The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded. I think there’s a good chance it happens. Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice. I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions. What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels? What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell? What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers? What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you? Do you see what I’m saying here? Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors. Lots of things can happen.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jose Contreras
Brandon Belt was recalled yesterday in the wake of Buster Posey’s broken fibula — no lie! So far this year, Belt was hitting a cool (shouldn’t it be hot?) .351 with 4 homers and 3 steals in thirty games…If you ignore what he did in the major leagues. Why did he fail in his first go around? Was it bad luck? P to the erhaps. Was it just a small sample size? That’s what she said! Was it the pressure of the call up? Well, filling in for Buster Posey shouldn’t be any pressure. I think it was a combination of all of these things. Bad luck triggers the hitter to press while hanging over them is the fear of a demotion. It’s damaging to the psyche, I tell ya. Don’t worry, I won’t bill you by the hour for this. (I’m really just reading off my Freud day-to-day desk calendar anyway.) In all leagues, grab Belt like Mr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer. Hmph. The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week. Hmph. Hmph. Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee. Hmph. Hmph. Hmph. Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs? All those hmphs up in your trunk? Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore. Got all that? Glad one of us does. I’d own Broxton and Kuo. Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal. I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…
Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm. Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers? Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life? Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me. Thank you.” This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are. He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd. The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.” Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did. In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job. I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go. I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned. It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.” First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix. I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun. Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use. The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer. He’s now hitting .500 on the year. If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year. Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.
Please, blog, may I have some more?After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns. Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.” *crickets* Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.” Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day. In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time. Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury. They’re the same. Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.” Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.” If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s. Or it’s dur on you. You want dur on you? No, you want no dur. Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth. I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that. Dur. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns. Don’t matter to me. You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger. Who’s going to close for the Jays?! Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream. Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day. Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old. I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh? It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz. He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him. Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful. Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy. Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep? Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes. Though I would love a decision on this. Kevin Gregg sucks. Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing. And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts. In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Neftali Feliz is now a starter. Or is he? Emphasis on the ‘or.’ Or is it on the ‘is?’ You’ll never know! Muahahahahaha… Yeah, I don’t think Feliz is going to be a starter. They got to the World Series the way things were, you change that? Ogando or O’Day or Oliver or… What’s with the O names? Here’s a sneak peek of a post title for the first game one of these schmohawks blows a game, “Rangers Say O’Shit.” Any the hoo! Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs. I think Washington gets what he wants, but I suppose anything’s possible. For that reason, I’m dropping Feliz down the closer ranks. The other big loser since the last closer look is Drew Storen. I think he should be the closer, but the Nats are hesitating about calling him the closer. If he secures the job, he’ll move back up the charts. For now, he has some risk. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Aw, sookie. Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season. That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks. I didn’t go over Frank2 signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now. I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Kila Ka’aihue went 3-for-3, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Also, he just missed a third homer that ended up a triple. Mauna Kila! He hasn’t hit for much average so far in the major leagues. Or is it ma’ajor leagues? His plate discipline is in impeccable and the peasant Royals would be wise to give him a starting job next spring, which could make him a sleeper for 2011 fantasy baseball. But you put the wise moves the Royals make in one hand and the stupid moves in the other hand and you’ll need the empty hand that was supposed to hold the wise moves to help hold up the stupid moves hand. Then have someone else move everything off the counter so there’s room to balance the weight of both hands that have become stupid move hands. Then get some Lysol because it smells like rancid onions. Oh, and Kila has another homer in the last week and is worth playing in the final week if you’ve lost some other players. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Fields – Now 4 for his last 8 with 2 homers. It must be ‘games don’t matter’ time, because the Royals look terrific. Fields is worth a flier if you’re looking for a hot bat.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
