Fantasy Baseball Advice

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

Brandon Belt was recalled yesterday in the wake of Buster Posey’s broken fibula — no lie!  So far this year, Belt was hitting a cool (shouldn’t it be hot?) .351 with 4 homers and 3 steals in thirty games…If you ignore what he did in the major leagues.  Why did he fail in his first go around?  Was it bad luck?  P to the erhaps.  Was it just a small sample size?  That’s what she said!  Was it the pressure of the call up?  Well, filling in for Buster Posey shouldn’t be any pressure.  I think it was a combination of all of these things.  Bad luck triggers the hitter to press while hanging over them is the fear of a demotion.  It’s damaging to the psyche, I tell ya.  Don’t worry, I won’t bill you by the hour for this.  (I’m really just reading off my Freud day-to-day desk calendar anyway.)  In all leagues, grab Belt like Mr. Furley would.  His potential is too great to not take the flyer.  He can still get to double digit power and speed with a solid average.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Buster Posey – As I was writing this Whiskeytown’s Somebody Remembers The Rose came on my iTunes.  Ryan Adams may be a total douchebag, but he sure knows how to soundtrack my life.  Somebody remembers the Posey… What are the dangers of glove… When you hear this Posey news, you don’t have to be a 14-year-old girl to want to text someone sad emoticons and exaggerated punctuation.  Posey’s gone for a while.  In honor of Buster Posey, Ghirardelli chocolate will be releasing a candy bar in his name.  It is similar to a Kit Kat but already comes pre-broken.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here now.  What, you need things told to you twice?  What, you need things told to you twice?  Vogelsong isn’t nearly the pitcher he’s showing right now, but you may as well ride the coaster until the guy in front of you gets sick.

Nolan Reimold – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 2 runs, 2 home runs and he even attempted a steal.  Giddy up, snitches!  Could be the 2nd coming of Jesus (my gardener who played semi-professional ball but couldn’t hit a curve).  Or he might be a hot schmotato.  Either way, I’d grab him in all leagues where you’re struggling to find a decent 5th outfielder.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-6, hitting .257; 3 for his last 23.  Was what I was talking about when he was first called up and everyone was crazy for the rookie nookie and I told you to sell him.  Rooks and valleys, baby.  Rooks and valleys.

Justin Morneau – Was reported that he might need postseason surgery for a neck injury that is bothering him.  Fitting.  He’s been a pain in the neck for me all year.

Homer Bailey – I hope you’re sitting down.  Actually, stand up, then sit down again just to make sure you’re actually sitting down and not hovering in the crouching position.  Okay, ready?  Bailey’s hurt.  Shocking!  He’s going to have exams.  My advice to him is, when in doubt, answer C.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer in the last five games.  Feels oddly quiet on the Bruce front considering this is the breakout everyone has been waiting years for.  Maybe people are scared if they talk about it it (stutterer!) will go away.  He can put up 30+ homers and 15 steals with great counting stats, i.e., a number one outfielder.

Chase Utley – Hit his first home run of the year.  According to the box score, at Citizens Flank there were 45,650 people or 104.6% of capacity.  That means about 2,000 people fell asleep in their seats during the previous 19-inning game.

Jose Contreras – Returned with a perfect inning.  In related news, the Phils clubhouse man restocked the shelves with Efferdent.

Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 3 ER.  His first appearance since being named the A’s closer and his first Kazaam.  Nice.  Freakin’ schmohawk.

Philip Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Ugh.  I just wish all pitchers with terrible K-rates would pitch poorly.  Make my life much easier.  I can’t advise you pick up Humber outside of very deep leagues.

Russell Branyan – Angels signed him.  Of course, the Sciosciapath is going to platoon him with Trumbo. Branyan is such a prospblock.

Howie Kendrick – To the 15-day DL.  I say Halo, you say goodbye.

Carlos Pena – Hit a homer yesterday.  $5 says he hits three more by Monday.

R.A. Dickey – Mets are reporting an injury to Dickey.  Who let Lorena Bobbitt near the clubhouse?  Everyone but three readers just winced.

Frank Francisco – Blue Jays announced they would go to a three person closer committee with Frank², Rauch and Dotel.  Personally, I hate when people start sentences with personally and I think Dotel has the best stuff.

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered.  Second clue, I dropped Anibal Sanchez after his 2nd start of the year.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Our favorite German Jew was blitzkrieged by the Red Sox.  I took a lot of heat for telling people to start him yesterday.  Hindsight is obviously 20/20, but he had something like a 2.50 ERA and near a K per inning since last June.  That, guys and three girls, you start everywhere.  Sorry it didn’t work, I’ll wash your car for you.* (*Offer not valid anywhere in the Eastern, Western, Southern or Northern Hemispheres.)

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 3 RBIs.  I’m guessing the slumpbuster for Crawford was some townie MTV girl by the name of Charlene.

Drew Sutton – 5 for his last 10 and started in place of an ice cold Lowrie yesterday.  A few years ago, Sutton went 20/20 while in the Astros organization, then struggled for two years.  If he keeps hitting, I’d bench Lowrie too.

Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal.  Has some power and light speed.  In Triple-A, he’s failed to get above .266 in any season.  If he were to play every day, which I wouldn’t even say is a guarantee because of Mike Cameron, he could hit 15-20 homers and steal 10 bases with a .250 average.  He’s a solid pick up for AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you can take the flyer for some lightning in a bottle.  BTW, is it me or does Josh Reddick sound like the star of a porn version of Big where the Zoltar machine makes your wish come true if you stick your schlong in the coin slot?  “Hey, why’s the genie looking the other way?”

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.

Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers?  Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life?  Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me.  Thank you.”  This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are.  He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd.  The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.”  Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did.  In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job.  I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go.  I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned.  It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
2. Carlos Marmol (+2) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
3. Mariano Rivera (-2) (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Joakim Soria (-3) (Aaron Crow, Jeremy Jeffress)
7. Craig Kimbrel (+7) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
8. J.J. Putz (+7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
10. Chris Perez (+2) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
12. Brian Wilson (-5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
13. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
14. John Axford (-4) (Kameron Loe, Zach Braddock, Takashi Saito)
15. Leo Nunez (+5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
16. Joel Hanrahan (+6) (Evan Meek)
17. Drew Storen (+12) (Sean Burnett, Tyler Clippard)
18. Jordan Walden (+6) (Fernando Rodney, Hisanori Takahashi, Scott Downs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Brandon Lyon (+4) (Mark Melancon, Wilton Lopez)
20. Matt Capps (-3) (Joe Nathan)
21. Kyle Farnsworth (+8) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P.Howell)
22. Kevin Gregg (+3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
23. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
24. Brian Fuentes (+4) (Grant Balfour, Andrew Bailey)
25. Jon Rauch/Frank Francisco (+2) (Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
26. Mitchell Boggs (-10) (Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin, Miguel Batista)
27. Jonathan Broxton/Hong-Chih Kuo/Vicente Padilla (-19) (Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
28. Ryan Madson (-7) (Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Brad Lidge)
29. Sergio Santos (-19) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
30. Darren Oliver (-6) (Arthur Rhodes, Darren O’Day, Neftali Feliz, Anyone With Intimidating Facial Hair)

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.