We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2012 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2012 Astros Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Astros County.
1) How many at-bats do you see Jason Bourgeois getting? How many steals?
That’s an excellent question. The outfield situation for the Astros is very fluid – any three of seven guys could earn a starting job out of Spring Training: Jordan Schafer, J.D. Martinez, Brian Bogusevic, Jason Bourgeois, Fernando Martinez, J.B. Shuck. And that doesn’t include the possibility of Brett Wallace raking in March and pushing Carlos Lee back to left field. Bourgeois got 43 PAs in September, when it was pretty clear the Astros were trying out Schafer and J.D. Martinez – so I’d say that he gets 200-300 PAs over the season, unless something drastic happens in Spring Training. Since he could be used as a pinch-runner, I’d pencil him in for 20-30 steals, as well.
2) Offensively, it’s hard to get excited about the Astros. Maybe Schafer finally comes around. Maybe Carlos Lee gets mono from Livan Hernandez and misses 162 games. Yet, without trying too hard, I’m actually excited about Jose Altuve. Think he has an outside chance at a 10/20 season. Am I delusional or is that realistic?
I’m excited about Jose Altuve, as well – it’ll be interesting to see what adjustments he can make after getting a half-season with the major-league club, but I don’t think a 10/20 season is unrealistic at all. In 53 games, he had seven homers, and he hit .327/.386/.481 in the minors, so he has – at least over the last two seasons – a track record of extra-base hits.
3) J.D. Martinez sounds like he should be on a cop drama, but at least he’s not J.B. Shuck, who sounds like he invented some piece of farm equipment. Is there something I’m missing on Martinez? Can he be productive? Hit over 20 homers and .300?
All J.D. Martinez does is hit. I personally have a man-crush on Martinez, so I’m biased, but this was a 20th-Round pick who won two minor-league batting titles, and had a .959 OPS in Double-A before getting called up to Houston. The knock on Martinez is his knees – he’s had some sort of arthritic condition in his knee (which may be perfect for a team who needs a DH in 2013), and is presumably why he dropped to the 20th Round. With Martinez, at every level to which he has advanced, he has needed a little bit of an adjustment period before he goes back to knocking the cover off the ball. And when he’s not raking, he catches drug mules and delivers snappy one-liners with his sunglasses in hand.
4) 1.32 WHIP and 190 Ks. That’s what I have down for Bud Norris for 2012. Any chance he beats those numbers?
That sounds about right. I’d be less surprised if he broke your 190K benchmark, because he’s spent all offseason talking about throwing 200+ IPs. If he can just replicate his 2011 K/9 rate, but hit the 200IP mark, he’ll have his 190 strikeouts. He brought his walk rate down quite a bit (from 4.5 to 3.4 BB/9) from 2010 to 2011, and if he can do even a little bit better, his WHIP should stay about the same. Norris also had a very consistent .299 BABIP, so the 1.32 WHIP looks solid.
5) What is the best way that Astros management show fans that they won’t become Drayton McLane / Ed Wade part II? A) Forbid everyone in the Astros organization from wearing hairpieces. B) Pay laid-off NASA engineers to launch Carlos Lee into orbit – triggering little-known “We don’t have to pay you if you’re outside the Earth’s stratosphere” clause. C) Require Astro catchers to hit. D) Free Nolan Ryan brand steaks for everyone when Astro pitchers are pounded like meat by the other team
I’m very interested in the Astros actively taking steps to ensure that Carlos Lee cannot physically make it to the stadium, so I’m going with B.
Between the two middle infield positions, I tend to draft a 2nd baseman early and punt shortstop. This happens for a few reasons. 1) 2nd base has more talent. That’s right, I draft the deeper position earlier. Same reason I punt catchers and try to get a 1st baseman early. If a position is deep, a lot of your leaguemates are going to have one of the top guys. You don’t want to be one of the 3 or 4 teams without a top guy. 2) There’s less difference between a middle-tiered shortstop and a bottom-tiered one. (Same could be said of catchers. We have a theme! Or is it a genre? No, it’s a theme!) 3) Shortstops tend to give value with the steal. You can find cheap steals later. Most of the 2nd basemen on this list are going after the top 150 in your 2012 fantasy drafts. This is a supplement to the top 20 2nd basemen of 2012 fantasy baseball. These are 2nd basemen that I’ll be setting the ol’ crosshairs on at my 2012 fantasy drafts after the top options are gone. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2012 projections. Anyway, here’s some 2nd basemen to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Jason Kipnis – I’ll round some numbers off for you like they were matzoh balls. 15 homers and 15 steals. That’s his ceiling. If Kipnis reaches them then mazel tov! Is he worth a flyer, fo’ diggity. Just keep in mind Kipnis doesn’t have huge power or speed or schmaltz.
Danny Espinosa – Yeah, I don’t know why he’s a sleeper. Oh, I know why! Cause he’s being drafted around 150 overall. A guy that is going to be 25 years old who just went 21/17 is that bad? I realize that he hit .236, but you need to not worry about that. This is a guy that went 18/29 in High-A, 18/20 in Double-A and 21/17 in the majors. Yeah, he’s worth more than a 150th pick at 2nd base. Get your shizz together!
Jose Altuve – I worry that every Astros is gonna be a beyotchabatukis, but I think Altuve has some giddy in his step. Really, the sleepers that I worry most about are the ones that won’t reach 20 for steals or homers. Guys that can steal 20+ bags or hit 20+ homers can at least be counted on for those stats and the rest is cheese and gravy. Disco fries!
Jemile Weeks – I compared him favorably in the top 20 2nd basemen post to Luis Castillo. I stand by that. Assuming you can stand by something amorphous like a comparison.
Aaron Hill – Wow, he’s crazy low in drafts. Like, low low. Like in the 300′s overall low. Like your knees are double-jointed and you’re limboing low. Like you’re secretly sleeping with your friend’s sister and telling your friend about her as if she’s someone else and your friend is unknowingly giving you ideas of what to do with his own sister in bed low. Like– Okay, you get the picture.
Gordon Beckham – Yeah, I’m super thrilled he’s being drafted so low that I might end up with him on a team. Maybe I can do the draft where I pick Beckham while I’m at the dentist to make it a really pleasurable experience.
Kelly Johnson – I have no idea what’s going on with the drafting of 2nd basemen. Hill and Johnson should not be in the 300′s. Johnson went 21/16 just LAST YEAR (caps for emphasis, not for aesthetics.) I realize he hit .222, but he’s a career .260 hitter and he just hit .284 in 2010. He’s really worse than Kipnis? Rhetorical!
Johnny Giavotella – Right now, he’s the Royal plugged into the two hole, which sounds like the tagline for a movie about Richard the Lionheart that’s portrayed by Richard Simmons. In 46 games last year, Giamortadella had 5 steals in 46 games but was caught twice. As we know from last year, the Royals stealing percentage is about as successful as Madoff’s and they continue to be all klepto-like. If Giamortadella wants, he could steal 30 bases and get caught 20 times and the Royals will shrug. Also, in Triple-A, Giavotella hit 9 homers so he’s got some small pop in his little Guido body. I’ll give him the 2012 projections of 85/8/45/.285/22. Not bad, paisan.
We continue our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball. There’s no 2nd baseman in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball. At least by my calculation. Some ‘perts are putting Cano in the top 10, but I see him just outside of the top 10, but then again 2nd base is packed to the rafters with production. It looks deeper than the 1st basemen pool and I’m only being half-facetious. It’s like all 2nd basemen slept at a Holiday Inn last night. There’s 15 guys I would take and if I had a middle infield spot on my roster, I’d definitely look to put a 2nd baseman in there. As with the previous ranking lists, tiers and my projections are noted. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:
4. Dan Uggla – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Utley (or Cuddyer, if he has eligibility). I call this tier, “I see good value. Draft one.” This tier name sounds like I’m a handicapper for horse races. Gambler’s Ruin is great on mud, put all your money on him! Member when Dan Uggla was hitting, like, .180 and it was July and you were like, “Screw this, homie! I’m going gangster on my team and trading Uggla for an Obama Chia.” Then your neighbor saw that getting dropped off at your doorstep, stole it and Uggla went on to hit in like 40 games straight. Nothing ever works out for you, huh? Now I’m Worried you left on the oven after drying your pantyhose. (That Twitter feed is a friend’s. You follow now, thank you.) Uggla wasn’t quite the hitter we saw during his hitting streak (no kidding!) but he isn’t a sub-.200 hitter either. Or is it eyether? Let’s call this whole thing off! Wait, he is a 35 homer hitter. I’ll take that and a box of Ding Dongs! And, no, box of Ding Dongs isn’t a new Timberlake/Samberg song. (Yes, that’s two days and two ding dong jokes. My cup runneth over with ding dong jokes. I am the ding dongiest!) 2012 Projections: 90/35/105/.250/3
5. Howie Kendrick – Sometimes when you go out on a limb, the limb breaks and you fall on your ass. That might happen with Kendrick in 2012, but I’m going all in. From 2010 to 2011 in 18 less games, he went from 10 homers to 18 homers and struck out more. His HR/FB rate was high and he’s injury-prone. It points to flukey. I see a guy with 15 homer power, 15 steal speed, 100 runs and 75 RBIs potential that should hit around .290. It’s okay, but what puts me over on him is he’s in the prime of his career so he should max out his power and look like Pedroia at a cheaper cost. Oh, and one thing that’s been criminally under-reported, the Angels added Pujols. You think someone would’ve talked about that. 2012 Projections: 100/18/70/.290/15
6. Brandon Phillips – Joey Votto’s gonna win the MVP and Brandon Phillips is going to be hoisted onto Jay Bruce’s shoulders next October with the team dedicating their World Series victory to their former pitching coach, Dick Pole. Just so they can see people on Twitter snicker at his mention. That’s how I see things playing out. Phillips won’t be their regular season hero; he’ll be a piece. The wily vet that plays 150 games a year and gets all those counting stats and has some power and speed that people credit more for their clubhouse leadership. Whatever, B.P. is still greasing up some decent stats for his position. 2012 Projections: 90/20/85/.275/17
7. Chase Utley – Nah, he’s not winning the MVP again. Well, I guess anything’s possible if he’s wearing one of Ryan Braun’s Ed Hardy t-shirts, but it seems like the best is behind him like J. Lo. Then throw in you have no idea how long Ryan Howard is going to be out, then throw in Utley’s inability to stay healthy, then throw in his pomade, then throw in a leprechaun’s toenail and the steam that rises from the brew you threw all that in reads, “Utley should be avoided.” Now what if I said I didn’t agree? He’s never had a season of 120+ games where he’s been useless. Granted, getting to 120 games has been an issue, but we knew going into last year he wasn’t going to be right. When he did come back, his speed was fine. Like he was never hurt. His power was off, but so was his homers per fly ball. His average was off, but so was his luck. He’s going to get you 2nd to 3rd round numbers at a much cheaper price than he usually is. BTW, if he’s bad this year, his career’s in trouble. I think he knows that too. 2012 Projections: 80/20/85/.280/15
7 1/4. Michael Young – Only has 14 games at 2nd so he may not have eligibility in all leagues. To see Young’s projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.
8. Ben Zobrist – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Weeks. I call this tier, “Others are taking these guys before me.” I really don’t like Zobrist. His stats are just too flaky for my tastes. One year he hits .297 then .238 then .269. Then he hits 27 homers then 10 then 20. “Hey, fella, how about you just hit 17 homers and stop confusing Grey?!” That’s you in the first row behind the Rays’ dugout because you’re protecting my honor. Thx, btw! (Don’t you love when someone abbreviates thanks as thx? Gee, thanks so much for showing me your appreciation by almost writing a WHOLE SIX LETTER WORD!) I’m ranking Zobrist later than most ‘perts because I don’t want him, but if he fell to me I would take him because he seems like he’s capable of a 15/15 season. Plus or minus 15 homers and steals. Yeah, he’s all over the map. 2012 Projections: 75/17/90/.255/17
9. Rickie Weeks – Stop me if you’ve heard this before– Stop! I haven’t said anything yet, Random Italicized Voice. I’ve heard, “Stop me if you’ve heard this before” before. Here’s the games played for Weeks over his career — 96, 95, 118, 129, 37, 160, 118. Throw out 37 and 160 and on average he plays in 118 games. Or maybe that’s the median. Or the mean. I don’t know. What I do know is he can’t stay healthy. He can repeat his power output from last year and chuck in about 10 steals if he’s healthy, but that “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom. 2012 Projections: 65/18/50/.260/10
10. Danny Espinosa – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Kelly Johnson. I call this tier, “Shine’s off these guys, but I like them. Even if they might hit .240 collectively.” At 24 years old, Espinosa hit 21 homers and stole 17 bases. That’s the good news. The very good news is he can hit more homers and steal more bases. The so-so news is it might not be much more of either. The bad news is he hit .236. The not good or not bad news is his luck was neutral. The “Is this really even news anymore?” news is Espinosa won’t ever hit for much of an average without luck. The last bit of news is I’m not wearing pants. 2012 Projections: 80/24/90/.240/19
11. Aaron Hill – Here’s what I said towards the end of last year, “Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power. Not this year. His power completely evaporated. Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate. In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense. Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it. Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20. It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.” And that’s me quoting me! Now, looking at Hill, I’m still no cyclops with a monocle. What we do know is he hit .315 in Arizona in the 33 games after he was traded. It’s something! I don’t get where those 21 steals came from last year, but if it was some kind of deal with the devil, he forgot to specify to leave his power alone and the devil duped him. You duping devil! 2012 Projections: 70/18/80/.265/15
12. Kelly Johnson – After a trade that sent Hill to the D-Backs and Johnson to the Jays, these two will be forever linked. Or just for right now in the rankings. Either way, let’s pretend we’re in the first semester of our junior year of high school and we’re taking the SATs. The final question will send you to either Brown or nowhere because you refuse to have a safety school. Question: In 2008, Kelly Johnson hit .287. In 2009, he hit .224. In 2010, he hit .284. In 2011, he hit .222. What will he hit in 2012? You know the answer; Brown’s within reach! You say he’ll hit around .280 and… You’re wrong. You then go on a 15-month bender that finds you waiting tables on an over-60 cruise ship and making out with grandmothers. His good/bad alternating averages don’t mean anything, except it does tell us it’s not out of the realm of possibility for Johnson to hit something respectable. 2012 Projections: 80/20/70/.265/14
13. Jason Kipnis – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Ackley. I call this tier, “Sleepers or guys that are overdrafted depending on how smart your leaguemates think they are.” What I mean by the tier name is in leagues with people who prep the day before and just fly by the seat of their pants, this tier probably won’t be that known unless you’re in Cleveland, Seattle or Oakland. In leagues where owners started prepping last November, there’s giant flashing lights on this tier’s players to the point where people will probably reach for them way too early. As for Jason Kipnis, I already went over my Kipnis 2012 fantasy. I wrote it enclosed with a giant heart on a bathroom stall. 2012 Projections: 80/14/60/.255/12
14. Jemile Weeks – Member when 2nd base was a speed position? Was before Bret Boone started frosting his hair. All of these 2nd basemen that are on the scene today probably idolized Boone and his frosted tips. They probably even went as far to emulate him and frosted their hair too. When Jemile frosted his hair, his classmates probably called him Sisqo, which is downright embarrassing, so he decided to rebel against the power 2nd baseman and work on his speed. Or not. Simply a theory. Weeks reminds me a bit of Luis Castillo. That takes some air out of your Jemile Weeks balloon, huh? Hey, Castillo had some good years. 2012 Projections: 90/3/50/.265/30
15. Dustin Ackley – I’m having a real hard time understanding the hype on Ackley. To the point where I’m not drafting him unless he falls pretty far. He’s never hit more than 9 homers at any level of professional ball or stole more than 8 bases. Granted, these were abbreviated seasons, but he’s also going to be playing his home games in a terrible hitting park. I’m gonna let someone else take the chance that he shows his ceiling of 15 homers and 15 steals while expecting he shows something closer to… 2012 Projections: 80/12/55/.265/12
16. Ryan Roberts – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Beckham. I call this tier, “Post-hype and no hype guys. I guess I’ll draft them, but they’d have to be super cheap.” Ryan Roberts reads to me like a Ryan Ludwick/Casey McGehee-type. Never considered much of anything, then they explode on the scene at a late age, then they return to Back To Wherever You Came From-ville (which has higher real estate prices than I’m So Outta Here-ville cause of the influx of has-beens). There should be a glossary term for these type of no hype players that only have one good year. Suggest in the comments. 2012 Projections: 55/13/65/.245/15
17. Neil Walker – This guy isn’t far off from Ryan Roberts. They’re pretty much flip-floppable (Made Up Word of the Day!). But since Roberts just came off a better season, I put them in this order. Could see Walker outperforming him in 2012, but not by much since Walker doesn’t have huge power or speed. Not that Roberts does either… Whatever, I don’t like either, stop arguing with me! 2012 Projections: 70/12/80/.270/7
18. Gordon Beckham – Something that hasn’t been reported (or at least by me) is: Could Ozzie leaving town have a positive impact on some White Sox players? You know, the guys that he used to ball-bust. I wouldn’t be shocked if Beckham comes around as a post-hype sleeper just to prove Ozzie wrong. Am I betting a whole lot that that (stutterer!) is gonna happen? Oh, hells no! Beckham just came off a season where 21% of all of his fly balls were infield pop-ups. That’s terrible. In my opinion (and, really, if you don’t want my opinion, you’re probably reading the wrong site), a hitter can’t make worst contact than an infield pop. By drafting Beckham, you’re basically saying that his last two years were a fluke and he’s going to fix everything. Put the chances of that happening in one hand and the chances of it not happening in the other hand and you have two empty hands. Can’t really weigh chances. Maybe you shouldn’t have quit college to become a scale. 2012 Projections: 55/14/70/.260/5
19. Ryan Raburn – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Roberts. I call this tier, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on you again. I’m good at displacing blame.” Bill James still believes. He has Raburn’s 2012 projections down for 18/4. Last year was the chance for Raburn to become relevant. He’s going to be 31 years old for the majority of the 2012 season. I got better things to do than draft a 31-year-old player who has never shown much of anything. Not to mention, there’s been talk of him blahtooning with Ramon Santiago. That’s nice, have fun! 2012 Projections: 40/12/50/.275/3
20. Brian Roberts – I’m sure Brian Roberts never thought he’d be passed on the rankings by a name that people used to mistakenly call him. Here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s me putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay. Here’s someone Buying It Now for one cent and playing it just for Brian Roberts. 2012 Projections: 65/5/35/.260/12
After the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these stand out, for better or worse:
Daniel Murphy – I left him off the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and that top 20 went to, like, 30. Honestly, seriously, Cliff Lee, I can’t imagine drafting Murphy anywhere. If he hits in the beginning of the year, you can pick him off waivers in most leagues as a hot schmotato. 2012 Projections: 75/12/60/.275/5
Sean Rodriguez – I almost feel the same way about Sean-Rod as I do with Raburn. Go reread Raburn’s blurb in the passive voice. The one positive on Sean-Rod that Raburn lacks is age. Sean-Rod will only be 27 this April. If there’s no one left on the board, I’d take the flyer and hope Sean-Rod does something. His K-rate tells me he probably won’t. 2012 Projections: 55/14/65/.230/10
Jose Altuve – I haven’t written a Jose Altuve sleeper post yet, but my Magic Eight Ball says, “There’s a chance you write a sleeper post on Jose Altuve.” When I bought this Magic Eight Ball in 1989, I never understood why it kept saying that. In the minors, Altuve showed he could get to double digit power and low 20′s steal-speed. I’ve seen worse. You feel me?! If you do, could you stop? I hate looking at Astros hitters for anything other than which pitchers to stream against them, but Altuve looks like he could have some sneaky value. Now to figure out why my Magic Eight Ball keeps telling me to write a sleeper post for Ken Griffey Jr. Jr. Jr. 2012 Projections: 80/12/40/.265/24 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)
The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass. Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now. This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing. It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices. “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?” Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach. Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538. Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction. Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists. Start a viable service and Google will take you over. I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing. With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel. That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir. (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.) Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August. Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.
Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante. We’ll call him Omar Little.
Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil. He’s been relatively hot recently. If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.
Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week. Maybe you should pick him up. That’s my Hughes clues.
Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?! Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers). C’mon, that was easy. His name is in front of this blurb. If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car. I have no idea if that makes sense. I don’t know Nascar. I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name. It’s not Nasbicycle.
Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games. Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.
Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305. So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week. I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.
Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall. He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow. And that’s my rainbow Trout.
Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week. He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN. Also, could you scratch your back? I’m itchy. Thanks!” Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.
Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP. Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!” But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.
Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy. I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.
Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy. He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–
David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant. I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.
Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league. I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.
Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10. He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year. As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.
Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too. I get it. But he’s been good for two months now. Stop being a pill and pick him up.
Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks. So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.
Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section? Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!
Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes. Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!” Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.
Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns. It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.
Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy. I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.
SELL
Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck. Almost sorta blasphemy! Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months. What’s that? 3.6 homers per month? It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman. And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?
Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist. Ride or Cuddyer? I’d ride.
David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year. So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.
Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL. If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.
Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run. Get his address and you can send him a postcard. But get him off your team.
Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.
Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia! Mamma mia, let him go!
Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday. He’s tizzerrible. I won’t defend him. Your honor, no questions at this time. I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up. They’re defeated. Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you. His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying. Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins. Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid. Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was. Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork. The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month. I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired. Well, then go take a nap. Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year. If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs. Order is a coin flip. Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”
Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms. It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale. If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.
Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts. I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season. How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench? Fun aside: his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.
Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year. It’s his special purpose.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags. That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues. Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs. I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.
Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again. Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that. Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer. Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.
Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318. His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint. As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.
Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs. His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.
Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up. It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl. Trout has homers now in his last two games. The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench. With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.
Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy? Or stick a needle in his ass? This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out. Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER. I would stay away. Ixnay on the Enryhay.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs. He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.
Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning. Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week. He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer. I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.
Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers. Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard. Cust kayin’.
Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Wait, what? Oh, God, no! Wait, no, c’mon. Really? *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?! He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.
Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him. “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!” That’s except when he’s not pitching well. Where did all the smarter than thou’s go? Probably onto fantasy football.
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer. His bag is, uh, stealing bags. He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week. Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg. What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs? Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long? Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?
Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save. Yup.
Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week. Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?
Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away. BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?” “Why do you ask?” “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”
Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A. That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.
