Fantasy Baseball Advice

So far in this month of September, Troy Tulowitzki has 11 homers and 27 RBIs.  This is Hungrybear9562 owning Tulo in a H2H league this month — It’s a DOUBLE HOME RUN!  All the way across the sky!  OH.  MY.  GOD.  A double home run.  Wait, is this a triple home run?  No, it’s a double home run.  It’s beautiful.  *cries*  The only thing ever holding Tulo back is health.  If Tulo can stay healthy for an entire year… Well, look at his 2009 stats — 32 homers, 20 steals and a .297 average.  Next year, he’ll only be 26-years-old and hitters tend not to peak until the age of 27.  Yum with a double shot of gimme.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, still got love for him and am still willing to go to PTA meetings for Eric Young Jr. Jr., but it’s worth noting that he now has three errors in the last two games.  Barmes may see more time in the 2nd half of games as a defensive replacement.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and his line looked even better before he left two men on for Beimel to let score.  He gets the Diamondbacks next and I’d start him there sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now hit ten more homers before the end of the season and we’ll be cool.

Chris Young – Will start on Saturday vs. the Cards in The Lou.  Would like this start better if it was in Petco.  Young had a 7.82 ERA in Away games last year and 5.27 in 2008.  Both years his home ERA was below 3.  Unless you’re desperate, I’d let him pitch from my bench.  Remember though, if he’s on your bench, don’t sit anyone short behind him.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m not a huge fan of Big Z, but he hasn’t thrown a bad start since he returned to the rotation on August 9th.  Really should be owned in every league.

J.A. Happ – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He obviously wasn’t a sub-3 ERA pitcher.  His luck was bound to run out in the landmark case of Sooner vs. Later.

Brandon Lyon – Well, the closer role in Houston got murkier yesterday.  Lyon gave up a run and blew the save then Lindstrom came into the 10th and gave up two runs.  Houston, we have a shituation.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5 with his 27th homer.  Weeks has more RBI than Fielder and more homers than Braun.  If I’d known that going into the year, I’d have put my life savings on the Brewers not making the playoffs.

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was in last week’s borderline starters and next week’s is coming this afternoon.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I would’ve loved to watch him, but my Direct TV cut out during the pregame (which is not pronounced like edamame).  So going on the box score, looks like Drabek wasn’t fooling anyone.  He’s young, doesn’t change how I feel about him for keepers or next year.  To gaze at my Kyle Drabek fantasy, go there.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Even a broken clock is right a few times a season.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 7 Ks.  More incredibly, he actually got run support.  A’la Vicki Lawrence as Mama, “Well, I’ll be!”

Russell Branyan – 1-for-3 with his 25th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Homer Bailey – Left the game with dizziness after allowing 3 earned runs and 5 walks.  Hey, maybe Oliver Perez is dizzy.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  You may want to put away sharp objects when you read this next line.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, Stubbs has been as valuable as Matt Kemp.

Jason Bay – Said he’s feeling great and free of any post-concussion symptoms, but he’s still not coming back this year.  Canadians — Bay and Morneau — had a bad year for concussions.  What’s it called when a Canadian misses extended time from work?  A maple leaf of absence.  *sad trombone*

Jenrry Mejia – Left yesterday’s game with a strain in his shoulder.  Likely shutdown for the year.  No word if the injury happened when he was trying to roll the R’s in his first name.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 2nd straight game with a homer.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, now.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Really was just a victim of an ill-timed grand slam to Maxwell, who is one sexy piece of chocolate… Wait, wrong Maxwell.  I’m still going to like Minor next year.  I know, up the down staircase, Sandy Dennis, but that’s how rookies do.

Phil Hughes – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve been saying this for about a month now.  You can do better than Hughes off waivers.  Duensing, for instance.  He’s been better.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees.  I was about to write how no one got sonavabenched because no one owns him but then I looked and saw he’s owned in 93% of leagues.  Are you people crazy?  He has a 1.41 WHIP and 4.86 ERA after this solid start.  Even after this start, I’d drop him.

Dan Johnson – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  The Pride of Coon Rapids!  (BTW, there was discussion in Minnesota about changing the name of this city.  Some felt it was derogatory.  I think it’s too vague.  Change it to Coon Rabids.)

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5 as he continued his hot hitting.  Own players when they are hot.  That’s my mottofacio.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Not doing a whole lot, but now has two homers in the week, i.e., two more than Prince Fielder.

Brad Lidge – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Kazaam, as he generated a save for Jose Contreras.  Manuel changes his underwear more than he changes closers and that’s not a whole lot.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Hitting well over his last ten games and worth riding while hot.

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, he tweeted, “I pitched.  #sucky”

Chris Sale – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  Of course down 6 runs Ozzie pitches the guy who he just said was his closer.  Of course he does!  Why wouldn’t he?  I will now don a potato sack and walk into traffic.

Jaime Garcia – Early yesterday, the Cards announced that Garcia would be shutdown for the year.  Later in the day, the Cards announced he would be skipped one turn and be reevaluated.  Much later in the day, I wrote this.  Today, you’re reading it.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Yay!

Ryan Franklin – Heading home to deal with some personal issues.  I know what it meant when a girl in high school would go home with ‘personal issues,’ so I’m guessing Franklin has cramps and/or is pregnant.

Let’s go over the Danny Espinosa positives first, shall we?  A) In Triple-A, he had  18 homers and 20 steals.  B) At MI, you need another positive after A? C) B was already forced and you want a C? D) Hmm… You need another positive, huh?  Umm… How about D. Espinosa anagrams to Adios ESPN?  Okay, the negative is the 94 Ks in 99 games at Triple-A.  That sounds like a recipe for a .230 average over the course of the season.  I’d preach some caution if this were April, but he’s currently hitting in the major leagues and is worth a flier to see if he can stay hot.  In keepers, I’d grab him for a buck because he’ll have solid position eligibility next year and has good pop and speed.  And, as most of you know who have read this site longer than a second, I don’t mind average killers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Juan Gutierrez – It’s not playing with fire to get saves from Gutierrez.  Like playing with dynamite.

Koji Uehara – If you need saves, here ya go.  Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Koji gives you indigestion, even if Chef Roy Choi disagrees.

Matt Thornton – Could’ve listed Putz or Sale here, but I think Thornton’s the first guy to get saves in Jenks’ stead, assuming MT can stay healthy and BJ can stay, um, unhealthy.

Clay Hensley – The Marlins are saying Nunez will reclaim the closer job, but he ain’t got it now, does he?  Rhetorical!

Ryan Madson – SAGNOF!

Ryan Perry – Just went over my Ryan Perry fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – You really need to put aside your past prejudices about Rockie pitchers.  This is no longer the days of Mike Hampton, who hit better than he pitched.

Jorge de la Rosa – Hasn’t thrown a turd since his second start back from the DL.  And that’s the truth, Ruth!

Cory Luebke – I wouldn’t risk him in an away game unless you really need to gamble, but I’d start him in home games.  You know how I do.

Brian Duensing – Just went over my Duensing fantasy.  It involved silk ribbons and hot wax.  Wait, no it didn’t.  Wait II, did it?

Ivan Nova – Surprising that he’s not owned everywhere since he’s a Yankee.  Guess people realize he could roofie you at any time and render your naughty bits unusable.

Logan Morrison – I’m like a little kid in a candy store with this guy.  That’s right, I have cavities thanks to Morrison.  And his OBP makes me ride around on my mop pony screaming yee-haw!

Ike Davis – Member when he was this crazy hot commodity to own back in April?  Yeah, I don’t either, but it’s nice to remember things differently in retrospect.  Anyhoo!  Davis is hitting well over the last week or so.

David Murphy – I’m admittedly a fan of this schmohawk, but you do need to platoon him in and out depending on whether or not he’s facing a lefty.

Michael Brantley – Had five steals and a .291 average in August.  More of the same so far in September.

Eric Young Jr. – I really don’t want to have to keep telling you to grab the same guys, but his ownership numbers at ESPN have actually gone down in the last week.  He has 15 steals in 35 games.  That’s 140 steals in 162 games, give or take 60-something.

SELL

Justin Morneau – Sounding a lot like he’s not returning until the last week of the season and even then he won’t be 100%, he’ll be gearing up for the playoffs.  I know, sucks.  I don’t know why they can’t send him out there with The Great Gazoo’s helmet either.

Gordon Beckham – He’s nursing from the injury bug teet and he wasn’t really doing much even when he was healthy.  In honor of our fantasy football site, punt!

Andres Torres – That thud you just heard was Torres falling back to earth.

Josh Johnson – I’m 99% sure he’s not pitching again this year.  I’m 100% sure that he’s only going to get another two starts even if he does.  You can find someone to replace him in the last few weeks.

Derek Jeter – Okay, so you drafted Jeter just so you could tell your girlfriend that you drafted him so she would then have sex with you.  You didn’t expect it to blow up in your face so bad though.  The drafting of Jeter, not the other half of the equation.  Captain Jeets or Pasta Diving Jeter or whatever you want to call him is hitting .237 vs. righties.  That’s the new blech.

Last week, my borderline fantasy starter post was nominated for a Clio.  Lost to Draper, but what else is new?  Drunks get all the breaks.  Just being nominated was a thrill.  My line for last week was:  2.17 ERA in 108 IP (that’s only 26 earned runs, you’re welcome).  The WHIP was 1.19 with 7 Wins and 71 Ks.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 3rd

Fausto Carmona – I’m not a fan of Carmona, but he gets the French in Safeco, talk about an easy victory.  French may just start pitching for the Indians halfway through the game.

Ivan Nova – Gets his toughest matchup yet vs. the Blue Kays.  I’d only go here if I absolutely needed the start.

Daniel Hudson – Might finally be over 50% owned by the time you read this.  You should’ve grabbed him a month ago when I was first telling you about him.

Saturday, September 4th

Jason Hammel – Actually has been much better at home and hasn’t been great in Petco, but, well, it’s still Petco.

Rick Porcello – It’s not stacking up to be the best week for streamers when I’m recommending guys I don’t particularly like.  Porcello has given up only 5 hits in his last 14 IP and he gets the peasant Royals.

Bud Norris – As we saw from his last start, he’s risky, but his Ks are terrific and he gets the Diamondhacks.

Sunday, September 5th

Wade LeBlanc - Has a 2.71 ERA at home.  Guess where he is on Sunday?  Yup.

Wade Davis – Sticking with the Wade theme, Davis has a 1.13 ERA vs. the Suckie-O’s this year.

Jorge de la Rosa – When I mentioned to one of Razzball’s co-writers that Rosa was only owned in 47% of ESPN leagues, I got this response.  Hater Bell, “Ownership numbers at ESPN is like saying what percentage of all morons remember to remove their pants when showering.  The sample size may be large but the people within that sample are questionable.”  dlR goes to Petco and hasn’t given up more than 3 earned since July 17th.

Armando Galarraga – Has dominated the Royals in his career.

Justin Masterson – He could kill your WHIP and potentially your ERA, so be very careful in H2H leagues running him out there on a Sunday.

Monday, September 6th

Ian Kennedy – Has held the Giants to a .192 BAA and 21 Ks in 20 2/3 IP.

Jordan Zimmermann – Goes against the Mets, who are next to last in offense post-All-Star Break.  Only beating the Mariners.

Tuesday, September 7th

Dallas Braden – Not a huge fan, but he gets the M’s, a team he has a 1.16 ERA vs. this year.  Actually, every pitcher might have that ERA against the M’s this year.

Wednesday, September 8th

R.A. Dickey – As long as he continues to be unowned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues, I’ll continue to recommend him.  He has a 2.56 ERA on the year.  Yes, that’s better than the guy you’re thinking of right now.

Ivan Nova – There’s definitely a theme with these streamers.  If the pitcher goes against the M’s, Suckie-O’s, the Mess, peasant Royals or in Petco, then it usually works for me.

Daniel Hudson – By the time I got to the end of the post, he was still under 50% owned, unless the power of Razzball pushes him over (or people just come to their senses).

Hello, new readers.  No, this isn’t High Times dot com, but don’t worry there’s Doritos at the end of this post.  Hey, don’t skip ahead.  You have to read the post first.  Yes, the computer is talking to you.  Aw, I’m just messing with you.  The computer’s not talking to you.  You’re just reading, silly!  So, Bud Norris didn’t come out of nowhere to be my new Razzpick du jour.  Yesterday, he went six innings, giving up one run and K’d 4.  In the not-too-decent past, I mentioned liking his upside.  For our friends in Latin America, the caveat is his wildness.  The love comes from the fact he has more Ks than innings.  There’s only ten other starters with more than 110 innings in the major leagues that can claim that.  That’s one starter for every finger.  Unless Antonio Alfonseca is reading this.  The wildness is still there, but he hasn’t walked more than 3 batters in a game since April.  I’d absolutely grab Norris for the last month if I needed Ks (who doesn’t?) and some upside (of course you do).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Johnson – 4-for-6, 1 RBI in a 16th inning game that saw Roy Oswalt play left field and Tim Kurkjian’s voice cracking at the sheer craziness of the game.  Can you believe this game, fellas?!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-7 with 5 Ks before he was ejected.  That’s the golden early shower sombrero.

Ian Kinsler – Received good news that he’s about week away from trying to re-injure himself again in the major leagues.  Here’s to that next injury, Kinsler!

Luke Scott – Three straight games now with a homer.  He has 25 homers on the year.  I.e., the same as Adrian Gonzalez and Prince Fielder.  Luck my fife.

Bobby Jenks – When Putz came out injured (zipper problem?), Jenks came in and sealed the deal with a perfect save.  With Thornton headed to the DL, Jenks is your closer.

Hong-Chih Kuo – And Broxton is not your closer.  Or at least he wasn’t last night.  Broxton was the closer on Saturday then his next time out he looked like how Torre treats Kemp.  I imagine Kuo will get another save or two until Broxton can get his shizz together.

Matt Kemp – Notched a slam & legs as the Dodgers somehow made due without Pods’ grit and wily veteranship.  Perhaps Ronnie Belliard’s determinedness and Manny’s insouciance made up for it.

Chad Billinsgley – Will have his next start pushed back to Saturday because of a tweaked calf.  Hopefully he doesn’t go ice skating on his time off.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You might feel like you need bulbs the size of onions to start some of these guys, but dlR hasn’t given up more than 3 runs in over a month.

Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-4 with his 9th steal.  He’s leading off every game and stealing.  You really shouldn’t need more.

Javier Vazquez – Moving to the bullpen for a little while while (stutterer!) Ivan Nova takes over his starting spot.  Vazquez should’ve been dropped months ago; now you have no excuse.  I went over Nova yesterday, you can get to it from here with a little ingenuity.  The gist:  Always drink your Novaltine!

Carlos Zambrano – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’ll cop to grabbing Big Z in one league.  Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em or file a restraining order…

Carlos Marmol – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Your Ks make me so happy, your wildness makes me so sad.  It’s bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet, Big Head Todd.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-3 with a homer as he hit in the eight hole.  Big change from when Lou was batting him leadoff.  The eight hole for NL hitters is death.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-4 with his 22nd homer.  He’s doing what you hoped Markakis would do and Josh Hamilton’s doing what you hoped Holliday would do.  Maybe finally next year people won’t expect the Holliday of Coors to still show up.

Evan Meek – Recorded the save with 1 IP, 1 ER and 4 baserunners, bringing his August ERA to 8.59.  His name is looking more and more like an aptronym.  Hanrahanananan hasn’t been much better, so the Pirates may just play matchups, using both relievers.  Yes, a shituation that already yielded next to no saves just got worse.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Steal-tuh-batta-batta-steal!

Kila Ka’aihue – The Good Eyein’ Hawai’ian hit his first homer of the year.  Can grab him in AL-Only leagues, but for now hold your junk in mixed leagues.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That’s nice, but he has a 5.26 ERA in August.  Porcello a mushroom cloud away from a blow up.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer.  I’ve already mentioned on a few occasions that I like Raburn.  Raburn’s the horse, and it’s been beat.

Jhonny Peralta – Now 5 for his last 7.  So far Silent H has been deadly for your fantasy teams, so I’d try and maintain my jhoy.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-4, getting comical how much he’s been getting on base (.476 over the last week) and still doesn’t have a steal.  You got the rhyming, now bring on the stealing!

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5 and hitting near-.400 in the last week.  Still only has 2 homers this month, but if the million other hitters I’d own before Matsui are taken, here ya go.

Mike Napoli – Sat out again as the Angels placed him on waivers.  It’s pretty normal for teams to place guys on waivers, but the irony is (if it is irony… no one has any idea what irony is), if the Angels were to see a team place a 20 homer 1st baseman on waivers and they didn’t know who he was, they would want him.  Seriously, Napoli, apologize for sleeping with Scioscia’s wife.  You were drunk, it’s all good.  Bros before, well, you know.

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Guess where he pitched.  Yup.

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a slam & legs.  Was his 6th steal in his last ten games.  Yes, he really is this fast.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-3 and 3 homers in his last five games and now has 15 home runs on the year.  Looks like someone didn’t like that I compared him to Lyle Overbay.  Well, Lyle Overbay has 16 homers.  Cust kayin’.

Travis Wood – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Damn, roofied.

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  He’s on an insane hot streak right now.  One four-hit and two three-hit nights in his last five, three-oh-nine.

Freddy Sanchez – 4-for-4, 4 Runs and a homer.  The game before, 4-for-5.  Since Freddy got fingered to platoon with Fontenot, he’s hitting near .450.

Pat Burrell – 0-for-3 as the Giants scored 16 runs.  Ticker tease!

Coco Crisp – 3-for-5, with a homer and a steal.  Last night was a huge night for slams & legses.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 31st steal.  Do you realize Angel Pagan is a top ten fantasy outfielder according to ESPN’s Player Rater?  Sure, steals are overvalued on that thing, but that’s still kinda crazy.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Starts like this happen because of the unpredictable nature of the knuckleball.  On a sidenote, this game saw Dickey going against Johnson.  Sounds less like a baseball game and more like a sword fight.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.