Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is a moderate Buy.  I wanted to find a player that would make you excited to buy, but I also wanted to cover Grady Sizemore.  I owed it to you, loyal Razzball reader.  So here we are.  Grady has NOT (Hey, it’s Caps Night!) been terribly unlucky.  I know BABIP makes you say WTF, but I need to go there super quick.  His BABIP shows a guy that isn’t that far off from his career mark.  His line drive rate is around its norm and his fly ball rate is down.  His K-rate is up and his walk rate is down.  So to break this down into your Leisure Suit Larry terms, I think he’s pressing (that’s what the walks and Ks are telling me), his average should go up (his line drives), which should help his steals (guessing).  There’s got to be some homers in his bat.  Guy just doesn’t lose his shizz at 27.  Actually, they’re supposed to gain it.  I wouldn’t pay more than sixty cents on the dollar, but I would buy Grady.  The Indians are despised, according to the Wall Street Journal (that’s real PC there, WSJ), but that doesn’t mean Grady needs to be.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell everyone I’m in Austin this weekend to attend Rudy’s wedding.  I won’t be near a computer for the weekend, so please help each other.  You can do it!  Now make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post…

BUY

Brandon Wood – I will now attempt to avoid any Wood puns.  As I opine… Dah!  If you’re hard up… Gah!  I give up, grab Wood.

Nick Swisher – Hitting over .400 in the last week.  Yes, he’s another Random Outfielder That Is On And Off Waivers All Year So Every Team Will Own At Some Point And You Only Want Them When Hot.  Or ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, if you find acronyms easier to remember.

Chris Coghlan – Now Coghlan hit it so hot you got tanned.

Alexei Ramirez – He’s been a whole lot of nothing, then he muddled that together with mint and gave you a HeSucksjito.  He’s a 15/15 player that never plays well in April.  There’s value in that for the right price.

Frank Francisco – If saves are what you covet, Frank-Frank should be able to satiate you.  The preceding was probably cribbed from a bad Cinemax After Dark movie.

Alfredo Simon – Saves ain’t got no face, but if they did have a face they probably wouldn’t look anything like Alfredo Simon.  Nevertheless!

LaTroy Hawkins – I want to say LaTroy Hawkins will take over for Hoffman, but he’s a Cuddle Boy and he hasn’t even been doing a very good job cuddling this year.  Todd Coffey’s not a bad name… To poop on.  If you look at Villanueva from one angle, he’s the man.  Another angle and it’s Hawkins.  Another angle and it’s Hoffman.  Then Coffey bursts through the door like Kramer, only to find Manny Parra emerging from the bathroom with his shirt off.  Really, it’s a bad shituation, but I’d grab Hawkins since Macha hinted at him.

Evan Meek – “Don’t ask” Dotel has lived up to his name.  Yet, he’s still the closer.  You can grab Meek, but whatever you do, don’t speculate on more than one Pirate closer.

Miguel Olivo – Because of a sitewide zoning ordinance only one catcher can be mentioned per week in the Buy/Sell.  Olivo should be owned in every league.  Yes, even in 8 team leagues where the 7 other teams were autodrafted and abandoned.

Rhyne Hughes – Good grab for AL-Only leagues, but you have to platoon him until the Orioles realize what the Rockies and fantasy baseball owners have known about Atkins for a while.

Jhoulys Chacin – He Ks people and induces groundballs.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?  Jhoulys. How do you spell that?  I don’t know. I’d watch Chacin in mixed leagues and own immediately in NL-Only ones.

Jaime Garcia – Carlos Silva is owned in 17% of ESPN leagues and Garcia is owned in 11%.  Um, well, uh… Okay.

C.J. Wilson – Here’s a quick lesson for the back of the room.  You know, the nappers.  When in doubt, you want a pitcher that can strikeout hitters because if a hitter puts the ball into play anything can happen.  If a hitter strikes out, nothing can happen.  Barring, of course, Gregg Zaun then throwing the ball back to the pitcher and the ball ending up in left field.  So C.J. Wilson has a K/9 of 7.36.  That’s solid, not great.  Could get better.  Dallas Braden has a K/9 of 5.70, which isn’t good and is artificially inflated by his first start of the year.  Okay, now comes the essay question.  Why is Braden owned in 61% of ESPN leagues and Wilson is owned in only 25%?  Extra credit:  Compare Braden, Wilson and ESPN readers to different Food Network stars.

SELL

Edwin Jackson – Sorry, I warned people in the preseason.  If you’re coming late to the party, well, where ya been?  Anyway, I don’t think we see last year this year from Edwin.  Say that fast three dozen times.

Rick Porcello – This is beating a dead horse, but since I still see him on some teams in our fantasy baseball forums, I’m putting it out there again.  Porcello –> blech.

Martin Prado – He has one homer and no steals.  That’s about the norm for him.  His value is coming from an unreal average.  Unreal as in not real like a fake.  Hey, Prado is a knockoff.

Jason Bay – I’m officially worried.  He’s been lucky as far his average goes and he’s hitting .269.  His new stadium could wreak havoc on Bay like it did on Wright last year.  If he can’t nudge balls right around the Pesci Pole, he might have a huge drop in value.  I’m not saying trade him away for a Gregg Jefferies rookie card, but I’d listen to offers.

Jorge Cantu – Leads the NL in RBIs.  Wait for it… It’s here somewhere… Oh, here it is… SELLL!!!!!!  Uh-oh, I released it and now I can’t control it… Watch out… Here it comes again… SELLL!!!!!!  I can’t stop it!  Hide your eyes; it’s coming again!  SELLL!!!!!!  Please someone help me– SELLL!!!!!!  It’s eating my arm!  SELLL!!!!!!  SELLL!!!!!! SELLL!!!!!!  Suddenly, SELLL!!!!!! stops and smiles.  SELLL!!!!!!, “Take it easy, Grey.  I was just messing with you.  Oh, and Cantu really is a sell.  For reals.  SELLL!!!!!! out.”

Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year.  Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool.  Octavio Dotel?  The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel.  Now hold the preceding up to a mirror.  Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill.  Even Roger ain’t Jolly.  The Hoff looks drunk.  And Trevor too.  The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher.  Pick them up in that order.  For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues.  I didn’t go deeper than that.  Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI.  After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on.  Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-7 and 2 homers for The Dread Pirate.  Now has 3 homers and 10 steals as he bats .303.  This might come as heresy, but The Dread Pirate could be a 3rd rounder next year.

Juan Gutierrez – Converted his first save.  Qualls was unavailable even though he hadn’t been used in two days.  I’m suspicious.  And, yes, I’m wearing a monocle.  Closers don’t just turn up unavailable in a one run game.  There’s something here.  I’d own Gutierrez over the Villanueva crapfecta that was listed in the lead-in.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 8th homer of the year to lead the major leagues.  I pushed everyone to draft this guy from the moment he was traded to the Diamondbacks.  Where’s the love?!

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his third homer and stole his third base.  It’s weird, it’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-6, homer and a steal.  Love that, love the Rockies.  I am Eskimo kissing my fantasy baseball team.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, I don’t even like him, but he appeared in last week’s Buy/Sell as a Buy and he’s now hitting, like, .300 for the last five days.  BTW, Rudy just traded Cody Ross for Coghlan in his NL-Only league.  Rudy also traded in his Winger CDs for a previously worn Band-Aid.  Doode’s a trading machine!

Jorge Cantu – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer as he took the lead in the National League in RBIs.  He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is oddly enough the wrong side.  Speaking of Sells…

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yup.

Brandon Inge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He hits ‘em in bunches.  Now has a bunch of three in the last 3 games.

Scott Baker – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Last year, his 1st half ERA was 5.42 compared to 3.28 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he just takes forever to get going.  Whatever the case, I’d look elsewhere.  Not that you need me to tell you, but Baker’s cooked.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Shields pitches well in Florida.  He do what he do.  In the preseason, I absolutely refused to own Shields because of his soul-crushing 2009.  I figured I could get out without any regrets.  Of course, Shields has pitched well and threw a wrench in those plans.  Sonavawrench!

Jon Lester – Threw a seven inning one-hitter with 11 Ks.  Last Friday, I wrote, “If (Lester) doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!”  Too late.

Jake Fox – Caught his 5th game yesterday.  I haven’t talked much about him because he’s hitting .175 with one homer.  Worth noting though in AL-Only and 2 catcher leagues.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 Ks, 13 baserunners as he took your WHIP for a ghost ride.

Ryan Madson – Blew the save and got the Win.  Such a Cuddle Boy move.

Jimmy Rollins – Began a running program. The name of the program is, “J-Roll Rolls.”  Some discarded titles were, “Hurry, Juan Castro Is Starting,” “You Were Drafted In The 2nd Round In Fantasy, Doesn’t That Mean Anything To You?” and “It’s Always Runny In Philadelphia.”

Luis Atilano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  He has 5 walks and 2 Ks in 12 innings.  Don’t even think about picking him up.

Matt Capps – Capps has been quite possibly the only closer to, ya know, convert a save all year as he picked up his 10th save yesterday.  SPOILER ALERT:  In next week’s Closer Look, Capps is crowned a Donkeycorn.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hey, I ain’t mad at cha, but how about you just go on the DL?

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.04 ERA on the year.  No reason why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues at this point.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not as bullish on Leake as I am on Garcia.  Leake’s walks are a mess.  Currently, he’s rocking a 18:15 K:BB.  Rocky road ahead, use caution.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.78 ERA on the year.  He’s been a tad lucky with men on base.  (BTW, Tad Lucky would be an awesome male porn star name.)  Dempster’s probably closer to a mid- to high-3 ERA guy.  He’s no Carlos Silva, that’s for sure.  Take that however you want.

Chris Young – Had his rehab start pushed back due to achiness.  Uh-oh, someone call the giraffe doctor.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer and bats near .400.  Not to totally flip you out, but this great April is coming from a guy who’s usually a slow starter.  Yo, Big Chief Lambreaux, let’s start a parade!

Jorge Posada – After getting hit on the knee, Posada was lifted from the game by Girardi.  Weird, cause Girardi doesn’t even look that strong.  Posada will probably only miss a game or two.

Gordon Beckham – Got the night off to get his head straight.  Ozzie announced the move on his Twitter account by saying, “Something stinks.  Not fingers.  It’s Beckham.  He sits.”

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners with 5 BBs and only 2 Ks.  Since you read Razzball, you probably don’t own Harden.  Good for you, because even the starts where he limits runs don’t look right.  If you can somehow confuse someone in your league that this was a good start, trade Harden.

Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  This save actually makes me want to own Frank-Frank more.

Matt Kemp – In the NL, he’s tied for 2nd in homers with 7.  He’s tied for 3rd in RBIs with 20.  He’s batting .292.  Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said, “(Kemp’s defense is) below-average.  If this is the last day of the season and people are voting for the Gold Glove, his name is not even on the ballot.”  Yeah, he’s no ex-Colletti signee, Juan Pierre.  What a putz.

John Ely – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looks pretty average.  Dropped about a K/IP as he moved up in the minors, which puts him around a 6 K/9 in the majors if the trend continues.  His control should be better than he showed in yesterday’s game, but still he’s an avoid outside of deep NL-Only leagues.  On the bright side, he has better hair than Dennis Farina.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th RBI and now is batting .355 since his call up.  Maybe Ike is a slap hitter.

John Maine – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Well, it is blueberry season in Maine.  I don’t buy this start.  Have Maine call me in 2011 and I’ll reevaluate.

Jose Reyes – I was watching the Mets game yesterday and Pagan and Cora came up and then Reyes came up and I was like, “Where’s the pitcher between Cora and Reyes?”  Interesting experiment, Mets.  Now fix your lineup!  I mean, I’ve heard of batting the pitcher 8th, but I’ve never heard of batting the bottom of your order at the top.  Stop making me think there was a double switch in the 1st inning.

Finally, Jacoby Ellsbury hits the DL.  This is probably a DL trip of less than a week.  At least the Sawx hope so.  Was also revealed Mike Cameron will miss a few weeks with a strained abdomen. (Shouldn’t it be a strained abdoman?)  If Cameron needs surgery, he could miss up to two months.  Darnell McDonald was called up.  Darnell McDonald is the answer to the question, “Who is Darnell McDonald?”  Other questions his name could’ve answered were, “Who’s the thirty-one year prospect in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”  Old McDonald has some speed…. ei, ei, ei, oh, no, you don’t want him.  Sure, he had the game-tying homer and the game-winning single off the wall, but he’s far from fantasy worthy at this point outside of very deep leagues.  Also called up, Josh Reddick.  Let’s cover him on the other side of the formality, shall we?  C’mon, follow me over this “anyway” sentence.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Here’s what Stephen said last month in the Red Sox minor league review, “Reddick has the potential for more power, especially with a high fly ball rate (49.5%).  With the announcement of Mike Cameron going to be out for a month on April 20th at 11:47 AM EST, Reddick should get a chance.”  Okay, I just got chills.  How did Stephen know that last month?!  He practices voodoo!  Reddick hasn’t done anything special this year in Triple-A.  Hitting .179 and one homer.  The one homer did come in only seven hits.  If you need pop, I’d grab Reddick in deep leagues, especially AL-Only ones.  He could also chip in a few steals.  Right now, he should see time in center while Ellsbury mends, then he could split time with Hermida and/or Drew.  Or he could be the first man off the bench.  Grab now, ask questions later.

Jeremy Hermida – 2-for-3 and a homer.  He’ll also get a boost in playing time.  Hermida was a big favorite of mine before I started the blog.  My PIN number used to be 15628, which was Hermida’s home address where I used to stalk him.  Restraining order and 3 uneventful years later, Hermida’s got some esplaining to do with his bat.  After two homers in two days, he’s worth grabbing if you need some power/RBI help.

Victor Martinez – 3-for-4 as he combined with Tim Wakefield to allow 9 steals.  Two by Vlad, who hasn’t been able to bend his knee since ‘Nam.  That’s just the Red Sox investing in defense.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 3 steals.  Left with leg cramping, must be that time of the month.  No word yet on the severity.

Elvis Andrus – 0-for-2, 3 steals as he continues to leadoff.  On one of the steals, Andrus slide into second, realized he forgot his wallet, went back to first and still got into second under the tag.  Oh, and it was a pitch out.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Salty should be back in about a week, barring a setback.  Or setbacchia.  Salty should take over for Teagarden and could save you some of your rotisserie catcher issues.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss as Frank-Frank continues to suck-suck.

Edinson Volquez – Tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.  As frequent commenter Clyde Prompto said, “I can’t believe I was combing the internet all day to find out who the suspended player was and it turned out to be Edinson Volquez.  I was intrigued by the initial story, found some exciting possibilities during my research, and was ultimately extremely disappointed in the outcome.  I feel like I just lived through the fantasy baseball equivalent of an episode of Ghost Hunters.”  Volquez was on the DL until late-July anyway, so this really does nothing to his value.  If anything, I kinda like the gumption of an injured player PED’ing his way back from recovery since he can’t lose any additional time.  It’s similar to the prisoners beating up Madoff.  What, you’re going to punish me more?  Please, it’s shank time.

Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 with no walks and one steal.  If I had to assign a line to Stubbs, that would be it.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, no walks, no breaking ball and a fastball that wouldn’t even win an oversized SpongeBob at the county fair.  He might be headed for a visit soon to see Dr. Freeze.  He gets the Nats next, so, like a gambler who can’t leave the table even as he loses every hand, I’ll be rolling the dice on his next start.  And I’d fix that mixed metaphor, but I’m too old; I’m too tired; I’m too effin’ annoyed with Billingsley.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer.  He’s been caught stealing 4 times already.  Not sure if anyone’s going to put the brakes on him, but, assuming they don’t, I’m guessing he’s going for 30/30 this year.  And making it.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Barring injuries, there’s no reason to think he’s not back.  So when you ask me if you should go with Schmohawk Shortstop Behind Door #3 or Furcal… I’m going Furcal.

Jorge Cantu – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Cantu was terrific last April too, so it could be a guise.  Don’t fall for the perfume and makeup.  Cantu has an Adam’s Apple.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as the Astros scored more runs in this game than all of their other games combined.  Don’t worry, they still have 6 holes in their lineup.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4 and a steal.  I don’t like him at all, but he might be finally heating up.  He will hit better than his current .140.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 and a steal.  Thank God, the shipment of Red Bull finally arrived.

Nate McLouth – 1-for-3 as he hit the game winning homer.  McLousy’s always been a very streaky player and he was battling some health issues in training camp.  Might finally be feeling 100%.

Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 3 ER, blown save and has an ERA of 7.71 on the year.  Not sure why it took me so long to realize it, but I think Madson’s a Cuddle Boy.

David Aardsma – Recorded his 6th perfect save.  Member all the people in the preseason who were like, “Grey, your mustache has gone to your head, yo.  Aardsma is crizzap!”  Yeah, they’re off trolling the ESPN message boards now.

Milton Bradley – Left the game with an injury.  Or he left the game to beat the crap out of someone.  No word as of post time.

Vernon Wells – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  I think he hits 17 and is out for a month with a random injury, but I give up.  He could hit 25 homers this year.

Justin Maxwell – 2-for-5, as he continues to platoon with Willie Harris.  Is Maxwell going to explode?  Get smart!  He does have sneaky 10/25 potential with an every day job.

Mike Gonzalez – To meet with Dr. Freeze.  Hope everyone has their hands on Johnson.  Hmm… Probably could’ve reworded that.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I’m pretty pissed I don’t own him in any leagues.  Oh, wait.  I own him across more teams than any other player.  Him and…

Chase Headley – 1-for-2 with 3 steals as he hits .358.  I don’t have the time or the energy, but there’s at least three dozen preseason comments of mine about how I refused to pay/reach for a 3rd baseman so I targeted Headley everywhere.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  As long as he keeps pitching like this, he can keep spelling his first name like he lost a Scrabble tile.

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-4, 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of a hot streak.  If someone grew bored of him, grab him off waivers.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2, homer and a steal.  See that, Mini Donkey just needed some goading from me.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-6 as he continues to hit leadoff.  That’s it.  I’m not talking about him again for at least two weeks.  Do what you do.

Chad Qualls – Worked a perfect inning for the save.  I’ve dropped Gutierrez everywhere for Fister. (Then I dropped Fister for Ryota Igarashi during the “It might be K-Rod who took PEDs!” fiasco of  April 20th.)

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know what?  Against this team, it wasn’t the worst start.  His defense and some wildness let him down.

Kevin Slowey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I own Slowey on a lot of teams too.  I nearly picked him for the Cy Young.  I don’t think he’s eating the hirame.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 5 Ks, 8 baserunners, 5 BBs.  You kinda asked for this if you threw him against the Yankees.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5 Ks.  Porcello went mushaboom, Feist.  I own Porcello on one team, my Razzball team where I’m trying to accumulate the worst stats.

Scott Kazmir – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  You, “Kazmir is so nasty.  I’m so glad I have him.  He’s perhaps my favorite player ever.  I’ll trade you him for Jay Bruce.”  Or at least that’s the ideal you.

Jeff Mathis – To the DL with a fractured wrist, will miss at least 6 weeks.  You know whose time it is now to catch?  Bobby Wilson!  Or maybe that Napoli character.  Yesterday, Scioscia went with Napoli and was nice enough to bat him ninth.  True story, the Angels placed Napoli not Mathis on the All-Star Ballot.  Scioscia was the one that submitted him.  With the game playing at Anaheim this year, I can only assume Scioscia was trying to make the fans happy with Napoli’s inclusion on the ballot and exclusion from every game.

Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights.  Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer.  Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year.  The closerousel has made me really nauseous.  Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it.  Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already.  I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two.  Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans.  SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role.  Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own.  I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.

Jimmy Rollins – It’s official.  Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL.  Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks.  Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4.  I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins.  As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”

Miguel Montero – Good news!  Well, kinda.  He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks.  Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.

Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness.  He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR.  No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy.  Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks.  He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs.  Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks.  Adam Dunn has 7 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis.  Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured!  I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him.  The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda².  Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.

Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368.  His health and/or this hitting won’t last.  Own him while it does.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats.  That should tell you what I think of Porcello.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners.  And that’s his downside.  Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.

Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.

C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning.  Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday.  I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.

Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks.  Yes, I love strikeout pitchers.  Here’s the issue.  A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid.  Ironic?  I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart.  B) He was honing his shizz in Japan.  Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan?  No offense, Sadaharu Oh.  C) He walks people.  A better hitting team will kill him.  D) There is no D.  There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts.  What else do you need?  He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues.  It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned.  Come on, people.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!

Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096.  Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA.  Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks.  A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit.  Fairly well, Bailey.

Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May.  I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.

Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.

Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday.  Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row.  No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.

Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer.  I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page.  You scroll and come back.  Maybe you wait for it.  Your choice.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts.  Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.

Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130.  Playing.  Not well.  I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him.  I see little reason to go back.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer.  BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011?  Yup.

John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks.  Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short.  He can be effective verging on yawnstipating.  My bigger issue is his injury concernness.  Yeah, that’s a word.  Eat it, Roget’s!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible.  I’m ignoring this burp.

Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back.  He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks.  You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!

Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby.  Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has now put together back-to-back solid starts.  Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate.  Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.

Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts.  Never stopped him before though.  So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven.  Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday.  I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year.  To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks.  Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”)

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals.  Has a five game hitting streak going.  For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues.  Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb.  Oh, wait, I read that news wrong.  He’s just nursing a sore thumb.  NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286.  Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.

Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.

B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once–  Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday.  He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post.  Ooh…Grey gets a gold star!  Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out.  Sorry, my H2H team sucks.

These are the leading hitters in the major leagues for last April.  Do I think every hitter does the same thing every year?  No, I don’t.  But hitters do tend to follow patterns.  If these players were good in April last year, there’s at least a chance they will be good this year.  Also, as I went over in this spring training stats post, just because a hitter isn’t hitting in March doesn’t preclude a big April.  Anyway, here’s some top hitters for the month of April last year:

Carlos Pena – Right now, he couldn’t hit the dirt off a hoe (the farm tool, guys, c’mon).  Last year, 9 homers in April.  Year before, 6.  Pre-All-Star Break last year, 24 homers.  Yeah, he tends to start hot.

Adrian Gonzalez – 22 homers pre-ASB in 2008, 24 homers in 2009.  9 homers in April, 11 homers in May.  Think about this shizz for a second.  25 homers pre-ASB in 2010 then he’s traded to the Red Sox.  As Sgt. O’Malley would say, “Top of the morning to ya!”

Alfonso Soriano – Was solid in April (7 HRs, 4 steals, .284).  Has been better in the first half the last couple of years.  (Couple is a sneaky way of saying two, yet making it seem like it’s more than two.  Girlfriend, “How many dollars did you leave on that twenty dollar bill?”  You, “A couple.”  Later in the relationship:  You, “How many of my friends did you sleep with?” Girlfriend, “Four.”)

Ian Kinsler – When you skip the last month of every season, it only makes sense that you would be good in the first.  If Kinsler isn’t good in April, then you really have worries.

Raul Ibanez – There’s quite a few older players on this list.  Makes sense to me that an older player would start well only to trail off as the season starts to take its toll.

Justin Morneau – April’s been historically his 2nd best month after May.  This could change with the new stadium.

Bobby Abreu – By far his biggest steal month last year was April.  See Ibanez’s blurb or seven-eighths of an inch above.

Dexter Fowler – Not much of a sample size here, but last year he stole 9 bases in April.  Maybe he was trying to prove his value to the club.  Maybe this year he’ll need to do the same thing.

Torii Hunter – From 2007 to 2009, he’s been superior in the 1st half of the year.  Isn’t it weird how 2007 to 2009 is three years, but if you subtract 7 from 9 it’s two?  Yeah, maybe it’s just me.

Jorge Cantu – Was good for power last April.  Was not good in any other month.  That’s Was (Not Was) for you crazy 80′s kids.