On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning! Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation. You were a melancholy soul. But now you’re happy — yay. It’s still Monday funday! There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures. Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures. Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved. A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla) 8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito) 9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn) 10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija) 11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland) 12.Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek) 13. Ryan Madson(Sean Marshall, Nick Masset) 14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey) 15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez) 16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks) 18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero) 19. Jordan Walden(Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins) 20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers) 23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed) 24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo) 26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp) 27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom) 28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins) 29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine) 30. Juan Abreu(Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)
With the the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings. Some will feel like it came too soon, others will think let’s get 2012 under way already! Whichever camp you fall in, don’t eat cherimoya seeds, they are poisonous. This is our final look back. This is still a look back. It is not how I’d rank them for 2012 aka next year. As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater. I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIRS. Their rankings for closers weigh wins when I’d just want saves, but whatevs. At least it’s unbiased. Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
1. Craig Kimbrel – There’s a theme in the top 20 closers we need to address. Where I ranked them (or didn’t rank them at all) compared to where they ended up is all over the place. Now you can either think I’m a jerkoff or you can realize how unpredictable closers are. This is why you never pay for closers. The ones that you think will be fine end up disappointing (Soria) or flat-out sucking (Broxton). Then there’s the ones that just come out of nowhere. It all comes back to SAGNOF! In my defense, I told you to draft from a tier that included Putz, Axford, Kimbrel, Storen and Chris Perez. For Kimbrel, I said, “Want a closer that can go from “Who’s Craig Kimbrel?” to “I don’t know who Craig Kimbrel is but I’m glad I drafted him?” Then you’re in luck; Craig Kimbrel is just the guy to do it.” And that’s me quoting me! Preseason Rank #16, 2011 Projections: 3-3/2.95/1.18/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 4-3/2.10/1.04/127, 46 saves
2. Drew Storen – It’s pretty cool how many new names are at the top of the closer year-end list. I mean, not cool like it’ll help you get laid unless you’re actually one of these closers, but cool nevertheless. Storen bumped his K-rate up to 8.84 and lowered his walk rate from 3.58 to 2.39. Not a bad season for a guy who was never named the closer. Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 2-5/3.00/1.25/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 6-3/2.75/1.02/74, 43 saves
3. John Axford – Member when K-Rod was traded to the Brewers and you started crying because Axford was going to lose his closer job? Think of all those tissues you wasted. In the preseason, I said, “I almost put Axford in my top five overall but I would like to see him do it one more year. Correction: I want to see him do it another year on all of my fantasy teams. Go after him aggressively. Could be a huge fantasy year.” Can’t make this shizz up. Well, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double check. Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections: 3-1/3.00/1.22/80, 32 saves, Final Numbers: 2-2/1.95/1.14/86, 46 saves
4. Mariano Rivera – Yet another year that Mo did what Mo does and I said he wouldn’t do it. I also said to avoid Bailey and Street, so I wasn’t totally crummy from being crackers. One interesting thing to note on Mariano’s line is the 1-2 record on a team that won 97 games. Shows you how predictable wins are, i.e., they’re not. Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections: 5-4/3.10/1.00/50, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 1-2/1.91/0.90/60, 44 saves
5. J.J. Putz – This was one of the easier calls of the preseason. As long as Putz didn’t go down to injury (ouch), he was going to have a good year. On a side note, Putz has an orange curtain on his bottom lip. You expect Carrot Top to come out from his chin and do some prop comedy. Maybe it’s just me. Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections: 2-4/2.70/1.15/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 2-2/2.17/0.91/61, 45 saves
6. Jose Valverde – Do they still give out a Rolaids Relief Man of the Year? If they do, Valverde won it this year. If they don’t give out that award anymore, they should give out a Sunglasses and Advil, Last Year Was Mad Real award. That’s what Kanye and I would name it. Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections: 5-2/3.00/1.18/70, 35 saves, Final Numbers: 2-4/2.24/1.19/69, 49 saves
7. Joel Hanrahan – I can tell people to draft closers from lousy teams, but I don’t know if anyone really listens that isn’t already prone to do it anyway. Hey, choir, hear me preach. Hanrahananananan was actually a bit disappointing with his Ks and was a tad lucky with his ERA and, in turn, his WHIP, but he still did more than you could’ve wanted, so you’re welcome. Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections: 2-4/3.95/1.25/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 1-4/1.83/1.05/61, 40 saves
8. Francisco Cordero – I could be yelling fire before the match is even lit here, but I feel like Cordero is becoming a wickmen though not quite a FEMA. Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections: 4-5/3.50/1.35/60, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 5-3/2.45/1.02/42, 37 saves
9. Heath Bell – Modifying clause, Bell has been the safest closer that has given you the most stress over the past two years. He’s not getting traded… Yes, he is!… No, he’s not!… Is too!… Is not!… I stole the cookie from the cookie jar! Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections: 3-4/2.90/1.18/85, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 3-4/2.44/1.15/51, 43 saves
10. Jonathan Papelbon – I owned Papelbon on a few teams last year so it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware of the huge WHIP and Ks season he was having. Yet, I didn’t realize he had so few saves. Only 31 saves? I know there’s no accounting for saves, but how is that even possible for a 90 win team? Without having my crack team of 100 monkeys look it up (so going off the top of my head), I have to think that’s the lowest save total for a 90 win team for a closer who had the job for the whole year. Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections: 5-3/2.75/1.18/75, 38 saves, Final Numbers: 4-1/2.94/0.93/87, 31 saves
11. Fernando Salas – Not only did he put together a fantastic season, but he also dealt with a dozen closer role changes depending on which way La Russa’s feathered hair blew. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-6/2.28/0.95/75, 24 saves
12. Ryan Madson – This from the Phils GM for 2012, “I don’t feel comfortable with the guys we have internally,” Amaro said. “If Ryan does not sign, we might have to go outside the organization. There are some people in our system who think [Justin] DeFratus or [Phillippe] Aumont can [close]; I am not convinced of that yet.” Since the Phils also said Madson can’t close to start the 2011 season, I guess Aumont or DeFratus will close in 2012. Preseason Rank #7 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections: 3-3/3.25/1.28/60, 18 Holds, 7 Saves, Final Numbers: 4-2/2.37/1.15/62, 32 saves
13. Kyle Farnsworth – Hmm… Only 25 saves? Maybe I do need my crack team of 100 monkeys to look up the lowest save total for a closer on a 90 win team. Then again, Farnsworth had some injuries this year and ceded to Peralta for a stretch. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-1/2.18/0.99/51, 25 saves
14. Brandon League – Someone should see if there’s a mathematical formula for the likelihood of saves for a losing team vs. a winning team. If someone hasn’t done this already. My monkeys have their hands full. Masturbating. Hey, it’s the offseason. Cut them some slack. Preseason Rank #5 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections: 4-4/4.25/1.28/60, 10 Holds, 12 Saves, Final Numbers: 1-5/2.79/1.08/45, 37 saves
15. Sergio Santos – Had a terrible September (9 ER in 8 2/3 IP), wasn’t the closer for stretches of the season (or was but wasn’t official) and had to deal with Ozzie. Still, his K-rate — I’m putting my fingers together at my mouth and blowing air kisses — muah, muah! Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 4-5/3.55/1.11/92, 30 saves
16. Jordan Walden – Well, he was no Fernando Rodney. Thankfully. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-5/2.98/1.24/67, 32 saves
17. Mike Adams – I contemplated leaving the Holds guys off this list and just going a little deeper on the closers. Then I contemplated changing the title to the top 20 relievers. Then I decided to do nothing and just tell you I contemplated that other shizz. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-4/1.47/0.79/74, 2 saves
18. Tyler Clippard – If you would’ve blindfolded me before writing this and asked who was more valuable Venters or Clippard, I would’ve said why are you blindfolding me? Can’t you just ask me? I mean, the blindfold makes it kinda weird. Are you going to tickle my feet with a feather? Oh, and I would’ve said Venters. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 3-0/1.83/0.84/104
19. Chris Perez – You could put his stat line next to the definition of a donkeycorn. Nothing spectacular, just good old fashioned valuable closing games with closer-style old fashioned stuff… Wow, I got totally lost in that sentence and didn’t know how to finish it. Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections: 1-4/3.10/1.16/70, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 4-7/3.32/1.21/39, 36 saves
20. Neftali Feliz – Honestly (unlike the rest of the post where I was lying), no closers really disappoint as long as they keep the job and get saves. Though if you’re one of those types with high expectations, Feliz disappointed. And I’m not just talking in the World Series. There’s always next year, Rangers! (Assuming Washington doesn’t blow the team’s salary in Vegas. With the key word being blow.) Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 5-2/2.75/1.00/90, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 2-3/2.74/1.16/54, 32 saves
Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season. Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them. The sadness! The grief! The inconsequence of it all! Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related. I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him. Just look up. Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.) Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September. Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap. Huston Street got hurt — shocker! Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive. Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security. He’s the Teflon Closer. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 2. Craig Kimbrel(+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri) 4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard) 5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall) 7. John Axford(+5) (Francisco Rodriguez) 8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop) 9.Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman) 10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez) 11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell) 12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 13. Drew Storen(+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale) 15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez) 16. Ryan Madson(+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 17. Joe Nathan(+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow) 19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright) 20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
22. Jordan Walden(-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi) 23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson) 24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel) 26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato) 27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch) 28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers) 29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn) 30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)
Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday. He’s tizzerrible. I won’t defend him. Your honor, no questions at this time. I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up. They’re defeated. Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you. His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying. Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins. Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid. Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was. Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork. The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month. I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired. Well, then go take a nap. Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year. If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs. Order is a coin flip. Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”
Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms. It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale. If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.
Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts. I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season. How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench? Fun aside: his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.
Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year. It’s his special purpose.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags. That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues. Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs. I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.
Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again. Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that. Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer. Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.
Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318. His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint. As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.
Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs. His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.
Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up. It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl. Trout has homers now in his last two games. The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench. With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.
Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy? Or stick a needle in his ass? This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out. Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER. I would stay away. Ixnay on the Enryhay.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs. He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.
Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning. Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week. He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer. I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.
Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers. Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard. Cust kayin’.
Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Wait, what? Oh, God, no! Wait, no, c’mon. Really? *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?! He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.
Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him. “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!” That’s except when he’s not pitching well. Where did all the smarter than thou’s go? Probably onto fantasy football.
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer. His bag is, uh, stealing bags. He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week. Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg. What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs? Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long? Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?
Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save. Yup.
Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week. Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?
Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away. BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?” “Why do you ask?” “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”
Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A. That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.
Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen. It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders. Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane? No, this is for ratings, snitches! That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend. How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard. ‘See, bored?’ is more like it. But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young. His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP. Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick. When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September. Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.
Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save. Cuddle boy! Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday. I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.
Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist. Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.
Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season. Safe to drop him. Could backdate that to June. You know what’s nice? Your mustache? Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service? Is that a pun? Kinda. No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint. Just drop.
Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves. BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?
Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save. I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer. With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee. In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games. He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate. As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting. He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role. If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.
Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks. Feliz Capu anos!
Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year. Really no shocker here. Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season. Setbacks happen yadda3.
James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks. It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year. Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.
Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal. The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.
Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck. How appropriate.
Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday. Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.
Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs. Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back. He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade. Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.
Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear. I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day. Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile). Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.
Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War. Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.
Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double. His right hamstring said, “I got next!”
Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday. Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday. I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen. Motte should be the closer. Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.
Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning. They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers. Joey makes me coo coo roo.
Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday. Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs. Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play. Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.
Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain. Send El Caballo to the glue factory!
Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year. Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about? That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?” Snap in the 0-for-12 formation. I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it. Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’
Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend. The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.
