Fantasy Baseball Advice

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter.  Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!”  But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs.  Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover!  LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats.  Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy.  He is that guy.  Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!”  Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year.  Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.

Fernando Rodney – A crap reliever, yes.  But getting saves, yup.  Somewhere, Bob Wickman and his fans that used to dress as candles are smiling.

Brad Lidge – Storen is out for a few months.  Does he come back at all this year?  I don’t know, but when that’s even a question you should be speculating on the doodes getting saves for the Nats.  Right now, that’s Lidge and Henry Rodriguez — or Benry Ridge, which sounds like a green-conscious company.  Here at Benry Ridge we know your stool isn’t just something short people stand on.

Santiago Casilla – I just went over him and Romo this morning.  Try the scroll, player.

Chone Figgins – Batting leadoff and over .300 as of this writing.  Do I love him?  Figgy, please!  But there’s some value here.  On a side note:  I had to draft a 12-team AL-Only team for Rudy the other day (and drafted Figgy for like $4).  Anyway, due to ESPN’s terrible draft room and my friend’s dog that I was watching, I accidentally nominated Scott Baker (after it was announced he’d be out for the season) and ended up with him for $1.  I only nominated him because he was on the top of the out-of-date list and my time ran out because I had my hands filled with a barking dog.  Obviously, I’m not drafting him and an online draft should be the best approximation to an in-person one.  You shouldn’t be penalized because of stupid draft software.  Immediately, I asked the draft to be paused — as we had paused it numerous times already because people accidentally bid too much or something — only this time it turned out that the host of the draft wasn’t there anymore, so no one had the controls to pause the draft.  Seriously, if you host a league, have the decency to be at the draft.

Kyle Seager – In that same AL-Only league that I drafted for Rudy, I grabbed Seager for cheap.  The next day Rudy was like, “Good grab on Seager.”  I thought he was being sarcastic.  That shows you how much I think of Seager.  He’s a guy with an outside chance for a 10/10 season.  Honestly, he may not be that much worse than Ackley this year.

Zack Cozart – Think this makes 4 weeks in a row I’m recommending you pick him up.  Next week, he’ll break the the all-time record currently held by Ty Wigginton.

A.J. Pierzynski – Okay, now I will walk into oncoming traffic for suggesting Pierzynski.

David Murphy – There’s a contingent of people that love David Murphy, and some that just don’t get it.  Call it the Murph Wars.  In the big picture, he’s really a 15/12 guy with a decent average that should only be started vs. righties.  But he’s also a guy that seems to produce whenever you pick him up, though that might be confirmation bias or some other fancy Psych 101 term.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – I like Nieuwenhuis even if his name is impossible to spell.  His surname sounds like a starter home in Sweden.  He has decent pop and the Mets just have to stop playing Bay.  Like fo’ real, fo’ real.

Lance Lynn – I like Lance a lot.  His walks and Moor time he sees in the rotation may be his undoing, but he brings a solid ground ball and K-rate to the round table.  (<–Dorkiest puns ever!)

Jeff Samardzija – The buzz feels a little stronger on Samardzija than Lynn.  I get it, he was throwing near-100 MPH at the end of his first start.  That’s exciting, that gets the blood flowing to the nether regions without any blue pills.  I think Samardzija does have a higher upside, but Lynn should be a tad safer.  With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.

Edinson Volquez – Kinda surprised I have to beg people to pick him up.  Everyone open your prayer book to “Guys who can get 200 Ks that are on waivers.”  Okay, now read from it.  You, “Edinson Volquez.  Um, that’s all it says.”  Yup.

Joe Weiland – Hodgepadre!

Juan Nicasio – Has a 7+ K-rate and should have around a 3.75 ERA.  There’s always the Coors Field factor, but that’s to scare girls (no offense, 4 girl readers, that’s a figure of speech).

Jon Niese – “Hey, Grey, let me ask you a pregunta that you can use your big brain for?  Edinson, Nicasio, Samardbfslkbkfwsa, Lynn or Niese?  Thank you and your mustache; it looks extra bushy today!”  Niese is the safest without the upside.

J.D. Martinez – He’s hitting third for the Astros and… Gah!  I tried so hard to get through that compliment.  He’s a’ight.  Will probably have solid counting stats and 20+ homers.  He’s really not that different than LaRoche (obviously a different position).  Rudy likes him a decent amount.  Rudy knows his shizz.  Some time ask Rudy about the time he vomited in the back of a taxi, then, once you got him talking, ask him about J.D.

Alejandro De Aza – You pick him up for the steals and you stay for the occasional homer and fun you can have singing his first name at a gay bar.  In all seriousness, he could be a cheap Victorino.

Alex Presley – I was downright floored — floored, I tell ya! — when I saw he was only owned in 6.6% of ESPN leagues.  Save that fear of success shizz for your real life, this is fantasy baseball!

Jordan Schafer – What’s this a 4,000 word post about speedy outfielders that have some minor pop?  I will pop you, son!

Ryan Sweeney – I told you to pick him up last week and I’m not going to repeat myself.  And that’s me quoting me, but, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, what a schmohawk!  Are you being meta?  Yes, Random Italicized Voice.

SELL

Mark Trumbo – I was surprised to get questions the last few days about dropping Trumbo.  I didn’t think people drafted him.  Stone Hands At 3rd + Pujols + Morales + Crowded Outfield = A near mint Dave Concepción rookie card.  Hmm, that math looks wrong.  I think I forgot to carry a one somewhere.  Either way, you need to look elsewhere if you own Trumbo.

Chad Billingsley – Is there any pitcher that had cushier matchups his first two times out?  Padres are like a throwback offense to the dead ball era and the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Chuck Tanner.  If you think you can flip Bills, I’d make sure I had some back support.  If you think you can trade him for someone like, say, Luebke, I’d do it.

Brandon Belt – I still like him, but he’s the sun and Bochy’s head is the moon and there’s a total eclipse of the gooftard.

If I were the type to gloat, I’d say I told you to not draft David Wright.  I’m not that type of fantasy baseball ‘pert though.  Nah, I simply get satisfaction from not owning him anywhere and watching as teams that do own him scramble looking for replacements.   ….Okay, it’s similar to gloating, but it’s not the same thing.  With his sudden proneness for injuries, Mets fans may reflexively be chanting ‘Larry’ when he comes to bat now, which may not be for a while since he has a fractured pinkie.  He’ll need to wear a splint and the Mets are saying he’s out indefinitely, but we’ll know more later today.  In the meantime, the Mets pitching coach will be teaching Wright how to throw a splint finger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Morse – Shutdown after having renewed pain in his lat.  There’s no timetable for his return.  Real World Situation Alert:  Your boss at Shakey’s says he appreciates the way you put the “Happy Birthday” messages on the giant billboard out front, but there’s no timetable for a promotion.  How does that make you feel?  Okay, now how do you feel about Morse?

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I miss owning him.  That is all.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m not saying he’s not bouncing back and I’m not yelling fire in the theater of Razzball, but he did hit .385 last April.  Things that make you go hmm…

Austin Jackson – 1-for-2 with a homer, now batting .563 with a downright weird BABIP over .750, which has Jackson’s owners saying keep Austin weird.

Neftali Feliz – 7 shutout innings (6 baserunners, 4 Ks) in his first start (albeit against the Mariners).  The Rangers convert relievers better than missionaries convert natives.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with the home run and 2 steals, which I guess is a slam and legses.  Legii?

Kyle Drabek – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  With starts like this he should stay in the Blue Jays rotation, but remember he’s got potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.  The potential is there, though.

Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 walks), 4 Ks. You have a team that has a leadoff hitter hitting over .500, Miggy and Fielder hitting over .400 and you give 5 walks… Yeah, I’d be happy with only two earned runs too.

Dustin Moseley – His MRI revealed that his shoulder has extensive damage.  And that’s how one goes from a Hodgepadre to an “Oh Fudge” Padre.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 3rd HR of the year.  Must be the combination of knowing he’s not a Met and won’t have to face Wainwright’s curve ball.

David Freese – 3 HRs and 10 RBIs now in 6 games.  He’s going to be pissed with that hypnotist when there’s no champagne in the clubhouse after their next win.

Lance Berkman – Says he has a tender calf.  Aw, ain’t that sweet?  He should sing it lullabies.  He also said he should be ready to go by Friday.

Sergio Santos – Cordero will get saves until Saturday because Santos has been excused to attend the birth of his first child.  I hope his wife’s not counting on him to save any mementos from the hospital.

Daniel Bard – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Just when Sale and Feliz get you excited about converted relievers… On the plus side, he only walked one and struck out 6.  If he keeps his walks down like that, he might actually pitch some quality starts.  Of course, he won’t get any wins because the bullpen will blow them.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Member what I said last week about him being a solid pitcher in April and May?  Yup.

Jayson Werth – 4 for 5 against the Mets.  3 singles, 1 double.  Must’ve been his brother Laynce in the stands that inspired him to such heights.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was recommended in our two start pitcher post on Saturday.  The blurb about Detwiler made me laugh, too.  My loud high-pitched annoying laugh that you’ll be hearing more of later today with our newest podcast.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4 with a homer.  His owners probably can’t wait until he cools off so they can drop him.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer in his first game back.  Otherwise known as the game before he’s injured again.

Tyler Pastornicky – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  Aren’t you glad you punted shortstop and grabbed Pastronicky or Cozart late?  Yeah, I know.  Thank me later.

Lorenzo Cain – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  Usually when one of my guy’s gets injured I get sullen — despondent even! — but, uh, guess who gets more at-bats if Cain is injured?  The ultimate in SAGNOF — Bourgeois!

Blake Beavan – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice; I wouldn’t go near him.

Jordan Schafer – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 3 SBs in 5 innings against Hanson-McCann.  The last time someone stole that much from a Hanson was this chick who stole the Hanson drummer’s virginity during the MMMBop tour.

Chris Narveson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Chris Narveson isn’t just The Noid’s Christian name, he’s also a pitcher who I like for certain matchups.  Should be good for a 7+ K-rate and a just-under 4 ERA.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t say I like Edinson for matchups.  I’d say I like him for all leagues.  He’s in a terrific pitching park where his walks won’t haunt him as bad, get on board!

Derek Jeter – 2-for-6 with a homer the day after going 4-for-4.  Looks like someone’s hitting the Carrow’s for the Early Bird Special.  Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats.

Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 8 Ks.  Granted, it was against the A’s, who have hitters that their own mother wouldn’t draft, but Duffy looked solid but wild.  That is his downfall as of right now, “solid but wild.”

Vladimir Guerrero – In police custody after a bar brawl in the Dominican Republic.  Guerrero said he had nothing to do with the inciting argument and that he was just the designated hitter.

Sometimes when you take the fielding coach a little too literal, this is what happens.  Miguel Cabrera came face to face with his fielding fears and a baseball and the baseball won.  A sharp grounder shattered his sunglasses, leaving his right eye a bloody mess.  The good news for Miggy, the doctor prescribed a 15 ounce porterhouse.  No word if Miggy put it on his eye with or without A1 Steak Sauce.  Just thought of something.  Since the 2012 All-Star Game is in Kansas City, I’m sure George Brett will throw out the first pitch.  You thought he was mad during the Pine Tar Game, wait until he sees Miggy and Hanley playing 3rd.  From early reports, it sounds like Miggy will be fine, but Tigers won’t release Miggy’s face X-rays until after this posts on Tuesday, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  An&yswy, hiacte’s– Sorry, I’ll cross my fingers after I’m done with the post.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joakim Soria – Has UCL damage, which isn’t related to damage caused by a drunk UL Washington.  Or as Van Morrison would say, “His elbow doesn’t feel good.  His elbow doesn’t feel right.  His name is Soria.  S-O-R-I-A… And his name is Soria… S-O-R-I-A…”  There was talk that Soria should’ve been traded a few years ago.  I tend to agree, you don’t have a $12 salad if you can’t make your rent, but that’s neither here nor there now.  Some reports are saying Broxton will fill in as the closer.  I think Holland will close in Soria’s stead.  If you’re desperate for saves, I’d grab both of them.  At this point, it’s not clear who will take over the role.  I think it’s only about a 55% chance for Holland to be the closer, so you better grab an umbrella.

Chase Utley – Phils are reporting that he won’t be ready for Opening Day.  Well, they’re saying doubtful, but I’m saying he won’t be ready.  He has lingering pain in his knee and hasn’t had one at-bat all spring.  If you already drafted Utley, then you had to know this was gonna happen.  Chase’s knee hit every branch on the way down the Utley tree.  Or maybe his knee wore out hoisting strippers against a wall.  If you haven’t already drafted Utley, I’d push him down a few rounds.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Mariners released Kuo after he gave up 14 runs in 6 2/3 IP.  Guess the M’s weren’t happy with the *pinkie to mouth* status Kuo.  This is the second time Kuo has battled the yips.  Maybe it’s in honor of Yip Yip, the cartoon Taiwanese dog that likes to pickle his milk bones.

Carl Crawford – Yesterday, he took 20 swings off a tee.  The day before, 10 swings.  By June, the Red Sox are gonna have a portable fan.

Corey Hart – Could play as soon as Friday in a minor league game.  No word on whether or not Corey Hart will be wearing sunglasses.

Michael Brantley – Left the game for “precautionary reasons.”  He’s listed as “day-to-day.”  He should be back in “a few days.”  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

Jarrod Parker – Was sent down to the minors for a black man’s first name.  That’s some cold sheeeeeeeeeet!  We’ll probably be seeing Parker in a few months once Tyson Ross and Graham Godfrey, with his loud, piercing voice and penchant for roasting opposing players, overstay their welcome.

Brad Peacock – Things aren’t looking good for my sleeper pickock.  Hoping he still makes the rotation, but at the moment it’s looking like a long shot.  He’s a top fifty prospect and breezed through Double and Triple-A last year, so I’d hold tight for the time being.  Though I am fully expecting the ax to fall on him.  Sad emoticon.

Yoenis Cespedes – Will be the A’s starting center fielder to start the season.  No word on whether Yoenis’s brothers, Nick and Joe, will travel to Japan to watch him play in the opener.

Gregor Blanco – Word is it would take a “cataclysmic event to keep” Blanco off the Giants roster.  Like Bochy finding a hat that fits him at Lids.

Rich Hill – Talk about a name from the past.  Red Sox are saying he may get in a game this month.  You know what I always liked about Rich Hill?  The Sniglets.

Travis Wood – Was shelled yesterday.  Or to put it to you all punny like, Wood was knocked around.  After the Cubs said Samardzija was set for the rotation, this isn’t great news for Wood.  Or Wood’s going limp, if you will.

Jordan Schafer – Due to a sprained hand, Schafer won’t be back into action until Thursday.  Need to put your Zimmermania on hold for now.

Skip Schumaker – Sticking with the newly established theme of guys that sound Jewish but aren’t, Schumaker has an oblique tear.  Vague!  In related news, Allen Craig’s rehab has been progressing well.  Here’s Oregon Nut Cups’ Allen Craig fantasy.  He wrote it while chasing the dragon.

Chris Carpenter – May make his spring training debut this weekend, so he might still be back for Opening Day.  I’m still no fan; not in the Carl Crawford sense either.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was optioned to the Rochester Red Wings, which will soften the blow since that sounds like a Japanese baseball team name.

Vladimir Guerrero – Sounds like he might play in Japan.  If someone signs him, that’ll say something since Japanese teams are limited to only one non-native player with an L in their name.  While over there, maybe he can record an album, “Live at Vladokan.”

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!