Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

Jair Jurrjens has a xFIP of 3.64 and a K-rate of 5.23.  Sounds like you should brave the trade winds with Jar-Jar.  Or maybe I should say, “Wash that Jurrjens right outta your Jair!”  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns, I get it. You’re right, random italicized voice, lost my shizz there for a second.  Jurrjens’s K-rate is the lowest of his career and it wasn’t that good to begin with.  He did have one of these lucky years before (2009) when he left men on and had some luck with his BABIP, but he was K’ing a little over one more batter per nine innings then.  I can’t imagine Jurrjens keeps anywhere near the ERA he currently has (2.13) with his down peripherals, which was not a Kelsey Grammer movie.  So don’t make the same mistake as George Lucas and fall in love with Jar-Jar.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Charlie Blackmon – Is the vicious homers?  Nope.  Is the haircut?  Nope.  Is it the shoes?  Nope.  Is it the extra long shorts?  Nope.  Is it the short socks?  Nope.  It’s gotta be the steals!

Jordan Schafer – Sticking with the retro Nike feel, I’m mentioning Jordan.  He’s currently hitting, but, in the big picture, he’s just okay.  Jordan is His Fair-ness.

Justin Ruggiano – I wonder if Sam Fuld would pick up Ruggiano on his fantasy team.  On one hand, he knows what it’s like to be a hot schmotato and how fast they can go cold.  On the other hand, Ruggiano is stealing his playing time.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, Ruggiano was much more interesting in the minors leagues than Fuld.  (BTW, I think every baseball player should have to participate in a public fantasy league.  I’d love to see who would actually own themselves, what pitchers hitters would own and vice versa.  Jason Kubel is coming up to bat vs. Brandon Morrow.  You may not own either but after Morrow’s last start Kubel dropped him in his league and now Morrow beans him.  Intrigue!)

Travis Snider – Supposedly, he’s going to get recalled in a few weeks.  Rudy and I were talking over IM about how some guys are just such a tease.  Everyone rushes out to grab Snider every time he gets called up.  Do you forget why he was back on waivers to begin with?  He’s okay as a flyer, but I’m not going crazy with him until he actually shows something.  I’m turning over a new, more conservative leaf.  Now how about Dee Gordon?!

Alexi Casilla – Forget everything you know about Alexi Casilla…Okay, forget that you don’t know anything about Alexi Casilla.  He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is on pace for 25 steals. (As if you’re gonna keep him on your team all year!  Hahahahahaha….  Mid-haha I totally forgot what I was laughing at.)

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Two Twins middle infielders?  Um… Yay?  I think Nishioka will probably end up with more value than Casilla, but he might take a bit longer to get going.

Dustin Ackley – Just went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while trying to avoid eye contact in my gym’s locker room.

Jemile Weeks – Ackley is gonna have more buzz in fantasy leagues, but I imagine him and Weeks are pretty much the same thing this year.

Eduardo Nunez – If you had Jeter (did you draft him hoping he’d get you laid?) or need a quick one week fill-in, Nunez has speed and some slight power.

Jonathon Niese – For those with a short term memory — hey, who said that?! — I liked Niese in the preseason.  A 3 and a half ERA and solid K’s doesn’t seem to be that farfetched.

Tim Stauffer – This will sound rhetorical, but I’d take an answer.  How does a guy go unowned in so many leagues when he pitches his home games in a stadium where the center field fence has the infinity sign on it?

Andrew Miller – To continue from Stauffer’s blurb… Yet, if Miller pitches well vs. the Padres his ownership will skyrocket.  Miller who’s failed so many times in the major leagues and isn’t even guaranteed a rotation spot.

Jeff Baker – As long as the Cubs sit him vs righties, he’s only an add in deep, daily leagues where you can swap him in and out.

Dayan Viciedo – Kenny Williams said Viciedo is finally ready for the majors.  Ozzie said the same but put a hashtag on it.  He’s hit 10 homers in 62 games in the minors and his 3rd base eligibility makes him immediately ownable.  Though I would like to know where he’s going to play.  If he starts every day at 3rd base, I like him a lot, but he can’t play 3rd.  If he’s off the bench here and there in the outfield, then belch.  If the Sox bench Pierre and play Viciedo, then giddy up.

Luke Scott – Know how Miguel Olivo’s never happy hitting just one home run?  That goes doubly for Luke Scott.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

SELL

Michael Young – His counting stats don’t look terrible, but 3 home runs and 4 steals prorated over the whole year sounds Crapolanco-ish.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I’d sweeten a deal with Young and just grab an MI off waivers in leagues where that’s possible.

Josh Beckett – At some point, he’s going to look human again.  It may not be today…Well, it’s definitely not today because he’s not pitching.  It may not be tomorrow…Well, it won’t be tomorrow.  Not pitching then either.  It may not be until July, but at some point it’ll happen.  Don’t believe me, ask Ubaldo about his 1st half last year.

Joe Mauer – Welcome back, Joe!  Now trade him immediately.  Word out of Minnesota is Mauer will be sitting in a beach chair behind the plate to avoid crouching.  I just jumped out of a DeLorean and I have the big news from next year’s baseball preseason.  Bud Selig and Ed Wade switch toupees to raise money for lupus with a fundraising drive called, Raise the Wolf.  The 2nd biggest story:  after another down year in 2011 for Mauer, he will play primarily first base in 2012.  Then everyone will go crazy for a 12 homer hitting 1st baseman thinking he’ll be that much better if he doesn’t have to catch.  Well, that’s for another day (or year).  For this year, Mauer’s all name value.

J.J. Hardy has been hotter than a Latin woman frying chorizo in the Sahara desert.  Why she is in the Sahara is fodder for a J.J. Abrams movie.  In 2008, Hardy hit 24 homers and .283 in his fourth big league season.  Then poof.  Nothing.  He vanished.  Or did he?  It’s the real Hardy Boy mystery and, if he did it in a small bucolic town, it could be read as voiceover by Keith Morrison on Dateline.  He’s still only 28 years old and capable of 20+ homers over the course of the season.  Over the last ten games alone, 3 home runs and hitting .395.  Next week, the moon!  And Abrams might have a thing to say about why the moon too.  If Hardy’s on waivers, I’d absolutely grab him to see if he can continue to hit and stay healthy.  J.J.’s dyn-o-mite!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Hanson – Scratched from his Friday start with a sore shoulder.  Hanson’s value goes Mmmmplop.  Hopefully, he just needs a few days, but a shoulder problem… Well, just keep telling yourself he’s gonna be all right.

Randall Delgado – Will take Hanson’s Friday start.  Where did I just read about him?  Oh, I know!  Here, two days ago.  Stephen just dropped his Randall Delgado fantasy on you.  He wrote it while sitting outside of Diane Lane’s house.  Creepy!

Brandon Beachy – Had a solid rehab start.  Will have one more next week and then rejoin the Braves rotation.  And not too soon after Minor’s start last night.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  Vegas pays out a nickel for every thousand dollars bet that Jones would get injured.

Jordan Schafer – 5-for-6, 3 runs and a mention in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  It’s Friday, ya’ll!

Jeremy Guthrie – Left the start yesterday when his back went all spastic.  That sounds like an adjective my elementary school teachers used to describe me.

Zach Stewart – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was called up to take Kyle Drabek’s spot in the rotation.  Stewart’s numbers this year in the minor leagues leave something to be desired.  Something like a better K-rate.  He’s a passable flyer in an AL-Only league and not kosher in mixed leagues, i.e., pass-over-able.

Jon Rauch – 0 IP, 2 ER.  The Blue Jays will be holding auditions for closer at the West Covina Mall this Saturday from 10 to 2.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 and his 14th home run.  I drink Lind’s milkshake!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Returned from the DL and went 1-for-4 in the three hole.  I had a friend who’s found great enjoyment in the three hole.  Personally, I don’t– Wait, what?  Oh, Nishioka.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I look forward to you skimming it on your mobile phone while you go to the bathroom.

Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4 with his 10th home run.  On Wednesday, he stole three bases.  On Tuesday, he hit another home run.  Finally, he’s hitting .643 in the last week.  For those who have him at 2nd base, you did well and I’m a little jealous.  Are you happy now?

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-3 with his 6th home run.  Why’d he hit a home run?  Because I finally dropped him in one league.  Alcides Escobar, you better keep stealing bases.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4.  I try not to talk about the same players every day because then it gets boring for both of us.  I’ve now gone over a month since my last Sizemore mention.  On May 12th, I told you to sell him.  Since then, he has 1 home run, zero steals and is batting .203.  I don’t think selling is an option anymore.  Now you have to start thinking about cutting bait.

Jayson Werth – 2nd game in a row with a home run.  Wanna have your mind blown?  Okay:  34/10/26/.240/9; 25/10/27/.292/2.  The 1st one is marginally better because of the steals, but when you consider draft cost… Well, the first one is Werth; the second one is Laynce Nix.  Of course, Espinosa has been better than both of them at middle infield, but no one wants to own him.

Brian Gordon – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Started in place of Colon, he’s a herbathrowdite that was recently in the Phillies minor league system.  He had Bugs Bunny-type numbers this year in Triple-A — 56:7 K:BB, 0.83 WHIP in 55 1/3 IP.  Those are the kind of numbers that give hope to Brian Anderson and Tony Pena Jr. with their position reassignment.  I wouldn’t touch Gordon in mixed leagues yet, but I would look at him in AL-Only leagues.  Maybe one day ESPN can do a movie on him starring Chaz Bono.

Chris Snyder – His wife was attacked in a traffic dispute.  In a related story, Scott Cousins’ wife ran over a pedestrian.

Clay Buchholz – Left his start yesterday with lower back stiffness, which is less awkward than lower front stiffness.

Jake Peavy – Looked great in his rehab start.  Better bring him up immediately before he gets injured again.

Zack Greinke – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks.  His ERA is now up to 5.23.  BUY!  Seriously, don’t walk, run and buy him.  His K:BB is 70:9.  That’s a thing of beauty.  That’s in 53 1/3 IP.  Schnikes!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a 2.50 ERA the rest of the way.  Here’s Grey, here’s Grey going on a limb.  Snap or no snap?  No snap!

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Superb Lee.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win.  Any time you wanna pitch as well as your peripherals, Garza, feel free!

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Continues to be a must start at home and must take ulcer medicine because of his control issues.

Jose Lopez – 0-for-3.  Getting some starts at 3B for the Marlins as they long for the Jorge Cantu era.  They’ve even asked if he’ll change his name to Jose Cantulopez and answer to the nickname of “El Melon.”

Moneyball – I know, big fantasy news here!  Still, I’m giddy for this movie.  How could you not be?  It’s a movie that hinges on Scott Hatteberg.  A couple of thoughts on the trailer (which I’ve posted below).  Would’ve loved to been a fly on the wall for this pre-production conversation:  “We need an actor that can convincingly tell Brad Pitt he can’t pay retail prices for players?”  “Well, he’s gotta be nebbishy… Paul Giamatti?”  “Too old.  Too goy.”  “Hey, how about Jonah Hill?”  “Brilliant!”  Also, can’t wait for this scene in the movie:  “Who’s that sidearmin’ fella?”  “The name is Bradford.  Chad Bradford.”  Finally, this is the kind of movie that will have end titles about what happened after the movie ends.  Hope it reads something like this, “The A’s never did win a World Series and all of their relative success was due in large part to Eric Chavez, Miguel Tejada and Jason Giambi — three juice heads.”

Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC.  Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it.  Hey, pot, what’s up?  Kettle, here.  You black?  Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead.  Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits?  I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400.  Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade.  You read me?  Yeah, you do.  My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness.  See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win.  Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian.  You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect.  So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano?  Will he melt under the hot lights?  Or will he be solid enough to great?  In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals.  The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why.  While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more.  He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.

Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start.  Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Now has 8 earned runs since he returned.  Hey, he looks like his old self!  If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.

Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too).  I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t.  He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5.  Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.

Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot.  “Tears make me rust!”  That’s Morneau.  He just had an MRI on his wrist.  The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints.  Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked?  He needs to have his head checked.  He probably needs a new operating system.  On Morneau’s player card it says POS:  1B.  The POS is right.

Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery.  It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks.  You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows.  Pregunta:  Should I pick up Maholm?”  His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks.  I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues.  In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer.  Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  Now has a 23-game hitting streak.  Or 23 more games than Morneau.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run.  In the past week, he has 6 steals.  He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet.  Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games.  Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.

Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments.  In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.