Geez, Roy Oswalt has sure come a far way since the whole “I will only sign with one or two teams” stance as he signed with the Rockies. They’re not necessarily a bad team, but what pitcher wants to come out of semi-retirement to pitch in Colorado? It’s like Smokey the Bear coming out of semi-retirement to work at a cigar shop. “Smokey, we really appreciate the job you’re doing, but could you stop throwing buckets of water on our customers?” That’s Smokey’s boss at the cigar shop. Better yet, a pitcher coming out of semi-retirement to pitch for the Rockies is like I.M. Pei coming out of retirement to work at Home Depot. Roy Rockie Oswalt must’ve really got sick of driving his kids to school and needed something to do. Oswalt is going to assassinate his career ERA. Maybe Oswalt plans to drive his tractor to Colorado and haul dirt until Coors is at sea level. When your third best starter is a toss-up between Tyler Chatwood and Jeff Francis, you’re pretty much guaranteed a starting job, so Oswalt should be with the major league club shortly, but you shouldn’t care. I liked El Roy with the Astros, but it’s all rut-roh in Colorado. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gird your loins – we’re currently navigating positions battles in each division. Today I’m talking about the AL West, which gains the Astros this year, if anyone considers them something you gain. Every other team in the division should stand to benefit from the move. Maybe I’ve already beat them into the ground, especially with my review of worst pitching staffs in 2012, but they really could have a season for the ages (of a fallen empire). Across the state, the Rangers should continue to be a powerhouse, despite Ron Washington’s “leadership.” Meanwhile, the Angels look like the terminator, although, once their non-Trout core ages a little more, maybe they’ll be merely human. Today’s empires, tomorrow’s ashes – am I right? I don’t want to say anything bad about the Mariners other than this sentence implying that I have something bad to say about them. Ah yes, and I’m required by the union of baseball writers to have a token mention of the A’s. There you go. Anyway, here’s some of the position battles to watch in the AL West:

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As always on Saturdays we come to you live and direct with some of the lesser owned two start chaps that may be wandering your waiver wire like a lost kid at the Walgreens.  This week has some tasty options of the buy low variety, and 2 guys that are especially hot and pitching stupid.  Stupid in this case is a good thing, and if I really needed to explain that then, well, stupid does makes sense.  So enjoy this week’s selections of pitchers with that two start persuasion.  (Please note that pitchers and match-ups change.)

Kyle Kendrick (Mia vs LeBlanc, Hou vs Lyles) True story, his porno name would be Sweetums Swampfoot.  Last 5 starts he has been money, 4-1 with an ERA a tick above 1.50, yes that’s a one in front.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The week leading up to the All Star break is always fun times for me — it’s when I can take my paid vacation to beautiful Bayonne, NJ.  My all-inclusive cab ride includes a firsthand view of a few muggings, a stop for gas, and a flavored shaved ice from Primo, the traveling shaved ice guy.  In all seriousness, this is a good time to look at your roster and actually commit to it or start pondering the fantasy football drafts.  So happy 4th of July to all and I hope the fantasy gods bless you with bountiful stashes of herbs and RBI’s.  (Please note that pitchers and match-ups may change)

Everett Teaford (@Tor vs Romero, @Det vs Fister) Sounds like a guy I would want selling Butterscotch Krimpets, not throwing two games in one week.  I have seriously reconsidered how much I like those Krimpets now that I have written about them.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement.

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Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?