Don’t you love when New Yorkers say the expression, “I got your _____ right here!” Coming out of the right taxi driver’s mouth, it’s like a cello being played by Yo-Yo Ma. Sometimes it can get confusing when you are actually trying to tell someone you’ve located something.Please, blog, may I have some more?
About a month ago, Troy Tulowitzki had surgery to have scar tissue removed from his groin. Tulo now sings, “Scar tissue that I wish you saw, because I’m kinky.” Yesterday, the Rockies announced nothing, but people familiar with Tulo’s groin — hey now!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Achilles (Tennessee Mash – RCL 25) held on to the lead in the overall standings with 108 points, but things have tightened up. Big Magoo (Matthew Berry is a Tool) moved up a couple of spots to 2nd, just 1 point back. Trini (Psychic Friends Network – RCL 22) holds down 3rd with 105, while Playin’ The Field (Beef SAGNOF!) and Team Birdis (RCL 3) round out the top 5 with 104 points each.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer! That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams. First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers. Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brian Wilson is donzo. I called this one about 48 hours prior. You can put it on the beard…. Goodbye! The crizzappy thing for me is I told everyone to pick up Santiago Casilla to replace Wilson, and I picked him up too. I mean, I literally grabbed Casilla while the trainer was looking at Wilson’s arm on Thursday. So, of course, I dropped Casilla when Wilson was supposedly okay on Friday and Rudy grabbed him on Saturday before I could. *shakes fist* Rudy! No one really knows who’ll follow in Wilson’s non-conformist footsteps. He leaves a long shadow that smells of dirty socks. Sergio Romo has been a great MR for a couple years, while Casilla is rumored to be the favorite and Bochy brought him into the 8th in a tie game on Saturday. The mystery of ‘Who replaces Wilson?’ is trapped inside Bochy’s enormous head. To get the answer, you have move Bochy’s head like one of those wooden labyrinth marble mazes and hope the answer comes out his mouth and not one of the other holes. I’d grab Casilla and Romo, in that order. I actually even grabbed Affeldt for situational saves, but I realized I couldn’t speculate that deep — don’t have the bench room, yo — so I lost him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jacoby Ellsbury – That hard C you heard was the crunch of Brignac falling on a crapton of fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) number one outfielder. Doctors are saying Ellsbury has a subluxation, laymen are saying he has a dislocation of the shoulder, my Asian woman neighbor who’s always working on her lawn said, “Potato-potahto, you’re screwed.” For the next six to eight weeks, he’s D’Ellsburied. If he fails to respond to rest, there’s a chance he’ll need season-ending surgery. I say put a cone on his head and shove him in a dog crate. Gotta respond to that kind of rest. If you owned Ellsbury, you should be able to find steals — SAGNOF!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Went over the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball and top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball. Now, friends, it’s time for the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball. In the past, the top 20 catchers were the glass of warm milk right before you went to sleep. “Hey, I just drafted A.J.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It feels like yesterday the baseball regular season started. You wrote “I heart baseball” in permanent marker on your arm, then you met a girl who wrote “I heart guys who heart baseball” on her arm, then, during sex in September, you screamed out “I love you, Marco Scutaro!” and now you don’t have baseball or a girlfriend. C’mon, calendar, make like a soldier and turn to March. The only cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand-fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2011. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2012.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I usually like to wait a couple of months into the season to look at some of the catchers that couldn’t throw out your grandma even if she loses the tennis balls off her walker. (What is the deal with those tennis balls? I feel like that’s the kinda nonsense thing that would have a Facebook Fan Page. Everyone who likes tennis balls on walkers! Yay! BTW, what did people do before Facebook? Oh, yeah, Myspace. BTW II, The Return of BTW, is there anything sadder than getting an email from Friendster. Hey, come check out the new Friendster! Sure, as soon as I get on the internet with this dial-up modem.) Or some of the catchers that are quite agile — hey, it’s Italian! I wait a few months because new catchers come into the league and I like to see a decent sample size — that’s what she said! Anyway, here’s some of the best and worst catchers for fantasy baseball:
Jonathan Lucroy – Has only thrown out 6 baserunners out of 33. And he doesn’t even get to try and throw out Prince Fielder. “Pretend 2nd base is a vegan muffin…Now run!”
John Jaso – 7 caught out of 35. And John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt doesn’t have to try and throw out Upton.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words). Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks. Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year? Yeah, of course, I’m worried. What, am I delusional? Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store? No, of course, I’m not. I’m behind a Walgreens. I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression. Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am. I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh. We might be at his peak value. This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink. I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher. Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs. He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry. Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In just under two months at Triple-A (45 games), Brett Lawrie hit 12 homers and stole 10 bases. To put that in context, Dave Winfield hitting against Queen Latifah in the 2003 All-Star Celebrity Softball Game never got past 2nd base, on the field. The Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus said, “I’m more excited about (Lawrie) today than I was in April when he was hitting .430.” That makes two of us. Once he’s called up, his 2nd base eligibility makes him instantly startable in just about any league. If that doesn’t excite you, he’ll play 3rd base for Toronto. “Wait, what about playing time? Who’s playing 3rd base now in Toronto?” That’s you talking to yourself while you lick your Dorito-stained fingers. John McDonald, Jayson Nix and Edwin Encarnacion. Don’t worry if you didn’t know that. Sometimes John Farrell even has to call Jayne Nix, Jayson’s mom, before the game and ask to be reminded who his third baseman is. Seems like the easy answer there is yes, Lawrie will play. If he’s called up in the beginning of June, as I anticipate, I’d expect a 15/15 season. That’s pretty terrific for a middle infidel in three-quarters of a season. Now Lawrie’s on your radar, but is he on your team? Snap! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy. I wrote it while sitting in the Statue of Liberty’s torch thinking about our forefathers.Please, blog, may I have some more?