Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.”  At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic.  They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases.  Hit 20 homers.  Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much.  Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again.  Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.”  If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5.  Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average.  I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Psych!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell you about this exciting offer our fantasy basketball side of things has going on.  They’re doing commenter leagues and they’re free!  So if you like your athletes seven-plus feet taller than Dustin Pedroia, you go there.  Anyway II, here’s some offseason moves so far:

Ryan Doumit – Heads to Twins.  Recently overheard in the Twins front office, “Morneau and Mauer are sick of having only each other to talk to while on the Disabled List.  We need some injury-prone player to sit between them.”  Doumit fills that slot.  He can also play 1st base, catcher and, for once it doesn’t matter that his last name is German for “Without a Mitt,” as he can see time at DH.  If Doumit can stay healthy, he could be a top ten catcher.  That “if” has its own branch of government that just passed a law that says Doumit can never stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Signed a two-year deal with the Rangers to be their closer.  For real baseball, I think this is a terrible deal for the Rangers.  Nathan’s 37 years old and, while his K-rate wasn’t bad, he never looked lights-out, except for a stretch through July.  Now you’re throwing him in the heat of Arlington where home runs fly.  Last year his home ERA was 3.04 and his away ERA was 7.50.  I think the Rangers are going to regret this decision.  This is me telling the Rangers that.  For fantasy, his name will make him cost a bit more than I’d want to spend on a closer.  He probably will drift between a Donkeycorn and Brain Freeze for the better part of the year.

Neftali Feliz – Gets his wish, and will finally start for the Rangers.  He’ll begin to transition into a closer that throws six innings a game in the Dominican Winter League, which will give him a leg up on tiring out around August.  His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms.  I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff.  I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt.  His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years.  He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz.  Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled.  His walks also went through the roof.  I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible.  Who are you, Kevin Gregg?  But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career.  I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me.  Could see him giving a line of 10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings.

Wade LeBlanc – Traded to the Marlins for John Baker.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, John Baker and Wade LeBlanc were the first two players ever traded that also sound like they were in the Backstreet Boys.  Yeah, they didn’t say that.  Like when his friends left Central Perk, LeBlanc just lost all of his value.

Jonathan Broxton – Signed on with the Royals to be their set-up man.  I have the perfect nickname for him now that he’s in Kansas City, the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.  Oh, please, like you’ve never noticed how Broxton has the back porch of a rap video hoochie mama.  This signing sends Aaron Crow into the rotation.  The good news is you’re not the Royals and don’t have to put Aaron Crow in your fantasy rotation.  Yay, small miracles.

Chris Iannetta – Headed to the Angels.  I guess Scioscia felt like he needed to upgrade Jeff Mathis’s backup.  I’m only half joking.  The Angels are supposed to non-tender Mathis, but I wouldn’t put anything past the Sciosciapath.  Also, Hank Conger’s in the wings, i.e., Iannetta won’t get 350 ABs.  Though he never has.

Ramon Hernandez – Going to the Rockies to replace the recently damned Iannetta.  Hernandez will do exactly what he’s done for the last five years.  For those who need a sneaky, solid catcher in 2 catcher leagues, you can do worse.  (Better too, but let’s not quibble.)

Clint Barmes – Signed with the Pirates.  I have nothing to say about this, except Barmes’s deal for $10.5 million was the Pirates first contract for over $10 million since Steve Buechele’s in the 1991-1992 offseason.  The Pirates are committed to winning now!  Black and yellow!

David DeJesus – Will bring his special brand of pretty unexciting baseball from a fantasy perspective to the Chicago Cubs.  He’ll play right field, unless the Cubs can move Alfonso Soriano for five cents on the dollar.  In related news, Alfonso Soriano wants to know who listed him on eBay.  The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.

Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand.  Hello, bullpen?  Is there anybody in there?  Just nod if you can hear me.  Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks.  AHHHHH!  Now you feel a little sick.  Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves.  That’ll keep you going through the show.  Come on, it’s time to go.  But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves.  Unless you have become comfortably numb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A.  During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero.  There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year.  Great, wonderful, fantastic!  Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and he was hideous in April this year.  And that’s me copying, pasting, liberally quoting and adding addendums to me!

Shin-Soo Choo – As I reported here on Monday after inferring shizz from other sites, Choo’s out until September, having surgery on his thumb.  I’d lose him in redraft leagues where you don’t have DL room.  What a waste of a draft pick.  Ah, Choo… Bless you.

Doug Davis – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  The Cubs should reduce their DD.  It’s just sloppy.

Starlin Castro – 1-for-9 for the doubleheader.  For when someone does terrible on both sides of a doubleheader, it sounds like we need an alternate glossary definition for a player dropping a deuce.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s totally charmed right now.  He actually gets hit in this game as he should be and the Giants score the most runs they have all year. (This wasn’t fact checked, but it’s probably accurate.)

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-6 with a home run.  They must have some great B-12 in Chicago.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About a month ago, we almost pulled the trigger on a trade of Heath Bell and Pence for Cliff Lee.  With Pence’s injury and Bell about to be traded, could see that being one that we Mr. Bungled.

Jonathan Broxton – Will be out for at least a month and a half.  Mattingly said he’d consider it a bonus if Broxton pitched again this year.  Doesn’t a bonus come on top of something good?  Where is Strunk & White to let them know it’s not correct grammar to say something like, “My best friend is sleeping with my wife, but I’d consider it a bonus if he used a condom.”

Javy Guerra – He’s the guy to own in the Dodgers bullpen. (For that one save opportunity every month or so.)

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Last time out, I said he was unstartable, but then I saw he was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and I decided to give it a whirl.  Now, Lilly and I are done.  Lose my number.  Wait, he gets the Mets next time out.  Why can’t I quit you?!

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with his third home run in the last 5 games.  Looks like Swisher is finally playing as hot as those sideburns make him look.  Wait, what?  Umm… Awkward… Umm… Yeah, I’d grab Swisher.  In fantasy!  Um, leagues.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  That’s nice, but he’s not long for a starting job.  Pasta Diving is up and running.

Vernon Wells – 4-for-5 and his 10th home run.  Told you last week to grab him, then again on Monday.  Don’t make me keep talking about Vernon Wells.  Please.

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th home run in the last 10 games while batting near .350 in the last week.  I wish I knew how to repay him other than sending him a giant cake that I’m gonna jump out of in my birthday suit.  And to think baseball players don’t like fantasy baseball nerds.  Pfft!

Zack Greinke – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Yankees for the Bronx cheer.

Josh Johnson – Headed to see his old friend Dr. Freeze because his shoulder’s not 100%.  Hundred percent called and said it’s never heard of Josh Johnson’s shoulder.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  A’la Nelson Muntz, “HA HA!”

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Now has three home runs in his last three games.  He won’t dazzle your retinas for long periods of time, but he does look like he’s hot.  Get on board!

Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  His K-rate is under 5… C’mon.  Seriously.  That’s ridiculous.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Now has two homers in the last four games and a hit in each of his last five.  It ain’t Rasmus burning on the dance floor, but it’s a start.  Geiger, let’s go!

Jose Reyes – 4-for-4 and his 29th steal, hitting .349 on the year.  Haven’t talked much about Reyes this year because every time I look at him I think about how I wished I owned him on every team and it annoys me.

Jason Bay – Him and Beltran hit grand slams in consecutive innings.  Only took three years but the Mets team is really starting to come together.  Too bad they’re about to dismantle them.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with a pinch hit home run.  All Wily Mo does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.

J.J. Putz – Gave up a run on Monday and two runs on Tuesday to blow the save.  His ERA is up to 3.12 after starting the month at 1.57.  Putz’s blown (hehe) four games this month.  I’d grab David Hernandez where you’re desperate for saves.

Chase D’Arnaud – 0-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now started three games in a row at 3rd base for the Pirates. In the minors, he stole 33 of 40 last year and 17 of 20 this year.  He can’t do much but steal, but maybe he’ll try and prove his worth and, ya know, steal.  In deeper leagues, I could see taking the SAGNOF flyer.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 10th win.  Of course he has ten wins.  Why wouldn’t he?!  It’s Kevin Correia on the Pittsburgh Pirates!  I hate wins.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first home run.  Will see significant time with Tabata to the DL for at least three weeks.  Yes, you should pick up Presley.  Now if only Fleer still did those novelty cards like Black & Blue with Bud Black and Vida Blue, so we could have an Elvis (Andrus) & (Alex) Presley card.  Or Fister-Moore.

Johnny Damon – Went 4-for-6 on Sunday and 2-for-4 with a home run yesterday.  Hard for me to give you much enthusiasm for him, so let’s just say he’s seeing the ball well and move on.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He wasn’t quite vintage Hommy, but it’s good to have him back.  (Even though I don’t own him…Why again didn’t I draft him?  Dah!)

Ichiro Suzuki – Hit his first home run of the year as he bats almost fifty points below his career average.  Wow, he got old fast.  He might be 52 years old.  See, I have this theory that all Asians look young up until 51 years old, then when they turn 52, they look ancient.  It’s the Law of Pat Morita.  Morita was young looking on Happy Days and under the age of 52.  Then Morita turned 52 years old, was in The Karate Kid and looked ancient.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 9 Ks.  The Gio Grande is obviously no place for Marlins.

Rich Harden – Will be activated on Friday (and DL’d on Saturday).  I wouldn’t bother with him.  He hasn’t pitched more than 4 2/3 IP in any game so far in his rehab, which is hilarious to me.  “Just keep him healthy long enough for me to trade him.”  That’s Brad Pitt playing the part of Billy Beane.  Making room for Harden, Graham Godfrey is moving to the bullpen to the dismay of all the pitchers out there who can’t stand his loud, piercing voice and his penchant for roasting other pitchers.  “People think Brian Fuentes is a bad guy because he bad-mouthed Bob Geren.  They are incorrect.  He’s a bad man because he KILLED A MEXICAN IN A COLORADO SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  WITH HIS OWN HANDS.  HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE MEAT GRINDER.  YOU EXPECT THAT FROM A KRAUT LIKE MICHAEL WUERTZ.  BUT IT WAS FUENTES.  AGAINST ONE OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!”  That’s Graham Godfrey.

I contemplated picking up Lonnie Chisenhall for about as long as it takes me to eat a pupusa from my neighborhood El Salvadorean lady that has different hairnets to match her camisas.  About 12.7 seconds.  I’ll risk indigestión for those cheesy-pork flapjacks of wonderful.  At the waiver wire, I was like, “So many rookies have come up — rookies with great pedigrees — and they’ve been pretty yawnstipating– Screw it, he has 3rd base eligibility.”  In Arizona this spring, Rudy and I took in an Indians game and saw Chisenhall firsthand.  He impressed us with his hitting — seemed like a bona fide mollywhopper — and was one of those guys we felt would make an impact in 2011.  This year in Triple-A, he has 7 homers in 64 games and 17 homers in 117 games last year in Double-A.  He may not hit for much average, and could be off some of my mixed teams in a few weeks because his power doesn’t immediately appear, but I’ll risk indigestión for some rookie nookie upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mat Gamel – The Brewers recalled him.  According to Rudy’s Point Shares, Gamel is a league replacement value 3rd baseman in a 12-team NL-Only league at 26/7/30/2/.256.  The camera pans to Gamel for his reaction and he’s fumbling his drink.  What a klutz.  McGehee doesn’t have the corner locked down quite like Marlo Stanfield, but Gamel will probably only be up for a week during interleague.  If Gamel hits like a beast as he’s done in Triple-A this year — 17 homers in 75 games — he could stick around.  Or if the Brewers move back to the AL, which seems less likely.  He’s worth an immediate pickup in all deeper leagues for a shot of adrenaline to your fantasy baseball heart.

Zach Braddock – Back up too.  Hopefully the Brewers will stop hitting the snooze button on his season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 6 ER.  You can blame the wind blowing out if you want, but I blame me for jhinxing us.  Sorry, feel free to replace my name with your favorite curse word.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th home runs.  He’s actually not far off his 1st half last year, but his 2nd half was predicated on everything breaking right, so I still think he falls somewhat below his huge year in 2010.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Sticking with the newly-established Carlos theme, Pena is now up to 16 homers.  Can set your watch to his 32-35 homer, low average season, assuming you have a watch that keeps fantasy baseball time.  Dork!

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  His stats:  29/8/37/.289.  Ryan Zimmerman’s stats:  11/3/11/.244.  What’s that?  There’s been like 3 good players in the first two rounds of fantasy drafts this year?  Yeah, I know.  Pardon me while I go pour some McDonald’s coffee on my lap.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now that’s not that sour, Kraut, as he struckout his season high last night vs. the Blue Kays.

Jonny Gomes – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Since I told you late last week he gets crazy hot for no apparent reason, he’s hit two homers in the last four games.  Wigginton may be the mayor of Hot Schmotatown, but Gomes is a newly-elected sheriff.  Or seriff.

Brandon Phillips – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  Hitting .299 on the year, but his power (6 homers) and speed (4 steals in 7 attempts) have been pretty pedestrian so far this year.  He probably just needs a wake up call from me, which usually involves me singing Kelis’ Milkshake at 7 in the morning.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m not a huge Leake fan.  Tends to give up around 3 to 4 runs per game without the Ks.  Than, but no thans.

Chris Perez – Hey, look a Putz in a Perez sandwich.  Better than seeing a Putz in Perez Hilton.  Oofa!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Orlando Cabrera also went deep.  It’s a Cabrerathon!

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s been good but far from exceptional.  Still don’t trust Latos to be exceptional this year, which hurts me to say because I do enjoy hodgepadres.  I’ll be back in next year as I practice my Saberhagenmetrics.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4 and his 15th home run.  Did someone send him the message that I called him a sell last week?  Or do I need to write it in dots and dashes?

Adam Kennedy – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Not to rag on a guy that just homered, but the Mariners hit Adam Kennedy third as the DH in interleague.  It’s like the M’s are the NL team.

Brian McCann – 3-for-4 with his 14th home run as he bats .307.  It took three years of me ranking McCann first for catchers for it to finally make sense.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have nothing to say other than I’ve been telling you to own him since March.

Jonny Venters – He actually did not pitch yesterday.  Crazy!

Jordan Walden – Thoreau’s favorite closer registered his 6th blown save via a 2-out HR to Danny Espinosa.  Can anyone find a reliable closer in all of the greater Los Angeles area besides Kyra Sedgwick?

Scott Downs – I’d grab Downs, in the non-perverse way, if I were speculating on Walden being removed from the closer job.  I don’t think it happens, or for long if it does.  Though Walden has blown three straight saves, so there’s that.

Jonathan Broxton – Headed for an MRI.  Looks like I altered my Toni Braxton, “Braxton Rules” t-shirt for nothing.  BTW, the MRI is being administered by Dr. Neal ElAttrache.  Not sure why, but the doctor’s name made me giggle.  “Say aaahhh…And look deep into my dark-as-midnight eyes while I put my hair into a ponytail.  I am Dr. Neal ElAttrache.  I will now check your tonsils with my tongue.”

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing wrong with Billingsley a little hideous Twins offense can’t fix.  Do not resuscitate the Comatose Twins Fan.

Tony Gwynn – 4-for-6 with 2 steals.  On Sunday, he went 3-for-5 and I was going to mention him in the roundup to tell you to grab him if you need steals.  Damn!  He would’ve been a nice play on a short schedule day.  Damn!  Damn!  Only other thing that can generate that kind of electricity is a bolt of lightning.  A bolt of lightning!

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 with his 22nd home run.  In honor of Kemp’s year, I’d like to sing a little song, “As long as there’s the two of us… We’ve got the world and all its charms…And when the world is through with us…We’ve got each other’s arms…”  I love you, Matt Kemp.

Trent Oeltjen – 4-for-4 with a home run.  He has some mild pop and speed and might see time for the next week while the Dodgers play in AL parks.  And, to impress your friends, Oeltjen is pronounced like Meltjen.  (But if you have friends impressed by that, you might want to reconsider your friends.)

Dodgers – Filing for bankruptcy protection.  I never understood why they were called the Dodgers.  What were they dodging?  Now I know…the bills!

The horrid season for Shin-Soo Choo continues.  He’s probably wishing he just went the Bob Feller-Inglorious Basterd route and did his required military time this year in his home country.  Kevin Correia said, “We could’ve used him.”  Now when Choo gets blotto he can’t even hitchhike home from one side of the road.  An optimistic timetable has him out for 6 weeks, but it sounds like Choo doesn’t think he can.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September and, even then, what are you going to get?  The same you’d get off waivers.  If you don’t have DL room, I’d cut him, Mickey.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Tabata – Left the game on a cart with a quad injury after running out a bunt single.  Paula Deen would call that a bunt ache.  Or, as Cameron Frye would say, Tabata Tabata Tabata, stuh-rain, Tabata Tabata.  The Pirates immediately pulled Alex Presley from their Triple-A lineup.  It’s time for the really big shew with today’s guest, Alex Presley.  Girls in poodle skirts go crazy.  I just went over Presley the other day.  I said, “He sticks…longer…profiles…”  Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull.  He’s a 12/20 guy over the course of a season.  In one league instead of Presley, I grabbed Xavier Paul, though Garrett Jones was who the Pirates called on yesterday to replace Tabata.  He would be my first choice too in some fantasy leagues.

Pedro Alvarez – Another setback as he has the worst sophomore effort since The Strokes’ follow-up to Is This It.

Ryan Madson – Having problems gripping the baseball on certain pitches and is sidelined for a few days.  On one hand, he’s had this problem since May 20th so hopefully he can pitch through it.  On the other hand, this sounds bad for a pitcher.  On the third hand that is really just a foot wearing aqua socks, I’d grab Antonio Bastardo and Michael Stutes, in that order, for vulture saves.

Justin Morneau – Out for another 6 weeks with neck surgery.  Lessneau is better than Morneau at this point.

Delmon Young – On the DL with a high ankle sprain.  After having a breakout season in 2010 (.298/21/112), he went on medication to prevent future breakouts (.256/2/21 in 200+ ABs).  The Twins are bringing up Rene Tosoni to try and replace Young’s 0.2 WAR.  Minnesota hasn’t had this high profile of replacement-level performance since Paul Westerberg left town.

Elvis Andrus – Out with a wrist sprain, but says he should be good to go as soon as Tuesday.  Viva la Elvis!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  As Leyland would say, “He’s as cool as menthol cigarettes.”

Alex Avila – Now hitting .303 and is on place for near 20/100.  While the AVG is inflated (.365 BABIP), it’s clear that AA is benefitting from all the time Miguel Cabrera is spending with him.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 home runs on Sunday and one on Saturday staying the mayor of Hot Schmotatown.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4 with the rare catcher slam & legs as he hit ninth behind Blackmon, who’s sunk like a rock, man.

Jay Bruce – Missed yesterday’s game with an illness.  Dusty said, “We have to find a way to quarantine him so he doesn’t get everybody sick.”  I have a better idea, put him with Ramon Hernandez so you have to call up Devin Mesoraco.

Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 5 ER as the Orioles sang, “(Won’t You Go Home At Will On) Homer Bailey.”

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick him up.  Yeah, even you ducking behind your desk trying to hide while you pick your nose.

Johnny Venters – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Venters gives up 4 earned runs in Petco.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  On Saturday, he hit a home run.  He’s now batting near .325 for the month of June with only two home runs.  He’s become pretty yawnstipating during his prime years, but he is currently hitting and can keep the average up.

Jon Niese – Left Saturday’s game with a rapid heartbeat, but was fine on Sunday after taking it Niese and easy.

John Danks – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Figure he’s out for 3-4 weeks.  Just as he was on the road back from an 0-8 record to 3-8.  Next stop 33% winning percentage!  Oh well, Danks for the memories.

Vernon Wells – Homers in back-to-back games.  It pains me to be an apologist for Vernon Wells, but, if you throw out his April, he has 8 homers in his last 92 ABs.  That’s 30 homers over a season.  Now to undercut it — he’s really not doing much else.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3 with a HR and now has hit 3 HRs in his last 10 games.  Finally hitting the baseball like he hits a spliff.

Jonathan Broxton – Scratched from his Triple-A game because of a stiff elbow.  Or a little firmer than al dente.  The Dodgers get saves about as often as I update my hairstyle, so this might be moot, but I’d hold Guerra.

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL with an injury the Giants made up so they didn’t have to watch him walk hitters anymore.  Was a bad weekend to be a pitcher with any variation of the name of Jonathan, though okay for Joe Nathan.

Al Alburquerque – Got his 5th win and now has 46 Ks in 27 2/3 IP.  I hate middle relievers.  There’s no rhyme or reason.  I’d put $20 down that Al Al’etc won’t even be a top 30 middle reliever next year.  These guys are the fantasy baseball equivalent to Icarus.

Luke Scott – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Usually I don my Easter bonnet and start doing The Funky Chicken when Scott hits a home run because where there’s one there’s usually multiple.  But I think he’s really struggling with his shoulder this year.

Jimmy Rollins – 4-for-4 and he stole one base wearing Ryan Howard’s jersey.

Roy Halladay – Complete game victory in Philly against the A’s.  Connie Mack is rolling over in his grave!

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  In three short months, I’ve learned to hate Narveson.  I like him, he gets beat bad, I decide to move on from him and he pitches well.  Grr… Chris Narveson really is the Christian name for The Noid!

Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with a home run and steal.  Gotta love a guy that only gets one hit and fills his fantasy line so well.  Love you, Braun.  Write soon!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – 2-for-4 with his first multi-hit game since his return from the DL.  Would love to see him steal a base, more so I can see if he can.

Jhonny Peralta – Now has 11 homers since June 7th.  Silent H, which only sounds like a euphemism for herpes, has been better than lots of other shortstops.  Hanley, for one.

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 14th home run.  Officially having a better season than Jayson Werth.  Cust kayin’.

Joakim Soria – Has recorded six straight saves and hasn’t given up a run in June.  Has also only walked two hitters all month while striking out 12.  Guess he just needed a pat on the back to get through his May hiccups.

Ricky Romero – A 4-hit shutout against the Cardinals as he plowed right through their Pujols-less lineup.  His 2.74 ERA should be closer to 3.50 but is deflated thanks to a high strand rate (80+%) but his K-rate and BB rates have continually improved over his 2 1/2 seasons.  I just ask that he sticks with Ricky like ‘The Dragon’ did versus start insisting on being called Rick like Mssrs. Nelson and Schroeder.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  Back-to-back games with homers.  Has 2 more home runs than Longoria and 19 more steals.  But everyone hates Upton… Sorry, everyone hates low averages.  Stop dispaveraging!

Evan Longoria – In 6 at-bats, 5 RBIs, 4 hits, 3 runs, 2 home runs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Matt Downs – 2nd pinch hit home run in the last week.  Has a .280 average and .388 OBP.  Nice that the Astros are giving long looks to Clint Barmes and Jeff Keppinger.  Never know what they might give you.  Some days it’s 1-for-4 with a caught stealing and some days it’s 0-for-3 with a sac bunt.  The sky’s the limit!  If I were Ed Wade’s Toupee, I’d trade give away Barmes, Keppinger and Carlos Lee at the trade deadline.

Mark Melancon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  I’d say trouble for his closer’s job, but his setup man, Wilton Lopez dispensed 4 runs in 2 1/3 IP yesterday.

Roy Oswalt – To the DL until August with back pain.  Oswalt was excited about the suggested treatment until he learned that traction has nothing to do with John Deere-branded equipment.

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.