Fantasy Baseball Advice

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

The horrid season for Shin-Soo Choo continues.  He’s probably wishing he just went the Bob Feller-Inglorious Basterd route and did his required military time this year in his home country.  Kevin Correia said, “We could’ve used him.”  Now when Choo gets blotto he can’t even hitchhike home from one side of the road.  An optimistic timetable has him out for 6 weeks, but it sounds like Choo doesn’t think he can.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September and, even then, what are you going to get?  The same you’d get off waivers.  If you don’t have DL room, I’d cut him, Mickey.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Tabata – Left the game on a cart with a quad injury after running out a bunt single.  Paula Deen would call that a bunt ache.  Or, as Cameron Frye would say, Tabata Tabata Tabata, stuh-rain, Tabata Tabata.  The Pirates immediately pulled Alex Presley from their Triple-A lineup.  It’s time for the really big shew with today’s guest, Alex Presley.  Girls in poodle skirts go crazy.  I just went over Presley the other day.  I said, “He sticks…longer…profiles…”  Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull.  He’s a 12/20 guy over the course of a season.  In one league instead of Presley, I grabbed Xavier Paul, though Garrett Jones was who the Pirates called on yesterday to replace Tabata.  He would be my first choice too in some fantasy leagues.

Pedro Alvarez – Another setback as he has the worst sophomore effort since The Strokes’ follow-up to Is This It.

Ryan Madson – Having problems gripping the baseball on certain pitches and is sidelined for a few days.  On one hand, he’s had this problem since May 20th so hopefully he can pitch through it.  On the other hand, this sounds bad for a pitcher.  On the third hand that is really just a foot wearing aqua socks, I’d grab Antonio Bastardo and Michael Stutes, in that order, for vulture saves.

Justin Morneau – Out for another 6 weeks with neck surgery.  Lessneau is better than Morneau at this point.

Delmon Young – On the DL with a high ankle sprain.  After having a breakout season in 2010 (.298/21/112), he went on medication to prevent future breakouts (.256/2/21 in 200+ ABs).  The Twins are bringing up Rene Tosoni to try and replace Young’s 0.2 WAR.  Minnesota hasn’t had this high profile of replacement-level performance since Paul Westerberg left town.

Elvis Andrus – Out with a wrist sprain, but says he should be good to go as soon as Tuesday.  Viva la Elvis!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  As Leyland would say, “He’s as cool as menthol cigarettes.”

Alex Avila – Now hitting .303 and is on place for near 20/100.  While the AVG is inflated (.365 BABIP), it’s clear that AA is benefitting from all the time Miguel Cabrera is spending with him.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 home runs on Sunday and one on Saturday staying the mayor of Hot Schmotatown.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4 with the rare catcher slam & legs as he hit ninth behind Blackmon, who’s sunk like a rock, man.

Jay Bruce – Missed yesterday’s game with an illness.  Dusty said, “We have to find a way to quarantine him so he doesn’t get everybody sick.”  I have a better idea, put him with Ramon Hernandez so you have to call up Devin Mesoraco.

Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 5 ER as the Orioles sang, “(Won’t You Go Home At Will On) Homer Bailey.”

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick him up.  Yeah, even you ducking behind your desk trying to hide while you pick your nose.

Johnny Venters – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Venters gives up 4 earned runs in Petco.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  On Saturday, he hit a home run.  He’s now batting near .325 for the month of June with only two home runs.  He’s become pretty yawnstipating during his prime years, but he is currently hitting and can keep the average up.

Jon Niese – Left Saturday’s game with a rapid heartbeat, but was fine on Sunday after taking it Niese and easy.

John Danks – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Figure he’s out for 3-4 weeks.  Just as he was on the road back from an 0-8 record to 3-8.  Next stop 33% winning percentage!  Oh well, Danks for the memories.

Vernon Wells – Homers in back-to-back games.  It pains me to be an apologist for Vernon Wells, but, if you throw out his April, he has 8 homers in his last 92 ABs.  That’s 30 homers over a season.  Now to undercut it — he’s really not doing much else.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3 with a HR and now has hit 3 HRs in his last 10 games.  Finally hitting the baseball like he hits a spliff.

Jonathan Broxton – Scratched from his Triple-A game because of a stiff elbow.  Or a little firmer than al dente.  The Dodgers get saves about as often as I update my hairstyle, so this might be moot, but I’d hold Guerra.

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL with an injury the Giants made up so they didn’t have to watch him walk hitters anymore.  Was a bad weekend to be a pitcher with any variation of the name of Jonathan, though okay for Joe Nathan.

Al Alburquerque – Got his 5th win and now has 46 Ks in 27 2/3 IP.  I hate middle relievers.  There’s no rhyme or reason.  I’d put $20 down that Al Al’etc won’t even be a top 30 middle reliever next year.  These guys are the fantasy baseball equivalent to Icarus.

Luke Scott – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Usually I don my Easter bonnet and start doing The Funky Chicken when Scott hits a home run because where there’s one there’s usually multiple.  But I think he’s really struggling with his shoulder this year.

Jimmy Rollins – 4-for-4 and he stole one base wearing Ryan Howard’s jersey.

Roy Halladay – Complete game victory in Philly against the A’s.  Connie Mack is rolling over in his grave!

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  In three short months, I’ve learned to hate Narveson.  I like him, he gets beat bad, I decide to move on from him and he pitches well.  Grr… Chris Narveson really is the Christian name for The Noid!

Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with a home run and steal.  Gotta love a guy that only gets one hit and fills his fantasy line so well.  Love you, Braun.  Write soon!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – 2-for-4 with his first multi-hit game since his return from the DL.  Would love to see him steal a base, more so I can see if he can.

Jhonny Peralta – Now has 11 homers since June 7th.  Silent H, which only sounds like a euphemism for herpes, has been better than lots of other shortstops.  Hanley, for one.

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 14th home run.  Officially having a better season than Jayson Werth.  Cust kayin’.

Joakim Soria – Has recorded six straight saves and hasn’t given up a run in June.  Has also only walked two hitters all month while striking out 12.  Guess he just needed a pat on the back to get through his May hiccups.

Ricky Romero – A 4-hit shutout against the Cardinals as he plowed right through their Pujols-less lineup.  His 2.74 ERA should be closer to 3.50 but is deflated thanks to a high strand rate (80+%) but his K-rate and BB rates have continually improved over his 2 1/2 seasons.  I just ask that he sticks with Ricky like ‘The Dragon’ did versus start insisting on being called Rick like Mssrs. Nelson and Schroeder.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  Back-to-back games with homers.  Has 2 more home runs than Longoria and 19 more steals.  But everyone hates Upton… Sorry, everyone hates low averages.  Stop dispaveraging!

Evan Longoria – In 6 at-bats, 5 RBIs, 4 hits, 3 runs, 2 home runs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Matt Downs – 2nd pinch hit home run in the last week.  Has a .280 average and .388 OBP.  Nice that the Astros are giving long looks to Clint Barmes and Jeff Keppinger.  Never know what they might give you.  Some days it’s 1-for-4 with a caught stealing and some days it’s 0-for-3 with a sac bunt.  The sky’s the limit!  If I were Ed Wade’s Toupee, I’d trade give away Barmes, Keppinger and Carlos Lee at the trade deadline.

Mark Melancon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  I’d say trouble for his closer’s job, but his setup man, Wilton Lopez dispensed 4 runs in 2 1/3 IP yesterday.

Roy Oswalt – To the DL until August with back pain.  Oswalt was excited about the suggested treatment until he learned that traction has nothing to do with John Deere-branded equipment.

Tampa is no South Beach.  His Wade-in-crime (Davis) isn’t quite as stellar.  But James Shields is looking a lot more Kingly than LeBron these days.  Facing the red-hot Red Sox (9 straight wins @ 9+ runs scored per game), Shields threw a 5-hit, 3-walk shutout.  That’s Shields’ 6th win with a 2.60 ERA, a 1.05 WHIP, and 98 Ks in 103.2 IP.  His ERA is almost half of last year’s 5.18 debacle.  Sure, he’s playing slightly above the talents he brought to Tampa (.269 BABIP, 82% strand rate) but his peripherals (K/BB) are as solid as anyone in the AL (including Verlander).  Hold him if you got ‘em.  Be confident to trade for him if you don’t.  Just watch out when he starts against the Tigers – that Dirks is clutch.

Elsewhere in fantasy baseballdom….

Justin Verlander - A 12 K, 2 hit shutout with the Indians’ first hit coming with one out in the 8th inning.  Clearly, Verlander was pissed that Francisco Liriano flirted with a 2nd 2011 no-hitter the other night.  He is Verlander, there can only be one.

Aaron Hill – 3 for 5 with a double and his 2nd HR of the year.  Not what I was expecting when I paid $18 for him in my AL-league.  Seems like an off year for a number of HR + high-K guys (Dunn, Reynolds, Hill, Uggla).  Reminds me of the mid-1980′s when suddenly all the coked up, slap-hitting SB guys all fell to the floor – or should I say LeFlore!

Cole Hamels - Another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners) but left with a sore back.  Musta picked it up from ol’ balky-back Roy Oswalt.  Next thing you know, Hamels will be riding to games in a John Deere or strapping a V8 onto Cliff Lee and painting a Confederate flag on both his sides.

Domonic Brown - Two solo HRs for Domonic that both were no-doubters.  I’m starting to give him the googly eyes I usually reserve for Mike Stanton.  Homers just seem easier to hit when you’re 6’5″.  Well, except when you’re Michael Jordan.  (last basketball reference, i promise)

Jered Weaver – A 5-hit shutout just like Shields’ except it was against the Mariners vs. the Red Sox.  His other two shutouts this year were against Minnesota and Oakland.  Next time an ace throws a gem against a crappy offense, we should just write “He went to Jered’s!”.

Yovani Gallardo - Gallardo rebounded from an off start against the Mets (10 hits in 4 IP) with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 K performance against the Cubs.  He got the no decision as the Brewers bullpen blew the lead.  Congrats to everyone in Quality Starts leagues!

Josh Johnson - Now officially out through the All-Star break.  Even worse for the Marlins, Javier Vazquez is still healthy.

Chase Utley - 2nd HR in 3 games and 3rd straight multi-hit game.  He’s also got 3 SBs so far.  That’s how you play hurt, Heyward!

Ryan Zimmerman – Returned from the DL after a 2-month break with an abdomen injury.  Now if only the Nats had 5-7 more Zimmerman(n)s, I think they could make a run at a 90 win season.  If only 1912 near-Triple Crown winner Heinie Zimmerman was 105 years younger and alive.

Pablo  Sandoval - Returned from the DL as well.  Guess it was a good day for DL’d 3Bs not named Pedro Alvarez.

Lance Berkman - Another day, another HR for Berkman.  He leads Pujols in all the Triple Crown categories.  Feel free to gloat if you have Berkman or puke if you have Pujols.

Yuniesky Maya - 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  This Cuban got smoked.

Jaime Garcia – A solid start (6 ER, 7 Ks, 2 ERs) but the bullpen blew the win.  The thing with Garcia is that you either catch him early for an 11-run outburst or he gets into a rhythm.

Roger Bernadina – Rick Ankiel has the health yips again (came out in 2nd inning) which can only help Bernadina’s playing time.  With 9 SBs in 122 ABs, he’s a worthwhile catch off SAGNOF Harbor.

Philip Hughes – Had a successful side session throwing in the low 90′s.  If he’s available in your league and you’ve got DL space, I’d give him a flier.  Probably not back until early July but he’s got solid starter potential if he can pitch at that speed.  He’s got Cy Young potential if they’d inject some Colon fat into this arm.

Alexi Ogando - Alexi had his owners (who started him) saying ‘Oh God no’ with 6 ER in 1 2/3 IP at Yankee Stadium.  And that’s why you bench almost every pitcher @NYY outside of H2H leagues and AL-only.

Charles Blackmon - Another SB.  He’s making Dexter’s baserunning look fouler by the minute.

Trevor Cahill - 4 ER in 4 1/3 IP isn’t pretty but here’s the ugly stat.  0 Ks and 7 BBs.  Against the Royals.  And two of those walks were to Francouer.  Ain’t that a kick in the Cahill!  Brett Anderson threw up a clunker like this and he turned out to be hurt.  Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case here too.  Damn you Moneyball movie.  You’re a worse curse than the Madden cover.

Jon Niese - Had his 4th straight quality start albeit over a 16 game stretch for the Mets because he needs time to rest.  His ERA is 2.76 in home games and 4.22 in away games which makes sense but….his WHIP is lower on the road (1.20) than home (1.44).  That doesn’t make sense but…..I’m still going to call him an East Coast Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and favorable away games.

Freddie Freeman – Scratched with a mild oblique strain.  I didn’t realize that oblique strains make one itchy.

Adam LaRoche – Out for the season with a torn labrum.  He tried to play through it until a clubhouse attendant pointed out that the labrum is in the shoulder.  You mean all those weeks of icing my LaNutsack after games was for nothing!

 

I’ve given much love to Desmond Jennings already on this blog, and since what I’ve previously wrote still works, indulge me for a second, “Desmond’s time is nigh, a word that only sounds negative.  DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s ranked number one for me.  Numero uno.  The Big Mahoff.  Dora the Explorer, Boots the Monkey and Swiper the Fox all wrapped in one!  (What, not street enough?)  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s me quoting me!  In 2010, he swiped 37 bags with a .362 OBP in Triple-A.  In only 57 games in Triple-A this year, 9 homers and 10 steals.  Somebody gag Sam Fuld, put a gorilla suit on him and send him to Africa.  We want Jennings.  *fast-herpes-medication-side-effect-voice*  Fuld should be benched any day now for Jennings’ call-up.  Or in the next week or so.  It’s worth the flyer for upside.  If conditions persist for longer than 48 hours, call your doctor.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dee Gordon – Gordon is so fast he just ran into Kitchen Stadium, spit on Michael Symon’s head, buffed it and ran out without Alton even noticing.  I see no reason why you shouldn’t own Gordon everywhere for a few weeks to see if he not only sticks but steals some bases.  For more on my Dee Gordon fantasy, see that link.  I wrote it while picking out all the strawberry Dippin’ Dots from the Banana Split mix.

Jemile Weeks – I’m less excited about Jemile because his power and speed aren’t of the game-changing variety.  Could he get hot and be a worthwhile pickup in all leagues?  Do I call 16-year-old girls that are dressed too old for their age prostitots?  Yes and yes.

Cord Phelps – Um…Well…He has patience.  Great, go back to school and become a kindergarten teacher.  He’s all right in AL-Only leagues where anyone with a starting job is worth owning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s better than Cord Phelps, who is one of those guys you have to say both his names for it to sound right, but Sizemore’s playing time is a bit iffier.

Anthony Rizzo – I just went over my Anthony Rizzo fantasy.  I wrote that while riding an ostrich through downtown Detroit.

Mike Carp – He was hitting the dickens out the ball in the PCL, but since that’s so hitter friendly I wouldn’t have great expectations.

Mike Moustakas – I just went over my Mike Moustakas fantasy.  Scroll down, it’ll burn calories and then you can have some extra dessert.

Chris Johnson – He’s pretty yawnstipating but he has been hitting better this month.  Do what you will with that information.  Keep in mind, you may have to hold a gun to my head in the comments to tell you to pick him up.  Or I guess you could just ask me if I like him or Chone Figgins.

Miguel Olivo – He’s hitting home runs.  Plural-ing there on purpose, because he doesn’t ever hit just one.  He’s like the Lay’s of catchers.

Charlie Blackmon – Dexter Fowler is sidelined due to sucking so the Rox called up Blackmon.  Blackmon is actually an exciting flyer if this wasn’t the Rockies who have 5 great upside flyers per position.  Hey, Rockies, take a cue from the Astros and get boring.  Thank you!

Lucas Duda – Supposed to be called up today.  Zip-a-dee-Duda, zip-a-dee-ay.  My, oh my, what a Duda day.  He has slightly-above average power and no speed.  Outside of very deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d wait to see what Duda brings to the Camptown Races.

Ben Revere – He feels like one of those short-term plays that actually stays in your fantasy lineup for much longer because he’s producing.  Wherever you’re struggling with a 5th outfielder, I’d give him a shot.

Nyjer Morgan – Here’s the situation, last year Chris Volstad hit Nyjer Morgan with a pitch, Nyjer Morgan charged the mound and got mollywhopped.  Cut to last week, Nyjer comes up to face Volstad and takes him deep.  The face on Nyjer as he trotted around the bases sorta made him my new favorite player ever in everdom.  Then I dug into what other shenanigans he’s been up to and I found a video that sums him up in a big ball of crazy.  He gets the walk-off hit and had no idea, he thought his team was winning.  Yes, he thought his team was winning even though they were the home team and it was the ninth inning.  I love you, Nyjer.  Don’t ever change, or get arrested for whatever drugs you’re on.  Oh, as for fantasy, he’s on the strong side of a platoon and can steal.

Jason Bourgeois – If you can swap him in and out of your lineup, you may get 30+ steals from a part-time player.  Cust kayin’.

Xavier Paul – He could be 12-team mixed league worthy if he had a starting job.  Unfortunately, he’s not the fortunate one.  In NL-Only daily leagues, I’d grab him, but you gotta be ready to put your keys in the fish bowl and swap.

Rubby de la Rosa – There’s something so rhythmic about the last name de la Rosa that you can put any name in front and it sounds cool.  “Hola, compadres, Grey de la Rosa aqui, let’s talk fantasy!”  See?  The great thing about Rubby is he can strike out hitters.  Though he does walk people, that’s the rub(by).

Edinson Volquez – “Striking out and walking people?  That’s my bag, baby!”  That’s Volquez reading the last blurb.

Dillon Gee – You know the Hodpadres get a lot of love here, but the guys toeing the rubber in Metco seem underappreciated.  I’m about to course correct.  Hope you ain’t too cool for the safe belt.

Jon Niese – His home ERA is 2.76.  Okay, course corrected.

Charlie Morton – I’ve been telling you to pick him up since April.  He has a 2.52 ERA.  It won’t stay that low, but, c’mon, you can still own him.

Javy Guerra – “Muahahahahahaha…”  That’s Mattingly laughing at you trying to figure out who his closer is.

Jon Rauch – Farrell said Rauch is the Blue Jays closer.  Then Farrell sang, “Tattoos make great necks…They’ll make great necks!”

SELL

Justin Morneau – Your best bet at this point is to pull off The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending).  The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) is when you take an underwhelming star and trade them for someone else’s headache.  Because, really, what else are you going to do with this schmohawk at this point?  If you can’t pull off a Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending), in most 12 team and under leagues, it’s time to cut bait.  He’s playing hurt and he looks like he should be shutdown.

Adam Dunn – I’ve ranked these four Sell candidates for The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) in order of least chance of a rebound to greatest.  I’m worried about Dunn more than Uggla because of the position eligibility and because of Ozzie.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see Ozzie sit Dunn vs. all lefties moving forward even if he starts hitting.  Not saying Dunn shouldn’t sit vs. them but it’ll hurt his counting stats either way.  Or Ethier way.  I do think Dunn can still get to 30 home runs, but the average and counting stats will probably be poor.

Dan Uggla – It’s as simple as the nose on your face (and the eye patch you wear just for looks).  If Uggla hits .220 and 25 home runs at 2nd base, it’s not good, but it would be worse at 1st base.  Am I trading a decent guy for him?  No, I’m not.  I would trade one of the two above schmohawks for him though.  And I’d trade Josh Tomlin for him.  And other players of that ilk.  And, yes, ilk is as douchey a word to write as it is to say.

Shin-Soo Choo – You know when they say a player just has to get out of his own way?  Yeah, I don’t know who they are, but they could’ve been talking about Choo.  Nothing wrong with Choo other than he’s in a shame spiral about his DUI and he’s about to commit seppuku.  He just needs a good talking to and maybe a marathon bukkake session and Choo will be back doing what he do.  I’d still sell him, I just wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon for a Segway tour of the South Bronx.

Last year, the only type of starts and luck that Charlie Morton had was bad.  Despite good stuff and pedestrian ratios (6.7 K/9, 2.9 BB/9), he put up some of the worst stats in recent history.  A 7.57 ERA in 79 innings during the year of the pitcher!  It was a 54 ERA+ (adjusted for park and era) which stands as the 5th worst ERA+ since 1945 for pitchers with 79+ IP.  It’s hard to say how much of his .353 BABIP was because he threw down the middle or back luck but let’s just say the latter.  It seemed like luck was balancing out in his first three starts this year as he went 2-0 despite throwing 6 Ks and 12 BBs in 22 innings.  But excluding an ugly win in Colorado (where just about every non-ace should be benched), his last three starts – including last nights 5-hit shutout – have shown significant progress.  In those 18 2/3 IP, he’s K’d 17 and walked 7.  So let your league mates focus on his ghastly K:BB for the season while you get him on the cheap.  I’d still bench him during bad match-ups but he looks primed to be a solid 5th/6th SP in shallow leagues.

Onto other fantasy baseball news….

Jake Peavy - A 3 hit shutout with 8 Ks against the Indians who’ve recently been scalping opposing pitchers.  To quote the great Larry King, “Sorry Mr. Westbrook but the best Jake pitching today is Jake Peavy”.

Bartolo Colon- How fitting.  Jake has his first great comeback start and the Fatman nearly matches him (8 innings, 0 ER, 3 hits).  Now they just need to thank their doctor who I think first starred in the Six Million Dollar Man.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-run HR for Alvy.  Maybe he’s finally figuring out how to get the lobster in the pot.  Reminds of this old joke about two elderly Pirate fans sitting on the Roberto Clemente Bridge.  One of them says, “Boy, the Pirates’ <fill in 3rd baseman> has been really terrible.”  The other says, “Yeah, I know, and too few at-bats.”

Jon Niese – 7 shutout innings with 7 Ks.  You made your Aunt and Uncle proud!

Matt Holliday and Lance Berkman - Yes, the Cardinals were victorious against the Astros and Bud Norris (with that last name, shouldn’t he be a Texas Ranger?) but both Holliday (quad) and Berkman (wrist) were out of the game by the 5th inning.  Much like the rest of our existences, they are ‘day-to-day’.  Bud Norris must’ve roundhouse kicked them with his mind.

Mark DeRosa – Left the game in the middle of an at-bat when he re-strained his wrist.  That hurts more than having your wrist restrained – depending on who’s doing it.  If it’s Mrs. DeRosa, I would not be check-swinging.  The official announcement is ‘day-to-day’ but I’d move the versatile DeRosa to ‘Left Out’ in all but NL-only leagues (where we unfortunately have him).

Kyle Lohse – Another strong (8 innings, 1 ER, 7 baserunners) yet not dominant (3 Ks) start.  He should change his last name to Wihn.  He’s now 5-2 with a crazy low BABIP (somewhere in the .215 range).  His ERA/WHIP might be due for regression but he’s still worth starting while he’s on this streak.

Craig Kimbrel – Okay, maybe it’s officially time to start worrying.  Tonight was blown save #4 and it was an ugly one – 2 ER & 4 hits  in 1/3 of an inning to spoil the Braves second straight extra inning victory.  This is after Jonny Venters threw two shutout innings in the 9th and 10th.  If it weren’t for the anti-lefty sentiment that fuels closer decisions and McCarthyism, Venters would be closer by now.  But my guess is Kimbrel won’t be a fugitive from the closer role as he’d been dominant his previous 4 outings (4 IP, 1 hit, 9 Ks).

Mark Reynolds – 0 for 5 with 2 Ks and a BB in the Orioles 15 inning loss to the Yanks.  He did manage his 2nd sB of the year but his average now stands at .184.  To those of you who said he couldn’t repeat last year’s .198 AVG, well, I guess you’re still technically correct.

Julio Teheran – 4 innings, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, and 1 strikeout.  This is after his first start where he threw 4 2/3 innings and managed 1 strikeout.  I know it sounds pervy but I’d trade in this 20 year-old phenom for a Minor.

Yovani Gallardo – A six inning win with 2 ER and 9 Ks.  That’s three straight wins for Yovani.  Have we finally seen the end of his evil telenovela twin – Oyvani Goneyardo?

Elliot Johnson - 2-3 with 3 RBIs as he started for the 3rd straight night.  Sam Fuld might be Mr. April but looks like someone is auditioning hard for Mr. May (TM to Dave Winfield).

Trevor Plouffe – 2 for 4 with 3 RBIs.  He’s shown some power in the minors (15 HRs in 445 AAA ABs last year) and a K-rate (22%) that screams .250-.260.  So, best case, he’s a J.J. Hardy in hi prime type.  Worst case, he’s 2011 J.J. Hardy.  Either way, I don’t think anyone minds seeing Gardenhire say “See ya” to Casilla when Nishioka comes back.

Neftali Feliz – A blown save after Hosmer took him deep to star the 9th.  Ron Washington was tempted to bring in Arthur Rhodes to face the lefty rookie but, when he approached him, Rhodes responded in a world-weary voice, “I’m getting too old for this s**t” and shared how he plans to spend his retirement.

Michael Dunn - Quick shoutout to the Mr. B‘s.  Dunn now has 25 Ks in 19 innings this year.  He can come in handy in daily leagues where you need K’s.

Clay Buchholz – Unlike Steve Howe and Dwight Gooden, Buchholz was able to go face-to-face against Coke and come out unharmed (7 shutout innings, no decision).  Buchholz is pitching well of late (he’d won four of his last 5).  More importantly, he’s been putting up some K’s (he’s now averaged 6 in his last 3 games).  His K/9 and BB/9 ratios were very average last year (6.2 and 3.5 respectively) and they’ve been about the same this year.  If he can keep K’ing guys like he has in the past 3 games, his value goes up significantly.

Danny Duffy - Making his first major league start, you can imagine the pressure Double-D must’ve felt to fit in with his Royal teammates.  4 innings and 10 baserunners (including 6 walks) later….son,  you’re going to fit in just fine.  Ignore for 10/12-team mixed leagues but I’d keep an eye on him for deeper leagues.

Scott Hairston – Is it me or does this guy have the face of an anthropomorphic frog?  No wonder why he’s an outfield while his father and brother are infielders – he’s a natural at shagging flies.