Fantasy Baseball Advice

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”

Replacing Phil Coke in the Tigers rotation is Charlie Furbush.  It’s about time that Leyland gave Furbush a mustache ride.  Furbush also sounds like a character description for someone in a Woodstock documentary.  Or a character name in a 70′s porn flick made by Leyland called, “The Marlboro Mandingo.”  That was co-starring Virginia Slim.  Furbush looked great in the minors, posting a solid K-rate while keeping his walks in line.  He is not a 2-something ERA pitcher as he’s shown so far this year.  He’s leaving 93% of men on base, that won’t continue.  He can give you around a 7 K-rate with a 3.75 to 4.00 ERA.  I’d grab Furbush in H2H mixed leagues for matchups and in AL-Only leagues.  In roto mixed leagues, you can grab him in certain circumstances, but caveat emptor for our Latin readers.  (BTW, To all the Googlers who searched for Furbush and weren’t looking for a fantasy baseball site — howdy!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Hamels – Hit on his hand by a comebacker, but x-rays came back negative.  Speaking of negatives that are positive, yesterday frequent commenter DHill Dragons pointed out the Phillies starting staff in June had a 1.96 ERA.  A Philly quartet hasn’t been this hot since Boys II Men.

Mark Ellis – The Rockies acquired him.  You know what the Rockies really needed?  Another utility infieder.  Can’t they save Melvin Mora from retirement while they’re at it?  Ellis is 34 and 4 years removed from a solid season.  I wouldn’t grab him in anything but NL-Only leagues, and there oekávání, which is me putting expectations in Czech.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, hitting .309 with 6 steals in 21 games since his call-up.  With Ellis taking his extraordinarily ordinary talents to Colorado, Weeks is the everyday 2nd baseman for the A’s, and has been leading off.  At this point, he’s worth a flyer in all mixed leagues if you’re struggling with your middle infidel.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Matthew Berry wrote a post yesterday about how he’d trade Lester for Beachy.  “I go big or I go home!”  That’s Berry.  I like Beachy.  March Grey told you to draft Beachy on all your teams, but, uh, has Berry been institutionalized?  His posts are too long for a 100 monkeys with a 100 typewriters to put them together, aren’t they?  “Mordecai the Monkey, type more fantasy baseball and less Shakespearean sonnets!  I’ve got deadlines!”  That’s Berry again.

Kevin Youkilis – X-rays came back negative on his ankle, even though he seems more like a cankle person.  For now he’s day-to-day.  Or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

Neil Walker – Sat out with back soreness.  Hurdle said, “I’m trying to be proactive with it.”  Does he have acne too?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  If someone grew bored of him in your league, I’d take a chance that he’s heating up.  If someone didn’t grow bored of him, I worry about the competitiveness of your league.

Carlos Zambrano – Left in the 2nd inning with back soreness.  Damnbacko!

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  That tied his career high in Ks, getting the one man who can get on a seesaw with him, Prince Fielder, three times.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners.  Two weeks ago, I pointed out he should be much better.  Since then, 20 2/3 IP and 3 earned runs, lowering his overall ERA by more than one full run.

Andy Dirks – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer in 34 games and stole his 3rd bag for the always coveted slam & legs.  I should’ve mentioned him yesterday when he hit a home run in his 2nd straight game, but everyone homered on Wednesday for the Tigers.  Now Dirks has three straight games with dongs (great, now more disappointed Googlers).  I don’t trust Leyland to sit Mags for Dirks indefinitely, so playing time appears to be an issue.

Brian Matusz – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER and optioned to the minors.  Or maybe that’s the minorsz.

Jason Kubel – Had a setback during his rehab.  Just think of this as a wake-up call that if you’re waiting for Kubel, you have bigger fish to fry.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-5 with his 10th home run and his 8th in June.  For s’s and g’s, let’s look at what I said on May 30th, “(Aramis) tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.”  Prescient isn’t just a word you can’t pronounce!

Geovany Soto – Hit his 8th home run yesterday.  Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I wrote it while jumping Double Dutch.

Pablo Sandoval – He needed thirteen innings but Kung Fu Panda got a slam & legs.  Guess it was more like a sous-vide slam & legs.

Lance Berkman – With his 19th and 20th home runs yesterday.  Fine, I pulled the plug on him a little too early with my sell at the beginning of May.  He did hit .262 in May and .210 in June, but the power doesn’t seem like it’s drying up.  Though I still wouldn’t go out and trade for him.

Jon Jay – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Has now hit in 6 of the last seven games with 2 homers.  It’s something.  Or it’something, if you’re in a rush.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Man, that is a spot-on impersonation of Brett Cecil from April.  What a gooftard!

Jeff Kartsens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He reminds me of a National League version of Jason Vargas.  It’s neither a compliment or an insult.

Justin Morneau – Underwent neck surgery and will be out until the end of August.  I will Morneau-more for this schmohawk.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Used to be when he was healthy he’d at least pitch well.  He’s at a 4.47 ERA and you’re holding onto him for his name value.  What, him being on your team is gonna get you a reservation at The French Laundry?  Look elsewhere.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-3 with his 7th home run.  He hit .354 last July and had a much better 2nd half of the season.  Okay, anyone could’ve had a better 2nd half than his 1st half, but still…

Adam Dunn – Ozzie batted him 3rd yesterday.  That’s like the Melrose Place All-Stars hitting Marcia Cross, sans wig, third.  BTW, Rudy and I had a fifteen minute conversation on IM yesterday about a Melrose Place All-Star lineup (25 episode minimum).  Bisset’s leading off — you always want her to get on base.  Courtney Thorne-Smith is hitting 2nd.  Solid, reliable and can get the runner over.  Locklear’s third, ’nuff said.  Alyssa Milano’s hitting cleanup — always gets you to third, sometimes home.  Brooke Langton is fifth as an unsung hero that could fall into a slump very easily.  Daphne Zuniga’s sixth because she had some better years elsewhere (Spaceballs).  Jamie Luner hitting seventh and catching…um…moving on.  In the eight hole, Kristin Davis — annoying, pesky hitter.  Finally, Kelly Rutherford can turn over the lineup.  Laura Leighton did not make the lineup because she’s freakin’ crazy and ruined all team chemistry and keyed my car.

Yesterday, Joakim Soria lost the closer job yesterday to Aaron Crow.  Yeah, and pigeons fly.  Wait, they do.  Wait II, The Return of Wait, maybe that makes sense.  Yeah, I think it does.  Thank you, left side of the brain for working with the right side.  Glad you’re talking again.  You guys rock!  The ax falling on The Mexicutioner was a long time coming.  He only had one save in May and had given up 7 runs in 9 1/3 IP.  He wasn’t much better in April.  In June, he could get the job back.  Your deity of choice knows that Aaron Crow isn’t really all that great but he is the guy for right now.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alfonso Soriano – With yesterday’s game with a strained quad.  He’ll probably go to the DL by the time you read this, assuming you dinnit stay up to read this at 12:26 AM PST when it was posted.  (BTW, Didn’t and I went our separate ways.  It’s now dinnit or bust.  Don’t, you’re on notice!)

Tony Campana – Yesterday, he had 4 steals (on only one hit!).  I’d like to introduce Campana to my right clickie finger that picks players off waivers.  In the minors, he showed bonkers speed. Or sponkers, if you enjoy portmanteaus.  Not just fast, but crazy.  One year, 48 steals in 131 games and 20 times caught stealing.  Tony Campana runs like he just sniffed a mountain of coke and killed some cockroaches.  With Byrd still recouping, Soriano likely headed to the DL and the Cubs needing a spark plug, I picked up Campana wherever I could.  He’s probably nothing but a short term SAGNOF’er, but member what Jason Bourgeois did a month ago?  Yeah, you do.  Now come here and let me pinch your cheeks!

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-6 and 2 homers yesterday.  Now has 4 homers and 6 steals while batting .190– Oh no, he doesn’t.  That’s what he had on May 13th when I told you to buy him.  He now has 9 homers, 8 steals and raised his average 52 points.

Justin Upton – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, his 10th home run and 10th steal.  I own him in a few leagues, so this is partially selfish of me, but I’d love for him to have his star mitzvah this year.  Say 35 homers, 20 steals and a .280 average while becoming a first round draft pick for next year.  That would be nice.  (BTW, I can neither confirm or deny this, but Vin Scully checked in on the Arizona game and said Justin Upton was 5-for-5 with a home run when Upton was 4-for-4 with no home run.  Then Upton hit a home run 15 minutes later.)

Juan Miranda – 0-for-4 while the Diamondbacks scored 15 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jose Reyes – Out for 3-7 days with the death of his grandmother.  As someone who was raised by their abuelita, I feel for Reyes, but, well, my fantasy team kinda needs him.  Oh, man, I’m a bad person.

Ike Davis – Still having pain in his ankle.  A Met having an injury setback?  That is uber crazy.  Yeah, I said uber.  Deal with it!

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Put eleven baserunners in six innings and only one earned run into Fangraphs Database and you get the error message, “Does not compute.”

Pablo Sandoval – Sounds like he’s about a week and a half away.  Or at least that’s the rumor why the Giants clubhouse manager went to Costco for a 128-count Chipwich box.

Brandon Crawford – 1-for-3 with his first steal after hitting a granny in the first game of his career. (That better not had been Jose Reyes’s granny!)  He has very, very modest power and speed (like 7/7 over the course of a season).  To give you of an idea of how deep the league needs to be to grab him, he’s available in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Eric Patterson – 2-for-5 and has led off two of the last three games!  *small voice*  But he’s hitting .189.  *big voice*  He’s stolen 2 bases in those starts!  *small voice*  He doesn’t play every day.  Okay, I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues or deeper leagues for a short term boost on speed.  To put it in New Jersey terms, you pass through Patterson, you don’t stay there.

Logan Forsythe – Here’s another NL-Only shout out.  He’s playing every day for the Padres, though you’d think if Forsythe was in SoCal, he’d be saying hello to the Angels.  He doesn’t have much power and Petco will suppress that further.  “Stop smothering me, Petco!  I mean, mothering.  Actually, I don’t.”  Forsythe has five homer power and teen speed.  Think a poor man’s Bartlett, i.e. the cupboards are Barelett.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Other than the mollywhopping he took at the hands of the Angels, he’s been decent if a bit yawnstipating with Ks.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and two more homers to bring his total to 10.  When he seeks revenge on you for dropping him, he does it swiftly and decisively.

Jayson Nix – Him and brother, Laynce, hit homers yesterday.  Today, their brother, Jaymes, drinks himself into a stupor for being the black sheep of the family.

Eric Young Jr. – Another day, another steal.  Okay, I’m not talking about him again until Friday’s Buy.

Francisco Liriano – To the DL when the MRI revealed shoulder inflammation.  The MRI also revealed it was glad it didn’t draft him.

Phil Hughes – Could be back by July.  Yanks said they won’t push him.  Put him near traffic and I’ll give him a little shove.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Frequent commenter, Hans, mentioned Ibanez’s recent hot streak in the comments (appropriate!).  I was going to talk about Ibanez yesterday, because he has been crazy hot, it’s just so hard to generate excitement about him and unless you ask, “Between him or Cuddyer,” I’m probably going to say the other guy.

Nick Blackburn – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I love corrections to schmohawks.  Schadenfreude!

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 8th homer yesterday and has 4 steals on the season.  When he ends the season with a .250 average, 20 homers and 10 steals, you’re gonna wonder why you dropped him.

Mike Morse – Another day, another home run.  You’re waiting way too long to pick him up.  You, “Who me?”  Yeah, you.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 16th home run.  Could Bruce sneak into the first round next year?  Nah, probably not.  But he’s moving into the 2nd.

Hanley Ramirez – Out again with what he described as “the worst (pain) he has ever felt.”  I betcha there’s quite a few of his fantasy owners that would like to help Hanley continue to break his personal pain threshold record.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th home run.  Pence is one of those players that stays exactly on pace for his end of the year stats all year long.  Minute he starts to fall off pace, he’ll hit a home run or steal a base.

Torii Hunter – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  One for each I.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5 with his 2nd home run in as many days.  It’s the smart move to keep him in the lineup.  Still waiting for the Sciosciapath to make the not smart move.

Fernando Rodney – Got the save yesterday.  Walden gave up two runs the day before and threw 37 pitches, so this is probably nothing, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — I still grabbed Rodney in leagues where I need saves.  In May, Walden has a 5.54 ERA, 1.77 WHIP; Rodney hasn’t given up a run in the past week.  (Yeah, I’m cherrypicking stats, but whatever.  It’s my blog.  Start your own blog and cherrypick your own numbers.)

Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wouldn’t press the panic button, but two of his last three starts have been duds.

Kyle McClellan – 4 IP, 7 ER.  See Nick Blackburn or 7 and a 1/4 inches above.

Albert Pujols – 2-for-4 with the ever-tasty slam and legs.  A Pujols by any other name would smell foul.

Bartolo Colon – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  A doctor in Boca Raton is claiming he used stem cells to fix Colon’s arm and make him an effective pitcher once again.  The doctor says he used Colon’s own fat cells to repair the elbow.  Now the elbow is working like new but it can no longer fit into any of his shirts.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.

After seeing Edwin Jackson pitch yesterday, I felt as happy as this guy on the inside.  I ran around my block yelling “Yuuuuupppp” like Dave Hester in Storage Wars.  I went to Coldstone Creamery and got a low fat sundae that had 2700 calories and I ate it (with extra jimmies)!  Yesterday, Jackson’s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners and 13 Ks.  He’s now 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA and 20 Ks in 14 innings.  Giddy up, snitches!  Sure, like I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size, but I liked Jackson throughout the preseason.  Wanna see where I wrote my Edwin Jackson fantasy in sparkle dust?  Click on that link-a-ma-thingie.  Right now, Jackson is owned in 29.1% of ESPN leagues.  Even when you consider 40% of all ESPN leagues are already abandoned, it’s still too low.  BTW, if other fantasy sites tell you to pick up Edwin Jackson now, tell them to go eff themselves, Razzball told you back in January.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lastings Milledge – White Sox designated him for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Blue Kays.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Makes sense that Cahill can’t even buy a K in his last name.  In 2009, Cahill’s K-rate was 4.53.  Last year, it was 5.40.  It’s a good trend but I’ll wait until 2012 when it’s actually up to something presentable.  No Ks is a than, but no thans.  He’ll probably have an ERA over 4.00 in 2011, but I’ll be generous and give him… 2011 Projections:  8-9/3.90/1.15/130″  And that’s me quoting me!  I’m still on board with all that.  His xFIP was high last year and his K-rate was atrocious.  Now the interesting thing about Cahill — and, yes, when I say interesting, I probably mean not that interesting — he had a solid K-rate in the minors.  If Cahill strikes out guys this year, I’d only rank it a 5 on a scale of surprising.  Or about as surprising as food poisoning from all you can eat sushi.

Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Even though he pitches in the AL East, I’d own him because RR Cool Jay is doing it well.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This was against the Indians, but Lester is a bona fide number one against any wahoos.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Carmona looked good which isn’t a compliment to him but an indictment of the Sox right now.  Somebody cover Ted Williams’ frozen head, he shouldn’t have to see the Red Sox like this.

Sam Fuld – 1-for-3, 3 steals.  To paraphrase Kanye, “Let’s have a toast for those that steal three bags…”

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4, hitting .364 on the year.  Not sure what it is, maybe he was getting cold there in Longoria’s shadow, but Upton is about the only Ray currently hitting.  (Yeah, I went from Kanye to Bette Midler in the matter of two blurbs.  You’re welcome.)

Esmil Rogers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when Rockie pitchers were unownable?  That was sooooo 2009!  Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for at least a month.  If he impresses, the Rockies will leave him in the rotation.  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Jon Niese – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  His leash shouldn’t be crazy long, but this was a tough match-up.  You gotta give him a little more slack.

Wilson Valdez – 4-for-4, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs.  It’s always interesting to see how players react to the threat of everyday violence from their fan base.  So far Valdez has done okay in Citizens Flank, but I imagine that will end shortly.

John Axford – Everyone’s favorite closer to lose their job in the first week of the season now has back-to-back saves.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not quite as dominant as I want to see him every time out *cough* like Edwin Jackson *cough* but this was a step in the right direction.  BTW, am I the only one who thinks it’s hilarious that the Brewers are playing Nyjer and Gomez at the same time?  Opposing teams just need to shine a flashlight onto a wall to get them to run off base.

Ian Desmond – Led off and went 2-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now 6 for his last 10.  Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have dropped him after three bad games.

Sam LeClure – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Doesn’t it seem like terrible pitchers do well on short schedule days?  Yeah, so that got me thinking… As many of you are aware, my IQ falls somewhere between brilliant and brilliantly stupid.  The technical term is “Hit or Miss.”  I wasn’t sure if this one theory I had was hit or miss, so I contacted frequent commenter, Simply Fred, like I was Tom Cruise contacting Ving Rhames to crack a safe.  I told him my theory — Hitters do worse on travel days (Monday and Thursday).  Simply Fred then went and did the ERAs for each day of the week. Turned out this theory was a miss.  There’s no correlation.

Scott Rolen – 1-for-1 with his 2nd homer.  Last year, 17 homers pre-All-Star break.  3 homers afterwards.

Alex Avila – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Now let the comments commence (say that fast 117 times!) about whether you should pick up Avila.

A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  If you ask me in the comments if you should start Burnett, I’m probably going to say no because I wouldn’t own him.  Or I’m going to say yes if you own him.

Adam Moore – Torn meniscus.  Simultaneously, the Appendix, Intercostal and Oblique scream, “Get in line!”

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, HR and a steal for the always delicious slam & legs.  Yesterday, I couldn’t believe I was getting questions asking about dropping Jones or picking up a dropped Jones.  Really?  After 5 games?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I hope this is because he had a short Spring Training.  I really hope so.  Do I think it is?  Yes, but I’m answering with my fingers crossed.

Nishioka Tsuyoshi – Fractured fibula.  No lie.

Luke Hughes – We have a new Aussie major leaguer.  Let’s hope he didn’t share a bed with this koala.  (Sorry, Snookie, that koala makes STDs look cute.)  Hughes hasn’t shown much power in the minors… or speed… or average, but he did hit well in Spring Training (6 homers).  I grabbed him in one league where I lost Nishioka.  As of right now, I would grab him in AL-Only leagues.  The inherent problem with Hughes is the Twins might just play Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.