Fantasy Baseball Advice

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”

Can we stop talking about how running into the catcher is “not” part of baseball? It’s getting really old and stupidity is bleeding from every multimedia channel. If Matt Treanor, or Misty May for that matter, got run over and injured this would be a blip on the radar for baseball. All I can say is I can’t wait until the Marlins and Giants play again and settle their differences with a good ol’ donnybrook. Baseball settles its differences between the lines, and all this talk about how one of the prodigal sons of baseball got hurt is a snooze fest. I am old school when watching this game.  If you don’t want to get hit, don’t stand on the tracks when the train is coming through. Okay, rant over. There seems to be lots of speculation going on in the game right now. Who will be buyers and who will be sellers. This has some rippling effects on fantasy as guys switch leagues and make AL/NL only leagues scramble for FAAB bucks. Should be a fun next month of real baseball and hope that it relates well to fake baseball. Good luck on this week’s fantasy endeavors. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/8
Danny Duffy vs. TOR – Villanueva
Paul Maholm vs. ARI – Duke
Josh Outman @BAL- Britton

6/9
Josh Collmenter @Pit – Karstens
Jonathon Niese @ Mil – Gallardo
Derek Holland @ Min – Blackburn

6/10
Dillon Gee @ PIT – Morton
Jason Marquis @ SD – Latos
Ryan Vogelsong vs. CIN – Wood

Rick Porcello (@Tex vs. Harrison, Sea vs. Hernandez) Has gotten numbers to look healthier against bad hitting teams, now re-read who he is playing this week. Strugglin’ against LH, but away ERA is a cozy 2.39.

Joel Pineiro (TB vs. Price, KC vs. O’Sullivan) Still gunning for that milestone win. K’s are nonexistent basically. Nothing cures offensive ills better than a good ol’ swig of O’Sullivans.

Freddy Garcia (Bos vs. Lester, Cle vs. Tomlin) Anyone remember Freddy from the old Yankee stadium who used to bang on his pot and have funny limericks on a sign? Yeah, this isn’t him. WHIP is still bad, but lineup chases all evil flying monkeys away.

Mike Leake (CHC vs. Lopez, @SF vs. Sanchez) Not for nothing, but wasn’t he Kelly Leake’s dad in the Bad News Bears? Cincy’s lineup makes him look better. Going to win a lot of 8-6 type ballgames.

Clayton Richard (Col vs. Mortensen, Was vs. Lannan) Low end 2 starts for the front man of the new “Petco Shop Boys.“ ERA at home is far superior. Rinse and repeat for next guy.

Tim Stauffer (Col vs. Jimenez, Was vs. Zimmermann) East end boys and west end girls. Sorry have that song stuck in my head now. Run support is awful. I like Richard’s 2 opposing pitchers better.

Javier Vazquez (Mil vs. Greinke, Ari vs. Kennedy) He is about as good at fantasy as Wilt Chamberlain was at monogamy. K potential is there….somewhere. Look closer it’s wearing a red striped wool hat, oh my bad I lost track of where we were.

Matt Harrison (Det vs. Porcello, @Min vs. Swarzak) Blisters be gone. Was good to start year, then had to change the sheets. Last 4 starts are back on the Matt Foley path. Away ERA at 2.53. Hope the medication he got from Washington isn’t habit forming.

Jon Garland (@Phi vs. Oswalt, @Col vs. Jimenez) Ugh and Yikes. Nice to see ya, Jon. See you in a week when you’re actually semi-rosterable. Bottom of barrel, bars closing, grab any girl situation here.

Felipe Paulino (Tor vs. Morrow, @Ana vs. Santana) My odd ball of the week. I had some preseason love for him in Colorado, fail. Change of scenery has so far has been mmm-ok. If your digging this deep you prolly need a shovel and some lime.

Week 7 brings us the beginning of the uselessness that is interleague play. Why? For the simple reason that teams like to keep it fresh for money purposes:  it’s some weird marketing technique to gain new revenue. I am not a fan of the unnatural geographical match-ups. This causes all types of lineup havoc for teams with a strict DH guy on American League teams. So enjoy some shuffleboard with Papi and Vlad — that should be a cruise line slogan. Even though both those teams are home…you get my point. So with that being said, lots of two start options this week as all 30 teams play 7 games. This is a good week to muscle up and grab as many two start guys as possible. Why you may ask? Patience, and don’t yell! There is no yelling in the dojo. The pitching has been dominating the hitting so far, so why wouldn’t it continue in games with opponents they don’t see very often? There, you’re welcome for the secrets. Good luck this week on all fantasy baseball undertakings. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/18
Tom Gorzelanny @ Nym – Gee
Bud Norris @ StL – Lohse
Bronson Arroyo vs. Pit – McDonald

5/19
Chris Narveson @ SD – Harang
Tyson Ross vs. Min – Blackburn
Philip Humber vs. Cle – White

5/20
Jason Marquis @ Bal – Arrieta
Travis Wood @ Cle – Tomlin

Ivan Nova (@TB vs. Shields, NYM vs. Niese) Got lambasted by KC.  That lineup glimmer I’ve previously mentioned with Yankee starters? Yeah, he has it and a special decoder ring given to him by Jetes.

Joel Pineiro (@Oak vs. Anderson, Atl vs. Hanson) Two quality opponents to see if Joel is for real. Tiny numbers not just this year, but click 2010 stats. Yeah, minus an injury he would be worth it. BAA is a meager .224. Some regression, but would you take a 3.70 ERA from a waiver wire add? Yeah, me too.

Rick Porcello (Tor vs. Drabek, @Pit vs. Maholm) Kid grew up like 5 mins from me, 20 if I walked on my hands. Hasn’t allowed more than 2 ER since before tax day (that’s 5 starts if anyone doesn’t have an abacus handy). ERA 2 runs better away.

Charlie Morton (@Was vs. Zimmermann, Det vs. Coke) Two Jersey guys in a row — it’s a Jersey thing… you wouldn’t understand. RH batting .161, unfortunately LH are hitting “Teddy Ballgame” off him. ERA drop at home to the tune of 2.5 runs.

Jon Garland (Mil vs. Wolf, @CHW vs. Danks) The fantasy baseball version of a Doozer, down in Fraggle Rock. 12 wins and ERA around 4. Seems like he has done that for oh, say a decade. 2.77 ERA away from Chavez.

Jason Vargas (Min vs. Duensing, @SD vs. Stauffer) More exciting time on Sunday in SD? Go to the zoo and flip off the monkeys or watch Seattle play the Friars? Yeah, I know it’s a trick question.

Jesse Litsch (@Det vs. Coke, Hou vs. W. Rodriguez) I thought Conan shaved his beard… What is he doing pitching for Toronto? The last Jesse that I swore by ran moonshine and his nephews drove a Charger with the doors cemented shut.

Homer Bailey (CHC vs. Garza, @Cle vs. Carrasco) Remember that girl from high school who used to tease you all the time with niceness? She teaches a class for that now and Bailey is the valedictorian. If you already picked him up, make sure you have a DL spot available.

Jonathon Niese (Fla vs. Nolasco , @NYY vs. Nova) Hey, I could have mentioned Pelfrey, but look at his match-ups and tell me who you would rather face. xFIP says he is getting hosed by a run.

Paul Maholm (@Was vs. Lannan, Det vs. Porcello) Gets zero point zero run support to help his 3.60 ERA. What did u expect…. he plays in Pitt. Home ERA at 2.76. Is a photo negative of Morton.

Week 6 is here, subtle rejoice. Some top minor league guys are getting the call, the closer situations on some teams are still an enigma wrapped in a TLR sandwich and some elite pitching has returned. Now is the time to start gambling on guys that have either underperformed or you have a hunch about. Hunches win fantasy leagues. After all, this is just like playing the lottery, although I have never seen the lotto girl pull an oblique calling the winning numbers. So good luck on all of this week’s endeavors.  Here are the pitching options for the week to come. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS

5/10
Homer Bailey @Hou – Myers
Rick Porcello @Min – Blackburn
Joel Pineiro vs. CHW – Peavy

5/11
Scott Baker vs. Det – Coke
Brandon Beachy vs. Was – Lannan

5/12
Jon Garland @ Pit – Morton
Ivan Nova vs. KC – O’Sullivan

5/13
Gavin Floyd vs. Oak – McCarthy
Wade Davis vs. Bal – Guthrie

Travis Wood (@Hou vs. A. Rodriguez, StL vs. Carpenter) Shows glimpses, then gets pummeled. Gets two starts unless Dusty out smarts us all and uses 6 starters. God forbid he gets out-crazyed by Ozzie.

Jason Marquis (@Atl vs. Hanson, Fla vs. Vazquez) Last start showed the worst case scenario. Is he as good as his first 5 starts? Hell to the no. When healthy he is an innings eater and those, from what I hear, are delicious.

Josh Tomlin (TB vs. Niemann, Sea vs. Pineda) I will lay it out for you nice and simple, he is 3-0 at home. I still think it’s a magic show getting it done. Pitching a run and a half better than his xFIP.

Kevin Correia (LA vs. Lilly, @Mil vs. Greinke) Anyone else notice that the Buccos are pushing .500? 17 wins all of last year on the road, 11 already this year, Oh, and guess what, Correia is 5-0 on the road.

Jake Arrieta (Sea vs. Pineda, @ TB vs. Price) ERA 1.50 lower on the road and lefties are hitting a robust .187, “It’s murda.” No, it isn’t. It is batting average against, but thanks for stopping by JA.

Vance Worley/Joe Blanton (@Fla vs. Vazquez, @Atl vs. Hanson) Mr. Blanton, that is the entrance; you are required to use the exit. Nothing from Worley’s minor league numbers say he should be this awesome. Maybe the four aces are rubbing off on him. Blanton is scheduled to throw a bullpen on Saturday so either starter may get the nod or each may get one, sharing is caring I guess.

Chris Capuano (@Col vs. Chacin, @Hou vs. A. Rodriguez) Watched entire start against SF, a better hitting team would have made it ugly. Seems very predictable. Decent lone star start, in the mountains not so much. Is a left handed Whippopotamus.

Freddy Garcia (KC vs. Davies, Bos vs. Beckett) Played Joe the policeman, on the “What’s goin’ down” episode of That’s My Mama. NY lineup gives anyone a little glimmer, hangs in the same “bloat” as Capuano.

Ted Lilly (@Pit vs. Correia, Ari vs. Collmenter) Lots of talk about him, being added/dropped. He is a 12 win 4 ERA 1.3 WHIP pitcher. To me that spells a perfect number 5 starter in any fantasy league. Ted Lilly rant over, return to your regular scheduled programming.

Jason Hammel (NYM vs. Pelfrey, SD vs. Latos) My secret inside voice tells me he is the best pitcher on the Rox right now, than Chacin’s inside voice texts mine and tells it like it really is. ERA is higher at home, lefties hitting around a deuce.

It’s getting close to that time. That’s right, the BOGO sale at Payless! No, it’s the time when you look at your roster and say “I drafted this guy way too high to just drop him after a month.” That’s how fake baseball rolls, we don’t have the luxury of letting a rookie get his feet under him. Or that starting pitcher who is failing to figure things out. If we do, we lose — plain and simple. These guys don’t owe us anything and we shouldn’t owe them anything for being a sucktard for a month. So now is the time to look at your roster and your league standing. Go ahead, do it.  See which ones are the slow starters and show obvious patience, and who are the guys you guessed and guessed wrong on. 80 cents on the dollar is still worth more to me than falling in the standings. So good luck on this week’s fantasy baseballedness. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS
4/27
Derek Holland vs. Tor – Reyes
Jeff Niemann @ Min – Baker
Josh Tomlin vs. KC – O’Sullivan
Mike Leake @ Mil – Estrada
4/28
Kyle Lohse @ Hou – Figueroa
Fausto Carmona vs. KC – Francis
Brian Duensing vs. TB – Hellickson
4/29
Carlos Carrasco vs. Det – Penny
Jason Hammel vs. Pit – Correia
Dillon Gee vs. Ari – Enright

TWO START STARTERS

Justin Masterson (@ KC -Hochevar, Det- Coke) Love isn’t a strong enough word, restraining order is though. Fun fact: he is the only player in MLB that was born in Jamaica. Groundball pitchers have long futures in real or fake baseball. xFIP shows some regression but I’ll take 3.50 from him.

Chris Narveson (Cin-Arroyo, @Hou-Norris) Only owned in 45% of ESPN leagues. 80% of which are dead already. What’s not to love? Good Lineup. Decent stuff. Owns a scooter, hey wait a second.

Wade Davis (@Min-Blackburn, Ana-Weaver) Gets very overlooked. Most likely a one start guy for most based on the Weaver situation on Sunday. Hey, you could do worse, Philip Humber says hi.

Bud Norris (STL-Westbrook, Mil-Narveson) Bud, why do you hurt me? You look awesome for stints during a game than they string together some hits and you give up a 6 run homer. We stay for the K’s and leave ya for the WHIP.

Bartolo Colon (CHW-Floyd, Tor-Cecil) In limited innings, he’s 3rd on Yanks in K’s. Watched his start in Toronto and I was very impressed. Great fastball command.

Jon Garland (@Fla-Nolasco, SD-Moseley) Back from the dead. Great for a mix and match-up type. Innings gobbler with 10 straight years of double digit wins.  Yeah, that’s right I said ten.

Zach Britton (Bos-Buchholz, @CHW-Floyd) Promising start going 3-1. Has the arsenal to be a top of rotation stud, albeit in Baltimore. Watch out for the rookie wall, which should pop up in another 50 innings or so.

R.A. Dickey (@Was-Lannan, @Phi-Lee) What happened to the bottle with all the lightning in it from last year? Mets are just getting healthy enough to start trading everyone by June 1st.

Phil Coke (Sea-Bedard, @Cle-Masterson) You know what cures all ills. Pickle juice and the Mariners offense. Is an up-n-down lefty, with that sexy dual eligibility try and squeeze him in somewhere.

Charlie Morton (SF-Cain, @Col-Jimenez) The steakhouse served up a cube steak last outing. I haven’t seen tougher match-ups since TKO crew took on Electro Rock.