Fantasy Baseball Advice

Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South.  That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week.  That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction.  “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss?  Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!”  That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s.  (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.)  I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP.  BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you.  “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!”  That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.

Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness.  Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?

Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter.  Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again.  So you bench him and he turns in another gem.  Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy.  Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again.  You bench him and he’s great.  You start him and he’s awful.  You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex.  By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him.  Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym.  I never want to see him on my team again.

Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity.  Then he said Capps is still the closer.  I think he just wanted to see some double takes.

Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo.  This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June.  Nice to see you return, Bruce.

Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12.  The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007).  They should adopt Hafner.  Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.

Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.”  He says he’ll return Thursday.

Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back.  I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Aunt Bee would be proud.

Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf.  He should return on Friday.  Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.

Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR.  At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences.  I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent.  Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76.  See, he’s consistent!  /sarcasm

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP.  And 100 strikeouts.  Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday.  Ready to have your mind blown?  He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals.  Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR.  It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall.  Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!

Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game.  Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.

Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start.  Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI.  Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year.  Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency.  Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year.  I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out.  Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.

Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners.  He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup.  That’s far from so-so, Moscoso!  Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier.  But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx.  Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal.  But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!

Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer.  Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats?  Or ball shrinking needles?

Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer.  I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks.  My man Pena is hungry!

Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal.  13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors.  He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls.  If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.

Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora.  Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.

Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion.  Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26.  It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.

Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball.  When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.”  What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?

Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday.  *giggles like a schoolgirl*  Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday.  *giggles again*  It was his birthday!  Man, that is rich.  The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17.  Not someone important just to rub it in further.  Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps.  “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.”  So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider.  My love runs deep for Mr. Snider.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!”  And that’s me quoting me!  I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year.  I’d grab him in every league where you need power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run.  The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.

Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend.  Well, la di–No, actually that’s good.  Grab him if you need power.

Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.

Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain.  He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday).  On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories.  First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time.  The category has a committee leader:  Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.”  Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year.  Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room.  Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.”  Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them.  This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category.  Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”

Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week.  You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side?  Did he steal his toothpick?  “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter?  My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”

Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games.  All brays to Mini Donkey!

Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday.  I am Sparkakis!  Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade.  He’s on pace for a 15/15 season.  I give that a small yay.

Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games.  For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot.  If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards.  Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!  He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances.  Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.

Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).

Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile.  Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask.  I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K.  Having a better season than Zack Greinke.  Fantasy baseball:  helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.

Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9.  Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.

Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago.  If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…

Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade.  Someone’s enjoying their new environs.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer.  BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall.  Oh, no, CartGo.  Gasp!  Shudder.  Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh.  However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.

Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy.  He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.

Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year.  Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save.  Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now.  Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.”  If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.

Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.

Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far.  If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins.  Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch?  Doesn’t seem uber possible.  I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones.  He’s unstartable right now everywhere.

Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad.  His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”

Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand.  Hello, bullpen?  Is there anybody in there?  Just nod if you can hear me.  Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks.  AHHHHH!  Now you feel a little sick.  Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves.  That’ll keep you going through the show.  Come on, it’s time to go.  But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves.  Unless you have become comfortably numb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A.  During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero.  There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year.  Great, wonderful, fantastic!  Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and he was hideous in April this year.  And that’s me copying, pasting, liberally quoting and adding addendums to me!

Shin-Soo Choo – As I reported here on Monday after inferring shizz from other sites, Choo’s out until September, having surgery on his thumb.  I’d lose him in redraft leagues where you don’t have DL room.  What a waste of a draft pick.  Ah, Choo… Bless you.

Doug Davis – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  The Cubs should reduce their DD.  It’s just sloppy.

Starlin Castro – 1-for-9 for the doubleheader.  For when someone does terrible on both sides of a doubleheader, it sounds like we need an alternate glossary definition for a player dropping a deuce.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s totally charmed right now.  He actually gets hit in this game as he should be and the Giants score the most runs they have all year. (This wasn’t fact checked, but it’s probably accurate.)

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-6 with a home run.  They must have some great B-12 in Chicago.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About a month ago, we almost pulled the trigger on a trade of Heath Bell and Pence for Cliff Lee.  With Pence’s injury and Bell about to be traded, could see that being one that we Mr. Bungled.

Jonathan Broxton – Will be out for at least a month and a half.  Mattingly said he’d consider it a bonus if Broxton pitched again this year.  Doesn’t a bonus come on top of something good?  Where is Strunk & White to let them know it’s not correct grammar to say something like, “My best friend is sleeping with my wife, but I’d consider it a bonus if he used a condom.”

Javy Guerra – He’s the guy to own in the Dodgers bullpen. (For that one save opportunity every month or so.)

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Last time out, I said he was unstartable, but then I saw he was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and I decided to give it a whirl.  Now, Lilly and I are done.  Lose my number.  Wait, he gets the Mets next time out.  Why can’t I quit you?!

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with his third home run in the last 5 games.  Looks like Swisher is finally playing as hot as those sideburns make him look.  Wait, what?  Umm… Awkward… Umm… Yeah, I’d grab Swisher.  In fantasy!  Um, leagues.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  That’s nice, but he’s not long for a starting job.  Pasta Diving is up and running.

Vernon Wells – 4-for-5 and his 10th home run.  Told you last week to grab him, then again on Monday.  Don’t make me keep talking about Vernon Wells.  Please.

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th home run in the last 10 games while batting near .350 in the last week.  I wish I knew how to repay him other than sending him a giant cake that I’m gonna jump out of in my birthday suit.  And to think baseball players don’t like fantasy baseball nerds.  Pfft!

Zack Greinke – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Yankees for the Bronx cheer.

Josh Johnson – Headed to see his old friend Dr. Freeze because his shoulder’s not 100%.  Hundred percent called and said it’s never heard of Josh Johnson’s shoulder.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  A’la Nelson Muntz, “HA HA!”

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Now has three home runs in his last three games.  He won’t dazzle your retinas for long periods of time, but he does look like he’s hot.  Get on board!

Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  His K-rate is under 5… C’mon.  Seriously.  That’s ridiculous.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Now has two homers in the last four games and a hit in each of his last five.  It ain’t Rasmus burning on the dance floor, but it’s a start.  Geiger, let’s go!

Jose Reyes – 4-for-4 and his 29th steal, hitting .349 on the year.  Haven’t talked much about Reyes this year because every time I look at him I think about how I wished I owned him on every team and it annoys me.

Jason Bay – Him and Beltran hit grand slams in consecutive innings.  Only took three years but the Mets team is really starting to come together.  Too bad they’re about to dismantle them.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with a pinch hit home run.  All Wily Mo does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.

J.J. Putz – Gave up a run on Monday and two runs on Tuesday to blow the save.  His ERA is up to 3.12 after starting the month at 1.57.  Putz’s blown (hehe) four games this month.  I’d grab David Hernandez where you’re desperate for saves.

Chase D’Arnaud – 0-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now started three games in a row at 3rd base for the Pirates. In the minors, he stole 33 of 40 last year and 17 of 20 this year.  He can’t do much but steal, but maybe he’ll try and prove his worth and, ya know, steal.  In deeper leagues, I could see taking the SAGNOF flyer.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 10th win.  Of course he has ten wins.  Why wouldn’t he?!  It’s Kevin Correia on the Pittsburgh Pirates!  I hate wins.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first home run.  Will see significant time with Tabata to the DL for at least three weeks.  Yes, you should pick up Presley.  Now if only Fleer still did those novelty cards like Black & Blue with Bud Black and Vida Blue, so we could have an Elvis (Andrus) & (Alex) Presley card.  Or Fister-Moore.

Johnny Damon – Went 4-for-6 on Sunday and 2-for-4 with a home run yesterday.  Hard for me to give you much enthusiasm for him, so let’s just say he’s seeing the ball well and move on.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He wasn’t quite vintage Hommy, but it’s good to have him back.  (Even though I don’t own him…Why again didn’t I draft him?  Dah!)

Ichiro Suzuki – Hit his first home run of the year as he bats almost fifty points below his career average.  Wow, he got old fast.  He might be 52 years old.  See, I have this theory that all Asians look young up until 51 years old, then when they turn 52, they look ancient.  It’s the Law of Pat Morita.  Morita was young looking on Happy Days and under the age of 52.  Then Morita turned 52 years old, was in The Karate Kid and looked ancient.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 9 Ks.  The Gio Grande is obviously no place for Marlins.

Rich Harden – Will be activated on Friday (and DL’d on Saturday).  I wouldn’t bother with him.  He hasn’t pitched more than 4 2/3 IP in any game so far in his rehab, which is hilarious to me.  “Just keep him healthy long enough for me to trade him.”  That’s Brad Pitt playing the part of Billy Beane.  Making room for Harden, Graham Godfrey is moving to the bullpen to the dismay of all the pitchers out there who can’t stand his loud, piercing voice and his penchant for roasting other pitchers.  “People think Brian Fuentes is a bad guy because he bad-mouthed Bob Geren.  They are incorrect.  He’s a bad man because he KILLED A MEXICAN IN A COLORADO SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  WITH HIS OWN HANDS.  HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE MEAT GRINDER.  YOU EXPECT THAT FROM A KRAUT LIKE MICHAEL WUERTZ.  BUT IT WAS FUENTES.  AGAINST ONE OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!”  That’s Graham Godfrey.

David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess!  I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them?  George Foster?  (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone.  Fact!)  The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets?  Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports:  In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.”  In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later.  In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.”  In reality, he missed two seasons.  “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.”  In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair.  So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks.  Um, okay.  Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power?  Yeah, that’s rhetorical.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Now has 16 steals on the year.  How do you motivate overpaid athletes?  With the allure of being vastly overpaid.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks.  That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl.  My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.

Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6.  Voila!

Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Left the game with a forearm contusion.  No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.

Justin Turner – Overdrive!  2-for-5 with a double and a RBI.  Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually?  Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say.  Go with it.

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks.  Six walks for The Adverb?  Did he throw that many all of last year?  Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.

Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks.  So this is either a great time to sell or hold.  I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap.  If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold.  If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell.  Deal?  Yeah, deal.

Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games.  His average has been yawnstipating at best.  Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy.  He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be.  Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year.  He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.

Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach.  He’s saying he’ll be fine.  You know, Colby’s a survivor.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base.  Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”

John Lackey – Sent to the DL.  The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA.  So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?

A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hey, 2010 A.J. Burnett good to see you.  Say hello to your mother for me.

David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer.  Who are you, Curtis Granderson?  Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder?  He is Joey Bats.  Who are you, Courtesy Gratin?  What’s that, free cheesy tater tots?  That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power.  Now go to your room.

Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer.  Has 6 more homers than Morneau.  Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!

Derrek Lee – Strained oblique.  That’s sad for Lee and his family.  No one else should care.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name.  Chabon would’ve gave him the win.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-2.  Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd?  Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead.  Theory!  With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run.  The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games.  He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass.  Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.

Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List.  It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking.  And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow.  Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been.  He’s down to .188 on the year.  Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You’re welcome.

Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats.  Sorta glass half full:  Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts.  Sorta glass half empty:  His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty.  Sorta who cares:  It’s Paul Maholm.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).

Cole Kimball – 1 IP, o ER with the win.  That Cole Kimball sure plays a mean baseball!

Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Really pulled his shizz together in May.  April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35.  Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.

Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER.  He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ.  Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.

Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year.  Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!

Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice.  Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts.  Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base.  Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo?  Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.

Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness.  Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days.  Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Oh-kay.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  First name, Hommy.  Second name, Tanson.

Grady Sizemore – To the DL.  I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.