Fantasy Baseball Advice

There’s a saying in Arizona, “Just when you get really good at your job, your career hits a wall and a Mexican comes along and takes the job from you.”  The only difference in Krispie Young‘s case is that Gerardo Parra is Venezuelan.  Krispie was literally the only one hitting on one of my teams and now… I’m crying into my soup, because the soup was bland and my tears are salty.  I’m resourceful.  But that’s one sonavawrench thrown into my team’s plans!  As of press (post? blog? this shizz?) time, details were scant and info was un-nigh and far between.  The D-Backs are saying it’s a shoulder bruise, but he’s going for an MRI.  Hopefully, the MRI doesn’t reveal any structural damage or structurel demega on a typewriter with keys transposed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

SIKE!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we have a double SIKE!  First, “SIKE” is for a huge announcement we have coming later today.  The second “SIKE!” is the podcast is up for download.  The announcement is actually talked about a bit on the podcast.  So you get a sneak peek (a sneak listen?) if you so choose to… It’s something I’m proud of that isn’t mustache related.  I think you guys (4 girls) are gonna love it too.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Justin Upton – Has no home runs and no RBIs and is batting .212.  Don’t worry though, it’s only a jammed thumb he’s been nursing.  Nursing a thumb?  Thumb sucker!  The injury to his thumb was rumored to happen when Kirk Gibson missed a meeting and a substitute coach let Justin lead a rousing game of 7-up.  Little did he realize the strength of Paul Goldschmidt would injure his thumb.  Upton sat yesterday and he’s going for an MRI today, too.  Hey, if Diamondbacks send a pitcher for an MRI, they can get a pickup game in the waiting room!  I’m sure one day of rest will fix something that’s been bothering Upton for a week.  For those without the sarcasm gene — or sanscasm — I’m concerned about Upton.  Too soon to panic.  Sit tight.  Simon didn’t say sit tight.  Gotcha.

Santiago Casilla – Got the save yesterday and backing up what Bochy had said earlier about Casilla being first in line, which backs up what I said last week when I grabbed Casilla only to drop him the next day and watch Rudy pick him up.  FMFBBL.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yum-yum.

Brad Lidge – Got the save yesterday as Johnson keeps Eeny Meeny Miney and Moe’ing his closers.  So friggin’ stupid.  HanK-Rod has a zero ERA and strikes out everyone; Lidge puts runners on every game and it gets harrowing!  (Gets harrowing?  It sounds like I’m writing crappy Buffy fan-fiction.)

Colby Lewis – Mr. Popular on Razzball’s 2012 expert leagues overcame a Sparky Anklebiter 2-run HR in the 1st inning to deliver a very solid win in Boston (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  The jeers in Boston started with “Hey Colby — you stink like cheese” and “Hey Colby — go back to your college in Maine with your frigin’ liberal ahtsy fahtsies” to “Hold me, Colby” by the fat drunk girl in the Nomah jersey.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a HR and 5 RBIs.  Now at 5 HRs and 11 RBIs with a .413 AVG.  Someone’s got his eye on the MVNK award (Most Valuable Non-Kemp).

Mike Napoli – 3 for 5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs, 2 homers and a 1B with catcher eligibility.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he was moved to 6th in the order.  This is what Ozzie was thinking about for the last 5 games during his exile.  So that means Stanton’s gonna have to hit, like, 40 homers in a game to convince Ozzie he was wrong.  You gotta better chance of Ozzie being named Little Havana’s Man of the Year.  Andy Garcia’s got that shizz on lock for a decade anyway.

Heath Bell – Throws a scoreless 9th for his first save.  Now down to a 9.00 ERA.  It says something when that’s actually pretty good considering all the drafted closers this year.

Hanley Ramirez – Game winning 3-run HR at Crayola Canyon.  No es mal contente!

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 with his 7th steal.  You know who loves Castro (the non-killing people one)?  This guy with two thumbs, a mustache, two eyes, a terrible Jersey accent and a cougar girlfriend.  That’s who!  (But doesn’t own him anywhere.  Sad trombone.)

Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whenever I see his name I can’t help singing, “Demps and a bump, Demps and a bump, we like the starters that go Demps and a bump!”  Maybe it’s just me.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Could miss a few days with a death in his family.  It wasn’t Miggy or Melky.  Anyone hear from Everth Cabrera recently?

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Mr. April throws another beaut.  His ERA is sub-1.00.  Maybe he can give some pointers to Lincecum.

Austin Jackson – Just when you want to believe he’s turned a corner, he goes 0-for-4 with 3 Ks…..against the Royals….with Bruce Chen pitching (for the first 2 Ks).

Adam Lind – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 1st homer.  I’m not going to mention how you wanted to drop him so bad because he had 9 bad games in a 162 game season, but I’m warning you now.  If he goes on a tear, I’m gonna take off the gloves and not only mention it by saying I’m not mentioning it, but I’m going to actually mention it.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Maybe he doesn’t want to spite me by having his first bad season after it took two years for me to like him.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  #outofthe7hole

Javy Guerra – Blew yesterday’s save.  Over/under that Jansen is the closer by July moves to June.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 with his 4th steal.  Did someone buy him for Christmas a ticket to the Davey Lopes SAGNOF seminar?

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Royals.  Obviously a solid start, but I haven’t changed my opinion on him from last time.  Outside of deep leagues, it’s tough to own him.

Yovani Gallardo – Nice home start against Dodgers (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even better — just one BB after 7 BBs in his first two starts.  Then K-Rod comes in and lets Ethier go-yardo to blow the lead.  At least he got the quality start, right QSers!

Mat Gamel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam & legs.  1st homer of the year, but his 3rd steal.  Guess if you’re trying to replace Prince, it’s best to start at steals and work your way up from there.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Here’s an idea for those that lost Ellsbury.  After Gardner is sitting out a game and his owners are frustrated, try to trade a small piece for him.  I think he gets 50 steals.

Mark Teixeira – Out a few days with influenza.  A-Rod said, “Don’t look at me.  I only have herpes.  No flu.”

Johan Santana – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners.  Left after having throwing 55 pitches.  He should have to donate this game’s salary to the victims of Bernie Madoff.

Wei-Yin Chen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First game: 5 2/3 IP; 2nd game: 5 1/3 IP, and by the 6th inning the Orioles are hungry again for another pitcher.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You’d take that start from Wandy every day and twice on Muesday.

Johnny Damon – Should be ready in a week.  Those with a “Good Hair” category in their league should be pumped.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3.  Now hitting .103.  It’s getting so bad that they pinch hit Fukudome for him.  Or maybe Fukudome thought he heard his name when Ventura realized that Beckham was coming up for a critical 9th inning AB.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-4 as the Mariners gave him the start at catcher (3rd of year!) and DH’d John Jaso.  That’s how much they didn’t want to start Miguel Olivo.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP with no ER at Coors.  Granted, only 1 K and against the Padres but still.  Hope they have tapioca pudding at the post-game buffet.

Jon Lester – 2 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Fickin’ ay.  Give ‘em some chicken and beer if it’ll stop him from throwing a crappy start like this again.

Cincinnati Reds – Their 4th through 8th hitters last night (Rolen, Bruce, Ludwick, Stubbs, and Hanigan) are all hitting .200 or less.  At least they’re not clogging up the bases right, Dusty?

Chase Utley – Phils’ GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  Last week the GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  So Utley isn’t the only thing that’s broken.

Can I get a “no” with eleven O’s?  I personally don’t have the heart right now to type them all.  Yesterday, Giancarlo Stanton, the pride and joy of my heart and the name scribbled all over my Trapper Keeper, said that his knee is bothering him and will continue to bother him.  He said it’s “something that’s obviously not going to get much better playing every day.”  Of course, like the fortune cookie game where you add “in bed” at the end, everything that Giancarlo says also has, “but I will do my best for my novio, Grey Albright.”  You are mi novio too, Giancarlo.  We are boy dot-dot-dot friends.  There’s a dot-dot-dot in there, but sometimes it feels like there’s not.  Court papers say that dot-dot-dot needs to be from 250 feet away.  I’m pretty bummed out, because I do think he’ll play 135-ish games, but if he’s not at 100% with his knees, it could hurt his swing and the ten or so steals he can contribute.  The best case scenario is once the weather heats up, some of the pain is alleviated and, luckily, he plays in a warm weather city.  My sad emoticons are weeping.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Out for the year with a bad elbow.  It’s a painful surgery, but at least it’s roomy in the designated waiting room.

Ryan Braun – Should return on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with minor chest tightness.  He must’ve caught the 24-hour shpilkis bug.

George Kottaras – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Him and Wilin should buy Ramon Hernandez and Lucroy some plane tickets to Venezuela.  The preceding was not a paid advertisement by the Venezuela Chamber of Commerce.

Justin Verlander – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  One of the more dazzling 4 earned run games I’ve seen in a while.  No-hitter into the 5th and a one-hitter going through 8 innings only throwing 81 pitches.   Desmond Jennings said, “If you get the ball in between the giant white lines, you’ve accomplished something.”  He’s either talking about Verlander or hanging out with a hooker who has aspirations to be an air-traffic controller.

Victor Martinez – Tigers said there’s a chance he could return later this season.  Read:  In time for the playoffs.  I’d continue to ignore for our purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading.

Justin Masterson – Ticker shock!  The Indians gave up double digit runs, but Masterson’s only credited with 3 ER in 5 IP (albeit with 9 baserunners).  Unlike his sister Mary Stuart, he can’t always be some kind of wonderful.

Shelley Duncan – 3-for-5 with a home run.  No hand injuries reported yet from his high-fives.

Johnny Damon – Signed with the Indians to be a part-time utility man.  While combing his hair, Damon said he was impressed with the Indians strict no-scalping policy.

Cory Luebke – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has had a bit of a bumpy start to his season (and a bumpy start to this game), but if you can find a restless owner, I’d definitely see if you can pry him away cheap.

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and 116 pitches.  Way to unnecessarily extend your ace in his 2nd start of the year.  On the positive side, Valentine could help with the ice wrap on his arm since he’s an expert on wraps.

Brandon Belt – Sitting for two straight days seemingly because of his 1-for-10 start.  I hope Gallagher mistakes Bochy’s head for a watermelon.

Buster Posey – Missed Wednesday’s start due to shingles, which you don’t get from raising the roof too much.

Tim Lincecum – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I know one has nothing to do with the other, but why do I suddenly want to bench Bumgarner today?

Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Don’t even get me started how this guy should’ve been playing every day for the last three years.  You killed his spirit, Bochy!

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday, but will be away from the club from Thursday until Saturday for the birth of his child.  I jumped the gun on the news for Wednesday.   You can call me Preemie Grey.

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I was pretty conflicted with whether or not I wanted Romero this year because of his 7-ish K-rate — SPOILER ALERT — Romero’s K-rate is in the box at the end of Seven — and his FIP.  I’m glad Rudy pressured me to draft him in one of our leagues.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He got the W with the inverted W motion.  He made it through 100 pitches for the first time in his career.  God Bless, St. Rasburg.

Drew Storen – Underwent minor elbow surgery.  That’s like saying having your tubes tied is minor.  Yeah, I suppose it is, but you want someone monkeying by your wrench?  The Nats said he should be back before the All-Star break.  They previously said he couldn’t throw because of strep throat.  Cust kayin’.  In yesterday’s game, Henry Rodriguez was warming up for a save opportunity until the Nats tacked on a run to make the point moot.  Lidge had also thrown the day before, so the alternating closerousel is still in effect.

Mike Napoli – Was out yesterday after being hit in the temple.  Sounds like a religious hate crime.

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with a home run.  I’ll be honest, I feel like people are preparing to lynch me for my ranking of Bourjos, so I’m glad to see him do something.  Now, if he did a little more of something, I’d be even happier.  If he did a lot of something, I’d be through the Gee Dee roof.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his third homer as he led the Twins to a 6 run outburst, which, I believe, is the most runs they’ve scored in the last two years.

Starlin Castro – Got his 5th SB and seems cemented in the 3rd spot of the Cubs lineup.  Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a top 3 SS this year (after Tulo and Hanley).  If only he wasn’t constantly being awakened by those screaming lambs.

A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 2nd homer of the year.  On Firezynski.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Alejandro De Aza – Back-to-back games going 2-for-5 with a homer.  Could we have our first hot schmotato of the year?

Aroldis Chapman – 2 IP, 1 baserunner, 5 Ks as he beat Rzepczynki, who couldn’t land any of his letters on a Triple Letter score.  5 Ks in two innings with only one baserunners… Guessing his agent is gonna put out a hit on Dusty any day now.

Joe Weiland – He’s being called up to replace Dustin Moseley.  I believe Weiland is a fan of Orange Crush and every game Joe pitches there’s a threat of volcano eruption.  He looks like your standard Hodgepadre, which means he’s rosterable in all leagues when he’s pitching at home and a wait-and-see in road games.  (Of course, the same goes for Anthony Bass, but he’s less attractive then Weiland.)

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 1 RBI with his first start behind the plate.  Hallelujah!

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. his old club the Rangers.  You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.

Jon Jay – 1-for-3 with a homer from the two hole.  If he stays in the two hole and hits, The Federalist could have some nice value.

Jonathan Broxton – Blew yesterday’s game in spectacularly awful fashion.  With the bases loaded, he had two straight HBPs.  Last time he had two straight of those was when the local Waffle House offered Ham and Bacon Pancakes.  I’m sure no one who called me crackers for leading with Broxton in last week’s Sell is gonna say they think Broxton is flipping awesome now.  But, Grey, can’t Broxton be good?  Sure, Random Italicized Voice, but he’s also been hot garbage for the last two years.

Josh Johnson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K.  His brother, Gosh, just shook his head and recounted the Halloween video he did with a tube of K-Y and a gourd that ended equally bad.

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 3 ER with his first blown save.  I think he’s got about five more where that came from and a trip to the Disgraceful List in his future.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Nursing a hip flexor injury.  Is it Tulo injury time already?  We couldn’t even get to the All-Star break?

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Looky, looky, the mirror fogged up that they held up to his nose.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  I know the Astros only have one slugger and he’s currently their closer, but this was a solid start from Delgado.  He definitely has upside, just gotta watch for the roofie.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the 1927 Tigers as he turned their sizzle to lean, which is no easy task.

Stephen Vogt – 0-for-4 as he DH’d, which is whatever (outside of two catcher, AL-Only leagues), but it makes me think of how much playing time Brandon Belt would get on the Rays.  This is why certain teams win, they play their next generation of players.  They don’t let them sit of the effin’ bench for Aubrey effin’ Huff.  Can someone start a website, Eff Aubrey Huff dot com?  I’m so annoyed; I need to take my “medicine.”

Fernando Rodney – In yesterday’s podcast, I said four different relievers would see a save in the month of April for the Rays.  Then Rodney went and got his 3rd save.  Maybe it has something to do with the rule of threes, but yesterday’s save (getting called on to start the inning and pitching perfectly) has me thinking Rodney might get the majority of the saves until he totally Mr. Bungles things.

Jeremy Hellickson – Was hit in the head by a ball during batting practice.  As frequent commenter, Wake Up, said, “So much for being lucky with balls in play.” Initial signs are that he’s okay for his next start, but they took him to the hospital just nicasio.

We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred!  Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall.  Then we take this to 300!  Again, not 300 utility men.  Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility.  Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters.  They don’t allow enough flexibility.  For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings?  You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists.  These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball.  As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included.  Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):

1. Billy Butler – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Look at dem cans!”  (Butler had 11 games at 1st base so he might have eligibility for you there.)  To see Butler’s 2012 projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “And now you’re hamstrung.”  By the tier name I mean this, Ortiz seems like the only Utility-only player that anyone considers drafting.  People draft Butler, but as a 1st baseman.  So when people draft Ortiz, they really are only getting a Utility-only player.  With no hope of getting a 1st baseman from games played during the season.  Now they have no flexibility.  If you have a guy in your Utility spot all year, you’re hamstrung.  BTW, isn’t it interesting how the word utility means something useful, but for fantasy it’s not?  I swear that sounded interesting in my head before I typed it.  Anyhoo!  2012 Projections:  75/27/90/.270

3. Johnny Damon – (Has 16 games in the outfield, so he might have eligibility there.)  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “You are a damn fool if you draft one of these guys.”  Actually, I can see a scenario where drafting one these guys makes sense.  You join a ten team league with you and nine other teams that are just you using different aliases.  I’d then draft Damon for one of the other teams that you’re sandbagging.  When you beat the nine alias sandbagging teams, the girls will be throwing themselves at your feet.  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.265/12

4. Vladimir Guerrero – It’s definitely not the age of the DH, huh?  Somewhere Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave.  Assuming he’s dead.  If he’s not, looking at the current DHs will kill him.  I hope you’re happy, Vlad!  2012 Projections:  35/15/45/.270

5. Hideki Matsui – “Does he have outfield eligibility?  Does he have a current major league team that is going to play him?”  That could also be this tier’s name.  2012 Projections: crap/that/smells/nasty

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  Why are you now patting my butt?  (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan.  Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games.  I just don’t like their announcers.  And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams.  I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts.  He just seems so underappreciated.  No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers:  87/7/36/.259/49

22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it.  You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year.  Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8

23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12

24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year?  I’m like butter with the ER.  Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4

25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining.  2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers:  95/17/61/.279/19

26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline.  Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40

27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps.  Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step?  We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals.  I love Mike Stanton.  Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers:  79/34/87/.262/5

28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping.  Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240.  Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers:  92/15/44/.243/40

29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me.  Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way.  He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well.  Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40

30. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year.  How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya?  And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back!  Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart.  Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year.  So maybe a small boo-ya.  Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7

32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years.  He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers:  83/22/75/.296/2

33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9

34. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything.  Versatile but boring.  Kinda like brown slacks.  I will now call him Markhakis.  Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers:  72/15/73/.284/12

36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player.  You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May.  Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick.  Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers:  69/19/75/.277/13

37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason.  On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19

38. Mark Trumbo – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason.  January Grey, “It was a dark time.”  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers:  89/20/71/.236/22

40. Juan Pierre – Ha!  He was a top 40 outfielder?  Oh, c’mon.  Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable.  He was unownable for huge stretches of the season.  2 homers and 27 steals?  Seriously, c’mon.  I mean, c’mon c’mon.  C’mon!  I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers:  80/2/50/.279/27

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.