We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball. Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred! Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall. Then we take this to 300! Again, not 300 utility men. Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility. Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters. They don’t allow enough flexibility. For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings? You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists. These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball. As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included. Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):
1. Billy Butler – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Look at dem cans!” (Butler had 11 games at 1st base so he might have eligibility for you there.) To see Butler’s 2012 projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.
2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “And now you’re hamstrung.” By the tier name I mean this, Ortiz seems like the only Utility-only player that anyone considers drafting. People draft Butler, but as a 1st baseman. So when people draft Ortiz, they really are only getting a Utility-only player. With no hope of getting a 1st baseman from games played during the season. Now they have no flexibility. If you have a guy in your Utility spot all year, you’re hamstrung. BTW, isn’t it interesting how the word utility means something useful, but for fantasy it’s not? I swear that sounded interesting in my head before I typed it. Anyhoo! 2012 Projections: 75/27/90/.270
3. Johnny Damon – (Has 16 games in the outfield, so he might have eligibility there.) This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the post. I call this tier, “You are a damn fool if you draft one of these guys.” Actually, I can see a scenario where drafting one these guys makes sense. You join a ten team league with you and nine other teams that are just you using different aliases. I’d then draft Damon for one of the other teams that you’re sandbagging. When you beat the nine alias sandbagging teams, the girls will be throwing themselves at your feet. 2012 Projections: 50/12/40/.265/12
4. Vladimir Guerrero – It’s definitely not the age of the DH, huh? Somewhere Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave. Assuming he’s dead. If he’s not, looking at the current DHs will kill him. I hope you’re happy, Vlad! 2012 Projections: 35/15/45/.270
5. Hideki Matsui – “Does he have outfield eligibility? Does he have a current major league team that is going to play him?” That could also be this tier’s name. 2012 Projections: crap/that/smells/nasty
With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps. We meaning me, but I’ll include you. No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand. Why are you now patting my butt? (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings. They’re also to your left… your other left. And down.) The pitching recap will begin next. To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater. I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course. This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight. Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect? No. It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan. Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games. I just don’t like their announcers. And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams. I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts. He just seems so underappreciated. No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere. Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections: 105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers: 87/7/36/.259/49
22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it. You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year. Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections: 85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8
23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections: 85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12
24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year? I’m like butter with the ER. Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections: 75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4
25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining. 2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi. Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections: 90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers: 95/17/61/.279/19
26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline. Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011. Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections: 85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40
27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps. Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step? We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals. I love Mike Stanton. Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections: 70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers: 79/34/87/.262/5
28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping. Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240. Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections: 95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers: 92/15/44/.243/40
29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me. Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way. He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well. Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40
31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year. How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya? And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back! Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart. Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year. So maybe a small boo-ya. Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections: 70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7
32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years. He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed. Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections: 95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers: 83/22/75/.296/2
33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else. Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections: 70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9
35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything. Versatile but boring. Kinda like brown slacks. I will now call him Markhakis. Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections: 85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers: 72/15/73/.284/12
36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player. You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May. Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick. Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections: 40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers: 69/19/75/.277/13
37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason. On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield. On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19
39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason. January Grey, “It was a dark time.” Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections: 75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers: 89/20/71/.236/22
40. Juan Pierre – Ha! He was a top 40 outfielder? Oh, c’mon. Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable. He was unownable for huge stretches of the season. 2 homers and 27 steals? Seriously, c’mon. I mean, c’mon c’mon. C’mon! I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre. Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections: 85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers: 80/2/50/.279/27
With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin. Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st. Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A. It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan. Martin has plus-plus speed. Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings. He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up. If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy. Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months. Let him play the field in a bubble. He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process. I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday. He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on. If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly. He’s looking at me. We got mamihlapinatapai.
Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side. And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.
Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder. After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.
Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago? Yeah, this start was what I wanted. Way to make a guy wait.
Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves. La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you. Now please donate money to PETA. I have bunnies to save.”
Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season. I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers. I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils. Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay. I still don’t trust him. Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year. See, I haven’t worked on them yet.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts. Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.
Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks. Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start. Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!
Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd. She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?
Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER. To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.
Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI. I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs. So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else. It’s a’ight.
Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings. Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks. You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?” Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage? I’d love to, sweetie!” Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer. At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out. The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust. Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever. This headline just writes the joke for you.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer. Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter. He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him. As of right now, he’s not struggling at all. Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat. Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).
Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals. I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust. Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust! That’s next March, April and May Grey. BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.
Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer. Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump? Oh, everyone.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal. I love…Wait, not strong enough. I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags. Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.
Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks. 13 Ks!!!!! Wow!!!
Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense. 13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.
Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers. Really not an awful season. Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great. Follow?
Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.
Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series. In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up. I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits. Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.
Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.
Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness. Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter. Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again. So you bench him and he turns in another gem. Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy. Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again. You bench him and he’s great. You start him and he’s awful. You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex. By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him. Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym. I never want to see him on my team again.
Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity. Then he said Capps is still the closer. I think he just wanted to see some double takes.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo. This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June. Nice to see you return, Bruce.
Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12. The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007). They should adopt Hafner. Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.
Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.” He says he’ll return Thursday.
Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back. I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Aunt Bee would be proud.
Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf. He should return on Friday. Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.
Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR. At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences. I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent. Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76. See, he’s consistent! /sarcasm
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP. And 100 strikeouts. Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.
Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday. Ready to have your mind blown? He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals. Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR. It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall. Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!
Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game. Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.
Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start. Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI. Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year. Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency. Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year. I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out. Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.
Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners. He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup. That’s far from so-so, Moscoso! Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier. But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx. Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal. But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!
Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer. Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats? Or ball shrinking needles?
Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer. I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks. My man Pena is hungry!
Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal. 13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors. He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls. If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.
Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora. Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.
Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion. Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26. It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.
Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball. When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.” What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?
Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday. *giggles like a schoolgirl* Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday. *giggles again* It was his birthday! Man, that is rich. The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17. Not someone important just to rub it in further. Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps. “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.” So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider. My love runs deep for Mr. Snider. Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers. I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!” And that’s me quoting me! I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year. I’d grab him in every league where you need power. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run. The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.
Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend. Well, la di–No, actually that’s good. Grab him if you need power.
Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.
Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain. He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday). On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories. First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time. The category has a committee leader: Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.” Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year. Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room. Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.” Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them. This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category. Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”
Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.
Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week. You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side? Did he steal his toothpick? “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter? My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”
Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games. All brays to Mini Donkey!
Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday. I am Sparkakis! Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade. He’s on pace for a 15/15 season. I give that a small yay.
Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games. For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot. If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards. Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam! He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances. Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.
Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).
Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile. Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask. I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.
Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K. Having a better season than Zack Greinke. Fantasy baseball: helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.
Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks. I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.
Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9. Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.
Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago. If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…
Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade. Someone’s enjoying their new environs. If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer. BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall. Oh, no, CartGo. Gasp! Shudder. Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh. However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.
Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy. He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.
Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year. Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save. Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now. Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.” If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.
Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.
Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far. If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.
Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER. He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins. Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch? Doesn’t seem uber possible. I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones. He’s unstartable right now everywhere.
Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad. His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”
