Fantasy Baseball Advice

With two home runs yesterday, Ryan Braun is up to 20 HRs. Not sure I mentioned this before, but I traded for The Hebrew Hammer a couple of weeks ago. (If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!) I traded Carl Crawford for Braun. Rudy called me all kinds of names about this one. Topped with, “I’d say you’ve sunk to a new low but trading Verlander to (so-and-so) for Street (two years ago) when (so-and-so) was 3 starts away from being maxed out was the lowest…” Honestly, I enjoy pissing off my friends at fantasy baseball, but I wasn’t sure why Rudy was mad about this one. I mean, Crawford for Braun is fair, no? Well, turns out the team I traded Crawford to didn’t need steals. Know what? I don’t care. The team’s owner has been playing with us for a long time. He’s proven himself a worthy adversary. If he wants to trade for more steals while sporting Reyes, Pierre and Bourn, it’s his prerogative. (I don’t need permission to make my fantasy baseball decisions….It’s my prerogative…) So does this mean I suddenly endorse Braun? I placed him 22 overall; I never didn’t endorse him (sorry, double negatives hurt my brain, too). I just thought Braun was going too high. Well, on that team, I needed power because Hafner was a have-not, so I went out and got Braun. Am I suddenly down on Crawford? I am starting to think the power may never come and I’m not a huge fan of speed only guys, so there’s that. The lesson that should be taken away? Every player has a place on some team. Except Ryan Zimmerman. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chase Headley - Watched him bat three times yesterday. Saw nothing that exciting. Seems like he likes to take a pitch even if it means striking out. Reminded me of Jeremy Hermida in this respect. This was one game; this is by no means a ‘pert evaluation.

Manny Parra - 7 shutout innings, 5/4 K/BB. Confidence level looks like it’s climbing. (I don’t know what that means. I heard Bill Schroeder say it and Bill Schroeder is a knowledgeable color man.) Know what helps a confidence level? Pitching against the Blue Jays.

Jose Reyes -Left with what Jose Mota (not Molina) deemed a minor injury. Word from a different (more reliable) source is he might have strained a hamstring. Ugh… *sticking head in oven*

Brad Penny - Hit the DL yesterday. Here’s what Alyssa Milano’s MLB blog update said today, “I told him to stop eating all of those fried foods and late nite meals at Mel’s Diner. When I was preparing for the roll (sic) of Charlotte Wells in Embrace of the Vampire, I ate only soba noodles for 2 months straight! Do u think I wanted to eat so much soba noodles? Well, actually…. Yeah! I did! (Wouldn’t u?) But even if I thought soba noodles tasted gross, I’d still ate (sic) them if I thought they’d help me stay in shape. BTW, I wasn’t the one who gave you herpes! L8 and <3″

Chad Billingsley - I want to draft Billingsley right now for 2009, 2010 and 2011 with an option for 2012. In the same blog entry, Alyssa Milano said this about Billingsley, “Blame Penny for the herpes. Sorry! L8 and <3 * 2″

Johnny Cueto - Not sure why his Ks are so down. Might have something to do with scouting reports, but I think it’s more to do with him falling behind and going for contact. There’s also a strong chance that Dusty Baker is somehow responsible. Dusty, “Cueto, I will throw you in back-to-back games for the ‘mainder of the season if you try to strike people out. I’m not joking. Call up Mark Prior, he will tell you.”

Brandon Webb - Going through what the people in the biz call, “a dead arm period.” If this period is anything like my girlfriend’s, it’s best to act like he’s fine and NOT bloated.

Justin Duchscherer - Of course, Dook-sheer pitched well. Apparently, that’s what Dook-Sheer do. Needed only 94 pitches to get through 8 innings.

Jeff Clement - The Mariners called him up, so he got in the game, right? Nope. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Seattle Mariners!

Brandon Morrow - Making the best of the opportunity, converted a save with a perfect ninth. Putz hadn’t pitched a perfect inning in June.

Ian Snell - Snell got O-Cab to ground out to open the game. The rest didn’t look so good.

Carlos Quentin - Batting .170 in June. Where’s April/May Carlos? We want him back.

Livan Hernandez - Movie trailer guy, “In a world where Livan Hernandez looks like a good replacement for Johan Santana… He’ll baffle you with his eephus! He’ll take his time with each pitch! He’ll avoid the foul line when walking off the field! George Lopez is Livan Hernandez!”

Brandon Lyon - Kazaam’d up the joint for 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning.

Mike Jacobs hit two home runs yesterday. Baseball Tonight’s Chris Singleton said Jacobs could hit “a lot” of home runs if he stayed healthy. You know what? Singleton has “a lot” of insight. Funny thing happened on the way to June, Mike Jacobs has thirteen home runs. More than Fielder, Tex, Morneau, Pena and Miguel Cabrera. Now I’m not saying Jacobs will be more valuable than these guys, but Jacobs is way more affordable in a trade. He’s a lot like Carlos Pena in ‘07. Both showed power, but lacked consistency and health. Poor average — check. Clouds of doubt about what they’ll be worth at the end of the year — check, check. Both playing in front of near capacity crowds (for a WNBA game) — check. Pena’s last year owners can also attest that if you own him, you’re better off holding onto him, cause you’ll never get value for him. But if you don’t own him, he’ll cost a lot less than the big boys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Homer Bailey - About to be called up. Remember when he was their most hyped prospect? Since then, Bruce and Votto have had great starts, they acquire Volquez, and Cueto has a spot in the rotation. Don’t expect much from Bailey. He doesn’t really deserve the call-up as he hasn’t corrected his biggest flaw - wildness. He walked 29 in 66 IP at Triple-A. For Bailey’s sake, we hope the expectations are set closer to Fogg than Volquez.

Mark Prior - Shoulder surgery for Prior causing him to miss the rest of the season. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.

Tim Hudson - I was watching the game when he left with his leg injury. It didn’t look that bad, but then again I get these rashes on my leg and I’ve diagnosed myself as having The African Gong-Gong Disease and prescribed myself a wet towelie and two Little Orphan Orange Otter Pops, so I may not be the best person to ask. Leg problems will probably shelve him for a week. Best case scenario, he misses two starts and returns fine. Worst case, he returns too soon and really messes things up by favoring his injured leg. This is some Trapper John, M.D. suspense!

Brain Bannister - One run in 7+ IP. He looks like a good guy to not pick up in mixed leagues.

Troy Glaus - Hit a HR yesterday. LaRussa says Glaus is going to start hitting more home runs now that the weather is heating up. What you need to ask yourself, is this sober LaRussa talking or drunk LaRussa? I think it’s sober LaRussa.

Ian Snell - If you have him still in your lineup, I’m assuming there was a death in the family and you haven’t check your team in a while. Or you’re just dopey. Either way, my condolences.

Nate McLouth - Ended May with a .279 average. That’s a better representation than April’s .330. Maybe Karabell’s intern misread his refrigerator magnets.

Chase Utley - 20th HR/6th steal. I picked him for NL MVP, so I obviously believe. He’s also one of the few guys that I don’t have on any team, but still can’t root against. Take that schadenfreude (Word of the Day)!

Shawn Hill - Gave up an ill-timed home run to… Who am I kidding? No one cares what Shawn Hill did yesterday.

Chad Tracy - Batting fourth, hitting his second home run three days. CoJack will be out at least a week with a quad strain.

JR Towles - Batting .145 with five hits in all of May.

Bartolo Colon - Now 3-0. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff…. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Alexei Ramirez/Alexi Casilla - Both can provide some value if you’re weak at MI. Also, if one of them books two dates on the same night, they could pull the old switcheroo and send the other guy out on one of the dates, which is a lot easier than bringing both dates to the same place and then running back and forth switching outfits ala Alex P. Keaton.

Adrian Gonzalez - I’m not really surprised he’s still hitting bombs, but I’d like to see him hit them in July and August.

Carlos Beltran - HRs in 2 straight games to boost his season total to 7. If you invested a top pick in him, you’ve got to be hoping this is the start of one of his streaks.

Johnny Cueto - I said I wouldn’t write about him again until he proved himself. Well, 5 IP of no-hit ball pulled me back in, but he’s still giving up fly balls (10) and not making enough people miss (3). Love the upside, but don’t get too excited. Worth holding onto, but don’t be afraid to bench him if the matchup is bad.

JJ Putz - Another horrendous night. 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning. Who does he think he is - Carlos Silva?

Ryan Church - Hit a home run after returning from his concussion. Talking about the concussion, Church had this to say, “I really know how Snuka felt after that Piper’s Pit.”

How is it that the more money you make, the more money is guaranteed? You don’t see anyone tying someone up with a contract to wait tables at The Cheesecake Factory for $10/hour for six months. Even if they go four weeks without spilling a tray and have what is deemed a “career month!” There’s no Olive Garden Out Clause. There’s no guaranteed Buffalo Chicken Salad Lunch Clause. There’s no free travel. Most times there’s no free parking. There’s no free translator for bus boys. Granted, the bus boys don’t conduct too many interviews where a translator might be need, but still. So why when someone has a career year are they then given $30 million? I’ve met Byrnes’s agent. He’s not that smooth. (Sorry, Mike!) I don’t think even the most novice fantasy baseball owner fell for Byrnes’s 2007. But the D-backs sure did. /rant BTW, Byrnes hit the DL yesterday.  Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Jay Bruce - Not a bad… *pinkie to mouth* intro’brucing. Now if I may acronymize Bruce properly, JB looks better than JC, but not as good as JV. As long as DB continues to start him over CP, we’ll be OK.

Ian Stewart - It’s impossible to say Ian Stewart without using a Sean Connery accent. My name is Ee-yon Shtew-art. Well, Ee-yon Shtew-art started yesterday at 2nd Base. I’m pretty sure if he gets 2nd base eligibility he’s going to be better than your 2nd basemen or at least MI. Or not, but he’s definitely worth a look if he has 2nd base eligibility.

Johnny Cueto - This is the last update for JC until he pitches well again. Cueto and I are on a break. I see no reason to update everyone on his struggles. You think Kershaw’s going to be unhittable? Look at Parra, Cueto and Volquez. You got one out of three and Volquez has a WHIP and a history of wildness that says his success won’t continue. Grab Kershaw off of waivers then trade him immediately for a piece that you need.

Ian Snell - What the Snell! Snell, the Funky Homosapien wasn’t even (Snell) close on a lot of his pitches. I wouldn’t start him right now in a 32 deep NL-Only league. Snell ya later, Ian.

Sean Gallagher - Not only is he pitching better than Rich Hill (1 ER & 4H in 7 IP), but he’s a better guy in the clubhouse. Nothing loosens up a team like a mallet to a watermelon.

Tim Hudson - Rudy and I disagreed on Hudson’s worth. I say he’s a solid #2 with plus ERA, WHIP, Wins and minus Ks. Rudy calls Hudson a solid #3. Tomato-whatever, Hudson’s on a lot of my teams and he’s more valuable on my team than he is in a trade. So there.

Franklin Gutierrez - The Big FraGu hit a grand slam yesterday.

Ben Francisco - I mentioned him a bunch when he first got called up saying he could go 15/15. (And that’s me paraphrasing myself!) Now Francisco is batting third because he’s the only one consistently hitting on the Indians team. If he continues to hit and the Indians get hot, he could stay in the three hole for a while. These are all hypotheticals, of course. But you just never know. Full disclosure: I dropped Griffey from one team for Francisco.

Ryan Spilborghs - Batting fifth. Another home run. I guess you don’t need that.

Josh Hamilton - You sniff blow? Hell no, I got my whole season ahead of me, no time to be sniffin’. If Kinsler finds out, then he’ll start riffin’.

Jason Giambi - Up to ten home runs and .238. Jeremy Giambi up to no good. The Super Giambi Bros. are plumbers and they have to save the princess. And here’s Cousin Oliver Giambi playing the theme song.

Shawn Hill - Thank God (for me), Hill decided to give up nine runners in three innings against the Padres. I wouldn’t be surprised to find Hill on the DL by next week, but ya know I like him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka - Left after 4 innings (and no BB?!?!) with an injury to his side. Looks like someone skipped his pre-game calisthenics. No word yet on the severity of the injury. If Dice-K goes to the DL, Clay Buchholz will rejoin the rotation.

Matt Diaz - Die-as to the Dee-eL. Maybe he’ll return with a newfound vigor. He sure won’t be returning to my team.

AJ Burnett - Just like his mom Carol, he loves to put on a variety show. You like K’s. You got it. You like 2 out rallies started by the #9 hitter. Can do.

Ervin Santana - A gem of a game. 9 IP. 3 base runners. 7 Ks. Somehow the Angels managed to score a whooping 3 runs for the win. While his last 3 starts were ugly on the ERA, his K’s remained (19 in 3 games). I’ll take Santana over Saunders or Garland.

Tim Lincecum - Now 7-1. On the Giants. How awkward must it be between him and Zito? Barry, don’t worry about it. I’m lucky. They give me more run support. Yeah, that’s the reason. You’re so much better than me at making hitters put the ball in play.

Braden Looper - 7 ER in 4 1/3 IP. Think of a word that rhymes with Looper and it describes his performances. Betcha it isn’t super.

Julio Lugo - Was ejected arguing balls and strikes. As anyone who has ever dated a Catholic can tell you, you can’t argue your way to first.

Nick Blackburn - Not a lot of K’s (4.5/9 IP), not a lot of BB (1.5/9 IP). If you were Minnesota dreamin’ for Brad Radke, look no further.

Mariano Rivera - 22 IP, 1 W, 12 SV, 20 Ks, 1 Earned Run, 1 Walk. We’re speechless.

NY Mets - Yeah, it’s all Willie Randolph’s fault. Here’s the 5th to 8th hitters yesterday for the Mets: 1B Damion Easley, RF Fernando Tatis, C Ramon Castro, LF Nick Evans. Too bad they couldn’t work in Brian Schneider. Great GM-work Omar Minaya. Mets fans, stop riding the Yankee 2b of our childhood. Willie’s got a great ’stache! Oh, one more note. Minaya once traded Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips, and Cliff Lee for Bartolo Colon. Good thing Minaya wasn’t around a couple years ago. He would’ve traded Reyes and Wright to the Orioles for Sidney Ponson and a pulled pork sandwich from Boog’s BBQ in right field, which would’ve been promptly eaten by Sidney Ponson. Case closed!

Straight from Girardi, “The process has started, converting Joba to a starter, and tonight was the first [step] of extending him a little bit and we’ll continue to do it, getting him up to where he can throw enough pitches.” The Yanks stretching out Joba to get him ready to start by pitching 2 innings in a blowout? Sounds like the line of every Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes start. I hear Joba’s also been seen fist pumping in the bullpen building up his exuberance stamina. Personally, I don’t have him on one team, but I can’t wait to see what he can do over 6 innings. And by six innings, I mean maybe 7 innings, but he’s not going to be throwing over 100 pitches until the Yankees lose in the playoffs. So what kind of numbers can we predict for him? I’d give him basically the same line he would’ve had if he stayed in middle relief with a chance for more wins and probably a higher ERA. So 120 IP/8 Wins/4.00 ERA/1.25 WHIP/110 Ks or just think Lincecum last year. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Salomon Torres - Saves vultures, swoop there it is. Wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. Whoomp chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chak a (repeat 4 times) (BTW, I took poetic license by leaving the accent off derriere. I thought DC, the Brain Supreme, would’ve wanted it that way. And, if you’re out there Tag Team, I’m still waiting for the follow-up. Fo’ real!) Salomon Torres was a serviceable closer on the Pirates until overworked by Tracy and then he got All About Eve’d by Capps, but Torres could take the closing job for two months and run with it. What, you don’t like saves?

John Smoltz - He’s due to return within the next week. I’ve already covered this ground, but if you don’t need a closer, you should be moving him prior to him returning.

Jair Jurrjens - I’m going to Curacao to visit Jurrjens’s birthplace and where he learned to throw so magnificently. Who’s with me?!

Ryan Howard - I think he’ll have the most home runs going into the All-Star break. I know, not a huge limb, but what if I said this last week? See what I mean about getting guys when they are seemingly crizzappy?

Jeff Francoeur -  A home run and four RBIs. Again, buy low, sell high. School’s Out, Alice Cooper.

Moises Alou - Left yesterday’s game with a leg cramp then went in the locker room and peed on it.

Dana Eveland - He pitched a 3-hit gem for the A’s against the 1st place Devil Rays. Look out for newly expanded editions of Moneyball for Christmas!

Cody Ross - You think whenever he has to put his last name first he confuses which one is which?

Brandon Webb - Brandon Webb loses in Florida. East coast old people heckle him with, “Suck on a lemon,” West Coast retirees mutter “Fiddlesticks.”

Al Reyes - Speaking of retirees, Troy Percival is feeling tightness in his hamstring.

Johnny Cueto - I’ve been one of the biggest Cueto apologists, so I could sit here and tell you it was windy and the Dodgers scored on a wild pitch, a passed ball, a squeeze and a pickoff that was thrown away, but tonight Cueto didn’t have his control and he looked severely rattled. The resin bag didn’t make you throw the ball away, Cueto. What I did enjoy in this game was Vin Scully. I don’t want to get all mushy here, but when he kicks the bucket, I’m going to be sad. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx him. Keep on, keepin’ on, Scully!

Chris Young - Pujols hit a liner back at him and broke his nose. If Young would’ve ducked, it probably would’ve been a home run.

Jarrod Washburn - He made Rudy’s night with a Razzterful line of 2.1 IP with 9 ER and 12H. That’s a 34.71 ERA and 5.14 WHIP.

Sidney Ponson/Bartolo Colon - Sidney Ponson and Bartolo Colon both won last night. Jake Peavy is on the DL. Jake = 0, Fatman = 2

Alex Rodriguez/Chipper Jones/Milton Bradley - Arod’s hitting home runs, Chipper Jones is leaving because of injuries and Milton Bradley is leaving games because of ejections. All seems right in the baseball world.

Jack Cust - 4 at-bats. 2 home runs. 2 strikeouts. I bet he grew up masturbating to Jim Thome.

It’s with no regret that I announce (Well, I’m not exactly announcing it. The Brewers are, but bear with me.) that Eric Gagne is no longer the closer. Officially, the Brewers say it’s a mental break. I say, it’s a “You can’t take steroids anymore and the Brewers should’ve never acquired him in the first place” break. On Friday, I told you I think Salomon Torres will walk away with a large chunk of saves. If he’s gone, as a speculation on Gagne’s replacement, you have to grab Mota or Riske. Grab everyone basically, even Shouse, if you need saves. I think Gagne will be eventually back closing for the Brewers and he’ll get five or six more saves before he undoubtably needs another mental break. Guess now he’ll have time to tuck in his shirt. Anyway, here’s what else I (and others) saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - I missed the Mets game because I was hungover and needed to submerge my head into a tub of ice. So I put Rudy on the case, here’s what he said over IM, “Castillo got a gift triple in the first which led to 3 runs, but they were crushing Cueto in the first 2 IP. Then 2 innings were fine. Then a bullshit infield single for Castillo. K’d Wright. Then hung a curve that Beltran hit into orbit. No great story other than Cueto’s stuff is good, but remains a risky bet. I wish I traded him to you instead of Zach Attack. Parra’s unstartable, but I’m starting Cueto outside of Colorado. BTW, you’re the greatest writer in the history of blogs. In fact, blogs should be renamed to Glegs, which is a portmanteau (Word of the Day).”  Thanks, Rudy.

Brian Bannister - I was vomiting blood during this game, so I turned to my Uncle Yitz, who lives in KC, “Bannister is luckier than a blind man in a braille store.” Thanks, Uncle Yitz.

Carl Crawford - Blood turned to phlegm so I let Momma Grey write this one for Mother’s Day, “Carl who? Is that our mailman?” “Maybe you’re thinking of Karl Malone.” “Karl Malone is our mailman’s name?” Thanks, Mom! I still believe Crawford gets over 20 home runs and I’d trade for ‘our mailman’ in a second.

Ryan Braun - Everyone’s well aware of my stance on Braun, but he did hit two home runs yesterday. I say sell, but you do what you do.

Shawn Hill - Still not getting Ks or Ws like I’d want, but in deep leagues, you can do a lot worse. Actually, in shallow leagues you could do worse.

Khalil Greene - Been a buy low candidate for me for about a month. He is what he is, which is 25 home runs. If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy KG.

Santiago Casilla - Finally gave up some runs, but he just got another win. Listen, when it’s time to bail, I’ll give you a heads up, but fantasy baseball is like a craps table. When the table’s hot, ride the effin’ table. When the table’s cold, go to a strip club.

Jonathan Broxton - I know you want to drop him quickfast. I think that’s being too reactionary. He recently had problems with his lat muscle, so he might not be himself. Bench him for a few days to see if yesterday’s outing was a one time bludgeoning or if you need to do a mercy killing.

Justin Speier - Not sure if anyone’s on this train wreck, but you need to get off, you ain’t ‘Unbreakable.’

Ervin Santana - Missed this game because my girlfriend was administering an IV, but his final line surprises me less than his first month of stats, if that makes sense — sweet!

Dan Uggla - If he hits forty, he’s worth the average. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. BTW, missed this game because I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Nick Blackburn - Returned from the hospital in time to see this game. Honestly, I’m not buying into this guy. He seems usable with the right match-ups, but not on any of my teams. Not right now. Now I’m going to down an aspirin, a Bloody Mary and a ‘lude and hope this hangover goes away. Remind me not to drink again.