Real talk:  is there some kind of unwritten law that the first year a new baseball commissioner takes over he’s allowed to institute juiced baseballs?  Is Our Commissioner Manfred sticking Capri Sun straws in baseballs across the league?  Does he have someone else do the actual juicing?  When Bud Selig told Manfred that he could juice the baseballs did he finish by doffing his toupee?  Does Manfred own Dozier in fantasy?  I got questions, y’all!  Yesterday, the Pirates added five more homers to MLB’s bottom line:  Sean Rodriguez (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) with his 14th homer; Jordache Mercer (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 11th; John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt (1-for-4) his his 6th, but the real damage was done by The Undread Pirate, Andrew McCutchen (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) with his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .250.  McCutchen got old real fast in every conceivable way over the last two years.  His BABIP fell faster than a 40-year-old on the Cheesecake Factory Diet, his Ks shot up like he’s Danny Glover and he “ain’t got time” for walks and his steals dried up quicker than Cougs’ cactus.  An actual cactus she bought at the supermarket and forgot to water over the course of three years.  What did you think I meant?  Oh c’mon!  All of that for McCutchen who is still only 29 years old!  I’m beginning to think he’s 29 years old like Debra Winger’s listed as 29 years old on her headshot.  In 2017, I think McCutchen won’t be drafted anywhere near where he’s been in the last two years.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him fall to the 75 to 100 range, which might actually reverse his fortunes and make him a value play again.  Except for those that drafted Carlos Gomez this year, they’re not falling for the ol’ banana in the tailpipe again.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m being honest here when I say I don’t think you can stop Gary Sanchez.  Someone needs some breaking pitches and chloroform.  It’s a sequel, The Sanchize II:  Homers > Butt Fumbles.  Trivia:  Gary, Indiana is the birthplace of the Jacksons; Gary Sanchez is a Thriller that Ben making balls Beat It, since Imma sing on a song that Michael sung.  Yesterday, Chez Gary went 2-for-3 with his 9th homer in only his 19th game, as he hits .389.  He has 9 homers in 19 games.  Now is when you cackle deliriously.  Paranoid cause you’re a son like Elroy.  You’d be happy as hell if Sanchez was the real deal.  Please, tell me it’s not Maas appeal.  He had 10 homers in 71 games in Triple-A, so I’m all for the hype, but thinking he’s going to be a top 3 catcher in 2017 might be a bit much due to three weeks of play.  There’s no leagues where I wouldn’t own him right now, even if that meant starting him at utility.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hey, hey my over the internet degenerates! It’s Sunday so that means your good buddy Honcho is here to bless you with the best DFS suggestions in the free world…..and Canada, of course. Anyway…..How are things on the west coast? I hear you’re moving real fine. At least that’s what Clint Hurdle wants us to believe. That’s why he’s offering up Chad Kuhl for our DraftKings pleasure today. Now, before you click out of this article because you think I’m bat s**t crazy, please hear me out. This is purely a tournament play. I like to really pivot away from the herd when I’m trying to strike it big in a GPP and this play qualifies as a major jab step. Kuhl represents a sizeable discount ($6,600) as far as a 2nd starter is concerned and with that kind of value we can apply the savings to a top tier arm or a couple big bats. In his last start, Kuhl recorded four strikeouts in six innings of work, while giving up just 2 runs. He did a great job of keeping the ball down in the zone – inducing ten ground outs compared to just four fly outs. In fact, Pittsburgh has won all five games that Kuhl has started this season – including games against the Cubs and Nationals. The Pirates’ right-hander isn’t Cy Young worthy, but he can be an effective pitcher in the right spot. Now, it could be my keen intuition or the 15 Zima’s I’ve slammed while writing this, but Sunday afternoon in Chavez Ravine seems to be one of those spots. The Dodgers are striking out at a 21% clip this year and their .313 wOBA ranks just 20th in all of baseball. Kuhl has made just two starts on the road this season, but he carries a 1.50 ERA and 0.67 WHIP away from home, so we have that to lean on. Again, this is a dart that you’ll only want to throw if you’re trying to win some simoleons in a tournament. It’s worth a shot and no matter what happens, I’ll still be the best friend you’ve never met. Here’s a look at my favorite suggestions for today’s slate:

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 15th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t usually mention pitchers in Coors.  Even rarer still that I mention pitchers filled with Coors.  Most pitchers with Coors are piss-poor.  That’s for every definition of Coors and pitchers.  Now, let’s look at the definition of belch.  To eject gas spasmodically, to eruct.  If erect is good, Coors definitely makes me eruct.  A pitcher that throws gas in Coors usually has spastic eructions.  Talk about slightly off sexy talk.  A phone sex operator should mess with a customer and say, “I want your spastic eruction all over me.”  “Did you just say you want me to belch on you?”  Yesterday, Tyler Anderson went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.04.  His peripherals agree, he’s not getting by on smoke and mirrors like some children’s magician.  He has a 7.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9 and a 3.41 xFIP.  Not an ace, but a safe number two, similar numbers to, say, Kyle Hendricks.  We need to put aside our aversion to Rockies pitchers and throw our hat in the ring for Merry Tyler Coors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re not familiar with Sia, then I encourage you to take a minute and enjoy her golden voice. If you’re still not convinced then I feel bad for you, cause she got Heidi Klum to star in this video Fire Meets Gasoline. Sorry I couldn’t edit the dude out, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity of sharing my German crush that’s even hotter than my last name. Yes, Heater really is my last name and I’m banking on Jose Fernandez, $12,800 vs SF & Kevin Gausman, $8,500 at OAK to ignite our DK lineups even hotter than that clip, so we can cash in tonight. J-Fer’s splits are well documented, but I did the old stop short when I actually looked them up. Check this shizz out (that way you can come to your own conclusions) 113 Ks in 76.2 innings to go along with a 2.11 ERA and a 9-2 record vs 79 Ks in 55 innings with a 3.93 ERA and a 3-4 record. Yeah, dude is hotter than the girls wearing bikinis on Beachfront Avenue when he takes the mound in Miami, he’s straight FIRE. Fire definitely needs some Gausoline to make it go boom and our boy Gausman is primed with a great matchup in the friendly confines of the O.co Coliseum. Oakland’s offense has been the worst AL team at home when it comes to scoring and with a flame throwing righty on the mound that trend will continue tonight. Gausman has been roughed up this year being in the AL Beast, but he’ll feast on his AL West opponent tonight with at least 7 Ks and he’ll offense will do the rest to get him the win.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s a very scary thought to pick the two highest priced pitchers on DraftKings, but that’s just what to do today. If you’re afraid of us having to fill out the remainders of our lineup with players from the likes of the Flying Squirrels and the Muckdogs, you aren’t far off. However, on this day it will be worth it, as both aces I’m asking you to pick, Johnny Cueto and Jose Fernandez, are the best we have to offer.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 1st to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to ourDFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them.  The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something.  Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms.  The most surprising thing in this story:  the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors.  After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock.  The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform.  At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek.  In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey.  That shizz was offensive!”  For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox.  That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach.  Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The other day the Astros signed the coveted Cuban refugee, Yulieski Gourriel.  One time!  Yulieski is as apple pie as a Canadian tenor group making a political statement during the All-Star Game.  He’s 32 years old.  If he went by YuGo, that would make him the newest car in Cuba.  “Bueno Model T, amigo!  Now, tell me about this Ford Taurus I hear so much about.”  You know who a 32-year-old Cuban immediately reminds me of?  Hector Olivera and Alex Guerrero.  Sloppy comparison maybe.  Hey, that gives me an idea.  Whenever doing a sloppy comparison between players who just happen to be Cuban, we should call them Sloppy Jose’s.  We need a similar term for when making a sloppy comparison between Japanese players; please suggest in the comments.  As for Gourriel, yeah, I don’t see much here.  I watched video of him, and he looks like a 15 HR, 6 SB, .260 hitter, which is Hector Olivera.  I’m sorry, but those Sloppy Joses make sense sometimes.  This Gourriel signing obviously delays Bregman’s arrival, so boo, you mothereffer, boo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Wednesday I gave you my second half projections for hitters. At the request of a commenter I have decided to see what I can come up with for starting pitchers. While projections are a slippery slope, I going to give it the old college try anyway. I’ve come to realize that you really can’t be wrong when making projections. It’s impossible to be right, so by process of elimination, how can I be wrong. Anyone follow that absolutely twisted logic? Me neither.

As I did with my hitter projections, I have merged my weighted preseason projections with weighted year-to-date stats to generate rest of season projections. Hocus-pocus. Abracadabra. I present my second half visions.

Given standard points systems do you have any guesses who might be projected to score the most points in the second half. Despite currently being on the disabled list, Clayton Kershaw still manages to come out on top. Kershaw is in line for another 334 points. Obviously this is all predicated on him making a quick return to action. The longer he’s out, the less points he will score. But then again, that’s basic math. Or is it just common sense?

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Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them!  Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post.  Here, enjoy some coffee.  Oops, you just drank rat poison.  Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Chris Archer in the 1st half.  Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison!  Now, I’m following!   Hey, I’m supposed to be leading!  Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2016 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up!  But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest!  So, as with all of the other 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt.  If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman.  Also, things change in fantasy baseball.  Daily.  I could put Bryce Harper number two on the top 100 list for the second half of 2016 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Bryce.  Why soil a good thing, ya know?  This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued.  It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache.  This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today.  So while David Price did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe.  The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2016.  I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do.  It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone.  Welcome to the future!  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2016:

Please, blog, may I have some more?