Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day?  I don’t know what to do with myself!  Yesterday, I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Mike Stanton for 2012.  We’ve gone over the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters.  There’s only one of these godforsaken recap posts left before we’re into 2012 fantasy shizz.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Madison Bumgarner – Trying to find some info that hasn’t been reported before, I decided to look at some of Bumgarner’s splits vs. his NL West opponents.  I figured he would’ve dominated them and I was going to conclude Giants pitchers are can’t misses because of their most-faced opponents.  Against the Padres (4.24 ERA in 23 1/3 IP), Dodgers (4.11 in 30 2/3 IP!) and Arizona (4.26 in 12 2/3 IP) — hey, metaphorical window, how about you open so I can throw a theory out?  Preseason Rank #46, 2011 Projections: 12-7/3.60/1.25/140, Final Numbers:  13-13/3.21/1.21/191

22. Daniel Hudson – I had so much love for Hudson in the preseason that he kinda needed to compete for the Cy Young to please me.  Instead, he produced respectable numbers but disappointed in the one category that gives me the goose pimples — Ks.  His K-rate dropped from 7.93 to 6.85.  Mr. Obvious, “Yeah, that’s not good.”  Preseason Rank #34, 2011 Projections: 12-9/3.50/1.18/190, Final Numbers:  16-12/3.49/1.20/169

23. Hiroki Kuroda – Definitely the Rodney Dangerfield of major league starters.  Kuroda could’ve been coming off 5 solid starts and I’d have people asking me in the comments if they should hold him.   Hold him, squeeze him, love him.  On an unrelated note, what if Chazz Palminteri became Chastity Palminteri?  Or Chazz Face-Palminteri?  Preseason Rank #39, 2011 Projections: 12-9/3.45/1.18/140, Final Numbers:  13-16/3.07/1.21/161

24. Johnny Cueto – I played a broken record during the season about how Cueto wasn’t a sub-2.50 ERA pitcher.  Not going to play that tune again.  Everyone who owned him got lucky.  Let’s leave it at that.  Preseason Rank #42, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.65/1.26/160, Final Numbers:  9-5/2.31/1.09/104

25. Jeremy Hellickson – Member what I said about Cueto?  No?  I just said it Mr. Short-Term Memory.  He got lucky.  Yeah, Hellickson did too.  In a huge way.  2.95 ERA vs. 4.72 xFIP and a 5.57 K-rate.  Can anyone say Blechellickson?  Sure, you can.  It’s Hellickson with a Blec.  Preseason Rank #64, 2011 Projections:  9-5/3.60/1.10/140, Final Numbers:  13-10/2.95/1.15/117

26. Ryan Vogelsong – As will be a recurring theme that won’t emerge until January of 2012, just about all of the pitchers that ended up in this top 40 that were unranked, I won’t like next year.  Except Pineda.  Vogelsong left a bunch of men on base, walked hitters, didn’t strike out guys… He looked like a fantasy number two but he’s really a four to five.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-7/2.71/1.25/139

27. Shaun Marcum – Tale of two pitchers with Marcum and Greinke.  I liked both of them in the preseason and they both produced, but I still felt disappointed by their end of the year numbers.  Hmm, that’s not really a tale.  With Marcum, I gave some lofty expectations, telling you he was going to start the All-Star Game.  Yeah, that turned out as bonkers as it sounded even at the time.  I thought Marcum could step up his K-rate in the NL, instead it took a small step backwards and we were actually lucky to get the ERA we did get.  It worked out; it could’ve easily backfired.  Preseason Rank #33, 2011 Projections: 15-8/3.35/1.15/185, Final Numbers:  13-7/3.54/1.16/158

28. Zack Greinke – He had a 10.54 K/9 and a 2.56 xFIP.  Who are you, Ricky Nolasco?  How dare you try to confuse Murray Chass!   Or Murray Chass Bono.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 15-9/3.50/1.18/200, Final Numbers:  16-6/3.83/1.20/201

29. Jon Lester – One of the biggest disappointments, but at least he wasn’t Liriano.  And you were wondering how long it would be until I mentioned Liriano.  Hey, at least I didn’t mention Morneau.  Oh, wait.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 17-9/3.30/1.18/220, Final Numbers: 15-9/3.47/1.26/182

30. Ervin Santana – One of my misses in the preseason.  I was done with him going into 2011 because of his yawnstipating 2010 and 2009.  Now not to turn every square peg into a round one, I wasn’t totally wrong on Ervin.  He outperformed his xFIP (3.93) by a decent amount.  He did produce more ground balls and upped his K-rate ever so slightly.  All in all or some other idiomatic phrase, Ervin gave us some magic.   Preseason Rank #51, 2011 Projections: 13-10/4.30/1.32/150, Final Numbers:  11-12/3.38/1.22/178

31. Gio Gonzalez – In my tier of guys I kinda love for a third starter, there was Marcum, Daniel Hudson, Gio Gonzalez and Volquez.  To one-up Meatloaf, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.  Seriously, everyone talks about how pitchers aren’t predictable, but I do a pretty good job of picking them out.  BTW, this kinda made me laugh, in the preseason I said, “(Gio) went 13 innings over the 30 inning Verducci threshold last year, but Verducci’s a crackpot who told you to avoid F-Her, Latos and Josh Johnson in 2010.”  Ha, Verducci.  What a jizzie-joke.  I wonder if he puts all pitchers under 25 years old on a dart board, or if he puts a picture of the pitcher on the dart and sees if he can hit the board.  Preseason Rank #35, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.60/1.28/195, Final Numbers:  16-12/3.12/1.32/197

32. Javier Vazquez – Then in my tier of guys I kinda l0ve as my fourth starter were Vazquez, Garza, Zimmermann, Hellickson and James McDonald.  Quite a few hits in there too.  Yeah, I did like Vazquez last preseason only to have Rudy badger me to drop him in our 12-team NL-Only league.  A league where middle relievers were owned, forget about finding a starter with a rotation job.  Fongool my life.  Preseason Rank #61, 2011 Projections: 12-10/3.75/1.25/170, Final Numbers:  13-11/3.69/1.18/162

33. Mat Latos – On the Verducci list this year was Latos, Bumgarner, Price, Beachy and Gio Gonzalez.  One of my favorite parts of the offseason is hearing how he justifies the previous year’s misses.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections: 9-7/3.50/1.10/160, Final Numbers:  9-14/3.47/1.18/185

34. Kyle Lohse – I would’ve had a hard time picking up Lohse in September even after he had 5 solid months.  That’s how much I trust him.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  14-8/3.39/1.17/111

35. Matt Garza – He was in my early season difference between ERA and xFIP articles that told you he was going to be much better, then he went ahead and made me look like a genius.  Though I still can’t spell genius without a spellchecker.  Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.75/1.27/165, Final Numbers:  10-10/3.32/1.26/197

36. Alexi Ogando – God, his Ks were terrible.  I know, I know, it’s only one category.  But they’re not.  They’re a category that every other category can hinge on.  Strike guys out and they don’t get on base and it lowers your ERA and WHIP and gives you a chance for Wins.  Sure, there’s other ways pitchers can get hitters out, but they’re not as straightforward.  I like straightforward!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-8/3.51/1.14/126

37. Michael Pineda – Now he struck people out.  I already went over my Michael Pineda 2012 fantasy.  In that article, there’s German women dancing in lederhosen.  BTW, shouldn’t more than one German be Germen?  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  9-10/3.74/1.10/173

38. Justin Masterson – I Cameron Maybin’d Masterson this year.  Was all about him in 2010, but then when I should’ve actually been in on him I Mr. Bungled it.  Though I did recover quickly and ended up with him on some teams because I grabbed him off waivers in April-ish.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  12-10/158/3.21/1.28

39. Cory Luebke – And with a bullet… The first hodgepadre!  Earlier in this post (I think it was this post… Jesus Montero, what am I going on like 1300 words?  Offseason is supposed to be easier for me, crimey a river, Timberlake), I said there’s no unranked pitchers that I will like again next year except Pineda.  Luebke will probably be liked too, depending on January Grey’s mood ring color.  January Grey, “I hocked my mood ring for blow.”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  6-10/3.29/1.07/154

40. Josh Collmenter – Yeah, Collmenter wasn’t that good.  An under 6 K-rate?  As the French say, “Parlez vous crap.”  (The French don’t say that.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  10-10/3.38/1.07/100

Matt Holliday sat out yesterday with a hand-thinga-ma-injury — a tendon or a ligament.  Sounds like he’s going to miss the rest of the season, but for right now he’s only out for four (stutterer!) to five days.  I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna miss….  Matt Holliday.  A .295 average, 1 steal and 22 homers?  You know what that is?  A good season for Andre Ethier.  It’s not a good season for Matt Holliday.  Matt Holliday does more than that.  At least in my mind.  I’m not in your mind so that’s all I have to go on.  On the bright side, this injury didn’t cost a moth their life.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  When it comes to pitchers, the Braves are like a cyclops with a monocle.  I kinda want to own all Braves pitchers in keeper leagues.  Wrap me up in a big ball of Hanson, Minor, Beachy, Delgado, Vizcaino, Teheran and Kimbrel and put me in Leo Mazzone’s lap and rock me to sleep.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 44th save.  Now has 1.73 ERA, 0.99 WHIP and 120 Ks.  Member early in the season when you wanted to drop him?  Oh, you.

Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with a homer.  After his 3-for-4 game on Monday, I was gonna mention how he binges on hits from time to time.  Well, I didn’t, but should’ve.  He’s now 8 for his last 11.  A’la Dave Hester, yuuuuuuuup!

Edwin Jackson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s gonna be in this afternoon’s borderline starter post only because he’s unowned in far too many leagues.  He hasn’t had a bad start in a month and a half.  His season ERA is 3.71.  Gallardo’s ERA is 3.66.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a strained left knee.  Furcal looks like a utility man with more name value, a futility man.

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4, coming a day after a homer.  Sure, his name anagrams to Elder Reek, but you’re not picking up the tab for his Early Bird Specials, you’re just picking him up.

Ben Revere – Stole three bases yesterday, now has 4 steals in the last two games.  Revere, “The steals are coming, the steals are coming!”

Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-3 with a steal.  He hasn’t hit a homer since August 3rd and is three for September, batting .120.  My best edumacated guess is his wrist is bothering him.  His Wrist, “I don’t appreciate the accusation.”

Johnny Cueto – Left yesterday’s game with a strained lat.  On the negative side of things, he’s probably done for the year.  On the bright side, all of his owners avoided his regression the entire season and he ends the year with a 2.31 ERA.  Be fun to watch Murray Chass draft him on all his fantasy teams next year.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 and his first steal.  Okay, I’ll stop with the Francisco love.  It’s like I’m seeing a double rainbow.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.   On a related note, the Reds excite me for next year.  Think about Yonder, Mesoraco, Cozart, Franciso and Frazier with Dusty figuring out how to get Edgar Renteria into the lineup.  If that doesn’t get your blood pumping, check your pulse.  You might be dead, but then I’d wonder how you’re reading this.  Maybe from now on I should address everyone as, “Guys, three girls and one zombie reader.”

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 Ks and the umpire ejected him for grazing Parra’s elbow.  He could throw a bloody ax at Parra and he shouldn’t be ejected when he’s vying for a Cy Young and throwing a one-hitter.  That’s it, all umpires should be replaced with robots.

Matt Wieters – Third straight game with a homer, now has 20 homers.  Do you see how quickly a catcher can make his season palpable?  You Ron Popeil your catcher and set him and forget him.

Jim Johnson – Earned the Orioles 4th straight save.  Okay, I get it; you’re the closer.

Nolan Reimold – Him and Chris Davis both hit a homer yesterday.  The Orioles should trade for Ian Stewart so all my past hopes and dreams can be in one place.

Mark Ellis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Potatoes to chips, he also has 2 homers in the past week.

Joakim Soria – Has a stiff hamstring and is day-to-day.  Yesterday, Greg Holland went Dutch on the 9th inning with Tim Collins, but ended up with the save.  To preemptively answer your question, I’d take Jim Johnson before Holland.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 26th homer then left the game with a tight calf, which is less offensive than a loose cow.

Matt Moore – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  The top prospect came into the game and did a lot of nothing.  Means absolutely nothing, but here’s the number one reason why this late in the season I avoid top prospects in redraft leagues.  It’s not worth the hype.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal in the last 4 games.  On a semi-related note, the White Sox outfield yesterday was Pierre, Rios and De Aza.  I get the feeling by the end of the year Ozzie’s going to kill someone.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  That’s now 27 homers and 9 steals.  Not completely surprising with the steals, Scioscia likes to run.  “You can’t pitch around moxie!  Moxie doesn’t go through slumps!”  That’s Scioscia.  But with all that in mind, don’t see why Bourjos doesn’t have 40 steals.  Next year he will.

Cameron Maybin – 0-for-3 with his 36th steal.  I’m not sure what’s sadder, that Maybin’s batting third or that it makes sense that he’s batting third.

Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The understaffed Nats showed off their Peacock.  Pun point!  He’s actually been great in the minors with a solid K-rate and a 2.39 ERA between Double and Triple-A, but a rookie on the Nats…Eh, I’m avoiding for this year in mixed leagues.  In NL-Only, you obviously do what you do.  Also, he was listed in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects post.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Homered yesterday.  If you feel like you’ve heard that before recently, it’s because you have.  He’s homered four times in the last week.

Brian Wilson – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and it looks like he might see some game action before the end of the season.  His fantasy owners and beard enthusiasts wait with bated breath and rugged looks.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th and 20th round trippers.  No relation to Jack.

Santiago Casilla – Got his third save yesterday.  Romo still hasn’t gotten one since he returned from the DL.  Cust kayin’.

Justin Smoak – Left the game with a groin strain.  This Justin, Smoak might be out for the season.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two Hollands and one roundup!  One should change their name to New Amsterdam.  Holland scares me because of his occassional start where he’ll go 2 innings and give up 5 runs, but he has been solid in 8 of his last 10 starts.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 26th homer.  On Tuesday I said, “The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brett Lawrie – Collided hard at the plate with Jason Varitek.  That made for some interesting cinema Varitek.  Lawrie could’ve just slid and avoided the whole thing, then Lawrie left the game with a knee contusion.  #nahbuddy He looked fine after the collision.  Not F-I-N-E fine, but fine.  I’m not too worried, then again I don’t own him.  Muahahahaha…Wait, is that maniacal laugh aimed at me or you?  Hmm… Not sure.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Sawx.  I’m guessing the only fantasy owners with all 208 and a third innings from Romero are those that abandoned their teams in March.  What a waste.  Is there anything sadder than an abandoned team?  You look at a team in last with Roy Halladay and you’re like, “Man, I wish I could get Halladay.”  Well, now you can!  There should be some kind of recycling program for abandoned teams.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, ESPN, CBS or Yahoo goes through all of its teams that haven’t had any moves made in the last two weeks and puts those teams curbside for people to pick through. “Ooh, an Asdrubal Cabrera!”  That’s you.

Alex Avila – Hit his 19th homer yesterday as he bats .301 on the year.  Seriously, there’s a lot of catchers for next year.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 with his 14th homer.  Now has 2 homers in the last three games.  It’s worth a looksie for power.

Roy Halladay – Threw a shutout in just over two hours.  Rafael Palmeiro had erections for a longer time.

David Ortiz must not have fed the meter yesterday because he was fitted with a boot.  Southie police officer, “You ahr naht above the lah!  Now sign my badge for my boy, Tommy.”  Turns out Big Papi has right heel bursitis, which is a fancy word that eHow has seven useless articles about that is essentially inflammation.   Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know if he’s saying “heel heel” or “heal heel.”  Or maybe he’s not a stutterer at all, but everyone who finds out his occupation just thinks he stutters because he says he’s a heel healer.  These are the things I worry about.  Your fantasy team should only have bunny ears without Papi for about a week.  He’s a quick healer (heel healer, heel? Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said he thinks his sore neck is to account for A-Gon’s lack of power.  I’m not so sure, McGwire and Canseco had no necks and they hit plenty of homers.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, his xFIP was high and his walk rate was a bit high.  This year, it’s the polar opposite.  Right now, he’s pitching much better than even his 3.59 ERA is showing with a great K and walk rate.  In 2012, we’re gonna have to go all in again with Price.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  In 343 ABs, he has 67 RBIs and only 79 hits.  I’m sure Jayson Stark could write a whole article about that, but that’s all I have to say on that subject.

Brian Wilson – Out for a few days with an inflamed elbow.  Pablo Sandoval, “Can I make smores on his elbow?”  I have no confirmation of this, but it sounds like Wilson’s headed for a DL stint.  If you can, I’d grab Ram-Ram and Affeldt, in that order assuming you don’t convert these posts to Hebrew.

Miguel Olivo – Sat out yesterday, and left Tuesday’s game after being hit in the jaw with a foul tip.  That was like watching a sequel to Carlos Zambrano vs. Michael Barrett, except the ball wasn’t as tightly wound as Zambrano.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  His WHIP is now 1.24, he has 154 Ks in 132 2/3 IP and 154 Ks to 50 walks.  How is his ERA 4.41?  Actually, don’t answer that, just give it as a reason to your leaguemates next year why they shouldn’t draft him, then you do.

Michael Cuddyer – Will probably end up on the DL Thursday morning, which is right now.  Hey!

Rene Tosoni – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Pretty marginal player but he makes a wonderful salmon en papillote.

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks and 129 pitches as the Sciosciapath was too distracted by Mike Napoli in the opposing dugout to lift Ervin.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He finally gets his ERA under 4.  I’m sure in March you were expecting me to say that in the middle of August.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3 with his 17th homer and 64 RBI.  He’s also batting .311.  I would’ve gave my Ken Phelps rookie card for Stephen Drew to put up those numbers this year.  (BTW, you wanna laugh?  Read Ken Phelps’ Wikipedia summary.  Tell me he didn’t write that himself.  It’s like saying, “His coke bottle glasses hides his warm inviting eyes.”)

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 3.33.  He’s been completely serviceable this year, but there’s some pitchers I just won’t own, no matter the matchup.  Lohse is one of tohse.

Allen Craig – 4-for-5 with two homers.  I need to see him guaranteed everyday ABs before I’d add him.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-5 and a steal.  Yesterday, I was looking at grabbing a hitter off waivers following my rules and I kept coming back to Yadier, so I picked up Ramon Ramirez.

Jose Tabata – Hit his 4th homer in his 2nd game back.  I wouldn’t grab him for the power, but if you’re hurting for speed you can swing for Tuh-bata-bata-bata.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5 as the Yankees wore their 2009 throwback uniforms.

Stephen Strasburg – Davey Johnson said that Strasburg could return on September 2nd.  Sounds like the Nats will be planking on a lot less unsold tickets.

Kyle Blanks – Sat out yesterday with back soreness, which left fans in the left field bleachers confused why their tickets said obstructed view.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 and he got the Paul O’Neill home run — a triple and a error.

Kurt Suzuki – 2 homers.  He must be drinking the same Hawaiian Punch as Shane Victorino.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th home run.  He must’ve sprayed his bat with Windex.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Aints.  I would’ve started Jar-Jar in this start too, so I get it, but it’s always a risky proposition when a pitcher is returning from the DL, especially one whose peripherals are saying he’s not pitching as well as his ERA is saying.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ERA is now at 1.89.  For the love of Murray Chass, please don’t let the correction come until next year.

Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He didn’t quite *pinkie to mouth* domiNate.  Just about any NL West starter is worth a looksie, but Eovaldi is likely to get shutdown or moved to the bullpen after his next start or two.

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has a decent WHIP (1.23), but I’d chalk up this solid start to vs. the Padres in Petco more than Gee.

Jose Reyes – Scheduled to run Friday.  I don’t think he has the requisite credentials but he can’t be worse than Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry.

Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today.  We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back.  Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team?  Sure, what better way to raise the white flag?  For instance, you keep getting emails from your leaguemates asking if you’re paying attention.  You no longer have to reply to everyone; just put Morneau in your lineup.  Everyone will get the hint.  Of course, I’m only 25% joking.  If Morneau’s on waivers, you may as well pick him up.  If he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll help you empathize with everyone else who had him on their team all year long.  Or maybe you should pick up Morneau because everyone who hasn’t owned him all year will die in ghastly ways like the fantasy baseball version of Final Destination.  ”You weren’t supposed to avoid Morneau this year.  Now he’s coming for you.  Ahhhh!!!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 28th and 29th steals.  Now who’s Shane and who’s Feign Victorino?  Shane might be Feign and Maybin might be Shane.  The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain.  Lovers wanna meet Virginia, Train.  EPMD dropped Jane in the refrain and Buehrle should buy a Corvette for DeWayne — Wise!  The preceding was fantasy baseball advice told to me by Twista.

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.

Mike Morse – Went for an MRI after being hit by a Ryan Dempster pitch.  The MRI revealed it was a left elbow contusion.  Then the MRI revealed it likes to play hacky sack and loves Chinese food.  If there’s any MRIs with similar likes, they should go on a date.

Arthur Rhodes – The Cardinals signed the 41-year-old lefty.  At the press conference, he said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has a 2.35 ERA and a 0.87 WHIP.  Pretty incredible that both of those numbers are below Miggy’s BAC.

Curtis Granderson – Hit his 32nd homer.  Or his 4th homer in the last three games.  Or twelve months after I owned him in every league!

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer with a .303 average. In the preseason I said, “I like him in the 2nd round, but not in the first round.  Usually I can build up enough venom for even the nicest of players if I think they’re overrated.  I had a real hard time getting totally down on Cano, in the non-sexual way.  His skill set tells me that he’s a 25-homer, .310 hitter.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far I look right and wrong.  He is a 25 homer, .310 hitter, but there were so many landmines in the 1st round this year that Cano actually merits some recognition for not disappointing.

Mariano Rivera – Got the save yesterday but also gave up a run for the third straight game.  His arm would have to fall off for him to lose the job, but maybe 1192 career innings was his agreed upon limit with the devil.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  Speaking of landmines in the early rounds of a draft, what a turd sandwich this guy’s season has been.  For some unwelcome perspective, Zimmerman:  6 homers and 27 RBIs — Aramis Ramirez:  21 homers and 71 RBIs.  Bummerman.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Looks like an unprepared runner finishing their first marathon, limping to his innings limit finish line with his nipples bleeding earned runs.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Guess how many homers he has?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches chin, taps finger, cracks neck, makes an upside down West Side gang sign to the mailman*  Oh, forget it!  He has 19 homers!  Crazy, right?

Hideki Matsui – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.  Not Godzilla anime porn though; gross!

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.72.  As Dave Hester would say, “Yuuuuuuup!”

Juan Gutierrez – Tranfered from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL.  I transfered him from my “I don’t care” list to my “I really don’t care” list.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 15th steal, while raising his average to .309.  I can think of one outfielder that is definitely going disappoint next year.  His name rhymes with Welky Wabrera.

Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sometimes I wish a pitcher would just become totally unusable rather than go from good to bad back to good and make it impossible to know when to start him.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course he has a 1.97 ERA on the year.  Why wouldn’t he?  I mean, Dan Uggla has a 31 game hitting streak. Now I will put shoes on my hands and walk upside down into a nail salon and get a manicure on my toes.  Cause that all makes sense in opposite world.