Shaun Marcum, who decided to shit fantasy owners’ houses when he returned from his injury, was sent to the minors to work on his mechanics. Will return in September when rosters expand, but at this point you don’t want him deciding your fantasy championship. Drop him, unless your league is Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto - Removed after three innings with some soreness in his right triceps. Might be the last we see of Cueto this year. (Actually it should be the last we see of him.) This could bode well for next year, since it won’t allow Dusty to abuse his arm any further.

John Maine - Might get shutdown for the rest of the season. Even if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be started in any leagues shallower than 15-team right now. As I told you, when he was pitching “decently” against the Nats and Pirates, all the walks will catch up to him and are a sign that things ain’t right. Well, they’re not right, he has a bone spur in his shoulder.

Alex Gordon - Headed to the DL with a torn quadriceps. Before he took his first swing in the big leagues, there were George Brett comparisons. There still are, but they’ve changed slightly. Now, “I saw Brett take a crap that could hit better than Gordon.”

Ricky Nolasco - 7 1/3 innings and 10 Ks. Been incredible for almost two months. I told you I liked him on July 2nd. If you didn’t grab him, you blame yourself. He’s still a too-many-innings concern.

Jack Hannahan - 2 HRs. He only needs twenty-three homers in September to have a respectable season. As they say in Scuba classes, don’t hold your breath.

CC Sabathia - 6 IP, 1 ER, but loss the win when Torres blew it. This is why I throw nine innings and 140 pitches every start!

Salomon Torres - Blown save, but Torres actually has been fine, just a bad break for CC and his owners.

Mike Cameron - 5-for-5 with a HR and a steal. I’ve been telling people to pickup Mike Cameron for a while now. If you don’t, that’s your bad.

Chris Dickerson - 2 HRs in last two games. I beat Dickerson into the ground when he was first called up. Again, there’s no reason why he should be on waivers in any league.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-5, HR. Batting about .310 since the All-Star break. One of these years, you would think, he has to put together a good season from April until October. I would think, at least.

Rocco Baldelli - 2 HRs in the last three games and batting .400 in last seven. I’m not saying drop anyone worthwhile for him, but this could be the start of something, especially if he starts at DH and if he runs the bases in a bubble.

Dan Wheeler - Blown save, but for those that missed it, it should’ve been a save, Riggans blew it. This denied Sonnanstine the club record for wins with 14, which is currently held by Roland Arrojo. Ah, yes, the storied history of the Tampa Bay Rays. (BTW, recently overheard in Tampa,  “When does spring training start? I miss baseball. Go Yankees!”)

Jo-Jo Reyes - Got pounded by the Cards yesterday. I like what he’s done in the minors and I still like him going forward, but if he doesn’t excel against the Nats in his next start… Well, he shouldn’t be on anyone’s team.

Carlos Beltran - 2 HRs, bringing his total to 19. Every year he somehow puts up a solid season, while simultaneously yawnstipating you.

Luis Ayala - Has only given up one hit in five innings with the Mets, which included a save and a win. Meanwhile, Heilman, Feliciano and others have continued to resemble a wart on the genital region of the Mets.

This week we’re starting a new weekly column that will be here every Thursday, it will be all about fantasy baseball keepers. Since many fantasy baseball keeper leagues don’t decide on their keepers until the start of the new season, I figured I’d go over some fantasy baseball keepers from now until next spring. If you can remember all the way back to February, Hillary Clinton was headed for the Presidency, the Indiana Jones trilogy hadn’t yet been ruined and Cueto was better than Volquez. Well, we know what happened on the way to the Prom. In a surprise move, Volquez was asked by the Head Cheerleader and went from total geek to total chic. Meanwhile, someone shit Cueto’s house. Unfortunately, at the Prom, someone noticed Volquez was actually doing the African Anteater Dance and not some cool hip dance that he just extemporaneously (Word of the Day) came up with, while Cueto went back to mowing lawns, saved a few dorks and eventually received a slow clap from the whole league.

In the minors, Cueto averaged over a K/IP and his walk rate was sick. (That’s sick as in very healthy, not sick as in sick.) Volquez was not the better pitcher coming into the year because of his wildness. Unusable wild? No, he showed that in the beginning of this year. Now, as the year comes to a close, Edinson/Edison/Julio Reyes is taking the slow Green Mile walk to a 3.00 ERA, while Cueto has quietly strung together some quality starts. So don’t be shocked if next year Cueto has more value than Volquez next year. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball keepers for ‘09:

Andy LaRoche - Who know how JD Drew kinda made you want to draft Stephen Drew even though Stephen hasn’t shown too many signs? Well, reverse that shizz for the LaRoches. Andy’s better than his schmohawk older brother.

Jeff Franceour - I’m just not convinced it’s over for this dooode. If you’re out of it in your NL-Only keeper and you can get Frenchy for very cheap, like, one dollar cheap. I’d do it. Not a huge endorsement, but he’s still young.

Alexei Ramirez - Sometimes you have to watch a guy to fall fully in love with him. Well, I watched Alexei. He looks like premenopausal Alfonso Soriano.

Adam Lind - The dealer’s showing Pat Burrell. That’s a push.

Youuuuuuk hit two homers, Teix hit three home runs and, most importantly, Prince Fielder hit two home runs. Why do I say most importantly?  Well, with Youuuuuuuuk, I have him in one of my cash leagues, so I really hope he keeps hitting bombs because I know he has no trade value. With that said, I don’t think he keeps hitting bombs. So two home runs were nice, but they are what they are. As for Teix, he had three HRs, 4 RBIs. 6 of 13 home runs this month, which bodes well for a guy who doesn’t get hot until after the All-Star break. So the three homers are good, but no one was too worried. As for Prince Fielder aka the guy who now eats 16 Boca Burgers a day, he is a guy that you NEED home runs from. So it’s great to see fatty boombalatty finally hitting them. With 8 in June, he can still have 20-something home runs by the All-Star break and no one will remember why they hated him for two months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols - Looks like he’s returning this Thursday. Yesterday, I traded Pujols (and Mike Cameron) away for Sizemore. Not a slam dunk, but Sizemore is keeping pace in home runs with Pujols and I could use the steals. Cameron was a waiver pickup and would’ve been a drop with Sizemore anyway. Feel free to weigh-in (and mock me) in the comments. (I’m sure you will anyway.)

Shaun Marcum - Marcum heads to the DL and tea with Dr. James Andrews. (If Dr. James Andrews plays fantasy baseball, I can’t imagine anyone trades with him. “Hey, Dr. James here. Was wondering if you wanted to trade me Soria for Marcum.” Other owner, “Is Marcum going to be out longer than expected?” Dr. Jim pauses for a moment then, “No.”)

Randy Wolf - Wolf in Petco 10 Ks, 2 ER. His Home/Road splits actually made me laugh. Home 4-1/2.46/44 IP — Road 1-4/5.84/44.2 IP

Justin Duchscherer - One-time great A’s middle reliever now becoming a great starter.  1.99 ERA now after going 7 2/3 IP of 1 ER ball.  How many Cy Youngs could Chad Bradford won?

Ian Snell - Today Snell is going to have an MRI. Izzy blows five saves in a row — goes to the DL. Victor Martinez goes two months without a home run, hits the DL. Snell has a 5.99 ERA through almost half a season? He’s headed to the DL too. But this is not the Disabled List; this is the Disgraceful List.

Kaz Matsui - Strained his hamstring.  Rumor is that he injured himself once in Japan during pregame calisthenics. When asked how this compared with his injury earlier this year, Kaz said through a translator, “This one is frustrating but the one earlier this year was a real pain in the ass.”

Manny Parra - Parra got the win, but didn’t look that great doing it. He’s walking too many. Oh, well. What do I mean, “Oh, well?” Parra’s a fifth fantasy starter. You can deal with inconsistency from a fifth fantasy starter. Jurrjens gets hit? No biggie. Cueto needs his eye cut so he can see? He gets cut. Carlos Silva gets knocked around– Wait, why is Carlos Silva on your team?!

Mike Gonzalez - Gave up 3 ER. Braves are probably pining for Kerry Ligtenberg. (Meanwhile, the KKK pines for John Rocker.)

Jeff Clement - Hit a HR off Mike Gonzalez. If you’re struggling at catcher, there’s no reason to not take the Clement flier.

Chad Billingsley - My “I (heart) Billingsley” tattoo has people coming up to me saying, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” but Chad and I know who it’s for.

Ian Stewart - Optioned down to Triple-A. Now that all non-Kinsler Ians suck, when is baseball going to enter the age of Seamus?

Clint Barmes - He was the one that replaced Ian Stewart. Worth a grab for a MI spot if you’re hurting (like you just fell down stairs carrying a dead deer.)

Vicente Padilla - With 10 wins now, he is on pace for 20.   Improbable?  We’d say so.  The last Ranger to win 20 games in a season was Rick Helling in 1998.  Since then, only a couple Ranger pitchers have won 20 games combining seasons.  Only 15 more to go Brandon McCarthy!

Johnny Cueto - When a rookie starter gets called up, he goes through a cycle. First, he wows the league, can get everyone out because no one is familiar with his stuff. Then the league catches up with the pitcher and he hits an adjustment period and is knocked around by the league. Finally, the pitcher settles in and becomes what he is. So when Cueto pitches well against the Yanks, the natural thing is to assume he’s settled in and this is what he is. The problem is, the Yanks are in a different league so this outing may have been a blip. The good news, he’s only surrendered more than three runs once in the last eight starts. So is he or isn’t he out of the adjustment period? Um… Yeah. Maybe.

Jered Weaver - Beat Hamels, but didn’t outpitch him.  Seems at this point that his really hot start when he first came up is the anomaly and not the last year and a half.  That’s just the Weaver way.

Justin Verlander - After pitching at Petco, Verlander put on Chris Young’s jersey and tried to sneak into the Padres rotation. “I took Dramamine - I’m not dizzy anymore!” On a side note, Brian Giles called up Jim Edmonds and asked him to smuggle him out.

With two home runs yesterday, Ryan Braun is up to 20 HRs. Not sure I mentioned this before, but I traded for The Hebrew Hammer a couple of weeks ago. (If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!) I traded Carl Crawford for Braun. Rudy called me all kinds of names about this one. Topped with, “I’d say you’ve sunk to a new low but trading Verlander to (so-and-so) for Street (two years ago) when (so-and-so) was 3 starts away from being maxed out was the lowest…” Honestly, I enjoy pissing off my friends at fantasy baseball, but I wasn’t sure why Rudy was mad about this one. I mean, Crawford for Braun is fair, no? Well, turns out the team I traded Crawford to didn’t need steals. Know what? I don’t care. The team’s owner has been playing with us for a long time. He’s proven himself a worthy adversary. If he wants to trade for more steals while sporting Reyes, Pierre and Bourn, it’s his prerogative. (I don’t need permission to make my fantasy baseball decisions….It’s my prerogative…) So does this mean I suddenly endorse Braun? I placed him 22 overall; I never didn’t endorse him (sorry, double negatives hurt my brain, too). I just thought Braun was going too high. Well, on that team, I needed power because Hafner was a have-not, so I went out and got Braun. Am I suddenly down on Crawford? I am starting to think the power may never come and I’m not a huge fan of speed only guys, so there’s that. The lesson that should be taken away? Every player has a place on some team. Except Ryan Zimmerman. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chase Headley - Watched him bat three times yesterday. Saw nothing that exciting. Seems like he likes to take a pitch even if it means striking out. Reminded me of Jeremy Hermida in this respect. This was one game; this is by no means a ‘pert evaluation.

Manny Parra - 7 shutout innings, 5/4 K/BB. Confidence level looks like it’s climbing. (I don’t know what that means. I heard Bill Schroeder say it and Bill Schroeder is a knowledgeable color man.) Know what helps a confidence level? Pitching against the Blue Jays.

Jose Reyes -Left with what Jose Mota (not Molina) deemed a minor injury. Word from a different (more reliable) source is he might have strained a hamstring. Ugh… *sticking head in oven*

Brad Penny - Hit the DL yesterday. Here’s what Alyssa Milano’s MLB blog update said today, “I told him to stop eating all of those fried foods and late nite meals at Mel’s Diner. When I was preparing for the roll (sic) of Charlotte Wells in Embrace of the Vampire, I ate only soba noodles for 2 months straight! Do u think I wanted to eat so much soba noodles? Well, actually…. Yeah! I did! (Wouldn’t u?) But even if I thought soba noodles tasted gross, I’d still ate (sic) them if I thought they’d help me stay in shape. BTW, I wasn’t the one who gave you herpes! L8 and <3″

Chad Billingsley - I want to draft Billingsley right now for 2009, 2010 and 2011 with an option for 2012. In the same blog entry, Alyssa Milano said this about Billingsley, “Blame Penny for the herpes. Sorry! L8 and <3 * 2″

Johnny Cueto - Not sure why his Ks are so down. Might have something to do with scouting reports, but I think it’s more to do with him falling behind and going for contact. There’s also a strong chance that Dusty Baker is somehow responsible. Dusty, “Cueto, I will throw you in back-to-back games for the ‘mainder of the season if you try to strike people out. I’m not joking. Call up Mark Prior, he will tell you.”

Brandon Webb - Going through what the people in the biz call, “a dead arm period.” If this period is anything like my girlfriend’s, it’s best to act like he’s fine and NOT bloated.

Justin Duchscherer - Of course, Dook-sheer pitched well. Apparently, that’s what Dook-Sheer do. Needed only 94 pitches to get through 8 innings.

Jeff Clement - The Mariners called him up, so he got in the game, right? Nope. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Seattle Mariners!

Brandon Morrow - Making the best of the opportunity, converted a save with a perfect ninth. Putz hadn’t pitched a perfect inning in June.

Ian Snell - Snell got O-Cab to ground out to open the game. The rest didn’t look so good.

Carlos Quentin - Batting .170 in June. Where’s April/May Carlos? We want him back.

Livan Hernandez - Movie trailer guy, “In a world where Livan Hernandez looks like a good replacement for Johan Santana… He’ll baffle you with his eephus! He’ll take his time with each pitch! He’ll avoid the foul line when walking off the field! George Lopez is Livan Hernandez!”

Brandon Lyon - Kazaam’d up the joint for 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning.

Mike Jacobs hit two home runs yesterday. Baseball Tonight’s Chris Singleton said Jacobs could hit “a lot” of home runs if he stayed healthy. You know what? Singleton has “a lot” of insight. Funny thing happened on the way to June, Mike Jacobs has thirteen home runs. More than Fielder, Tex, Morneau, Pena and Miguel Cabrera. Now I’m not saying Jacobs will be more valuable than these guys, but Jacobs is way more affordable in a trade. He’s a lot like Carlos Pena in ‘07. Both showed power, but lacked consistency and health. Poor average — check. Clouds of doubt about what they’ll be worth at the end of the year — check, check. Both playing in front of near capacity crowds (for a WNBA game) — check. Pena’s last year owners can also attest that if you own him, you’re better off holding onto him, cause you’ll never get value for him. But if you don’t own him, he’ll cost a lot less than the big boys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Homer Bailey - About to be called up. Remember when he was their most hyped prospect? Since then, Bruce and Votto have had great starts, they acquire Volquez, and Cueto has a spot in the rotation. Don’t expect much from Bailey. He doesn’t really deserve the call-up as he hasn’t corrected his biggest flaw - wildness. He walked 29 in 66 IP at Triple-A. For Bailey’s sake, we hope the expectations are set closer to Fogg than Volquez.

Mark Prior - Shoulder surgery for Prior causing him to miss the rest of the season. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.

Tim Hudson - I was watching the game when he left with his leg injury. It didn’t look that bad, but then again I get these rashes on my leg and I’ve diagnosed myself as having The African Gong-Gong Disease and prescribed myself a wet towelie and two Little Orphan Orange Otter Pops, so I may not be the best person to ask. Leg problems will probably shelve him for a week. Best case scenario, he misses two starts and returns fine. Worst case, he returns too soon and really messes things up by favoring his injured leg. This is some Trapper John, M.D. suspense!

Brain Bannister - One run in 7+ IP. He looks like a good guy to not pick up in mixed leagues.

Troy Glaus - Hit a HR yesterday. LaRussa says Glaus is going to start hitting more home runs now that the weather is heating up. What you need to ask yourself, is this sober LaRussa talking or drunk LaRussa? I think it’s sober LaRussa.

Ian Snell - If you have him still in your lineup, I’m assuming there was a death in the family and you haven’t check your team in a while. Or you’re just dopey. Either way, my condolences.

Nate McLouth - Ended May with a .279 average. That’s a better representation than April’s .330. Maybe Karabell’s intern misread his refrigerator magnets.

Chase Utley - 20th HR/6th steal. I picked him for NL MVP, so I obviously believe. He’s also one of the few guys that I don’t have on any team, but still can’t root against. Take that schadenfreude (Word of the Day)!

Shawn Hill - Gave up an ill-timed home run to… Who am I kidding? No one cares what Shawn Hill did yesterday.

Chad Tracy - Batting fourth, hitting his second home run three days. CoJack will be out at least a week with a quad strain.

JR Towles - Batting .145 with five hits in all of May.

Bartolo Colon - Now 3-0. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff…. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Alexei Ramirez/Alexi Casilla - Both can provide some value if you’re weak at MI. Also, if one of them books two dates on the same night, they could pull the old switcheroo and send the other guy out on one of the dates, which is a lot easier than bringing both dates to the same place and then running back and forth switching outfits ala Alex P. Keaton.

Adrian Gonzalez - I’m not really surprised he’s still hitting bombs, but I’d like to see him hit them in July and August.

Carlos Beltran - HRs in 2 straight games to boost his season total to 7. If you invested a top pick in him, you’ve got to be hoping this is the start of one of his streaks.

Johnny Cueto - I said I wouldn’t write about him again until he proved himself. Well, 5 IP of no-hit ball pulled me back in, but he’s still giving up fly balls (10) and not making enough people miss (3). Love the upside, but don’t get too excited. Worth holding onto, but don’t be afraid to bench him if the matchup is bad.

JJ Putz - Another horrendous night. 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning. Who does he think he is - Carlos Silva?

Ryan Church - Hit a home run after returning from his concussion. Talking about the concussion, Church had this to say, “I really know how Snuka felt after that Piper’s Pit.”