Angel Pagan might be out the season, but will definitely be out until September. Too bad, so sad, don’t forget to write, don’t write too often, waste of paper. Hey, Gregor Blanco, come on down! You are the next contestant on The SAGNOF Is Right. How many steals can you steal this year? Peter Bourjos says 20. Not bad, but seems a little low. Jacoby Ellsbury says 60. Whoa, that’s way too high; you’re not gonna win a trip for two to Mount Rushmore like that. Michael Bourn says 35. That’s not bad; he’s practiced this at home with his grammy. Oh no, Darin Ruf says 1. Damn you, Darin Ruf! Now I have to guess exactly or go with 2, but then Marlon Byrd can say 3 and I’m screwed. I’ll say…28. Byrd goes with 2, and Ruf gives him the stink-eye. Drew Carey says… Oops, when he pulled out the card an eight ball of coke fell out of his pocket. The correct answer is 32! I win! Next up, Plinko! Fitting since Gregor sounds like a Pinko. Sure, Blanco’s not an exciting name and is only the lede because there were four games yesterday, but he still has lots of value. This news is the equivalent to a new closer taking over. Blanco won’t kill you in average, and has been hitting near .500 in the last week. Blanco is a guy I’d grab in every single league if I needed speed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post. We’re Cousteau deep right now. The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks. So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next. That should excite you, you special person you. C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks. I didn’t say your face cheeks. Hey now! Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61.Please, blog, may I have some more?
For Philly fans (myself included), it was hard to imagine a worse way for the 2011 season to end. As prohibitive favorites to win the World Series, the Phillies watched a 2-1 series lead evaporate with it all culminating in a Ryan Howard groundout to end the series that saw him pull up lame and fall to the ground in a heap.Please, blog, may I have some more?
B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall. You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings. I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched. How dare you, sir. In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing. How.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Thumb up the jam, thumb it up! While your feet are stompin’! Sorry, hard to stop that once I start. Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb. Thumb up the jam, thumb it up! Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb. It’s a rare injury. Hey, maybe they can name it after him. Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb! Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon. If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening. DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer. Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk. There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brandon Webb may miss the rest of the season. Nothing good comes from drafting a top pitcher. Nothing, I tell you. I own Peavy in two leagues, so I’m right there with youse. Remind next year to revert back to not drafting starters in the first five rounds. Actually, next year you probably will be able to get Webb and Peavy after the fifth round. Hmm, that’s a pickle. Guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Webb was diagnosed with an “Ain’t Getting Better” problem. Captain Obvious says, “When a guy misses three months, then goes for an MRI, it’s not a good sign.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s shutdown for the year. But you’ve held him this long, what’s another day or two to hear the full prognosis? BTW, prognosis is doctor-talk for the 411. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Coco Crisp – Out for the season when his shoulder went snap, crackle, pop.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Right now betting on Jimmy Rollins to turn it around seems like a Horn Bet. Unless Ben Zobrist is rolling the dice. Rollins is too old, he’s too tired and he’s too… Wait, he’s not blind. Though his average might make you think he could use some of Ortiz’s eyedrops. His line on the year is 40/6/27/.225/10. I just popped a zit onto a mirror and it spelled out, “Blech.” Rollins’s K rate, ground balls and fly balls are about where they should be. But, and it’s a J.Please, blog, may I have some more?