Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ryan Madson finally took over for Brad Lidge.  This was only about three months in the making and after six separate endorsements by Manuel saying Lidge is their closer.  Ah fanabla, what a headache.  Ever since Brett Myers returned from his MMA training, fantasy baseballers (that’s you!) seem ready to put Myers in the closer role.  That would be too easy, right?  Right.  No, Madson’s the first guy to grab and maybe Myers sees time here and there.  I’d grab both of them, unless you have a bleeding ulcer, then I’d stay away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks and leads the AL with 16 wins.  Shoot me now.  Seriously.  Shoot me and Randy Wolf while you’re at it.

Marlon Byrd – 9 for his last 14 with 2 homers and 7 RBIs.  He was having problems with kidney stones prior to this outburst, by I guess that problem passed.  (Pun point for Grey.)  Oh, and he’s single-handedly winning H2H leagues.

Francisco Liriano – Activated from the Disgraceful List and sent to the bullpen.  He still has no value.

Jake Peavy – Supposedly, he should be ready to go against the Mariners next week.  Was this whole elbow thing a ploy to face an NL-type offense?  BTW, the White Sox pulled the plug on this season already, why are they trying to get Peavy back in there?

John Maine – Will return for this Sunday’s game vs. the Phils.  He’ll be limited to around 70 pitches which will, uh, limit his value.

Ian Kinsler/Chris Davis/Nelson Cruz -  Because we all love a nice bit of schadenfreude, I present to you, frequent commenter, Zombie, “For those who revel in others’ misfortune, I present a Trifecta Ticker Tease as the Rangers wallop the Tribe today 10-0.  Those of us who own Kinsler, Davis, AND Cruz have returned from lunch, eagerly check the boxscore and see a combined 2 for 14,  0 RBI, 0 HR, 0 SB, and one goddamn Run…. The lone run only seems to punctuate the dearth of any additional production!  And for all you Esteban German owners out there, you deserve his 5 for 5 day, you bastards.”

Felipe Lopez – HR yesterday.  Now on pace for 10 homers and 7 steals.  Somewhere, Crapolanco smiles.

Bobby Scales – Ran head first into a wall, went down for a minute or two, then played a few more innings before being lifted for Sam Fuld.  Fuld, indeed.

Huston Street – Unable to return until early next week, according to Rockies pitching coach, Bob Apodaca.  I love that name.

Justin Maxwell – 3-for-5, 1 steal.  Could have some cheap speed for deep leagues, but he misses being a legitimate major leaguer by that much.

Carl Pavano – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Now has 4 starts in a row where he’s been completely digestible.  He gets the Indians next.

Rafael Soriano – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save.  Member when his ERA was around 1.50, like, a month and a half ago?  Yeah, me too.  Now it’s near 3.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  And it rolls on.

Carlos Delgado/Jose Reyes – Both said they want to return in the last two weeks of the season.  The Mets will just need to win 25 of their remaining 12 games to clinch a playoff berth.

Randy Wolf – Had his start scratched with a tweaked elbow.  Sounds like an excuse to rest him as they head towards the playoffs.  Kuroda will take his start.

James Loney – HR yesterday.  Now has two in three games, while batting near .400 for the last week.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-7 with a steal.  He’s been a top 30 outfielder this year and the most valuable White Sox hitter this year.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5 with a steal.  Now has 11 homers and 12 steals in 211 at-bats.  Prepare for an offseason barrage of fantasy baseball ‘perts telling you you have to own him next year and causing his value to skyrocket.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Now has 3 homers in 5 games while batting near .500.

Krispie Young – Hit another homer yesterday.  Now has five in 4 games.  I’m sure we’ll see him again in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks with his 18th win.  He wins the Cy Young, right?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, he does, right?

Matt Holliday – Left the game with a bruised knee.  He said he should be good by the Cards next game as long as he never has to play in Oakland again.

Albert Pujols – 2 HRs yesterday.  After the 2nd homer, Pujols’s BFF Lugo jumped around like Pujols called the shot beforehand in the dugout.  So this got me thinking, and maybe I’m just devious, but if you were a random baseball player in the playoffs, let’s say Casey Blake, wouldn’t you have your teammate pretend you called a homer?  Beforehand, Casey Blake and Orlando Hudson make a deal.  If Blake hits a homer, Hudson will jump around in the dugout screaming, “He called it!”  Like Fox Sports wouldn’t run with this story and suddenly Casey Blake would be the star of the World Series, get endorsements — Hi, I’m Casey Blake, this is a Sprint phone and I called it. — and he would get a huge contract.  Casey Blake would be synonymous with clutch.  Oh my God, I’m Scott Boras.

A lot of starting pitchers have been traded by the A’s.  Some fare great (Haren), some have mixed results (Hudson), some collapse (Mulder).  But there has never been an ex-A’s starting pitcher that seems to miss the AL West as much as Chad Gaudin.  While he did get crushed @ LAA, his last 3 starts @SEA, home against SEA, and @TEX have netted 21 IP / 2-1 / 2.14 ERA / 0.76 WHIP / 28 Ks.  That’s a Peavian 12 K/9 IP with a K/BB ratio of 21:5.  We’ve had Gaudin on a couple of deep league teams since we love NL West pitchers and it’s been hard to recommend him because he’s been so damn wild.  But after these past three dominating starts (8+ Ks, 2 or less BBs), he’s a must pickup in any league format at this point.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-8 this weekend, with one steal.  If you need steals, don’t wait until after the 3 steal game to grab him.  He may not be there.

Scott Hairston – 3-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  Okay, that’s the last Padres blurb.

Aaron Cook - Effectively hittable (8 IP, 9 H, 1 ER) and liftable (9 ground balls, 10 fly balls) against Oakland, he’s now won 5 in a row and given up just 1 ER in 4 of those games.  He’ll never be a fantasy ace so if you have 5 aces, don’t pick him up.  Otherwise, jump on him – especially if the matchup looks good.

Jose Valverde – Perhaps stunned that Russ Ortiz carried a 3-2 lead through 7 innings against a major league team, Valgreen’s blew the save with a 2-run HR to Brandon Inge.  You may have noticed LaTroy Hawkins earned the save on Saturday.  What does that add up to?  Eh, not much.  Valverde has a long leash and will be closer for the Astros unless he gets hurt, sucks it up big time, or gets traded.

Mark DeRosa – One of the most versatile players (2B, 3B, OF) is now playing for one of the most inventive managers (Tony LaRussa).  Plus, both their names refer to roses which seems romantic.  DeRosa’s expected to play most of his time at 3B but his first start saw him in LF.  For now, he’s batting 4th (right behind Pujols).  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him hit 2nd, 5th, or 6th in upcoming games.  One thing that’s safe for now is DeRosa will get his 5-6 starts a week….as long as he doesn’t impersotweet Tony L.

Khalil Greene – He was hot a little over a week ago, but he’s now 0-for his last 14.  He’s the best choice to bat 2nd?

Pablo Sandoval – 3 HRs between Friday and Saturday.  Stomach virus on Sunday.  That virus was probably living for years in that stomach before Pablo felt it.

Carlos Carrasco - Word is that the Phil-Phil may start Car-Car on Thursday against Atlanta.  He came into 2009 as the Phillies top pitching prospect (ahead of JA Happ) but his 4.92 ERA in 86 AAA IP in 2009 is a clear sign this is a callup out of necessity.  If you dig into his AAA stats, though, things look a bit brighter.  About 1 K an inning.  A BB rate under 3 per 9 inning.  His FIP is only 3.50.  His strand rate of 61.7% is awfully something – awfully unlucky, awfully bad or awfully telling that he can’t pitch out of the stretch.  We’d recommend giving him a game or two to prove himself before starting him (we’re still hurting from Hochevar) but if you need Ks in the worst way, go for it.

Eric Bruntlett – 1-for-11 this weekend.  Rollins went oh-for-no-he-didn’t.

Jamie Moyer – 5 IP, 4 ER, but earned his 252nd win to pass Bob Gibson on the all-time list.  Let the discussion now begin about who was a better pitcher — Gibson or Moyer.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER. Only four baserunners vs. the Sawx.  Now he’s going to be the Cy Young!  Actually, prolly not.  He’ll still have some rookie hiccups.  (I abandoned prolly for probably for a few months to see if I could be taken more seriously by established media personalities like George Will and Ken Burns.  Since I can’t spell Pulitzer without Googling it, I’m going back to prolly! I may even apostrophize, “It’s okay” as S’okay.  Stay tuned!)

Jonny Gomes – Had a good run on all our teams this week with two homers.  Now he’ll return to platooning and we’ll drop him.

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th steal.  Taking the slow boat to 20/20.   S’okay, as long as he stays healthy, he’ll get there.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Hehe.  Asdrubal’s back.   Hehe.

Aaron Hill – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his total to 19.  Could get to 30.  No reason you have to think at any moment the indigestion’s coming on.

Mike MacDougal – Got his third save for the Nats and started selling iced mochas just like McDonald’s.  But he spells mocha with a K.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4 yesterday and .389 in the last week. You can grab ‘ham while he’s hot, but if you have an erection for longer than 4 hours after doing so, you may want to seek a doctor’s advice.

Andrew McCutchen – Has 2 steals and 5 Runs in the last week.  S’not terrible, but schmohawk behind door number three can probably give you the same.  The Dread Pirate should give you something in a trade though, so I’d explore those options. (I might rethink “S’not.”)

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER. But at what price? 5 walks.

Andrew Miller – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Miller’s like a boba that clogs your straw.  Just pull the straw out and shoot that oversized boba into the garbage.   It’ll choke you out.

Alfonso Soriano – His forties haven’t been kind to him. Yesterday, 2-for-4, no Runs scored or RBIs or steals.  It’s bad when that’s a good day.

John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER. He’s at 4.08 ERA on the year with a 1.28 WHIP.  That sounds about right.  I don’t think he suddenly becomes a number one or two, but prolly a solid number 3.

Ryan Sadowski – 6 IP, 0 ER. He was a 4 ERA pitcher in Triple A, isn’t an overwhelming strikeout guy and walks hitters.  Sadowski is the new blech.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 2 ER.  More impressively, he only walked two and one of those was Pujols.  The Cards, with the pitcher batting, aren’t exactly Murderer’s Row, more like Ripping A Tag Off A Mattress Row, but it’s a step in the right direction for Liriano.

Adrian Beltre – If you missed the news over the weekend, he’s going to be out for 2 months with shoulder surgery being performed by, oddly enough, an Angels’ doctor.  You think the Angels would’ve offered to work on Ichiro.  Beltre’s droppable outside of deep AL-Only leagues.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4 and stole his first base of the season.  As of late, he’s one of the hottest hitters and should not be on waivers in any league.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks for his first Win on the season.  “If this is a breakthrough, color me bored.” — Appropriate here, but it’s also a quote from Thomas Edison’s overdemanding mother.

Mariano Rivera - 500th career save @ Metco and 1st career RBI (bases loaded walk against K-Rod).  If I owned the Mets, I would do three things.  1) Get Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber for Jose Reyes’s hamstring, 2) Change financial advisors, and 3) Campaign MLB to spread out the embarrassment of playing the Yanks to once every 4 years.

John Maine – Rehab is suspended because there’s a pinched nerve in Maine’s shoulder.  I once suffered from a pinched finger from a Maine lobster.  Which finger?  The same one that’s getting prepared to click the mouse in shallow leagues where I own Maine….

Kelvim Escobar was sent to the bullpen.  His value goes from potentially good to potentially nothing.  Scioscia said Escobar will be pitching out of the bullpen for the rest of the season.  Scioscia also said Brandon Wood would start at shortstop two years ago and said Arredondo, the guy now in the minors, would be the closer and he said Rex Hudler’s got the best herb, when he wants to get wiggy with Figgy.  Escobar will probably start games again in a month or two.  But even if that is the case, he’s about as good to you now as those X-ray glasses you bought out of the back of a comic book when you were twelve.  Matt Palmer gets a boost in value, which is to say he actually has value now.   Palmer’s K/9 is 5.48.  Not great.  His BABIP is .228, that’s pretty lucky.  He’s rocking a 4.06 ERA right now, that’ll go up.  In AL-Only leagues, Palmer’s worth a spot, but he’s probably on a team already.  In mixed leagues, 15 or deeper?  Sure, but I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues outside of matchups.  Friday vs. the Padres is a good matchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Member when he was only good at home?  Yeah, now he’s not good anywhere.  I think he’s headed for the Disgraceful List.

Matt Joyce – The return of Burrell pushes Joyce back to Triple-A.  Hopefully, he gets a real chance at some point.

Pat Burrell – He skipped his Single-A rehab assignment and, instead, will sit the bench for the next six games then be back in the DH spot when interleague’s over.  This is fascinating to me.  He was going to DH in a rehab game?  So he gets four ABs against a Single-A pitcher?  He couldn’t get that in batting practice?  Then he returns to sit the bench for a week?  The guy running the local Dairy Queen could make better decisions than some big league clubs.  A Sour Worm Blizzard is brilliant compared to this.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out for a normal day of rest.  What’s Hanley doing this year?  8/8?  Who are you, Shin-Soo Choo?  The Marlins have been threatening to put the brakes on Hanley for a few years now.  I think they finally manned up and told him to chillax.  Last year he only stole 12 bases in the 2nd half.  Now with his groin flare-up (no, not in that way) and the Marlins realizing he’s their bread and butter, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 25/25 year.  Still a great year for a shortstop, just not what you might’ve thought you were getting.

Chien-Ming Wang – Will stay in the rotation for one more turn.  Just because Hankenstein’s sticking with him, doesn’t mean you need to.

Zach Greinke – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Okay, I get the whole great-season-let’s-countdown-to-his-Cy-Young thing.  But is “Greinke Suffers a No-Decision” really a headline?  Suffering from indecision maybe.

Willy Taveras – He relies on his legs and they’re hurting him.  Right now, he’s AGNOF!  The S is really critical.

Chad Qualls – Got the save.  I need saves in the league I own him in and I hate seeing him come into the game, not a great place to be.

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, only 4 baserunners vs. the Giants.  I like Scherzer, so don’t read too much into this, but Schierholtz and Juan Uribe were the two and three hole hitters.  Hitting sixth, Kevin Frandsen with an .071 average on the year. Protecting him was Eli Whiteside.  Didn’t he win the Nobel for his book, Night? A Giants split squad game would be a 0-0 tie called on account of darkness.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday.  .367 in June after hitting .313 in May.  The steals look like they’ll never come back, so he might be Lyle Overbay in disguise.

Ian Stewart – 12th homer, or one less than Ryan Braun.  In Yahoo, Stewart has 2nd and 3rd base eligibility.  Cust kayin’.

Nomar Garciaparra – Had an MRI done on his calf.  Who insures this guy?

Luke Scott – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  Whoa, don’t you dare go back to being mediocre.  Armando Galarraga’s filling that role.

Clete Thomas – Went from batting 3rd to being optioned to the minors.  Ah, yes, perfect sense.  Don Kelly will be recalled.  I’m assuming he’ll slot right into the three hole next.

John Maine – Headed to the DL with a sore shoulder.  Hey, a couple of days ago he had a dead arm.  Sore is progress.

David Wright – 3-for-4 and stole his 17th base as he tries to challenge Alex Rios’s 2008 season as the most perplexing in recent memory.

Joe Beimel – Got the save yesterday as Acta pulled the old banana-in-the-tailpipe on MacDougal owners.  MacDougal is supposedly still the closer, he had just worked too many days in the row.  The Nats might be the only team where their announced closer is the only one that doesn’t get saves.

Ricky Romero – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him for a while in April, then he went to the DL and I got bored.  Now he’s back (from outer space), he’s an ‘okay’ flier in deeper mixed leagues, but he’s been getting lucky with men left on base.  I’d be careful.

Kevin Millwood – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Would you believe he has a 2.72 ERA on the year?  That’s not rhetorical.  Seriously, I had no idea.  I own him on an AL-Only team and I didn’t even know that.  Maybe he’s having one of those renaissance years.  But then he’d be walking around saying, “Good morrow, Kinsler!” and “Davis, fetch me some mead!”

Ross Gload – 2 HRs.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!  What?  Nothing?  Oh, well.  I got the reference.

Todd Wellemeyer – 6 IP, 5 ER. Gload’s on you, Jack!  What?  Still nothing?  Hmm…

Ryan Franklin – 14th save, 1.14 ERA on the year.  Next year, he’s going to be so overvalued.  People are gonna be like, “Franklin had a sub-2 ERA.  He’s the bee’s elbows, knees and toes!”

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Then Rafael Soriano threw Javy’s one bad inning for him giving up 2 runs.

Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday.  After the home run, he declared a fatwa on the whole Midwest.

J.P. Howell has back-to-back blown saves.  Joe Nelson hasn’t even sniffed a save opportunity after getting saves when Percival was healthy.  Balfour has given up 7 runs in the last five games.  Isringhausen hasn’t pitched in June.  Dan Wheeler got his first save opportunity on Saturday and blew it.  Lance Cormier sounds like a hockey goalie.  Who’s leading the Rays bullpen since Percival went down?  Lefty specialist, Randy Choate, of course!  When asked after the game if he’ll ever decide on a closer, Joe Maddon pushed his Buddy Holly glasses up the bridge of his nose and said, “That’ll be the day.”  Where’s Percival when you need him?  I would hold one of Howell or Wheeler for now, if you have room.  If you’re desperate for saves, I’d put the other five names in a hat then let Akinori Iwamura pick out a name.  That’s what Joe Maddon does.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike MacDougal – Manny Acta said MacDougal was the new Nats closer.  The rest of the league said, “Bring on the ninth!”  I’ll put MacDougal’s saves at 2 and his blown saves at 3.

Vladimir Guerrero – 1-for-5, zero home runs and batting .260 since his return.  Three days before he returned, I told you to sell him. I could see him being better than he has been (I called him a has-been!), but his name is obviously a lot more valuable than his bat.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I’ve been saying all along he’s nothing but a matchups guy because of his lack of strikeouts.  He now has a 3.98 ERA on the year with 36 Ks through 61 innings.  Bleh.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game after tweaking his hamstring again.  This is not a ‘for now thing,’ but I just thought of it.  I could see Miggy taking a career dive around age 30.

Vince Mazzaro – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  In AL-Only leagues, you can do worse.  Fausto Carmona, for instance, he’s worse.  Chien-Ming?  Yeah, he’s pretty bad.  Rich Hill?  Not interested in him at all.  Revolving schmohawk Indians pitcher is terrible.  Mazzaro is marginal at best in mixed leagues.  Sorry, paisan.

Rich Hill – 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 walks and 1 HBP.  And that’s why I wouldn’t own him in any league.  His owners actually got off easy in the earned run department, which is downstairs with home furnishings.

Casey Kotchman – Hit the DL.  Obviously jealous of so many others pulling a Kotchman, he decided to show them a thing or two about sitting for two weeks with a minor injury.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Dazzling early on, but uneven is the key word with rookie pitchers.  Most impressive thing was 91 pitches with 61 going for strikes.   As I told you the other day, prior to his first start might be his peak value in one year leagues.  I’m sure he’ll be better than he was on Sunday, hopefully for his owners (and him) it’s in his next start.  I wouldn’t turn him down if he were on waivers, but I wouldn’t trade for him in one year leagues either, unless the deal was too good to be true.

Aaron Harang – In the Reds 14 inning game yesterday, Harang did not pitch.

Edwin Encarnacion – Felt soreness in his wrist and is now heading for an MRI.  If you’re counting on big things in the near-future from Edwin, you probably have bigger fish to fry.

Andrew McCutchen – 6-for-16 since his call up and still without a nickname.  Shame on you, Razzballers.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 1 ER.  After he was removed from the game, he threw on a fake mustache and tried to get back in the game.  Unfortunately, Hinch went with the non-mustachioed until Clay Zavada took the mound in the 13th.  At least I think it was Zavada.

Chad Qualls – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Suffering forearm stiffness, I think that’s doctor-speak for, “Capable of surrendering a home run to David Eckstein.”  Potatoes to chips, Tony Pena should be able to pickup a blown save or two in the coming week.

Justin Upton – Left the game with an aggravated left shoulder.  Maybe he shouldn’t have said he liked his right shoulder better.  It didn’t look good.  Hopefully, he’ll be back in a few days.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s out until at least the end of the week.

Chad Gaudin – When the Reds game was over, Dusty flew into San Diego and pitched Gaudin in relief.

Josh Wilson – Backup shortstop pitched in the 18th inning for the Padres.  He looked better than Chad Qualls.

Nelson Cruz - Hit his 17th home run yesterday.  Member what Hamilton did last year?  Yup.  Throw David Eckstein in the middle of the Rangers lineup and he goes 35/110.  Of course, Eckstein would need Chad Qualls to be his designated pitcher.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Day-to-day with a strained shoulder.  Fingers crossed in Beantown that it’s contagious and Ortiz catches it.

Joey Votto – Votto won’t be back when he’s eligible on June 14th.  I’ll let frequent commenter, Sean, sum up everyone’s feelings, “The good news is that Joey Votto doesn’t have the swine flu. The bad news is that he has social anxiety disorder.  Anxiety of what? Hitting another HR in every game that he doesn’t feel dizzy?  Maybe you get to take days off for this shizz in Canada, but where I come from, we bottle up our emotional issues and play like crazy til we have a stroke/heart attack and die prematurely.  Votto could lessen the sting of the scrutiny and judgment of others if he moved into the adult world and called himself Joe or Joseph.”

Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Through 6 starts, he’s 0-2/1.86/1.01/31.  After Wells’s lead was reduced to rubble by the Cubs bullpen, Wells called Haren for some moral support.  They chitchatted for almost an hour.  Haren finally had to get off the phone to punch Qualls in the mouth.

David Huff – 5 IP, 3 ER vs. the Pale Hose.  The White Sox’s offense is some kind of awful.  Seriously, what happened to this team?

Albert Pujols – Got 2 RBIs on a sac fly.  You know how awful it must make hitters feel who hit behind Pujols when he’s pitched around?  Imagine how it feels when the third base coach sends the guy home from 2nd on a sac fly because of lack of confidence in the next batter.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  Sure, but he didn’t have to face Nick Stavinoha!

Matt Wieters – 0-for-4 and batting .143 with 0 RBIs since his callup.  Aren’t you glad you held him for two months? Just pray Gregg Zaun doesn’t give him any hitting tips.  “When you’re hitting, you keep stepping forward with your left foot.”  “Because I’m a righty.” “You rookies think you know everything!”

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  When I saw that he hit a homer, I thought to myself that Lopez has been hot recently so I looked at his splits.  He’s batting .200 in June.  He has been hot!

Sean White – With Aardsma working back-to-back days, White was called on to save yesterday’s game.  I wouldn’t read too much into that.  I would read into that White has 14 walks and 13 Ks on the season.  I’d also read into Morrow has only pitched once in the last 8 days.  Finally, I’d read into Sweet and Low: A Family Story.  Great book.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, 13 baserunners.  Not a bad start back, until you realize he was facing the Ain’ts.  Last year, he would’ve chewed these guys up and spit out a shutout.

John Maine – Suffering from a dead arm.  Just like Bea Arthur.

Josh Hamilton hits the DL and could be out for two months.  I’m not one to say I told you so, but… Man did I call this one!  Schadenfreude, snitches!  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.  Really, no one could’ve saw this coming…. Except me!  Sorry, hiccup.  Of course, Hamilton’s injured.  He was abusing his body like Pookie for five years of his life.  Hey, great that he’s snuffed out the glue sniffing, but that takes a toll on your body.  Look at Courtney Love.  She’s like 40 years old and she looks older than the 75-year-old guy who turns on the lights for your bowling lane.  Then you throw in the fact Hamilton can’t take painkillers for fear that he might relapse so he’s stuck taking Airborne… Bleh!  All adds up to trouble.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – Yesterday, I said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.” And that’s me quoting me breaking bad news to you again!  Turns out the finger numbness was elbow tenditis.  Pitchers with arm troubles yadda yadda yadda.  It ain’t good, guys and two girls that I know of that read Razzball.  (The Ladies love the ’stache!)  Volquez is not a buy low.  I hope you all listened when I said not to draft him this year.  The Reds are spinning it so it sounds optimistic, saying he should be back in two weeks.  Um, wasn’t that what they said two weeks ago?

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER vs. the Mets.  Kinda surprised the Mets were able to find nine guys for Duke to face.

Milton Bradley – Fun for all ages strained his calf running to first.  Umpires around the league won’t have to look over their shoulder for the next few days.

Jesus Flores – Gonna be out for the season.  Bummer as the Flores Fan Club was just picking up steam with Randy Flores joining.

Troy Glaus – Swinging a bat next week.  Wasn’t he just about to get shutdown for the season?  Anything to get in the papers… in the papers.  If you have an open DL spot, I’d stash, but expect nothing.

Jordan Schafer – Was demoted for Gregor Blanco.  This one hurt me hard in my Razzball league.  Schafer was leading the world in sucking the first two months of the season.  I’m going to look at Chris Burke next.  Hopefully, Burke sees enough time to prove his invaluability.

David Murphy – 2-for-4, one steal.  I grabbed Murphy in one deep league to fill in while Beltran digs on the swine.  I don’t recommend Murphy for 12 team leagues yet, but deeper leagues can look at him.

Joakim Soria – Returns from the DL.  Not soon enough as Cruz began to sputter.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Get well soon, Asdrubal.  Your name makes me giggle.

Evan Longoria – Left the game with a tight hamstring. He’s day-to-day, and should be fine after Tony Parker draws him a nice hot bath.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, and a no-hitter into the bottom of the 7th.  I wonder if he’s related to Dan Haren.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday. Now has his average up to .253.  I know, big whoop!  But, and I might be alone on this island, I think he’s got a month or two hot streak in him.  Not an insane .400/40 homer-type streak, but a hot one nevertheless.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 4 ER, 14 Ks and 133 pitches.  He looks like Howdy Doody, but he’s a machine.  I am Rowdy Halladowdy and I must kill Sarah Connor.

Joe Saunders – 5 1/3, 6 ER.  Saunders is the new blech.

Kelvim Escobar – Will start this Saturday vs. the Tigers.  I have him stashed in one league.  Probably be a game time decision on whether I start him.  It’s not a 12 team league.  I wouldn’t start him there.  Not worth the headache.  Just wait to see how he does the first time out.  Honestly, I don’t have high hopes for him to stay healthy, but he’s worth a flier.  The nice thing about Kelvim Escobar is that when he’s been healthy, he’s been effective.

Alex Rios – HR yesterday.  Now .471 over the last 7 with 2 HRs.  Hey, looks like a little razzing has got Rios running through it.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER and pulled after 84 pitches.  This doesn’t seem very Leylandian.  Was it bring your grandson to work day for the Tigers?

Matt Joyce – 3 homers now in 5 games.  What, Gabe Gross is going to steal time from him?  I now own him in three leagues.  I lost Gamel, a middle reliever schmohawk and Krispie, respectively.

Ben Zobrist – The verse is, “The Zo hit another homer.”  The refrain is, “Of course, he did.”

Kevin Slowey – He’s now 8-1 after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER performance.  Ladies and gentlemen of the comments, I’m just a simple fantasy baseball ‘pert.  I do not understand your ways.  Your world frightens and confuses me, especially when you ask me if you should trade away Slowey.  What I do know is Slowey’s been excellent.

Manny Parra – 4 IP, 10 ER.  I said to Sell him last Friday, so I’m absolved of this.  But in one deep league, where there’s few options, I had Pena, Parra, Peavy and Wolf go yesterday.   That’s 23 earned runs in 11 and two-thirds of an inning.  Instead of buying me a daiquiri, perhaps we should go for cyanide.

Jake Peavy – 1 IP, 4 ER. Had the flu.  A’la Ralph Fiennes, “I pardon you.”

Antonio Bastardo – 6 IP, 1 ER.  If only his first name was Ubaldo, then he’d officially have the most badass name in the history of the planet.  Solid major league debut, but it was against the Padres.  I wouldn’t start him against the Dodgers next time out, but I’d grab him in deep leagues to see how the Bastardo does.

David Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Mariners and, no, Ichiro didn’t hit 5 solo shots.

Dexter Fowler – Not only has he stopped hitting, but he’s not stealing either.  He has a lot of promise in keepers, but in one year leagues you need to be looking elsewhere.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-6 and leading the National League in batting.  Here’s a preview of Friday’s Buy/Sell:  Miguel Tejada – Sell.

Vin Mazzaro – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER in his major league debut.  Mazzaro’s from Hackensack, En-Jay.  Fun fact:  That’s where Grey was born.  Betcha he knows where to get a great slice of pizza.  Okay, nostaglia out.  I wouldn’t pick Mazzaro on any team.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER.  He’s been too good up until this point, so I didn’t cut him in any league.  Though I felt like cutting myself.   RIP, Frankie from The Real World: San Diego.  You more compelling than Irene “I’m Crazy From Lyme’s Disease” any day.

Tony Pena – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  I know Tony Pena.  You, friend, are not him.  Goodbye!

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 baserunners, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  After the game, Haren said, “That Tony Pena was an imposter.”

Chad Qualls – Was available last night for the save.  Unfortunately, there was no save.  I’m still looking at you, Pena.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4, 2 Ks.  Like clockwork, this guy gets to .260 then he tumbles to .230.  It’s the patented Reynolds Whap.

Raul Ibanez – 2 HRs yesterday.  He don’t need no stinkin’ Citizens Bank.

John Maine – Supposedly, a Mets TV crew member has swine flu and has infected everyone, except Mr. Met.  The Mets said Maine should be cured by Friday.  And, as we know, when you cure the swine, you get prosciutto.  Ah… That never gets old.  Never!  Now don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

Carlos Beltran – Also with Swine.  Now I know how the flappers felt when they thought they lost their shortstop, Arky Vaughan, with Polio in the summer of ‘35.  Grey, see, I’m starting Arky, but Skeeter Newsome is on waivers and I’m in a ten way tie for first in homers with 3.  Should I make the switch, see?