Fantasy Baseball Advice

In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist.  It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say.  Hey, hey, hey.  Wrists are tricky things for hitters.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September.  If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him.  Not literally, unless you have his permission.  I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out.  The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!”  You tell them it’s a knockoff.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER.  Corpas Christi!  The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet.  Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role.  Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later.  Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-4 with a steal and 2 Ks.  Has 19 Ks in 11 games while batting .233.  He will be every bit the mollywhopping, pony stick waving phenom that he was billed, but there is obviously going to be some strikeout/average growing pains, Mike Seaver.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, hitting .320 over the last week and .290 on the year.  He’s walking that line between yawnstipating in mixed leagues and a very valuable NL-Only corner man.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.80.  If it wasn’t for Ubaldo’s silly season thus far, all eyes would be on Josh Johnson.  He has a lower WHIP and FIP than Ubaldo and a higher K/9.  Yes, I’m doing my best to point out Johnson has been better than Ubaldo.  Too bad only Keith Law will vote for him.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out due to a sore hamstring.  Or as they call it in the Marlins’ clubhouse, “An excuse to not hustle.”

Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks as he roofied his owners.

Kris Medlen – It’s looking promising for Medlen to stay in the rotation and Kawakami to move to the bullpen.  Booyakami!

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he beat Roy Halladay (8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks)  In related news, water is dry.

Chase Utley – 6 for his last 14 with a homer and 7 RBIs since he denied that his knee was bothering him as Davey Lopes said.  The charge that his knee was hurting him may have sparked him to prove the naysayers nay.  Here’s how I think it went down.  Manuel knew that if a coach said Utley had a knee injury, Utley’s pomade would get all bent out of shape and start hitting, so Lopes jumped on the grenade.  Either that or Lopes is a jackoff.

Matt Holliday – 2 homers and four in his last 3 games.  When I saw his recent outburst, the first thing I did was look to see when he started hitting last year.  It was around mid-July.  So you drafted him in the 2nd round this year and he didn’t start hitting for another three weeks last year.  Seems like you owe Holliday an apology.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 4-for-4 with his 7th homer.  Another Billy Beane success story!  Too bad he’s surrounded by Ryan Sweeney, Daric “Don’t Call Me Clara” Barton, Adam “Don’t Call Me Adam Rosales” Rosales and Landon “Not Quite As Good As Landon from the RR/RW Challenge” Powell.

Jason Bourgeois – Was called up by the Astros.  Not a fresh name at 28-years-old, but Bourgeois has the means of production to steal bases like a pig.  But he may not get the at-bats to do it yet since he’ll have to fill-in and work many jobs as the utility outfielder.  How proletariat of him.

Jason Castro – Was also called up by the Astros.  Yesterday, Ed Wade’s toupee said, “You know what this club is missing?  More Jasons!”  Seems like Castro is being rushed.  In Triple-A, he had a .278 average and 4 homers since May 1st.  In other words, we’re probably a year away from renaming the club, the Houston Castros.  In keeper NL-Only leagues, I could see sitting on him if you’re not getting any catcher production, since Castro will be the starter.  Oh, and now that Castro and Bourgeois are called up the same day, Pence may have to put his last name in a kitty to be divided up equally.

Chris Johnson – Finally, the most interesting name of the recent fresh-faced Astros.  Since May 8th when he was activated from the DL, he hit .329 with 8 homers.  He’ll supplant Peter Happy for the majority of the playing time at 3rd base, but not all of it yet.  I’d wait and see in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him and hope he blows Happy’s production out of the water and becomes the every day starter.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Only two walks, which is nice, but he’s so unpredictable it makes it hard to recommend him in mixed leagues.  For NL-Only, he’s a difference maker type guy.

Brett Anderson – He’s due back after the All-Star break, if there’s no setbacks.  That “if” has its own zip code.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts after Piniella tried to self-sabotage his team with the failed bullpen experiment.  If Big Z’s on your waivers, I’d give him a shot in certain 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.

Brian Fuentes – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He gets the Reds next.  My crystal ball says he’ll strikeout 10 and only give up 1 earned run…. Or he’ll give up 8 earned and be removed in the 3rd inning.  I should’ve sprung for the crystal ball that narrows choices down to one.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Buster Posey who?

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3 and batting .063 so far.  Pedro Alvarez who?  Really early to be writing him off, I’d give him another week in mixed leagues.  If you can, give him the week on your bench.  To the bench, Smashbuckler!

J.J. Putz – Picked up the save due to Jenks feeling jenky and Matt Thornton pitching in the 8th.  Guillen said Jenks will be fine, but you can grab Putz (hehe) or Thornton, if you’re really hurting for saves.

Billy Wagner – Got his 14th save.  I usually don’t mention closers unless they’re losing their job, but Wagner’s looking like a $12 Salad.  In 29 1/3 innings, 5-0/1.23/0.99/43.  Pretty incredible year so far.

Jonathan Sanchez – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Hopefully, he straightens himself out quickly because I own him in every league.  Yes, this is about me.

Aubrey Huff – Hit his 12th homer.  Meanwhile, Pat Burrell hit his 3rd.  I’m sure this is not the first time they hit four-baggers on the same day.

John Maine – Looks like the Mets will shut him down.  Too bad, so sad.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now three starts away from his last shelling, and 5 of 6 solid starts since he returned.  Right now, he looks about as safe as he’s going to look.

Rick Porcello – Sent to Triple-A Toledo as the Tigers hope for a repeat of their Scherzer demotion magic.  If they can fix whatever ails Porcello, pitchers from all over may take a pilgrimage to bathe in that holy Toledo water.

Julio Borbon – 4-for-5 from the leadoff spot.  That is all.  Literally.  No steals.  I do think the training wheels come off him and he starts taking some extra bases.

Josh Hamilton – 5-for-6, now batting .337 on the year with 16 homers.  Man, I stepped in a big pile of juju with this guy.  Let me now apologize for ragging on you, Hamilton, for the last two years.  Maybe we can go get an O’Doul’s some time.  My treat.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and two steals before Davey Lopes can say anything about his ankle.

Alex Rodriguez – Him and Posada will probably miss a few games this week with no DH at the Yankees’ disposal.  How awesome would it be if Kevin Russo shows up at the LA game with Kate Hudson on his arm?

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a homer in his 2nd game in a row.  Looks like Tex called up his July talent a week early and will risk losing it to arbitration a year early.

Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs.  Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d.  Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize.  Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts.  Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks.  Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson.  I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09.  So sell fast right now?  Not so fast, Paulo.  I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason.  Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine.  Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in.  Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year?  Yup, you betcha.  But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar.  It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter.  Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer.  Unlike Nix.

Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year.  Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting.  I got flummoxed.  “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro.  Votto and Longoria?  Legit 1st round guys next year.  No foolin’, gee.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend.  I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.

Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night.  After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that.  So far, they’re right.  He’s now on pace for 12 homers.  Drop the confetti.

Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx.  He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season.  If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.

Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Was around this time last year when he went on a tear.  Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am.  Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that.  But maybe.  Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.

Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA.  True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.

Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense.  Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way.  Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap.  Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.

Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  Has minimal speed and a decent average.  If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know!  He’s Yunel Escobar!”

Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save.  I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.

Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.”  Oh-kay.  Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw.  He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest.  George Kottaras will take over full-time duty.  He’s not the dad from Webster.

Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer.  Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear.  Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it.  Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp.  The latter, get off my team camp.

Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious.  Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal.  He’s batting .300 on the year.  I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take.  How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300?  Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs.  Or the 4 homers.  Or the 3 steals.  Okay, guess I answered my own question.

Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI.  Now batting, like, .700 in the last week.  It’s not going to last forever.  Get in now.

Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday.  He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say!  Eat the worm!!!  Oh, that rehab.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year.  Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power.  It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point.  That’s assuming he goes on that tear.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.

Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season.  I wish I were being sarcastic.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.

Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey.  He’s figured it out!  Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas.  Is that problem?  Thank you, I’ll await your answer.”  Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas.  Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them.  There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him.  Could Vargas be okay?  Eh, sure.  He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL.  It’s passable for me.

Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June.  Wait, there’s a phone call for me.  Hey, June, what’s up?  Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July?  Thanks, June!

Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze.  I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.

Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing.  If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat.  Should’ve let Heilman finish the game.  Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind.  He has 64 Ks in 63 innings.  ‘Nuff said.  Okay, I’ll give you some more.  His WHIP is 1.13.  BAA is .206.  Halladay who?  Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging.  A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”

Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  Of course he did!  Why wouldn’t he?  There was a game, wasn’t there?  He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”

Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday.  This could be the beginning of the end.  I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros.  Not fair.  Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year.  He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward.  Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.

Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe.  Here’s what I think happened.  Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.

Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other.  He’ll miss at least two weeks.  On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.

John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun.  I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.

I can’t believe it is week 6 already (though I should have known), most leagues are starting to make crazy trades, build for the future or are just not interested in their teams. It’s been a crazy last few days with some really horrible trades in some of my leagues. It is like trading a broken bicycle for a car, but a league of your peers gets the final say.  Anywho, week 6 brings us either studs or duds, guys you should know and should be owned or guys you should gamble on cause you’re playing the top teams. I like to gamble with streaming a 2 start pitcher, if you have 3-4 reliable guys that give you 6 starts for the week than a questionable 2 start pitcher isn’t going to kill you. What really kills you is when the reliable guys pitch like horse hockey and the 2 start guy does better. Onto the list of 2 start pitchers for the sixth week of fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow (@Bos vs. Lackey) (Tex vs. Feldman)
Allowing way too many base occupants. Has an awesome 11.35 K/9. Lackey has been effective last 3, and gets a decent second matchup in Texas. Is a 6 IP, 3 ER kinda guy, and with his offense that’s ok with me. He is good for a win and 12 K’s this week.

Kyle Kendrick (@ Col vs. Smith) (@ Mil vs. Davis)
On here based on 2 starts away from CB. Both Smith and Davis give up a ton of runs and I like Philly to outscore both. Is the best 2 start win sniper this week. Won’t K a lot, will kill your WHIP, but wins are the key. Pitched great last outing vs. Cards.

Ross Ohlendorf (Cin vs. Arroyo) (@ CHC vs. Lilly)
Returns from the dead, back is all healed up. Or they hope. Gets 2 tough divisional matchups. Was strangely consistent last year and was semi-reliable, got some deep league draft love preseason. I am always against starting DL pitchers on their return, so start with that in mind. Typical lunch pail pitcher.

John Maine (Was vs. Atilano) ( @Fla vs. Robertson)
Typical Met pitcher this year, wildly inconsistent. Gets two favorable matchups this week. Has allowed 3 runs or less in in his last 4 starts. That’s good enough for me for a buy low 2 start guy. Gets you a K an inning to boot.

Scott Olsen (@ NYM vs. Niese) ( Col vs. Cook)
The WW darling after his 8 inning masterpiece on Thursday. I don’t think he is as good as that start, but he isn’t horrendous. Should be owned for this week for his 2 starts. Got waxed last outing vs. Col. Good for a win and 10 K’s this week. Decent pickup if he isn’t owned in your league.

Wade LeBlanc ( @ SF vs. Zito) ( LAD vs. Billingsley)
Gets tougher for the youngster. Has pitched enough to be rosterable. Two tough divisional match =ups puts him to the test. Allowed only 3 ER all year. Guy to run for this week as he is looking like the goods, start with confidence. A win and 12 K’s are easily attainable.

Dana Eveland ( @ Bos vs. Dice K) ( Tex vs. Lewis)
Sneaky good so far this year. Has horrible numbers career-wise against Boston (18.24ERA). He is the second Blue Jay on this week’s list, not all birds are bad. He still has a lot to prove fantasy-wise. May struggle this week, maybe an addition just for his second start.

Brett Myers ( @ StL vs. Penny) (@ SF vs. Zito)
Really been unheralded for the fledging ‘Stros. He is going to be traded to a contender, and when that happens you are going to want to own him. Start by adding him this week. A really decent end of rotation guy. 29/11 k/bb rate is sneaky good.

Trevor Cahill ( @ Tex vs. Lewis) (@ LAA vs. Pineiro)
Has decent track record vs. both teams this week. Only making 3rd start of the year. I think he has the goods, but just not yet. Needs 3-4 more starts and will be a confident add. Won’t hurt you this week, great low end add based on 2 start status.

Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year.  Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool.  Octavio Dotel?  The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel.  Now hold the preceding up to a mirror.  Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill.  Even Roger ain’t Jolly.  The Hoff looks drunk.  And Trevor too.  The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher.  Pick them up in that order.  For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues.  I didn’t go deeper than that.  Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI.  After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on.  Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-7 and 2 homers for The Dread Pirate.  Now has 3 homers and 10 steals as he bats .303.  This might come as heresy, but The Dread Pirate could be a 3rd rounder next year.

Juan Gutierrez – Converted his first save.  Qualls was unavailable even though he hadn’t been used in two days.  I’m suspicious.  And, yes, I’m wearing a monocle.  Closers don’t just turn up unavailable in a one run game.  There’s something here.  I’d own Gutierrez over the Villanueva crapfecta that was listed in the lead-in.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 8th homer of the year to lead the major leagues.  I pushed everyone to draft this guy from the moment he was traded to the Diamondbacks.  Where’s the love?!

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his third homer and stole his third base.  It’s weird, it’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-6, homer and a steal.  Love that, love the Rockies.  I am Eskimo kissing my fantasy baseball team.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, I don’t even like him, but he appeared in last week’s Buy/Sell as a Buy and he’s now hitting, like, .300 for the last five days.  BTW, Rudy just traded Cody Ross for Coghlan in his NL-Only league.  Rudy also traded in his Winger CDs for a previously worn Band-Aid.  Doode’s a trading machine!

Jorge Cantu – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer as he took the lead in the National League in RBIs.  He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is oddly enough the wrong side.  Speaking of Sells…

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yup.

Brandon Inge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He hits ‘em in bunches.  Now has a bunch of three in the last 3 games.

Scott Baker – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Last year, his 1st half ERA was 5.42 compared to 3.28 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he just takes forever to get going.  Whatever the case, I’d look elsewhere.  Not that you need me to tell you, but Baker’s cooked.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Shields pitches well in Florida.  He do what he do.  In the preseason, I absolutely refused to own Shields because of his soul-crushing 2009.  I figured I could get out without any regrets.  Of course, Shields has pitched well and threw a wrench in those plans.  Sonavawrench!

Jon Lester – Threw a seven inning one-hitter with 11 Ks.  Last Friday, I wrote, “If (Lester) doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!”  Too late.

Jake Fox – Caught his 5th game yesterday.  I haven’t talked much about him because he’s hitting .175 with one homer.  Worth noting though in AL-Only and 2 catcher leagues.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 Ks, 13 baserunners as he took your WHIP for a ghost ride.

Ryan Madson – Blew the save and got the Win.  Such a Cuddle Boy move.

Jimmy Rollins – Began a running program. The name of the program is, “J-Roll Rolls.”  Some discarded titles were, “Hurry, Juan Castro Is Starting,” “You Were Drafted In The 2nd Round In Fantasy, Doesn’t That Mean Anything To You?” and “It’s Always Runny In Philadelphia.”

Luis Atilano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  He has 5 walks and 2 Ks in 12 innings.  Don’t even think about picking him up.

Matt Capps – Capps has been quite possibly the only closer to, ya know, convert a save all year as he picked up his 10th save yesterday.  SPOILER ALERT:  In next week’s Closer Look, Capps is crowned a Donkeycorn.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hey, I ain’t mad at cha, but how about you just go on the DL?

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.04 ERA on the year.  No reason why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues at this point.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not as bullish on Leake as I am on Garcia.  Leake’s walks are a mess.  Currently, he’s rocking a 18:15 K:BB.  Rocky road ahead, use caution.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.78 ERA on the year.  He’s been a tad lucky with men on base.  (BTW, Tad Lucky would be an awesome male porn star name.)  Dempster’s probably closer to a mid- to high-3 ERA guy.  He’s no Carlos Silva, that’s for sure.  Take that however you want.

Chris Young – Had his rehab start pushed back due to achiness.  Uh-oh, someone call the giraffe doctor.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer and bats near .400.  Not to totally flip you out, but this great April is coming from a guy who’s usually a slow starter.  Yo, Big Chief Lambreaux, let’s start a parade!

Jorge Posada – After getting hit on the knee, Posada was lifted from the game by Girardi.  Weird, cause Girardi doesn’t even look that strong.  Posada will probably only miss a game or two.

Gordon Beckham – Got the night off to get his head straight.  Ozzie announced the move on his Twitter account by saying, “Something stinks.  Not fingers.  It’s Beckham.  He sits.”

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners with 5 BBs and only 2 Ks.  Since you read Razzball, you probably don’t own Harden.  Good for you, because even the starts where he limits runs don’t look right.  If you can somehow confuse someone in your league that this was a good start, trade Harden.

Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  This save actually makes me want to own Frank-Frank more.

Matt Kemp – In the NL, he’s tied for 2nd in homers with 7.  He’s tied for 3rd in RBIs with 20.  He’s batting .292.  Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said, “(Kemp’s defense is) below-average.  If this is the last day of the season and people are voting for the Gold Glove, his name is not even on the ballot.”  Yeah, he’s no ex-Colletti signee, Juan Pierre.  What a putz.

John Ely – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looks pretty average.  Dropped about a K/IP as he moved up in the minors, which puts him around a 6 K/9 in the majors if the trend continues.  His control should be better than he showed in yesterday’s game, but still he’s an avoid outside of deep NL-Only leagues.  On the bright side, he has better hair than Dennis Farina.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th RBI and now is batting .355 since his call up.  Maybe Ike is a slap hitter.

John Maine – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Well, it is blueberry season in Maine.  I don’t buy this start.  Have Maine call me in 2011 and I’ll reevaluate.

Jose Reyes – I was watching the Mets game yesterday and Pagan and Cora came up and then Reyes came up and I was like, “Where’s the pitcher between Cora and Reyes?”  Interesting experiment, Mets.  Now fix your lineup!  I mean, I’ve heard of batting the pitcher 8th, but I’ve never heard of batting the bottom of your order at the top.  Stop making me think there was a double switch in the 1st inning.

Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff.  When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “My family and I got together with the Fantasy Baseball Keeper posts’ family and we rented a Cruise America RV.  Spent most of our days touring ice fishing spots in Montana and our nights were spent swapping wives.”  Alrighty then!  To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys.  I dislike the Sell guys.  Now I’m not saying to actually sell all the guys in the Sell section or to drop them.  Lots of times I’m simply saying to expect their current positive vibe to turn negative.  Also, if Alcides Escobar is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Berkman is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Berkman for Escobar.  Everything’s relative, Einstein.  Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):

BUY

Alcides Escobar – He stole 16 bases in 45 games this winter down in Venezuela.  (Ugueth Urbina did the same, but it was with a firearm.)  Brewers should bat Escobar 2nd in front of Braun and Fielder.  100+ Runs, 40 steals and a middling average aren’t out of the question.

Francisco Liriano – Liriano Dutch Oven’d your team last year.  You couldn’t even look at the pitching stats some days because of the stench he left.  Guess what, loyal Razzball reader?  That was last year.  Liriano looked tremendous in Winter Ball.  Continued that in Spring Training.  More –>Liriano sleeper.

Mat Latos – You ever just find yourself whistling for no apparent reason and you’re like, “Man, I’m off meth and I’m happy.  Go figure.”  That’s how I feel with Latos.  He makes me emoticon in my pants.

Cameron Maybin – Maybe he was too hyped last year and now people are sticking their toes in the water before jumping.  It’s cool and all, but I’m a certified lifeguard.  Jump, I’ll save you if you need it.

Colby Rasmus – Yes, this is the part of the program where I point out guys that you swore were ready for the majors last year then disappointed.  Remember that when you’re going crazy trying to get Jason Heyward this year.

Travis Snider – Okay, done with last year’s failed crop of overhyped prospects that will make good this year… Well, there is Matt LaPorta.  Eh, I’ll save him for next week.

Shaun Marcum – The matchups won’t always be pretty and he hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2008.  This is a tentative buy because I imagine he’s going to give you a a bit of an up and down roller coastery season.   You can mark him (hehe… what?) down for a low 4 ERA and around 7 Ks per 9 innings.

Felipe Paulino – I admittedly flipped a coin between Paulino and Bud Norris.  Went with Paulino because he’s just slightly more mature.  They are pretty similar guys.  High strikeouts, high walks.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and wait and see in mixed leagues.  Glass is half empty, he’s a righty Manny Parra. Glass is half full, he’s a righty de la Rosa.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve watched draft after draft where Fowler’s virtually ignored.  For shame.  He’ll give you Runs, Steals, a decent average and close to 10 homers.  He’s Feign Victorino.

Franklin Morales – What, you don’t like saves?  You’re crazy.  Huston Street just got injured again opening the newspaper to read about how he got injured last time.  Morales will be the closer for at least a month.  Then when Street is actually healthy, the Rockies will bring him back slowly (meaning:  he’ll only pitch in non-save chances) then he’ll regain the role.  Could be mid-May by then and Morales could have 12 saves.

Ryan Madson – See an 1/8 of an inch above.

Danys Baez – You can look an 1/8 of an inch above or you can skip that and just move 1/4 of an inch above.

Jeff Clement – A catcher with every day at-bats.  Awesome!  Clement’s never shown himself to be a decent major leaguer.  Less awesome!  You punt catcher and there’s nothing else out there.  Adequate!

Ian Desmond – Just writing his name makes my heart flutter.  I feel like Gérard Depardieu on the back of a moped.

SELL

Fausto Carmona – Obviously there was some kind of Faustian bargain made for his sudden reemergence.  That’s nice, Carmona sold his soul to pitch well in Spring Training.  Doesn’t he know Spring Training stats don’t count?  Dur.  This isn’t a sell as much as a don’t bother.  There’s so many pitchers out there, why are you risking this shizz on flippin’ Carmona? Let’s drop a pine tree from your rearview mirror and do a refresher course.  His most successful year came in 2007 when he had a 3.06 ERA.  That ERA should’ve been near 4 and he had 137 Ks in 215 innings.  Your drunk aunt that thinks you’re the mailman can get that many Ks in 215 innings.  Carmona is the new blech.

Jason Heyward – Sure, he’s mollywhopping with his pony sticks right now, but he’s like twelve years old.  Think about how long you waited for Justin Upton to show his tremendous promise.

John Maine – He seems like a good enough guy.  But right now he doesn’t look right.  I wouldn’t go near him with your team.

Lance Berkman – You don’t drop him, you don’t even trade him for ten cents on the dollar, you maybe trade him for ninety cents on the dollar.  Or you wait until everyone’s like, “Ooh, Berkman’s healthy again.  Jump up, jump up and get down!”  Then you trade him.