Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

According to Wikipedia, the Dozens is a game of spoken words between two contestants, common in African-American communities, where participants insult each other until one gives up. Yesterday, we got a fantasy baseball version. Felix Hernandez started in on Max Scherzer first, “Your name sounds like a character from a Michael Chabon novel!” Scherzer lobbed back, “You could throw a no-hitter and lose!” F-Her redoubled his efforts, “You need two sets of colored contacts!” Scherzer stepped back and threw, “You’re gonna be traded to the Orioles for Erik Bedard!” F-Her fired back, “Your first baseman is so fat his blood type is Ragu!” “Oh, yeah? Well, your center fielder is The Big FraGu!” F-Her threw 8 shutout innings with 12 Ks against one of the best offenses in the game; Scherzer gave up one run with 12 Ks against one of the worst. Both: Great. Winner: Last night, it was F-Her. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Andy Pettitte managed to shut out the Rays yesterday for 7 1/3 IP with only 4 baserunners and 10 Ks.  No wonder why he returned.  He was probably sick of beating his kids at MLB 2K12.  “Dad, we don’t mind you playing our video games while we’re at school, but could you stop spitting tobacco onto our all-terrain robot?”  That’s Andy’s kids after a powwow about how to address the problem.  Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Mets doctors said Johan Santana would miss a start or two.  That was a year ago.  He’s still working his way back.  The Mets doctors said Jose Reyes would miss a weekend series in 2009, he missed three months.  The Mets doctors said Carlos Beltran would miss a game in 2009; it took him two years to come back.   Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?