Fantasy Baseball Advice

After 85 years, Yankee Stadium closed its doors last night. Some of the landmark feats that occurred there include, Dale Berra once did a line of coke in the very place where his Dad said something bordering on stupid, but was misconstrued as brilliant, Bernie Williams once tossed a guitar pick to Jeter who used it to de-semenate Jessica Alba and Babe Ruth once told Lou Gehrig, “You should’ve just got herpes like me.” But alas Yankee Stadium’s bidding us adieu. Here’s hoping all of the graffiti artists, trench-coated scalpers, pickpockets and general nogoodniks find their way across the street to the new park. Maybe they can drive a stolen car over there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Devine - Devine was called on to pickup his first save in yesterday’s game. So Ziegler was overworked, right? Wrong. Ziegler was brought into the eighth inning, yet there was no discernible reason why he worked the eighth and was not saved (punny!) for the ninth. The only reason that seems plausible is the A’s want Devine to be their closer in 2009, with Ziegler taking the 7th or 8th innings, and sometimes both. Both pitcher profile better for these roles and Devine has done all he needs to do to prove himself this year. His ERA and WHIP are almost as fly as my mustache.

John Lackey - 6 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER and 12 Ks. Later this week, he might get nothing but a tuneup for the playoffs.

Hank Blalock - HR yesterday. Mentioned to pickup Blalock on Friday. Somehow he made it through the whole weekend without injuring himself so he’s still an add.

Chone Figgins - Back in the starting lineup finally after being sidelined with SSE — Scrawny Sore Elbow. The Angels will probably continue to rest him here and there this week, so he’s no guarantee to play in every game.

Garrett Atkins - HR yesterday for his 20th. Supposed to hit 20 home runs by the All-Star break. Did he get old at the age of 28 or something?

Paul Konerko - HR yesterday. 9 home runs since August 1st, which isn’t exactly a new record or anything, but he’s been usable, especially with the injuries he’s battled.

Scott Lewis - 5 IP, 3 ER. Recorded the win, but barely got out of this one alive as he walked or allowed a base hit to just about everyone he saw.

Diasuke Matsuzaka - 7 IP, 0 ER. Supposed to start on Friday, but you should be prepared for him to throw a short game as he prepares for the playoffs.

David Ortiz - 4th home run in the last 6 games. Pure speculation on my part, but it seems like he got a cortisone shot in his wrist and now it’s paying dividends as the Sawx head to the playoffs. Just as the people on Yawkey would want it. (Again, I’m not a doctor and I don’t even know if you can get a cortisone shot in your wrist. This is all Cust kayin’.)

Roy Oswalt - Only throw 79 pitches so he can throw 80 more in three days if the Astros are still in the Wildcard race, then will start again next Monday if there’s reason to make up the game with the Cubs.

Adam LaRoche - Sore hamstring took him out of the game. He day-to-day, which is slightly less painful than listening to Soul 2 Soul.

Pablo Sandoval - Missed the last two games because of a strained quad. During a press conference, Sandoval’s strained quad said, “Have you seen the size of the guy I’m helping carry around? Next question!” Apparently strained relations, as well.

One guy you drafted in the 2nd round. The Ethier guy you drafted in the last round just so you’d have someone to draft when Rauch became the closer for the Nots. One guy will get drafted again in the first five rounds next year; the Ethier guy may be grabbed as a fifth outfielder then dropped when he’s doing a blahtoon with some other Dodgers schmohawk. None of this affects what you are doing for the next two weeks of this season. For realz! No, seriously. For realz! Don’t make me get punny…. Fine! Ethier you want to win or you don’t. No one’s going to say in October, “Hey, you came in 2nd, but at least you held onto Doumit. You owed it to him after all the great games he gave you in June.” Throw your loyalty out the window. Vlad was good okay in the summer, but the Angels have clinched and they’re going to rest their big man. Ethier has been the hottest hitter in all of baseball for over a month. Respectively, that’s buy and sell or drop and add at this point in the season, because they mean the same thing. You knew that though, that’s like Econ 101 in the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Kelly Johnson - Mentioned him the other day. Where, Grey? My brain hurts! Pickup Kelly Johnson. BTW, you’re lame, random italicized voice in my head.

Asdrubal Cabrera - Batting close to .500 for the last seven games. At this point, I don’t care that he batted .240 on the year or that his first name is a anal leakage diagnosis. This is September! Act like it! (Sorry, for all the exclamation points, but I just bought a new coffee maker and I’ve been going a bit overboard on the caffeine. Speaking of ‘Overboard,’ at least once a year I’ll talk to my Mom and she’ll be watching this Goldie Hawn classic. It never gets old. I think that’s the ultimate mom movie.)

Joey Votto - In the last two weeks, Votto’s been more valuable than Teixeira, Berkman, Atkins, Youuuuuuk, Adrian Gonzalez, Conor Jackson, Casey Kotchman and Prince Fielder. (I don’t endorse dropping Fielder, no matter how good it might feel.) Votto’s the da bomb as they said in high schools back in 2004.

Rajai Davis - It’s with great pause I suggest this schmohawk. But if you need speed, eff it in the cooley and grab Rajai.

Pablo Sandoval - Maybe he won’t slow down until April. Maybe he’ll hit .330 for the next seven years. Who cares? What, you plan on keeping Pudge for next year?

Brandon Wood - For about two weeks now, I’ve been pushing Wood hard. Um… Wait. No, that’s what I meant.

Blake DeWitt - He has 2nd base elgibility. Holy heffin’ hey, are you kidding me?! He’s in Coors this weekend. Why isn’t he on your team? What, you have Polanco? Ugh. I’ll never understand you. Never!

Jesse Litsch - No, I don’t really like the Jays pitcher/slash Rays ex-bat boy, but I do right now. Just be careful against the Sawx next time out.

James Parr - Has yet to give up a run, but that could end in a big way or not. You have to take chances in the final weeks when players like Lackey are being skipped because their club clinched.

Kevin Slowey - I already explained why I think Slowey’s a keeper. Why would you want me to repeat myself?

Bronson Arroyo - I hate this schmohawk as much as the next guy, but he’s pitching well. You have to take some chances in these final weeks.

Taylor Teagarden - 4 HRs in 24 at-bats.

SELL

Gerald Laird - 6 HR in 305 at-bats. See a quarter of an inch above.

John Lackey - Mentioned him above. I know what you’re thinking. His two starts are better than most guy’s three starts. True, but what if they pull him after 5 innings of the 2nd start because they just want him to throw. Or maybe he pitches surrounded by the Angels B offense. Still as appealing?

Victor Martinez - Maybe next year he’ll come back and he’ll be like Resurrection: Tupac, but for right now he looks like Black Sheep’s followup to A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Rickie Weeks - I gotta say whoever is holding onto him, you show great loyalty. Not the best judgment, but your loyalty is impeccable.

Conor Jackson - Imagine a world where a first baseman gave you a little bit of everything, but that little bit reminds you of a 2nd baseman’s stats. Then you have Conor Jackson attached to play the lead. Would that be something you’d be interested in?

John Lackey showed Jered Weaver and Jake Peavy how it’s done. When your team gives you one run, you make shutout lemonade. After the game, one Angels fan said, “Lackey is twice the pitcher of Jim Abbott.” That’s 9 starts for Lackey this year and they’ve all been fantastic. 7+ IP every game. 2 runs or less in all except one (where he had 3). 6 Wins, sub-1.00 WHIP. Lackey hasn’t made a bad pitch since he tried to convince Arte Moreno to invest in his remake of Cop and a Half with John Lackey and Chone Figgins. I don’t know what they did to rehab his elbow but they should give a little bit to Kelvim Escobar. Now if he could only run for Vlad. As for Kevin Slowey, he pitched a complete game shutout. I touted Slowey all the way back in the beginning of May, while remaining realistic about his propensity for giving up home runs. I felt yesterday’s Brewers matchup wasn’t favorable for him, but I also told you Frenchy was a Buy in that May 3rd post, so I’ve had a few bumps along the way. However, if I may beat my own horn, in that May 3rd post I was probably 75% right. Seriously, doubt me. It makes me want to be better. Like Jerry Mcguire. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis - Homered yesterday. In one of my leagues, he doesn’t clear waivers until July 3rd. Seriously, Yahoo, you suck. How has Yahoo become the de facto fantasy baseball service of choice? I’m leaning to returning to ESPN next year. (Of course my favorite will be CBS, but they charge. Then again, isn’t everyone paying money for real time stats on Yahoo? How is this okay? Chris Davis played in two games before he was even added. It wasn’t even like he was added the day after his at-bat. Yahoo is known for being the number one search engine ten years ago. They’re attempting to do some nonsense with new email addresses. I guess this is for the six people who don’t already have a work email, a personal email and a spam email. Yeah, I want a fourth email. A “I’m never going to use this email” email. You can now reach me at YahooFantasyBaseballSucks@Rocketmail.com.)

Mark Buehrle - I started him again last night and got another quality start. I’m worried that I’m pressing my luck. No whammy! No whammy! Ooh… 5 IP and 7 ER.

Eric Gagne - Untuck his shirt Sunday night as he was activated from the DL. Knowing Torres should remain the closer and trying to save (<—pun!) face, Gagne said he’d welcome any job the Brewers had for him. I have an idea. During the 7th inning sausage race, how about a new addition — the crapwurst?

Andy Pettitte - That’s 4 straight wins with a 1.00 ERA over 27 IP. Granted, that includes a start against OAK and SDG but he’s paid off Rudy bigtime as a 6th starter in two leagues.

Jim Thome - I said on Friday that I would be buying once interleague was over. He hit a home run yesterday. I’ve picked him up in a ten team league. Adam Dunn was happy to see me pickup Thome. No longer would he get mocked for wearing overalls and chewing straw.

Dustin Pedroia - Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Mouse has been on fire all month and is now over .300 with 8 HR and 9 SB for the year.

Edwin Encarnacion - Homered yesterday. Do you think he dreams of being Adrian Beltre when he grows up? All you need is one monster season, double-E!

Michael Cuddyer - From the files of 2007 fantasy baseball, I felt like I should mention this schmohawk, but he’s done nothing this year at all. Now he’s headed to the DL.

Oliver Perez - Shut down the Yanks. He’s the equivalent of a crazy hot chick.

A.J. Burnett - If Oliver Perez is like a crazy hot chick, AJ Burnett is like a crazier Oliver Perez.

Brandon Lyon - After blowing another Haren save, it’s quite apparent. He’s made a Brandon pact with Mr. Webb. Todd Jones has made a similar pact with an imaginary pitcher on the Tigers he’s named Todd.

Across all of my deeper leagues, invariably Chipper Jones is on one of the top teams. In the shallow leagues, Chipper is buoying teams above fifth place all by myself. Heard the Braves announcers talk about Chipper’s chances at .400. A question that would make more sense is, “What’s Chipper’s chance to get 400 at-bats?” I think he gets there, at-bats that is, not average. He’s a .309 career hitter, but his average has been steadily climbing as he gets older (which is a normal occurrence, batters just get better at knowing what they can and cannot hit). So he could hit .350. But unless you’re struggling with a lot of low average guys, average is, well, average. Chipper’s home runs have been declining. He hit 29 home runs last year, but 12 in April/May, so his early season outburst this season isn’t necessarily a sign of great things.  Of course, everyone’s main concern is his games played. I think you have a better chance of guessing what Joey from The Real World: Hollywood is going to say next than how many games Chipper is going to play. (Sober Joey, “I’m an alcoholic! And I love the albino stripper.” Drunk Joey, “I love everyone, but really love the albino stripper!” Drunker Joey, “I will rip off the albino stripper’s head and toss it into the eight foot aquarium!” Sober Joey, “I wasn’t like this when I came into this house!” Actually, now that I write it out, that’s much more predictable than Chipper Jones’s injury history. But I digress.) So going forward with Chipper, what did we learn from this exercise? The home runs are not going to get into the forties. He will miss some games. He won’t bat .400, but should get to 400 at-bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Claudio Vargas - Should be owned in all NL-Only leagues. (And all leagues that require you have a Vargas on your team. But then, Claudio Vargas was probably already on a team.)

Carlos Beltran - The Mets pitching staff and I often sat in the dugout sipping espresso, then afterwards would talk baseball. During batting practice, I discussed open and closed stances with Howard Johnson. We laughed about “high hard ones” and Carlos Beltran punched me in the nose.

Scott Feldman - Looked tremendous today, giving up only one earned run. He was about to be featured in the opening, until I realized he was facing the Mariners. Right now, he’s not that great looking forward. (I mean, he is capable of looking forward, just his stats may not be that good in the future.)

Jeff Clement - He’s one game away from qualifying at catcher in five game leagues. (That means he just caught his fourth game, Einstein.)

Gary Sheffield - He’s moving back to DH. The same DH spot that he said was the reason why he was hitting poorly. I think he’s hurting and just playing around with excuses. He shouldn’t be on any teams at this point.

Nick Johnson - He has a sore wrist. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.

Jim Edmonds - He will force Felix Pie back to Triple-A. Matt Murton better clean off his couch.

Manny Parra - Thank God for the Dodgers’s offense.

Guillermo Mota - Let’s try Torres.

Blake DeWitt - Has the highest average amongst rookies and he just hit his third home run.

Jeff Kent - You know how you can tell when a baseball player is suddenly old, when they look like Luis Gonzalez, but not as agile.

Brett Myers - I mentioned before that Brett Myers and I went to poetry night at The Turtleneck on Philly’s South Side. It was April. Brett had just thrown an eight K performance at the Bank. He said he could have struckout nine. I said it was a good outing, though not a great outing and that’s the way it was for future middle relievers. We laughed over this and Brett Myers punched me in the nose.

Ryan Howard - Barring injury, still looking at 40 home runs as he now sits on 8 after a home run yesterday.

Blaine Boyer - Got the Atlanta save. Just another member of the committee.

Ian Stewart - So far I’ve picked him up and dropped him three times in the last two weeks. (Yes, I am that annoying owner.) My thought process is, I pick him up and hold him for a couple of days. When I need another hitter for a short schedule day, I drop him. If I have him when he is called up, I’m golden. If I don’t have him, then chances are he’s on waivers and at least someone has to use their claim for him. Win-win, in my book. (BTW, that book is titled, “Annoying the Crap Out of Your Opponents When They Don’t Restrict the Amount of Adds and Drops, 7th Edition”)

Scott Downs - Just got his fifth save.

C.C. Sabathia - I think this is closer to the Sabathia you’re going to get this year. I also don’t have him on any teams. Just when you think I’m going right, I go left! Or maybe left-right!

John Lackey - Looked solid in his return with 7 IP, 1.29 ERA, 1.00 WHIP and 4 Ks. Pretty far off in the pick the line game.

James Shields - Very solid game in the loss.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-4. His buy low time quickly evaporates as he’s batting .350 with two home runs in May.

Mike Mussina - I mentioned before that I was in St. Petersburg. It wasn’t the first time I had been to Florida. I was there many years ago with Mike Mussina. Mussina had just finished second in the Cy Young voting and we were competing in a Scrabble tournament. He had just pulled the tiles t-h-k-k-o-y-a and I said there was no way he could make a seven letter word from that. He said this is the first time I’ve had two Ks all year. We laughed over this and Mike Mussina punched me in the face.

Lackey, Beckett and Kazmir are currently fighting injury. Lackey’s looks like it will hold him out until mid-May. Kazmir was recently scratched from making his first spring training start due to a lack of arm strength. Beckett… Well, Beckett was oft-injured up until last year. Blisters preliminarily, but hardly a model of good health. What does this mean for fantasy? It means don’t draft them unless they fall way down in your draft. The amount of risk involved with drafting a starter with an arm injury isn’t worth it. Sure, the season is long and by June both of these guys may be okay, but why risk it? There’s a chance that these spring training arm injuries will be a sign of things to come. This is one of the biggest reasons why I like to draft mid- to late-March. If you drafted Lackey last week (I put him on my short list for AL Cy Young contenders and placed him very high (for an AL pitcher) on my top 100), it’s just crappy luck. If you draft later in spring training, luck is removed from the equation. And skill remains. As for…

Homer Bailey. He’s 21 years-old. As Dusty Baker is not someone you want managing your pitching staff, inexperienced pitchers are not something you want on your team. If you’re in an NL-only keeper, I could understand taking a flier. Everyone else, wait until he’s called up from the minors or next year. So who does get the Reds rotation spot?

Edinson Volquez and/or Johnny Cueto.  Let’s look at what our favorite ESPN “analyst,” Eric Karabell, said, :”…Volquez who is past prospect status…” Edinson is 23 and averaged over 9 Ks per 9 innings in the minors. Granted, he is (or was) a bit wild. Later in the same piece, Karabell said Cueto was a prospect to watch. Cueto is 22 and averaged almost exactly the the same K/9, but does walk less people. If anyone knows what Karabell is talking about, please do share. Anyway, grab Volquez and/or Cueto in late rounds in your NL-only and even deep mixed leagues. Rookies that can strikeout people are very valuable their first time through the league.