Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday the baseball regular season started.  You wrote “I heart baseball” in permanent marker on your arm, then you met a girl who wrote “I heart guys who heart baseball” on her arm, then, during sex in September, you screamed out “I love you, Tulo!” and now you don’t have baseball or your girlfriend.  C’mon, calender, make like a soldier and turn to March.  The only cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand-fed Doritos.  First up, Cool Ranch and our preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2010.   It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2011.  To paraphrase the one and only B-Real, “How do you know where you’re at, if you don’t know where you’ve been?  Understand where I’m coming from?”  It wouldn’t be fair for me to preseason rank the players then rank them again in the postseason based on my opinion, so these postseason top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN’s Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I predicted the homers would come down.  Literally.  Only I didn’t think they’d fall as far as they did.  It was the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome factor that I just couldn’t fully know back in January.  Mauer ended up number one and I’d contend he was still overrated and will be so again next March.  Certain guys just get a pass from the fantasy community because they seem likable or have can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness. Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  100/20/85/.330/3, Final Numbers:  88/9/75/.327/1

2. Victor Martinez – V-Mart’s age still hasn’t caught up with him (sorta pun!), but I think, in retrospect, we’re going to look back at this season as the beginning of the end for him.  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  85/25/110/.300, Final Numbers:  64/20/79/.302/1

3. Buster Posey – I ranked him 16th in the preseason and here he is 3rd.  The scary thing is, besides the average, I was pretty right on with his projections.  That means it was another yawnstipating year from catchers.  Preseason Rank #16, 2010 Projections:  55/14/65/.290/3, Final Numbers:  58/18/67/.305

4. Brian McCann – I love McCann, there I said it.  He gives you what I want from a catcher.  Good homers, decent RBIs and doesn’t hurt you elsewhere.  Much prefer that to Mauer’s MI-type catcher output.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  80/28/105/.295/3, Final Numbers:  63/21/77/.269/5

5. John Buck – This was the most bang from your Buck since Midnight Cowboy.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  53/20/66/.281

6. Mike Napoli – I Ron Popeil’d him in a few leagues and I’m glad I did.  Even it wasn’t for the Sciosciapath, he probably would’ve hit 30+ homers. Sure, the average wasn’t great, but, as I’ve said many times, since there’s fewer ABs from catchers, you’re fine with a guy like Napoli.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  60/19/70/.260/5, Final Numbers:  60/26/68/.238/4

7. Miguel Olivo – Well, I ranked Iannetta around here in the preseason and I told you to grab Olivo in April so I wasn’t completely Mr. Bungle on Olivo, but, considering his post-All-Star break numbers were egregious, I’d say his high ranking here is more about the state of catchers.  They’re really bad, ya’ll.  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  30/16/45/.245, Final Numbers:  55/14/58/.269/7

8. Geovany Soto – Member when I told everyone to draft him?  Good times.  Or, more appropriately, okay times.  For a catcher, not bad times.  Here’s what I said at the Geovany Soto sleeper post last January, “Soto’s 2009 was off the charts unlucky.  His BABIP went from .337 in 2008 to .251 last year.  I.e. His average should come up to .270 levels.  His power was zapped because of a shoulder injury.  When he started to get healthy in June, he hit 6 homers that month.  Then an oblique injury sidelined him.  Bad luck followed by terrible luck.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #7, 2010 Projections:  65/18/80/.280, Final Numbers:  47/17/53/.280

9. Carlos Ruiz – Honestly, if you jumped out of DeLorean and told me in the preseason Ruiz would be ranked this high and told me his final stats, I still wouldn’t have drafted him.  8 homers and no steals?  Who are you, Willy Aybar?  Ruiz was unranked, but he made the preseason catchers to target post.  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  45/14/65/.260/3, Final Numbers:  43/8/53/.302

10. Jorge Posada – About two years ago, I jumped off the “Ever drafting Posada again” bandwagon and I’m never going back.  Too old, too tired, too effin’ blind.  Okay, maybe not the last one.  Preseason Rank #9, 2010 Projections:  50/17/75/.280, Final Numbers:  49/18/57/.248/3

11. A.J. Pierzynski – Looking back on these catchers makes me feel like Creighton on a New Orleans ferry.  A.J. was in the don’t draft tier along with Yadier and Suzuki and, looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  55/12/65/.280, Final Numbers:  43/9/56/.270/3

12. Kurt Suzuki – I’d go as far to say Suzuki was actually better than A.J. because he was injured and you were getting stats from someone else while Suzuki was hurt, or, if you were really lucky, you just dropped him.  Preseason Rank #12, 2010 Projections: 65/12/65/.270/6, Final Numbers:  55/13/71/.242/3

13. Yadier Molina – His numbers are even more yawnstipating than Crapolanco.  Preseason Rank #13, 2010 Projections:  40/7/55/.285/5, Final Numbers:  34/6/62/.262/8

14. Ramon Hernandez – Do you see a theme here?  Catchers were so bad, a guy who didn’t even play in 100 games or crack 10 homers is ranked this high.  If you take nothing else away from this post, please punt catchers next year.  Please.  Preseason Rank #20, 2010 Projections:  55/17/65/.265, Final Numbers:  30/7/48/.297

15. John Jaso – I’ve been looking at Jaso as a potential sleeper for next year, but I just don’t think his power or speed upside is great enough.  He might be “The Old Russell Martin (Or Maybe That’s A Young Russell Martin)” at best.  You know, the Martin that actually had value.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  57/5/44/.263/4

16. Yorvit Torrealba – If you owned Torrealba for longer than two months, you didn’t win your league.  There’s just no way.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  31/7/37/.271/7

17. Ryan Doumit – Chew on this:  If Yuniesky Betancourt were a catcher, he’d be ranked in the top ten.  Preseason Rank #15, 2010 Projections: 50/16/60/.280/3, Final Numbers:  42/13/45/.251/1

18. Rod Barajas – Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you your 2010 fantasy baseball catchers.  They are the new blech.  2010 Projections:  Please/Don’t/Draft/Him, Final Numbers:  Do/You/Really/Care?

19. Miguel Montero – I’d say Wieters was the much, much bigger bust than Montero simply because Montero was injured for an extended stretch so you had a chance to get someone else’s numbers from him.  But, don’t get me wrong, Montero was a rather supersized disappointment too.  Preseason Rank #5, 2010 Projections:  65/17/80/.280, Final Numbers:  36/9/43/.266

20. Matt Wieters – Finally, the Billy Butler-sized bust.  As I practice my Saberhagenmetrics, Wieters will be on quite a few teams of mine next year.  Sucks if you got caught in the crossfire of his down year, but one bad season at 24-years-old doesn’t take his future shine off.  The Orioles could surprise next year.  Yeah, I said it!  And kinda mean it.  Though they’ll still only land in third or fourth place.  Preseason Rank #4, 2010 Projections:  70/18/85/.305, Final Numbers:  37/11/55/.249

I told you two days ago to own Justin Smoak in his series in Texas.  Three straight games, three homers.  To paraphrase Young MC from We’re All In The Same Gang, “I try my best to set an example, talkin’ up hyped players over hip-hop samples.”  (BTW, the M’s lost yesterday when the catcher went to complete a strikeout by throwing the ball to first for the final out in the ninth but the ball sailed into right field and allowed the runner on first to score.  Ha-HA!)  Now the question is should you own Smoak the rest of the year… Sure, but that’s not the question.  Tricked you!  The question is about next year.  He hasn’t reached his potential yet, but he is only 23-years-old.  Some have compared him to Te(i)x.  He definitely slumped for half a season like him.  I think those ‘some’ were using that as a compliment though.  Next year, Smoak should have the starting job out of spring training and could provide 25 homers with a decent average.  In AL-Only keeper leagues and dynasty leagues, I’d make sure Smoak’s owned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chone Figgins – 4-for-4 as Chode tries to make his season numbers seem a whole lot better than they were.  Never trust a guy that spells Sean ‘Chone.’

David Murphy – Out with a strained groin.  Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5 and hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  With the Rangers playing their B lineup and Hamilton and Murphy hurting, I grabbed Frenchy in a few arrondissements.

Josh Hamilton – Says his rehab went well and, assuming there’s no relapses, he’ll return on Friday.  What, bad choice of words?

P.J. Walters – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He sounds like the star of an 80′s detective show where he solves all the cases in his pajamas.  P.J. Walters:  The Groggy Eye.  On yesterday’s episode, The Groggy Eye nabbed the cat burglar with nothing but his cunning and nightcap.  Afterwards, he put the Pirates to sleep.

Yovani Gallardo – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Now has an ERA of 3.84 and 1.37 WHIP on the year.  In the preseason when I announced I was avoiding YoGa, ironically, for fear of stress, I said, “We had a good run (in 2009), but it went on too long and wasn’t that pretty towards the end.  I could see my avoidance of Gallardo biting me in the ass because he is an extreme strikeout pitcher, which I like, but the innings jump from 2008 to 2009 raises too many questions for me.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I was right and wrong.  Right to avoid him, wrong saying it would bite me in the ass.

John Axford – Recorded his 23rd save yesterday.  Rudy and I were talking yesterday (we talk, ya’ll!) and he mentioned to me how Axford was one of the top free agent grabs this year.  Rudy’s got a point.  8 Wins, 2.53 ERA, 23 Saves, 74 Ks in only 57 IP.  That’s donkeycornlicious.

Javier Vazquez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  In the preseason, Vazquez was in a group of pitchers I said NOT to draft.  Along with Gallardo, Peavy, Hanson, Scherzer, Shields, Brandon Webb, Jurrjens, Edwin Jackson, Kazmir and Lackey.  You’re welcome.

John Buck – Now has two homers in the last three games and is playing every day.  Nothing fancy, but might be able to help.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his third homer this week.  Seriously, pick him up right now.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-9 with two steals in the doubleheader.  Don’t forget to say thank you to Pagan on Sunday.  He gave you what you were hoping you’d get from Victorino.

Jonathon Niese – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Jonathon (no relation to Dickie Thon) ended the season with a 4.20 ERA and decent Ks.  I could see him being a fifth fantasy starter sleeper next year.

Lucas Duda – Hit his 3rd homer.  Zip-a-dee-Duda, zip-a-dee-ay.  My, oh my, what a Duda day.

Carlos Beltran – Shut down for the year.  Backdate this to May, 2009.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-8 with a homer in the doubleheader.  I may not need the 2nd base eligibility to get excited about Raburn next year.  He may be one of my upside 5th outfielder picks.

Brooks Conrad – Three-run homer as he yelled, “Prado who?”  Then the choir answered, “Martin Prado.”

Matt Kemp – Wrapped up in a deuce, he hit two homers in two games, which isn’t too late for H2H leagues.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Of course Torre brought Kuo into a save situation in the 8th and gave the save to Belisario.  Of course he did!  Maybe Torre lost track of the inning because he was working on his next tell-all exposing Tommy Lasorda’s penchant for calling tomato sauce ‘gravy.’

Clayton Kershaw – The news confirmed he’s been shut down.  Then the news confirmed the last confirmation was wrong and he’s not being shut down.  Then the news reconfirmed the early confirmation and unconfirmed the latter confirmation.  Paddle through the verbiage and you’ll find Kershaw is getting shut down.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock!

Matt Thornton – Recorded another save.  While Ozzie says Sale is the closer, Thornton’s obviously getting the saves.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 with his 21st steal.  He’s hitting .253 with 68 Runs and 29 RBIs, which are soul-crushing numbers.  In the preseason, I said, “I get a utility man vibe from Aybar.  If you draft him, there’s a 95% chance of you dropping him before May.”  I hope you did just that if you drafted him.

Joe Mauer – Will return and DH today.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him sit another day or two in the final four days.

Kila Ka’aihue – Hit his 4th homer in the last week and third in two days.  If you want to read my Ka’aihue fantasy, it’s under that clickie-link thingamabob.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Deserved a better fate than a loss against a Cards team that was featuring Mark Hamilton at first.  Don’t worry, McDonald, January Grey won’t forget you.  January Grey, “That’s more on February Grey.  Oh, and could you wire me some money?  Turns out asking a female if she needs a ride is ‘solicitation.’  Who knew?”

Miguel Cabrera rolled his ankle the hard way, didn’t make his point and was immediately lifted from the game to have x-rays taken.  I have some back-of-a-comic-book x-ray glasses, but I wasn’t wearing them when it happened.  I’m only one man!  It looked pretty serious.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  There’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.  X-rays said it was a sprained ankle, should be more news about how many games he’ll miss.  I’m guessing quite a few.  In other words, it ain’t good.  In other other words, make other plans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Martin Prado – Left the game with an injury to his left hip pointer.  That’s gonna make it hard for his sales presentation on Friday.   I’m guessing he’s done for the year.  If you wanna guess he’s not, then we’ll put my guess and your guess in the squared circle and let them duke it out.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-3 with his 14th homer.  He’s insanely hot right now, after winning Player of the Week honors.  You just lost Cabrera?  Hello, Pedro Alvarez.  You catch my drift?  I mean, you should, it was pretty clear.

Brandon Webb – Will not pitch this week.  If you drafted Webb, I got two words for you.  Ha.  Ha.

Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Everyone should know my feelings on AL East pitchers, especially ones on the lesser teams, so it’ll be hard for me to own Matusz next year, but he has made a strong case in the 2nd half of the year.

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, but whatever.  Do you know he has 10 homers and 57 RBIs?  Marco Scutaro has more homers and only one less RBI.  Marco flippin’ Scutaro!

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  In his final start, he gets the Giants in San Fran.  Best case scenario, Giants clinch the West and the Padres have to fight to win the Wild Card.  Worst case scenario, the Padres have to fight for a Wild Card and Stauffer gives up a quick run or two and Black pulls him for relievers.  Hope for the best.

A.J. Burnett – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I think a 10-15 record like Burnett has on a 93 Win team is almost as incredible as F-Her only having 12 wins on the M’s.  Cust kayin’.

Curtis Granderson – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Actually has been a decent 2nd half for Grandy (which will only fuel his fantasy fire next preseason).  In 225 1st half ABs, 7 homers, .240 average.  In 229 2nd half ABs, 17 homers and .262.  Maybe him and Te(i)x can go play winter ball so they can be up to speed by April.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 19th homer.  I.e., ten more homers than Joe Mauer.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer.  There is gonna be a lot of people burned next year by Blue Jay hitters.  Some should be better (Lind, Snider), others will be worse (Wells, Bautista), another will be a complete crapshoot (Hill).

Marc Rzepczynski – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Adam Wainwright – Slept awkwardly and has a sore elbow and may not pitch again this year.  That’s weird because I figured he slept standing up since he’s been a horse of so many fantasy staffs.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s done for the season.  I said that last Friday.  Okay, I’m coming clean.  I’m a time traveler.  Financial tip of the day:  invest in Blockbuster.

Alex Sanabia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Pirates in the Marlins’ final game of the season.  Depending on your situation, I’d give Sanabia a roll.

Justin Upton – Headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Don’t do it, J-Upside!  He’s gonna make you miss two years and you’ll never get your velocity back.

Jason Bay – Said he might be able to return in August, but he also thinks it’s April and Ronald Reagan’s president.

Brandon League – Got the save yesterday with Aardsma on the sidelines, or as they say in real estate, “Prime neighborhood adjacent.”

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Only six days left until the next contract and then Beltre can nap for three to five years with an option to wake in the fourth year.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has a 2.33 ERA, 1.20 WHIP and 17 Wins on the year.  Yet, I gotta be honest, the 120 Ks in 173 2/3 IP is a bit of a red flag.

Alex Rios – Left the game with a bruised knee, which isn’t nearly as delicious as a braised knee.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA after the All-Star break is below 2.  Yup.

Kevin Slowey – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Disappointing to the last drop.

Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 with his first career homer.  Not sure where that came from, but if you need steals, my man has wheels.  To be exact, 6 steals in 12 career games.

Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer after going 2-for-4 on Sunday.  As I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size, but I’d give Smoak a go for his last two games in Texas.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It wasn’t the prettiest win but you’ll take it and like it.

Luke Carlin – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  Seven words no one should say, “Should I pick up that catcher Carlin?”

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks as he probably clinched the Cy Young.  After the game, a Philly fan was overheard saying, “I’m so happy I could puke on someone, in the good way.”

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”

Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.”  You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error?  They should adopt this for major league managers.  “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! (Scioscia)”  “That’s not old school, that’s good school.  That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on. (Manuel)”  So Peavy has some things with his arm.  Yeah, that’s not a good sign.  That’s like my friend who was trying to sell me a car.  “It just hasn’t been started in over a year.”  I put Peavy in the “Avoid” tier in the preseason because he’s been too injured the last few seasons.  What’s he now?  Injured.  Thank you, your Honor.  I rest my case.  I’d look to sell Peavy.  Unfortunately, no one’s buying him.  Right now, the Sox are only talking about moving his next start, but it’s not a good sign either way.  Or eithurrrr if Mystikal’s reading to you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Resop – Off to the DL.  The Disgraceful List is when a player’s DL’d for sucking.  But what’s it called when the player forces a team to promote them due to a contract issue and then is DL’d because the club just doesn’t want the player?  Disagreement List?  Disaccord List?  Dis Team Has No Room For You List?

Shelley Duncan – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Unfortunate for anyone who had to high five him afterwards.

Tommy Hunter – Left the game with some hip flexor discomfort.  Pretty sneaky of Coghlan to step up to the plate with “The Twist” playing.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, now batting .285 to Andrus’ .288.  Give him the green light!

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3 as he played shortstop for Izturis, who went to the DL with a strained forearm.  If Wood hits and if he gets shortstop eligibility and one more if you’ll have a full house.  If’s over and’s.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like Niese has put his feud with Heather B completely behind him.  He’s pitching well and he has home games in Metco yadda³, I’d grab him.

Fred Lewis – 4-for-5 with his 5th steal as Jose Bautista sat.  The Bautista who is hitting .194 with 5 homers since I said you should sell him a month ago.  In April, Bautista had 4 homers.  In May, he hit 12 homers.  In June, he has 2 homers.  You tell me which month looks off.  Oh, and sorry to Fred Lewis for hogging his blurb with Bautista info.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I don’t want to lose people with K/9 or anything so here… Romero has 96 Ks in 96 1/3 innings.  Thing.  Of.  Beauty.  Yes, I brought out the douchey one word sentences for emphasis.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  BUCK!

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks.  A Baker’s dozen!  Wait, that’s not right.  Eh, whatever.  Baker just about reached the point where I was going to tell people to lose him everywhere so he really needed this start.  I don’t think he’s completely out of the woods, but he’s in a better place than he was after his last start.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3, hitting .311 with 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  First time in a while his line looks like he should have got the Win and what happens?  Gets the loss for the first time since May 8th.  It’s the chutzpah of Wins.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, his 9th homer as he bats .344 on the year.  Who’s been more valuable, Boesch or Holliday?  Yup.

Don Kelly – 0-for-4, ye of a .217 average and .276 OBP hit leadoff.  Your internal monologue, “Why, Grey, I do not understand?”  Because Kelly played center and Leyland only has one lineup card.

Jose Tabata – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  I’m fingercuffed to him and it feels so good.  Then not good.  Then good again.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save.  Guess his back is, um, back.  Lyon hasn’t been bad so I’m holding him for now where I have room.

David DeJesus – 10 for his last 13.  For DeJesus’ next trick, he’s going to walk on water.  The downside is there isn’t much upside.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  About three weeks ago, I was saying he was going to fall back to earth then for the last two weeks after that I’ve been reminding you that I was saying Leake was going to fall back to earth three weeks ago.  I don’t think he’s all the way back to earth yet either.

Manny Ramirez – 3rd homer in his last seven games and 2nd homer in last two games.  After the homer, he got back in the dugout and Casey Blake iced him.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, but only 1 walk.  Look at Kershaw only walking three hitters in his last two starts.  Oh, and he has 97 Ks in 85 IP.  Nasty.

Livan Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  What did this fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH do with the other fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH?

Aubrey Huff – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last six games.  Keeps going like this and he may get a “Huffing Along” post title.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Was hit by a comebacker and removed from the game.  Lincecum should be fine for his next start.  In a weird voodoo doll-type way, when Lincecum was hit, k.d. lang said, “Ouch.”

Pablo Sandoval – Giants trainer said Sandoval needs to be more disciplined about his eating habits.  Earth to ESPN, this is a reality show!  Watch Kung Fu Panda go to the beach and refuse to take off his shirt.  Watch as Kung Fu Panda says no to Kung Pao Chicken and yes to calisthenics.  Watch Kung Fu Panda go shopping for clothes.  “No, Renteria, I can’t fit into these Dockers.  I’m bloated!”