Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.

Justin Upton heads to the DL with an oblique injury.  For those reading, who just got out of a time machine from the 80s, no one has any idea what an oblique is.  And stop wearing Cavariccis.  Upton will probably be out more than the required 15 days, because these oblique injuries that no one has ever heard of are tricky.  With the Baby Backs out of every race outside of The Greatest 3rd Baseman To Ever Grace the Human Race Race, they’re not going to rush Upton.  Does this hurt you to hear?  It’s not my intention.  But just don’t expect anything until September from Upton.  On the bright side, now you have room for Will Venable.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday then he was removed with a sore thumb.  It doesn’t seem to be anything to worry about.  Mini-donkeys get sore thumbs apparently.

Trent Oeltjen – 2-for-6, as he hit his first major league homer yesterday and got two steals for the depleted ‘Backs outfield.  He’s from Australia.  So I guess that makes him a *pinkie to mouth* Outback.  He’s a bit old for a prospect, but he has some mild pop and speed.  Think David Murphy as the best case scenario.  And, to impress your friends, Oeltjen is pronounced like Meltjen but with an O.

Alex Romero – 4-for-7, steal, 3 RBIs and batted 2nd.  He reminds me of Crapolanco.  Not a compliment.  He has a yawnstipating power and speed and a good average.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-5, and a steal.  He’s worth a flier.  Between him and fellow transgressor, Dukes?  I’d take Dukes.

Billy Butler – Back-to-back games with homers.  Worth a look in 10 team leagues for your corner spot.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4, maybe it’s the start of something, but he hasn’t put together a decent month since 2007.  Not a crack, he really hasn’t.

Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-4, and .260 over the last 7 games.  Think it’s safe to put The Big FraGu back on waivers until next year.

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 Ks.  Let’s see, he finally pitches well and now has a 6.66 ERA.  Can someone say Fausto-ian bargain?  I wouldn’t pick Carmona in any league, even a Cleveland Indians-Only league.  Damn you, damn you and your 6.66 ERA to hell!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, and has been scorching hot over the last week.  He’ll also be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell to really drive the hitchhiking point home.

John Baker – HR yesterday.  Member when he was all the rage back in May and you understood exactly what I meant when I said punt catchers, then three weeks later you were cursing Baker and wishing you drafted a catcher?  Ah, yes.  Those were the days…

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5 and 2 steals, batting .344 on the year with 16 homers and 18 steals.  I don’t mention the top players too much unless there’s something wrong.  And that’s not with Hanley… Well, not directly, but, man, the Marlins have really put the brakes on his running game.  He doesn’t have more than 5 steals in any month.  25/25 from your shortstop is great, don’t get me wrong.  But you want more from Hanley, don’t you?

Vladimir Guerrero – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  It’s a limb, but I think when you drafted Vlad you were counting on more than 10 homers.

J.A. Happ – The Phils say he will stay in the rotation.  Basically, take everything I say about Happ and inverse it.  He’s officially confounded me.  That could mean Jamie Moyer goes to the bullpen.  This makes absolutely no sense to me.  Happ has value coming into a close game in the middle innings.  I believe Moyer has no value being used that way.

Shane Victorino – 0-for-4, The Flying Hawaiian looks like he’s really struggling with his knee.  I’m concerned.

Aaron Cook – 5 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with a sore toe.  There goes the Rox pickup soccer game midfielder.  Cook’s probably day-to-day.

Elijah Dukes – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Somewhere Jim Bowden smiles.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, and another homer.  Mentioned this the other day, but it bears repeating, because, frankly, it’s pretty amazing to me how streaky Zimmerman is.  Good to file away in the back of the ol’ medulla oblongata for H2H players.

Casey Kotchman – HR yesterday.  Is there anything more satisfying then when you pick up a guy for a short schedule day and then he hits a homer?  It’s like picking up a girl anywhere but a bar. (BTW, the girl can still be drunk for this to be satisfying.)

David Ortiz – 0-for-5, batting .222 on the year.  I have a sneak peek of his Saturday press conference, “I’m batting .222 on the year.  I used to hit 50 homers and bat over .300.   Yet, I had no idea what A-Rod’s cousin was shooting me up with.”  Borrr-ring.

Frank Francisco – Pitched a scoreless 8th inning. Any day now he should return to the closer’s role or the DL.

Brandon Lyon – Got the save because he entered the game in the 8th in a save situation.  No change of the guards here.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, HR and a steal yesterday.  I literally wrote his name in the Sell section of this afternoon’s post before this game.  Guess his blurb will go in the director’s cut.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Nelson Cruz – Sounds like he’s headed to a DL.  Why, you ask.  Because he can’t throw a ball or swing a bat.  That’ll usually do it.

Rafael Soriano – 3 earned runs, no outs as he blew the save.  Could’ve been worse, could’ve set fire to my house.

Chad Gaudin – What happens when a HodgePadre doesn’t pitch well at home?  He gets traded.  That’ll teach him!  Aaron Poreda may get the vacant rotation spot in San Diego, or Geer or Mujica.  Poreda would have value, the other two would not.

Clayton Richard – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 9 baserunners.  Wasn’t a brilliant start, but definitely worth holding onto for home games and he gets a bunch of decent matchups for the last 2 months.

Bobby Parnell – Added to the Mets rotation.  I believe Bobby Parnell is the little black kid from Role Models.  Not positive though.

James Lipton recently sat down with Stephen Strasburg and when he asked him what he thought of becoming a Nat, Stephen Strasburg said a’la Brando in On the Waterfront, “Actaaaaaa!!!”  Stephen Strasburg is THE BEST PITCHER EVER.  (Caps were provided by Scott Boras.)  The hype and superlatives of Strasburg have been spewed across the interwebs, so allow me to give you some perspective.  The last seven number one draft picks were Delmon Young, Matt Bush, Justin Upton, Luke Hochevar, David Price, Tim Beckham and Strasburg.  One guy in those seven is currently helping you.  One guy could help you.  One guy grabbed $3.15 million and opened a shaved ice stand in Acapulco.  In 1996, Kris Benson was presumably the best pitcher to ever toe the rubber coming out of college with a 204/27 K/BB ratio.  In 1999, Alfredo Amezaga was drafted one pick before Albert Pujols.  I think Strasburg will help your fantasy baseball team at some point.  I don’t think he’s helping you this year.  In deep keeper leagues, I’d grab Strasburg now.  He’ll be a Nat sooner versus later, but that’s only because the Nats number one pitcher is John Lannan.  In one year leagues, wait until he’s called up.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Headed to the DL.  Man, who else strikes out more than a batter an inning, yet looks so vunerable to a meltdown?  I mean, this doode literally will strikeout the side around two home runs.  I don’t think this will necessarily be a lost season for Lidge.  He should come back in July and be ‘just okay.’  Hopefully, for Lidge owners, he gets the closing job back.  I think he will.  Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t own Madson.

Aaron Poreda – Called up by the White Sox.  In Double A, he struckout more than a batter per inning, but he also walked 32 guys in 58 1/3 innings.  Open the Victrola, blow the dust off the scratched record and listen to the B-side of, “Rookie Pitcher/Risky Pitcher.”  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him and expect nothing.  In mixed leagues, I’d prefer about 40 other pitchers.

Jordan Zimmermann – Scratched from start with a slightly sore elbow.  So instead of the Reds, he gets the Rays.  Bummer, mann.

David Wright – HR yesterday.  Wait, what? Home run by Wright. Come again? Home. Run. Wright.  Ah, yes.

Metco – 7 HRs were hit today in Bankrupt Bank Field b/w the Phillies and Mets.  While that would be fathomable with Moyer vs. Livan, this was Happ vs. Santana.  Even odder, no HRs were hit at Yankee Stadium.  (It helped that Josh Beckett pitched and that the game was in Fenway.)

J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Well, the honeymoon’s over and now he heads home to face the Red Sox and the O’s, then he gets the Blue Jays in Toronto.  You gotta know when to hold ‘em… Know when to fold ‘em.  I’m folding.  (Actually sometime between screaming “Screw you” and “Hochevar,” I gave up on rookie pitchers for a few months, so I don’t own Happ anywhere.  But if I did…)

Nate McLouth – Has been batting leadoff for the Braves.  Against righties it makes sense and I could see Cox going to this lineup  more often than not.  It’ll affect McLouth’s ribbies.

Rafael Soriano – Got his fifth save as Mike Gonzalez worked a lefty-heavy eighth.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER.  James Shields, 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER. The answer is… Cueto and Shields.  Who are pitchers that Grey has on multiple teams, Alex?

Ben Zobrist – Hit his 12th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope he doesn’t have his corked bat taken from him.

Elijah Dukes – HR yesterday.  He’s so gangsta!

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-5, HR and 3 RBIs. 22/5/27/.318 on the season.  I have him on one team where I’m in first.  Did I have him all year?  Yup.  He’s a catcher and I ignore them.  Trust me, catchers don’t matter.  Put someone there and let them be.  In February, I put his projections at 60/14/65/.300 and that’s about where he’ll be in September.

Matt Cain – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Obviously not a great start, but as I said in the preseason, he could easily get the run support this year that Lincecum got last year.  Cain’s leading the NL in wins with 8.  He’s still a sell though if anyone’s looking at the sub-3 ERA and thinking he’s been that good.  He hasn’t.

Stephen Drew – HR yesterday.  Batting .393 in June.  I hope everyone held tight on Drew, still a lot of season left.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 15th homer and is batting .269 on the year.  I have him on every team.  Mini-donkey!

Willie Bloomquist – Citing precedence from the 1700s, Bloomquist ruled in favor of the Royals v. Indians as he went went 3-for-3 with 2 steals.  Then the decision was overturned in the 7th in favor of the Indians.  Rightfully so.

J.P. Howell – Pitched the ninth of a one run game… where the Rays were losing.  Maddon’s obviously using a committee.  Anyone could get the next save.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with 2 doubles and a steal.  I feel like I should make this a whole post, and maybe I will.  But if you pick up a guy, you hold him for at least a week unless your team situation gets drastically different.  I only say this because someone dropped CarGo in one of my leagues yesterday and I thought it was odd that they grabbed him the day he was called up only to drop him less than a week later.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER and the win.  I picked him up in a deep league for this week’s starts.  Brewers he beat, he gets the Mariners next.  Then I cash out my chips and dump him.

Mat Gamel – HR yesterday.  Interleague’s coming up.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Arredondo – Sent to the minors to figure his shizz out.  From “He’s gotta be the closer” to “He could be the closer on the Nats” in just over two months.

Matt Kemp – Undoubtedly the best 8th hitter right now in the NL.  How does a .310 hitter with 7 HRs and 13 SBs end up hitting 8th behind Russ “0 HR’ Martin and Rafael O-Furcal?  Maybe if Matt dated a nice Italian girl like Alyssa Milano, Joe Torre would hit him higher up in the lineup.

Scott Baker – The Mentalist followed up a 7 IP / 2 ER / 7 H+BB/ 10 K game against the Indians with 8 IP / 3 ER / 5 H+BB / 8 Ks against the A’s.  Doubt he’ll make it through the year without some time on the DL but it might be worth offering up an expendable closer or outfielder in the spare chance he can maintain this Verlander-like month worth of starts (if he keeps getting Indians and A’s matchups, it’ll only help…)

Adam Lind – Hit a homer as a thank you for writing a post about him yesterday.  You’re welcome, Adam.  Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars…

Brian Tallet – 7 IP, 0 ER.  He has too many walks in 74 innings.  It’s Tallet, not talent.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs.  This came after Manny went into the clubhouse yesterday and let Ethier feel his stomach.  It kicked!

John Baker – Pujols hit him with his backstroke.  Hmm… what were they doing in a pool?  Nevertheless, Baker’s day-to-day.

Nolan Reimold – Another homer.  Yes, he’s better than the schmohawk behind door number 3.

Brad Bergesen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks vs. the Mariners.  The Mariners lineup looks like an anorexic model with a pumpkin head.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 3 ER.  For those who missed the game, Johnson didn’t give up any runs.  The outfield defense for the Marlins is terrible.  Can they please trade Hermida?  He goes back on a ball like he’s wearing cement boots.

David Ortiz – HR yesterday.  Now that he has eyedrops to moisten his eyes, supposedly he doesn’t need to blink as much and can hit home runs. *cough* placebo *cough*  Big Papi’s lack of blinks will probably cost him the lead in the Broadway rendition of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Edinson Volquez left the game after the 1st inning.  Hey, that Edinson-Josh Hamilton trade looks pretty even again, huh?  Volquez was complaining of finger numbness.  Was it cold?  Maybe he can pitch wearing mittens.  If it’s finger numbness from non-weather related reasons, it’s not a good sign.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.  Okay, here’s a pretty general thing that generally applies (ain’t that something?), a pitcher is suffering from anything to do with his throwing arm?  You want out.  Let someone else deal with the agita that comes with a pitcher dealing with arm issues.  Kazmir, Ervin, Baker, etc.  I’ll probably be touting you to draft them all next year.  I wouldn’t go near any of them this year, unless the deal was ridiculously lopsided.  Obviously, Volquez has more value than the other three schmohawks I mentioned, but be wary.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – News hasn’t gotten better.  If rest on the DL doesn’t heal his elbow, he’ll need surgery and will be out at least 6 weeks.  I’d say you’d be lucky to get a decent September out of him, if surgery’s necessary.

Chad Qualls – Over the weekend, Mark Grace, the Diamondbacks color man, said that Qualls was experiencing forearm pain.  (This info was supplied by one of our commenters.  In other words, if it’s incorrect, I wash my hands of it.)  Yesterday, Tony Pena got the save.  Pena definitely has closer stuff, but I think Rauch, or even Juan Gutierrez will see time as the closer.  With Pena getting the first opportunity, he should be the first guy you pickup.  I’d pick them up Pena, Rauch then Gutierrez.  Hike up your waiver wire skirts, save whores.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Back from his oblique injury… which is so obfuscatory!  Solid enough start for a third to fourth fantasy starter, which is what Kuroda is.  Remember, last year he led the league in being a FLAKE.  (A FLAKE is basically a pitcher who goes from excellent to unusable from start to start.  A FLAKE is also Manny Ramirez.)

Scott Hairston – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  It’s the Age of Hairston!

Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4 with a home run.  Now batting .750 in June, but only one RBI.

J.J. Putz – 3 earned runs and is probably out as the setup man.  Parnell, Feliciano and Stokes should share duties.  Though not doodies, that would be weird.

Livan Hernandez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Had a Win spoiled by the Mets bullpen.  He knows the feeling, he’s spoiled plenty of his own wins over the years.

Jack Wilson – Wilson, Adam LaRoche or McLouth, who has the highest average?  If you pulled a Brewster’s Millions and guessed none of the above, you wouldn’t be too far off.

Matt Capps – Got the save yesterday.  You can lose Grabow for now.

Carlos Beltran – 2nd day in a row his belly was bothering him.  Claire Danes sends her love.

Jeremy Sowers – 5 IP, 1 ER and 5 walks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Has owned the Rockies in his career, and the way the Rox are hitting right now, I could probably go six scoreless against them.  Their cleanup hitter was Atkins.  Somewhere Clint Hurdle derisively laughed.

Rich Hill – 7 IP, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s two hitters batting over .300 on the M’s.  Ichiro, obviously, can you guess the other?  It’s not their 2nd, 3rd or 4th hitters, if that helps.

Rob Johnson – 933 OPS Mariners backstop?  Yeah, Jeff Clement.  He’s in the minors.  Rob Johnson has a 513 OPS.  That’s terrifically awful.

Mike Cameron/Ryan Braun – Cameron left the game in the 6th with knee irritation and Braun left early after fouling a ball off his leg.   The Brewers trainer said they’re both day-to-day, but he’ll be monitoring them closely now that he has so much free time without Weeks around.

John Baker – There’s a new Cristal Young in town and he’s catching for the Marlins.  He’s caught 8 out of 48 for a terrible .167 CS%.  It’s so bad… How bad is it?  Prince Fielder tried to steal yesterday.  Though he was caught inflating Baker’s numbers.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Has now thrown three solid starts in a row.  I wouldn’t count on four.

Xavier Nady – Felt pain in his elbow during a throwing session.  I’m not sitting on this doode in any league.  Here’s the thing, he’s injury-prone and he plays in a lineup where he’s not even guaranteed time.  I guess if you’re only using a DL slot to hold him, it’s not that big of a deal, but I’d expect nothing and hope for something.

Joba Chamberlain – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks.  Is this Joba’s Mom or is this?  You make the call!