Fantasy Baseball Advice

There’s so much to love about Fred Lewis. Let’s see… Power — check! Speed — check! A name that sounds like an 80s sitcom character — check! I’ll take Fred Lewis in the center square for the win. Alas, Fred Lewis is about to undergo season-ending surgery on a foot bunion. (The operating podiatrist hopes his patented Toe, Hairy and Curly procedure will one day be as recognized as Tommy John surgery.) I still like Lewis for next year, but this is this year, fool! So now it’s up to German Pantyhose to cover for Lewis’s bunions. Schierholtz had a sexy minor league OBP and power. NL-Only leagues and deep mixed leagues should be looking at Schierholtz, especially keeper leagues. There’s no reason why he can’t excel and there’s even less reason why the Giants don’t play him next year. Unless, of course, they sign Aurilla and Vizquel to four-year deals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tom Gorzelanny - Left the game with an irritation in his middle finger. Pirates fans will happily give him their middle finger.

Scott Lewis - The Lewis without bunions threw 8 innings of shutout ball. He pitched well in the minors this year and I would take a flier in deep leagues. He gets the Twins next time out.

Eugenio Velez - 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, including the 2nd day in a row that he knocked in the game-winning runs. He’s a 2nd baseman with speed that might now get a majority of the starts over Ochoa.

Brian Wilson - 2nd blown save in a row (that I predicted in the comments yesterday and the day before). He’s not going anywhere as the closer unless he’s hiding an injury, which I doubt.

Joel Hanrahan - Kazaam!

Brandon Lyon - In a sign of solidarity with his fellow Diamondbacks pitchers, he blew his own win. He did manage to lower his post All-Star break ERA to 10.91.

Taylor Teagarden - HR yesterday for his 4th in 24 at-bats. Right now, the Rangers seem like the Rockies of the late 90s. They could plug in Luis Castillo and get 30/100. Yet still suck. Nelson Cruz, Chris Davis, Teagarden, they all homered yesterday and they all could homer tomorrow (or K three times). Recognize!

Kelly Shoppach - 2 HRs yesterday. I have Shoppach, Dioner and Doumit on three separate teams. One was an All-Star, one was hyped up and one backed up V-Mart. Guess which one is doing the best. Fantasy Baseball, this shizz is predictably unpredictable. Ya gotta love it.

Manny Ramirez - Nearly .400 while chipping in 14 HRs and 40 RBIs in 129 at-bats since joining the Dodgers. Good thing the Sawx got that albatross off from around their necks.

Ted Lilly - 8 IP, 1 ER. Wholly inconsistent and I wouldn’t want my fantasy baseball championship decided by this schmohawk, but you do what you do. He gets the Brewers next.

Kevin Slowey - 7 IP, 1 ER. Here’s a schmohawk I can get behind. He gets the Indians next.

James Parr - 6 IP, 0 ER and no relation to Jamie Farr. So far he’s thrown 12 innings of shutout ball. Maybe he’s just got hitters baffled because they haven’t seen him before. Deep leagues should be looking at him just in case he can keep it going. I have my doubts though.

Troy Percival - Left the game with back spasms. The Rays should just have Wheeler play 2nd when Percival pitches to save everyone time by doing a double switch. By his own admission, Percival will be out for a few days. I don’t think he said it in third person like Suede from Project Runway.

Felix Pie - Will see time down the stretch. Weird, cause I really thought Edmonds and Fukudome were doing a spot-on job.

Adam LaRoche - HR yesterday. He’s not only due, but he’s hot. Hot and due (yes, that does sound like a weird preggers porn) is a great combo to have in mid-September.

Kelly Johnson - 2 HRs yesterday. Against righties, he should be started on all teams. When he gets hot, he can put up very nice stats in a short period of time. He’s already hitting .486 in September. Get on that Johnson! (Um, huh?)

Cristian Guzman - 2 HRs yesterday. In other news, smoking is a healthy alternative to “just breathing.”

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

Joel Hanrahan had 2 saves yesterday in the Nationals’ sweep of Colorado 6-3, 6-3 as they decided to emulate a successful tennis player instead of a successful golfer for a change (hitting below par). Hanrahan set a new Nationals record for most saves in a doubleheader, series, week, and month. On a related topic, Chad ‘Rip-Cord’ Cordero spent the day ironing his hat brim. One of the stars of the game was Emilio Bonifacio, who went 4-for-10 in the doubleheader. I mentioned him yesterday for fantasy baseball hittters to pickup, but I feel like he might need to get flogged a little into your collective minds, because I’m not feeling the love. He is the lightning fast, leadoff man/second baseman for the Nats. This schmohawk could steal as many bases in the last two months as Roberts did in the 1st half. What, you say you don’t like players whose last name you can’t pronounce? SAGNOF! SAGNOF! Saves/Steals Ain’t Got No Face! Felipe Lopez was dropped by the Nats to show their commitment to Bonifacio. Now show yours. The other star of the twin bill was Lastings Milledge, who went 5-for-9 with 2 HRs. Now has four HRs in August. He could continue his hot hitting. Luckily the Nats bring in less than 1,000 fans per game or that would be a lot of high fives. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Schoeneweis - With Wagner out, the question was who would step in his shoes. Schoeneweis entered the ninth and promptly blew the save. Looks like the Mets found a Wagner replacement. Now to find a closer.

Aaron Heilman - 2/3 of an inning and the gift win. Don’t worry, he’ll balance it out with a loss when he’s inserted into the closer role.

Jody Gerut - Another HR yesterday. Okay, this the last time I’m mentioning him.

Chase Headley - 2 HRs in last two games. In the one league where I had Headley, I got bored of him and the Padres’ offense so I picked up Andy LaRoche. What invariably happens when you drop someone? They get hot.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 5 IP, 6 ER. I told you last week, “Last year, (Ubaldo) had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.” And that’s me quoting me!

Justin Duchscherer - 5 IP, 4 ER. Member that correction I warned you about? The one where I said Duchscherer is going to fall back to earth? Yup and uh-huh.

Scott Feldman - 7 IP, 2 ER. Mazel Tov. You’re a man now!

Clayton Kershaw - 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. Evidently, Alyssa Milano’s advice to breath through his eyeballs helped. That and the blow job.

Jeff Francis - 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER also known as the ‘Colorado Rockies Quality Start.’ Throw Francis in the Snell Bag of starters who were useful last year, but currently are not.

Chris Volstad - 6 IP, 0 ER. While his name makes him sound like a cocky little douche like Josh Beckett, he’s actually a sinker ball pitcher. Go figure.

AJ Burnett - Despite a 4.50 ERA and pitching for the Jays, Burnett pitched a so-so game to net his 14th win. That’s worth 9 wins in America. Ask Johan.

Dan Uggla - 0-for-4. .179 since July 1st. It’s a long, bumpy road back to a .250 career average.

Brian Giles - Might be traded to the Red Sox. Could be interesting to see him hit some walks off The Green Monster.

Jim Leyland - Suggested newly appointed closer, Joel Zumaya, go to an instructional league this winter to learn to be a closer. If that makes no sense to you, welcome to my brain. Hopefully the instructional league is somewhere without forest fires or Guitar Hero. Leyland volunteered to visit him in hopes that the Caribbean Duty-Free stores have nice discounts on Marlboro Reds.

Manny Ramirez - HR yesterday. The league is investigating the circumstances surrounding the Red Sox-Dodgers trade of Manny Ramirez. When asked about his departure from the Red Sox, Manny responded “By plane.”

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo, Justin Speier)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Jose Veras, Damaso Marte)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson)
6. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
9. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
10. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
11. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
12. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo)
13. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
14. George Sherrill, BAL (Fernando Cabrera/Jamie Walker/Jim Johnson)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
17. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and C.J. Wilson– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Kinsler in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Carlos Marmol/Kerry Wood, CHI (Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Billy Wagner, NYM (Eddie Kunz, Aaron Heilman, Duaner Sanchez)
21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Brad Ziegler, Alan Embree, Joey Devine)
22. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, Al Reyes)
23. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
24. Brandon Morrow/J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Zumaya)
26. Masa Kobayashi/Rafael Perez, CLE (Rafael Betancourt)
27. Chris Perez, STL (Kyle McClellan, Ryan Franklin)
28. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Luis Ayala, Saul Rivera)
29. C.J. Wilson/Eddie Guardado, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
30. Tyler Yates/John Grabow/Denny Bautista/Corky Thatcher, PIT

Finally, Francisco Liriano looked like the fantasy baseball player that we all wanted when we drafted him back in March. And by “we,” I mean you. How did I know you drafted Liriano? Because, when you drafted, I was in your room, sitting behind the John Cena life-sized cardboard cutout, eating your Raspberry Newtons, while I read your Choose Your Own Adventure book. You think that’s freaky? I’m still there. Only you can’t see me. Muahahahaha…ha. So Liriano put together a great first start back after dominating Triple-A, yet there’s some savvy fantasy baseball owners out there that will see this for what it is, an opportunity to sell. Buh-buh-but, Grey, Liriano could dominate? Yeah, so can Campillo, Randy Johnson, Nolasco and Myers, but none of those guys have the name/trade-value Francisco Liriano has right now. Do I think Liriano will be good? Sure. But if you need a piece other than a starter who is riskier than people are perceiving him, then go for it. Don’t forget, I’m watching. Boo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner - 2 MRIs in 2 weeks is 2 many; 2 bad; K.I.T, BFF. On a scale of worthy replacements, Aaron Heilman and Duaner Sanchez fall right between Shemp and Curly Joe. The Mets called up Eddie Kunz, their Double-A closer. This, fellas, is anyone’s ballgame for at least a few weeks, if not the rest of the season.

John Maine - Maine hit the 15-day DL. This is a move that’s probably about a month overdue. He should be back in a couple of weeks.

Manny Ramirez - 4-for-5, HR, 3 RBIs. Imagine you’re a waiter for Applebee’s. You slack off for two years, deciding customers can get their own mozzarella sticks from the kitchen. Then Applebee’s starts saying you haven’t been doing your job, which is absolutely true, but you don’t want to hear it. You quit and take a job at the Olive Garden, knowing if you work for two months then you will get a huge bonus in the winter and be able to go anywhere — Chili’s, Cheesecake Factory, you name it. So do you bust your hump at the Olive Garden or do you continue to slack?

Stephen Drew - Yesterday, 3-for-5 with a HR, and over .350 in last 7 games. So far not a “step forward” season, but he’s worth the gamble the rest of the way to see if he can get hot.

Xavier Nady - 4-for-5, HR and 6 RBIs. Let’s go back to the 7th day of the season, shall we? “Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention (Nady) on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year.” You know what’s funny? (Not funny funny, just mildly interesting funny.) People are still asking me if they should pick up Nady. No love for the X-Man.

Fernando Rodney/Kyle Farnsworth/Joel Zumaya - Triumvirate, noun 1. a group of three closers that are making Todd Jones feel missed. 2. Sounds like it’s a Latin combination of triumphant and irate, but it’s not.

Mike Aviles - 4-for-4, HR. Check out his ESPN player photo. Talk about respect. For those who are interested in what he looks like, here’s Mike Aviles.

Mariano Rivera - Back spasms. Supposedly he’ll be okay. Jose Veras would’ve been who they turned to. Okay, save vultures, pick apart Veras’s bones.

Jose Guillen - Homered for the 2nd straight day and 3rd this week. Worth a pickup, just drop him when he realizes he’s stuck with the Royals until the end of the season.

Alfonso Soriano - The other day someone asked me for some names that could hit 15 HRs between now and end of season. In two months, this is a very difficult assignment (to hit 15 HRs, it’s not difficult to pick guys), the list looked like this (the order is their likelihood of getting to 15 HRs): Dunn, Soriano, Holliday, Burrell, Braun, Carlos Lee, Hamilton, Cust, Krispie and Vlad.

Andy LaRoche - HR yesterday. In leagues where you need to take some risks, I’d look at LaRoche. Then try and find anyone else, then look at LaRoche again, then take a steam, get a massage (you look stressed), get a bite to eat, play nine holes, then look over your 3rd base choices again and, if your choices are still limited, grab LaRoche.

Rafael Soriano - He’s done for the year. Back date this to April.

Chone Figgins - Another 4 hit game. Oh Figgy give him one more chance.

Joel Hanrahan - Picked up his first save since Rauch was traded. As I said when the trade went down, Rauch only had 17 saves in over half of a year, Hanrahan’s not netting 20 in two months. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jorge Campillo - 7 IP, 6 Ks, 0 ER. He replaced Harang on most of my deeper teams. Now I don’t care if I ever see Harang again. Okay, that’s mean. I wanna see Harang again, just not on any of my teams.

Shane Victorino - 10th HR as he threatens to run away with the HR crown in the Victorino vs. Rios battle.

Ryan Ludwick - I’m convinced LaRussa could make Austin Kearns an All-Star (while batting him ninth and the pitcher fourth).

Brett Myers - Only one walk in his last two starts. Definitely worth taking a look in deeper leagues. Maybe he’s taking a similar route to Wainwright last year when it took him half a year to shake being a closer the previous year. Or maybe Myers’s trip to the minors smacked some sense into him. Though it’s usually Myers smacking the minors.