Fantasy Baseball Advice

Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred.  Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will.  Santos was made for this job.  He’s a cyborg.  A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada.  Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts.  Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick.  Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP.  Who are you, Carlos Marmol?  I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K.  Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith.  Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t.  Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted.  I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood.  If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.

Luke Gregerson – As of right now he’s going to be the Padres closer.  His K-rate was about as ugly as it gets for relievers.  Easily the worst K-rate for a successful reliever. (No data was shifted through to verify this, but he had a 5.50 K-rate; that’s egregious.  Or Egregerson, if you will.)  Does any of this matter if Gregerson’s on the board late and he’s still the closer in March (the Padres might get someone else or change their minds; it’s their prerogative)?  Nah, I’d draft Gregerson on every team of mine if he’s the closer.

Jon Rauch – Is anyone changing teams besides relievers?  C’mon, Pujols and Fielder, sign already!  For now, we have Rauch to talk about.  Yay.  He signed with the Mets to set-up in the 8th inning and reach things off of high shelves.

Frank Francisco – Hey, it’s Stank Fartcisco!  Long time no hear from.  The Mets brass, “Francisco and Rauch were so good in Toronto last year, let’s get them to close out our wins!”  Janitor overhearing them, “They weren’t good.”  Mets brass, “Hey, Janitor, you wanna manage the team?”  Janitor, “I am.  I’m Terry Collins.”  Mets brass, “Who?”  I’d be more than willing to draft Francisco since he’ll be getting saves, but it won’t be pretty.  I guarantee at least five times during 2012 you’ll hear me say, “Rauch is now the closer.”  Then a week later I’ll say, “Francisco’s the closer.”  Then a week after that I’ll say, “Hey, whatever happened to Bobby Parnell?”

Angel Pagan – Was traded to the Giants for Andres Torres (and Ramon Ramirez).  This trade happens in your fantasy league when two owners grow bored and trade apples for apples.  Neither of these apples are delicious.

Joe Saunders – Stays with the Diamondbacks.  NL West hitters rejoice.

Aaron Harang – The Harangutan brings his ugly mug to the Dodgers.  These are the times when I’m glad I don’t have to do Alyssa Milano’s job of sleeping with every Dodgers player.

Nate McLouth – Goes back to Pittsburgh.  Pirates obviously want to put together a McOutfield.  First one between Tabata and Presley to add Mc gets the starting gig.  There hasn’t been a complete McOutfield since the Federal League’s Boston Bogtrotters in 1915.

Matt Capps – Resigns with the Twins.  Member when Nathan signed with the Rangers and you asked me, “Grey, que paso?  Donde es Twins closer ahora?”  And I said, “Shut the SAP button off your computer.”  Good times we had.  Any hoo!  Capps will be the closer in Minny until he turds up their games and Gardenhire starts picking his bullpen scab.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Signed by the Dodgers.  First Harang and now Hairston Jr.!  Dodgers look like they’re putting together a team using Groupons.

Kendrys Morales – Has been swinging aggressively and jogging on a weightless treadmill.  Looks like NASA’s got their first baseman!  In the moon league that Kendrys is training for, when you celebrate a game-winning home run, you gently fall down to home plate.

Kevin Slowey – To the Rockies.  That’s like dressing up Tina Turner as a piñata and inviting her to a quinceañera.

Dmitri Young – Lost 70 pounds and wants to get back into baseball.  The last time that much excess Young weight was lost was when the Twins traded Delmon to the Tigers.

Aroldis Chapman – Sounds like he won’t be in the rotation again in 2012.  Him and Joba should commiserate about how their clubs are totally Mr. Bungling their careers and costing them millions.

Bryce Harper – I already went over my Bryce Harper 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while receiving shock therapy.  Since then the Nats said he might be the starting right fielder out of camp.  If I may read between the lines, what they actually said was, “We are not having Harper start out of camp, but we’d sure like to sell some tickets to our home games in April besides the ones Strasburg is pitching.”

Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia.  I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus.  On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse?  3 feet?  4 feet?  I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.”  I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year.  Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right?  I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it?  I think so.  With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league.  He hit 3 homers this year.  As in between 2 and 4.  Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – Probably done for the year.  In related news, Morneau, Mauer and Kubel have a fishing trip planned for the first weekend of October and all Twins fans have a hunting trip planned for the same weekend.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Done for the year.  Back date that to March.  Are the Twins fielding a team this final week and a half?

Brian Dinkelman – 4-for-5 yesterday and 7 for his last 9.  When your team’s good news is Brian Dinkelman, you got a big fish that needs some frying or whatever that cliche is.

Ryan Howard – Out until Thursday, which will probably mean he plays only sporadically even after that.  Ross Gload will fill in.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won his 24th game yesterday.  That’s pretttay pretttay good.  Tough year to be Jered Weaver.

Joakim Soria – Didn’t pitch this weekend.  Now all the Royals’ 9th inning eggs are hoping for some good Holland days.

Pablo Sandoval – Hit two homers in one inning.  When you throw Sandoval two meatballs, he jumps on them.

David Price – Left after 4 innings after being hit in the chest by a liner.  Should be fine for his next start, which he will throw while wearing knight’s armor.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5 with a steal.  In roughly a third of the season, he has 9 homers and 18 steals.  Yeah, go ahead and times those by three.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  There should a glossary term for these K-heavy pitchers that are a total tease.  You suggest in the comments, thank you.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with two homers.  Be nice if he went on one of his crazy 6 homers in 8 games binges.  Cust kayin’.

Joe Saunders – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He came through big time for my borderline starter post from Thursday.  (And Matt Harrison too.  Brad Lincoln, not so much.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with a homer.  With 8 homers and 45 Ks in 40 games this year, he’s either gonna be something special next year or a flat-out bomb.

Mark Reynolds – Homered on Friday and Saturday, then was beaned in the head by a Ervin Santana pitch.  His CT scan came back negative, then the CT scan picked up Johnny Bananas and carried him to the other side of The Gulag.

James Loney – 5-for-6 yesterday and two homers in two games on Friday and Saturday.  I don’t like saying to pick up Loney, so if I wink, it means pick him up.  Wink.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have two things to note, neither of which is that interesting.  First, I can’t believe Greinke is barely under a 4.00 ERA in the NL.  Second, I can never remember if it’s a H or a K with Zack.  From writing 1200+ words five days a week about these players, I can spell Saltalamacchia without looking it up.  I could be in a baseball spelling bee and kick serious ass and get tripped up by spelling Zack.  I feel like there should be a standard Zack spelling.  H or K, that’s it.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-4, 2 homers, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and now hitting .434 in September.  Looks like a classic Septacular performance.

Adrian Gonzalez – It was revealed this weekend that he’s only taking batting practice every other day due to weakness in his shoulder.  He said, “(The weakness is) fine.  It’s the end of the year.”  Um, maybe in San Diego.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in three games.  Sawx kinda have to win games and Aviles, McDonald, Salty, Scutaro and Conor Jackson (when I saw his name as C. Jackson in the box score, I thought it was Curtis Jackson) are playing and Wakefield is pitching.   Up the team salary to $300 million.

Brandon Beachy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 8 earned in his last 9 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  The good news for people who like bad news is he’s tired.   The other bad news is he might struggle next year if the Braves don’t shut him down.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 as he hit 8th in front of the pitcher.  He should consider apologizing to Fredi for whatever transgression he did to him or his family.  Meanwhile, pray he doesn’t hit three homers in one game in the playoffs and get on everyone’s radar again.

Manny Acosta – Closed out yesterday’s game while Parnell worked the 8th.  Honestly, I think the Mets are going to get a closer in the offseason and don’t really care who gets the ball in the ninth right now.  It’s not like they’re grooming anyone.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins’ Brad Hand.  For a change of pace, this game saw Wang beating Hand.

A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 yesterday and a homer on Saturday.  He should be playing every day, but he’s not.  I feel like someone should write a song titled, “The 28-Year-Old Rookie.”  Belle and Sebastian, where you at?

Jordan Pacheco – Batted third yesterday and went 0-for-4, but is hitting .320 over the last week with a homer.  He did so little in Triple-A this year, it’s kinda comical (3 homers, 2 steals, .278).  Guess if you’re really hogtied in a very deep league, you can take a look.

Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Before this game, he hadn’t done much since he started, uh, starting.  But maybe this is the beginning of something.  Only Miss Cleo knows for sure.

Matt Holliday – Inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, it sounds like Holliday’s done for the year.

Mariano Rivera – Tied Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Right after he breaks the record, the Yankees announced Bobby Parnell would take over as closer.

Wouldn’t say this is crunch time as much as this is “Your nuts are in a cracker and the season’s closing in and squeezing tight so you better just throw any pitchers that are available because you need stats — stat!” time.  The line for last week was 80 IP, 4.05 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 50 Ks and 3 wins.  Not a great line, but if you throw out Lannan and Francis because you had better sense than me and didn’t start them.  The line comes down to 3.42 ERA and 1.37 WHIP.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 16th

Philip Humber – It’s really slim pickins on Friday for under 50% owned starters.  I’m not a huge fan of Humber but compared to some of the other schmohawks, well, here he is.

Jeff Locke – On Friday, Locke goes against the Smoke Monster in chess and the Dodgers’ weak offense.

Saturday, September 17th

Jeanmar Gomez – Gets the Twins, has only given up 3 earned in the last 17 and a third innings and when you say his first name it causes phlegm.

Rick Porcello – Don’t trust Porcello at all but he goes to a -co stadium and faces the A’s.

Chris Volstad – In his last three starts, 17 1/3 IP and 3.12 ERA.  Here he takes on the Nats and Strasburg’s three to five innings of work.

Sunday, September 18th

Joe Saunders – In 22 innings vs. the Padres, he has a 2.05 ERA and a .190 BAA.  Kill me now for recommending Saunders.

Matt Harrison – 1.84 ERA vs. the Mariners, though I’m not sure there’s any pitchers with a 2+ ERA vs. the M’s.  Maybe Liriano or Danks.  Schmohawks.

Brad Lincoln – Gave a pretty yawnstipating start last time out, but here I am going back to the well like Baby Jessica.

Monday, September 19th

David Huff – I never said the names on this list were gonna be pretty.  There’s only a few teams I could see starting Huff against:  the Mariners and the Mariners minor league affiliates.

Mike Minor – He just dismantled the Marlins (with a four walk performance in 5 2/3 innings — technicalities!).

Tuesday, September 20th

Jason Vargas – Choices aren’t Grade A when I’m taking on a Mariners starter, but it was between him and To Be Announced.  And I don’t like To Be Announced’s matchup.

Edwin Jackson – Highest compliment I can give any guys on this list is when I think one should be owned in more than 50% of leagues.  Jackson’s one of those guys.

Derek Holland – Last three starts (when this was written), 1.77 ERA and 21 Ks in 20 1/3 IP.

Wednesday, September 21st

Dana Eveland – He/she gets the Giants in Chavez Ravine.  Giants have a .236 average vs. lefties, which is only slightly worse than what they’re batting against righties.  As for the lack of other options today, they were kinda Plouffey.  I almost put down Brett Cecil, but he’s all over the map and not in the good traveling circus kind of way.

The playoffs roar on.  I am calling this week’s entry the De-Fib kit for your playoff hopes, the in case of emergency break glass list.  Well how bad could it honestly be,  if you’re still alive in the playoffs or are still trying to steal those last few points.  It’s a better alternative than being out of the playoffs and looking forward to fantasy hockey.  Shameless cross promotion is never a bad thing.  The fringe benefits are awesome, as I received a signed picture of Dick Button and a glass of water with a note attached saying it was ice from the Montreal Forum.  So continue the good fight as the playoffs continue on, comments or pitch or ditch questions are always welcome.  Good luck. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

9/14
Luke Hochevar vs. Min – Pavano
Wade Davis @ Bal – Guthrie
Chris Narveson vs. Col – Millwood

9/15
Randy Wells @ Cin – Bailey
Chris Capuano vs. Was – Milone

9/16
Jeff Locke @ LA vs. – Kuroda
Wade Miley @ SD – Stauffer
Derek Lowe vs. NYM – Batista
Philip Humber @ KC – Paulino
John Lannan vs. Fla – Sanchez

Brett Myers (Phi vs. Oswalt, @CHC vs. Dempster) Two consecutive 1 ER outings in a row, technically 3 if you count the one in relief.  It’s Houston so you need to look on the brighter side when looking at stats.  Man, that possible change to the AL can’t come fast enough.

Eric Surkamp (SD vs. Harang, @Col vs. Pomeranz) The Giants are the Krylon of baseball.  If they score any runs pray for a rain shortened game.  Back end of the rotation potential type for next year.

Dillon Gee (Was vs. Wang, @Atl vs. Beachy) The second most popular Dylan/Dillon in NY next to the candy bar. Which if you haven’t been is the diabetic purgatory.  Faces Wang and at a Beachy — sounds like Sandy Hook.

Bruce Chen (Min vs. Hendriks, CHW vs. Peavy) Which Bruce shows up this week, the one that we make fun of or the one we get made fun of for using.  My inner Bruce Chen is flying a kite and whistling “Magic” by the Cars.  Spotty with a chance of bed wetting, is my professional fantasy scouting report of Chen.

Brad Lincoln (STL vs. Lohse, @LA vs. Eveland) In the playoffs see a penny pick it up, all the day your fantasy team may suck.  Previous 6 inning shutout of the Cards helps his case, LA just plain sucking is the Mrs. Butterworth’s on top. Random unrelated fact of the day, Mrs. Butterworth’s first name, Joy. You’re welcome.

R.A. Dickey (Was vs. Detwiler, @Atl vs. Hudson) I am not ashamed to say that I like me some Dickey this week.  Why is everyone laughing? Kanye likes the fish version, why can’t I like the baseball version?

Guillermo Moscoso (Ana vs. Williams, Det vs. Verlander) Billy the not so Nino.  People everywhere prolly added him right after his last start.  Good for them for being so astute and having zero real friends but 400 facebook friends.

Chris Volstad (@Atl vs. Beachy, @Was vs. Wang) Even in Norway he is barely usable.  I want to root for him because he has some potential.  He suffers from “one inning-itis”.  Also visits Sandy Hook this week.

Joe Saunders (@LA vs. Billingsley, @SD vs. Harang) Anyone remember when he was crying about being traded out of Anaheim. I asked Justin Morneau if he remembered and he was too busy trying to velcro his shoes to comment.

Zach Britton (TB vs. Niemann, Ana vs. Pineiro) Throw the Yankees start out the window, because we wouldn’t have used him anyways.  Has elite groundball pitcher stuff.  Unfortunately hits can come via the groundball, that piece of genius brought to you by the World Wide Leader.

I hate regression, my hairline does it every day. Though subtly, like a ninja assassin, as it mocks me in the mirror when I’m brushing my teeth. Pitcher regression is a known entity. We all assume it will happen, but when and where is the big query. It seems to have hit all the guys I write about every week at once. So like the cup in Indiana Jones, choose, but choose wisely. As you may end up a pile of dust, with crappy peripherals and a cat looking at you like you’re a great place to lay claim. I can’t tell you to not chase wins, because we all do it. So just be cautious is all I’m saying and use knowledge that you have over others to guide your team from here on out. Good luck this week and any questions you may have drop me a comment. (Please be aware that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

8/24
Javier Vazquez vs. Cin – Arroyo
Livan Hernandez vs. Ari – Hudson
Jason Hammel vs. Hou – Rodriguez

8/25
Brandon Beachy @ CHC – Garza
John Lannan vs. Ari – Miley
Brett Cecil vs. KC – Francis

8/26
Josh Collmenter vs. SD – Leblanc
Esmil Rogers @ LAD – Lilly
Randy Wolf vs. CHC – Lopez

Jeff Karstens (Mil vs. Greinke, @StL vs. Carpenter) Like most Pirates, he walked the regression plank. Tough matchups this week are making me look both ways before crossing the street, cause knowing is half the battle…GI Joe.

Brian Duensing (Bal vs. Simon, Det vs. Penny) Not a fan of the home field advantage. Has RP eligibility coupled with some sweet matchups. The “You could do worse” starter of the week.

Joe Saunders (@Was vs. Detwiler, SD vs. Harang) Attention D-backs fans, yeah, all 6 of you.  Get in close so you can hear me. Starting game 3 of the NLDS, Joe Saunders….crickets. Fantasy wise he is crap, real life he is a scrapper. Scrappiness wins out this week with some decent matchups and a hot team.

Erik Bedard (@Tex vs. Wilson, Oak vs. Moscoso) Still chasing that first Sawx win. He is getting close to what we want/expect him to be. A kitty cat? That comment brought to you by my 3 year old niece.

Paul Maholm (Mil vs. Estrada, StL vs. Lohse) Watching him regress is like watching Journey without Steve Perry. Expect nothing. He hit the wall, hit it hard and is down for the waiver wire count.

Jason Vargas (@Cle vs. Carmona, CHW vs. Danks) Stat-wise where he is right now is where he should have been all year. Barely serviceable and an occasional spot start based on hot streak. It’s your call, but I think I’m heading on down the highway here.

Bruce Chen (@Tor vs. Morrow, @Cle vs. Masterson) Let’s see, we wouldn’t pick him up for starts versus the Yankees, Tigers and Pale Hose. I wonder how those starts turned out? My inner Bruce Chen is telling me to gamble here. Finished last year strong also, I can’t make this stuff up.

Bud Norris (@Col vs. Cook, @SF vs. Cain) How is a pitcher with a high K-rate, ERA in the mid 3’s not owned everywhere? Look at the stats, they look like Gio, but without the Latin rhythm and paltry BB/9 rate.

Nate Eovaldi (@StL vs. Carpenter, Col vs. Chacin) Unfamiliarity may be guiding his ship. Features a mid-to-upper 90’s fastball, above average curve and a passable change. Walk rate is the death march to any young starter.

Fausto Carmona (Sea vs. Vargas, KC vs. Duffy) Frustrating. You watch him pitch and he looks unhittable one inning, next inning he is throwing underhand and rolling around the infield in Stephen Hawking’s wheel chair.