On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning! Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation. You were a melancholy soul. But now you’re happy — yay. It’s still Monday funday! There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures. Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures. Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved. A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla) 8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito) 9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn) 10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija) 11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland) 12.Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek) 13. Ryan Madson(Sean Marshall, Nick Masset) 14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey) 15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez) 16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks) 18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero) 19. Jordan Walden(Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins) 20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers) 23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed) 24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo) 26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp) 27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom) 28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins) 29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine) 30. Juan Abreu(Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)
The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings have reached the next to next to next to last stop with the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball. These top 20 closers are different than all of the other rankings. The closers on the top of this list you should not draft and there are closers that aren’t on this list that you should be targeting. Shortly, there will be a list of every team’s closer and setup man. I’m thinking this afternoon. Monday funday! The projections are also a bit wonky since you can’t predict saves. It’s a fool’s errand. If fool’s errand means what I think it does. Some well-known projectionists (not the pimply kid unspooling Albert Nobbs) don’t even attempt to predict saves. Saves come down to opportunity. This is yet another reason why you shouldn’t draft the top guys. Nevertheless, my projections are listed along with where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
1. Craig Kimbrel – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until Storen. I call this tier, “Young, dumb and full of speed gun.” To illustrate further why you shouldn’t draft a top guy, the top three closers when rankings came out last year were Carlos Marmol, Neftali and Soria. I wasn’t bonkers with a side of delusional when I put those three at the top. It just shows you the fickliosity (Made Up Word of the Day!) of the closers. The good news is the guys I told you to target later are now on the top of the rankings. Sure, I’d love to get Kimbrel. Like I’m Samuel Gerard. Just don’t think it’s happening. 2012 Projections: 5-2/2.20/1.08/110, 40 saves
2. John Axford – I love the fact that he accepted K-Rod coming to the Brewers, took a dump in his locker* and kept on saving games. (*Unsubstantiated claim that K-Rod assumed was his father-in-law. K-Rod and his father-in-law are now thick as thieves and have decided to settle all arguments with a round of laser tag.) 2012 Projections: 5-1/2.40/1.16/90, 38 saves
3. Drew Storen – You want a donkeycorn?! You can’t handle a donkeycorn! Cause they’re wild, bucking animals. You should get a lamb. They’re peaceful. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.50/1.04/75, 38 saves
4. Mariano Rivera – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Putz. I call this tier, “Not young, not dumb, but will get the job done.” These guys are not flashy names anymore. Well, maybe Mo a little, but for the most part there’s no shine on these guys. Whatever, you just want saves. Stop being so greedy. 2012 Projections: 2-3/2.40/0.95/55, 40 saves
5. Jonathon Papelbon – Whatever junk Papelbon was smoking in 2010 when his ERA was 3.90, he stopped smoking it in 2011 when his K-rate was 12+ and his ERA was 2.94. Or maybe he wasn’t smoking in 2010 and was smoking in 2011. Or maybe he wasn’t smoking either year, but standing near Terry Francona when he was smoking. Either way, Papelbon now faces the NL and not the Yankees for 18 games a year, 17 of which are televised. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.65/1.00/80, 37 saves
6. Jose Valverde – Everyone is picking the Tigers for the World Series, so naturally Valverde is going to be five kinds of wonderful with a side of “This is better than sex!” Then again, the Cards and Rangers’ closers weren’t so good last year, so, yeah, it makes little difference. Not to say I don’t like Valverde, just putting shizz into perspective. 2012 Projections: 3-3/3.00/1.22/65, 35 saves
7. Brian Wilson – He had a bit of a junky season last year. Yet, he still had 36 saves and a 3.11 ERA. You could’ve done worse *cough* Soria *cough* 2012 Projections: 5-3/2.90/1.32/70, 35 saves
8. J.J. Putz – I struggled with whether to put Putz (almost stutterer!) in the next tier of guys that I’m wary of or if I should say he’ll be fine in this tier. After battling with myself over this Putz for about fifteen minutes, I worried I might go blind and just ranked him here. He is a bit of a one man MASH unit, which makes sense since his full name is Jamie Jfarr Putz. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.75/1.00/60, 32 saves
9. Heath Bell - This is a new tier. This tier goes to Hanrahan. I call this tier, “High ranked closers that I’m a bit wary of. Not enough to kick out of bed, but enough to wonder why I’m in bed with them.” The factory underneath Petco that produces middle men that become all-world closers released a report after Bell signed with Miami. “Miami has a team? Oh, Florida! We’re sorry to see Heath Bell leave our organization. He was a valued member of our bullpen. But, really, anyone can close games in Petco. Have you seen our fences? Trick question. You haven’t seen the fences because they’re three miles from home plate. Good luck in Miami!” 2012 Projections: 4-3/3.25/1.18/50, 37 saves
10. Carlos Marmol – I usually tell you to ignore potential trades and that other foolishness, but Epstein is dead set on shaking up the Cubs and putting his stamp on the club, so I could see Marmol setting things up for a playoff contender by mid-summer. I know if I was headed to the playoffs I’d love to have Marmol in the 8th inning. 2012 Projections: 5-3/3.50/1.35/100, 25 saves
11. Joakim Soria - Could totally bounce back, but why am I risking it if he doesn’t? There’s no other closers? Of course there is. If I can avoid risk with a fairly high ranked closer, I am. 2012 Projections: 3-2/3.35/1.25/65, 35 saves
12. Joel Hanrahan – Hanrahananananan is a bit of wild card. I think he can save 40 games again with a 9 K/9 and a sub-2 ERA or he can save 25 games and a high-3 ERA. Plus, drafting him is a bit like OD’ing on tryptophananananananan. Snooooooooze. (BTW, after this blurb, my spellchecker quit on me. Just got up and walked out of the room.) 2012 Projections: 2-4/3.35/1.20/65, 34 saves
13. Ryan Madson – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Street. I call this tier, “I’ll probably own these guys on multiple teams; this tier name doesn’t rhyme and isn’t pithy.” You want guys that can become the top four for (stutterer!) next year. Here’s your tier, snitches! Assuming Madson doesn’t stumble for any extended period of time, he’ll be more valuable than this ranking. The only big issue is Dusty waking up with his toothpick on the wrong side of his mouth and deciding Madson’s no longer his closer. 2012 Projections: 5-2/3.00/1.22/60, 32 saves
14. Kenley Jansen – I have a bit of a soft spot for high upside mid-tier closers. Or is that a hard spot? It’s why I ended up with Kimbrel and Axford on multiple teams last year and will be eying Jansen this year. As of right now, he’s not officially the closer, but I think it happens. If you want him, you’re gonna have to draft him around here. I say do it. 2012 Projections: 1-3/2.25/1.00/85, 25 saves
15. Jason Motte – I’m hoping with La Russa’s Feathered Hair moving on to grayer pastures that the Cards bullpen will be a lot more stable. If I had Madson, Jansen and Motte on every team as my only closers, I’d be so happy I’d cancel all future shrink appointments, except the ones on Tuesday because I stepped on a sidewalk crack last week. 2012 Projections: 3-4/2.50/1.10/65, 27 saves
16. Huston Street – If you hold what I said about Heath Bell in the mirror, that’s what I have to say about Street and why I like him this year. Of course, he can’t stay healthy without the help of magical potion or whatever it was that Ryan Braun took. 2012 Projections: 2-4/3.00/1.10/50, 30 saves
17. Andrew Bailey – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Thornton. I call this tier, “Closers that I’m probably going to miss out on, but SAGNOF tells us saves are saves are saves so I could draft one of these guys.” A few things separate Huston Street from Andrew Bailey. 1.) Tougher home park. 2.) Tougher league. 3.) There’s no 3. 4.) Bailey’s going much higher in drafts than Street. 2012 Projections: 3-1/3.30/1.10/50, 34 saves
18. Sergio Santos – If someone said they were a time traveler and they just returned from 2013 and Santos is now the top closer, I wouldn’t be surprised though I would wonder why they used their time traveling ability for something so trivial. My problem with Santos is his walks and he has a capable closer behind him. A few screw ups and he’s out. I did flip-flop on Santos since the last time I wrote about him. A girl and Grey have a right to change their mind. I do know what I was thinking with that post. Ks, Ks, Ks… And more Ks. Now, I’m getting cold feet. Stupid poor circulation! 2012 Projections: 3-5/3.70/1.24/80, 25 saves
19. Rafael Betancourt – Maybe once and for all he can shake the Cuddle Boy label. Maybe I don’t want to risk it on my team to find out. Fairly wellesley, Dame Betancourt! 2012 Projections: 4-2/3.50/1.10/65, 25 saves
20. Matt Thornton – He’s 35 years old and he has 20 career saves. By season end, Hawk says about Thornton, “He gone!” and the White Sox try out Addison Reed or Jesse Crain. 2012 Projections: 5-4/3.75/1.22/65, 20 saves
After the top 20 closers, there’s a lot of names you should draft and I’ll go over all of them. Here’s three that stand out:
Chris Perez – Coming off a season with a 5.88 K/9 and a 3.92 BB/9. That’s the new blech. Again, I would take any closer that had a job, but don’t let Perez’s 36 saves last year cause you to overpay. 2012 Projections: 2-5/4.00/1.28/45, 25 saves
Joe Nathan – When he went to the Rangers, I wrote my Joe Nathan fantasy. If you hold it up to a mirror, it’s very difficult to read. 2012 Projections: 3-4/3.75/1.18/45, 30 saves
Juan Abreu - Who? Did I mean to type Joan Abreu, Bobby’s loving Momsie? I think I might’ve. And I think Bobby’s Momsie is the favorite to get saves in Houston. Whatever! SAGNOF! If someone’s getting saves, draft them! 2012 Projections: 1-4/2.70/1.28/70, 20 saves
The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.” At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic. They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases. Hit 20 homers. Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much. Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again. Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.” If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5. Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average. I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell you about this exciting offer our fantasy basketball side of things has going on. They’re doing commenter leagues and they’re free! So if you like your athletes seven-plus feet taller than Dustin Pedroia, you go there. Anyway II, here’s some offseason moves so far:
Ryan Doumit – Heads to Twins. Recently overheard in the Twins front office, “Morneau and Mauer are sick of having only each other to talk to while on the Disabled List. We need some injury-prone player to sit between them.” Doumit fills that slot. He can also play 1st base, catcher and, for once it doesn’t matter that his last name is German for “Without a Mitt,” as he can see time at DH. If Doumit can stay healthy, he could be a top ten catcher. That “if” has its own branch of government that just passed a law that says Doumit can never stay healthy.
Joe Nathan – Signed a two-year deal with the Rangers to be their closer. For real baseball, I think this is a terrible deal for the Rangers. Nathan’s 37 years old and, while his K-rate wasn’t bad, he never looked lights-out, except for a stretch through July. Now you’re throwing him in the heat of Arlington where home runs fly. Last year his home ERA was 3.04 and his away ERA was 7.50. I think the Rangers are going to regret this decision. This is me telling the Rangers that. For fantasy, his name will make him cost a bit more than I’d want to spend on a closer. He probably will drift between a Donkeycorn and Brain Freeze for the better part of the year.
Neftali Feliz – Gets his wish, and will finally start for the Rangers. He’ll begin to transition into a closer that throws six innings a game in the Dominican Winter League, which will give him a leg up on tiring out around August. His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms. I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff. I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt. His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years. He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz. Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled. His walks also went through the roof. I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible. Who are you, Kevin Gregg? But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career. I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me. Could see him giving a line of 10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings.
Wade LeBlanc – Traded to the Marlins for John Baker. According to Elias Sports Bureau, John Baker and Wade LeBlanc were the first two players ever traded that also sound like they were in the Backstreet Boys. Yeah, they didn’t say that. Like when his friends left Central Perk, LeBlanc just lost all of his value.
Jonathan Broxton – Signed on with the Royals to be their set-up man. I have the perfect nickname for him now that he’s in Kansas City, the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk. Oh, please, like you’ve never noticed how Broxton has the back porch of a rap video hoochie mama. This signing sends Aaron Crow into the rotation. The good news is you’re not the Royals and don’t have to put Aaron Crow in your fantasy rotation. Yay, small miracles.
Chris Iannetta – Headed to the Angels. I guess Scioscia felt like he needed to upgrade Jeff Mathis’s backup. I’m only half joking. The Angels are supposed to non-tender Mathis, but I wouldn’t put anything past the Sciosciapath. Also, Hank Conger’s in the wings, i.e., Iannetta won’t get 350 ABs. Though he never has.
Ramon Hernandez – Going to the Rockies to replace the recently damned Iannetta. Hernandez will do exactly what he’s done for the last five years. For those who need a sneaky, solid catcher in 2 catcher leagues, you can do worse. (Better too, but let’s not quibble.)
Clint Barmes – Signed with the Pirates. I have nothing to say about this, except Barmes’s deal for $10.5 million was the Pirates first contract for over $10 million since Steve Buechele’s in the 1991-1992 offseason. The Pirates are committed to winning now! Black and yellow!
David DeJesus – Will bring his special brand of pretty unexciting baseball from a fantasy perspective to the Chicago Cubs. He’ll play right field, unless the Cubs can move Alfonso Soriano for five cents on the dollar. In related news, Alfonso Soriano wants to know who listed him on eBay. The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.
In the last installment of the grading process, we have to look at the bad – those guys I, Albert Lang, was totally wrong about. As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players! Thanks for reading!
Joe Nathan – After doing some research and talking to some folks, I was pretty sure Nathan was healthy and undervalued. Well, that wasn’t the case. He stumbled out of the gates and has been bogged down by the suckitude of the rest of the Twins. His year would look better if the Twins were capable of doing anything, but 13 saves isn’t going to cut it. It’s the 31st most at the position and less than Kevin Gregg, Javy Guerra, Frank Francisco and Matt Capps.
Madison Bumgarner– I don’t think I was more off on a player than Bumgarner. I had him as the 76th best starting pitcher, while consensus had him around 37. I saw Bumgarner as an uninteresting 3.50 ERA pitcher with a WHIP around 1.25 and 130 Ks. I wasn’t totally off on the ERA (3.32) or WHIP (1.24), but man I didn’t think he’d pitch this many innings with this kind of K-rate. Bumgarner sits as the 30th best SP in fantasy this season. Whoops!
Jair Jurrjens – Like Bumgarner, I was pretty far off on Jurrjens. I had Jurrjens as 99 among starting pitchers, consensus had him around 50. I had him pegged for a 3.90 ERA, 1.33 WHIP and 130 Ks. I was incredibly concerned about his durability. While I nailed his inability to rack up Ks for you (the Braves have shut him down and he has just 90 Ks), his ERA (2.96) and WHIP (1.22) more than make up for those shortcomings. In fact, Jurrjens is the 36th best pitcher in fantasy this year.
Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t differ with consensus much on Sandoval, but enough to make it really matter. The “royal we” had Sandoval as the 12th best 3b, I had him as 15. I said he was a .300 hitter (I was right there) but with moderate pop. His 23 HRs (while missing time with an injury) are the opposite of moderate. Sandoval is the 10th best 3b this season.
Tim Hudson – I was way off on Tim Hudson. While he wasn’t loved in the community (39th SP), I really hated on him (65th SP). I pegged Hudson to finish with a 3.40 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, and 140 Ks. Well, Hudson is the 18th best SP in 2011 with a 3.19 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 150 Ks. He’s beaten my projections pretty well. He keeps going out there and converting balls in play to outs. Congrats!
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Man, that was a bad call.
Brian Roberts – I don’t know which sleeper call was more laughable, Brian Roberts or Dice-K. Probably Dice-K, because when I wrote the Roberts section he was, supposedly, technically, healthy. God, why wouldn’t the Orioles trade him two years ago?
Logan Morrison – I thought Morrison would be an 80 run threat with a decent average and some moderate pop. Well, the pop has been anything other than moderate (23 HRs in 462 ABs), however he has scored just 54 runs and batted a disappointing .247. He’s gotten on base and the power is a great sign going forward, but he didn’t do what I expected this year.
Bobby Abreu – I had Abreu as a .265-.270 hitter with a .360 OBP, 90 runs, 18-20 HRs and 23-25 SBs. He hit .253 with just 54 runs, eight HRs, but has 21 SBs and a .353 OBP. I’d like to call this one a push, but it isn’t. I was wrong; Abreu is in full on decline now. What a great career, but the lights have clearly gone out.
James McDonald – It should come as no surprise that I love James McDonald. I had him down for an ERA in the 3.00s, a WHIP around 1.30 and 180 Ks. Well, he has 142 Ks, a 4.21 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. He has shown improvements, but that’s still a swing and a miss. That said, I did like him more than Carlos Carrasco, JA Happ, Mike Pelfrey, Randy Wells, Carl Pavano and Tim Stauffer. With the exception of Stauffer, I was dead on, making this just short of a clear push.
Brett Cecil – It just never came together for Brett Cecil the way I thought it could. I had him as the 62nd best SP before the year, whereas he went largely unranked/undrafted by the masses. I saw an ERA somewhere between 3.85-4.15, 140 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.30-1.35 range. Well, the ERA (4.73) and WHIP (he’s at 1.33) are far from great. However, he never got the innings I thought he would and is sitting at just 87 Ks. I believe in him long-term, but he didn’t provide much value to teams in 2011.
Ike Davis – I personally blame the medical staff who work for the New York Metropolitans – but, then again, I know they haven’t been too successful lately. Moving forward, Mets players should have a Red Letter attached to their name.
Mike Aviles – I missed badly on Aviles. I ranked him as the 12th best 2b and 9th best SS. I believed he was capable of putting up a .290 average, 10-15 HRs and double digit steals. I must have been drunk when making that assessment. Aviles is the 38th best 2b, behind such standouts as Robert Andino, Brent Lilibridge and Aaron Miles. He fared a bit better against the shortstop pool, coming in at 30th, although he is behind all glove, no-hit Brendan Ryan and Willie Bloomquist, who is all-nothing. He did have seven homers and 14 steals, but the .255 batting average and sporadic playing time made him worthless.
Jed Lowrie – It’s hard to say whether I was more incorrect about Lowrie or Aviles – it’s like comparing Bachman Turner Overdrive and Paul McCartney and Wings. I did couch my Lowrie prediction in a lot of qualifiers, but at the end of the day had him as a .274 hitter with 15 HRs and believed he was a likely top 25 player at the position. Sounds like a pretty flimsy projection. And yet, I still whiffed like Mark Reynolds does while batting/fielding. Lowrie, the 41st ranked SS at the moment, is batting .252 and has tallied just six homers. He can’t stay healthy. I must repeat that to myself.
Daric Barton – Another horrible call. I truly believed Barton’s plate discipline would result in a cheap and easy 85 runs. I also saw him as similar to Gaby Sanchez from a few years ago, with double digit power + upside. It was clearly a deep league play, but I did advocate for Barton over James Loney. As for the tale of the tape: Barton has a .212 average, 27 runs and zero homers and has logged just 236 at bats. While Loney has sort of sucked, he’s been way better than that.
Aaron Hill – While I ranked him lower than where he was going in most drafts, I also thought Hill could bat .260 with 25 HRs and 70 runs/RBIs. The only thing that made his numbers approach my expectations was a trade to the desert. Hill currently sits at .246 with just eight homers. He does have 61 runs and 61 RBIs, so my 70/70 wasn’t too far off. But, yikes, 2009 was a long, long, long time ago.
Mitch Moreland – I thought Moreland would easily hit 20 HR and drive in 80 RBIs and that he could finish top 15 at 1b. Wow, was that wrong. Moreland has 16 HRs and never showed enough skills to get the PT required to reach 80 RBIs (he has just 51). He is not only outside the top 15 1bs, he isn’t even in the top 30.
Brandon Allen – Allen never got the playing time and he was really just a stab in the dark for me. Still, when he has gotten into games, he has done nothing. He has a .200 average and just six homers in 175 ABs.
Juan Miranda – The thought of Miranda having 20+ HR potential is laughable now. Fighting off Xavier Nady and Russell Branyan wasn’t even possible for the slugger who has sluggishly batted just .213 with seven homers in 174 ABs.
Ryan Hanigan, Josh Thole, A.J. Ellis – These guys never got the at bats to do anything. They were decent gambles, but hit just 11 HRs combined.
Mark Ellis, Sean Rodriguez, Eric Young Jr. – Ultimately they didn’t come close to anything resembling a sleeper. Thankfully, you couldn’t have spent much on them. Young did steal some bases, despite having a really hard time actually getting to first base – so there’s that!
Jose Lopez, David Freese – I thought both guys would be cheap enough to make any contributions worthwhile. Freese hasn’t played much because he has been hurt (typical), whereas Lopez hasn’t played much because he sucks (typical). Both have shown signs down the stretch, but were basically worthless throughout the year.
Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season. Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them. The sadness! The grief! The inconsequence of it all! Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related. I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him. Just look up. Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.) Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September. Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap. Huston Street got hurt — shocker! Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive. Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security. He’s the Teflon Closer. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 2. Craig Kimbrel(+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri) 4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard) 5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall) 7. John Axford(+5) (Francisco Rodriguez) 8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop) 9.Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman) 10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez) 11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell) 12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 13. Drew Storen(+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale) 15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez) 16. Ryan Madson(+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 17. Joe Nathan(+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow) 19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright) 20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
22. Jordan Walden(-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi) 23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson) 24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel) 26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato) 27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch) 28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers) 29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn) 30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)
