There have been a few unexpected side effects from me writing a weekly injury article for Razzball. First, due to Spring Training I’ve had to pay attention and care about every irrelevant player’s bump, bruise and sniffle (why did you all let me include Tyler Collins in my article last week?!) Going forward I’m going to try to focus on the injuries that may actually have a fantasy impact. No one cares that Joe Mauer  missed one hour of practice because he had what the Twins medical staff is referring to as a “minor boo-boo.”

Another unexpected side effect is the schadenfreude I feel whenever I read about a major player getting injured. “Oh YES! David Price might miss the whole year?! More content!” What type of monster have I become?

Anyway, here’s whose pain I have gotten enjoyment out of this week:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A Deep Impact series post this early in the preseason? Where I’m from, they call that Immediate Impact. HURRRR. Though… it’s hard to top my meow usage above, even with such a strong opener. Except maybe for the content of this post? Question mark, because I’m not sure what format you play in. Hint: If your league has a constitution longer than a college thesis on the European textile industry and its effect on the French bourgeoisie, well then, you’re probably in the right place. We’re here to take a short ‘n sweet look at some uncommon scoring categories that dynasty/deep leagues might use commonly. The fantasy laymen might ask why we would create such devilish inventions… and that’d be fine, because we seriously have no clue. Because it’s fun? Question mark, because it’s only fun if you know how to win with these cats. And it fits the lede’s theme. And that’s what I’m here to help you with. Theming? No. I mean, sorta. But yeah. About those cats…

Note: Football may be over, but we still have a great podcast series going into the offseason, along with NFL Draft content coming out soon. Join us?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, I went over the top 20 catchers for 2017 fantasy baseball, and, today, you guessed it (if you didn’t read the title and just fell here from outer space), it’s the top 20 1st baseman for 2017 fantasy baseball.  Something weird happened last year — okay, a lot weird happened last year, but I’m going to focus on fantasy baseball.  Middle infield got deep and 1st base got shallow.  I have some theories why this happened.  First theory, a lot of kids who are playing now grew up watching Bret Boone and Alex Rodriguez and their frosted hair and, like a moth to a flame, or peroxide to a hairstyle, kids became middle infielders.  Second theory, it happened just cuz.  So, I don’t have a lot of theories on it, per se, but offense is deep this year, but not 1st basemen.  My projections are included, and here’s all of our fantasy baseball rankings.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You know how people write stuff on a grain of rice.  With that in mind, on Rich Hill‘s blister this is written, “Took a whole lot of tryin’ to get up that Hill — R.I.P. Sherman Hemsley.  I can’t believe I not only had room on this grain for an inspirational quote, but also room to attribute the quote to the wrong person and to also add in this meta comment about my inspirational quot–”  Damn, he wasn’t able to fit everything.  That’s the worst.  That’s like when you’re writing a birthday card to someone and you start writing a note only to get to the end and need to start writing super-tiny and curved to fit it in.  And that’s not the first time you’ve heard your curve is super-tiny.  Rich Hill was perfect on Saturday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 9 Ks — but, to be honest, Hill has been perfect for the last two years (though only 29 IP last year).  This year, 1.80 ERA, 0.96 WHIP with a 10.4 K/9 and 1.74 ERA over the past two years.  So, ya know, your usual ace you get about 120 IP from.  For 2017, it’s going to be hard to rank him much below the top 25 with the caveat that you’re only getting him for three to four months.  Makes you wish rice grains were just a tad bigger to fit all of the superlatives on there for Rich Hill.  Know what I mea– Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Dodgers were one of the hottest clubs offensively coming into this game, so, what happened?  Baseball happened, and Matt Moore throws a gem — 8 2/3 IP, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95.  There’s no sport like this anywhere in the world.  Though, my 89-year-old Italian grandfather says the bounce on the bocce ball court can be tricky.  By the way, I recounted the other day on the podcast how he drove back from Florida, non-stop, in flip-flops.  So, yesterday, he went to the doctor because his foot was bothering him and the Pakistani doctor said it was due to the flip-flops.  He said, “Get out of here!  Your people wear nothing but sandals!”  So, great start by Matt Moore, no dur, but he threw the most pitches in a game this season at 133 pitches.  Why do you think?  Because he can’t throw strikes.  Dodgers just happened to feel like swinging at balls.  That’s what I hope she didn’t say!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

True or false:  A) Dansby Swanson is famous for being Ted Knight’s caddy in Caddyshack. B) Starting a meme at his frat house in Arizona where he’d put his checkered pants on a cactus with the caption, “I’m thirsty, yo.”  C) There’s no C.  D) All the above.  E) Was drafted a second ago by the Diamondbacks 1st overall, then traded to the Braves for the fellow WASP, Shelby Miller, and all-around terrible pitcher.  If you answered D) All the above, how did you know what all the above was before reading E?  Also, it was a true or false quiz, what the hell is all of the above?!  So, Dansby Swanson is being called up by the Braves just in time, no lie, for their series against the Diamondbacks.  Dayum.  Hello, wounds, here’s your salt.  In Prospector Ralph’s midseason top 100 prospects, Dansby was 22nd overall, right by Willie Calhoun, who totally tanked Mike Dukakis’ campaign.  Swanson is a 22-year-old that was a’ight in Double-A (8 HRs, 6 SBs, .261 in 84 games).  That’s neither here nor there, he’s young; he should be owned in most mixed leagues; you’re not going to find his talent level on waivers in many leagues; semicolons; fun.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As a Mariners fan, it’s very rare I have much of any empathy for other teams and their fans, especially teams that just came off winning a World Series. And yet, here I am looking at the sad state of the Royals and think to myself ‘how many black cats crossed this team’s path?’. A majority of KC’s masterpiece last year was the young nucleus staying healthy, guided by Alex Gordon as the vet, and a crazy good bullpen. Flash forward to this year and it seems like the entire team is on the DL. No really! This is not the roster it was back in 2015 and the numbers resemble it. The Royals have the 5th worst wRC+ on the year and are K’ing about 5% more than they did last year. But even those numbers lie a little because it keeps some of the early part of the year – read: when the team was healthier – in the equation. So instead, I’m looking at their second half numbers and yup, worst team in baseball by wRC+ standards. Yes, worse than the Phillies and the Braves. Yes, that is really, really gross. But now that I’ve done all that research, it’s time to turn it into some cash money and with that, we get Tyler Duffey. Tyler’s game log inspires zero confidence as it’s about as up and down as a certain type of professional dancer around certain poles. That said, at $5,700, he inspires me to call him my SP2 in tourneys. Now that we’ve turned the Royals’ pain into our gain, let’s see what else we should do. Here’s my hung over and maybe still drunk taeks for this Saturday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 15th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum.  Grey’s got Olympics fever!  Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito.  “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day!  Actually, I feel a little woozy too.”  That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics.  With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues.  On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks.  The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek.  Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.  

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mike Napoli hit his 27th homer yesterday.  He now has five straight games with a home run.  On the year, he is top 30 for fantasy value on our Player Rater.  Dude is such butter right now brioche buns be jumping up on his back.  (Why am I not writing rap lyrics?)  Uh-oh, Napoli’s so hot, he’s bringing out my rap alter ego, B-Fire.  Napoli is such butter right now brioche buns be jumping up on his back!  Yo, he’s not whack like some homeboy going to a strip club with a quarter stack!  In fact!  Grey’s got more indoors, then you got outdoors, and technically there’s more room outdoors for you to have more but nope, my room’s got floors!  *dance, prance, romance off your pants*  My action lines got asterisks, smooth.  Your action lines got an asterisk with an excuse down below why you can’t move.  *said while bowing sushi chef-style*  Napoli.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When Jonathan Lucroy vetoed the trade to the Indians this past weekend, I thought we were going to find out Lucroy was Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing Amy.  Other teams were going to try and convert him into one of their players, but he was always going to continue to play for the other team.  Then, at some point, he was going to describe oral sex in insane, graphic detail, using balls, bats, and a gear shift, and other teams were just going to give up trying to get him to play for their team.  Then it turned out the Brewers were not going to be “Holden” him forever, you can “Banky” on it.  Jonathan Lucroy and Jeremy Jeffress were Chinese finger-cuffed to each other and sent to the Rangers for Lewis Brinson and Luis Ortiz.  By the way, Luis/Lewis is the Spanish version of tomato-tomahto.  I wonder what the Brewers finally said to Lucroy.  “We love you, but, dude, if you really love this organization, you’ll get the eff out of here.  Go!”  Then cried in the rain all super-weepy like Ben Affleck.  So, Lucroy gets a small boost in value from the lineup, but the stadium change is nearly a push.  As for Jeremy Jeffress, who is Jason Lee in this scenario, will work set up for Sam Dyson, who will keep the job.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?