Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.

I’m sure even Kevin Gregg can’t believe he held the Cubs closer job as long as he did.  After witnessing Gregg’s sixth blown save and 12th gopher ball on Monday night, Piniella went into the locker room and flipped a table, screaming at a young, non-mustachioed Willie Randolph… Oh, wait, that was The Bronx is Burning.  Piniella says Carlos Marmol will take over the closer duties.  Carlos Marmol smiles, Kevin Gregg frowns and Angel Guzman shrugs.  John Grabow may also slide into the situational save picture when the Cubs face a lefty heavy ninth.  But, for now, Sweet Lou’s giving the ball to Marmol to save games.  As of today.  We shall see.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Travis Snider – Guess JP Ricciardi can’t swing a deal for Lincecum and the frozen body of Ted Williams, so Snider was called up.  Worth a flier in mixed leagues for the potential pop he can provide.  In one league, out of boredom, I dropped Ty Wigginton for Snider.  Oh, and Snider hit a homer yesterday.

Randy Ruiz – Hit his third homer in a week.  He’s 31-years-old.  You don’t get to be 31 and still a rookie without a giant pancake of mediocrity covering you.  Might continue to hit bombs for the rest of this season.  Or maybe just for the rest of this week.  My guess is he has a hot week in him, then he drops like a ton of 31-year-old rookie bricks.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis. I think he’s fallen to the point where he might actually be a solid sleeper in 2010 drafts.  We’ll have to wait for official word from February Grey as he rarely shares his info with August Grey.

Joe Mauer – 2 HRs yesterday as he bats .383 on the year.  After the game, he cured cancer.

Delmon Young – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 2nd homer in the last three games and already has more homers this month than he had the entire 1st half of the year.

Ivan Rodriguez – The Rangers acquired Pudge (<–at one point this nickname wasn’t ironic).  Now the Rangers just need to acquire Jose Canseco and a bunch of syringes.  According to the Rangers, Pudge will be a backup.  I don’t see why they’d use him in that capacity.  I think most of Teagarden and Salty’s value is hurt with the addition of Pudge, not that they really had much value anyway.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday.  On one hand, I kinda want him to bomb the rest of this season so he goes quietly into next year’s draft.  On the other hand, I own him in a league and would like some production.  On the third hand, I want him to have surgery on his foot so there’s no problem next year.  He’s refusing surgery as of right now.  And, yes, I have three hands.

Freddy Garcia – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Right back where he left off!

Pedro Martinez/Jamie Moyer – Combined for a one run, 4 hitter.  If only Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were around to see it.

Alex Gordon – Was optioned to Triple-A.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, pointed out, Gordon could be a nice October call up.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday, now has 5 homers in the last seven games.  Not sure what you’re waiting for, loyal Razzball reader.

Clint Barmes – HR yesterday.  Without looking it up, who has more homers, Barmes or Hawpe?  Obviously if I’m pointing it out, it’s Barmes.  But that’s crazy.  Though I’m not sure it’s crazy good for Barmes or crazy bad for Hawpe.  I think it’s the latter, as in what Hawpe walked under before the season.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER.  Now has a 3.41 ERA on the year and on his way to 180 Ks on the year.  Aren’t you glad you own him and didn’t worry about whether or not he’s a Rockies pitcher?  Or don’t you wish you owned him and stopped worrying about owning a Rockies pitcher?

Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.   Could be the start of something…

Ross Ohlendorf – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks as he got his 11th win yesterday and has a 4.15 ERA on the year.  What the ‘dorf?!  If you own Ohlendorf, you’re teetering between brilliance and insanity like an abstract painter or an MMA fighter.

Alex Avila – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats near .450 through 20 ABs.  Worth a flier in AL-Only leagues, but he’s seeing less time behind the plate than Nicole Richie.

Matt Wieters – Hit his fourth homer to stay in front of Alex Avila, who has 180 less at-bats than Wieters.

Rick Porcello – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks vs. the Mariners.  For a guy with a 4.5 K/9, the 8 Ks can only mean one thing.  Porcello was imagining facing Ichiro Youkilis, Russell Youkilis and Franklin Youkilis aka The Big F-You.

Derek Lowe – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER as he allowed the Mets to record ten hits in one inning, which was a new club record.  An offensive club record with Luis Castillo as your hitting star?  Lowe hadn’t looked that bad since Speidi’s wedding.  I know you wanna drop Lowe, but I wouldn’t.

Ricky Nolasco – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Good to see him bounce back after his last outing left you muttering to yourself as you ate a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip.

Julio Borbon – 3-for-4, 3 steals as the Rangers stole 6 bases vs. Mauer.  Hey, he was out curing cancer!

Pat Burrell – Returned from a stiff neck with a homer.  He still has 19 to go to save his season.  I think he pulls up ten short, so he still has… You do the math!

David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Price was mentioned in the rookie pitchers who might get shutdown whatchamacallit.  Now I’m hearing murmurs that Price could go to the bullpen for the return of Sonnanstine.  Act like ya know, MC Lyte!

B.J. Upton – HR yesterday.  That’s right!  You’re not the Secretaryman, you’re not the Administrativeassistantman, you’re the Bossman!  Now take charge!

Kyle Blanks – Hit an inside-the-park-homer.  The only explanation for a 300 lbs guy getting an inside-the-park-homer is the Cubs pulled their team from the field because Padres fans were littering the field with empty bottles of White Zinfandel.

The Sox are a bunch of homewreckers.  First they split of the LaRoche brothers then they break up the Duncan father/son combo in St. Louis.  Not good news for the softball team managed by Bob Boone with Bret and Aaron Boone on it.  Yesterday, the Red Sox acquired Adam LaRoche from the Pirates.  This hurts LaRoche’s value a bit, but he was kinda hurting his value on his own.  He’ll see time against righties, pushing Lowell to the bench in favor of Youkilis.  It’s doubtful Youuuuuuk will see a reduction in time other than the occasional day off.  This hurts Lowell’s value as well, but his old man hip was doing that already.  Since LaRoche will see time against the stronger half of the platoon and he’s a 2nd half hitter, he’s still worth owning in deep leagues, but you’ll need a backup for when he sits.  Meanwhile, the Pirates are that team in your keeper league that can barely field a team but they keep saying, “Wait til next year.”  So who plays 1st for the Pirates?  Jones?  Call up Pearce?  Sid “The Dream” Bream?  My guess is they’d stick with Garrett “I Need A Nickname” Jones and maybe call up Pearce in a month or so and give him some ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  He’s now batting third for the Pirates and has 9 homers in about three games (and 11 RBIs).  I hate to be the buzzkill to your Jonesing, but he will cool off.  If you need a piece, no time like the present to trade him.

Ryan Doumit – 2 HRs yesterday.  Days like these make you glad you stashed him on your DL for three months.

Paul Maholm – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Only thing worse than a Pirates starter is one who throws a gem last time out then gets pounded.

Casey McGehee – HR yesterday as Felipe sat out with a sore hammy.  McGehee’s got spunk, but no playing time kinda hurts that.

Adam Jones – HR yesterday.  2nd homer since the All-Star break.  He’s not sure where he lost his stroke in June (maybe by the Doritos), but it looks like he’s found it.

Chris Duncan – Cards decided he didn’t look right with a ’stache so he was traded to the Sawx for Julio Lugo.  At best, Duncan won’t be anything but a bench player.  I imagine Francona will use him to pinch hit to get the opposing teams to bring in a lefty, then he’ll pull Duncan and put in a righty hitter for the ol’ switcheroo.

Julio Lugo – Julio Lugubrious is not worth owning in any league.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Well, that could’ve went better.  I’d start him next time out vs. the A’s, then depending on how that goes we might need to reevaluate.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-2, 2 SBs.  Guess all his fractured finger needed was two days of rest.  I’d like to see him hit a homer before I call him “all better,” but it’s a step in the right direction.

Brad Lidge – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Miguel Montero – Few hitters are hotter right now.  Yunel Escobar is another one.  Oddly, they both hit three-run homers yesterday.

Justin Upton – 0-for-3, not many colder hitters right now and I saw him limping in the game yesterday.  Gracie believed it was a tweaked back.  I’m not 100% sure, but it’s not going to help him kick this slump.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 Ks.  I don’t usually watch games of A) Pitchers I don’t own B) Pitchers that are not available anywhere C) There’s no C.  But I watched Lincecum pitch yesterday.  Jurrjens didn’t outpitch him (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks) as much as the Braves outhit the Giants.  (BTW, Five days ago, Matthew Berry said re: Pablo Sandoval, “The Giants have a better team than folks think these days…” If anyone can figure out how a team with the major league worst OBP and 2nd worst OPS is better than people think, I’d love to hear it.  I’m guessing they’re worst than he realizes, but that’s me.)

Russell Branyan – Continues his march towards the most homers while going 1-for-4.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks and won his 11th game.  F-Her is having one of those years where the run support is falling just right.

Mark DeRosa – Hit another homer and the Cards lost again.  Stop hitting homers!

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie said Jenks is his closer and quote, “…if people don’t want him to be my closer, don’t come to the God damn game.”  He then let Matt Thornton save the White Sox victory on Wednesday.  I think because he brought Thornton in in the 8th, Ozzie thought he technically wasn’t lying.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks.  Ugly end result, but he gets the Padres next time out.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t have started him at home, but guess where he pitches next?  Metco!

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3.  I told you to trade him on May 22nd.  Since June 1st, he has 4 homers and a .329 average.  Miguel Montero’s outhitting that.

Chris Tillman – Supposedly going to get the call next week.  Here’s Chris Tillman’s fantasy breakdown from Scouting the Unknown.  For those too lazy to click-through, his K rate alone warrants a pick up.

Brandon Inge – Has a partially torn knee cap and says it’s excruciating.  But no fear, he also said this, “”How would I come out (of the lineup with) the race this close and for the fans of Detroit and the fans of Michigan going through what they’re going through with economics?”  You fantasy owners can thank Little Timmy, who told Inge this, “Gee whiz, Mister, since Pops fell between dem gears at the fac’try, Maw and the 8 of us kids have been hopin’ the ballteam could pull one out and give us somethin’ to believe in!”

Tony Bernazard – Former White Sox middle infielder and current Mets scout challenged the entire Double-A Binghamton Mets team to a fight.  And you thought Ozzie was the only crazy 80’s White Sox MI?  The best part was when the players started snapping their fingers while Bernazard and a prospect circled one another.  When you’re a Met, you’re a Met for life…

Jay Bruce owners got their first bit of good news from him as he fractured his wrist.  This is like when you’re in a terrible relationship that you can’t get out of because you’re scared to be alone, then the other person comes home and says they’re leaving you.  In 12 teams or shallower and non-keeper leagues, I’d remove Jay Bruce from the salamander and chuck him.  Even if he comes back, he wasn’t hitting when his wrist bone was connected to his forearm bone.  As for keepers, I thought Bruce would be a good sleeper candidate for next year.  Now with the nature of his injury, I’m not so sure.  If he needs surgery, it’ll be a much longer process. (When this post went to the (Word)presses, they weren’t sure if Bruce needed surgery.)  To go out on a limb — something Bruce can’t do so well right now — I’m calling Jay Bruce a top fantasy sleeper for 2011 — when we’ll all be taking flying cars to our draft.  Chris Dickerson, who had the start and a steal yesterday, gets an added boost as he’ll see time against righties.  That’s until Dusty grows bored of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 2 ER on Saturday vs. the Giants.  He’s the newest HodgePadre.

Jonathan Sanchez – Last no-hitter for the Giants was John Montefusco.  Before picking up Sanchez, think about everyone that picked up Montefusco after his no-hitter.  (Okay, there was no such thing as fantasy baseball when Montefusco pitched his, but I think you get my point.)  If Sanchez had pitched a two-hitter instead of a no-hitter, would you even be considering him?  Things that make you say hmm…

Barry Zito – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  As the BBWAA hold a caucus at the All-Star Game about giving Zito’s Cy Young to Pedro Martinez.

John Bowker – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I promise this is my last Giants player blurb.  Bochy is supposedly going to play Bowker every day.  Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 63/17/63/.347/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.

Jack Hannahan – Joel Hanrahan’s half-brother was traded to the Seattle Mariners.  You may ask yourself, why do I need to know this?  You don’t.  And the days go by, water flowing underground…

Jeff Francoeur – Traded to the Mets for Ryan Church.  Maybe the change of scenery is all he needed, but for right now I still think Frenchy’s *pinkie to mouth* toast.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 3 walks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without two BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Ryan Church – The recession is hitting everyone, and now the Braves will only carry left-handed scissors.  I wouldn’t bother with Church, except on short schedule days when you’re just playing matchups.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Why can’t he hold a damn lead?  Seriously.  What the eff?  And two Ks?  Who are you, Joel Pineiro?

Brett Anderson – Left after four innings because his back stiffened up.  A’s are saying he should be fine and Steven Tyler’s saying he’ll be F-I-N-E.

Brandon Inge – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 21 on the year.  I guess 35 homers from your catcher slot bores you.

Josh Whitesell – Tony Clark’s release means two things.  1) Josh Whitesell should get the call-up.  He’s a decent flier in NL-Only play.  2) The Diamondbacks are now without a center for their pickup basketball games.

Ryan Ludwick – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader and 2 HRs, then robotically walked onto the field saying, “I must kill the Queen.”

Joe Mauer – 0-for-5 as the Twins scored 13.  Ticker Tease!

Brooks Conrad – HR yesterday.  Has 2 homers since his callup.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  Has some modest pop, no average and Bobby Cox seems content to play him.

Manny Acta – Fired as Nats manager.  Guess you can’t fire a whole franchise.

Mike Napoli – HR on Saturday as he plays every day at DH while Vlad figures out why he has Andre Dawson’s knees.

Clay Buchholz – Will start Friday, but the Sawx plan on sending him down right afterwards.  I believe them.

Josh Beckett – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, only 3 baserunners for his 11th win.  He was my preseason AL Cy Young prediction.  At the break, picks don’t look awful.  (Just ignore any mention of Alfonso Soriano.)

Garrett Jones – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  That’s his fifth homer in 11 games.  That includes a three homer weekend.  He also has 3 steals while batting .310.  What else is in Garrett Jones’s locker?  He bats third and there’s really no one on the Pirates to challenge him for that spot if he hits…. Or even if he doesn’t hit.

Ryan Doumit – Returned from the DL.  People are clamoring for Doumit like he’s going to save their team.  Last year was the outlier.  He’s worth a flier because he’s a catcher, but he may only hit 7 homers with a .260 average the rest of the way.  Not to mention, he’s injury-prone.

J.P. Howell – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Has now thrown 9 walks in the last 10 innings.  As I pointed out a few weeks ago, he’s been pitching closer to a 4 ERA than a 3.  Trust me, I’m not thrilled either.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks.  Over the course of 99 and 2/3 innings this year, he’s issued 59 walks.  Okay, hotshot, how many more hits than walks has he given up?  A) 1-10 B) 11-20 C) 21-30 D) None of the Above E) Colonel Mustard.  If you guessed A, you looked up his stats pretty quick, cheater.  He’s given up 9 more hits than walks.  I don’t feel like doing the research, but has anyone in the history of baseball ever thrown more than 100 innings and had less than 10 more walks than hits while maintaining a sub-3.50 ERA?  Betcha Jayson Stark or some doode wearing a bow tie at Elias Sports Bureau knows.

Much like a newly married female, the Blue Jays have dropped BJ from the active roster.  Imagine this scenario.  You walk into your fro-yo distribution job, say what’s up to your TCBY manager who’s twelve years younger than you, open up the jimmies container and proceed to flip them, one at a time, at your manager’s head.  Timothy asks you politely to stop.  You politely give him a wedgie.  Naturally, he fires you.  Then you collect your salary for the next year.  Man, the life of a terrible baseball player may be better than the life of a marginal one who has to play every day.  B.J. Ryan was released yesterday.  Now he has more time to count his money.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  In fairness to those who don’t own him, this was an easy matchup.  For those that do own him, yee-haw!

Rafael Soriano – Now has more saves than Mike Gonzalez and more vowels than Rzepczynski.

Kevin Hart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 walks.  Belch.

Kenshin Kawakami - 6 IP, 1 ER.  His last start he went 4 1/3 IP and 4 earned vs. the Nats.  I can’t imagine a scenario where Kawakami is not a risky start.  Whether the matchups are favorable or not.

Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, with his 14th homer yesterday.  He trails only Ben Zobrist in most homers by a shortstop.  He also trails Zobrist in awesomeness, but ya’ll knew that.

Manny Parra – Returning to start Thursday vs. the Cards.  He’ll need three decent starts before I even consider him.  Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice, stop freakin’ burning me, pyro!

Chad Gaudin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 7 baserunners.  Over IM, Rudy said this, “(Gaudin) is so hit or miss.”  I said, “Yup.”  Rudy then said, “But don’t put that in the roundup.”  I said, “No problem.”

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  I watched most of this game to see one thing, how does Scherzer throw so many pitches and not get out of the 7th inning? (That’s a complete lie.  I watch every Diamondback game I can because of Mini Donkey.) Seems like Scherzer just gets himself into lots of deep counts.  Kershaw and him really are the same pitcher.

Felipe Lopez – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Man, he got cold as dog balls for a long time.  Hitting one homer for all of May and June combined.  At least steal some bases.  You’re making me look bad!  Hopefully, he can get hot for a few weeks and get into double digits for homers and steals.

Chris Volstad – Threw a five-hit shutout as he K’d 6.  Guess who he was facing.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  *taps finger*  The Giants!   C’mon, that was a gimme.

Dan Uggla – Hit his 16th homer yesterday, batting .223.  Yeah, that’s not great.  Need to raise that to .250 or hit about 5 more homers for that not to matter.

Oliver Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he had a solid game? 7 walks.  Oh.

Joe Mauer – HR yesterday.  He’s had four HRs since his insane 11 homer May.  Maybe he had a BJ Upton playoff cortisone shot in May when he hit those 11 HRs.  Not sure, but since then he’s returned to his high average, below average power ways.

David Aardsma – 3 ER, 5 baserunners, no outs.  Aardsma’s showing why you can’t spell his last name without a Double A.

Roy Halladay – May approve a trade. Big news was the Yankees wouldn’t go after him.  What about the Pirates?  Will the Pirates go after him?  Why isn’t that news?

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Since June his ERA’s over 4 and his WHIP is above 1.30.  Correia has been better.  Snap!

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Just the other day I was asking for him to steal more.  You’re welcome.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks. Since his recall, 3.44/1.20 with 13 Ks.  Money?  Not really, but we are in a recession.  It’s decent.

Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Doode is killing me.  I mean, I have Gaudin and Wandy throw solid games then this guy comes along and throws this shizz.  I’m close to punting him.  Sometimes it’s just better to let someone else pick up the poison pill.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs… The Zo!

Scott Downs – Returned and gave up the game-winning single, but the earned run was charged to Frasor.  Yeah, way to make the other guy look bad.  I know that trick.  Have I mentioned Rudy wanted to draft Kazmir?  Rudy, “Yeah, Fred Lewis has been terrific.”

J.D. Drew – HR yesterday while leading off as Ellsbury hit 6th.  What’s this, an OBP move?  This is ridiculous.  Can someone text Francona that he needs to switch these two?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mets in Metco.  This is one of the problems with Kuroda.  Last year, he led the league in FLAKE, which is basically the deviation from start to start a pitcher has.  It’s a real term.  Well, I mean, as real as a term can be that is made up by a baseball geek in his Mom’s basement.  Leave my socks there, it’s just dried glue!

Jose Contreras - 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Since he came back from the minors, he’s pitching like he’s actually 37-years-old as his ESPN player card says.  37… Ha!

Ervin Santana – 4 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, things aren’t getting better.  Let him have a shred of dignity and shut him down.

Taylor Teagarden – Hit his first homer of the year.  Wow, member when you were thinking about drafting this guy?

Andruw Jones – 5 Hrs in the last four games as he batted cleanup.  You don’t have to like the hot guy to pick up the hot guy.  (<–Quote from He’s Just Not That Into You, but it applies here.)

Donald Veal – Returned from the DL.  Surprisingly, he didn’t have a calf problem.l