Fantasy Baseball Advice

It’s been a while since I went through all the major league closers and their setup men and where they should be ranked. So I figured I’d break it down for you because knowing all the closers and all of their setup man could be helpful for all of you. A million dollars and a naked Christina Ricci chained to your furnace could also be helpful, but I don’t have a furnace. Anyway, all the major league closers and their setup men seems like something all fantasy baseball players could use, so here it is. BTW, do you see how giving I am? I’m like Jolie-giving. Seriously, I should be wearing a habit and carrying a Malaysian orphan in a baby sling while talking on my solar-powered cellphone.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers (Papelbon — a no-brainer! Get it? Oofa!). These closers could get you the most in any trade. I would not hesitate to trade away any of these guys for the right price. In the end, closers are here to get you saves. You could end up with more saves from Rauch than Joe Nathan. When stacked with closers, unstack and trade.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (Aaron Heilman)
6. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon)
7. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers seem like they have a lot more risk than they actually do. It takes a real brainer to see how potentially valuable some of these brainers are. If you trade a no-brainer for a brainer and another player, you’re likely coming out on top.

8. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez, Leo Nunez)
9. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
10. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
11. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell, Cla Meredith)
14. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. J.J. Putz, SEA (Brandon Marrow, Sean Green)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol)
21. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)

BRAIN FREEZE

At some point soon, you’re going to squeeze your temples and grimace like you just ate a pint of Dreyer’s. All of these guys should be traded after they go on a string of few saved games, assuming they go on a string of a few saved games.

22. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
23. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
24. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
25. Manny Acosta, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, et al, ATL (John Smoltz)
26. Rafael Betancourt/Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Joe Borowski)
27. Todd Jones, DET (Clay Rapada, Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Salomon Torres, G. Mota)
29. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
30. Ryan Franklin/Russ Springer, STL (Jason Isringhausen)

I’m not going to debate anyone on Kazmir’s brilliance. He’s brilliant. I realize that. You realize that. We agree. See that. But he’s not going to make it through the season. Just as I told you about the Glass Chipper yesterday, I’m telling you the same shizz today. Do his numbers matter from yesterday’s game? Not in the least. If someone believes he’s turned the injury corner and trucking down healthy highway, trade Kazmir to them for a quality hitter. Don’t trade him for Jason Bartlett and a Teletubbie DVD. Be reasonable! This is not rocket science. This is fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s verbiage (Word of the Day), go check out Greener’s new site, Fantasyphenoms.com. It’s all new and flashy. (Not flashy like Macromedia’s downloadable spyware crizz-ap. I mean, blingy and cool.) Their site is informational and… Well, check it out.

Ryan Howard - I begged everyone to go grab him for the last three weeks. I told you here and here in just the last week. (Hmm, maybe I should stop talking about him.) Anyway, now it’s too late.

Shane Victorino - The Hawaiian is flying.

Chad Billingsley - I’ve been accused of favoring NL pitchers. Yeah, so.

Chipper Jones - Glass Chipper didn’t start last night because of a tweaked groin. Maybe I jinxed him or maybe it’s the last 700 games of his career trends just coming true. You make the call.

Art Shamsky - Looks just like Tommy Lee Jones. You’re welcome, Mets fans.

Dmitri Young - The Meathook’s back and No-Jo is injured and will be out for 4-6 weeks. Nick Johnson is like that girl that wouldn’t sleep with you for, like, 6 months, then on your 6 month anniversary she told you to wait a few more months, then on your two year anniversary, she went on the DL. You wait, you wait and nothing. That’s Nick Johnson.

Adam LaRoche - He’s not an ApRil player or a high aveRage player or… Well, he has his dRawbacks, but he can hit 30 home runs.

Jay Bruce - Patterson might be benched, Griffey or Dunn might be moved soon. (Not that anyone can really move Dunn, except for Dunn. And he doesn’t move himself for anything less than sixteen hamburgers, a large fry and three apple pies.)

Santiago Casilla - Left the game with an apparent arm injury. You don’t need a middle reliever with an arm problem. Oh, well. He was having a nice year, but you gotta let him go.

Matt Joyce - Sure, he sounds like an 18th Century poet, but he should be platooned in against righties on all deep teams.

Masa Kobayashi - Will probably be the closer for the next two weeks.

Joe Borowski - Will probably be the closer by the end of the month. Way to run with the ball, Betancourt!

Ryan Franklin - Officially replaced Isringhausen for now. With Izzy going on the DL, which is code for get your shizz together with Dave Duncan.

Pedro Feliz - Peter Happy is streaky and he just hit a home run and another ball that should’ve been a home run, but was a single — don’t ask.

John Smoltz - He can be very valuable in the bullpen and can get saves. So if you need saves, stop reading. If you wanted Smoltz as your front line starter and don’t need a closer, then you should trade him quickly before he comes back just in case he has more arm problems. Right now, everyone’s thinking he can succeed as a closer as he did before. He might, but he’s 41 and it’s been a few seasons since the last time he pitched in the ninth and on consecutive days.

Chuck James - My name is Chuck James and I have a can’t-pitch-effectively problem.

Dr. Julie Andrews sure has been busy lately. First sending Posada to the DL now Smoltz. Officially Smoltz has a severely old arm that has been severely overused which leaves him severely doubtful for a while. Actually, that wasn’t official, but let’s just say the injury news reaffirms a sore arm that first appeared in March. So what does that mean? It means you’re S.O.L — shit out of luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if Smoltz isn’t around for a few months and even when he returns, it may not be for long. He may just return, pitch a few times then reinjure himself. So what do you do? Well, you put him on your DL or you trade him for fifty cents on the dollar. I suggest you trade him. Old pitchers with a ton of innings on their arm who complain of arm soreness in spring training, then go on the DL with the same arm soreness, aren’t good ones to hold onto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - Um, yeah… Well, he did retire César Izturis once. Okay, he was rocked. By the Cardinals. Badly. But he’s not the first rookie pitcher to get hit hard. Last year, Lincecum and Gallardo both had their hiccups (or vomitings, depending on your POV). He’s a rookie pitcher and these things have to be weathered or get out of the rookie pitcher game. Will Cueto continue to get rocked? Let’s hope not, but he’s a rookie. He did tweak something in his leg last time out, so maybe that was the issue. Let’s hope so. He still has a tremendous K/BB ratio. You can’t drop him to waivers yet as much as you might want to.

Derrek Lee - I said in January, “In the 2nd half last year, he finally regained his power that was so badly missing after his wrist injury. Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.” And that’s me quoting me! Can he hit 45 home runs? Doubtful, but 35 seems more than doable.

Joe Borowski - He’s playing toss, which is to say he’s throwing as hard as he can. Oofa! Yeah, he’s still a few weeks away from pressing Betancourt and even then, I’m skeptical he can be an effective closer. Although…

Rafael Betancourt - Was a shook one. Beltre (who had three walks in a game for the first time since 2004!) hit a bomb. Betancourt’s still fine. For now. Stay posted.

Ben Sheets - Six times in his career he’s walked five or more batters. Tonight he walked seven. I’m guessing he’s hiding an injury. I know, big surprise.

Alfonso Soriano - He’s coming back from the DL on Thursday and will immediately go into the leadoff spot. I’d field offers to see what I could get because, as always, before the injured player returns he has the most value. I wouldn’t trade him for a chicken fetus and toast, but, ya know, send out feelers.

Jonathan Broxton - Looks to be headed to the DL. This actually hurts me more than Smoltz because I have Broxton on a lot of teams. It was described as an injury simliar to Rich Harden’s. *sticking my head in the oven*

Troy Tulowitzki - Ugh. He left the game with an apparent leg injury. Hopefully it’s nothing to serious because he hasn’t even started to hit yet. The last thing his owners (me on a lot of teams) need is for him to be sidelined and never get on track. Baker was supposed to start last night. *turning on the oven*

Chad Cordero - Going back to the DL. Maybe Nomar and Blalock can work him into their carpool schedule. Kids gotta go to school!

Troy Glaus - I know it’s not a sexy pick, but, as I keep saying, he can help you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - This guy is laying a major turd baby in every single at-bat. Honestly, I thought last year’s 1st half slump was simply a rookie adjusting and his 2nd half numbers were a sign that he would come out fast this year. Well, this article I wrote way back in December was a joke, but seems eerily prescient (Word of the Day, bitches!).

Joel Pinero, Carlos Silva and Josh Fogg - Combined for like 80 innings of 2 run baseball yesterday with like a .00001 WHIP. Why won’t my pitching suck?!

Ryan Zimmerman - Hit his first home run since April 2nd. I’m still not a fan, but this might lead to a hot streak. Those Zimmerfans out there better hope so.

Jose Guillen - If picking up Guillen off waivers causes you to have an erection for longer than four hours, you need to see a doctor, but I told you last week he was a good buy low. Is he exciting? No, but he’ll get some home runs.

Chipper Jones - Player of the month. I’d still trade him tomorrow for the right offer. In fact, I suggest you start trying to trade him. He won’t stay healthy for 150 games like he wants to. His value will never be higher than it will be today.

Mike Cameron - Returned and was placed right into the two hole. He went 3-for-5 with two runs and two RBIs. I felt like Tejada was a great pick this year because he wanted to prove to people that he was clean and under 35. By that twisted logic, Cameron could also be in for a good year. If you won’t pick him up because he cheated, grab JR Towles — he went to Jesus Camp.

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Hello, fantasy baseball fans in America and abroad! Hope your teams are doing better than mine - I keep forgetting that the Dodgers no longer play in a hitter’s park….Am I the only one who gets Grady Sizemore and Brady Anderson mixed up?….One of my favorite players is David Ortiz because we have so much in common - bad knees, we’re older than we claim, and we both like being called Big Papi….Glad to see David Eckstein land in Toronto - I just hope they keep the dome closed during day games to protect his skin….Forget Hollywood, the best director of a cast of characters in LA is Joe Torre. I drafted all four Dodgers OFs just to be a part of it….CC Sabathia’s starts remind me of my prostate exams - I keep hoping for a happy ending but I just end up coughing and looking to the side….Am I the only one that gets Cracker Jack and Crunch ‘n Munch mixed up?….Sorry Mr. Westbrook but the best Jake pitching today is Jake Peavy….SF’s Brian Bocock is the best amateur middle infielder I’ve seen since Billy Crystal….The most insightful Baseball Tonight personality is John Kruk - boy am I glad he’s not in my fantasy baseball league….second most insightful Baseball tonight personality is a 14-way tie….I feel bad for Chad Cordero and Joe Borowski as I lose things all the time too….If Michael Bourn and Carl Crawford ran a race, I’d recommend that the spectators not blink…..Am I the only one that gets Jose Mesa and Jose Valverde mixed up?…..If managing baseball is like a game of chess, Dusty Baker is a Grandmaster…..The only thing hotter than the weather and the women in Arizona are the trio of Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and Micah Owings…they go as well together as my face and a pair of fake knockers….

Joe Borowski landed on the DL, but he’s not coming back any time soon. He was put on the DL because he couldn’t throw a ball faster than 83 MPH. Do you think that’s going to change with some R & R?  Rafael Soriano is on the DL, Peter Moylan is on the DL, so Manny Acosta takes over the closer role. I said yesterday, Manny Acosta could be the closer for a while. So what else is going on in the world of major league closers and some fantasy baseball implications? Let’s take a look:

Trevor Hoffman - Last week, I advised you trade for him and I’m saying the same now. Maybe I’ll say more of the same next week. Oh, happy day!

Jose Valverde - He was not good before last year. Not sure what you can get for him, but I would explore trade options sooner rather than later. I picked up Brocail two days ago where I had room.

Francisco Rodriguez - Shields is the setup man, but I’m not fielding him on any team right now. I trust K-Rod to stay relatively healthy.

Rafael Betancourt - The closer for right now in Borowski’s stead. I get the sneaky suspicion that Rafael Perez and/or Masahide Kobayashi are going to have a say in this. I think they all need to be fielded in AL-Only leagues and deep mixed leagues.

Takashi Saito - Broxton could be the closer right now, but Torre’s not making this switch, at least not unless Saito completely breaks down, which I don’t see happening. I mean, for Christmas sake, Torre played Nomar immediately.

Huston Street - He’s on a team that should lose 90 to 100 games and he’s more injury-prone than Nordberg. You make the call!

Chad Cordero - Jon Rauch will have more saves than Cordero by the end of the year.

Brian Wilson - Saves are saves but Wilson is almost not worth the hassle. I’d try and move him if anyone’s reading Karabell’s usual vomit, where he called Wilson a great Buy Low candidate. Unless his definition of Buy Low is a shaky closer that walks as many as he strikes out. Then he’s right on.

Brad Lidge - Now for an actual Buy Low guy. Who are the Phillies turning to if Lidge fails? Brett Myers again? Tom Gordon? Will the Phillies win close to 90 games? They can. Does Brad Lidge still strike out a ton? Sure does. Are people absolutely terrified he’s going to implode at any second? Yup, they are. Will he? I don’t think so. If he stays healthy, he can get 40 saves with excellent strikeout numbers. As Abba once sang, “Gonna do my very best and it ain’t no lie… If you put me to the test, if you let me try…Take a chance on me…” (Sorry if you now can’t get that out of your head.)

B.J. Ryan - BJ will have you down on your knees. (hehe) He’s not safe, but you knew that. Unfortunately, the people behind him have jumbled themselves as who a clear cut heir apparent might be. At this point, if BJ can’t close a game, if could be anyone from Frasor to Accardo to Wolfe to Downs. I kinda hope BJ can pull it together so I don’t have to pick up any of those other schmohawks.

George Sherrill - Now has six saves. I’d still trade him if I got the right offer.

Brandon Lyon - Not sure if there’s a closer I trust less right now. I even picked up Qualls in one deep league.