Fantasy Baseball Advice

An action packed week is in store for ya.  I know you can barely contain yourselves. Every single team has 7 games this week. Add in the fact that the start of interleague play is upon us and it is like a delicious fantasy burrito.  I mean who doesn’t like a great burrito, besides vegetarians and really weird people who don’t eat burritos.  Okay, I’m back; I had to go out and get a burrito. Where was I…Ah yes, this week in fantasy baseball for two start starters.  Man, that is clunky.  Either way, lots of really good options this week, for both maximizing on starts with some of the lads I have listed, but also the streaming variety.  So be heady this week, and keep in mind that some of your lineup selections will be affected by the no DH factor. So enjoy the 210 games of baseball action this week and good luck.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/16

Felipe Paulino vs Bal – Hunter

Chris Capuano @ SD – Richard

5/17

Jerome Williams vs CHW – Axelrod

Phil Hughes @ Tor – Hutchinson

5/18

Drew Pomeranz vs Sea – Beavan

Scott Diamond @ Mil – Estrada

TWO START OPTIONS:

Ryan Vogelsong ( Col vs. White, Oak vs Ross) I most definitely cannot sing, I can whistle though.  I would certainly not whistle a Vogel of anything, regardless of what it is.  Well, if it’s a huge piece of ice cream cake maybe.

Jeff Niemann (@Tor vs Morrow, Atl vs Delgado) If I were Jeff, I would most definitely have name my son Marcus.  Just for giggles.  Nothing gets kids to make friends faster then torment.

Bruce Chen (@Tex vs Lewis, Ari vs Miley) I wish he had a sidekick cat named Spot and posed as a janitor when he wasn’t pitching. To me that would make the world a better place.   Just don’t tell Sergeant Flint he is a drag.

Joe Blanton (Hou vs Harrell, Bos vs Lester) He should change his name to Blahton. He really isn’t blah, but compared to the other SP options in Philly he looks like vanilla in a sea of chocolate.

Ross Detwiler (SD vs Suppan, Bal vs Hammel) Looking at his home ERA makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile, not having to type out Tom Gorz-what’s-his-name’s name.

Anthony Bass (@Was vs Strasburg, Ana vs Santana) He would look a lot sexier if both of these were at home. That and the fact that he has to face St. Rasburg.  Oh, and if he sang “Take me to the river.”

Jason Vargas (@Bos vs Beckett, @Col vs Friedrich) One of those guys that looks better on your fantasy team, then everyone else realizes. I hope he changes teams midseason and pulls a Fister, literally not figuratively.

Wade Miley (@LAD vs Billingsley, @KC vs Chen) ERA is better away from Chase Field.  I wonder if it has to do with the ATM fees when you’re not banking at home.

Paul Maholm (@STL vs Lohse, CHW vs Peavy) If you like to roll the dice then roll Maholm for 4 straight wins, 1 earned run or less in each start.  Just don’t tell Marmol that he has a lead because he will want to blow on those dice.

Homer Bailey (@Atl vs Delgado, @NYY vs Nova) I couldn’t hate a fantasy player more than this guy. Okay,  I just got yelled at by my mom who said hate is a strong word.  I told her so is assisted living.

Christian Friedrich / Alex White (@SF – Vogelsong / Lincecum, Sea vs Millwood / Vargas) Combined they form the super tandem of White Christian.  Separate they may pull off the same feat.  I’m not hear to judge, there is a total separation between church and stats.

Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us.  The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path!  What?  I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here.  Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls.  Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson.  It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL.  David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture.  This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera.  I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year.  If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano.  The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience.  Whatever that means nowadays.  After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience.  Juan Cruz has it now!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky?  You have a third nipple!?  No, Random Italicized Voice.  Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand.  (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.)  I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town.  Maybe Cozumel.  Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience!  Then return a week later healthy.  The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair).  The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona.  BTW, his wife is 46 years old?  And Tabata is 23?  A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.).  If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening.  Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.

Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time.  Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack.  Me myself, I like to max.  Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax!  Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics?  Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest?  Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that.  No can do.  Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average.  He was hitting .356 in Triple-A.  That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280.  He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive.  You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)

Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer.  He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.

Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.

Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks.  Can he pitching coach Scherzer?

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, dropping his average to .202.  Can’t they pinch-hit Maicer Izturis for him?

Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres.  Then Frieri was traded to the Angels.  I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness.  That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again!  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.

Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy.  Don’t make me go back there!

Joe Blanton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In related news, Halladay left the Phillies for a few days for a personal reason.  He didn’t say why except, “Yo, Joe Blanton got this.”

Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Superfluous Y’s rejoice!  In chorus, “Because!”

Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue.  Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop.  In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors.  Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.

Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game.  I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside.  Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music.  “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?”  “It’s Vogelsong.”

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  His bumper sticker reads, “Why can’t a nosh be posh?  Kipnis!”  His Jason Kipnis fantasy reads like that.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Hint:  He’s not a sell.

Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug.  Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm.  Those things are nasty.  This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt.  Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days.  Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice.  His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice.  His health, well, it’s good for now.  I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal.  He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games.  He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago).  He’s hot.  Pick him up.  Go now.  This post will be here when you return.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189.  They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother.  And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s.  In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.

Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs.  Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn.  See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good.  Makes total sense.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo.  They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano.  Two birds, one stone (or granite).

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers +  Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee.  Hmm, math is wrong there.  Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!

Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners.  There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!).  Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!).  I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular.  He hasn’t been craptacular though either.  Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation.  James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick.  He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty.  It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation.  Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb.  *finger tap*  Waiting…

Well, here we are in week 3 already, wonder if ML bee will have another opening game just to keep it fresh.   The world of two-start pitchers is in full bloom, the rotations are coming together and being set in an orderly fashion.  Thank goodness.  I needed a abacus, 2 liters of cola and a Snoopy notebook just to get anything close to some sort of semblance for last week’s post.  I will be honest with you, there aren’t many great options this week to take advantage of matchups.  Every lower end option this week has either one or two really tough outing.  My best advice to you, if you have ever read my posts before and are on the fence about a starter, refer to your most readily available betting line.  I say it every year and some listen, but others forget to take their ADD medicine and wander off.  So enjoy my tidbit of fantasy baseball knowledge as we get to the fellas that will go twice this week. Enjoy the week and good luck!  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

One Start Streamers:

4/18

Derek Lowe @ Sea – Vargas

Juan Nicasio vs SD – Richard

4/19

Randy Wolf  @LAD – Harang

4/20

Lance Lynn @ Pit vs Morton

Edinson Volquez vs PHI – Hamels

Jeanmar Gomez @ Oak – Godfrey

4/21

Jake Westbrook  @ Pit – Correia

Two Start Options:

Philip Humber (Bal vs Arrieta, Sea vs Beavan) Of all the guys listed, probably my favorite 2 start streamer of the week.  That doesn’t mean you should stop reading here.  BTW, where else can you get a Humber twice in a week and not have to pay for it?

Freddy Garcia  (Min vs Pavano, @Bos vs Bard) We still like you cause of the hat you wear.  So be grateful. I want the old Freddy, with the flowing locks of Jheri-curled sassiness, that’s when I used to use words like smitten and rad.  Is a 6 IP, 3 ER pitcher but based on this week’s other choices it could be slim pickens, minus him riding the atomic bomb.

Joe Saunders (Pit vs Bedard, Atl vs Hanson)  Love me some of the Colonel. I am a sucker for wily veterans, what can I say, that’s why I got rims on my motorized scooter.  Hope for the best, pray for an offensive onslaught by the D-Backs. And by love in the first sentence I mean from a distance.

Jeremy Guthrie (SD vs Luebke, @Mil vs Gallardo) God, I wish he was better.  I wanna root for him cause he generally seems like a nice guy and someone that I would probably stop stalking if he just acknowledged me.  Jeremy, BTW, your new furniture looks great from the lawn.

Danny Duffy (@Det vs Verlander, Tor vs Romero) Hey, Danny, good job on that last start.  Let’s move you up to the AP level of matchups now. As fast as he was added, he will be stamped with a triangle and then separated by color; green, brown, clear.  See ya in 3 weeks, I’ll send you a tickler.

Randall Delgado (NYM vs Santana, @Ari vs Kennedy) Let’s temper expectations a little; it was against Houston.  Julio Teheran was seen working on his core with Richard Simmons and an ice cream scoop.  The scoop could not be reached for comment. Good test for the youngen, after these two you should know what you’re getting and could be a popular pick if you don’t get him now.

Kevin Millwood (Cle vs Masterson, CHW vs Danks) “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.”  That’s me quoting Grey.  If Millwood makes 30 starts I may start writing about fantasy synchronized swimming, because he will be a frequenter in this weekly post and I already hate it.

Drew Smyly (@KC vs Chen, Tex vs Lewis) Great lineup…check. At least one decent matchup…check.  Named after an emoticon…check. Hey, if he totally sucks, it was fun writing his name like this for awhile, Drew : )

Joe Blanton (@SF vs Bumgarner, @SD vs Bass) For streaming starts this is like a threesome with the 80′s version of Carol Alt and Ma’am from Webster.  Hey, no one really wants the details, it still counts.  Philly’s O is more like a Y right now with aspirations of being a real vowel someday.

Dillon Gee (@Atl vs Hanson,SF vs Lincecum) A rough matchup week for a guy I tend to like to outperform this year. True story, his facial inventory is causing PS3 to freak out.   Should market himself a little better and change his number to 6.  Oh well, the bottles are on ice so we have time.

Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago.  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday.  Playing catch?  What, the Nats doing a video for Cat’s in the Cradle?  He should be pitching, not playing catch.  So that’s one red flag.  The bigger red flag with a skull and crossbones is obviously soreness from playing catch.  That’s awesome for a young reliever who was used a lot last year (75 1/3 IP).  Two days ago, Davey Johnson said Storen wasn’t throwing because he had strep throat.  So does he have strep arm now?  Johnson said he’s not worried about Storen.  Davey lies… Davey lies when he cries and implies Storen is still his prize…  In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.  For those in deeper leagues or feeling light on saves, I’d grab Lidge.  I think Storen will ultimately be fine, but better safe than sorry as they say in the Clichè Hall of Fame, which is located on Main Street in Capital City.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Report out of Philly is they aren’t motivated to trade Blanton.  Sounds like when your garbage piles up and you can’t motivate to throw it out.  Maybe we’ll see the Phillies on the new season of Hoarders.

Ryan Howard – Without a walking boot, he took grounders yesterday while sitting on a stool.  Maybe he’s hoping he can be the Bill Cosby of 1st baseman.  “I was taking ground balls with my manager, Man-yoo-el.  Man-yoo-el is great; he gave me chocolate cake!”

Ryan Madson – Threw twenty pitches in a simulated game, then left with pain in his elbow.  Wow, and Dusty hasn’t even managed him in a game yet.  He just points his toothpick at pitchers’ elbows and they go down.  This is starting to sound like Sean Marshall is gonna be the closer for the Reds on Opening Day.  Yes, he should be owned too.

Juan Pierre – Has been caught stealing three times in five attempts in the spring.  Is there anything sadder than a steals-only guy who can no longer steal?  That’s not rhetorical.  Really, is there?

Neftali Feliz – Rangers are reporting that Feliz threw with no issues.  To incorrectly paraphrase Modest Mouse, this is bad news for people who like bad news about starters they don’t want to own.

Carlos Marmol – Will return on Monday.  Will close until July.  Will be traded to a contender to be an eighth inning set-up man.  It’s a feeling I have.

Mark Reynolds – The O’s are talking about trading him.  Looks like the O’s management got the letter in the bottle that was dropped in the Atlantic about thirteen years ago that read, “Go young, you have no chance of competing right now.”

Adam Dunn – Sticking with the newly established donkey theme, Dunn hit two homers yesterday.  In 1970, Boog Powell hit 35 homers and won the MVP at the age of 28.  The next year, he struggled to hit 22, then 21, 11 and 12 before having one final (Berkman-type resurgence) with 27 homers in 1975, then he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Frank Howard hit 44 homers at 33, then 26 homers the next year and pretty much out of baseball at 35.  Greg Luzinski hit 35 homers at the age of 27.  At 28, he hit 18.  Then nothing for 4 years (had a Berkman resurgence year), then out of baseball at 33.  Mo Vaughn went from MVP contender to retired.  The history of the big-bellied isn’t great when they start to age.  Dunn is 32 years old.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Can Dunn come back and hit 25 homers this year?  It’s possible.  It’s gonna come with a .240 or lower average.  We’re not going to see 40 homers from The Big Donkey again.

Desmond Jennings – Could be out until next week, but he should have plenty of time to be ready for Opening Day.  Or as they call it in the Albright household, O’Jennings Day.

Dustin Pedroia – Left the game after being hit on the forearm.  He didn’t want to leave, but Bobby Valentine insisted.  Then Pedroia nipped at his ankles and Bobby put a cone on his head.  Pedroia should be back in a few days.

Kendrys Morales – In his first action with the Angels since his limp-off home run, he got two hits.  Small victories are good.  They’re especially good for Morales who celebrates big victories like an idiot.

Tyler Greene – The Cards look like they’re going to start Greene at 2nd base and in the leadoff slot (with Furcal somewhere at the bottom of the order).  Greene feels like a guy that someone in an NL-Only league will either get lucky drafting or will want to drop by week two.

Tyler Colvin – Hitting near .400 in spring training.  That means nothing, as does Colvin in most leagues.  However, I wouldn’t be shocked if we get into the first week of the season and Blake is benched (or injured), Cuddyer goes to 3rd and Colvin is playing the outfield and becomes one of the hottest adds.  It’s a thought to stash next to your rolling papers.

Scott Baker – Yesterday, he threw in a minor league game.  So he pitched Twins batting practice?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-33 this spring.  Feels like old times!

Lorenzo Cain – Now has four homers and is batting .486 in the spring.  Cain…Sugar!’s not yet on any of my teams, but I think I might need to reach for him in one league.  Bourgeois, you’ve been Marx’d down!

Billy Butler – Hit his third homer of the spring as he has an insane 1.258 OPS over 39 at-bats.  They don’t call him Mr. Grapefruit for nothing.

Pedro Alvarez – Ah, my old heartthrob, is playing like there’s a reason why he’s not my new heartthrob.  It looks likely M.C. Gehee will be playing 3rd base.  The Pirates get the gas face.

Erik Bedard – Named Pirates Opening Day starter.  The Pirates then added, “If he’s healthy.”

David Wright – Took BP and said, “I feel about as good as I’d feel, I guess, picking up a bat for the first time in a few weeks.  Hopefully it gets better from here result-wise.  But just being out there and being able to go through a full day and a full round of batting practice and not feeling anything, that’s pretty good.”  I’ll read between the lines for you.  ”I was swinging at about 50% against a soft-tossing BP pitcher and I still didn’t really get good swings on the ball.  It was sure nice to see the fellas after going through three weeks of testing done by a Met doctor who had a degree from a med school in Guam.  I wonder if there’s bears in Guam and if they call them Guamy Bears.”

Jon Niese – Got an offseason nose job because Beltran used to make fun of him.  It’s not the first time that a Mets outfielder led to drugs being applied to a Mets pitcher’s nose.

Fausto Carmona – Or as his birth certificate says, Roberto Hernandez Heredia, is scheduled to throw 80 pitches at the Indians’ academy in the Dominican Republic.  Afterwards at the academy, Carmona will take classes like “Ethics In Nomenclature and Age” and “Nutrition:  It’s a Real Word.”

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.