Fantasy Baseball Advice

In 2005, Brandon McCarthy was an important part of that White Sox team that won the World Series even if he was left off the playoff roster. Tell us, Grey, tell us what you think of him now? Okay, but get off my lap. It’s totally weird. The Rangers want, nay, need him to step up and be a contributing member of their rotation in 2009. (2009?! Can you believe that shizz? 2009 seemed straight out of science fiction novels or maybe I’m just dating myself — which would suck cause then I would have to pick up the check — wocka wocka wocka.) He’s been prone to giving up the long ball in the past, which could be trouble in Arlington, but he might give you WHIP and Ks down the stretch while only sacrificing a bit on ERA. In 2009, he could be a sleeper. Stay tuned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jesus Flores - In a bizarre decision, Chase Utley tried to steal home while Ryan Howard was up to bat (maybe it’s not that bizarre considering how Howard has been lately, and by lately I mean all season). Chase ended up giving Jesus Flores a flying elbow and sending him to the doctor like Snuka after he was met by that coconut to the skull. I was impressed Flores held onto the ball, but would be shocked if he returned this season. I believe the Nats are left with Wil Nieves at catcher. In a league that only uses Nats players, I would think Nieves is still available. He should remain that way.

Aaron Harang - Just when you think he’s turned the corner, he puts it into reverse and runs over your foot.

Jon Niese - 3 IP, 5 ER and it could’ve been much worse. His curve looked legit, but he had the control of an incontinent person after eating a mango.

Zach Greinke - 7 IP, 2 ER. Maybe I got off the rails a little too early on this crazy train.

Carlos Zambrano - After the game, he complained of arm soreness. Tomorrow he’ll see Dr. Gryzlo, who once dated Wendy Wallace, who went to school with Tom Pewter, who used to go to the same car wash as Dr. James Andrews. Trouble! I’m hesitant about using Big Z in the near future as it becomes obvioius I was Jokey Smurf’d in one league where I traded for him. The Cubs are going with Sean Marshall and he could have some value if he stays in the mix for starts. This might be a blessing in disguise for the Cubs. They would’ve had to roll Big Z out there in the playoffs out of loyalty, whether he was good or not. Now if he’s injured, they can go with whoever is pitching well.

Clayton Kershaw - He looked fantas– Oh, Padres. Right.

Yusmeiro Petit - Didn’t look good yesterday, though a ten day lay off can do that. This might be the opening that Jobacum needs for an explosion on the scene.

Felipe Lopez - 2-for-3 with a HR. Honestly, Buddy Biancalana could still productive if he were being managed by LaRussa. It must be something in the water. Though I don’t think it’s water.

Matt Garza - I told you he would be bad against the Yanks. Now start him next time out against the Jays.

Dustin Pedroia - 16th home run yesterday. Big Papi sits at 17. (For what it’s worth, Papi hit a double into the right field corner yesterday that he used to send 20 rows back into the seats.)

Jeremy Guthrie - Will have his turn skipped this Wednesday. As I’ve been saying for a few weeks now, he’s a very risky play going forward.

Troy Percival - Was activated from the DL. It’s only a matter of time.

Andre Ethier - A double away from the cycle yesterday. Guarantee the people over at Elias Sports Bureau were scrambling to see if someone came within a double of a cycle back in 1920. “Bootstrap” Carlyle went 3-for-4, did he almost get a double? I must know!

Joba Chamberlain - Supposedly he’ll be out of the bullpen in 2009 as the Yanks remain cautious with The Joba Rules. They should institute Pavano Rules. Hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object, bury him in the Pine Barrens and let Joba start.

Yesterday, Adrian Beltre and Stephen Drew both hit for the cycle. Hadn’t happened on the same day for two players since 1920 when George Burns (Yes, that George Burns) and Bobby Veach did it. But back then there were five bases, everyone wore aviator goggles and most played because they thought it would help them avoid scurvy. For fantasy baseball purposes, this means very little. In the very deep third base pool, Adrian Beltre’s wearing water wings and sitting on the diving board while everyone else wonders what his problem is and why he won’t just go in. He’s always been a 2nd half hitter and he hit two home runs on Sunday, so maybe this is a sign that he’s going to be hot for the final month. Meanwhile, fantasy owners for two years have been trying to solve the Stephen Drew mystery. Will he be good or what? Since the All-Star break, he’s hit .320 but he’s lacked power. If he can just put together solid average and power, he could be a huge breakout in ‘09. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam Jones - HR yesterday in his first game back and celebrated with a Phillie Blunt and a cup of Golden Seal Tea.

Justin Verlander - 1.2 IP, 5 ER. I was about to smack my pug, Arfer Woofruff, with a newspaper, but that was actually Verlander who defecated in my living room.

Randy Johnson - 8 Ks in less than four innings, but was hit for 5 runs. Blame the four HRs. I’m holding him for his next game against the Dodgers. Might bail after that. Recognize!

Johan Santana - If he pitched into the extra innings, the Mets would find a way to win the inning after he came out.

Shin-Soo Choo - 3-for-4 yesterday and in the last week he’s hit 3 HRs and a .450. Might stay hot for another week or two, which could make all the difference in H2H playoffs.

Jason Schmidt - Shut down for rest of season. Some of you might be wondering if this is news from April and I just forgot to post it. You wouldn’t be entirely wrong.

Ryan Zimmerman - HR yesterday. I give Zimmerman a lot of crap, but it’s only fair to point out his successes too. So if he had any success, I would point it out.

Ben Sheets - Left his start after the top of the fifth with a tight groin. After the game Sheets said. “I think it’s gonna be fine. I really think I’ll be OK. I’ll just pay a little more attention to it, hopefully move forward.” Is it me or does he sound like Rainman right before he starts banging his head with his hand?

Joba Chamberlain - Set to return to the bullpen on Tuesday. He’s not going to start until the end of September. I think if the Yankees are out of it, Joba won’t start at all, which is to say he’s not starting again this year.

Cliff Lee - Goes to 20-2 and the magical season for Cliff Lee and Comatose Indians Fan continues. Next stop for Cliff Lee is Cy Young. Next stop for Comatose Indians Fan is a haircut.

Chris Young - 5 IP, 4 ER. This may as well be spring training for him, but worth rostering for his home games.

Dallas McPherson - Wasn’t mentioned in the September call ups post, but would’ve been if I mentioned him. How’s dat logic?  He’s worth a pickup in NL-Only keeper leagues just in case he gets some playing time.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Going for an MRI with elbow soreness. Fun fact of the day, I can’t go for an MRI because I have a metal plate in my head. Yes, I hold notes to my head with magnets.

Paul Byrd - 7 IP, 4 ER and a win. That’s so Byrd. (BTW, wouldn’t it be great if Marlon was traded to the Sox so their jerseys could say, Pa. Byrd and Ma. Byrd?)

Already sporting 2 of the top 3 NL windmills in Krispie Young and Mark Reynolds, the D-Backs traded for #5 Adam Dunn.  Dunn will give you HR.  Dunn will give you OBP.  Everything else is ugly and it looks like the Reds just couldn’t take looking at it anymore. It’s as if he’s Moneyball on the rocks and everyone prefers to add some tonic or juice. This doesn’t do much for Dunn’s value.  He still has home games in a hitter’s park and it’s not like his HRs wouldn’t clear the walls in San Diego and SF. This move adds some offensive punch to the D-Backs lineup, but remember Dunn was never a huge RBI guy. Speaking of huge, there’s a hole in the Reds team now that Kamala, the Ugandan Giant, (or Jim Thome) could walk through. Hairston should benefit from the lineup spot vacancy and Patterson should get most starts in the outfield. But who will the Reds now judge burly against? Their lardstick has left the building. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Longoria - Fractured wrist sends Longoria to the DL. Word around Wisteria Lane is the injury happened from bitch-slapping Nicolette Sheridan. It’s tough being the youngest and prettiest on the block… For the Rays, this is a tough 1-2 after losing Carl Crawford. It’s as if the world realizes something is amiss with the Rays winning and wants to put things back in order. Bad news for Longoria owners. There’s a chance the Rays rush him back for the pennant race, but there’s also a good chance he may not return this year in time to help anyone or he may return and not be the same hitter in the final month. Wrist injuries are often doom for hitters’ short-term production.

CJ Wilson - Done for the season. Guardado will remain the closer until he begins to look more like the real Guardado then Frank Francisco will take over. ETA for real Guardado? 3 days to one month.

Justin Verlander - 4.1 IP, 6 ER. Reports are saying he has a dead arm. That doesn’t mean he’s walking around like a zombie with his arm sticking out. It means Leyland had him throw 130 pitches last week then had him throw 4 days later. Luckily, a dead arm is not as bad as an injured arm. But it’s the first step.

Aaron Heilman - 3 ER, blowing the save. If Heilman’s got Jerry Manuel pulling out his hair, he might want to call Guiseppe Franco. When the best righty closer in your team’s 40+ year history is Armando Benitez, you’ve got to expect the worst. If you’re Double D’d with closers, you might want to punt this whole situation.

John Grabow - Save for Pittsburgh. Might be good for 5-7 more saves the rest of the way which will require 10-12 Tums.

Glen Perkins - Kudos to those of you who had the cajones to start the now 9-3 Perkins against the Yanks as he shut them out for 8 innings.  He’s not going to give you K’s or a great WHIP but he might be worth keeping an eye on for spot starts the rest of the way.

Carlos Lee - Had surgery on his pinkie. The operating doctor said, “It had been torn apart like a jigsaw puzzle that we put together.” Okay, but was it like a snow scene puzzle where there’s like 3000 white pieces or was it a dogs playing poker puzzle?

Shaun Marcum - 6 IP, 2 ER. He looks flat-out usable. (Which is, of course, below flat-out dominating and above flat-out awful.)

Nomar Garciaparra - Returns from the DL on Tuesday. Hopefully he doesn’t hurt anyone else reinjuring himself on Wednesday.

Hideki Matsui/Joba Chamberlain - Hideki’s running the bases and Joba’s set to throw on Friday. Everything’s all right in Yankee land, except for getting shutout by the aforementioned Glen Perkins. And batting Justin Christian lead off. And being 9 games behind the Rays. And being closer to the fourth place Jays than the second place Sox. And starting Sidney Ponson every fifth day. And starting Rasner. And relying on Xavier Nady. And still paying Carl Pavano. And thinking Ivan Rodriguez would really matter in the big picture. But other than those things, all is right in Yankee land.

Closers are dispensable.  Izzy?  No he isn’t?  Kobayashi.  Got the kabosh. What’s next out of the closer gullet - cherry-flavored Perezes! Chris Perez is now in the Cardinals mix, snagging the save tonight.  Ryan Franklin has been exposed, so LaRussa might as well give the kid a shot.  Maybe Wainwright takes over at some point, but wouldn’t you rather him start instead of Piniero come September? As for Cleveland, their bullpen has already gone through more Indians than small pox. Joe-Blow, Betancourt, Kobayashi…. Might as well… I don’t know….use your best reliever in Rafael Perez.  No use saving him for lefty matchups in the 8th when your closer is just going to give up the lead in the 9th. Now if only the Mets could find a Perez. Shouldn’t be too hard - there’s probably a thousand or so in the phone book. Hell, throw Rosie Perez out there.  It’s hard to swing when you’re covering your ears from her voice. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gio Gonzalez - Doooodes, he looked good. I’m sorry. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. I watched him give up the 2-out home run to Barajas. I watched him strikeout some schmohawks. He may not be startable in all leagues, but I’m holding him in deep leagues. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, I’m really holding.

Joba Chamberlain - As expected, he’s been moved to the DL.  Brian Cashman has laid out Joba rules for the doctors - don’t test his shoulder on consecutive days, wear kids gloves at all times, and give him lollipops after his visits.

C.J. Wilson - Told you yesterday that he was headed to the Disgraceful List. Guess where he is now? Notice how I never say, I told you so. But I did tell you so. Yes, I just said I told you so. And again. Eddie Guardado will be the closer. Frank Francisco will be his setup man. I wouldn’t trust my dead grandmother’s life with Guardado. (BTW, she threw faster than Guardado. Still might.)

Bobby Crosby - HR yesterday. 2nd this week. He’s worth a looksee, even if his unhealthiness makes you want to take care of him. Don’t chew, Bobby….Momma Bird will take care of that.

Jody Gerut - Another HR yesterday. Now has 9. Or one more than Alexis Rios.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis!

Mike Cameron - He’s streaky.  5 hits and 2 SBs across 2 games might be the start of something.

Shaun Marcum - 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. For those hoping this is the bounce back you’re waiting on, I say it was Oakland. I’d tread carefully.

Brandon Backe - After his 11 ER debacle last night, Backe seems to be challenging Barry Zito for the Sigh Young Award.  A 6-11 record with 5.35 ERA and 1.63 WHIP falls somewhat short of Zito’s 13 losses and 1.74 WHIP but there’s still 2 months to go….

Jeff Karstens - Nothing like a fresh start, eh?  On the Yanks, this guy is a poor man’s Darrell Rasner.  On the Pirates, he nearly throws a perfect game and is now scoreless in 15.  Rudy still stands by him for his Razzball team but might have to leave this shitpie on the window sill a bit longer for it to cool.

Elijah Dukes - Like many a Bowden Fluffer before, ‘Put Up Your’ Dukes has been put back down on the DL with a calf strain.  The lesson - don’t expect good health from a 5-tool player with a Jewish first name.  Elijah Dukes, Milton Bradley, Shawn Green….

It was just yesterday I wrote up my closer look for August and wouldn’t you know it, Wagner’s gone already. Sent to the DL. Official word puts Wagner with a forearm strain. Not a good sign at all. If the fluid in my knee is half full, I say at least he isn’t going to see Dr. Freeze. Yet. This was overheard at The Lemon Ice King of Corona (which is a stone’s throw from Shea and it’s delicious). “Heard Wagner’s down.” “Fawk ‘em, Jimmy. Fawk that fawkin’ fawk face fawker.” Supposedly Heilman’s next in line. It will be between him, “Not So Dirty” Sanchez, “Why Are You Happy” Feliciano, “Uter Tolberone’s Neighbor’s Name Is” Schoeneweis and their recently called up minor league closer, Eddie Kunz, whose nickname may end up “Just Don’t Suck As Much As The Next Guy.” If Wagner’s back by September, I’d be surprised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joba Chamberlain - Okay, like the Real World kids at the Improv Olympics, I’m going to, like, free associate. Harrison Ford was put on ice by Jabba the Hut. Then he went on to play Dr. Jones. Now Joba’s off to see Dr. Freeze. Scuba! And… scene!

Adam Jones - Fractured foot. Like Wyclef almost sang, he’ll be gone ’til September. Jones was hitting pretty well too, so this is a tough… wait for it… Here it comes… Eh, now it’s too built up. It’s not that good anyway. Forget it… Aw, I’m just playing. Tough… break! Oofa!

Jody Gerut - I know this is gonna make me sound like a stunod, but I just picked up Gerut in an NL-Only league. In his last seven, 2 HRs and over .300. And, no, you don’t want him in a ten team league. Only for deep-sea fishing.

Jose Vidro - Put out to pasture. If the Expos were still around, I’d put five dollars down that Vidro would be hired as the Expos Spanish Language Announcer for their radio games. Assuming the Expos had a radio deal and that the French-Canadians spoke Spanish.

Livan Hernandez - Rockies claimed him. All I ask is you look at the comments here. Not only am I psychic, but I can predict the future. (Speaking of these charlatans (Word of the Day), if they were psychic, wouldn’t they only go into work when there was going to be customers? Your empty red velour couch gives you away, faker!)

David Ortiz - He’s hearing a click in his wrist. Sell, Mortimer!

Jason Isringhausen - It was good to see Izzy come into a three run game. I mean, anyone should be able to get a save in that situat–Brain Freeze!

Eddie Guardado - Got the save after Wilson came into the game in the eighth and gave up four earned runs. Um… Wilson’s headed to the Disgraceful List. I mean, there’s nothing official, but he’s headed there. Cust kayin’.

Placido Polanco/Jason Kubel - 2 HRs apiece. There’s nothing else to say about either of these two schmohawks.

Fernando Rodney/Joel Zumaya - Leyland officially removes Rodney from the role of closer and inserts Zumaya. *wipes hand, lights cigarette, whistles* Then Rodney throws three innings of no-hit baseball while K’ing 5. Meanwhile, Zumaya gives up 4 runs, three unearned, to blow the save and take the loss. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Chris Carpenter - 5 IP, 2 Ks, 0 ER. Solid start, but Ks are low. He gets the Cubs next. That will be when we find out if his fantasy baseball owners have coconuts or marbles.

Shane Victorino - 11th homer yesterday. Rios still has 8.

Mike Hampton - 7 IP, 2 ER and his first win since God knows when. If you think this is a sign to pick him up, get your head examined.

Edinson Volquez - 5 IP, 5 ER. Take out the Liquid Paper cause we’re making corrections.

Alfonso Soriano - HR yesterday. I never have him on any team. Haven’t in a few years. I think I’m drafting Soriano next year. The more injury prone he is, the better. If you would’ve had… *pulls name from hat* Cody Ross while Soriano was down, your overall numbers would look pretty good right now.

Brandon Morrow - GM What’s His Face, “Okay, guys, we’ve made some seemingly intelligent decisions lately so that allows us the chance to slide a stupid move through. Any suggestions?” Yes Man, “Have the cable company charge extra money to watch Ichiro bat!” Yes Man 2, “Bring back Jose Guillen for Fan Appreciation Day.” Yes Man 3, “Curse at the elderly!” GM What’s His Face, “No, I need something just plain dopey.” In the back of the room, the Janitor pipes in, “Make the best reliever a starter.” “Well, it did work for the A’s…. And either way, we’ll still suck. Give that Janitor Sunday nights off!”