Fantasy Baseball Advice

Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 with his 10th home run.  I’ll take bets that he gets to 25 home runs, but not that he gets to .230.  Anyone want some action?  I’m not talking betting action.  Come here and sit on Uncle Grey’s lap.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 22nd home run.  See, my gentle prodding of his miserable June paid off for his owners.  Now I will return to my Bautista dormancy where I am an RA.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  He’s such a peg boy!

Shaun Marcum – Left the game after reaggravating his hip and his owners.  He says he’ll be fine for his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Travis Wood – Sent down to Triple-A.  All they have to do is send down Votto and Bruce and their AAA club will be the better team.

Joel Hanrahan – Got his 20th save yesterday, which is a feat because he pitches for the Pirates.  It usually takes until end of August before they have 20 saves as a team.  Hanrahanananananan’s ERA/WHIP is 1.31/0.96 and he has 30 Ks in 34 IP.   Sorry, Mr. Peralta, but you’re looking at the best reliever named Joel in the majors!

Kevin Correia – Got his 9th win of the year – making him the most successful Pirate this year outside of the Somali coast.

Neftali Feliz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 4th blown save.  Now has 19 Ks to 15 walks in 28 innings.  He’s not getting replaced any time soon, but something is up with him.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see another DL stint from him this summer.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hitting .359 on the year and he went 4-for-4 against his old team.  Who’s your Padre, San Diego!?

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  That’s exactly what Vegas projected for Richard.  Oh, wait, they projected 1 inning, 5 runs, 10 baserunners.

Albert Pujols – Love this ESPN title yesterday, “Pujols Feels Healthy Aside From Fracture.”  Yeah, and Willie McGee felt beautiful except for his face.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 7th home run– Psych!  I’m not talking about him because then I’ll gonna get inundated with catcher questions.  “No, thank you,” says Grey as he splashes on his Drakkar.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s something bonkers.  On Rudy’s AL-Only team, his staff is Hellickson, Hughes, Garcia, Coke, Britton, Fister and Baker.  Has a 3.58 ERA / 1.27 WHIP.  If you drafted that staff in the beginning of the year with high hopes, I’d say you were just high.  Goes to show you, no one knows anything, William Goldman.

Torii Hunter – Double I left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He has bruised ribs.  The wall has a strained oblique.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 1.73 ERA.  Last year Colby Lewis returned from Japan with great results.  This year it’s Vogelsong.  Konichiwa, Fausto Carmona!

Ty Wigginton – On Monday morning, I said Wigginton hit a home run on Sunday and now his over/under for the week is 3.  Yesterday, he hit two home runs.  Still taking the under?

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have no doubts of his ability if he stays healthy.  However, that ‘if’ is the size of the car that was used to take Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry to the set.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run yesterday.  That’s all you need to know.  He gets about as crazy hot as Wigginton when he’s going right.  Has 9 homers now.  Might have 16 before he goes cold again.  I added him in any daily leagues where I could (can’t trust him to play every day for weekly leagues).

Chris Heisey – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 home runs as he became the 207th player this year to hit 3 homers in a game.  Only a slight exaggeration.  Before this game, he was one for the last week.  I really like Heisey, but in Dusty Baker’s book titled, “OBP Stands For Oh B**** Please,” his 3rd chapter is, “Why Play Three Outfielders When Five Will Do?” says all you need to know about Hesiey.  So unless Dusty goes with a short center fielder it’s hard to own Heisey outside of deep daily leagues where you can move him in and out of the lineup.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco.  After the game, Gio said he’d love to pitch for the Mets one day or against them every day.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  But at least he wasn’t injured.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t need to see the Zapruder film of all of Kennedy starts to know that he’s not a 2.90 ERA pitcher.  He shouldn’t completely collapse, but c’mon.

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  One of the more disappointing guys we own.  In Dodgers Stadium, this guy should have a 3.20-ish ERA.  Then he gets 8 Ks and only walks one yesterday, which isn’t bad…Ugh, he’s pretty unstartable right now.  Lilly, you’ve gilded me for the last time!

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3 and he’s already at 20/20.  Now I see what Rihanna saw in him.  He’s damn sexy!

Jonathan Broxton – Mattingly said Broxton will be the loser when he returns.  Oops, Freudian slip!  Mattingly must be looking through the rear view mirror to see the Broxton of the 1st half of 2010.  I guess it’s true — objects in the rear view mirror are better Closers than they appear.

Well my friends, or enemies, it has come to be again:  Baseball… sorry… fantasy baseball! Is there anything more addictive than fantasy baseball? Twenty plus weeks of stats and trades, adds and drops. Preseason stuff is all well and good… but we want competition amongst our so-called friends.  Week one started early and for those in weekly leagues that can’t use any of this: I’m sorry.  For those who can, start off by asking yourself, “Will this help me?” and “Do I really need to add any of these players?” The answer to both of those questions is subjective: It all depends on league size, team need, and scoring setup.  So use the advice I give with fair warning and don’t just do it ‘cause I made a suggestion because this is only a guide of who pitches twice.  I can only show you the way, but you must walk it. I believe it was Q-Tip who said it best when he said, “If knowledge is the key than just show me the lock.” Well, I’m giving you directions to the lock store.  So, as I embark on my second decade of fantasy baseball (Damn, I’m getting old.  I remember doing this with a pen, a piece of paper and a newspaper.  They don’t even make those things anymore!), here are your week 1 two start starters for fantasy baseball. (Pitching match ups and games may change so keep that in mind.) Good luck!

Dallas Braden (@Tor-Reyes, @Min-Duensing) – Grandma’s ‘lil quilter. My inside voice is telling me he is going to get hurt this year.  My outside voice told me to shut up and get me a beer.  Very lucky last year.  Match up guy most of the year for me. Not too bad to start off the year though.

Erik Bedard (@Tex -Ogando, Cle- Masterson) – Healthy, well currently yes. May need to join Tod Lubitch to stay that way though.

Brian Duensing (@NYY-Garcia, Oak-Braden) – Vanilla is the best way to describe him. You add a good lineup, decent defense behind him, and a splash of dual eligibility and that’s baby making stuff.

Bud Norris (@Cin-Leake, Fla- Sanchez) – Ahh Bud, why do you hurt me? Your K numbers look like a down blouse shot of Brooklyn Decker, and your WHIP makes her look like Bea Arthur. Will be a drop and add guy most of the year.

Chris Young (@Phi-Hamels. Was-Lannan) – Can he be healthy for longer than an episode of Robot Chicken? Spring numbers look great, but so what? He is healthy now, so use him while he is, ‘cause you can’t when he isn’t, duh.

Aaron Harang (SF-Bumgarner, LAD-Redding) – Harangatang in the SD zoo… awesome!  2 starts at the Pet’, yes and thanks.

Jason Hammel (LA-Kershaw, @Pit-McDonald) – Could be sneaky this year. Pitched way better and without the luck. Check the numbers, I’ll wait.  How can you not like a guy with a name so close to a tchotchke?

Mike Leake (Hou-Norris, @Ari-Enright) – He got tired by June 1st last year. 2 great starts vs. what looks on paper to be bad teams.  Good start could lead to better things…

Jo-Jo Reyes (Oak-Braden, @Ana-Kazmir) – The least owned name on this week’s list. Play anyone vs. Kazmir, he is hot garbage. Run support, check.  Named after a clown, check.  That, right there, is like the fantasy daily double!

James McDonald (@STL-McClellan, Col-Hammel) – Can he be the first fantasy relevant starting pitcher in Pittsburgh since Ollie Perez in ’04? Possibly. This is an upstart team with a baseball savvy manager. Double digit wins and 170 k’s are not out of the question. Or that’s what I said right before I threw a penny into the fountain.

Jason Marquis (@Fla-Sanchez, @Nym-Capuano) – Doing “Hawk and Animal” proud this week. Missed half of last year due to injury… Yeah, no one noticed. Pitched OK to end last year, don’t expect much on the year but 2 decent match-ups help for the first week of streaming season.

Brandon Morrow has changed his mind once again, deciding that his decision in the offseason to be a starter after relieving last year was a better idea than his decision in April to return to closing.  It’s already June and it’ll take him at least a month or so to stretch out his arm.  Could he put together a great 10 game stretch to finish the year?  Potentially, but maybe he’ll decide he wants to play shortstop instead.  We’re so tired of him changing his mind that we’re going to pretend like we’re monologue writers for The Tonight Show rather than debate his merits…. You know what Brandon Morrow likes for breakfast?  Waffles.  Why does Brandon Morrow like to play in public fountains?  They let him be both wishy and washy.  Why does Brandon Morrow love the words Aloha and Shalom?  Because he could use them to both start and close a conversation.   Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – Out until the All-Star Break with a torn tendon.  This news took a dump on my prediction that Quentin would come back strong in another week.  Story of my life.   I try to be optimistic and God farts in my general direction.  In fairness to me, everyone was claiming it was plantar something-or-itis and special shoes like young Forrest Gump wore would help him.  That wasn’t the case so I was dealing with inaccurate information.  A team lying to the media?  What else is new?

Jo-Jo Reyes – Hurt his hamstring covering first base.  Jose Reyes has a torn hamstring.  Anthony Reyes is out for the season with elbow surgery.  Watch out, Dennis Reyes!

Denard Span – Out for tests as he suffers from dizziness.  Votto, cover your mouth! Span might head to the Dizzabled List with Votto.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan says, “I hate you, Harry.  I really hate you.”  Then they kiss.  That’s what a 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks is.  It’s the kind of start that gives you hope for a better tomorrow, but you kinda know that he was facing the A’s and tomorrow’s start isn’t going to be so great.

Jorge Cantu – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, Cantu out of the game with a dizzy spell.  Maybe the pregame drill of spinning in circles with your head on top of the bat isn’t such a good idea.

Jose Lopez – 3 homers in the last three days.  Okay, so it seems like it took until June for him to start producing.  I’d lose your unproductive MI, if J. Lo’s out there.

Carl Pavano – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  He sucked you in!  Yes, he did!  Well, he kinda sucked me in too.  I mean, I would never pick him up, but I kinda thought there was a corner turned.

Gil Meche – 7 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  Now has given up 3 runs in the last 20 innings.  I could’ve sworn I told everyone to get him about two or three weeks ago…. Let’s see…. Oh, here it is.

John Smoltz – Will make a start on Thursday for the Triple-A PawSawx, then could be ready as soon as next Tuesday vs. the Marlins.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again!

Geovany Soto – HR yesterday.  I would sell him immediately if anyone’s buying.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Solid bounce back game after a couple of wonky ones.

Chien-Ming Wang – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  If you can’t let go of Wang at this point, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jake Fox – After scorching AAA and fields of Iowa’s prized corn to the tune of .423/17 HR/50 RBIs, Jake Fox got sent back down in favor of Aaron Miles after a measly 12 ABs.  Why?  Because, supposedly, he can’t field.  Or in his words  “I’m short, fat and fighting against a little athleticism issues“.  If I lived in Chicago, I’d print shirts that said “Crazy Short, Fat, and Unathletic….Like a Fox!”  I’d also print “Milton Bradley – Unsafe for Ages 2+” (He’s fine with babies) and “I’ll Fight You Zambrano y Mano”.

Andrew McCutchen – He goes 0-for-5 the day we finally settle on a nickname –  The Dread Pirate.

Juan Pierre - Will be relegated to fourth outfielder status with the return of Manny in July.  Okay, who’s going to register FreeJuanPierre.com?

Clayton Kershaw – Managed to get through ony 2 2/3 innings at home against the Padres.  He was fortunate enough to only have 3 of the 9 baserunners score.  We predict that he has 3 more mixed years, then has 5 amazing years, retires with a sore elbow, and is idolized by a whole generation of Jewish boys.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  I mentioned this two days ago and will probably mention it again in the Buy/Sell tomorrow, but Kouz is picking up baserunners as Gonzalez gets pitched around.

John Lackey – 5 IP, 8 ER.  At Tampa is a tough matchup (especially with The Zo).  I wouldn’t chuck him into a deal just to get rid of him after this start.  He gets the Giants next.  Now if he makes them look good, there might be a problem.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 11 hits, 1 K at Metco.  Just when you think he’s back to being a diamond, he gives you a lump of Cole.

Albert Pujols – The Cardinals put up 13 runs today and Pujols is 1-for-4 with 1 Run and no RBIs.  Now THAT’S a Ticker Tease.

Colby Rasmus - Kid Cardinal is now 14-for-31 in June with 5 doubles and 2 HRs.  If he’s swimming in your free agent pool, pick him up.  If that sounded homoerotic, wait to see how we genuflect when he starts stealing bases like the rest of the Cards (Pujols has 8 already?!)

Andrew Bailey – Brought in to a tie game in the top of the 9th and Kazaam!  1 IP and 3 ERs.  Way to lasso the moon, Bailey!  He’s not in danger of losing the closing job but don’t be afraid to move him as he’ll be hard-pressed to maintain his current 1996 Mariano Rivera-like 100 IP / 125 K pace.

Jay Bruce – HR yesterday.  I think he checks to see how many owners in Yahoo have him out their lineup.  When it’s under 40%, he hits a homer.  Just a theory.

Aaron Harang – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Dusty wanted him to win this game so bad, he used his closer on both sides of an hour and a half rain delay.  When pressed after the game, Dusty explained, “Of course I didn’t want to put Cordero back in but the rules prohibited me from putting Harang back in.” Someone needs to write the book, “Dummyball.”

The Contestants and Producers of MTV’s ‘Real World/Road Rules The Duel 2′ - Bravo on a fantastic season.  If we could figure out a fantasy league around your competition, we would.

Here’s what I said last year about Mat Gamel and his comparison to Ryan Braun, “Ryan Braun, The Hebrew Hammer, hits for average, power and butchered plays at 3rd base.  Well, Gamel can slug with the best of them and plays 3rd like Jenny McCarthy in a celebrity softball game.  Not to mention, his name is almost Gimel, which is the third letter of the Hebrew alphabet.  The similarities are endless!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Wanna really blow your mind?  I wrote a Mat Gamel fantasy baseball outlook post back in December of last year.  Prescient ain’t just a word I can’t spell without Dictionary.com, it’s a state of mind!  So what can we expect of him, he’s better than Nolan Reimold.  Right now.  He can hit.  I could even see grabbing him in ten team leagues.  He could be The Difference Maker (which would be a great name for a professional wrestler).  The only thing holding Gamel back is he fields like he has two left feet — on the end of his arms.  If the Brewers dare to play him every day over their blahtoon of Hall and Counsell, you should play him too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Ludwick – To the DL.  “Hello, Rasmus.”  “Hey, Duncan, you wanna play every day?” “Sure.”

Gerardo Parra – This one doesn’t walk people, he runs.  He replaced Krispie last night and might spell Byrnes on some occasions.  He’s a solid pickup for the speed deprived.  Parra’s upside is what Maybin should’ve done — 5 homers, 25 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he should be grabbed in all NL-Only leagues and mixed leagues deeper than 12 teams.

Nolan Reimold – Getting the call. Ceiling is 20 homers and a .280 average.  Let’s see, for right now:  Gamel, Reimold, Coghlan, Parra, LaPorta, in that order.  And all are better than Hochevar.

Bryan Augenstein – 6 IP, 5 ER, 3 K.  Augenstein reminds me a bit of Slowey because of how few walks he issues.  Just remember how Hochevar stole your innocence.

Carl Crawford – Left with a bruised shoulder.  Should be okay. Get well soon, Carl!

Adam Jones – Left the game with a hamstring strain.  Might be headed to the DL.  Somebody totally harshed his buzz.

Jimmy Rollins – In Premiere’s “Spotted” section, it said that someone saw Rollins do something productive yesterday.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-3 yesterday.  Do this for another month and we’ll be even.

Ryan Zimmerman – Here comes the 0-for-30 game streak.  Kidding.  He’s going to be a top five 3rd baseman this year.  Recognize!

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks and the Win.  I’m done fighting it.  Doode turned a corner somewhere.  I’m not trading for him, but I can understand it.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  More in line with what I expect from him, but still a few more strikeouts.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Tommy Hanson begins to pack his Hypercolor t-shirts and Zubaz pants.

Scott Richmond – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Told ya he wasn’t long for your team.  I wouldn’t start him again in any league.  As they say on shuffleboard courts, he’s kaput.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 2nd homer of the year yesterday.  Shot in the dark here, but Wigginton gets real hot for a couple of weeks at a time.  This might be one of those times.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 3 ER.  He’ll be about a 3.25 ERA pitcher this year.  That’s very good.

Joel Pineiro – 6 IP, 5 ER.  See what I said about Richmond then multiply it by three.

Matt Palmer – Complete game, 4 ER to move to 4-0 on the year.  Before you get crazy with yourself, he’s a thirty-year-old rookie and he’s not Dennis Quaid.

Kip Wells – 2nd save and only one run allowed.  Kip walking into the clubhouse, “What can’t Kip Wells do?!  What!?”  Heckler, “Pitch effectively for any extended period of time.”  Kip lowers his head and sighs.

Ross Ohlendorf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Talk to the Dorf!

Juan Pierre - I love guys who steal bases up six runs.  You go, Juan!  Get you some, gluttony!

Shairon Martis – 7 IP, 1 ER and his fifth win (the Nats only have 11!)  With a first name like an Israeli prime minister or an Osbourne, you want to write off Shairon Martis, but he’s not pitching above his head right now outside from Wins.  I’d grab him in mixed leagues as a 5th starter.

Ryan Theriot – 2 HRs to bring his total of what the effs to 5.  Guess hiring Jose Canseco as his new strength and conditioning coach wasn’t such a bad idea.

Geovany Soto – Finally.

Chris Young – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Trouble with fly ball pitchers if the wind’s blowing out.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2 HRs and one call to his agent, “Can you get me out of Petco?”

Rickie Weeks – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is hitting .286.    At some point, he’ll chuck in 15 to 20 steals too.  This could be the year where owners finally see what he can do when he stays healthy.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  At this point, he’s probably ending up on waivers in some leagues, but if he’s still owned, I’d fleece his owners as they struggle to sit down.

Chris Coghlan – Member that month long leash Maybin had to hang himself?  Yeah, Coghlan’s now getting it. Hopefully, he can make a Windsor knot from the noose and call it a tie.

Dontrelle Willis – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  There’s nothing that a big Miguel Olivo hug can’t fix.

Brandon Lyon – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  You think when Leyland sent him out there for the 3rd inning he just wanted the game to be over so he could go have a smoke?

Garrett Atkins – 0-for-4, batting .195 on the year.  Clint Barmes is out slugging him .415 to .319.   In case anyone’s confused, Barmes is not having a good season.

Troy Percival – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Wasn’t a save situation, but it was still a pounding.  I picked up Wheeler in a league, just in case.

Josh Hamilton – Two games from the DL.  Two homers.  As his street value rises.

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday.  I’ve owned him in one league all year.  17/7/31/.271 — Not bad, right?  Yeah, those are Prince Fielder’s numbers.  Branyan’s 20/8/16/.286/1 — And I didn’t draft Branyan in the 2nd round.  Cust kayin’.

Hmm… Let’s see, where does the news that Josh Hamilton is headed to the DL go on the Hype Cycle?  Oh, wait!  I know!  “Falls Back to Earth, Hits the DL.” Call me, Greyvoyant!  Hamilton may be headed to the DL this Thursday if he’s still in pain.  This is obviously bad news for Hamilton owners.  As we learned from Dylan McKay’s battle with drugs on 90210, addicts can’t take pain killers.  So Hamilton is in “extreme pain” and needs to let it subside on its own.  I don’t think he’ll be out much longer than two weeks, but I’m no doctor (I am psychic though).  If Hamilton’s rib becomes a nagging type injury that bothers him for a few months, this could turn into a Def-Con 4 situation and his owners may have to jump into an Andromeda Strain decontamination shower.  For those out there with alligator blood, this may be your only opportunity to Buy Low on Hamilton.  Just remember his owners were crying in their soup last night, don’t blow on it for them.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Encarnacion – Looks like his chip on his shoulder has moved to his wrist as he heads to the DL.  I liked Edwin going into the year, and was bummed to see him do nada, nada, not a damn thing this season.  At least the wrist injury explains what was going on with him.

Adam Rosales – NL-Only owners could take a flier on the Reds call-up, Rosales.  There’s no indication Baker will play him at all.  If he does, he has some pop.  He was batting .431 with 4 HRs through 17 games at Triple-A.  Not really mixed league material yet, unless your league is very deep.

Joel Hanrahan – Removed from the closer role.  Actually, he kinda removed himself.  As I said yesterday, Julian Taveras seems like the best option to me.  Kip Wells is said to be in the mix.  That mix is in the toilet bowl.  Joe Beimel is rumored to get a shot when he comes off the DL.  Might be, but if Taveras can hold the job, then Beimel will never see the chance.  Hmm… Now that I write that I must say it’s anyone’s job.  I would not carry more than one Nats reliever.  If you have an open DL spot, no harm no foul with Beimel.  I took a chance on Taveras in all of my leagues.  If it’s not him, I’m not losing sleep over it.  Just watch what you say about Taveras, he will karate kick you in the sternum.

Scott Richmond – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Not sure how long Richmond’s mastery continues because his stuff isn’t really that great, but I’ll admit it.  I started him last night in a mixed league.  Hey, lightning, you wanna get in a bottle for me?

Hideki Matsui – How many pop-ups can a lefty hit to the 2nd baseman?

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 0 ER. Hey, whaddya know?  He’s still looking good almost a month later.  I went over why I liked Edwin Jackson during the first week of the season.  If you weren’t here, go back and read it again.  If you were here, continue on, I start to pick up speed soon.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks.  I told everyone to start him because we were going at this like ripping off a Band-Aid.  This was either gonna be the last time he was on anyone’s team, or he was going to be great.  Glad he climbed the latter.  His hook was complementing the speedball very nicely.  Like a well-trained gimp, his leash got longer.

Jose Valverde – To the DL.  Told you yesterday it seemed to be headed this way.  LaTroy Hawkins gets a few weeks to shake his Cuddle Boy label.

Cole Hamels – Left the game after 4 1/3 scoreless innings with an ankle injury.  Can’t a brother get a Win?  Hamels really seems cursed this year.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I don’t mind Jo-Jo in deep mixed and NL-Only leagues.  Though in most leagues, he’s No-No.

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Has an ERA of 1.97 on the season.  You don’t want to be there when it starts to climb up to 4.

Dave Bush - 5 IP, 4 ER. Almost threw a no-hitter last time out.  So it’s a no-brainer to start him against the Pirates, who batted Brandon Moss as their number three hitter, right?  Moss of a .220 average.  Nope, Bush took a no-brainer and made you look stupid.  (BTW, I always need spellcheck for “brain” and “genius.”  I’m a moron.)

Jorge Cantu – Took deep Livan and Sean Green (not the Jewish one) in yesterday’s game.  Cantu’s now batting .357 on the season with 5 homers.  Mmm… Me love some cheap power.

Chase Utley – Chase ordered up two homers yesterday and three strippers.

Nick Swisher – HR yesterday.  Swisher has 5 HRs and is batting .300.  At some point the bottom will fall out of the average, but he’s good for 30 home runs.  You can put it on the boardddddd…  Oh, wait, he’s no longer on the White Sox.

John Danks – 4 IP, 5 ER.  Sure, Mike Sweeney’s batting third and A-drain Beltre is at cleanup with a .169 average.  Of course, you get hit hard in this game!  Makes perfect sense!  Danks!

Mike Fontenot – HRs in back-to-back games as he played 3rd for Aramis.  He’s still batting .238 and he seems destined to be a three to four games a week guy.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks.  I almost predicted him for AL Cy Young.  That’s how much I believe.  If he can stay healthy and get some Win Karma, he could do it.  Next start, F-Her ‘n the A’s. (<–provocative!)

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3.  I give Figgins a hard time and he’s still batting .246, but he stole two bases last night to give him 9 on the season.  That’s a healthy pace.  Then again, Fowler has 9 steals and he’s batting .310.  Cust kayin’.

Mark Ellis – Calf injury, headed to the DL.

Nomar Garciaparra – Sympathy pains, to the DL.

Ian Stewart – Lookie here, Miss Moneypenny, Ee-yon Shtew-art just played his 6th game at 2nd base and, with the Polish kid benched, 2nd base eligibility could happen verrrrry quickly.

Chad Gaudin – 5 IP, 0 ER.  I’m picking him up in all kinds of deep leagues.  Hey, he’s in Petco?  Why not?

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1ER, 1.69 ERA on the season.  Begged people to draft him this season, but, let’s be fo’ realz, even I didn’t think he’d start out the year this well.  He’s not necessarily a sell because I don’t think people are buying, but he’s not going to finish the year under a 3 ERA, so he will take some lumps at some point.  Hopefully, they’re not for a while.  I’m still on the Wandwagon, just tempering expectations.  (BTW, wouldn’t Tempura Expectations be a great Japanese restaurant name?  What?  You like yakitori?)

Brad Penny – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  And Penny’s usually a pre-All-Star Break pitcher.  Hmm… Looks like someone’s missing Alyssa Milano’s nooners.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday off the bench.  As Zobrist goes, so go the mohels.

Matt LaPorta – Ripping up Triple-A and could replace Ben Francisco, then Francisco goes and hits a HR yesterday.  LaPorta will be up soon, but soon’s relative.  Ask Stephen Hawking.

Francisco Liriano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  He bounced back from that last mugging like Bernie Goetz.