Fantasy Baseball Advice

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”

Mike Stanton snapped out of a 5 for 58 slump with 2 HRs and 4 RBIs in a doubleheader against the Phillies. Was retired lefty reliever Mike Stanton hitting for him? I realize they look a little different (the hitter is 22 years younger, 15 pounds heavier, 4 inches taller, a tad darker) but even a young K-prone hitter should avoid that bad of slumps, right? Well, obviously not. Stanton’s 35% K rate translates to a .235 AVG with an average (.300) BABIP. He’s still a valuable asset because of the power – but you’ll have to either compensate with a high batting AVG guy or absorb the AVG hit.

Danny Espinosa - The rookie 2B looked like the 2.0 version of 2009 Desmond by going 4 for 5 with 2 HR and 6 RBI against the Mets. Where’d this come from? Espinosa was a 3rd round pick out of Long Beach State – the baseball factory that brought you Troy Tulowitzki and Evan Longoria. Espinosa has shown 20/20 potential in AA and AAA over the past 2 years but his AVG has been in the .260 range. So it’s possible he maintains this streak for the rest of the month as an extended audition for a 2011 starting spot. Take a chance if you’ve got dead wood in your MI spot.

Jeff Niemann – The good news is he gave you less earned runs than his past two starts. The bad news is that he still got whomped – 6 ER in less than 2 innings after giving up 17 ER in 8.1 IP in his previous two starts. If he’s still on your team, I’d drop him like he bombed.

Jon Lester – Won with 10Ks over 6 IP – his 3rd straight game with a win and 10 Ks. Last Red Sox player to do that? How would I know – I don’t work for ELIAS. (I’d guess Pedro). I’d say it’s Sabathia’s Cy Young to lose but I think Lester will edge out Buchholz and F-Her if he stumbles. Unless Keith Law is the only voter – then I’d say Felix Hernandez.

Brian Matusz – Won his 4th straight game – this time at Yankee Stadium. This three starts were home against Boston and Texas and at the White Sox. All four were 6 IP and none more than 3 ER. So if you need a pitcher to stream, he’s your guy.

Don Kelly – The man two L’s away from donkey status had a HR/3 RBI game. He’s platooning with Ryan Raburn (Kelly gets righty pitchers) and he’s not that great. I’d stream him for a day if your OF isn’t playing – that’s about it.

Neil Walker – Another HR – making that 5 HRs in his past 9 games. Now hitting .312, this guy has been looking like the second coming of Freddy Sanchez. But Pirates are like people you meet at the Jersey Shore – don’t fall in love with them. His minor league stats and his .370+ BABIP suggest he’s hitting out of his mind right now. Enjoy the ride but drop him in shallower leagues should he struggle for the next hot-hitting MI.

Jim Thome - 2 HRs on Saturday. Took Sunday off. Hit another HR on Monday. The guy is hitting a HR now every 11AB or so. Trying to figure when this guy is going to play is infuriating – Kubel and Mauer DH as well – but he’s a must add now for daily leagues where you can swap him out if he’s sitting.

Jose Reyes – The Mets have been in complete minayal over Reyes’ oblique injury. They’ve been having hit batting practice and claim he might play but he’s been out for 7 days and will probably miss most of next week too. As someone who drafted Reyes hoping for a discount on his typical 60 SB with respectable AVG/R/HR/RBI, the only solace is that at least he hasn’t been completely useless like D’Ellsbury.

Ivan Rodriguez – Had 1 HR and 7 RBIs over the past two days. Congrats to the 3 people who own him in a league.

Carlos Marmol - It was clearly Piniella’s fault that the Cubs were underperforming because it feels like they’ve been streaking ever since. Marmol now has 4 saves in 6 days in September. Even better, he’s still K-ing guys and now has a ridiculous 118 Ks in 66.1 IP. Most relievers couldn’t get that many K’s if they faced a lineup of Ryan Howard, Adam Dunn, and Mark Reynolds.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Will miss a few games with back spasms. I think they’re sympathy spasms for Eric Chavez.

Chase Utley went 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  My favorite advice by fantasy ‘perts is when they tell you to get a returning superstar into your lineup.  Do people often leave their 1st round picks on the DL when they’re playing?  Is this something I need to tell people?  While you’re at it, get Pujols in your lineups too.  Oh, and put on some pants before you get arrested.  Another returning middle infielder with an oh-fer yesterday was Dustin Pedroia.  Scrappy Doo fought hard to come back early, so he might not be at his usual 110%, but at, say, 80% he’s Dustin Pedro and that’s enough for me.  The last man to recover from the 2010 Middle Infieluenza Epidemic was Martin Prado, who actually had some hits with a 3-for-5, 2 RBIs night.  [dur] Get them all in your lineup. [/dur]  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – Has a fractured rib.  Sounds like he’s donezo.  Just think, all the frustration you put up with this year owning him was your sacrifice for everyone who gets him cheaper next year.  Good karma to you.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  With the D’Ellsbury situation, Kalish will play every day and he’s hitting .300 with 2 homers in 15 games.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with a steal even with Prado returning.  As predicted here (after I talked to my psychic), Infante is continuing to play (and hit).

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His changeup is nasty.  Don’t make me break up the word to emphasize it.  All right, fine!  His changeup is… Nas.  Tee.  He made Zimmerman look silly on a few pitches.  He won’t be in the rotation forever, but I’d own him while he’s there.  Get all over him in keepers.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is out for the season with what they’re calling a bum knee.  Was he sleeping in a cardboard box?

Mike Leake – Heading to the bullpen to limit his innings this year.  But can’t Dusty now throw him every day?  Hmm…

Luke French – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Don’t even think about picking him up.  This was as good as it baguettes with French.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Not much to see here other than the best last name that you can’t pronounce.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in four games after going 3-for-3 yesterday.  I’m a bit worried about even mentioning him because I know if you still own him, he’s probably on your bench.  If he’s in your lineup, you probably aren’t reading this.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  I’ll be honest; I didn’t even think he’d be batting .300 as late as May 15th and he’s still at .302.  But, potatoes to chips, he’s also putting up 2nd baseman-ish numbers.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Okay, so maybe he was still a little spent from his last game.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-4 with 2 steals.  Now has 18 steals in 46 games.  Member when Billy Beane was against steals?  Or maybe that was Brad Pitt.

Hisanori Takahashi – Jerry Manuel said Takahashi will be his closer.  He said that yesterday.  Obviously it could change tomorrow.  For now, Au Bon Japan!

Kila Ka’aihue – Had his 2nd 2-for-4 game in a row yesterday.  Not worth grabbing outside of deep leagues yet, but I’m watching him.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal in the last four games (though 3 of them came in one game).  The Royals are playing him and he might be trying to prove his worth on the basepaths.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  It’s feast or famine for a lot of these peasant Royals.

Pat Burrell – Hit his 11th homer after the Philly fans gave him a standing ovation.  I’d say it was a classy move, but I think it was “If You Slept With Pat The Bat You Get In For Free Night.”

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with his first homer as a Giant.  Poor Andres Torres has to play the entire outfield.

Angel Pagan – Was benched yesterday for Fernando Martinez because of Pagan’s extended slump.  In non-keeper leagues, it might be time to thank Pagan for his services and start looking elsewhere.

Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Is it already that time of the year where he gets everyone’s hopes up for next year?  Prepare yourself for this March commenter, “Grey, check it, brah.  Nolasco’s sick.  March commenter out!”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, now hitting .400 in the last 7 games.  This is just my weekly check-in to say Morrison’s hitting for everything but power and the power will come.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with 2 steals.  The Rockies announced that Young will be playing every day and hitting leadoff.  That’s an immediate add across the board where you need steals from a middle infielder, which I imagine is just about everyone.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looked rusty then he got nailed.  I’d give Chacin another chance or at least hold him for another start on your bench.  Or you can just grab…

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (zero walks), 10 Ks.  Now has a 2.12 ERA in four starts since joining the Diamondbacks and 41 Ks in 45 1/3 innings.  In his upcoming starts, he’ll get the Rockies in Arizona, Giants, Astros and Giants again.  Looks good to me.

Will Venable – Member last week when I mentioned Venable in the SAGNOF post about cheap guys who can give steals?  No?  I don’t really either.  Neverthehoo!  Venable has 3 steals in his last two games and 5 in the last ten games.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wells’ last four starts have gone like this… Quality start, 6 earned runs in 5 innings, quality start, 6 earned runs in 4 innings.  So that leads to… Ooh, Wells pitched great, I’m going to grab him.  Then you put him in for the 6 earned run game.  Dah!!!  So you bench him for his next quality start.  Then you think he’s fine and you put him back in there for the next shellacking.  Wells hates you.  Don’t shoot the messenger.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Another extravaGarza!  He’s been a rich man’s Wells for the last month as he alternates good and bad starts, as well.

Wilton Lopez – Astros’ General Mills said before yesterday’s game that Brandon Lyon would be the closer moving forward.  Naturally, Wilton Lopez gets the save.  Lopez hasn’t been bad this year and might get some saves here and there.  Brandon Lyon would still be my pickup if I were vulturing for saves.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I feel like I haven’t talked much about Pence this year, but he’s been a solid #3 fantasy outfielder.  18 homers, 15 steals while batting .287.  I’ve seen shabbier.  Oh, and he’s hitting .455 over the last week.

Jim Thome – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer in the last week.  He could retire, return at 50 years old and still hit 20 homers.  If he didn’t have to walk back and forth to the plate, he’d probably hit 25 homers.  All that walking is for young folk.

Colby Rasmus – Out with a calf strain, won’t be back until Friday.  La Russa must be terribly upset about that strained calf.  Hopefully PETA talks him down.

Yesterday, the Oakland A’s hit Kevin Slowey about as well as Elmer Fudd can pronounce his name.  After missing last week’s start with a sore elbow, it was a great sign that he took a no-hitter into the 8th inning, only to be lifted for precautionary reasons.  After the game, Precautionary Reasons said, “Don’t blame me, blame Gardenhire.”  Well, whoever you believe, Slowey still had his best start of the season, which came only one start removed from his 2nd best start of the season, which came after a quality start.  I guess what I’m confusingly trying to say is he’s been good over the last month aside from his last start vs. the Rays.  Hasn’t been all peaches and cream this year for Slowey.  I loved him coming into the year and I would’ve loved to strangle him at certain points this year.   Assuming his ‘bow is shooting straight, I’d grab him off waivers for his next start vs. the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to quickly announce the RCL Standings and the Fantasy Razzball standings have been updated.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jim Thome – 1-for-4 with his third homer in his last 5 games.  Doesn’t have Infantian positional eligibility and he looks old enough to have grandkids, but he’s currently hitting.

Rich Harden – Hit the DL again.  Bad year for Erich Bedarden.  Actually, every year is.

Nelson Cruz – Will be reevaluated on Monday for his recurring hamstring injury.  If only the Rangers can figure out some way for their hitters to play in a giant inflatable bubble.

Derek Holland – Will start on Wednesday vs. the Rays.  I’d wait to see how he pitches before adding him, but I do have a small crush on Holland.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (only one hit), 3 Ks.  As frequent commenter, royce!, pointed out, Masterson figured out how to counteract his terrible splits vs. lefties.  Walk them and just face righties.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a homer and is now batting .333 over the last week as he takes time away from the touring company of Riverdance.

Travis Hafner – 1-for-4 with a grand slam in his first game back from the DL.  Or, more appropriately, one of the few games between his last DL stint and his next one.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Yup.

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks but gave up 6 unearned runs causing me to have some serious ticker shock.

Derrek Lee – 2 homers then left with a stiff back, which sounds like something Don Draper would order.

Ian Stewart – 2-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Has now hit in 9 of his last 10 games as he hits .269 on the year with 5 steals.  Don’t be surprised when I like Mini-Mini Donkey again next year.  Have to at least justify my “MMD for life” tattoo.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 as he was recalled.  He may be sent right back down or he might not be anything but a reserve utility man even if he stays up.  In deep leagues, I grabbed him where I needed speed, but I was dropping schmohawks.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him.  Not yet.

Adam Lind – 2-for-2 with his 17th homer.  Don’t look now (okay, you can look now), but Lind’s hitting .366 in August with 3 homers.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Let’s talk real baseball for a second.  The Blue Kays signed Romero to a $30.1 million deal through 2015.  (Though we’ll all be using the euro by then, but that’s just a hunch of mine.)  I like this move for the Kays.  Romero’s a mid-3 ERA, just under 8 K/9 pitcher.  I.e., a solid number two.  In a few years, $30 million will look like a bargain.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 19th homer as he snuck on the field wearing Mathis’ uniform.

Tim Lincecum – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I wonder if the Giants are second-guessing his past seasons’ pitch counts.

Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has been downright brilliant in each of his major league starts, sporting a 1.35 ERA, 0.60 WHIP and 18 Ks to 3 walks.  He’s also the number one fantasy prospect, according to Stephen.  Unfortunately, the Rays are conservative with their prospects and Hellickson had quite a few innings in the minors this year.  Unfortunately II:  The Search for More Bad News; as soon as Davis or Niemann can return, Hellickson will be bumped from the rotation.  Unfortunately III:  The Bride of Unfortunately; Davis or Niemann will probably return next week.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 but didn’t hit a homer in Sunday’s game for the first time in, like, a year.  He’s now batting fifth, hitting .275 with 14 homers.  And, according to my Stuff On My Cat desk calender, we’re not in September yet.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Is it me or does it feel like he has a triumphant return to the majors every other month?  Seems to go like this for Bailey.  First start in the majors and he blows away the opposition.  Starts four more times and gets rocked or injured.  Then he’s DL’d or demoted.  A month later, he returns triumphantly.  Rinse and repeat.

Jose Valverde – Has been out with an abdominal strain, but says he should be fine moving forward.  If he’s lying, Ryan Perry could be the handcuff, but he’s been struggling.  Phil Coke could see some hot closing action too.  Or Valverde just returns.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-5 with his 6th homer and…. Wait for it… Here it comes… Hmm… I’ve seemed to misplace it… Let me check my pockets… Nope…. Maybe I left it in my car?…  Oh, here it is in my wallet… This was Raburn’s 3rd homer in his last 4 games.  Tuh-dow!

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer and 95th RBI while batting .341, which is still twenty points off of Josh Hamilton.  They should have major league scouts at Celebrity Rehab.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  To think what he could’ve done with a coke addiction.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-4 and his 29th homer.  The only consolation for missing out on Konerko this year is the guy that drafted him uses a cheat sheet from 2004 and also drafted Manny, Hafner, Carlos Lee, Berkman and Clemens.

Vicente Padilla – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Note to Padilla, when you’re selling your soul to the devil, ask him for an entire solid season, not just a good month or two.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 12 and is batting .340 on the year.  That’s the last time I’m ever mentioning him.  You’ve been served (with info)!

Bryan Bullington -8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The first round draft pick threw eight shutout innings vs. the Yankees as he got his first win!  The genital wart on that achievement is that he was drafted 8 years ago and is 30 years old.  I’d let someone else be Bullington’s huckleberry.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-3 with his 2nd steal in two days while hitting 2nd and .333 over the last week.  Inch by inch, step by step, he’s putting together a decent year.

Jacoby Ellsbury – D’Ellsburied once again as he continues to rack up the Game-Missing RIBs.  Back in May, I said, “I know this might be a bitter pill(sbury) to swallow, but I don’t think it’s going to be a great season for Ellsbury.”  And that’s me rubbing salt in your wounds again!  It’s not official yet, but it sounds like he won’t return this year.  On the bright side, he’ll be a bargain in next year’s draft.

Dustin Pedroia – Proving he’s a 100%, Grade-A Sparky Anklebiter, Pedroia said he’s coming back on Tuesday because there’s no time for him to get fully healthy, there’s games to be won.  Can we get Sean Astin on a diet so he can play Dustin Pedroia in The Tail That Wagged The Sox?