Fantasy Baseball Advice

You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York?  An A-Rod post-game party.  It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game.   Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs.  A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings.  Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year.  Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year.  Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins.  What an event!  Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey.  Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians.  How appropriate.  To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table.  Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad.  Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists.  You’re not making the playoffs anymore.  Thome’s not changing that.  As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else.  Um, okay.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year.  To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole.  I will forever refrain-cisco.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals.  He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.

Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him.  Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after a 4 IP, 5 ER start against the Braves.  The potential for Ks is there, so is the potential to get roofied.

Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good.  Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped.  My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP.  I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average.  If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty.  But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.

Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7.  The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams.  He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore.  The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.

Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes.  That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.

Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start.  Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.

Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired.  BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep.  Weird!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games.  Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Has 27 Ks in 21 games.  I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten.  Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP.  Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.

Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball.  Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.

Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.”  Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks.  A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted.  It’s not like we can look at his stats this year and say Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was stifling him either.  Delmon Young had 3 homers in away games this year in 157 ABs.  That’s pathetic.  That’s the same number of away homers as Carlos Ruiz.  That’s the same number of homers Pence hit in the last ten games.  Sure, Young had a good 2010, but that was preceded by three miserable years.  Yet, he a fresh start, and he seems like the type that will be happy in new surroundings, until the novelty wears off.  (See, he needs to find happiness within, but we’ll leave that to Deepak Chopra.)  To show his happiness, he hit a homer yesterday, creaming the ball in his first at-bat after getting squeezed out of Twinkie town.  To boil this down into something that could fit on a fortune cookie, I’d pick up Delmon to see if his newfound happiness can last a month-plus.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brennan Boesch – I was gonna tell ya’ll that Boesch’s playing time wouldn’t be hurt by the acquisition of Delmon, but then Boesch went and hurt his thumb and will miss a few games.  I think when he returns he’ll be back in the lineup with Magglio Ordonez moving to a backup role.  Though Leyland is so old school that he doesn’t even change his lineup — “Hey, Boesch is usually our three hitter and he’s out, so let’s put Delmon right in there” — so I wouldn’t count on Cancer Man sitting the vet.  In other words, it’s all up in the air with a capital Clooney.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-5 with his 11th home run.  With Guillen doing what Guillen does best (toasting Pop Tarts while injured — I’m guessing this is what most ballplayers do while injured, don’t know for sure), Raburn should see most of the starts at 2nd base.  If he rattled off one good month, it would surprise me less than his five bad months.

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER after giving himself the green light to pitch.  Sorta like the exec who gave Ishtar the green light.  Hey, old timey reference, good to see you!  Romo’s out for real with an elbow something-or-other, so if you’re desperate for vulture saves I’d grab Ram-Ram or Affeldt.  Those aren’t ringing endorsements.

Pablo Sandoval – Left the game after a foul off his foot.  His teammates said this wasn’t the first time someone had to leave somewhere because of a foul coming off Pablo’s foot.

Nate Schierholtz -  The man whose last name is German for pantyhose has gone deep in back-to-back games.  When he gets hot (for about a week or so), he gets hot.

Jim Thome – Hit his 600th home run yesterday.  Someone who hasn’t followed baseball since 1995 is really impressed.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win as if he’s gotten so many other types of wins this year.  When I read the box score and it says “F Liriano,” I agree.

Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 21st steal.  With Young being traded, Revere should see everyday time.  If you need steals, SAGNOF!

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 as he started a one game hit streak.  Adam Dunn, “Pfft!  I’ve had like 12 of those this year!”

Jose Constanza – 3-for-3, I can’t say I truly understand the Constanza, but he has 5 steals in the last ten games, he’s starting every day and hitting.

Eric Thames – Now has 3 homers in 4 games.  He’s decorating box scores better than Kelly on Design Star.  What, my ex-girlfriend programmed it into my Tivo last year and I figured since it was recorded I’d watch it.  Stop judging me.

Brett Lawrie – Hit his third home run in his 10th game.  I feel like he’s trying to encroach on my Desmond Jennings rookie nookie love.  Which is kinda hot.  Fight for my love!

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer in 3 games as he remembers why I have him on my freakin’ teams.

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with 2 homers.  Love that he hit 2 homers; lurve that he hit them in Safeco.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-4 as he hit his second homer in as many games.  You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotahto.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 3 ER with his 5th blown save.  He also took a grounder off his pitching hand, which could cause him to miss some time.  On top of that, Mujica’s injured and Mike Dunn didn’t compliment Hanley on his wash bucket drum solo, so Steve Cishek could see some saves over the next few days.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He’s on pace for 34 homers and 90 RBIs at the age of 21.  Boing!

Ryan Doumit – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th home run.  Better yet, he’s healthy!  Though that might not be true by the time you read this.

Jesus Montero – Jon Heyman suspects the Yankees won’t recall their prospect until September.  Heyman was also who suspected Montero would be called up by now.  I think I’d like to play Heyman in Clue.

Carlos Zambrano – Supposedly, Sammy Sosa texted Big Z some words of support.  He told him to pretend he doesn’t speak English and say, “Baseball has been berry berry good to me.”

Ryan Braun - 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 23 homers and 23 steals.  He’s like Lady Justice balancing his power and speed.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-3, hitting .297 with ten homers and zero steals on the year. Be fun to see where this schmohawk gets drafted next year.  I’m guessing still higher than he deserves.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 10.  Conor Jackson who?!  The yawnstipating 1st baseman the A’s usually play.  I know, Random Italicalized Voice, it’s a figure of speech.  ‘Conor Jackson who’ is a figure of speech?  Forget it.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ll keep this short and not that sweet.  When he’s in O.co (seriously, dubya tee eff with that stadium name?) giving up four runs to the O’s, things are not okay.  He can’t be started anywhere now.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 26th homer then left with cramps.  Has been almost 28 days since his last injury.

Cole Hamels – Underwent a “precautionary MRI.”  The Phils are “optimistic” it’s “nothing” but Hamels still “may miss” his next start.  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

Actually, the title’s completely inaccurate.  I don’t rock rough or anything with Aubrey Huff.  I think he’s one of the few players in the major leagues that I’ve never owned anywhere.   Sometime you gotta give me a call and let me know what it’s like to own him, loyal Razzball reader.  Um, yeah, my number’s listed.  Under mustache.  Speaking of which, is there anything sadder than the people who call you to see if you got a Yellow Pages?  Not only am I not sure why they still make Yellow Pages, but calling to find out if I got it?  Really?  Are they calling from 1987?  Hey, go see the movie Wall Street, it’s great!  So, Aubrey Huff hit three homers and drove in 6.  In the last two games, four homers.   It’s terrific, but I still think he falls way short of last year’s numbers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Paul – 4-for-5, 2 steals (and attempted a third).  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He failed to catch on with the Dodgers then they went with Jay Gibbons, Jane Goodall’s favorite player, but now he’s getting a “kinda” look in Pittsburgh.  He also likes long walks on a beach and juggling oranges.  Sorry, I pulled that from his Plenty of Fish profile. (BTW, That site name is really close to Plenty Oafish, which could describe some of the men on there.  Am I right, three lady readers, or am I right-right?)  Paul looks like he could swipe 20 bags with full-time duty (hehe, I said duty) and hit 10 home runs.  In other words, a poor man’s Angel Pagan without a full-time job.  Yay, let’s stop traffic and let the Jabbawockeez dance.  Paul’s the kind of guy that can help win NL-Only leagues, but, unless he’s playing every day, I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.  Now if the Pirates decide to bench Tabata or Robot and Diaz then this new X-Man opens wide.

Garrett Jones – In trouble of losing serious playing time.  If it’s not the argh-forementioned Pirate, Matt Diaz got the start yesterday vs. a righty.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  In the 19 games since I told you to sell him after his 3 homer game, he has 7 runs, 1 home run and 8 RBIs.  718 is also the Mets area code.  Jayson Stark could write 2500 words on that significance and get Tim Kurkjian’s voice to crack multiple times.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 7 ER as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.

Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You didn’t have to see the game to know that 4 baserunners and 5 runs means he got unlucky.  I’m not saying he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy, but I’m still holding out hope in NL-Only leagues.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 5th home run.  May be a day late on this but he’s a decent buy low candidate. Still plenty of time for him to get to 20+ homers and 15 steals.

Jim Thome – Headed to the DL.  Very suspicious that his injury stint comes at the same time as the 2011 Log Rolling & Straw Chewing Championships.

Jason Kubel – Also headed to the DL.  Before the Twins game, they raised their 7th pennant flag.  Wait a second, that’s not a pennant flag.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His Ks are way down this year — maybe Liriano is telling him to pitch to contact — but he still has a 1.14 WHIP and 3.61 ERA.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.

Michael Morse – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and now hitting .999* in the last month.   *Only a slight exaggeration.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Who fed this hodgepadre after midnight?

Chase Headley – Has a twelve game hitting streak but only 15 hits, 4 runs and 4 RBIs.  Snooze…BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK!  Whoa, onomatopoeia, you are annoying.

Brett Lawrie – Set to be called up today.  I already went over my Brett Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a piggyback ride from a Tongan woman.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now F-Her just needs to lower his ERA into the mid-2′s and me and him will be copacetic.

Carlos Peguero – Hit two home runs yesterday.  He showed good power in the minors, but he’s got K’s for days, as the kids say as said by someone who has no idea what the kids say.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 with a delicious slam and legs that he smothered in hot sauce.  Better eat up cause he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell and it’s not on the right side which is to say it is on the right side.  Huh?  Yeah, you follow.

James Shields – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Sing with me to the tune of Spider Pig, “Schadenfreude, schadenfreude… Does whatever a schadenfreude does…”

Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses.  Never surrender, Corey Hart!  In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo).  In shorter, grab him.  In shortest, grab.  He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s and this is obviously the start of a good one.  If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French.  (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.)  Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats.  Très bummer!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time.  His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.  Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.

Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors.  La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions.  You’re welcome, Grey.  Now adopt a kitten.”

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  He’s baaaaack!  Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL.  Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.

Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”

Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow.  Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year.  Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.”  “But I don’t play tennis.”  “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”

Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!  Or is that ticker season?

Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors.  My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.

Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday.  LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”

Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  Almost as bad as his guitar playing.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers.  We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go.  Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump.  Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post.  (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)

Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum.  Take that, capitalization Gods!  “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.”  Uh-oh.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week.  Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again.  If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now.  He should return in about a week and a half.

Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run.  With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.

Matt Capps -  1 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan.  On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful.  Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early.  Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball.  Zoinks!

Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance.  That’s hard to do with their offense.  That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix.  San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana.  Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.

Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers.  Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays.  Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita.  Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run.  In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends.  I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves.  Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal.  (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal.  You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal.  Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.

Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Sonavabench!  If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.

Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would.  I know, Earth.

Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine.  If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.

Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him.  First there was Coke, then there was Furbush.  All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.