Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade. Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player? He just gives his fans false hope. False hope is worst than no hope. See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you. Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft. No, not awesome. Terrible. Thanks a lot, false hope! Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox. Speculation has me excited to own Pence. Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence. If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.” His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better. And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark. I like it. It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo. Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?! He never plays. Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney? Manzo! (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.) Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick. You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers! (Thanks, Lil Penny.) Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday. If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program. Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two. Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game. Manzo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.” Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles. We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly? Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman? Evidently not. So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention? He’s been awesome…ly average. .285 average. 5 HRs. 30 Ks in 137 ABs. There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009. Think .285 with 12 HRs. He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher. Just don’t overpay for it. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder. Yesterday, it was Iwamura. Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!). Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him. Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Sunday, Akinori Iwamura was carted off the field. (No, it wasn’t some sorta Japanese custom when a player makes an out.) So Reid Brignac may get some short-term value if the Rays play him. Right now, they don’t seem committed to that plan. And, frankly, I can see why. He hasn’t exactly been tearing it up in Triple A. The Rays should go to Ben Zobrist aka The Best Home Run Hitter In The World With The Last Name Zobrist. With shortstop eligibility and potentially 2nd base, Zobrist will have value getting everyday at-bats. Much has been made of Zobrist’s out-of-the-blue power surge. The only explanation that seems to be out there is that he worked in the offseason with Jaime Cevallos, The Swing Mechanic. (Turns out he helped Little Jake Current too!) Honestly, I don’t think it matters much for Ben Zobrist since he already has shortstop eligibility. It’s worth a flier to see if the power continues. Just don’t cut anyone too worthwhile for that flier, including Little Jake Current — he’s got power to all fields! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Troy Percival – Hit the DL and made J.P. Please, blog, may I have some more?
(Note from Rudy: I wanted the title, “Ditch Stitch Tits.” Over Instant Messenger, Grey thickly said, “What’s with you and the stitch tits? This is about Vlad, not Pamela Anderson.” It means Vlad had a pectoral tear. Your pectoral is in your chest. Sorry none of you could bask in my preferred title. Now, carry on, Grey — lamer!) Vladimir Guerrero is due back on Monday from a torn pectoral. I’m not a doctor, but occasionally I played one in my preteen years. All I know of the pectoral is it’s somewhere in Vlad’s body. Do I have one? Maybe. No idea. So let’s go with what I do know. Scioscia lies; he lies when he cries that Vlad can’t play the outfield, but can DH, which he said on April 7th, right before Vlad missed six weeks. When Vlad did finally hit the DL, some source that Jayson Stark won’t reveal (because this is just so damning I suppose) said, “When those offensive linemen get (the same injury as Vlad) in the NFL, they’re out for the year.” So, assuming Vlad doesn’t need to block Jose Guillen from trying to tackle Scioscia, will Vlad be in the clear come Monday? Not likely. The injury that was only supposed to effect him when he throws has already sidelined him for 6 weeks from hitting. I’m assuming the Angels brass got together and decided half of a Vlad (or Vl) was a lot more intimidating hitting in the middle of the lineup than sitting on the sidelines doing Sudoku. This does not mean you need to have him in your fantasy lineup. Remember last year from June on, Vlad only hit 20 homers, or about what Raul Ibanez has done already (Raul!). Then you throw in the risk of having a player who is a Latin 34 with deteriorating skills and knees and he’s a sell. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brian Anderson – Could have some slight value in AL-Only leagues. Though if you have a erection for longer than 4 hours after picking up Brian Anderson, you should seek advice from a doctor. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let’s just assume Joe Mauer hits 25 HRs, though no one south of the Arctic Circle has him projected for more than 18. And even some less optimistic Eskimos have him down for only 20. Let’s also assume after curing the swine (<–which is prosciutto, I believe), he hits .330. Let’s also chuck in 80 Runs and 80 RBIs, which seems Brobdingnagian (Word of the Day!) considering time already missed. I think these are all preposterous numbers considering his back problems, but let’s suspend disbelief. So Mauer still has 17 more homers, a great average and 60 some-odd Runs/RBIs in him. In the first half of last year, Doumit hit 11 homers with 42 Runs and 29 RBIs, while batting .329. Those numbers are in 207 ABs. He can easily replicate those numbers when he returns. So if you trade Mauer for, say, an outfielder who still has 30 HRs in his bat (Quentin) or a pitcher (Hamels) or a corner guy (Youkilis) and grab a random schmohawk catcher of waivers, you’re walking out of the trade in good shape. Please, blog, may I have some more?
So this is a fun story for you. When I was a kid, I played 2nd base. Was one of those pesky slap hitters that annoyed the pitchers. I led the way for Orlando Hudson. Call me Orlando Oldson. At the age of twelve, I never struckout once. All season. That’s how Oldson did. Then when I turned thirteen, I sucked. I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. If they didn’t have to play every kid, I would’ve never seen any PT. At one point, I had a friend promise to throw the ball right down the middle just so I could get one hit for the year. And that was what I finished with. One hit. So wha’ happened? Where did Oldson disappear to? Well, going into that year, I discovered girls. And all of their fleshy parts. But I also needed glasses. Who was I? Chris Sabo? Chris Sabo got laid once. And he paid for it. So I took the easy way out and never wore my glasses. My baseball career paid for it big time. But I touched a boob! This brings me to Brian McCann. He’s supposed to be returning. Stat, doc. You know what catchers need? Rest. You know what McCann’s had a lot of? Mmm-hmm. See where I’m going with this? Of course you do. You gots smarts! So McCann had a terrible first month of April. Tizz-errible. Well, he couldn’t see like Oldson and his luck (BABIP) was in the shizzer too. Now as long as he’s not embarrassed to wear glasses around Frenchy, he should be fine. So potatoes to chips, he’s still a guy that can hit 20 HRs and bat .290. Buy, snitches! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Josh Whitesell – Starting the Buys with a -Sell? Oh, Grey! Please, blog, may I have some more?