Fantasy Baseball Advice

Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back.  Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves.  But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now.  Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be.  On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap.  If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing.  Athletes live by that adage.  So when the media asked Hanson about his shoulder after the game on Saturday, he refused to talk about it.  Earlier in the year, Hanson went to the DL with rotator cuff tendinitis.  A’la Paul Hogan, “That’s not a red flag… THIS IS A RED FLAG!”  My best guess is he’ll be on the Disgraceful List by this time tomorrow.  What time am I writing this?  Geez, a little in my business, no?  Let’s just say it’s prior to dinner, but after my afternoon Cheetos break.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He now has three homers in the last six games.  When I say hot, you say schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Hot…Schmotato… Pot…Schmo– Gotcha!

Jesus Guzman - 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Has now hit in 9 out of his last 10 games.  Jesus obviously feels right at home with the Friars.

Chase Headley – Out for 6 weeks with a fractured pinkie.  His Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be resting comfortably.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in Metco.  If you’re upset about your treatment while a Met, that’s not exactly how you prove people wrong.  Cust kayin’.

Jason Bay – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games, and he’s also 6 for his last 11 as he spices up the Mets’ lineup with a little of the old Bay.

Mike Minor - Hasn’t been all peaches and cream so far for Minor, but he could take Hanson’s place if he is indeed bumped.  Hey, when a pitcher is struggling and bumped from a rotation, we should call that bumping uglies.  Okay, carry on.

Alex Gonzalez - 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He’s now hit in 9 of the last 10 games, which is a polite way of saying he’s hitting around .280 in the last ten games.  Maybe Adam Dunn is the only one impressed by that.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL again.  Too bad, so sad.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA now sits at 3.05 to go with a 1.14 WHIP.  His Ks are a little low, but Hellickson’s having a, um, hell of a year.  I could see the Rays being conservative with his innings towards the tail end of the year once they’re (un)officially eliminated.

Carlos Carrasco – To the DL for the 2nd time with right elbow inflammation.  He still has a suspension to serve too, so that’s ‘bow biding.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitless in his first rehab game.  Sounds like he picked up right where he left off!

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  As he crossed home plate, he should’ve bit Matt Wieters’s arm off to punctuate how this homer was him rising from the dead.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Speaking of zombies, he must’ve got a talking to from his agent last week about how much money he won’t earn if he continues to lollygag because he’s 7 for his last 13.  Though I wouldn’t be exactly confident in trusting him again, i.e. if you pick up Rios, you may get all wet.  Spanish pun point!  Or puno!

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Is it me or is it every time Danks or Gavin Floyd seem ownable, they write “I stink” in their own excrement on the walls of your fantasy team?

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer.  If you would’ve jumped out of DeLorean in April and told me one of my best pickups in multiple leagues would be J.J. Hardy, I would’ve called you a mental patient or said I had a bunch of teams not doing very well.  The latter’s not exactly untrue, assuming I know my latter from my former.

Josh Johnson – Threw for 10 minutes yesterday.  Sweet, now if he can get in one pitch every three seconds, he’s ready for big league action!

J.D. Martinez – Homered on Saturday and went deep again yesterday.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can work up for an Astros hitter.  I mean, their corner outfielders right now are J.D Martinez and J.B. Shuck.  Where’s I.P. Freely?

Daniel Hudson – 3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K and 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.  Still, against the Astros?  Really?

Homer Bailey – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Aren’t you glad you listened to me and didn’t pick him up?  Oh, you didn’t listen.  Well, I guess you’ll blame that on me too.

Jay Bruce – Homered yesterday.  How does he go from 12 homers in May to next to nothing for two-plus months?  Does he want to be maddeningly frustrating?  Because that’s about as much fun as trying to say maddeningly.

Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep twith.

Placido Polanco – Said he hopes to play through a sports hernia.  That takes balls.

Bobby Jenks – Undergoing a colonoscopy.  Ironically enough, Colon just got his Jenks tested.  It required turning to his left and coughing.

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade.  Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player?  He just gives his fans false hope.  False hope is worst than no hope.  See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you.  Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft.  No, not awesome.  Terrible.  Thanks a lot, false hope!  Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox.  Speculation has me excited to own Pence.  Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence.  If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.”  His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better.  And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark.  I like it.  It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo.  Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled.  Still plenty of time to reach the 40 homer prediction of Matthew Berry.  Go big or go home!

Drew Storen – Rumors are saying that the Nats weren’t willing to trade Drew Storen for Denard Span.  And they shouldn’t.  It’s not that important to save money on monogrammed bathrobes.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5.  It should be a day of celebration for Zimmerman’s owners so it’s too bad I’m about to point out he has 5 homers and 20 RBIs on the year.  As Mattingly would say as Morganna ran toward him, “What a bust.”  Speaking of which, in the 80′s we had casual female nudity in movies and random hot girls running on the baseball field. Then in the 90′s we got no nudity and no one running on the field.  Now, you get male nudity (don’t even start me about Friends With Benefits — why are you showing Justin Timberlake and not Mila Kunis?  Am I not the target audience? Actually, don’t answer that.) and drunk idiot guys running on the field.  Where did our country go wrong?  Can’t we get back to random naked girls in movies and goofy Loni Anderson-type girls running on the field?  Oh, and don’t look up recent photos of Loni Anderson on Google.  Her plastic surgery makes Lisa Rinna’s lips look real.

Wade Davis – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s and the conshellation prize.  All five runs were given up in the first inning then he settled down, but still the last time Tampa got hammered from Oakland this bad was when MC Hammer played last month at a Tampa farmers’ market.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his first homer and fourth steal in only six games while batting .500.  After the game, he declared himself the new King of Slam & Legses, only when he said legses it didn’t sound weird because he’s perfect.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 with his 3rd home run and his first steal.  My man’s playing with reckless a-Brandon!  That’s 3 homers in 26 at-bats.  That’s, a’la Larry David, prettaaaaaay prettaaaaaay good.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer and 2nd steal.  I’ve been wanting to get on board with this guy for over a week now, but he’s been sitting every third game and not hitting righties well, i.e., what most pitchers are.  If you can platoon him in deeper leagues, it’s worth a flyer.

Kyle Blanks – Now 2 for his first 20 with 11 Ks.  At this point, the only way he’s going to be productive is if someone figures out a way to harness his windmill swing for electricity.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with his 8th home run.  Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5 with his 17th and 18th homers which is one homer behind Tulowitzki, who leads all major league shortstops.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with 5 RBIs and only a single short of the cycle.  He’s nothing special on AVG/OBP but 19 HRs and 53 RBIs in the AL West (see Smoak, Moreland, and Barton) should keep Trumbo off any blacklists.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 with his 21st steal.  In the past two months, he’s hitting .255 with 7 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer or his third homer in as many games.  Butler’s cups really runneth over.

Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 9 ER.  It’s to the point where I wouldn’t own Bailey until he threw two months straight of quality starts.

Francisco Rodriguez – Since he waived his games-finished clause that would pay him $17.5 million, he hasn’t finished any games.  K-Rod backwards is dork.  Father-in-laws everywhere rejoice.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and he’s going to make an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell as I throw it to Lucas.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 with 3 runs and a steal as he stays blisteringly hot.  To point out the painful and obvious, he’s been better than Ryan Zimmerman.  Fantasy baseball, making prematurely bald men bald faster.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal.  His hitting streak is now up to 26 games.  That makes sense in opposite world where I look like Paul Walker with a mustache and girls still like mustaches.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3 as he hit his 24th homer.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  He started to swing and the ball flinched 375 feet the other way.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Has now hit in every game he’s started since his trade to the Tigers, which is a really nice way to say he’s hitting around .270 over the last week.

Brad Penny – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  The Tigers pitching box score sounds like a porn marquee — Penny, Furbush, Ruffin, Purcey and Coke.  All to star in Motor City Mamas.

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.