Fantasy Baseball Advice

Week 7 brings us the beginning of the uselessness that is interleague play. Why? For the simple reason that teams like to keep it fresh for money purposes:  it’s some weird marketing technique to gain new revenue. I am not a fan of the unnatural geographical match-ups. This causes all types of lineup havoc for teams with a strict DH guy on American League teams. So enjoy some shuffleboard with Papi and Vlad — that should be a cruise line slogan. Even though both those teams are home…you get my point. So with that being said, lots of two start options this week as all 30 teams play 7 games. This is a good week to muscle up and grab as many two start guys as possible. Why you may ask? Patience, and don’t yell! There is no yelling in the dojo. The pitching has been dominating the hitting so far, so why wouldn’t it continue in games with opponents they don’t see very often? There, you’re welcome for the secrets. Good luck this week on all fantasy baseball undertakings. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/18
Tom Gorzelanny @ Nym – Gee
Bud Norris @ StL – Lohse
Bronson Arroyo vs. Pit – McDonald

5/19
Chris Narveson @ SD – Harang
Tyson Ross vs. Min – Blackburn
Philip Humber vs. Cle – White

5/20
Jason Marquis @ Bal – Arrieta
Travis Wood @ Cle – Tomlin

Ivan Nova (@TB vs. Shields, NYM vs. Niese) Got lambasted by KC.  That lineup glimmer I’ve previously mentioned with Yankee starters? Yeah, he has it and a special decoder ring given to him by Jetes.

Joel Pineiro (@Oak vs. Anderson, Atl vs. Hanson) Two quality opponents to see if Joel is for real. Tiny numbers not just this year, but click 2010 stats. Yeah, minus an injury he would be worth it. BAA is a meager .224. Some regression, but would you take a 3.70 ERA from a waiver wire add? Yeah, me too.

Rick Porcello (Tor vs. Drabek, @Pit vs. Maholm) Kid grew up like 5 mins from me, 20 if I walked on my hands. Hasn’t allowed more than 2 ER since before tax day (that’s 5 starts if anyone doesn’t have an abacus handy). ERA 2 runs better away.

Charlie Morton (@Was vs. Zimmermann, Det vs. Coke) Two Jersey guys in a row — it’s a Jersey thing… you wouldn’t understand. RH batting .161, unfortunately LH are hitting “Teddy Ballgame” off him. ERA drop at home to the tune of 2.5 runs.

Jon Garland (Mil vs. Wolf, @CHW vs. Danks) The fantasy baseball version of a Doozer, down in Fraggle Rock. 12 wins and ERA around 4. Seems like he has done that for oh, say a decade. 2.77 ERA away from Chavez.

Jason Vargas (Min vs. Duensing, @SD vs. Stauffer) More exciting time on Sunday in SD? Go to the zoo and flip off the monkeys or watch Seattle play the Friars? Yeah, I know it’s a trick question.

Jesse Litsch (@Det vs. Coke, Hou vs. W. Rodriguez) I thought Conan shaved his beard… What is he doing pitching for Toronto? The last Jesse that I swore by ran moonshine and his nephews drove a Charger with the doors cemented shut.

Homer Bailey (CHC vs. Garza, @Cle vs. Carrasco) Remember that girl from high school who used to tease you all the time with niceness? She teaches a class for that now and Bailey is the valedictorian. If you already picked him up, make sure you have a DL spot available.

Jonathon Niese (Fla vs. Nolasco , @NYY vs. Nova) Hey, I could have mentioned Pelfrey, but look at his match-ups and tell me who you would rather face. xFIP says he is getting hosed by a run.

Paul Maholm (@Was vs. Lannan, Det vs. Porcello) Gets zero point zero run support to help his 3.60 ERA. What did u expect…. he plays in Pitt. Home ERA at 2.76. Is a photo negative of Morton.

Holy hell was week 1 long… though it’s always good when your ace goes three times in the first week. Hopefully, everyone has remained calm and not added Alex Avila and Willie Bloomquist to anchor anything not named a boat. It’s way too early to get all ‘Jerry McGuire’ and say, “The fish are coming with me.” This fantasy is a relationship — not a one night stand! Assuming that you drafted well and injuries or appendices don’t get in your way, your team should be built to last. To me, there is nothing sweeter than streaming. It makes your opponent think two things, “Hey, this guy is paying attention” and, “Damn, this guy wants to not only beat me but destroy me.” That is what it’s all about folks. Treat every week like you do the last week of the season and I guarantee those last few weeks will actually mean something. So here are your week 2, less owned, two start fantasy baseball hurlers. Good luck. (Pitchers and match ups may change so please be aware)

Kyle McClellan (@Ari-Enright, @LAD Kershaw) – Duncan is the Rumpelstiltskin of pitching. For now, I’m sold and will be until he hits that wall at 120 innings or so.

Joe Blanton (@Was- Lannan, Fla-Volstad) – Mentally it must suck to be known as the other guy.  No respect? No worries!  Thornton Melon’s got your back… Just stop giving up 7 run leads.

Michael Pineda (Tor-Romero, @KC Francis) – Good stuff, bad offense. Any start for a Seattle pitcher will be a crap shoot for a Win. They just don’t have the ‘O’ to go anywhere but last place.

Jason Hammel (@NYM-Pelfrey, CHC-Coleman) – Colorado’s offense versus a chronic hand licker and a guy who sounds like an female Irish bar keep? Yeah, it depends on the bar.

Brian Duensing (KC-Francis, @TB-Price) – Still SP/RP sexy. Rays are scuffling and Price isn’t as good as some ‘perts are sayin’. None here, of course.

Alexei Ogando (@Det-Verlander, @NYY-Burnett) – Rough match up week for the kid. Wait is 27 years old still a kid? Anyhoo, career high in innings is 41, which includes the minors.

Jesse Litsch (@Sea-Hernandez, @Bos-Matsuzaka) – Tough week for the road warrior pick. I went over Seattle above in a nut shell. Boston is the kid who falls asleep drunk and everyone draws on his face. Until he wakes up and kicks everyone’s ass.

Esmil Rogers (@ NYM- Niese, CHC- Dempster) – Gangly is the best word for him. Looks like an 8 foot octopus wearing a baseball hat. Deceptive delivery, plus lack of video equals fantasy gold until they figure him out.

Kevin Correia (Mil-Marcum, @Cin-Volquez) – Olympics, Kim Jong-il land the pitcher.  The three things we know about Korea.  Somewhere, James Taiwan is yearning for attention. Hard to be the ace of a bad team, usually a match up disaster.

Jeff Francis (@Min-Duensing, Sea -Pineda) – Rule of 2’s for shoulder surgery guys.  Hop on the KC bandwagon now… it’ll prolly run out of gas by June.

Lastings Milledge was sent to the minors yesterday clearing room for Elijah Dukes to cover for him in center and probationary hearings.  Luckily, on his way out of town, Milledge stopped by Razzball HQ with some “word science.”  After you read the rhymes Milledge dropped, feel free to drop him.

Dukes has a good 3 days, so he gets a buffer?
I’m da original Bowden Fluffer!
My rhymes are so hard they break bats,
Why you go out and sign that Three-True Outcome Fats?
To the minors, you’re sending moi?
I’m declaring a fatwa!

Don’t push me, cuz I’m close to the edge,
I’m trying not to lose my head,
Uh huh ha ha ha…
It’s like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder,
Why MLB didn’t let this team go under.

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tom Glavine – Career might be over.  Take a moment, go to the front lawn, pocket some dirt in honor of Glavine’s career, then drop him.

Chris Carpenter – From the top 60 starters post, “There’s plenty of pitchers to choose from, give Carpenter a year to prove himself.  That’s all, one year.  Or maybe until the All-Star Break.  Just don’t draft him out of the gate.” Do I need to continue?  Carpenter left yesterday’s game with a strained oblique.  That’s vaguely a belly ache.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I would hope he gets placed on the DL so you can at least free up a spot.

Jesse Litsch – Wasn’t worth owning prior to forearm tightness and now he’s on the 15-day DL.  Call in Reggie Roby.

Xavier Nady – Left with elbow pain.  In the 1st basemen to target post, I said, ” I think (Swisher) takes the job from Nady when Nady’s exploited for not being what he was last year.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Nady’s one of the bigger busts this year outside of Billy Butler’s moobs.   Nady was injury-prone prior to last year and last year was a career year.  Do the math!

Nick Swisher – 4th HR yesterday.  Read again what I wrote about Nady.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – One inning, 5 earned.  I’m not going to quote or link to anything, but I told you to avoid Dice-K this year.  You do what you do, I do what I do.  Word on the Bean Streets is he’s suffering from “arm fatigue.”  Clay Buchholz may be getting the call to replace him for a couple of starts.

Scott Podsednik – Jeopardy contestant, “Questionable Manager Moves for $100.”  Alex Trebek, “The answer is ‘The White Sox signed Scott Podsednik.’”  Contestant, “How could Ozzie Guillen find a worst centerfielder, leadoff man than DeWayne Wise?”

Vladimir Guerrero – Admitted this offseason to lying about his age and is now coping to a Latin 34.  He seems like a nice guy, but, man, he’s been looking like a Latin 40.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER.  C’mon, that’s a made-up name!  It’s too perfect.  Good results for “Ricky” so far as he’s kept his walks in check.  His minor league numbers say trouble isn’t too far away.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s worth a flier, but don’t get too excited.

Glen Perkins – Also 8 IP, 2 ER.  Another great start for The Pancake House.  Again, don’t invest too heavily.  He’s like Slowey-lite.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 4th homer.  If he’s on waivers in any leagues, he shouldn’t be.  If you have a power void on your team, I’d trade for Cruz.

A.J. Burnett – No hitter into the 7th.  I’d look to trade him if you’re fine on starters.  Five dollars says he doesn’t get through May.

Carlos Villanueva – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Javier Vazquez – 12 Ks in the loss.  Ah, those patient Marlins hitters.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5 to drop his average to .485.  The correction is complete!

Melvin Mora – To the DL with a hamstring injury.  Wigginton will field the spot for a few weeks.  That’s no endorsement of Wigginton unless you’re desperate.  Then again, if you were playing Mora, you probably are desperate.

Manny Parra – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Two runs scored on walks to Taveras and Hairston, two guys that need to be knocked down to take a pitch.  In summation, Parra really needs to cut down on his walks.

Chris Davis – 2nd HR in two days.  Now don’t you feel bad for hating him three days ago?

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  Okay, Davis 2, Reynolds 1… Now go to your corners and when you hear the bell come out swinging.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Stole his fourth bag as he bats .194.  I could see him hitting .260 and stealing 40 this year.  Oh, and Jacoby Ellsbury says, “It’s April 15th, do your taxes!”

Chien-Ming Wang – the two-time 19 game winner – is pitching historically bad.  How bad?  Some TV highlight show quoted some statistical service that the 15 earned runs he’s given up in the past 2 starts are the most ever for a Yankee pitcher’s first two starts of the year.  For fantasy purposes, he’s more toxic than Chinese air, waterways, and land combined.  As for Ted Lilly, you have to respect a guy who can overcome the ignominy of being traded for Hideki Irabu and Jeff Weaver.  He’s been a very underrated late game starter for the past two years with the Cubs. Today, he went 6 and 2/3, giving up only one hit.  Not to take anything away from Lilly, but the conditions were lousy at Wrigley for hitters.  If Ubaldo didn’t walk 6 batters in less than 4 innings, the Cubs wouldn’t have scored as many runs either.  We think Lilly’s risky for this year as he’s been relying a bit too much on breaking pitches.  But it’s not as if the Cubs training staff hasn’t had experience with sore-armed pitchers (see Prior, Wood, Harden)… Oh, and Wang?  We’re very worried about him.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – I feel bad saying I told you so when someone’s not going well, but I told you so… Actually, that didn’t feel that bad.  Schadenfreude, you make me feel good!

Fausto Carmona – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Okay, I didn’t say to stay away from this schmohawk and it feels awful.  Damn you, karma!

Orlando Hudson – Orlando is living it up in LA.  Disneyworld meet Disneyland!  O-Dog used up his month’s offense production in one day as he hit for the cycle.  O-Dog’s about as hot as they come these last few days.  Is he worth owning?  Sure, I suppose.  He’s a 10/10 hitter with a decent average.  There’s a place for that but I’d prefer a 2nd baseman that could get you 25-40 steals.  One thing I will say is Hudson seems like he’s running more in the early going with 3 steals already in the first week.  But his career high in steals is 10.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs yesterday.  Nice!  Now twist an ankle or something so Kemp could slowly start working his way up the lineup.  Aw, you know I’m just playin’, Ethier.  I love ya! (Actually, I don’t really, but I’m semi-rambling.)

Zach Duke – Shutout? Shuddup!  The Astros are not a very good offensive team. (Which seems like a complaint for them for the last so many years.  Maybe they might want to think about upgrading that.  Just a thought!)  Duke’s fine for an NL-Only league flier.  In mixed leagues, it’s Zach Puke.

Cristian Guzman – My Fantasy Razzball team (and really it’s all about me) took some hits (literally!) yesterday as Guzman went 5-for-5 then limped off the field.  He surprised last year by maintaining a .300 average and staying relatively healthy after failing to do either in his last years with Minnesota.  I was banking on a regression but not on the health part… There is nothing more frustrating then losing a guy on a Monday in a weekly league.  I should’ve just left Belliard in there… Wait, is that my inner monologue?  My bad.

Jesse Litsch – Left with forearm tightness. Another guy I had on my team that I want to suck.  I don’t think highly of Litsch, but would’ve been nice to see him stay healthy.  He’ll be out a few starts is my guess.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m not defending Pelfrey because I don’t like him this year, but he did give up some bleeders and bloops.  Cust kayin’.

Jon Lester – 11 runs in 2 starts.  He was a risky pitcher too (in addition to Pelfrey).

Zach Greinke – 2-0, no earned runs thus far.  Because our dipolma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston says we have to report when we’re wrong 17% of the time, Greinke was a risky pitcher too.  Maybe trade him if you think we might still be right.

Matt Holliday – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  Batting between Giambi and Garciaparra is really paying off! *sarcasm off*

B.J. Upton – Matt Joyce sent down as The Beej returned to action with a two steal night.  Good to have the Bossman back in town.

Carlos Pena – HR and 6 RBIs. *Random observation that is neither funny nor that enlightening alert* Pena reminds me of Delgado.

Ryan Franklin – First Save last night.  He will get more.  As far back as March 17th, I’ve been saying Franklin will get saves.  I’m not going to link to all the times I said it.  Just search in the search-a-ma-jig on the left.

Travis Snider – 2 HRs.  Still like Lind better, but I also like anyone who’s hitting two home runs in a game.  Even you, Ethier!

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  Since last summer, I’ve said he’s headed for the 2009 NL Cy Young.  The Verducci guy clinked the armor, but I’m still holding tight.

Milton Bradley – Out a few days with a right groin strain.  How appropriate since he’s a jerkoff.

Justin Upton – O-for-the season.  The ‘Backs have too many options for him to continue on the path of ugly.  He’s going to be a good one, but it may not be the first half of the year.  Or this year at all.  Color me worried.

Jermaine Dye/Paul Konerko – Back to back 300th HRs.  According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two players hit back to back 300th homers.  Actually, they didn’t say that… Well, they might’ve.  I have no idea.  Another thing possibly heard today in the Elias Sports Bureau office, in Accounting, Julio said, “Who took my pen for the third time this month?  Which is a new record!”

DeWayne Wise – Separated shoulder and out 6 weeks. This also really hurt my Fantasy Razzball team.  Wise looked like he was headed for one of the all-time worst years ever if Ozzie would’ve continued to play him.  And that’s a small “if,” because of course Ozzie was playing him.  Alas…  This opens up the centerfield job for the Jerry Owens promotion (SAGNOF, but he’s a truly crappy player) or Brian Anderson (poor average, some pop, not much to see here either).  This could also mean Ozzie moves Alexei Ramirez up the order.  Honestly, Alexei hasn’t done much to deserve it so that could mean Ozzie does move him up.  Oh, who are we fooling?  Ozzie’s going to continue to plug Wise into the top of the order, DL be damned!

Jed Lowrie – To the 15-Day DL.  Oh, well.  He’s done.  Feel free to cut him loose.  Probably the best thing that could’ve happened so you can move on from him sooner vs. later.  (BTW, Sooner vs. Later battled to a draw last time out in the octagon.)

Oh, they’re not just bad.  Nah, I outdid even myself this time.  On this drafternoon, I picked a team that is near-perfectly awful.  They simultaneously suck and blow.  On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven.  I did the math!  Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs.  If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job!  If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you.  And shame on this team!  I took part in a fantasy baseball draft this past Saturday to pick the worst fantasy baseball team.  And I think I done did it.  My co-conspirators in this were:

Roto Rob
Tirico Suave
Drunk Jays Fans
Fantasy Baseball Cafe
Fantasy Pros 911
Hire Jim Essian
Sharapova’s Thigh
Fantasy Baseball Geeks
Beyond the Box Score

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Random thoughts about various rounds of the draft:

ROUND 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  Okay, he’s on the Nats.  Should I go on?  His K rate has been going up.  More?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  All right, one more thing.  He’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

ROUND 2 – It was between Chone Fuggums and Lousy Castillo.  Had to go with the more shallow position of 3rd base.  Fuggums will probably get 500 ABs, and, I don’t know, 4 HRs.  Not a bad guy for the Not Corner.

ROUND 3 – And Lousy Castillo makes it back to me.  Projected for 487 ABs and… Wait for it… Here it comes… Hold on, I have an itch… All right, here it is… Zero home runs!  WTF?  How is that even possible?

ROUND 4 – Okay, I’ve waited on crappy outfielders long enough.  Skip Suckmaker, you’re mine!  Thank you, LaRussa.

ROUND 5 – I’m actually worried about my Runs at this point.  No, I didn’t just drink some Mexican water.  So to clog up my tailpipe, I select Erick Aybar.  He’s projected for less than 50 Runs and over 400 ABs.  Later I will add his Brother in Razzball Charms.

ROUND 6 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Schneider.

ROUND 7 – And because no one knows when anyone is drafting a player, you (or at least I) want to fill up your (my) Utility spot with another catcher that I know will rack up the ABs and little else — Yadier Molina.

ROUND 8 – Super futility man, Willie Aybar.

ROUND 9 – Finally, I take a pitcher.  Not just any pitcher, but a pitcher worthy of a Razzball Spotlight, Gorilla Ponson.

ROUND 10 – B. Giles because anyone who’s ever played any level of baseball can put up his stats.

ROUND 11 – Travis Ishikawa.  Everyone loses a job on your fantasy Razzball team, so backups are very helpful and Giants hitters are even more so.  Worst case scenario, Ishikawa and Belliard will make a nice blahtoon.

ROUND 12 – Vicente Padilla, probably my riskiest pick so far.  He can’t make it out of May with a job, can he?

ROUND 13 – Endy Chavez.  Nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

ROUND  14 – DeWayne Wise. Ozzie’s crazy enough to give him 500 ABs, but he’s not crazy enough to lead him off, is he?

ROUND 15 – Having played this league last year, I knew anyone I took on the pitching side would lose their job sooner than later if I was playing right.  With his 150th pick, Grey selects Danys Baez, a leading candidate for an Orioles rotation spot.  You heard me right, non-Orioles fans.  Baez might be an Orioles starter this year.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

ROUND 16 – Mark Buerhle.  Tried to balance all of the starters I was going to lose with a guy who can give me 200 lame innings.  There’s a chance I bench him until he gets cold.

ROUND 17 – Matt Harrison.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

ROUND 18 – Jamie Moyer.  Another innings eater-slash-guy you can’t believe is still a major league starter.

ROUND 19/20 – Chris Dickerson and Gerald Laird.   Dickerson’s a K machine, but he’s the only guy on my entire team with any downside.  I’ll be honest.  I might be patroling the waiver wire for a Dickerson replacement.  As for Laird, it’s really hard to resist taking an extra catcher.  They’re all so good!

ROUND 23/24 – Jesse Litsch and Mike Pelfrey.  Some of you may be sad to see these guys here because you have them on your regular fantasy teams.  Let’s just say, I’m hoping these guys stay healthy because they could be in for an awfully wonderful year.

ROUND 25/26/27 – Kevin Frandsen and Cristian Guzman and Gabe Gross.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.  Razztastic!