Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum.  Grey’s got Olympics fever!  Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito.  “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day!  Actually, I feel a little woozy too.”  That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics.  With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues.  On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks.  The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek.  Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.  

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them.  The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something.  Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms.  The most surprising thing in this story:  the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors.  After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock.  The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform.  At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek.  In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey.  That shizz was offensive!”  For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox.  That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach.  Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sorry for the stock jargon. Everyone who’s reading this is more than likely a DFS fan or someone who has some interest in it which means you probably have something outside of DFS that tickles some part of your brain that gets you into it. For me, besides being a fantasy baseball fan/player/’expert’/etc, I find the world of stocks to be an amazing measure of human psychology. Even the most intelligent people in the world never get into the market because, and I say this from experience, it’s tough man. And if you’re a DFS player who loves tourneys, I can guess that element of challenge of finding that perfect play or sneaky stack is what leads you to me. So with that, let me collage my mental stock and DFS droppings on to this here bloggy-site and say that Francisco Liriano is that falling knife I’m gonna try and catch tonight. On a slate full of good, expensive arms, Liriano is the 17th most expensive pitcher at $7,900. He’s just $500 more than Ricky Nolasco…yes, it’s been that bad for him of late. The last time Liriano was relevant for winning in DFS, it was May 6th. You had more hair back then and your wife thought this daily fantasy nonsense would pass over. Now you’re sitting in the red, all your possessions have been repo’d including your wife by that jerk Brad from high school and you’re sitting around in a wife beater with no underwear, smeared in peanut butter just trying to get your dog to…wow, that went a little too far. I swear it’s about my friend and not me! All this to say, I’m ready to give Francisco a chance on a night where he’ll more than likely get overlooked. The upside for 30 is still there, let’s see the chart start pointing up for him tonight. But enough of that, let’s move on to this: here’s my Warren Buffett hot taeks for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 6th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Hey, I’ll take two home runs from Khris Davis and be more than happy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’ll take one homer.  Gently farting in your direction, Prince Fielder.  Three homers?  Well that is too much for my little old heart.”  So began the monologue I told myself in my mirror last night.  I was wearing a fedora with a feather in it and no pants.  That’s added color for you to understand the scene.  Then, it was the ninth, the A’s in the lead and Davis’s night looked over with two homers until.  Dot dot dot.  Ian Desmond homered off Ryan Madson and sent the game into the bottom of the ninth inning.  Khris Davis came up to the plate, bases loaded, already with two homers on his scoresheet, could he hit one more?  Could my monologue presented to my reflection come to fruition?  Could my neighbors stop screaming for me to put on pants?  Yes on all three!  Finished the night with 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and three homers (9, 10, 11).  I had Davis ranked around eight rounds higher than anyone else because I thought he could easily hit 30 homers in an age when 30 homers doesn’t come that easily.  Has anything changed since the preseason?  Yeah, the date.  Dur.  I love Khris Davis and right now looks even better than his namelganger, Chris Davis.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A Duvall hasn’t looked this good since Popeye starring Robin Williams.  You thought I was going Robert Duvall and I steered it into Crazytown with Shelley Duvall.  By the way, don’t look at current pictures of Shelley Duvall.  She’s a Shelley of her former self.  I have a theory.  She had to do everything just so for Kubrick in The Shining, to the point where she couldn’t even think for herself, then she started working with Robert Altman, who was like, “Do whatever you like, improv,” and going from one extreme to the other drove her crazy.  I’d put money on it that this is the biggest update on Shelley Duvall you will ever get on a fantasy baseball website.  Any hoo!  Adam Duvall (1-for-4, and his 7th homer, hitting .284) has been crushing the ball for the last two weeks.  Now seven homers in 33 games.  Fluky, right?  Not so fast, Cousin Sweatpants.  Duvall hit 26 homers in only 100 games in Triple-A and 27 homers in 91 Double-A games.  He was always a power guy, just never really had a chance to play.  He’s now getting that chance and proving he can continue to hit homers.  Will he hit anything besides homers?  That’s yet to be seen, but I’d grab him in all leagues where I needed power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado.  The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.”  So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9).  He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention.  So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy?  I guess if he gets hurt.  Did I just jinx him?  What a Machado f**ker!  Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated.  Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Is he learning the English language?  Is he drunk?  Is he trying to say ‘drawer’ while drunk?  Did he have a stroke?  Does he just not know that the person he’s thinking of is an artist and he’s calling him a drawer?  Did he just have an operation on his teeth and he’s saying jewelry?  The jewelry drawer?  Does he have marbles in his mouth?  Rocks?  Gobstoppers?  Is he doing an insensitive impersonation of a speech impediment?  No, prematurely balding man, he’s trying to say the name Drury!  As in Brandon Drawer–Excuse me, Brandon Drury.   Yes, he’s about as hot as any hitter in the league and should be owned.  In the bigger picture, he had a .331 average in 63 games in Triple-A, and is only 23 years old, so, while he hasn’t shown great power in the minors, it could still be developing.  Is Drawer top shelf?  Too Drury to say.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The first month is in the books. Whew. And what a month it was. If I had the voice of Morgan Freeman, I’d be happy to record a summary of the fantasy baseball world in April. But, alas, I do not. Seriously, Freeman can make anything sound good. The thing I will miss the most is the daily fluctuations in roto league standings. Watching teams move up or down 10-20 points was exhilirating. It’s on the level of betting on greyhounds in Vegas. When will FanDuel get in on the action? Geez, I’m a freaking degenerate. By the way, nothing beats greyhound racing. Anyways, the point I wanted to make is that those huge gyrations should start mitigating. This is the time when certain stats start stabilizing. We must all pay homage to Russell Carleton, the Pizza Cutter, for his extensive research on stat stabilization. Click here for the stats. For perspective, the leader in plate appearances is Jean Segura with 116 and the leader in batters faced is Zack Greinke with 166. We should have a clearer picture of our teams and players now.

In this weekly column, I will highlight some players that have performed well over the past week. If I like them, Obama will make it rain. If I don’t, they get a whammy. If you are not familiar with whammies, please go and watch old episodes of the game show, Press Your Luck. The hope is that I can help you navigate the treacherous waters of fantasy baseball and have Obama make it rain for you at the end of the season. By the way, tips are not only encouraged but highly recommended. Not like those DFS guys that sell you lineups but don’t cash. I’m all about meritocracy. Don’t get paid unless you get paid. If you don’t win, I’d blame some other guy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Could this finally be Brett Lawrie‘s post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype breakout?  I don’t want to overrate or prorate or ameliorate a past inveterate obturate to eviscerate execrate, try not to hate, love your mate, mediate or flip through cards like Michael Hutchence forth, Sandoval’s girth, Andrelton’s not from this earth, movie remake that never went anywhere was North by North.  Yesterday, Lawrie went 3-for-3 with his third straight game with a homer, and he threw in a steal on Saturday, not a liar like James Frey, in Florida I need my mosquito spray, I have three albums by The Fray, said no one that wasn’t gay, which is totally okay.  I was very high on Lawrie in the preseason, and right now he’s on pace for 20+ HRs, 12-15 SBs and hitting .290.  On its own this would be implausible, laughable, impossible, insoluble in water, but he hit 16 homers last year, is only 26 years old and has easy 15-steal speed, so it’s not INXS of the possible.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I want to start talking about a little piece of OPS strategy that has worked for me over the years.  This works for AVG and OBP Leagues but I think works especially well for OPS leagues.  I call it: “Pair two players (PTP).”  Sexy, I know.  Usually it’s the combination of a power guy (say Giancarlo Stanton) with a speed guy (say Billy Hamilton).  Simple, yet efficient.  Giancarlo Hamilton, as it were.  Other examples: Edwin Pillar, Ender Rizzo, Lorenzo Abreu, make up your own! It’s fun.

Please, blog, may I have some more?