You might be saying to yourself, “Really, is this guy trying to sell me Yonder Alonso? A no-power corner on the Padres no less?” I guess. I mean, if you want, you can save your money and invest in pogs. Or, you can hear me out. I enjoy a challenge, and it looks like I have a lot of time on my hands since, apparently, I gave up sex for lent. That doesn’t include my dakimakura though. I should note that kissing someone, excuse me, something, that doesn’t move is quite awkward. Not to mention the whole situation can get a bit messy. But that’s neither here or there. Well, it’s here, but it shouldn’t be there. Unless you want it to be. Then, you know, bewbs or GTFO.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred. Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will. Santos was made for this job. He’s a cyborg. A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada. Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts. Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick. Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP. Who are you, Carlos Marmol? I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K. Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith. Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t. Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted. I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood. If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares. Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings. I don’t blame him. The GM questions his defense. The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him. Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts. Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!” I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines. If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers. If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now. Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher. Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it. So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value. Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year? I suppose, loyal Razzball reader. But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price. Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering. This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge. Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist? Did Feliciano come in with a left hook? Did R.A.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law. That’s going to make for awkward holidays. Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day. Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle. During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife. Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.” K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails. Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff. His backups in no particular order: Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think. Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush. Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush. Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it? And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year. 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks. Though not everyone was impressed. When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.” Did Morrow go near-no-no vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ohmigod, Grey’s totally going against Rudy’s risky pitcher post? They are so fighting. I hope Rudy rips off Grey’s stache. $5 says it’s not real. Uh-hum. I can hear you, random italicized voice. I’m actually typing you! My bad. So, yes, Jon Lester is a risky pitcher. But at this point, he’s also a buy. His ERA’s 6.31. That’s ridunkiculous from where it should be. He’s pitching well (minus some ill-timed long balls), tremendous K-rate, solid walk rate. A pitcher who is pitching well and has a 6.31 ERA is such a crazy buy, that I wouldn’t be surprised if his owners weren’t even selling. But, on the other hand, they’re smarting from his earned runs. They may see LaTroy Hawkins or Jason Bartlett and be like, “Hey, Lester’s killing me, why not take a guy that at least has been good?” That’s why you prey on those suckas. This is why you have brass balls and you just chucked one at your mean lady neighbor who keeps bugging you when you turn the Dropkick Murphys to eleven and put it on repeat. I’m a sailor peg!!! And I lost my leg!!! I love that song. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Lester — get him, within reason. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy and Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Duchscherer – If he’s on waivers and you can stash him on your DL, stash away.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Orioles love their ex-Cubbies so they decided to sample some of their Pecan’t Pie rather than just hand the LF job to Nolan Reimold. As with most of these rookies, a lot depends on starting jobs. And Reimold doesn’t have one. Yet. So who’s blocking Reimold? Luke Scott? Who are you, Luke Scott? A 30-something prospect? Luke Scott must’ve called Matt Stairs for advice on how to prolong a major league career that should’ve ended years ago. Go to the DL, Luke. (He’s not there yet, but maybe if we all hold our breath. What Razzballers want, Razzballers get!) Then there’s Felix Pee-ay, who is crap-ay. He was hurt in yesterday’s game. Not to mention, many think his ship has already come and gone for prospect status. If Reimold emerges from this O’s left fielder mess, he’s a slugger who we think could hit for power without costing you too much in the average department. The nice thing about Reimold compared to a rookie pitcher — say, I don’t know, Hochevar!Please, blog, may I have some more?
But the White Sox were able to go back-to-back-to-back-to-back. That’s quadrupling your pleasure. Or double-double-headed. Which makes you say whoopee for fantasy baseball, right? Seriously, you say whoopee. Yeah, you do. You and Bob Eubanks. But if someone asks you the most romantic place you’ve ever made whoopee, don’t say, “Up the butt.” Now there was something in the middle of this landmark real baseball feat that you should take notice of — Paul Konerko.Please, blog, may I have some more?