Fantasy Baseball Advice

Chien-Ming Wang – the two-time 19 game winner – is pitching historically bad.  How bad?  Some TV highlight show quoted some statistical service that the 15 earned runs he’s given up in the past 2 starts are the most ever for a Yankee pitcher’s first two starts of the year.  For fantasy purposes, he’s more toxic than Chinese air, waterways, and land combined.  As for Ted Lilly, you have to respect a guy who can overcome the ignominy of being traded for Hideki Irabu and Jeff Weaver.  He’s been a very underrated late game starter for the past two years with the Cubs. Today, he went 6 and 2/3, giving up only one hit.  Not to take anything away from Lilly, but the conditions were lousy at Wrigley for hitters.  If Ubaldo didn’t walk 6 batters in less than 4 innings, the Cubs wouldn’t have scored as many runs either.  We think Lilly’s risky for this year as he’s been relying a bit too much on breaking pitches.  But it’s not as if the Cubs training staff hasn’t had experience with sore-armed pitchers (see Prior, Wood, Harden)… Oh, and Wang?  We’re very worried about him.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – I feel bad saying I told you so when someone’s not going well, but I told you so… Actually, that didn’t feel that bad.  Schadenfreude, you make me feel good!

Fausto Carmona – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Okay, I didn’t say to stay away from this schmohawk and it feels awful.  Damn you, karma!

Orlando Hudson – Orlando is living it up in LA.  Disneyworld meet Disneyland!  O-Dog used up his month’s offense production in one day as he hit for the cycle.  O-Dog’s about as hot as they come these last few days.  Is he worth owning?  Sure, I suppose.  He’s a 10/10 hitter with a decent average.  There’s a place for that but I’d prefer a 2nd baseman that could get you 25-40 steals.  One thing I will say is Hudson seems like he’s running more in the early going with 3 steals already in the first week.  But his career high in steals is 10.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs yesterday.  Nice!  Now twist an ankle or something so Kemp could slowly start working his way up the lineup.  Aw, you know I’m just playin’, Ethier.  I love ya! (Actually, I don’t really, but I’m semi-rambling.)

Zach Duke – Shutout? Shuddup!  The Astros are not a very good offensive team. (Which seems like a complaint for them for the last so many years.  Maybe they might want to think about upgrading that.  Just a thought!)  Duke’s fine for an NL-Only league flier.  In mixed leagues, it’s Zach Puke.

Cristian Guzman – My Fantasy Razzball team (and really it’s all about me) took some hits (literally!) yesterday as Guzman went 5-for-5 then limped off the field.  He surprised last year by maintaining a .300 average and staying relatively healthy after failing to do either in his last years with Minnesota.  I was banking on a regression but not on the health part… There is nothing more frustrating then losing a guy on a Monday in a weekly league.  I should’ve just left Belliard in there… Wait, is that my inner monologue?  My bad.

Jesse Litsch – Left with forearm tightness. Another guy I had on my team that I want to suck.  I don’t think highly of Litsch, but would’ve been nice to see him stay healthy.  He’ll be out a few starts is my guess.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m not defending Pelfrey because I don’t like him this year, but he did give up some bleeders and bloops.  Cust kayin’.

Jon Lester – 11 runs in 2 starts.  He was a risky pitcher too (in addition to Pelfrey).

Zach Greinke – 2-0, no earned runs thus far.  Because our dipolma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston says we have to report when we’re wrong 17% of the time, Greinke was a risky pitcher too.  Maybe trade him if you think we might still be right.

Matt Holliday – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  Batting between Giambi and Garciaparra is really paying off! *sarcasm off*

B.J. Upton – Matt Joyce sent down as The Beej returned to action with a two steal night.  Good to have the Bossman back in town.

Carlos Pena – HR and 6 RBIs. *Random observation that is neither funny nor that enlightening alert* Pena reminds me of Delgado.

Ryan Franklin – First Save last night.  He will get more.  As far back as March 17th, I’ve been saying Franklin will get saves.  I’m not going to link to all the times I said it.  Just search in the search-a-ma-jig on the left.

Travis Snider – 2 HRs.  Still like Lind better, but I also like anyone who’s hitting two home runs in a game.  Even you, Ethier!

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  Since last summer, I’ve said he’s headed for the 2009 NL Cy Young.  The Verducci guy clinked the armor, but I’m still holding tight.

Milton Bradley – Out a few days with a right groin strain.  How appropriate since he’s a jerkoff.

Justin Upton – O-for-the season.  The ‘Backs have too many options for him to continue on the path of ugly.  He’s going to be a good one, but it may not be the first half of the year.  Or this year at all.  Color me worried.

Jermaine Dye/Paul Konerko – Back to back 300th HRs.  According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two players hit back to back 300th homers.  Actually, they didn’t say that… Well, they might’ve.  I have no idea.  Another thing possibly heard today in the Elias Sports Bureau office, in Accounting, Julio said, “Who took my pen for the third time this month?  Which is a new record!”

DeWayne Wise – Separated shoulder and out 6 weeks. This also really hurt my Fantasy Razzball team.  Wise looked like he was headed for one of the all-time worst years ever if Ozzie would’ve continued to play him.  And that’s a small “if,” because of course Ozzie was playing him.  Alas…  This opens up the centerfield job for the Jerry Owens promotion (SAGNOF, but he’s a truly crappy player) or Brian Anderson (poor average, some pop, not much to see here either).  This could also mean Ozzie moves Alexei Ramirez up the order.  Honestly, Alexei hasn’t done much to deserve it so that could mean Ozzie does move him up.  Oh, who are we fooling?  Ozzie’s going to continue to plug Wise into the top of the order, DL be damned!

Jed Lowrie – To the 15-Day DL.  Oh, well.  He’s done.  Feel free to cut him loose.  Probably the best thing that could’ve happened so you can move on from him sooner vs. later.  (BTW, Sooner vs. Later battled to a draw last time out in the octagon.)

After the top 20 outfielders for 2009 fantasy baseball, there’s so many more outfielders to rank I need to turn this sucka to 40.  This is after already going over all of our other 2009 fantasy baseball rankings.  Since this is such a deep position, this list of 2009 outfielders could go to 60.  Crazy, right?  That’s not crazy as in crazy, but crazy as in, “Huh.  Um.  Okay.”  When I’m done with all of the top 20 and top 40 lists, I’m going to do a top 100 and top 300 overall.  That’s right, ya’ll; wonderful just gave birth to awesome.  Now before we get into our top 40 outfielder list, here’s our 2009 Fantasy Baseball Player Rater and our list of all the players with multiple position eligibility.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2009 fantasy baseball:

21. Corey Hart – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 20 outfielders post that started at Rios.  This tier ends here.  Flameout, that’s what Hart was towards the end of 2008 and his approach at the plate says this is exactly what we should be expecting.  Hart is susceptible to occasional droughts of unusability (SAT Word!), but he has a hair of upside so he ended up in this tier.  2009 Projections:  75/22/80/.275/20

22. Vladimir Guerrero -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes all the way down to Double I.  I call this tier, “You know what you’re getting and don’t expect any upside in this tier.  They are what they are.”   Sadly, Vladdy got old real fast.  He went from a 40/20 Clemente to a 27/5 Dawson in a two year time period.  2009 Projections:  85/27/100/.310/5

23. Adam Dunn -  40 home runs.  Every year.   Like clockwork.  A big, roly-poly clock with a lack of motivation according to J.P. Ricciardi.  Dunn’s average was a bit lower than it should’ve been for his career BABIP, but that’s like saying your crap smells a bit worse when you eat Thai food.  2009 Projections:  80/40/85/.245/5

24. Magglio Ordonez – I haven’t liked Mags since ’02.  I’m just not a fan of guys that max out under 30 HRs and have no speed.  There’s some argument to made that he’s better than Vladdy at this point, but I’m not here to make arguments for guys I don’t like.   2009 Projections:  85/24/105/.310/3

25. Bobby Abreu – At some point Abreu’s going to be a 15/15 guy with the downside of 12/12.  You really don’t want to be the last one to leave and shut off the lights on the Abreu 20/20 party.  2009 Projections:  110/17/100/.300/20

26. Johnny Damon – He got a bit lucky last year with his numbers.  He’s not quite a .300 hitter.  From there, you could just read what I wrote for Abreu then subtract a bit of power and it’s Damon.  He’s a 17/20 guy just as easily as he’s a 12/17 guy or as I like to call him, Johnny DeJesus.  2009 Projections:  105/15/70/.285/20

27. Jermaine Dye – Dye is Vladdy minus thirty points on average and a bit more power.  There’s a time and a fantasy team for Dye.  But what fun is a 2nd outfielder with no upside? Not a not a not a, not a damn thing.   What’s Duke Ellington without that swing?  2009 Projections:  80/30/90/.275/3

28. Raul Ibanez – A big part of me wanted to put Ibanez in the below tier with Burrell, but his move to the Phillies lineup and that ballpark has me a bit more excited, i.e., he was yawnstipating and now he’s only midly so.  2009 Projections:  85/25/110/.290/3

29. Vernon Wells – If owning Vernon Wells causes you to have an erection for longer than 15 minutes, you might want to seek a doctor.  2009 Projections:  85/24/95/.280/7

30. Torii Hunter – His HRs peaked at 31 in ’06 and there’s no reason to think he’s going to get above that number.  He’s Abreu with less stability on average and I’s instead of a Y.  2009 Projections:  85/24/85/.275/17

31. Jay Bruce – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Pence.  This tier I like to call, “They might not do anything but strikeout a lot, but they’re worth the risk.”  When Jay Bruce was called up to the majors, he did a Triple Lindy into the hearts of fantasy owners.  Then people called him a nipple-ringed bust.  Well, don’t let last year scare you away from Jay Bruce in 2009.  2009 Projections:  85/30/90/.280/10

32. Ryan Ludwick – There was some discussion on the Josh Hamilton in 2009 post about Ludwick’s potential.  Rudy said this, “(Ludwick’s) K rate is 27% which is well above (Carlos) Quentin (16%) and (Carlos) Lee (11%). Ludwick’s .299 last year was a fluke (.349 BABIP) – with his swing and miss rate, he’s a better bet for .250 than .300.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!   2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.275/3

33. Krispie Young – Unlike the Diamondbacks last year, you don’t want Krispie on the same team as Dunn, but as a cheap 25/20 guy Krispie’s got value.   2009 Projections:  80/25/80/.245/20

34. Brad Hawpe – Hawpe’s splits in 2008 against lefties weren’t as dramatic as they were in the past, but even if you want to slot him in only against righties in daily leagues, he’s worth the draft pick.  He’s nothing flashy, but he’s solid without any severe downside.  2009 Projections:  70/30/95/.280

35. Hunter Pence – Leaving the plate from April through June of last year, Pence says, “Make adjustments, stupid!”  In the 2nd half of the season, Pence says, “Now you’re cooking with gas.”  I’m not sure if he is completely done struggling yet, but if Pence was completely out of the woods, would it make a sound?  Yup, a pretty big one.  2009 Projections:  85/28/95/.275/10

36. Pat Burrell – Here we are in another tier.  This tier goes down to Drew.  I call this tier, “You know exactly what you’re getting, and you’re getting less than the last tier where you knew exactly what you were getting.”  You can see why I wanted to place Ibanez in this tier.  Anyway… With Pat Burrell, you get 30 HRs and a .250 average.  2009 Projections:  70/30/85/.250

37. Milton Bradley – With Milton Bradley, you’re getting a headcase that is not going to give you more than 400 ABs.  The great thing about Bradley going the distance (more or less) last year was we were able to see what he’s capable of.  He’s capable of 22 HRs and 5 steals. Um, okay.  2009 Projections:  60/18/75/.290/4

38. J.D. Drew – J.D. Drew, Nomar Garciaparra and Rickie Weeks get onto your crosscountry flight, do you get off?  2009 Projections:  80/22/75/.280/5

39. Carlos Gomez -  Now for the last tier of the top 40 outfielders for 2009.  I call this last tier, “Probably not the 39th thru 41nd most valuable outfielders, but I’m just pointing out some upside guys.”  There’s a chance for 10 HRs and 40 steals with CarGo.  Granted, his average might be tremendously bleh.  I wasn’t crazy about CarGo last year, and I’m not completely sold on him yet, but a sleeper is a sleeper is a sleeper.  I could have wrote Denard Span here instead of Gomez, but he’s not as exciting to me.   2009 Projections:  90/10/60/.260/40

40. Lastings Milledge – At some point early on last year, I said get rid of Milledge.  He’s not ready yet.  He needs more time to season and absorb some of his juices.  Of course, Bowden left him on the grill for those first four months, and, by August, Milledge started to finally cook.  2009 Projections:  75/18/90/.280/20

After the top 40 outfielders for 2009 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names, but here’s two that stand out:

Cameron Maybin – I already went over a Maybin 2009 post so I’m not going to belabor the point.  Let me just say, SAGNOF.  Okay, I’ll say one more thing, Ellsbury in 2008.  2009 Projections:  85/5/50/.280/40

Delmon Young – He has only 26 HRs in over 1300 ABs.  Well, this is supposed to be in favor of him so ignore that.  Young is a hot head that hasn’t shown an ounce of potential.  Oops, that’s not positive either.  Um, he’s still only 23.  There, that’s positive!  And he can throw a bat at an ump harder than anyone else.  Shoot, there I go again.  2009 Projections:  70/15/85/.295/15

Last night I took part in my third mock draft over at Mock Draft Central.  Going into this mock draft, I figured I’d try to draft a mock team to mock win.  Pretty out there, I know.  That’s how I mock roll!  I didn’t necessarily follow my 2009 fantasy baseball rankings to a T.  What fun is mocking if you don’t take some (mock) liberties. This mock’s participants were some of the finest fantasy baseball ‘perts in the fantasy baseball bidness.  Below the pretty picture of my drafted team is, as always, the notes I took while mock drafting:

1st Round – Miguel Cabrera.  Two Mets off the board with the 1st two picks.  Obviously Ralph Kiner paid off some of these ‘perts.  Hey, no illusions of grandeur here.  I can be bought too.

2nd Round – Carlos Beltran.  I’m eyeing Chase Utley.  Oh, he looks real nice at the 17th pick.  Scooped!  The ‘pert right before me grabbed Utley and I was left with Beltran.  Some picks I didn’t like in this round were Pedroia, Manny and Ichiro.

3rd Round – Carlos Quentin.  Wow, Santana held around for a while. I think that’s just a sign that this is a mock draft.  I doubt that has much real world significance, but if you see Johan in the third round by all means grab him.  Honestly, I didn’t like my choices in the 3rd round.  I almost took Lincecum, but didn’t want a pitcher yet.  I don’t want Morneau or Bay this early.  I considered Phillips long and hard and almost took him.

4th Round – Jake Peavy.  I have a whole post coming up about Peavy.  This is just another sign of this “What have you done for me lately?” attitude.  Sure, Peavy wasn’t incredible in 2008.  Guess what, ya’ll?  It’s 2009.  Picks I didn’t like in this round were Ortiz, Furcal, Vlad and K-Rod.

5th Round – Alexei Ramirez.  I’ve suddenly become a South Sider with these picks.  Usually I’d hold off on a MI, but I’m trying to zag on my own usual zigging at times to see what I come up with.  Picks I didn’t like in the 5th round — Mike Jacobs.  Zoinks!

6th Round – Chris Davis.  During this pick, I went to the bathroom and Bill James drafted for me.  Atkins, Zimmerman, Huff and Cantu were staring me in the face.  I went with an upside pick, as I did with my last three picks.  I don’t think I can go with an upside pick for the next five or so rounds.

7th Round & 8th Round – Jermaine Dye and Derrek Lee.  The kind of safe picks I was talking about in the 6th round.  I’ve just about righted the ship from my upside picks.  Now I’m looking for a pitcher.

9th Round – Chad Billingsley.  Guess who’s staring at me in the face?  Billingsley.  My pre-preseason Cy Young pick, who I’m slightly worried about because of his increase in innings in 2008.  He’s not the absolute safest pick like I was thinking about, but this value is way too great.  Some other pitchers I could’ve drafted here were Lackey, Burnett, Lester and Dice-K.  I think this is just ‘perts telling their readers to not draft pitchers and then them showing everyone how they don’t draft pitchers.  I don’t draft pitchers early either, but this group of mockers is extreme.  In your league, you’re going to have to draft some of the pitchers that went in the 9th and 10th rounds before then if you want them.  A pick I didn’t like in this round, Polanco.  Think about the difference in value between Billingsley and Polanco.

10th Round – Pat Burrell.  There were a lot of great picks in this round.  Soria, Joba, Dice-K and Burnett.  Admittedly, I probably did the worst this round, but I wanted safe power.

11th Round – Jonathan Broxton. Ignore the previous year’s saves when drafting your closer.  Just make sure he has the job for the upcoming year.  Broxton had 88 Ks last year. He could easily be the number one closer in 2009 and I just drafted him in the 11th round.  K-Rod went in the 4th round.

13th Round – Adam Wainwright.  Honestly, I think I have the best pitching staff right now, but pitching is unpredictable so this staff could blow up in my face.

15th Round – Justin Upton.  Looking to head back to the OF after taking some pitchers.  My choices here aren’t great, but I’ll take my chances with Krispie Young – Scooped!  I end up taking his OF-mate.  I’m not thrilled with this pick, but Upton’s upside is huge for the 15th round.  A pick I really liked this round was Conor Jackson.  I wasn’t crazy about the Posada, Huston Street or Mark Reynolds picks.  Not that I wouldn’t draft them, just not here.  Not now.

17th Round – Chad Qualls.  My pick is pretty self-explanatory.  At least I hope it is.  The Diamondbacks are saying Qualls is the closer.  Don’t worry about who you think should be the closer, just go with who the club puts in the role.  You’ll save yourself lots of headaches (pun was noted and groaned at).

18th Round – Miguel Tejada.  I realize he’s not juicing anymore but him falling to the 18th round is kinda ridiculous.

21st Round – Fred Lewis.  Actually kinda of surprised to still see him on the board when I was drafting in the 21st round.  My team was also lacking steals, so this was the smartest pick left for me without having to grab Juan Pierre.

22nd Round – Chris Snyder.  Not a huge fan of Snyder’s, but Jeff Clement went in the 16th round.

Our boy Timmy took a Lincecumbacker to the knee. Not good if you’ve been riding his amazing 12-3 record (for the Giants?!?!), sub 3.00 ERA, and 10 K/9 IP.  He hobbled out of the game.  We’ll have to see if he’s as bad off as our other favorite Timmy but start scouting pitchers just in case.

In other injury news, there is the Flyin’ Hawaiian and The Overrated Mulatto. Shane Victorino came out of yesterday’s game with stiffness in his back, while Jeter left the game with a foot injury after fouling a ball off it earlier in the game. Both players are listed as day to day, which is sports journalist code for “I have no idea.” I wish I could get away with this in my every day life. Are you going to pickup dinner? Day to day. What’s that sore on your lip? Day to day. Why are you peeing on my leg? Day to day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford – It’s official. He’s done. Off to have surgery. This is probably a blessing for your team in some leagues. Crawford wasn’t having the best year, yet you had to start him because he was Crawford. Buh-bye.

Evan Longoria – I’d expect him to miss the rest of the season too, but the Rays are saying he should be back by September 1st.

David Ortiz – 2 HRs in the 1st inning with 6 RBIs. It’s the kind of inning that makes owners drool. Ortiz is now on pace for 430 HRs and 1.7 million RBIs for the rest of the year. He might fall short. Let’s not forget he did hit the HRs against Scott Feldman. If you’re not familiar with the name, that means you’re not related to Scott Feldman. Congratulations. Let’s not forget, Part II: The Return of More Deflating News From Grey, Ortiz was just complaining of a sore wrist.

Emilio Bonifacio – Since going 8-for-18, he’s gone 0-for-20. If he keeps going from feast to famine like this, the Nats might have to make Bonifacio watch the very special episode of The Facts of Life when Blair had an eating disorder.

Randy Johnson – 7 starts, 6 wins, 1.58 ERA and a .85 WHIP. Obviously, he’s ownable in every league. Even two team leagues where the other guy’s already quit.

Jermaine Dye – Hit his 28th HR yesterday. I picked him up off waivers in my 15 team ‘pert league back in April, but I’ve since traded him and Kouzmanoff to the ghost of George Carlin, which I kinda regret.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday after hitting only two since July 1st. He was due for a cold spell. Too bad he’s not injury prone like Chipper so you could’ve just replaced him for a month or two.

Felipe Lopez – Landed in perhaps the only place where he could actually have value, St. Louis. If LaRussa can turn Aaron Miles, Adam Kennedy and Cesar Izturis into serviceable nine hitters, he might make Lopez into a decent number 2. And a “decent number two” is exactly what Lopez is.

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks. Has only struckout ten or more batters in a game twice this year. Cust kayin’.

Pedro Feliciano – Won the bullpen paper, rock scissors and got the save.

Mike Cameron/Jody Gerut – Two Carlos Lee replacements, two home runs yesterday.

Austin Kearns – 2-for-4 with a steal. My third Carlos replacement.

Juan Rivera – HR yesterday. I don’t currently have him on a team, but he might be heating up again after hitting well in July. (He was not good in August thus far.)

Brad Ziegler – Save yesterday. Officially the A’s closer and he’s pitched 38 straight scoreless innings.

Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. After watching him pitch well last week (minus the first inning), I held onto him and was rewarded tonight with Savviest Fantasy Baseball Owner for August 12th. First, I wanna thank God. Without him, none of this would be possible. Second, I wanna thank Yahoo for having Gio Gonzalez in your database. We had some touch and go moments this season, but you came through when I needed you. Third, I wanna thank Aaron Cook for shitting the bed a couple of starts in a row and forcing me to pick a pitcher off waivers.

Gary Sheffield – 2 HRs yesterday. He obviously hit these homers because he was pissed off he was being placed on waivers. Can’t they hire someone to come into the locker room to insult Sheff? “Yo mama is so fat, she can only fit into a throwback Cecil Fielder jersey.” Maybe they can get Wilmer Valderrama.

Mark Reynolds/Krispie Young/Adam Dunn – .246/.235/.235/ respectively. Stinker to Whatevers to Fat Chance.

Today, I noticed my diploma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston was a bit dusty and hanging crooked. So, I removed it from the wall, gave it a spit shine, polished the wood frame and fixed the wire so it would hang straight. Before I returned it to its rightful place next to my framed TV Guide cover of Miss Piggy and Kermit, I took a hard look at that diploma. I thought back on of all my classes with Matthew Berry, who insistently hit on all of the undergrads, male or female. I reminisced about hanging in the CFB quad with Rudy as we hacky-sacked and discussed a classmate’s trade of Alfonso Soriano for Dustin Hermanson. I remember being young and free and unable to get laid. Now many years later, and still unable to get laid, I miss those days. I miss the carefree attitude. The excitement I felt when a player would get hot and I would think he can hit .800 for the year. Or the frustration when a first round pick went 1-for-5. “Why can’t they go 4-for-5 every day,” I would yell at Prof. Berry. Alas, the highs and lows are gone. But, thankfully, in its place is patience. So now I know Robinson Cano refuses to hit in the first half of the season. This season is no different. Last year, post All-Star Break he went 53/13/57/.343. Pre-All-Star break, in almost 50 more at-bats, he went 40/6/40/.274 and three of those home runs came in July. In ’06, more of the same shizz. This would make him a prime Buy Low guy. Hmm… Maybe those fourteen years weren’t wasted getting my CFB diploma. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Troy Percival – As mentioned in the comments yesterday, Percy hurt himself and Wheeler came in to finish out the game. If Wheeler’s gone, go for Reyes if you have room.

Melky Cabrera – Of course he goes 2-for-4 on my bench. I love your name, Melky, I hate what you do to me.

Joba Chamberlain – He’s going to make his first major league start next Tuesday. This is subject to verification because I heard it from the Orioles announcers, who also manage to find positives about Mora, Millar and Ramon/Luis Hernandez, so they’re not that reliable. Though I will say they are a lot better than the YES announcers. Seriously, when I was a kid we had Rizzuto calling a black guy White and talking about huckleberries. This is not nostalgia talking. Scooter got into the Hall of Fame because of that nonsense (not officially, but still). Where have all of the good announcers gone? YES, I’m talking to you, Michael Kay.

Andy Pettitte – Rudy swears by this guy in deep leagues. I think Rudy’s caca-cuckoo. You make the call!

Adam Wainwright – You know what Wednesday means, right? Top Chef and The Real World: Hollywood! It also means a bunch of my pitchers went today, but I guess that’s more of a coincidence than anything. Wainwright does no wrong! It’s kind of a pun. Now groan!

Jeremy Guthrie – Another Grey pitcher!  I like him more than most and less than his Mom. Go figure!

Zach Greinke – Rudy gave me this schmohawk for Melky. Rudy has since dropped Melky. Wow, who’s winning this trade? Rudy’s been Greinke’d! (Yes, it’s a verb now.)

Jermaine Dye – Hit a home run yesterday. Last month, I picked him off waivers in my ‘pert league. I thought it was a bit crazy at the time that he was dropped, but since then Granderson’s been traded for Johan, and Rios was dropped by a team that held onto David DeJesus, so you just never know.

Chase Utley – You want regrets? I have a few. One is not having Utley in any league. I think I only could’ve had him in one league because of where I drafted. Alas… Nothing.

Jose Reyes – He’s at 7/16 and .279. Weren’t people saying he’s having a bad year? I love Reyes. (BTW, wouldn’t it be great if someone drafted Jose A. Reyes with their first pick? “What do you mean he’s only elgibile at catcher? He’s 0-for-his last two seasons? No, there’s got to be some kind of mistake. Wait, I’ll take a Molina!” “Which one?” “Um…. Alfred?”)

Cody Ross – 2 home runs. I wonder if his last name used to be Rosenweig.

Jo-Jo Reyes – Another guy I’m fond of, but I don’t have him any leagues. Yet.

Jason Giambi – Here’s my theory: they tested Giambi for ‘roids in April.

Joe Saunders – 5 ER in 5 IP. There’s a correction to ease your trigger finger about picking him up.

Jake Peavy – Had a promising sideline throwing session and might be back as early as this weekend. Figure he’ll be out at least 10 more days but, nonetheless, this is best case news for Peavy owners. This might be the last time you can get Peavy at a discount.

Pitching – We’d rave more about Bedard, Halladay, Harden, and Zambrano if it weren’t for the fact that Lowe, Wakefield, and Suppan also pitched well. You know it’s an odd day when San Francisco scores more than both teams combined in the majority of games.

Travis Hafner – He’s shown nothing so far and is playing with a bum shoulder (2 cortisone shots and counting). Evidently sore shoulders are harder to play with than high-grade tears of the elbow. When you start your career as a 27-year old DH, the clock’s ticking and it’s already a quarter to 12. Like a comet with a really big head, Pronk appeared out of nowhere, shone brightly, and seems to be disappearing just as fast.

Rafael Soriano – Picture John Smoltz is Nic Cage. Now picture Soriano is a bird. Okay, now picture Manny Acosta is a brown jacket. Finally, Will Ohman is a grey shirt. Okay, here’s the Braves closing picture.

J.R. Towles – 109 AB hitting .147. No SB. Makes you long for the salad days of Brad Ausmus.

Bowden Fluffer (noun) – A young, nubile outfielder that gets one all excited about their 5 tools but never fulfills the promise. See Justin Upton (May=.203, 1 HR, 34 Ks), Adam Jones, Cameron Maybin, Felix Pie, et. al.