Fantasy Baseball Advice

It’s always fun when a player is traded from one team to another and doesn’t gain or lose any value whatsoever.  Can’t wait for Moneyball:  The Movie.  After the last image of Billy Beane patting Scott Hatteberg on the butt, the screen fades.  Over black, we read:  After three straight sub-.500 years, Billy Beane, still finding value where no one else is, traded for Conor Jackson, who failed to impress anyone ever but had a career .358 On Base Percentage.  (I imagine Hollywood would spell out OBP.)  Not one dry eye in the entire theater.  Of course, the only ones in the theater are A’s fans, nevertheless!  Pursue Jackson timidly in AL-Only leagues.  Meanwhile, Gerardo Parra will take over for CoJo.  This Parra doesn’t walk people, he runs.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t run enough to make him that interesting in mixed leagues.  Parra’s upside is 7 homers, 15 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he can be grabbed in NL-Only leagues.  In most mixed leagues, I think there’s gotta be someone more suave than Gerardo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Heilman – Will officially take over for Qualls.  Every since Qualls had kneecap n’ crunch last year, he hasn’t seemed right.  Hinch says he’ll let Qualls work in non-pressure situations so he can regain the closer role down the road.  So in leagues where you were hoping to lose him, Qualls once again provides no relief.  Pun point!

Chris Resop – Braves called up Resop because they had no choice due to an out-clause in his contract.  Resop dominated Triple-A to the tune of 1.84 ERA and 81 Ks in 73 1/3 innings.  Right now, he’s nothing more than a middle reliever that gave up 5 earned runs in 2 innings yesterday.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Word is that he’s retiring after this year.  Hopefully he’s not put in charge of the kids’ carpool.  Young lady, don’t for a second think I’m going to believe you were late to school because your father pulled a hammy pouring orange juice.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 and batting near .400 in the last week.  He provides light power and speed, so even a warm Melky will put you to sleep outside of deep leagues.

Chad Billingsley – Placed on the DL with a strained groin.  I blame Alyssa Milano.

Manny Ramirez – Now 6 for his last 8 with 2 homers in his last five games.  This reminds me of what Carlos Lee did recently.  I don’t think Manny’s completely done.  He will get to 25 homers, so now’s as good a time as any.

Matt Lindstrom – Dealing again with back issues from men’s fitness.  Lyon’s the pickup in the mean’s while.  BTW, I wrote the last sentence in a British accent.  Ta!

Justin Masterson -  7 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s of little consolation, but Jason Donald should’ve been charged with 4 of his runs.  If you can’t hit, at least try and field.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many infield hits in one game.  Wright had an infield single that scored two runners.  I watched it and I’m not even sure how it’s possible.

Travis Hafner – Usually the only reason to own Hafner is to use his head to crack open walnuts, but he has 4 homers in his last 6 games.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  Leyland is so gooftarded that he hit Raburn leadoff.  A guy with a .242 OBP and a .165 average.  Why did he do this?  Because Raburn was playing centerfield for Austin Jackson, who usually hits leadoff.  Somebody please give Leyland some Liquid Paper so he can change around his lineup card.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  The line looks okay, but I watched the game and he was pretty touch and go like your Uncle who has to register when he moves.

Mark Teixeira – He hit a pop-up that went out for a homer.  The Sphinx sitting in front of Yankee Stadium asks, how is Teixeira hitting .229 with only 10 homers in that park?

Milton Bradley – Hit his 3rd homer in his last 5 games.  I’d grab him in leagues where you need a hot outfielder.  BTW, Milton’s name was the 666th word of this post.  Red rum!

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After giving up 6 runs in the first two innings, he battled back to make the line look less hideous.  Though the aim of “less hideous” probably wasn’t your goal when owning Ervin.  Or to be time appropriate, goooooooal.

Jeff Suppan – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Suppan would’ve pitched the 5th but Dave Duncan, using all his powers for a respectable 4 innings, self-combusted.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Colby tells me where I can shove my HR/FB%.

C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks.  You may be wondering how someone can walk that many in a 6 inning game and only give up 2 earned.  Easy.  It was an interleague game in an NL park.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks offah Yawkey.  You shouldn’t have started him here anyway.

Pedro Alvarez – Latest news that I’ve heard is he’s starting today.  If you know better, get smug.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 with 3 steals.  I love winning steals in H2H on the first full day of games.  That is all.

Matt Tolbert – Hit a home run.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and a RBI.  Just pick him up and see where it takes you.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Steve Stone demanded Colvin get more time, Piniella pretended like it was his idea and Colvin’s responding.

David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday even with Simon back.  After watching Hernandez hit 96 MPH, I kinda think the O’s should just stay with him.  He has more closery stuff, but he is wild as any turkey ever was.  I’d continue to hold both Hernandez and Simon until someone emerges.

Brian Roberts – Out for another 6 weeks.  Maybe he’s trying to save up his energy for his run at 2011′s Comeback Player honors.  Even after 6 weeks, he still has to go to the minors to rehab, which is a chance to reinjure himself.  Then if he does play for the O’s, he’s not going to be stealing like he would.  If you got a mediocre 30 games from him this year, I’d be impressed.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with a homer and hitting .342 over his last ten games.  It’s not Player of the Month-type gas, but at least he’s cooking with something.

Joe Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Can’t believe the Giants chose Joe Martinez instead of Bumgarner.  Shouldn’t he be Jose Martinez?  Or Joe Martin?

Felipe Paulino – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks and 6 fantasy owner’s teeth that he kicked in.

Todd Helton – I saw the box score and it read Helton (2, 6th inning blah blah blah) and I was like, “Wow, Helton hit two homers,” then I realized I read it wrong and he only has 2 homers on the year.  Maybe Helton and Chipper can alternate carpool days.  BTW, I have a new feature that I want implemented into all box scores.  In-game box scores should have a little symbol that indicates who is in line for the Win.  Can be an asterisk, I don’t care.  But when it’s a 5-4 game in the 8th and both starters are out, I want to know who’s in line for the Win.  I don’t know how we get this implemented.  But I want it now!

Clay Buchholz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whoa, I’m having a vision of the future.  I’m seeing Buchholz win 18 games to lead the AL, finish in the top 3 in the Cy Young voting and become overrated for next season.  Oh, and in the future Ashton Kutcher does a movie with a talking rooster that is voiced by Brad Garrett.  It’s called Dumb Cock.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks and has a 1.86 ERA on the year.  As his brother Gosh says, “Golly.”

The 27-year-old, no-name rookie, Daniel Nava, came out of nowhere, hitting a grand slam on the first major league pitch he saw.  This all came after not making his college team, working as their equipment manager, finally playing college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then being cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Even his ESPN player photo makes it seem like he was in the Witness Protection Program.  Shoot, maybe he is.  If so, I hope Hermida starts his car for him.  Eventually, Nava caught on with the Outlaws, impressed the Sawx and the rest is history.  Nava is old for a rookie and his success at the majors may be short-lived, but he showed a good eye in the minors with modest pop.  He could be a flash-in-the-pan, but he’s worth grabbing in AL-Only leagues and monitoring in mixed leagues.  He may get bumped when Ellsbury returns and then it’s back to egg noodles and ketchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Played catch from 90 feet.  Guess when he returns he’s going to pitch from 2nd base.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks.  Gave up only 2 hits, one of them was him getting Pronk’d in the 2nd inning.  As I’ve been saying, his hype is over his value right now.  On a related note, I wonder what the Nats TV ratings look like when Strasburg leaves the game.  Probably a similar ratings plunge to when LC left The Hills.  Who are you, Kristin Cavallari?  I know Heidi Montag.  I know Brody Jenner.  I even know Justin Bobby.  I do not know, Kristin Cavallari.

Austin Jackson – Left the game with back spasms.  Could be a few days of no action Jackson.

Troy Tulowitzki – Out with a strained groin.  Or as they call in the Tulo household, a strained pipski.  Could be back by Tuesday.

Edinson Volquez – Barring any setbacks or an effective test for HGH, Volquez should be back just after the All-Star Break.  Definitely worth stashing if you have DL room.

Zack Greinke – 9 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks and zero opportunities for the Royals bullpen to screw things up.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now has 13 homers and 7 steals while batting .306.  Having exactly the kind of season you’d want from him and he hasn’t even had any prolonged hot streaks.  He’s going to be a good one for a long time.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5 with his 6th homer.  Or 3 homers per moob.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  In the preseason, I told you to skip Butler and grab Robot Jones later on.  Right now, Robot has 10 homers and 5 steals while batting .274.  Since Butler couldn’t steal 5 bases in a slow pitch softball league, Jones has been more valuable, even if Butler has the bigger name recognition.

Raul Ibanez – Homer yesterday and now hitting .350 over the last week.  Ibanez, “Hello, Corner, I think I’m going to turn you.”  Corner, “About time.”

Jake Fox – Designated for assignment.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of these “Unathletic like a Fox” shirts.

Jorge Posada – Two games, two grand slams as the Yankees scored 22 runs in their three game sweep of the Astros.  Now the Orioles and the Astros have something to talk about on their date.

Delmon Young – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer and 3rd in the last week.  It feels like forever and 3 days ago when Young was a big-time prospect, but he’s still only 24 years old.  Grab while hot.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hey, Slowey, here’s a crazy thought, instead of giving up hits to everyone, how about you walk a few people?

Kris Medlen – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Still hasn’t touched 100 pitches in a game, but has now thrown 5 solid starts in his last six.  Really should be owned everywhere…. Actually should’ve been owned for the last month.

Troy Glaus – 4-for-5, 2 homers.  I get the feeling people are waiting for the other shoe to drop with Glaus, but the only thing that really stood in his way was his health.  If he’s healthy, there’s no reason why he can’t hit 30 homers and .260.  Playing first could be the answer to his health woes.  Hey, maybe the Braves can let Glass Chipper simultaneously play first too.  It’s the WebMD defensive shift.

Tyler Colvin – 0-for-3.  Piniella said he wants to play Colvin more.  Steve Stone said, “Yeah, I thought so.”

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Took a no-hitter into the 9th inning as Cubs fans’ brains were clouded with Pappas & beer.  Unfortunately, Pierre pulled a Joyce and singled up the middle.  Lilly has been terrific since he’s returned from the DL.  Hopefully, that jinxes him because I don’t own him anywhere.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was mentioned in the post of pitchers who should be better.  Hey, look at that.  He was.

Alcides Escobar – Wait a second… Are my eyes seeing right?  Alcides Escobar has stolen a base in each of the last two games.  Do you believe in miracles?!  Yes!

Prince Fielder – 2 homers, supposedly.  I think it was Corey Hart wearing a Professor Klump Halloween costume.

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks as he wowed the crowd in this heated Brewers/Rangers rivalry.  Interleague fail.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th home run.  Owning Hamilton is like holding your breath for 6 months.  Honestly, I’ve been trying not to talk too much about Hamilton this year because I own him on more teams than I want to admit and I don’t want to jinx him.  Just give me 500 ABs, Hamilton.  Please.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-5 while hitting 2nd and batting .500 over the last week.  He’s not racking up the steals, but he could steal 4 bases in a game any day now and be off and running.  Literally.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal.  I think he could be a fantasy first rounder as soon as 2012.  This guy is ridiculously huge and he has speed.  He’s so big the television cameras film him at the plate like Al from The Naked Gun.  You know, the guy who’s head is out of the frame.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3, 2 steals after appearing in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but you knew that already because you read the site.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Mmm… Sweet, sweet regression.

Jeff Suppan – Signed on with the Cardinals as Dave Duncan takes on his toughest challenge yet.

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Someone put him out of his misery.  Or put him in Misery by tying him to a bed and breaking his ankles.

Krispie Young – 3-for-5 and 2 Krispie flies.  Now has 12 homers on the year while hitting a respectable (for him) .277.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s had top 15 value for all outfielders so far.  I could see him putting it together and walking away with a 30/30 season.

Aubrey Huff – 2-for-4, 2 homers, batting .303 with 10 homers on the year.  Looking like a poor man’s Glaus a.k.a. matte.

Ryan Spilborghs – 3-for-5, 2 homers, hitting almost .700 over the last week as Seth Smith loses time even against righties.  Maybe Seth Smith slept with the Rockie manager’s daughter, Tracy Tracy.

Making Eric Young Jr.’s return possible, Brad Hawpe heads to the 15-day DL as he loses his hop.  In the last four years of the minors, Eric Young Jr. has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin’ hey, are you kidding me?  That’s so good, Rickey Henderson talks about Eric Young Jr. in the third person.  Young could play in the outfield for a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think Young will see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  I grabbed him in one league and dropped Priscilla Barmes. (How awesome would it be if DeWitt played on the same team as Barmes?  Then Todd Helton would have to pretend he was gay to get playing time.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Olivo – Now leads all catchers with 5 homers.  Ain’t that a nicker in the kads.

Seth Smith – 2 homers yesterday.  Sure, go and get hot right when Eric Young Jr. gets called up.  Smith will see extra starts with Hawpe out, but he’ll still sit vs. lefties, which the Rockies get two of this week.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and only one walk that wasn’t intentional in his last two games.  Right now, his FIP is over a run below his ERA.  I don’t think we’re out of the woods completely, but his next start vs. the Pirates can’t hurt.

Manny Ramirez – Hits the DL.  Garrett Anderson filled in for him yesterday.  Manny’s birthday is 5/30/72.  Garrett Anderson’s birthday is 6/30/72.  Nice that the Dodgers can fill Manny’s spot with youth.

Vicente Padilla – Heads to the DL.  Before the DL, after the DL.

Ryan Zimmerman – Wants to avoid the DL, but is still having moans over his hammy.

Scott Olsen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Keep moving, nothing to see here.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  No, that’s not a typo.  Aren’t you glad you drafted Aaron Hill in the 5th round?

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs as he hit his 7th homer too.  Sure, I wrote a schmohawk post about Reynolds, but you can’t stay mad at a Mini Donkey.  They’re too lovable.

Krispie Young – 7 for his last 13.  If you’re hoping for the breakout, you have to accept that there will be stretches of 0-for-22′s.

Chad Qualls – After he completed his 1-2-3 save, his owners threw their gloves into the air and fell to their knees like Jesse Orosco.

Ryan Doumit – Going into the game, the Astros had stolen 6 bases.  Now, the Astros have 12 steals.  4 were stolen off of Morton and Doumit.  Which is also known as *pinkie to mouth* a salt and battery.

David Price – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  There ya go.

John Jaso – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Anyone see this guy’s name in the box score and think there’s a typo?  Maybe it’s just me.  So get out your revolver, because it’s time for another round of Catcher Russian Roulette.  Jaso sported a solid OBP in the minors and pretty limited power.  So far, he has 5 walks, only one strikeout and a homer.  He’s immediately more valuable than Dioner, but that’s like saying your feet smell better than your socks.  In AL-Only leagues or deep mixed, 2 catcher leagues, I’d grab him and see if he can keep up his hot hitting.

Colby Lewis – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks as he battled for the Win.  Colby’s a Survivor!  I feel bad penalizing the people who are paying attention for the ones that aren’t, but here’s what I said previously about Lewis, “No one’s career has seen a bigger boost after going to Japan since Cheap Trick.  Feels like every year the Rangers have someone who’s way overhyped.  Has everyone forgotten that Lewis had a 6.71 ERA in his major league career before being rejuvenated in the Japanese Bubbling Spring of Soba Noodles?” And that’s me quoting me!  I also went on to talk about how I like strikeout pitchers, but Colby Lewis is prone to walks and his home park is hitter-friendly.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  On certain teams, I could see grabbing Colby Lewis if you need Ks or upside.  I do not own Colby Lewis anywhere and don’t plan on it.  I also don’t like how his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing.  Really slows things up for someone whose WPM is 17.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-4 as he hit 5th.  Well, with Guillen out of the lineup it’s only natural that Leyland, who doesn’t believe in new lineup cards or Liquid Paper, would hit Boesch 5th.  (BTW, Poor Ryan Raburn.  Him and every prospect Scioscia ignored for an Izturii should start a support group.)  Boesch has 20 homer power and decent speed, but there’s no indication that he’ll stick once Guillen returns.  He also likes to swing and miss.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab Boesch, but, unless he gets hot, I’m not touching him in mixed leagues.

Rhyne Hughes – Hughes has moderate power and the penchant for the strikeout.  Unless the O’s are benching Atkins completely, which I don’t think they are (though I’m not against it), Hughes doesn’t have value outside of AL-Only leagues.  Could be mixed league worthy if he gets every day ABs.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-5, as he hit leadoff.  Wait, what?  Leadoff?  You know that guy in your league who drafted terribly and is now scrambling to kick start his team?  Yeah, that’s the Orioles.

Lou Montanez – Sounds like someone working for Miami Vice.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-4, as he hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  This is a question for everyone that doesn’t own Soto but who has seen how many times people have asked in the comments if they should drop him.  Soto is now batting:  A) .366 B) 100 points higher than .266 C) Almost two hundred points better than Clement.  D) All of the above.  If you answered D, you’re right.  If you refused to answer, you probably dropped him and were hoping for the best.

Kosuke Fukudome – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He’s what Matt Diaz sees when he looks in the mirror.  If you can afford to bench Fukudome vs. all lefties, you could have yourself a valuable 5th outfielder.

Jeff Suppan – Suppan’s being sent to the bullpen.  There’s a fly in The Soup’s ointment.

Dave Bush – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Some people who were pushing their luck in their H2H league, got a Cleveland Streamer.

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Speaking of Cleveland Streamers.  Blech.  This is the kind of soul-crushing loss that forces you to either bench him for his next start or drop him.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and he only threw two walks.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be in for huge uptick in value.

Brett Anderson – Lifted from Saturday’s game with elbow tightness.  I steered away from Anderson in all my leagues because of his IP jump from 2008 to 2009.  I will say that when/if healthy, he has nasty stuff.  As of right now, they’re reporting Anderson will make his next start.  No idea who they are, but they’re usually right.

Javier Vazquez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I predicted rough times ahead when he moved to the AL, but wow.  Someone in our fantasy baseball forums, mentioned there should be a glossary term for a pitcher going from the AL to the NL or vice versa.  I agree.  Anyone have any ideas?

Everth Cabrera – Cueto hit him on the knee with a pitch, which forced him to the bench for Sunday’s game, but EverCab did get in late and stole a base.  Cueto should stick to screwing Cueto owners, and not EverCab ones.

Brad Penny – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Walks, 2 Ks.  I have this strange feeling that Penny’s going to get named to the All-Star Game then get pummeled by the AL because Duncan won’t be on the staff.

Paul Konerko – Hit his 8th homer yesterday as he takes the lead in The Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At.  Vernon Wells is a close 2nd.

John Danks – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as Jenks finished the game.   According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time a team’s game pitchers shared their last three letters since teammates, Rollie Fingers/Hans Wringers.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Billy, from Accounting, said, ‘I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!’ over a hundred times, beating his old record by 37.”

Who doesn’t love a good comeback story?  Mickey Rourke, Jamie Walters, Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky after a very hit or miss, A Ghost is Born…  Now there’s Edwin Jackson.  Last night, he pitched a gem. 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER with 89 pitches.  I love prospects that seem destined for greatness then fail. (see Alex Gordon Love™.  Don’t see Felix Pie Love™, Jeff Clement Love™ or Andy LaRoche Semi-Love™).  Edwin Jackson fits that post-hype prospect bill.  He was supposed to be so good for sooooo long. (Yes, five oh’s.) And he’s still only 25.  In deep leagues, I’m going to try him on for size.  If you need pitching, don’t wait until his next good start.  It may be too late.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Lincecum – He was pulled after 78 pitches with Bochy showing more restraint in one start than he did all of last year.  Obviously, I don’t own him on any team, but if I did, I wouldn’t cash the bailout check. (<– Not sure what that means, but it’s timely!)  Last year, Lincecum only threw 84 pitches in four innings in his first game of the year and went on to win the Cy Young… Of course, there was an hour and fourteen minute delay between his first pitch and last pitch and he was coming in in relief.  Nevertheless!  Lincecum will be fine and, even if he’s not, you’re not trading away your prize pitcher right after yesterday’s performance.  Sit tight, paisan.

Travis Ishikawa – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs.  You don’t know anything about him?  That’s the way it’s meant to be.  I have secrets!

Jeff Suppan – I can’t believe Milwaukee’s opening day pitcher was rocked.  Oh…it’s Suppan.  I can’t believe the Milwaukee opening day pitcher was Suppan.

Mike Cameron – 2 steals.  Said after the game about the Giants, “They were really swinging the bats today.”  They were facing the Soup.

Kyle Farnsworth – Cost me a win for Meche and a loss for Buehrle in my Razzball league.  We need a Razzball glossary term for this.  Please advise.

Ryan Zimmerman – Started the year 1-for-9.  Way to come out swinging!… And missing.  I swear, if you disappoint me this year, we’re through.

Cameron Maybin – One steal and batted 2nd yesterday.  That’s so Maybin!

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and after the game he saved a turtle from a burning building.

Jorge Cantu – Another HR.  In other news, the Marlins are petitioning major league baseball to only face the Nats this year.

Scott Olsen – 3 IP, 8 ER.  Marlins finally figure out what those other teams were talking about.

Josh Johnson – 6 2/3, 0 ER, 8 Ks.  Tried to push as many people as I could into drafting Johnson.  Hope people listened.

Chris Young – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Why ignoring spring training stats is sometimes the best medicine.

Heath Bell – Notched his first save.  I hope he entered to Hell’s Bells.

Alex Gordon – HR yesterday.  If he could just hit 25 more with a respectable average, I’d be so happy.

Ubaldo Jimenez/Dan Haren – Was like Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton out in Chase Field.

Ian Stewart – Rockie players were supposedly upset Stewart got the start on Opening Day over Barmes.  I can’t even imagine how upset they were with that deer.

DeWayne Wise – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  When asked about the decision to lead off with Wise, Ozzie said, “Without Juan Uribe, what choice do I have?”

Geovany Soto – Left with shoulder soreness.  Will be out until the weekend.  If something happens to Koyie Hill, Soto said he could play, so I don’t think it’s that bad.  Then again, Theriot took warm up pitches from Heilman in the 9th.  If only Ozzie was managing the North Siders…

James Shields – 5 1/3, 5 ER.  Couple of doinks, a couple of donks and Ortiz’s badonkadonk.  Not a great start, obviously, but you can’t sit Shields.  Take solace in that…. I take solace everywhere and it always finds it’s way home — oofa!

Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter put it together with a very solid opening day start — 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks.

Trevor Cahill – 5 IP, 2 ER.  He looked much worse.  The A’s start guys that have no business being in the majors.  I tend to ignore them.

Jason Motte – Was deemed unable to go yesterday after pitching on Monday.  Translation:  Franklin’s getting some saves whether Motte’s effective or not.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER. Get on the Wandwagon!

David Freese – Not playing again.  This time LaRussa opted for Joe Thurston.  In one hand, rookie with potential.  In the other hand, minor league journeyman.  Eh, just be happy LaRussa started Rasmus.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 in MLB debut.  That’s it, LaRussa.  Now give him 400 more ABs.

Brandon Morrow – During Morrow’s collapse on Tuesday, the Mariners announcer said Batista was “sparkling (on Monday).”  I’m not even joking.  Batista put something in the Mariners drink when they weren’t looking!  This job is still Morrow’s, no doubt.  But let’s go over quickly what we know.  1) Morrow can’t stay healthy.  2) Closing puts a lot of stress on a pitcher, physical and otherwise. 3) Batista’s their backup plan.  4) Batista sucks.  5) Batista spiked the Mariners’ drink.