Fantasy Baseball Advice

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

Don Mattingly said that Kenley Jansen is now his closer.  His exact words were, “There was a time and a place to put a closer in the setup role and an inferior pitcher in the closer role and that time has past.  I will know try to figure out why I ever shaved my mustache.  Things were much easier when Joe Torre was in the dugout managing the team and not on speed dial.  ‘Ooh, I’m Joe Torre, I take twenty minutes to return a text.’  C’mon, man, I can only ask for a replay review so many times!  I wonder if I can get Paul Sorvino to be my bench coach.  Or Joe Mantegna, he also kinda looks like Torre.”  Jansen will be a $12 Salad in all leagues by July, if not sooner.  Yes, he should be owned in all leagues, if he isn’t already.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jhoulys Chacin – Went to the Disgraceful List when he refused his assignment to Triple-A.  If you are gonna suck in your first 5 MLB starts of the year, Jhoulys you can do is report to AAA.

Christian Friedrich – Once top prospect fell off of radars due to injuries and velocity issues.  This year, he’s looked solid in Triple-A with 27 Ks and 4 walks.  It’s like this Christian is born again!  I wouldn’t go near him with a 120 inch pole yet in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him for his start vs. the Padres.  Yeah, those Padres.  Wait, those were the same Padres that hit Pomenranz so hard PETA was called in.

Alex White – It’s all Rockies pitchers all the time.  White is also making Triple-A hitters seem like a bunch of minors (21/8 K/BB).  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t carry White, said in a sultry voice.  For now, he’s an NL-Only flyer.  (He also gets the Padres.  Yup, still those Padres.)

Jayson Werth – As originally announced here after I read it elsewhere, Werth will miss 12 weeks with wrist surgery after breaking it Sunday night.  He must be pist.  If I didn’t have the DL room, I’d drop Werth.  Wrists are kinda important for hitters and there’s a chance, even if he returns this year, he might not be right until next year.

Tyler Moore – Was called up by the Nats and showed a ton of power in the minors, but for now he’s a bench bat on the Nats.  So in deep NL-Only leagues, he’s just a temp fill-in, i.e., I wouldn’t marry Tyler Moore.

Kevin Youkilis – On his rehab, he started a walking program.  I don’t get it; taking walks was about the only thing he could still do.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-5 with 2 homers as the Red Sox contemplate telling Youuuuk to take a long walk.  Middlebrooks will cool down at some point, but who cares?  Pick him up.  Now.

Josh Willingham – Didn’t start yesterday due to a skin condition near his mouth.  Sounds like The Other White Meat’s throbbing lardons are getting him in trouble.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Incredible that Liriano is still starting for the Twins, then again there’s players in their starting lineup that probably aren’t on any other team’s roster:  Jamey Carroll, Danny Valencia, Brian Dozier, Eric Komastu, Trevor Plouffe and Chris Parmelee.  Just because they play in Target Field doesn’t mean they have to only shop in bargain bins.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit his 6th homer in the last ten games.  Rawr, rawr like a Stanton dragon!

Carlos Zambrano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  As noted in the preseason, “Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.”  And that’s me noting me!  It looks like the former is coming true.  I’d absolutely grab Big Z in the non-sexual way.  Could be a solid 4th to 5th fantasy starter in mixed leagues.  Crayola Canyon definitely won’t hurt.

Brandon Snyder – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 6 RBIs with his 2nd homer.  Now has two homers in his last three starts.  Only problem is it took nearly a week to get 3 starts.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 3 runs.  Could the season long drought finally be coming to an end?  C’mon, Cruz, make it rain, man.

Aubrey Huff – Returned from the DL for anxiety related reasons.  Guess that means he’s back from lunch.

Cole Hamels – Guaranteed himself a suspension by admitting he threw at Bryce Harper.  When asked by teammates and management why he couldn’t show more restraint on what he says to the press, Cole replied, “I did show restraint.  I didn’t mention how my ‘old school pitching’ is modeled after the Romans and I threw at Harper because his eye black reminded me of that Christ-wannabe, Tim Tebow.”

Philip Humber – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Reminds me of the time I went through a perfect fartless vacation weekend with a girlfriend and then woke up the next morning back at my apartment and nearly Dutch Oven’d myself to death.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure, it doesn’t hurt to return to a matchup against the M’s, but I’d still give Fister a fighting chance on a mixed league team.

Ernesto Frieri – Scioscia announced that Frieri or Walden will get saves while Downs is, uh, down.  Welcome, Frieri, to saver town.  Hopefully, Frieri will enter each game in a red 1967 convertible Chevy Camaro, and when he leans in to get the signal from the catcher, he does The Hunch.

Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday for Bourjos.  They need Morales to hurt himself (while hurting Vernon Wells).  The Sciosciapath doesn’t have cojones to start Pujols at 3rd base.  Somewhere, La Russa’s reading that and his feathered hair is feeling a little bouncier.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Jordany Valdespin – Hit the game winning homer.  He has great speed and some decent power (15 homers, 33 steals last year in Double-A), but I’m not sure the Mets will play him (they should, but not sure they will).  Plus, his name sounds like it’s from a Harry Potter Character Name Generator.

Cody Ransom – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he bats .351.  Yes, he should be playing every day.  No, he’s not.  Yes, he’s old so this sudden burst won’t continue.  No, it doesn’t matter.

Guillermo Mota – 100 games for a second positive PED test.  PEDS are just his M.O. (Mota Operandi).

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Well, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.40.  Okay, but now I’m officially concerned about an upcoming correction.  4 walks in 5 innings is not good and 1.40 ERA won’t stay that low.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I told you to grab him yesterday.  What’s changed?  The day.

Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know that guy that you invited last second to join your league who you really don’t like and is currently in first?  He’s going to pick up Samardzija if you don’t.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 as LaHair moussed his 8th homer.

Ian Stewart – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Does he have a section of Wrigley that dresses up like Cubs with Stewart jerseys called Stewart’s Root Bears?

Adrian Cardenas – The Cubs called up the ex A’s prospect to be the UTIL after Blake DeWitt was DFA’d (unfortunately his mom Joyce never hooked up with Theo’s dad, Juan, at the 70′s Battle of the Network Stars).  He’s played 2nd in the minors and delivers high average, average speed, and a below average glove.  Given that the Cubs have a dinosaur playing second, he could see some ABs if he’s hitting.  Stash for NL-only.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer (and third in the last ten games).  He also has a hit in nine of his last ten games while batting .357.  There, folks, is your hot schmotato.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4.  Actually, more impressed with a three hit night from Hardy than I would be with a 1-for-4 with a homer night.  As my ex-girlfriends will tell you, I’m a small ball kinda guy.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped by Pomeranz.  (I can only imagine if this is someone’s first time reading the site.  Did he say ‘A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped?’  Where am I and how do I get back to ESPN?)

Dale Thayer – Thayer throwing pills for the save yesterday — what a relief!   Since Cashner threw 39 pitches the day before, he wasn’t available.  I’d hold Cashner, but this also proves that Gregerson is nowhere near getting saves.

Zack Cozart – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, but only his 7th RBI.  Could the pitcher’s spot get on base once in a while?  Geez…

Alex Gonzalez – Tore his ACL, which comes just days after Gamel also tore his ACL.  The last time a Milwaukee duo tore up joints like that, it was Laverne & Shirley after Lenny & Squiggy slipped some Spanish Fly in their Schlitzes.

Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox.  Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.

Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season.  Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint.  With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.

Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first.  He said, “I might sneak in there…”  What are you a ninja?  Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam!  Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.

Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles.  Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.

Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup.  Razzball Exclusive!  Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”

Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc.  Yes, you.

Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness.  I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.

Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee.  And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”

Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days.  No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!

Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday.  Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”

Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer.  7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week.  I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up.  With back-ups like that who needs front men?  Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice?  Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game.  He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year.  If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.

Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year.  In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs.  Ticker tease!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in.  Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him.  Member Stephen?  His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble.  Anyway, grab Arrieta.  It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  Sparkakis!  Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.

Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners.  My sweet lord that sucks!  Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!

B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping.  Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.

Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year.  Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.

Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds?  Apparently not.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save.  Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!

Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs.  One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.

A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis.  Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers.  Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.

Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before.  I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes.  Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.

Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74.  In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell:  Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win.  Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond.  C’mon, you tantalizer!

Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole.  Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline.  “Hello, Ms. Cleo?”  “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?”  “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you.  What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?”  “What a good question from such a handsome, young man!  Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–”  Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down.  I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.

Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks.  It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.

Now that Lance Berkman is on the DL, I’m going to read from your rankings.  Random Italicized Voice, I’m not here to talk about the past.  Is it true or is it not true that after Mr. Bungling Berkman in 2011, you said to avoid him this year?  I’m not here to talk about the– Oh, yeah, that is true.  See, I wasn’t setting you up to fail *cough* Vernon Wells is a sleeper *cough*  Thanks.  Now, instead of the past, let’s look into the future, specifically Matt Carpenter.  Right now, he’s filling in for Berkman and he’s hitting .321 with a donk and 11 ribbies — hey, give one to Eve! (The rapper.  She likes barbeque.)  In Triple-A, Carpenter hit 12 homers and .302, while his eye makes his OBP’ing gaudy by nature.  I’m not gonna say he’s the wickedest man alive because, well, interjection, he’s not.  In 500 ABs, he’d be lucky to hit 10 homers and contribute a handful of steals.  He can hit for a solid average and get on base.  In deep leagues, if you’re in a bind, man, pick up Carpenter and saw.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks; his ERA is now at 9.88.  Where’s everyone that was crazy excited for drafting him in the preseason?  Probably too soon to tell me in the comments what an idiot I am for ignoring him in my rankings, huh?  Also, too soon to say he’s going to win the Cy Young?  C’mon, it wasn’t too soon last month when you were saying it.  What’s the matter?  I hear the Wainwright for Cy Young in 2012 bandwagon is now giving two for one rides because of the empty seats.

Jon Jay – The Federalist sprained his shoulder when he tried to run through fence like he was a stunt double from Naked Gun.  His run-in with the fence has landed his arm in a sling.  It’s swing for the fences, Jon Jay.  Swing!  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Last year, he had a 3.23 ERA in April and a 1.80 ERA in September.  In like a lion and out like a lion.  Way to turn an idiom on its head, which I guess would be !p!ow.  The interesting thing right now is his 18 Ks in 19 IP.  I wouldn’t go to him outside of certain matchups, but he’s moving onto radars.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, 1 run and his 5th homer.  Make it rain!

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Usually a 2nd half starter that I can’t find the energy to pick up, but has a 2.91 ERA so far making him someone I still can’t build enthusiasm to own.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Old school great sign:  He looks like he’s playing hurt so it’s good he was able to still swing the bat with authority.  New school great sign:  Yesterday, was the last day of Aries, which is a ram, and Phillips homered in St. Louis where the Rams play.  Booya!

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first homer.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last two weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Todd Frazier – 0-for-4, as he got the start over Rolen (was just a day off, but Rolen’s a sneeze away from getting confused with Glass Chipper).  Frazier should be watched for now in NL-Only leagues, but if he can get playing time he could be a 15/15-type guy with a terrible average.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first homer.  Hey, look what the cat, who is prone to drag in players who I’m beginning to think are overrated, dragged in.

Jeff Samardzija – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks.  Last week I said of Samardzija, “With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.”  And this start was the poopsie.

Emilio Bonifacio – 1-for-4 with his 8th and 9th steals.  I will now call him Emilio Estealthes.

Curtis Granderson – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 homers in the first four innings as he made me look like a schmohawk.  He was 5 for his last 23 before tonight and he hit the three homers against two weak righties, and wasn’t looking good against a tough lefty in the ninth (Perkins) when hit a dribbler for an infield single.  Huge night, for sure.  Can’t take anything away from that (even as I try to), but I’ll stand by my prediction that he disappoints this year.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the ticker shock.  More on Hughes in Doumit’s blurb.

Ryan Doumit – Hey, Hughes blurb readers, what’s up?  Chillin?  Doumit went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his first homer.  He was pretty fooled by the pitch that he hit for a homer off Hughes.  I like Doumit to Ron Popeil, but he’s not that incredible.  I think this calls into question starting Hughes.  His home park is a launching pad and his stuff lets Doumit homer even when he’s out in front of it.

Brandon Allen – The Rays claimed Allen off of waivers to backup Carlos Pena, which makes no sense since they’re lefties.  Guess he could spell the other lefty Luke Scott occasionally at DH, or in Luke’s case gospel.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I’m was gonna say it’s nice he’s coming alive, but his OBP is .431 and is hitting .327.  So, uh, just hit some more homers.  Thank you.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and feasted on a slam & legs while us commoners hoped Denard Span would steal a base on a short schedule day.  Jennings, “Take your diseased Span away from my fantasy outfield, and next time I steal I want to take the buggy!”

Tommy Milone – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I saw nothing yesterday to make me think he can’t be a solid ratio helper.  Also, something about his name makes me wish he was from Bayonne and hung out with Joey Fatone.

Freddie Freeman - Hit two homers yesterday.  Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day, which is still more times than Matthew Berry.

Mike Minor – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I was saying this in the comments yesterday, but I feel no love for Minor this year.  I think if more people watched him, they’d understand how filthy he is.

Ryan Howard – Earlier this week, he went to see a specialist who told him there wasn’t enough progress in his healing to be cleared for baseball activities.  Now, today, he’s going to see the same specialist to see if he’s ready to go.  Only today he’s going in a Big Momma’s House Halloween costume.

Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks.  I didn’t watch this game (because the color of Yu’s hair makes me think something wrong with my TV tube and that gets annoying), but two hits in six innings is solid.  Obviously 5 walks is a bit of a concern, and 13 BBs in 17 2/3 innings is terrible.  Will someone wake me when this insanely hyped pitcher shows up?

Henderson Alvarez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Just think, after this start he’ll have a solid FIP.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, his 7th homer and Matt becomes the number one baby boy name in LA surpassing Edhardy.

I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter.  Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!”  But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs.  Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover!  LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats.  Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy.  He is that guy.  Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!”  Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year.  Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.

Fernando Rodney – A crap reliever, yes.  But getting saves, yup.  Somewhere, Bob Wickman and his fans that used to dress as candles are smiling.

Brad Lidge – Storen is out for a few months.  Does he come back at all this year?  I don’t know, but when that’s even a question you should be speculating on the doodes getting saves for the Nats.  Right now, that’s Lidge and Henry Rodriguez — or Benry Ridge, which sounds like a green-conscious company.  Here at Benry Ridge we know your stool isn’t just something short people stand on.

Santiago Casilla – I just went over him and Romo this morning.  Try the scroll, player.

Chone Figgins – Batting leadoff and over .300 as of this writing.  Do I love him?  Figgy, please!  But there’s some value here.  On a side note:  I had to draft a 12-team AL-Only team for Rudy the other day (and drafted Figgy for like $4).  Anyway, due to ESPN’s terrible draft room and my friend’s dog that I was watching, I accidentally nominated Scott Baker (after it was announced he’d be out for the season) and ended up with him for $1.  I only nominated him because he was on the top of the out-of-date list and my time ran out because I had my hands filled with a barking dog.  Obviously, I’m not drafting him and an online draft should be the best approximation to an in-person one.  You shouldn’t be penalized because of stupid draft software.  Immediately, I asked the draft to be paused — as we had paused it numerous times already because people accidentally bid too much or something — only this time it turned out that the host of the draft wasn’t there anymore, so no one had the controls to pause the draft.  Seriously, if you host a league, have the decency to be at the draft.

Kyle Seager – In that same AL-Only league that I drafted for Rudy, I grabbed Seager for cheap.  The next day Rudy was like, “Good grab on Seager.”  I thought he was being sarcastic.  That shows you how much I think of Seager.  He’s a guy with an outside chance for a 10/10 season.  Honestly, he may not be that much worse than Ackley this year.

Zack Cozart – Think this makes 4 weeks in a row I’m recommending you pick him up.  Next week, he’ll break the the all-time record currently held by Ty Wigginton.

A.J. Pierzynski – Okay, now I will walk into oncoming traffic for suggesting Pierzynski.

David Murphy – There’s a contingent of people that love David Murphy, and some that just don’t get it.  Call it the Murph Wars.  In the big picture, he’s really a 15/12 guy with a decent average that should only be started vs. righties.  But he’s also a guy that seems to produce whenever you pick him up, though that might be confirmation bias or some other fancy Psych 101 term.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – I like Nieuwenhuis even if his name is impossible to spell.  His surname sounds like a starter home in Sweden.  He has decent pop and the Mets just have to stop playing Bay.  Like fo’ real, fo’ real.

Lance Lynn – I like Lance a lot.  His walks and Moor time he sees in the rotation may be his undoing, but he brings a solid ground ball and K-rate to the round table.  (<–Dorkiest puns ever!)

Jeff Samardzija – The buzz feels a little stronger on Samardzija than Lynn.  I get it, he was throwing near-100 MPH at the end of his first start.  That’s exciting, that gets the blood flowing to the nether regions without any blue pills.  I think Samardzija does have a higher upside, but Lynn should be a tad safer.  With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.

Edinson Volquez – Kinda surprised I have to beg people to pick him up.  Everyone open your prayer book to “Guys who can get 200 Ks that are on waivers.”  Okay, now read from it.  You, “Edinson Volquez.  Um, that’s all it says.”  Yup.

Joe Weiland – Hodgepadre!

Juan Nicasio – Has a 7+ K-rate and should have around a 3.75 ERA.  There’s always the Coors Field factor, but that’s to scare girls (no offense, 4 girl readers, that’s a figure of speech).

Jon Niese – “Hey, Grey, let me ask you a pregunta that you can use your big brain for?  Edinson, Nicasio, Samardbfslkbkfwsa, Lynn or Niese?  Thank you and your mustache; it looks extra bushy today!”  Niese is the safest without the upside.

J.D. Martinez – He’s hitting third for the Astros and… Gah!  I tried so hard to get through that compliment.  He’s a’ight.  Will probably have solid counting stats and 20+ homers.  He’s really not that different than LaRoche (obviously a different position).  Rudy likes him a decent amount.  Rudy knows his shizz.  Some time ask Rudy about the time he vomited in the back of a taxi, then, once you got him talking, ask him about J.D.

Alejandro De Aza – You pick him up for the steals and you stay for the occasional homer and fun you can have singing his first name at a gay bar.  In all seriousness, he could be a cheap Victorino.

Alex Presley – I was downright floored — floored, I tell ya! — when I saw he was only owned in 6.6% of ESPN leagues.  Save that fear of success shizz for your real life, this is fantasy baseball!

Jordan Schafer – What’s this a 4,000 word post about speedy outfielders that have some minor pop?  I will pop you, son!

Ryan Sweeney – I told you to pick him up last week and I’m not going to repeat myself.  And that’s me quoting me, but, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, what a schmohawk!  Are you being meta?  Yes, Random Italicized Voice.

SELL

Mark Trumbo – I was surprised to get questions the last few days about dropping Trumbo.  I didn’t think people drafted him.  Stone Hands At 3rd + Pujols + Morales + Crowded Outfield = A near mint Dave Concepción rookie card.  Hmm, that math looks wrong.  I think I forgot to carry a one somewhere.  Either way, you need to look elsewhere if you own Trumbo.

Chad Billingsley – Is there any pitcher that had cushier matchups his first two times out?  Padres are like a throwback offense to the dead ball era and the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Chuck Tanner.  If you think you can flip Bills, I’d make sure I had some back support.  If you think you can trade him for someone like, say, Luebke, I’d do it.

Brandon Belt – I still like him, but he’s the sun and Bochy’s head is the moon and there’s a total eclipse of the gooftard.