Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief.  He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits.  In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit.  Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.”  Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time.  So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons.  Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery.  That’s a long time to eat Jell-O.  Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  This year Parker’s rebounded nicely.  His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot.  I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.  Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear.  Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes.  I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job.  I mean, a lot.  Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper.  You know what I’m saying?  Yeah, you do.  Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down.  At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already.  Bring back steroids!

Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Stupid Lincoln!  I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4.  When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk.  He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks.  That’s less than a half homer per week.  A half of a homer is a double.  So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second?  So useless.  I hate you, Neil Walker.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season?  Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.

Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.

Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils.  I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note.  His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton.  Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game!  Now where’s my straw for chewing?”

Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test.  Guess he forgot he already took one.

Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres.  He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.

Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week.  My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.

John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER.  My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks.  I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals.  He says he needs to get on base to steal bases.  Props to his baserunning coach.  Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis.  Next lesson:  After You Hit The Ball, Run To First.  Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive.  Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.”  Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.

Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.

Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save.  Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.

Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer.  EA is in the game.

Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend.  We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.

Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days.  Snap, crackle, crap.

Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute.  Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill.  “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”

Stephen Strasburg returned yesterday in case you’re living under a rock that doesn’t get the MLB package.  Reminds me of a line Selig uses on his wife, “Hey, baby, wanna see the MLB package?”  What can I say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before?  That he stinks.  That hasn’t been said before.  It’s also not true; probably why it hasn’t been said before.  He can translate Pig Latin into Ancient Sumerian.  That’s never been said before.  Also, not true, but whatevs.  If Strasburg is available in your league, I’m guessing you’re in a ten team league where it’s you vs. nine alias you made up.  Hey, whatever it takes to win, right?  But if he’s available, grab him.  I imagine he’ll be fine this year if a bit more hype than is actually warranted.  I mean, in roto leagues, is he really changing your ratios that are from 1300 innings with twenty of his own innings?  No, probably not.  Oh, and he threw five shutout innings in last night’s game.  Yeah, he’s good.  Well, that’s been said before.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the roundup, just wanted to say our fantasy football site has been getting updated, but sometimes when you switch servers (as we did last week), it takes a bit for your browser to clear cache or cookies or something that I don’t fully understand.  The site should be up to date now.  If it’s not showing a post newer than last week, please tell me in the comments.  Thanks, friend.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3 in his return.  Before his hammy/oblique injuries, he was knocking seeds all over the field like an Amish farmer after a 12-pack of Red Bull.

Kosuke Fukudome – When he gets hot, he gets scorching and he now has homers in two consecutive games.  Roll out the red carpet!  And I’m not referring to Joan from Mad Men.

Carlos Carrasco – Will miss all of 2012 with Tommy John surgery.  A representative of the Mayans said, “You ain’t gonna miss anything.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Said he will return on September 13th.  I don’t care.  I mean, I care enough to not care, if that makes sense.  Choo’s hurt me this year!  My wounds are fresh!  I’m thinking of taking him to small claims court where this Indians middle reliever, who came in after Hagadone, will be presiding.

Fausto Carmona – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Seems odd to make a deal with the devil and tell him you don’t need his help after September 5th.

Drew Pomeranz – Will make his MLB debut on Sunday vs. the Reds.  So why do you care?  I’m not sure.  Maybe you’re related to Pomeranz.  Hey, Stew Pomeranz, thanks for reading!  Pomeranz was a first round pick in 2010 and has a 1.78 ERA in his first 20 pro starts with a big time K-rate.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s very young and will start his home games in Coors.  In deep keepers, sure, take a flyer with him for your bench.  Everyone else, I’d let the schmohawk in your league who wears a jersey of a team he doesn’t like to the draft to throw everyone off take the risk.  You know, the guy too smart for his own good.

Rickie Weeks – Could return this weekend.  Or The Weeknd, if you’re into R&B.

Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K.  You know what Porcello is good for?  Inconsistency and no Ks.  Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts, Rakim.

Brett Myers – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 6 Ks.  Last time Myers had a four-hitter he ended up with a restraining order.

Jeff Niemann – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Fellow -mann’s, Jordan and Horace, are none too impressed and neither am I.  Frank Herrmann, “Don’t forget me!”  Who are you?

C.J. Wilson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remind me to never doubt a reliever turned starter.  Seriously, make Kevin Gregg a starter and he’ll have a 2.00 ERA.

David Murphy – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  The other day I said something like Murphy goes through stretches where he should be owned in all leagues.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.93 on the year and a 1.19 WHIP.  Seems like he’s gotten so good that he’s taken for granted and forgotten when the best pitchers in baseball are talked about.  Then again, I try not to watch ESPN, where they probably have 30 minute segments during each Sportscenter about Sawx pitchers.

Josh Beckett – Turns out he had an ankle sprain, then he didn’t have an ankle sprain and now he has one again.  One thing he definitely doesn’t have is a decisive doctor.   Beckett will miss one start and he’s downgrading Al Bumbry’s mint rookie card to a nickel in his baseball card magazine.

Dustin Pedroia – The Sawx scored 14 runs and the Sparky Anklebiter went 0-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Marco Scutaro – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 runs.  Now 7 for his last 12.  Marco…Scutaro…Just pops up in the most unlikely places (when you close your eyes in a pool).

Mike Leake – 9 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was one out from a one-hitter shutout when LaHair moussed him.

Bobby Parnell – Gave up 2 runs as he blew the save, but the Mets went on to win the game.  Doesn’t it seem that when a team rallies after a blown save that the team is less inclined to worry about the closer blowing the game originally?  Maybe it’s just confirmation bias.  (<–Thanks, Psych 101!)

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer as Jesus sat, which is nowhere near as hip as Jesus walks.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer and 43rd steal for the slam & legs.  He’s obviously nowhere as valuable as Ellsbury this year, but I still have my delusions that he can be one of these years.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That looks like the Peavy of old… Oh, I know.  He was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with a homer and he’s batting .455 in the last week.  If he got hot for the final three weeks it wouldn’t shock me.  Whatever he can do to pull the wool over people’s eyes for next year he’ll do it.  I can see it now.  Random Commenter in March, “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Rios?  While he was one of the worst players and human beings for five months, he was good last September.”

Jason Motte – Salas pitched in the 7th inning and Motte got the save.  The closer role has been clinched!…Then Motte gave up a run.  So I’d look at Motte first, but there’s no way of knowing which way the wind’s going to blow La Russa’s feathered locks.

Ramon Ramirez – Speaking of closers, everyone’s pointing at Sergio Romo and he pitched the 8th inning while Ram-Ram got the save.  This is an obviously fluid situation that needs plastic bed sheets.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his 16th steal.  I guess you don’t need steals.  Must be nice being like the little Monopoly man with steals hanging out of your tuxedo.  Ooh, look at me, I have Boardwalk and Park Place and steals.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now 2.86 on the year and his record is 11-1.  Good enough to make a Philly fan puke on someone.  In a good way.

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Back in June when he was first called up, I made him a Buy.  You can look it up!  Since then, haven’t really talked about him.  He now has a 3.53 ERA in 35 2/3 innings with a 1.18 WHIP and he’s been much better as a starter than a long reliever as the Pirates used him for a bit.  His Ks are a bit pedestrian and he grew his beard because some letter written by an 11-year-old.  You are your own boss, Lincoln!  I could see streaming him for the reminder of the season with the right matchups.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  On Monday, he went 3-for-4.  Ryan Without-Mitt usually can hit; he can’t usually stay healthy.  That’s his caveat for our Latin American readers.

Jose Tabata – Has a fracture in his hand.  Or as they say in Brad Hand’s household, a fractured last name.

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.

Charlie Manuel confirmed Cole Hamels would have his next start skipped after an MRI showed he had shoulder inflammation.  But Manuel was wearing a wooden barrel being held up by suspenders so it made it difficult to pay attention to what he was saying.  Manuel then said, “When I ask for a straw, I don’t want a drinking straw.  Drinking straws are for 13-year-old girls!”  You know what would’ve been nice?  If Hamels settled all this MRI shizz before I had to set my weekly fantasy lineup.  Yes, this is all about me.  Here’s hoping Hamels only needs to miss one start and then can come back at full strength.  Though for a club that can afford to rest him and coast into the playoffs, it seems like a pipe dream.  But what about my H2H playoffs?!  Have I mentioned recently how much I hate H2H?  You got your marbles on the line and teams are resting their best marbles for the playoffs.  Marbles!  BTW, no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks.  From Rudy, “My DVR still has The Golden Girls from when my parents visited.  Oh, Estelle Getty, your delivery is prettier than Roy Halladay’s.”

Casper Wells – Has now homered in four straight games.  Casper was one of those cases where I saw him hit a homer and disregarded it, figuring he wouldn’t hit another one immediately.  Then disregarded the 2nd and 3rd homers too.   After four in a row, it’s hard to disregard.  He’s really not this good, I promise you.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s hitting the cover off the ball so you may as well grab him to see how long it can continue.

A.J. Pierzynski – To the DL.  He fractured his wrist trying to write his last name in cursive.

Hanley Ramirez – Won’t return when eligible.  If grit and doggedness were pistachios and cashews, Hanley would be allergic to nuts.

Jason Kipnis – Out for three straight days with a right oblique injury.  Why whenever I write Kipnis, I feel like a nosh?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Maybe the Indians might want to raise the mound up a mile above sea level.

Pedro Alvarez – Optioned to Triple-A.  Pirates told him to come back when he can hit like that Brandon Wood fella.

Carlos Beltran – To the DL.  Mets doctors, “See, it wasn’t us!”

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL.  He was seen on crutches yesterday after hurting his ankle.  For the first time, Sanchez can’t pitch because he can’t walk, usually it’s he can’t pitch because he can walk.

Chris Davis – Season’s over with a shoulder tear.  Obviously not easy to shoulder Bill James’s expectations.

Paul Goldschmidt – Has 19 Ks in 42 ABs.  He’s like Mark Reynolds 2.0.  Mark-Paul Reynoldschmidt who, unlike Mark-Paul Gosselaar, strikes out a lot.

Josh Collmenter – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Let’s look at his last ten starts.  He was beat badly by the Giants (5 IP, 5 ER), Oakland (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and the Dodgers twice (6 IP, 11 ER).  All these teams combined have one decent hitter (Kemp).  Then against the Phils, Brewers and Rockies (27 2/3 IP, 5 ER).  Collmenter should be starting the next All-Star game.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, and his 21st homer.  His season slash line is .323/.372/.566.  Or maybe that’s his dot dot slash line.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer and 9th error.  The Mat Gamel special!

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks).  Waited for someone at the park to hold up a sign that said, “Leake’s Here, Wang, Urine Trouble!”

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-8 with his 21st and 22nd homer.  Read something on ESPN by one of their analcysts and it was saying how Adrian Gonzalez is the clear frontrunner for the MVP over Ellsbury.  All I know is if Ellsbury hit third this year, he’d have 27 homers, 35 steals and 120 RBIs.

Jeff Niemann – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-9 and his 5th homer to go along with his 9 steals, all in 23 games.  *drools*  To be totally silly, his numbers over a whole season prorate to 35 homers and 63 steals.  Reading that again, I just started giggling like a schoolgirl.  I will now go buy a Trapper Keeper and write his name all over it in pink highlighter.

J.D. Martinez – 0-for-4, lowering his average to .254.  The pressure of being the Astros’ hope and dreams obviously caught up to him.

Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Threw six no-hit innings until Cody Ross took him deep.  He’s being sent back down, but is well worth watching for when he returns.  Probably not the first person to make this comparison, but Teheran, Delgado, Minor, Beachy and Hanson?  Sounds a lot like what Leo Mazzone was rocking back and forth to for so many years like he was The Masturbating Bear.

Arodys Vizcaino – Speaking of dazzling Brave arms, Vizcaino has 5 1/3 IP, 5 Ks, 2 hits allowed and no earned runs so far since his call-uuuuuuuuup a’la Dave Hester.

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course, he didn’t get the win.  Why would he?  I started him after all.  I will now walk barefoot on crushed glass.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Continuing to limp along.  Cuff him with Cishek or Dunn.

Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Well, that Nova burnt out quickly.

Troy Tulowitzki – Homered for the 2nd game in a row.  It must be August or September.  (Which is totally unfair, he was actually pretty solid all year.)

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has five straight quality starts.  He’s not owned everywhere, according to ESPN, but he should be.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Here’s a video of what Marmol did last night.

Justin Verlander – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, which brings him to a 2.31 ERA, 0.88 WHIP and 204 Ks.  Will be a real joy in the playoffs when Tim McCarver explains how Verlander burst onto the scene this year, failing to mention how he’s been dominating 3 of the past 4 years.

Neil Walker – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 8.  For someone that was cold for so long this might be the start of something.

Bobby Parnell – The Mets confirmed yesterday what I had been saying for a few weeks.  Parnell will take over the closer job now that Izzy got his 300th save.  Although the whole time I was saying it, I never stopped to think about it.  Who cares if Izzy saved 300 games?  Wasn’t like the Mets were doing this for the fanfare.  Izzy didn’t even record his 300th save in Metco.  Did Outback Steakhouse donate 300 blooming onions to the first 300 fans for the next Mets game?  Do the Mets want Izzy to wear their cap when he’s inducted into baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame with Fred McGriff?  300 saves is about as illustrious as a manager winning 300 games over the course of four seasons.  May the who’s better “Jason Isringhausen vs. Jeff Reardon” debates now start in earnest!

Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today.  We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back.  Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team?  Sure, what better way to raise the white flag?  For instance, you keep getting emails from your leaguemates asking if you’re paying attention.  You no longer have to reply to everyone; just put Morneau in your lineup.  Everyone will get the hint.  Of course, I’m only 25% joking.  If Morneau’s on waivers, you may as well pick him up.  If he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll help you empathize with everyone else who had him on their team all year long.  Or maybe you should pick up Morneau because everyone who hasn’t owned him all year will die in ghastly ways like the fantasy baseball version of Final Destination.  ”You weren’t supposed to avoid Morneau this year.  Now he’s coming for you.  Ahhhh!!!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 28th and 29th steals.  Now who’s Shane and who’s Feign Victorino?  Shane might be Feign and Maybin might be Shane.  The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain.  Lovers wanna meet Virginia, Train.  EPMD dropped Jane in the refrain and Buehrle should buy a Corvette for DeWayne — Wise!  The preceding was fantasy baseball advice told to me by Twista.

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.

Mike Morse – Went for an MRI after being hit by a Ryan Dempster pitch.  The MRI revealed it was a left elbow contusion.  Then the MRI revealed it likes to play hacky sack and loves Chinese food.  If there’s any MRIs with similar likes, they should go on a date.

Arthur Rhodes – The Cardinals signed the 41-year-old lefty.  At the press conference, he said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has a 2.35 ERA and a 0.87 WHIP.  Pretty incredible that both of those numbers are below Miggy’s BAC.

Curtis Granderson – Hit his 32nd homer.  Or his 4th homer in the last three games.  Or twelve months after I owned him in every league!

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer with a .303 average. In the preseason I said, “I like him in the 2nd round, but not in the first round.  Usually I can build up enough venom for even the nicest of players if I think they’re overrated.  I had a real hard time getting totally down on Cano, in the non-sexual way.  His skill set tells me that he’s a 25-homer, .310 hitter.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far I look right and wrong.  He is a 25 homer, .310 hitter, but there were so many landmines in the 1st round this year that Cano actually merits some recognition for not disappointing.

Mariano Rivera – Got the save yesterday but also gave up a run for the third straight game.  His arm would have to fall off for him to lose the job, but maybe 1192 career innings was his agreed upon limit with the devil.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  Speaking of landmines in the early rounds of a draft, what a turd sandwich this guy’s season has been.  For some unwelcome perspective, Zimmerman:  6 homers and 27 RBIs — Aramis Ramirez:  21 homers and 71 RBIs.  Bummerman.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Looks like an unprepared runner finishing their first marathon, limping to his innings limit finish line with his nipples bleeding earned runs.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Guess how many homers he has?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches chin, taps finger, cracks neck, makes an upside down West Side gang sign to the mailman*  Oh, forget it!  He has 19 homers!  Crazy, right?

Hideki Matsui – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.  Not Godzilla anime porn though; gross!

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.72.  As Dave Hester would say, “Yuuuuuuup!”

Juan Gutierrez – Tranfered from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL.  I transfered him from my “I don’t care” list to my “I really don’t care” list.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 15th steal, while raising his average to .309.  I can think of one outfielder that is definitely going disappoint next year.  His name rhymes with Welky Wabrera.

Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sometimes I wish a pitcher would just become totally unusable rather than go from good to bad back to good and make it impossible to know when to start him.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course he has a 1.97 ERA on the year.  Why wouldn’t he?  I mean, Dan Uggla has a 31 game hitting streak. Now I will put shoes on my hands and walk upside down into a nail salon and get a manicure on my toes.  Cause that all makes sense in opposite world.