Fantasy Baseball Advice

Carlos Pena is out for the remainder of the season according to the St. Petersburg Times.  My question is, why is a Russian newspaper reporting this?  Guess my over under of 41 homers for Pena is gonna end just under at 39.  One of these years, he’s going to have one of those lucky seasons and hit for .280 and everyone… My brain just tapped me on my shoulder and reminded me Pena had one of those seasons, it was in 2007.  Oh, brain.  What would I ever do without you?  So now that Pena’s done, you’re going to need to grab some power — try Drew Stubbs — he’s out of his flippin’ mind.  I keed.  I’d try Andy Marte, Casey McGehee, Carlos Guillen, Mora or Juan Uribe, in that order.  Marte will kill you on average though, so he’ll fit perfectly into Pena’s vacated spot.  And, yes, I just sorta-kinda recommended Juan Uribe.  No diggity!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Clayton Kershaw – Will miss a start with a bruised shoulder.  Probably could’ve went if the Dodgers needed him to.  Get used to news like this.  Pitchers will be contracting all sorts of minor ailments in the last few weeks to miss starts as clubs try to keep their innings in check.

J.A. Happ – Out with an oblique strain.  See 1/8 of an inch above for exact reason why he’s out.

Troy Tulowitzki – Aggravated his back.  (That’s the last time he says he likes his torso better.)  This is the opposite of the Kershaw news.  Because the Rockies need Tulo, he’ll probably return to the lineup as soon as possible.  Think two days.  Now hope the power of positive thinking works.

Brett Gardner – Will split time in center with Melky Cabrera. (You ever own Melky, look at his name in your lineup, see M. Cabrera and think to yourself, “I have Miguel Cabrera playing outfield?  That’s awesome!”  Maybe it’s a symptom of having too many teams.)

Phil Hughes – Won his 6th game and now has a 3.07 ERA on the year.  Hopefully, he’ll be more successful in his transition back to a starter than Joba.

Chris Carpenter – 1 hit shutout with 10 Ks.  He has a 2.16 ERA on the year with 16 wins.  His Ks are low, but if he can get his ERA under 2, it’ll be hard to deny him another Cy Young.

Kyle Lohse – Returns to the rotation on Saturday and gives Boggs the bullpen bump (alliteration in lieu of wit).

B.J. Upton – Returned from his ankle injury and picked up right where he left off with an 0-for-2 while hitting at the bottom of the lineup.

Vicente Padilla/Brad Penny – 6 IP, 2 ER and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively.  And you wonder why I like NL pitchers?

Juan Uribe – 2 HRs and 5 RBIs.  He’s a terrible hitter, but even terrible hitters get hot.  I know, that sounds like winning copy from the desk of Pete Campbell.

Jeff Manship – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  The Manship has landed and it’s filled with prawns yawns.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 1 ER.  From perfection to mediocrity to quality start vs. the Red Sox.  Don’t try and figure him out, it’ll make you mad… (…men reference two lines above.  So I finally rented the first season of Mad Men.  Hmm… maybe I listened to too much of the hype machine, but I was expecting a The Wire-type masterpiece.  It left me wanting something more… Maybe a cigarette.  Oh, and if you want to discuss the show in the comments, remember I’ve only seen the first season.  Respect the guy who just rented Season 2.)

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 as he stole his 60th base yesterday.  FYI, Jacoby Ellsbury is the first player to steal 60 bases with a law firm name, since Shorty Fuller of the 1890 St. Louis Browns.  I got Shorty Fuller on retainer, see.

Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday.  Look who decided to wake up from his two month slumber.

Kyle Davies – 5 IP, 11 baserunners, only one K and he gave up a homer.  Guess how many earned runs he gave up.  One!  How is that even mathematically possible?  I’ll need to ask someone at Elias Sports Bureau or Jayson Stark.

Billy Butler – 2 HRs yesterday.  I really want him to tank in September so he’s a “sleeper” next year.  (Sorry for the toolbag quotes around sleeper, but he won’t be a sleeper sleeper.  Like an actual player who no one knows about next year, because I have a feeling The ESPN Hindsighter and every other Tom, Dick and Karabell will be touting him.  So he’ll be a sleeper in the sense everyone says he’s a sleeper, so he no longer is.  Then again, I thought people would jump on the Mark Reynolds bandwagon and no one did.)

Krispie Young – You probably hate him if you owned him earlier in the year, but he’s out of Coors and is still hitting homers.  After three homers on Sunday, he hit another one yesterday.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 baserunners, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  Now has five straight solid starts and a 3.12 ERA on the year.  Under.  Rated.

Derrek Lee – Since his birth of his son, he’s hit 4 homers, hitting his 30th and 31st homer yesterday.  If only Lee were married to Octo-Mom.

How about them White Sox?!  Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week.  One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy.  Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury.  Another piece, Alex Rios.  I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago. He’s batting a cool .156 for the Sox with one homer and one steal.  Those stats are also known as Less Than What Drew Stubbs Did Any Day This Week.  You drafted Rios pretty high, I’m sure.  It didn’t work out.  Holding him is compounding your mistake. Anyway, here’s so other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

The G-Sizzle Fizzle loses more carbonation as we head into September.  Grady Sizemore will undergo surgery prior to the end of the season.  This means you will lose him at some point this month.  The longer the Indians push him the more of a chance that he may not be ready for spring training.  The Indians are playing for $23 worth of trinkets right now so this is a no-brainer for them.  And a no-brainer is the Indians’ management specialty.  They called up Michael Brantley to eventually fill-in full-time for Sizemore.  Last night, Brantley played left field (went 2-for-4, batted 9th).  In 115 games in Triple-A, Brantley had 43 steals.  He’ll probably be a liability on average, but for those steal-starved teams out there — SAGNOF!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Left with a tight hamstring.  Had one of those last Thanksgiving on the Hormel.  Had to chew around it.

Michael Young – His hamstring is a little more serious with a strain.  If I had to guess, I’d say he’s headed to the DL.  Though, knowing the way Young loves his 200 hit seasons, he may just play gimpy.  Hehe, I said gimpy.

Neftali Feliz – Has one earned run, 26 Ks and ONE WALK (caps for emphasis and the guy reading over your shoulder) in 19 and two-thirds innings.  Holy heffin hey!

Josh Hamilton – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his season total to ten.  Almost as big a bust as the one he was seen licking whipped cream off of.

Chris Davis – 5-for-8 in yesterday’s doubleheader with a homer.  And no strikeouts!

Tim Hudson – Last time he pitched in the majors, I titled the post, “Whoscow for the Hudson,” and he went off to see, Dr. Freeze.  (Oddly, in the post where Hudson was injured, so was Michael Young.  They’re cosmically linked, I tell ya.  Kismet, I say.  When Michael Young slides, Tim Hudson’s pants get dirty.)  Hudson’s line this game (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks) is almost exactly what I would imagine you’ll get from him the rest of the season.  Iffy five inning games.  Worth it in some leagues, not in others.

Jorge Posada – 2 HRs yesterday.  Why doesn’t he have a “de la” in the middle of his name?

Carlos Guillen – It pains me to keep saying nice things about Guillen, yet here he is again with another homer.

Andy Marte – Now has 4 homers in the last seven games.  I dropped some schmohawk for him in one of my leagues.  This is a trust exercise.  Just fall into Marte’s arms.  He’ll catch you.

Carlos Carrasco – 3 IP, 6 ER.  Was in my September call ups Markie Post-thingie.  I said I liked him for next season.  Never said I liked him for this one.  Okay, I did like him for this one, but that was last December.

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hey, Cole, nice of you to join us for September.

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  His walks aren’t a thing of beauty, but you know what is?  His collection of air sickness bags? No, I’m going to tell you, random italicized voice.  His Ks.  He has 145 Ks in 132 1/3 innings.  That makes him ownable everywhere.  Well, except in 4 x 4 leagues, but no one plays them anymore, do they?

David Wright - Went 1-for-3 in his return as he wore an American Gladiator helmet.

Andy Sonnanstine – 4 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Glad to see he didn’t lose his lack of stuff in the minors.

Garrett Jones – Another homer.  Argh, I’m actually excited for Pirates.  Okay, pop quiz, hot shot.  Who’s been more valuable this year, Garrett Jones or Ryan Ludwick?  You infer the answer.

Mike Carp – Called up for the M’s and should see a decent amount of time.  He has moderate pop, not a great average.  Outside of deep leagues (>12), I’d just wait to see.  (BTW, that’s a greater than symbol and a twelve.  Not some kind of weird teenager texting language meaning a heart next to a coat hanger or something.)

Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Has a 2.90 ERA on the year with 133 1/3 innings.  Is his name in the Rookie of the Year convos?  Hmm, I just did, didn’t I?  For what it’s worth, and I guess it is worth something since you’re reading this, I think Wells is going to slightly disappoint next year.

Jeff Manship – 5 IP, 1 ER vs. the Called It A Day White Sox.  Besides having a last name that sounds like a cruise hosted by Adam Carolla, Manship has good control and decent K-stuff.  Listen, if the Twins start him, he’s probably better than most.  He’ll have the same growing pains as most rookie pitchers, but could have matchup potential.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Another solid start from The dlR.  I hope the Rockies miss the playoffs just so dlR’s innings stay low(er) and I can draft him without worries next year.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, HR and steal yesterday.  You know what I really like here?  Besides the homer, he was only on base once (a walk) and he stole a base.  That’s the kind of initiative we need in September.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  If he didn’t pitch well in Petco vs. the Nats, there would have been problems.

Vicente Padilla – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  It’s nice in the NL West, ain’t it?

Felix Pie – HR yesterday for his 4th homer in the last eight games.  No idea where the power is coming from.  Maybe Aubrey Huff left behind some corked bats.  Whatever the case, when the player’s hot, grab them.  By the time I write about him in the Buy section of Friday’s post, Pie may no longer be hot.

Adam Jones – Left the game with an ankle injury.  Is it me or is this guy injured every other week?  Maybe he’s doing it to get a prescription of medicinal marijuana.