Fantasy Baseball Advice

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20

Went over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops and top 20 3rd basemen for 2011. Guess what’s next!  No, not pitchers. Read the title, man.  In 2010, there were only 5 outfielders that hit 30 homers, this year there were 9.  It isn’t exactly like a bleached Sammy Sosa is sticking players with needles, but at least the rich got a little richer — yay, capitalism!  Steals were still in abundance, and that doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere any time soon.  There were 14 outfielders who stole 30 bases with Michael Bourn still eating the baby out of the king cake.  Since outfield is a deep position, I’m going to turn this one to 40.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Matt Kemp – In the preseason, I ranked him 12th overall for all players.  Find another ‘pert who ranked him that high last year.  You’re wasting your time, you won’t find them.  I ranked him as the 2nd outfielder overall.  Just off Ryan Braun.  He was drafted on average 26th overall and some ‘perts had him in the 40′s.  He wasn’t an obvious pick.  2010 was not a good year, but he dropped his ball and anchor — or is it whips and chains? — and asked you to say his name.  In the preseason, I said, “A total off year in 2010.  That’s clear.  He still hit 28 home runs and stole 19 bases.  Sure, he hit .249, but he’s a career .285 hitter and his BABIP shows he was horribly unlucky last year.  Yes, his Ks went up, but what happens when someone is unlucky?  They press and start swinging at more pitches outside the strike zone.  At 26 years old for the majority of 2011, now is not the time to give up on Kemp.”  You can’t make that shizz up.  Okay, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double-check it.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/30/105/.285/22, Final Numbers: 115/39/126/.324/40

2. Jacoby Ellsbury – And as right as I was on Kemp, I didn’t see any of this Ellsbury season coming.  About a month into the season I even compared Ellsbury to Gardner.  While Gardner didn’t have a bad season, Ellsbury came out of nowhere with power that made him way more valuable.  But the whole “came out of nowhere” thing makes me think we’re looking at a career year for Ellsbury.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  90/7/70/.290/45, Final Numbers: 119/32/105/.321/39

3. Ryan Braun – In honor of The Hebrew Hammer, I wrote this about three weeks ago on Yom Kippur so I’ll make this fast.  Zing!  BTW, what’s the only thing you’re allowed to eat during Yom Kippur?  Atone-mints.  Zadow!  The fact that Braun wasn’t the number one outfielder with the year he had is more an (old) testament to the guys above him.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/32/120/.295/15, Final Numbers:  109/33/111/.332/33

4. Curtis Granderson – It sure was fun while it was going on, but now that Grandy’s 2011 is over it’s time to get real, I mean, was he for real?  God, no.  Will depend on where he gets drafted next year, but off the top of my head I’ll say he will be overrated next year.  Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.260/15, Final Numbers:  136/41/119/.262/25

5. Jose Bautista – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

6. Justin Upton – There’s guys that will repeat 2011 for a few years if they can avoid injury like Braun and there’s guys like Grandy and Melky.  Upton’s not a Melky or Grandy.  He’s a Braun.  Though Upton’s a lot more the Upton we saw this year than Braun was the Braun that we saw this year.  And that sentence wasn’t half as confusing in my head.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  85/26/95/.270/20, Final Numbers:  105/31/88/.289/21

7. Michael Bourn – There’s a few Razzball concepts that just work perfectly, if I can be so immodest.  SAGNOF is one.  It becomes apparent when you see ESPN rank someone like Bourn 7th overall.  Imagine on April 15th you were to trade Bourn straight up for Justin Upton then grab someone off waivers like Coco Crisp.  Your league would’ve had a conniption.  People would’ve immediately started sending notarized letters to your commissioner, using synonyms for unfair that they found in the thesaurus.  Preseason Rank #40 1/2, 2011 Projections:  80/3/40/.265/45, Final Numbers: 94/2/50/.294/61

8. Melky Cabrera – First player to come out of nowhere, but I don’t think he was the 8th ranked outfielder.  (I know it seems like I recap the players according to the ESPN Player Rater then disagree with it every step of the way, but c’est la vie, as Francouer would say.)  Melky’s stats made him a great third outfielder, solid across the board production.  As for where this season from Melky came from, he’s being seriously aided by plate appearances.  706 PA’s last year for 18 homers and 20 steals?  If his PA’s fall into the 550 range as they had most years prior to 2011, his stats are gonna look like Mike Aviles.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  102/18/87/.305/20

9. Alex Gordon – I recapped Alex Gordon’s season already.  I wrote that while stuffing a duck’s gullet for some foie gras.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  101/23/87/.303/17

10. Carlos Gonzalez – I knew CarGo wasn’t repeating his 2010, gave you preseason projections that were almost perfect and told you he was overrated.  Yet, I feel like he didn’t disappoint as much as he could have.  How dare you overperform your underperformance!  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/24/95/.285/20, Final Numbers:  92/26/92/.295/20

11. Hunter Pence – Here’s a guy that is cast in the Braun/Upton mold.  You can set your watch to a decent year from Pence.  Give or take some power, some speed, some average… Well, his stats are always there…thereabouts.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  90/25/90/.290/15, Final Numbers:  84/22/97/.314/8

12. Lance Berkman – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

13. Jeff Francoeur – Imagine if the peasant Royals would’ve actually had some pitching in 2011.  They would’ve easily made the postseason only to be bounced by the Rangers.  The Royals had more runs scored than the Phillies, Brewers and Rays.  As for fantasy, guys that surprise by overproducing are terrific.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — how many fantasy owners actually got these seasons in their entirety?  In deep leagues?  Sure.  You draft a guy like Frenchy and pray, then thank your deity of choice when he pans out.  But in shallow leagues, you look at a guy like Frenchy and maybe pick him up after he does some hitting, then maybe drop him when he stops for a few weeks then maybe you grab him again, but you don’t have these players for the whole season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/20/87/.285/22

14. Michael Morse – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

15. Josh Hamilton – Ellsbury threw me for a loop, Grandy exceeded my expectations by a shizzton and Melky did what no one thought he could with a bunch of plate appearances, but Hamilton once again did exactly what I thought he would.  Good while healthy with “while healthy” having its own solar system.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/27/100/.305/7, Final Numbers: 80/25/94/.298/8

16. B.J. Upton – People seem to hate B.J.  I think it’s the low average bias that permeates fantasy.  It’s odd that there’s such a bias when average is the hardest thing to predict.  Hate on low power or low speed, but low average?  It’s a horn bet.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections:  95/17/75/.250/40, Final Numbers: 82/23/81/.243/36

17. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

18. Andrew McCutchen – Last year we found out that The Dread Pirate wasn’t quite ready to take the next step like I thought he would.  He didn’t come up that short, but short enough as they say at dwarf bowling.  I really try to focus on making these blurbs about what the players did last year rather than looking ahead, but that’s easier said than done.  The Dread Pirate is gonna be my 2012 Matt Kemp.  There’s no one more exciting to me for next year that had a slightly down year.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/18/60/.290/38, Final Numbers: 87/23/89/.259/23

19. Coco Crisp – At 31 years old, he had his best season.  Coco Crisp must’ve been eating his Lucky Charms.  All of these steals came from a Billy Beane-GM’d team.  I guess there’s market efficiencies with steals now.  You’re probably not asking yourself what I thought of Moneyball, but I’ll tell you anyway.  SPOILER ALERT (but the movie has been out for over a month, you really have that much to do?)  I was kinda disappointed.  To go all EW on you, I’d give it a B, but I was hoping for an A.  Damn you, expectations.  I know Michael Lewis glossed over the fact Zito, Mulder, Hudson and the steroid-fueled Chavez and Tejada were actually a big part of the A’s success so I figured the movie would do the same.  It did.  They want a fairy tale about how some unknowns carried the team to glory.  Yay, Scott Hatteberg is undervalued and he uses a bat carved from a tree that lightning struck!  Not really, but whatever.  I was more disappointed because I was bored during stretches and I didn’t like Jonah Hill at all.  Hey, let’s get the Jew to find value where others are missing it!  Finally, I wanted some unintentional comedy with Royce Clayton playing Tejada.  “Hey, Miggy, do you have diabetes?”  Cut to:  Tejada holding a syringe.  Tejada, “Yes.  Blood sugar low.”  Though that song the daughter sings is hella (do the kids still say this?) catchy.  Should’ve changed the lyrics though:  I’m just a GM stuck in Oakland… I’m kind of sick of being so broke and having my team get to the playoffs only to choke.  Slow it down, make it stop… Miguel Tejada’s arms look like their gonna pop… BTW, if you wanna read movie reviews, my friend has a movie review blog.  Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22, Final Numbers:  69/8/54/.264/49

20. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.

The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story.  So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues.  Then there was a buzzing noise.  This buzzing noise meant something.  You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something.  If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.”  “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?”  “The  only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.”  “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues.  In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.”  Long pause.  “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story.  I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:

Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL.  I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy.  Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing?  That would be so awesome.  On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.

Roy Halladay – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks.  Sure, but he didn’t have to face the Padres best hitter, Nick Hundley.

Albert Pujols – Left the game with tightness in his hamstring.  Day-to-day as of this writing.  Or D2D, if you like these things to look like R&B groups.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I think I was supposed to draft Max Scherzer, The Nazi Killer, on at least one team.  What happened to that?  Or as Al Capps would say, “WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN?!”

Ryan Raburn – You gave up on him.  Yeah, you did.  Okay, lie to yourself.  Either way, he’s playing every day and he hit 2 homers in the last four games.

Darwin Barney – 2-for-5 yesterday and hitting .329 so far.  He has no homers and 1 steal on the year.  Is he doing more than the middle infielder schmohawk behind door number #1?  Yeah, probably, but don’t get carried away.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, batting .402, 5 homers and 8 steals, not in just this game that would’ve been a record, except for a few games there in the early 2000s when Bonds was shooting up.  Kemp is on some kind of mission to prove he doesn’t need Torre, an owner or a woman to get the job done.  Doing work, son.  I like to think right now Kemp is in the locker room talking about himself in third person and wearing a kaftan.  Why?  Because he can!

Andre Ethier – I think he’s hit in every game this season.  So far I’m like 0-for-schmohawks with my overrated posts, but the season is young like Delmon.

John Lackey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Not-Los Angeles County.  Maybe Lackey was pumped to face his old team, I don’t know.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 and a home run.  After the game, Crawford said he totally overslept his alarm clock by three and a half weeks.  Oopsie!

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I kinda don’t even want to talk about Wolf right now because he’s carrying our supposed-to-be-Gallardo-led LABR staff.

Rickie Weeks – Returned from a hand thingie-ma-whosie and hit a homer.  Appropriate of nothing… For some reason, I see Rickie Weeks singing the lyrics, “Felt on the big fat fanny,” louder than all the other words in It Was A Good Day.

Mike Aviles – Had the AYCE Slam & Legs yesterday when he gobbled down two homers and a steal.  Don’t like Aviles, but this could be the start of a hot streak.  If you’re hurting at middle infield, I’m not above picking up someone I don’t like.

Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3 with a Freedom Fly.  He was a Buy in Friday’s post that I wrote while burping ulcer bile caused by my family visiting.

Mike Napoli – Now has 5 homers in 32 at-bats.  He now has more homers than games started.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 Ks and hitting .247 on the year.  Wait, wasn’t he supposed to win the MVP after the first week of the season?  Sonavathelastthreeweeks!

Danny Espinosa – He was one of our favorite MI sleepers coming into the season as he’s shown 20/20 potential and solid job security.  The biggest negatives were AVG (over/under at .245) and lineup position (which drives Runs/RBIs).  The AVG concerns aren’t going anywhere but he’s been hitting leadoff this week which should help his Runs and SB attempts.  He finally got his first SB on Sunday and wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a streak like his MI-mate Ian Desmond.

Michael Morse – 6 for his last 16 with a homer yesterday.  Maybe it just took him a while to step up to the immense sleeper potential put on him.  (<–not sarcastic!)

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd homer in two games.  If a mohel in your league circumcised Zobrist from their team a little too quickly, you should grab him.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.35 on the year.  Yeah, he’s bouncing back.  I’d start him every time out sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and has an ERA of 3.00.  I feel like I was supposed to own him too.  Why do I not own any of the breakout guys that I wanted that are doing good but own all the potential breakout guys that aren’t doing well?  Why do you make me suffer Fantasy Gods?

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The sun did come out for Morrow.  Bet your bottom dollar!

Brett Cecil – Demoted to Triple-A not because he threw tantrums in the dugout.  But because he threw tantrums in the dugout after not pitching well.  Throw a tantrum after pitching well and you’re labeled eccentric and awesome.

Aaron Hill – Finally goes on DL after almost a whole week of waitin’ and seein’.  Evidently, the Blue Jays are playing in a weekly league vs. a daily league.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I told you he was a great guy to draft…Only I told you about 13 months too early.  Excuse me if you can’t handle my prescience.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6 to raise his average .257.  Not a huge fan, but I did almost make Jeter a Buy on Friday.  He’s not done done, just not the Pasta Diving Jeter he once was.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has pain in his right knee.  His left knee said, “Join the club!”

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Beachy didn’t leave many stranded.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another guy I loved in the preseason that I should own everywhere, yet don’t.  Dubya tee eff, doode, dubya tee eff.

Brad Ziegler – Attributes his early success with his new diet that includes drinking soy milk.  Luckily he didn’t start drinking V-8 as that might jeopardize his pitching motion.

Anibal Sanchez – Took a no-hitter into the ninth on Friday.  This was what I wrote to Rudy this weekend over IM.  “Here’s our luck thus far in our leagues.  One pitcher we’ve dropped in all our leagues so far…. The one pitcher we felt we should’ve never drafted and that was expendable… The pitcher we dropped in one league for Phil Effin’ Coke was… Anibal Sanchez.”  Rudy responded with, “I saw.”  There was nothing else to say.  The pain was palpable.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member that Go West “King of Wishful Thinking” thing I said about Marcum starting the All-Star Game?  Yeah, it’s gonna be Johnson.  Be fun to watch his porn star brother Gosh Johnson work the All-Star crowd for groupies.  “We’re gonna have a Johnson signing event in my hotel room from 2 to 3.  That’s 2 PM to 3 AM.”

Scott Rolen – Who had Easter Sunday for the Rolen to DL pool (with strained left shoulder that’s been a persistent issue for him)?  Collect your money.  For now, Cairo is the replacement and is recommended in all Fantasy Razzball league formats (aka you get points for negative performance).  Juan Francisco will get some starts when he returns from the DL.  He’s got serious power but has more holes in his swing than Augusta National.  He’s a good stash in NL-only though.

David Wright – The AYCE slam & legs (2 HR, 1 SB) with 3 runs and 3 RBIs.  Watching the carcass tandem of Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran play so hard must be inspiring him.

Jason Pridie – With Angel Pagan on the DL (did he tag in Jason Bay first?), Terry Collins looked at his corner OFs (Bay and Beltran) and decided he needed better than the average at best defense of Willie Harris and Scott Hairston in CF.  Pridie has a good defensive reputation and has shown speed in the minors (25 SBs a year in two full AAA seasons) but, despite his HR on Sunday, is a below average hitter that’s worthless outside of NL-only leagues.  Or as Larry David would say, “He is (not) pridie pridie good.”

Zack Greinke – He’s still on pace for an early May return.  Only 3 things could derail it:  1) he plays pickup basketball, 2) he has a mental episode, or 3) he has a mental episode about not playing pickup basketball.