Fantasy Baseball Advice

This isn’t meant to replace Smokey’s two-start pitchers for fantasy that comes every weekend. This is meant to supplement that, like something A-Rod’s cousin would give you. This isn’t two start pitchers, this is barely owned guys that could give you one start. A pick up and a drop. They’re all owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues. Pretty much everything I told you in the beginning of the year about trusting your big guns and not trusting the wayward sons-of-bees goes out the window this time of year. If you’re battling for pitching points or in the H2H playoffs, you need to take some chances I wouldn’t necessarily take in April. Suddenly, Jeff Francis looks ownable and John Lannan doesn’t look like John Lannan, but looks like a guy whose home ERA is under 3. So I’ve assembled starters from Friday, the new Hump Day, until next Wednesday, the old Hump Day, that you could take a chance on depending on how bad your pitching shituation is. I’m not completely proud of all of these guys, but their mommas are (even Momma Lannan). Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 9th

Bud Norris – Has a great K-rate and goes against the Nationals, a team that is 2nd in the majors in strikeouts.  Could see him getting tagged for a homer or two, but should give you 6 innings and at least 6 Ks.  There’s a chance here for a 7 IP, 10 Ks game.  Fancy me some of that!

Jeff Francis – Game is in Safeco.  Yes, that’s all you need to know.  A recurring theme will emerge.  Recurring Theme, “Safeco!”  See?

Saturday, September 10th

Henderson Alvarez – My very-risky-may-not-be-risky-at-all start of the week.  Why do I sound like a less racist Jimmy The Greek?  Alvarez won’t strikeout many guys but, as long as balls don’t find holes — that’s what she said! — he should be okay.

Chris Capuano – Has been better in Metco than on the road and he gets the below-average Cubs offense at home.

John Lannan – I aforementioned this shizz if you read the lead — or lede if you’re an old-timer who likes the feel of a newspaper, Lannan’s home ERA is under 3 and he gets the Astros.

Edwin Jackson – This start worries me and I debated leaving it off, so there’s that.

Wade Miley – He gets the Padres.  This will be another recurring theme –  Recurring Theme, “Padres!” — but not for this week.  Recurring Theme, “My bad.”

Sunday, September 11th

Javier Vazquez – He falls under the 50% owned threshold, but he really shouldn’t.  So this one’s kind of a gimme.  Now watch him drop an upper decker.

Monday, September 12th

Brad Lincoln – Four score and four straight quality starts ago, he was a middle reliever.  Now he gets a team (the Cards) that he threw six shutout innings against.

Mike Leake – In 23 innings, he has a 2.74 ERA vs. the Cubs, including his last game where he was within an out of a one-hitter.

R.A. Dickey – He rematches against Wang for the Toilet Bowl II.

Phil Hughes – Recurring Theme, “Safeco!”

Aaron Harang – He goes against the Giants and rookie Surkamp, who I almost listed here too.  Conflict of interests yadda³.

Tuesday, September 13th

Guillermo Moscoso – Honestly, only because I had to pick someone.  It’s Tuesday the 13th… Spooky!

Wednesday, September 14th

Brandon McCarthy – I expect he’s gonna get rattled in his Friday start vs. the Rangers because, ya know, they’re good.  Here he goes against the Torii Hunter Peter Bourjos Vernon Wells Howie Kendrick Mark Trumbo-led Angels.

Chris Narveson – There’s a chance this start may not happen, but if it does against Colorado… Keep on pushing my love to the borderline…fantasy baseball starters.

Josh Hamilton left the game with a fracture to his humerus bone, which isn’t connected to the funny bone.  He was going down the line head first into home and… Well, he’s Mr. Glass, so what do you expect?  Ron Washington can’t believe anyone could ever get hurt going down a line head first.  “Nothing but fun to be had there!”  That’s Washington talking about the devil’s dandruff.  I think Kinsler, Cruz and Hamilton share gloves so one of them must always be on the DL.  This opens up playing time for David Murphy.  I’ve long been a fan of Murph.  Has 15/15 potential and won’t kill you in any categories.  I’d grab him in all leagues.  Yeah, even yours.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – With the injury to Hamilton, Davis was recalled.  Somewhere, Bill James can now wear his cut-off, denim shorts and proudly show off his tramp stamp tattoo that reads, “I love Chris Davis.”  Without an injury, I can’t imagine Davis gets much playing time, but he’s still worth a pick up in AL-Only leagues for the off chance of him pulling magic out of his hat.

Michael Young – 3-for-3 as he played 2nd base.  Guess who’s going to have 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues by mid-May?  Hint:  His name appears at the beginning of this blurb.

Mike Napoli – Hasn’t started since Saturday.  The conference of MLB managers that is held every year in Pensacola, Florida the first weekend of December is highlighted by Saturday’s all day seminar titled, “How To Prevent Napoli From Hitting 30 HRs In a Year.”

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks and only allowed one hit.  After the game, Haren received a call of congratulations from Armando Galarraga.

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-3 with his first homer.  The guy with the hockey player last name has 10 homer power and 30 steal speed, yet I feel like everyone’s already given up on him.  For shame.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his first homer the same day it was reported Kendrys was able to run.  Somebody Gillooly him please.

Clayton Richard – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Dee Gordon – I just picked him up all over the place.  Probably a bit preemie on that but with Furcal out, I gots to get me some upside at MI.  Gordon can steal 50 bases this year.  Now call him up!

Ryan Raburn – Batted third and went 2-for-4 with 2 Runs, 1 RBI and one formal apology to Leyland for not enjoying his secondhand smoke enough.  I hate to be ungrateful, but how do you not start a guy then bat him third?  Is this only bonkers to me?  Oh, I know.  In Monday’s game, Raburn replaced Mags in the three hole, so since Leyland has never heard of White Out he just left the lineup the same.

Chris Volstad – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, no one owns this schmohawk anyway, right?

Omar Infante – 0-for-4, batting .244.  You really shouldn’t have drafted him.  He’s worse than yawnstipating.

Sam Fuld – 1-for-4, still batting leadoff, still stealing bases, still not a great hitter but OWH (Own While Hitting).

Kyle Farnsworth – Recorded his second save and this one was a perfect inning.  If you’re circling around the Rays on the wings of Peralta or McGee waiting for vulture saves, you’re going hungry.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs, batting .395 on the year.  There’s Dirty Sanchez, Filthy Sanchez and now Abandoned Warehouse Sanchez.  Big sign over Abandoned Warehouse says “No squatters.”

Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-4, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but it’s wrong a lot more of the time.  Remember that.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I think he’s garbage but he gets the Mariners next time out who are more garbager.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4, now hitting over .500 in the last week though that was boosted by a 4-for-4 day on Sunday.  It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (3 on the year).  Now has more homers than he hit the last three Aprils combined.  Cust kayin’.

Edwin Jackson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I blame Juan Pierre.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I mean, I’d pick him up if he were on waivers, but I still don’t trust him to keep up this pace.

David Aardsma – Manager Eric Wedge said Aardsma will be the closer when he returns at the end of the month.  Wedge also said he doesn’t have a resume, but he can throw one together if it means a job managing a better team.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-3 and hit a homer yesterday batting between Rick Ankiel and Matt Stairs aka Blech and Belch.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, batting .450.  Nice the Nats are giving Ramos ABs over “My Nickname Pudge Wasn’t Always Ironic” Rodriguez.  I’m getting ahead of myself, but Ramos is going to be in Friday’s Buy column and those in two catcher leagues should embrace him.  Not literally, that would be weird.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wonder if he feels like the ugly redheaded stepchild.  You know, like Phillip on Survivor.

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  Sonavabench!  Why you ask did I have Howard on my bench?  Because stupid CBS locks lineups before the first stupid morning game whether the stupid Phillies are playing or not!  And CBS charges for this shizz!  Why can’t we make it standard across all platforms to lock lineups only for games underway?  Is this too much to effin’ ask?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I do like Romero.  Tis true, if people say tis when it’s not Christmas time, but this was against the M’s.

Michael Pineda – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hellickson was my AL ROY choice, but I almost went with Pineda.  Notice how I don’t mention I chose Freddie Freeman for the NL.  Well, they ain’t all roses.

Chris Carpenter – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Carpenter got hammered.

Lance Berkman – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in two days.  Don’t have faith in him, but don’t have to while he’s hot.

David Freese – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three days.  If you lost Zimmerman, I ain’t mad at cha if you add Freese.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, it wasn’t a 10 K performance like I would’ve liked to have seen, but it’s seven shutout innings so I’m going to shut up now.

Nate McLouth – Batted 2nd again with Heyward in the six hole.  What exactly did McLouth do right and Heyward, who homered yesterday, do wrong?  Are we pulling names out of a hat for the lineup card?  Fredi reaches in, “Batting third is…New Era.”  “Um, Coach, that’s the tag.”

Holy hell was week 1 long… though it’s always good when your ace goes three times in the first week. Hopefully, everyone has remained calm and not added Alex Avila and Willie Bloomquist to anchor anything not named a boat. It’s way too early to get all ‘Jerry McGuire’ and say, “The fish are coming with me.” This fantasy is a relationship — not a one night stand! Assuming that you drafted well and injuries or appendices don’t get in your way, your team should be built to last. To me, there is nothing sweeter than streaming. It makes your opponent think two things, “Hey, this guy is paying attention” and, “Damn, this guy wants to not only beat me but destroy me.” That is what it’s all about folks. Treat every week like you do the last week of the season and I guarantee those last few weeks will actually mean something. So here are your week 2, less owned, two start fantasy baseball hurlers. Good luck. (Pitchers and match ups may change so please be aware)

Kyle McClellan (@Ari-Enright, @LAD Kershaw) – Duncan is the Rumpelstiltskin of pitching. For now, I’m sold and will be until he hits that wall at 120 innings or so.

Joe Blanton (@Was- Lannan, Fla-Volstad) – Mentally it must suck to be known as the other guy.  No respect? No worries!  Thornton Melon’s got your back… Just stop giving up 7 run leads.

Michael Pineda (Tor-Romero, @KC Francis) – Good stuff, bad offense. Any start for a Seattle pitcher will be a crap shoot for a Win. They just don’t have the ‘O’ to go anywhere but last place.

Jason Hammel (@NYM-Pelfrey, CHC-Coleman) – Colorado’s offense versus a chronic hand licker and a guy who sounds like an female Irish bar keep? Yeah, it depends on the bar.

Brian Duensing (KC-Francis, @TB-Price) – Still SP/RP sexy. Rays are scuffling and Price isn’t as good as some ‘perts are sayin’. None here, of course.

Alexei Ogando (@Det-Verlander, @NYY-Burnett) – Rough match up week for the kid. Wait is 27 years old still a kid? Anyhoo, career high in innings is 41, which includes the minors.

Jesse Litsch (@Sea-Hernandez, @Bos-Matsuzaka) – Tough week for the road warrior pick. I went over Seattle above in a nut shell. Boston is the kid who falls asleep drunk and everyone draws on his face. Until he wakes up and kicks everyone’s ass.

Esmil Rogers (@ NYM- Niese, CHC- Dempster) – Gangly is the best word for him. Looks like an 8 foot octopus wearing a baseball hat. Deceptive delivery, plus lack of video equals fantasy gold until they figure him out.

Kevin Correia (Mil-Marcum, @Cin-Volquez) – Olympics, Kim Jong-il land the pitcher.  The three things we know about Korea.  Somewhere, James Taiwan is yearning for attention. Hard to be the ace of a bad team, usually a match up disaster.

Jeff Francis (@Min-Duensing, Sea -Pineda) – Rule of 2’s for shoulder surgery guys.  Hop on the KC bandwagon now… it’ll prolly run out of gas by June.

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

Playoffs. More like payouts. That’s what I am looking for right now. I know foosball starts on Sunday and I am pretty geeked up, but when there is money on the table I’m excited. I feel like Jimmy Conway after the Lufthansa heist. Now this list isn’t for everyone, I understand this. I’m from the school of, if you have the pitching that got you there then good, but one or two extra starts can really put it away for you. So take a peak, but don’t stare, you may go blind. I give you the semi-beneficial two start pitchers for the playoff push this week in fantasy baseball.

Trevor Bell (@Cle vs. Masterson) (@TB vs. Price)
Yeah, I know what you’re saying, “I’m in the playoffs and I want to pick up Trevor Bell?” You probably don’t, but just in case I put him on here. 3 ERA last 3 starts.

Travis Wood (Ari vs. Hudson) (@Hou vs. Myers)
Playoff pitchers pitch with guts. Cincy has shown that they can and will be able to hold off the ‘Lou. WHIP is a question mark but for quantity versus quality he is atop the list this week.

James McDonald (@NyM vs. Gee) (Ari vs. Enright)
I like him on any other team, besides Pittsburgh. I can say with confidence that he will be the only SP that will be draftable next year for the Pirates. ERA is mid 3’s at home, and the Mets pretty much gave up in June.

Jeff Francis (SD vs. Luebke) (@LA vs. Billingsley)
Playoff contender again, Colorado has it. They get it done when they need to, steal home, sacrifice in weird spots. Jim Tracy is an awesome player’s manager. 3.30 ERA last 6 starts.

Chris Narveson (@Hou vs. Myers) (@SF vs. Zito)
Pitching well without getting noticed, maybe should where a pink tutu and a clown hat. 1.5 K per inning in last 3 starts. Tough matchups maybe a sit and wait for Sunday pitcher.

Barry Enright (@Cin vs. Arroyo) (@Pit vs. McDonald)
Based on matchups you could do worse, cough Zach Duke. ERA still under 3, and it is barely above 2 in road starts. Guy’s numbers are pretty silly, minus one start, for a rookie that came out of nowhere.

Joe Blanton (@Fla vs. Mendez) (Was vs. Maya)
Love pitchers that are in a playoff push, have I mentioned this before. Numbers are mediocre and has burned you probably twice this year already. Pitches 2 runs better at the Citizen.

Carlos Silva (@StL vs. Garcia) (@Fla vs. Mendez)
Yeah, the poster child for “Why am I even reading this?“ Wouldn’t trust him farther than I could throw him, which is about 3 inches. Was 8-0 and ERA at 3.00 at one point this year, which seems like a decade and three heartbeats ago. A Sunday grab vs. Marlins.