Fantasy Baseball Advice

In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason.  Crazy, right?  Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician?  I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign.  Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.”  I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud.  He is what he is.  A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy.  This past April was his worst month ever.  The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006.  In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year.  Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160.  His career mark is .288.  That’s obviously a far way off.  I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not.  You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him.  Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9.  Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9.  I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks.  I <3 Medlen.

Brett Cecil – He’s my favorite hodgepodjay upside pick, but he too will be subjected to tough matchups.  Move Toronto to the NL!

Ian Kennedy – Even if we’re to assume 60% of ESPN leagues have been abandoned, how is he only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues?  He has a 1.14 WHIP with decent strikeout and walk rates.  I’ll buy that for a FAAB dollar!

Wade LeBlanc – Here’s to Tally McTallstein never returning.

Scott Olsen – Like Minnie Pearl, I’m gonna make it nice and simple for you.  Just went over Scott Olsen for fantasy.  Now click.

Hisanori Takahashi – Those of you looking for some Ks from your MRs, Takahashi has 26 Ks through 18 2/3 innings.  As Kevin Brauch says, konbanwa, ladies and gentlemen.

Tyler Clippard – Damn, dawg, I’m dropping the gauntlet on middle relievers.  That’s pitchy.

Starlin Castro – Don’t you wanna put an apostrophe on Starlin?  Yeah, me too.  Let’s start with what Stephen said in the Cubs Minor League Review, “He has more speed than his steals would even lead one to believe as he is still learning the stealing craft.  Oh, and sometimes I want to poison strangers.”  Hmm… Didn’t remember that last part.  Okay, you’d think with a name like Castro, they’d platoon him cause that’s the Communist thing to do.  Yeah, I don’t think that happens.  He’s playing shortstop and Theriot moves to 2nd base.  So the Silent T tag team of Theriot and Fontenot gets split up.  Too bad, so sad.  You guys were no Bushwhackers anyway.  Grab Castro in all leagues where you need speed.  I’d expect a line of 60/3/40/.290/27.  The Runs and RBIs are lineup placement dependent.  My thought is he plays half his games at the top of the order and half at the bottom, but that’s me hedging more than anything.  And welcome all the gardeners who Googled, Bushwhackers + hedging.

David Freese – Now, he has modest power and a great average.  Later, he’ll have modest power and a good average.  Mmm… Freese’ing a now and later.

Fred Lewis – Beans don’t burn on the grill, Fred’s working his way up that “Valuable in deep mixed leagues” hill.

J.D. Drew – This week’s ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH.  BTW, that’s pronounced like LOTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, but with an R.

Michael Saunders – Just went over him in this morning’s post.  Scroll down or click.  Your call.

Kila Ka’aihue – Now in most circumstances, I’d say a team bringing up Kila would play him, but we’re talking about the Royals.  They may be thinking that teams are making fun of them for not promoting Kila so they’ll bring him up and let him rot on the bench.  You know, the passive aggressive move.  Hopefully, Kila can find some ABs.  If he can, he’s worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues and maybe shallower.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Supposed to be bacchia by now, but he’s not yet because he’s working on his throwing.  We should see him soon.

Mike Aviles – Average, not much else.  Speaking of which, I wonder if people would respect pure average guys better if it was called something other than average, because average is so usual, passable, adequate.  Now if batting average were referred to as excellent, people would be clamoring for these guys.  That Aviles is an excellent player, not much else.  See?

Koji Uehara – When the media asked Alfredo Simon how he felt to be the O’s closer, Alfredo said, “I’m the closer?  That’s scarzy, which is a portmanteau of scary and crazy.  Like this girl I used to date.  Anyhoo, who wants some freshly ground pepper on their pasta?”  Those desperate for saves, commence vulturing on Koji now.

Alfredo Simon – Simon’s right; it is scarzy, but if he’s getting saves, you know the SAGNOF drill.

SELL

Doug Fister – It’s funny to watch ownership trends in ESPN.  And funny as in not funny at all but rather pedantic.  On April 13th, Fister throws 8 shutout innings.  Fluke!  No one adds him.  Next start, 7 IP, 1 ER.  Fluke!  Five days later, 8 IP, 2 ER.  Hmm…  Who is this guy?  Last start, 8 IP, 0 ER.  I’m adding him!  Now he’s sure to explode.

Wade Davis – Appeared (along with Mister Fister) in The Corrections.

Jeff Clement – Hey, he got almost two months over the course of four years and two teams to prove himself.  That’s plenty of time.

Lance Berkman – I totally regret drafting him in the one league where I have him.  It’s a 20 team league making me kinda SOL.  For most of you, you can trade Berkman for a small piece and just grab Smoak or Ike Davis or Swisher off waivers and come within 95% of Berkman’s production while adding another piece.

Andruw Jones – But it’s a feel good story!  Sorry, friend.  Right now, his HR/FB is almost 35%; his career mark is 19% and that number is being supported by his years when he was actually good.  He’s not keeping this up even if he stayed at a Renaissance Hotel last night.

The peasant Royals finally called up the first baseman, Kila Ka’aihue, who was blocked by Mike Jacobs last year in a boneheaded move.  His name is not pronounced Killer Kahlua.  Kila has a career .386 OBP in the minor leagues.  I guess Moore has no place for that on his team that has a .325 OBP.  In Stephen’s Minor League Review of the Royals, he wrote, “In 555 Triple-A at-bats (across two years), (Kila’s) hit for a .211 ISO.  The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.  Oh, and for Halloween I want to dress up as Grey but I don’t know how to make my head simultaneously big and stupid.”  Whoa, I gotta start proofreading these Minor League Reviews a little closer.  The only problem with Kila is I’m not sure where the Royals are going to play him.  Grab in deep mixed and AL-Only leagues.  Everyone else, hold your junk until we see how his playing time shakes out and to make sure this Kila is shooting something besides BBs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5 with a homer as the Royals finally called up another guy.  If you’re hurting for average, Aviles could provide some support, bra.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hochevar wants you to fall for the old banana in the tailpipe again.  Don’t do it.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Out until Friday with a tight left quad.  Hopefully, on Friday it’s not a split quad game.  Yeah, that probably made no sense.

Stephen Strasburg – The Nats moved the carrot a little closer to their fans, promoting Strasburg to Triple-A.  If you build the hype, they will come.  Get your House of Strasburg gear ready for a mid-June call-up.  I don’t own Strasburg anywhere and am trying to stay away from the hype, but it’s out there in full force.  If you do have Strasburg, I’m going to tell you to sell him as his hype peaks in June.  If you don’t own him and he’s sitting on waivers, I’d grab him so when the hype crescendos you can exploit it.

Livan Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Now has 4 wins and a 0.99 ERA.  In other news, water is dry.

Tyler Clippard – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER for his 7th Hold.  Now has a 0.46 ERA and a 0.86 WHIP with 25 Ks in 19 2/3 IP.  Need help with those ratios, there ya go.

Steven Pearce – The Pirates recalled their Quad-A phenom, Pearce.  This could significantly hurt Clement’s playing time.  Don’t the Pirates know my fantasy teams are Ron Popeil’ing Jeff Clement in their catcher slot?  This news to me is like the mint to Mr. Creosote.  I was fine with Grandy getting injured, with Quentin sucking on the suckwagon, even with Filthy Sanchez not having a great last start, but now I’m losing my every day catcher?  *explosion*

Jeff Clement – 0-for-3, as he hits .164.  Speaking of Quad-A players, he’s really doing nothing to warrant every day at-bats anyway.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Octavio Dotel – 1 IP, 0 ER and the Save.  Proving that old fantasy baseball idiom, even a broken closer is right twice a month.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer as he bats .323 on the year.  It’s shame that he’s batting so low in the order because he only has 9 RBIs.  Testing my power of persuasion:  the Cubs should move Aramis down in the order.  His .149 average warrants it.

Alfonso Soriano – Now has 5 homers in the last 4 games and he’s batting .321.  He’s a spry Latin 34, I tell ya.

Clayton Kershaw – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER when Ramon Ortiz relieved him.  I wonder how many Dodger fans thought this was a Ramon Ortiz masterpiece since no one in LA shows up to the game until the 3rd inning.  Obviously, a terrible Kershaw start, but he had some in the beginning of last year too.  Now’s not the time to panic.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 as he hit his 7th homer and bats .364.  I don’t talk much about the top hitters in the game, assuming they’re hitting as they should be, so there’s nothing really to say about Longoria, except he’s putting together an MVP season.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Now the AL Ks leader, which fittingly enough makes me want to drink.

Franklin Morales – He’s kinda losing his shizz right in front of our eyes.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Corpas or Betancourt get a crack at a save in the case of Sooner vs. Later.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 6 for his last 11 with a homer.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Pierre – Now has 5 steals in the last three games.  SAGNOF!

Jose Contreras – Charlie Manuel said he may look at Contreras to close out some games if Lidge can’t go.  This sounds like hooey.  Only go near Contreras in the most desperate of scenarios.

Brad Lidge – In a non-move that spoke wonders, Manuel didn’t bring Lidge in to close out a 1-0 game.  Pujols wasn’t even due up, though he was wearing his, “I Own Lidge And All I Got Was This Stupid Shirt” shirt.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1 Fan Running Onto The Field, Zero Tasering, 2 Bad.

A.J. Burnett – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He had his curve working for the first time all year and the Ks returned.  I do believe he pitched well partially out of spite because his long-time nemesis, Posada, wasn’t catching.

Joba Chamberlain – Got the save as Mo got, uh, mo rest.  Supposedly, Mariano will be back by Friday, but better to be safe than sorry and grab Joba.

Yunel Escobar – Heads to the 15-day DL with a strained left groin.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right.  Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and hitting well.  So the good news is Yunel received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-2 with his 8th homer yesterday.  In a move that’s going to make you question why on Earth you ask me anything, I dropped Heyward last week in one of my leagues.  It was a 12 team league with no bench and, well, I’m dumb.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rockies.  Guess where this start was?  It rhymes with Repko.  LeBlanc gets the Giants next then the Dodgers at home.  Nice matchups there, now grab him.

Kyle Blanks – 0-for-2 as he bats .189 on the year.  Blanks is proving to be quite the aptronym (Word of the Day!).

Travis Snider – Now 5-for-9 in his last two games with a homer and a steal.  Might not be anything, but if he’s coming around and was dropped in your league, you should pick him up.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  About as ugly as you can get for a complete game.  I will call you, Blechburn.

J.R. Towles – Sent to the minors as the Astros threw in the *pinkie to mouth* Towles.  Don’t get me wrong, Towles hasn’t been good, but the Astros had to get Humberto Quintero back into the lineup?  Whatevs, I’m not trying to figure it out.

Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER as Oswalt threw 7 IP but gave up a run.  The baby boomers will be happy; this time Kennedy took out Oswalt.

Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights.  Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer.  Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year.  The closerousel has made me really nauseous.  Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it.  Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already.  I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two.  Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans.  SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role.  Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own.  I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.

Jimmy Rollins – It’s official.  Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL.  Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks.  Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4.  I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins.  As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”

Miguel Montero – Good news!  Well, kinda.  He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks.  Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.

Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness.  He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR.  No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy.  Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks.  He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs.  Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks.  Adam Dunn has 7 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis.  Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured!  I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him.  The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda².  Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.

Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368.  His health and/or this hitting won’t last.  Own him while it does.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats.  That should tell you what I think of Porcello.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners.  And that’s his downside.  Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.

Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.

C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning.  Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday.  I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.

Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks.  Yes, I love strikeout pitchers.  Here’s the issue.  A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid.  Ironic?  I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart.  B) He was honing his shizz in Japan.  Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan?  No offense, Sadaharu Oh.  C) He walks people.  A better hitting team will kill him.  D) There is no D.  There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts.  What else do you need?  He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues.  It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned.  Come on, people.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!

Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096.  Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA.  Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks.  A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit.  Fairly well, Bailey.

Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May.  I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.

Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.

Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday.  Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row.  No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.

Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer.  I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page.  You scroll and come back.  Maybe you wait for it.  Your choice.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts.  Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.

Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130.  Playing.  Not well.  I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him.  I see little reason to go back.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer.  BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011?  Yup.

John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks.  Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short.  He can be effective verging on yawnstipating.  My bigger issue is his injury concernness.  Yeah, that’s a word.  Eat it, Roget’s!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible.  I’m ignoring this burp.

Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back.  He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks.  You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!

Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby.  Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has now put together back-to-back solid starts.  Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate.  Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.

Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts.  Never stopped him before though.  So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven.  Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday.  I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year.  To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks.  Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”)

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals.  Has a five game hitting streak going.  For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues.  Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb.  Oh, wait, I read that news wrong.  He’s just nursing a sore thumb.  NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286.  Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.

Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.

B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once–  Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday.  He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post.  Ooh…Grey gets a gold star!  Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out.  Sorry, my H2H team sucks.

J.J. Hardy is an easy buy, which isn’t the same as an easy sell.  Hardy’s not exactly promoting a yum-yum juicy chicken burger with a side of 30 homers and 20 steals.  He’s cheap.  His expectations are low.  He’s 27-years-old and averaged 83/25/77/.280 at 24 and 25.  Last year, he didn’t tune and check out with Khalil Greene, going off to mullet all over.  Hardy started the year dealing with back issues and he never recovered.  If you invite Hardy onto your team, you don’t need to put plastic sheets on the bed and hide all the good flatware.  With O-Dog currently hurt and his grasp on the #2 spot tenuous, Hardy could be next in line for that spot.  If so, 160+ R/RBI is definitely reachable and the power is already there.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ervin Santana – I was saying the other day something like you should move to the exit row.  I didn’t say exit.  I was preparing my exit.  Now when I see he’s only owned in 26% of ESPN leagues, I’m beginning to think people bailed on him too soon.  This isn’t a buy, this is a hold.  Format constraints and all that.

C.J. Wilson – Went over him this morning.  Go ahead.  Scroll down.  This’ll be here, assuming you don’t try to scroll by taking a crowbar to your computer screen.

Gio Gonzalez – This buy is solely dependent on you wanting Ks.  But, really, who doesn’t want Ks?  I could’ve put Felipe Paulino here instead.  In fact, I did last week.

Justin Masterson – My logic in the morning post didn’t seem to interest people so I’m going to break it down to you simple enough that even a dead Minnie Pearl could understand it.  Masterson will be better than Oswalt this year.

Ian Kennedy – In his first start, he had 8 strikeouts through 5 innings and only made one mistake (a 3-run homer).  I’ll take that every day of the week and twice on Muesday.

Kelly Johnson – For those out there that are like Mr. Short Term Memory — Hey, who turned on my computer?! — I present to you a not that oldie and not that goodie, “In certain circumstances, I’m excited to draft Kelly Johnson late as my middle infielder.  Last year, Bobby Cox never gave Johnson a fair shake.  He benched him against lefties, sat him when he slumped, told him he’d never be Marcus Giles… It was a trying time for a guy with a girl’s first name.  An every day job could easily translate to a 15/10 season.  Sounds yawnstipating, but at MI and where he’ll be drafted he’ll be a steal late in 2010 drafts.”  And that’s me quoting January Grey!  Do I need a dot-EDU URL to gain some trust?

Ian Desmond – Owned in 3.7% of ESPN leagues?  Seriously?  That makes me sad.

Casey McGehee – I wasn’t a big fan of his in the preseason, but he’s hitting 5th behind Fielder and Braun and he has the superfecta of eligibility.  Could be a poor man’s Uggla.

Josh Willingham – The Nats really aren’t that bad.  No, really!  Okay, their pitching staff Sansburg isn’t good, but their hitting isn’t terrible.  “Isn’t terrible” for the Nats is a compliment.  Willingham is the guy on everyone’s waivers that can get you 25-30 homers and 90-100 RBIs.  Does he bling-bling up your fantasy team?  No, he’s not flashy.  You’re looking at Blanks or Swisher, but Willingham is the other white meat.

Julio Borbon – To bust out my Jackie Chiles, the dissimilitude of Borbon’s performance to my magnanimity of drafting him has been egregious.  Need to give Borbon another week or two.  Yo quiero Julio and I’m sincero.

Matt Lindstrom – Was thinking about how Lindstrom is only owned in 61% of ESPN leagues, but then I thought about how 50% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, so Lindstrom’s already at 111%, so, ya know, it’s all good, baby, baby.

Chris Perez – SAGNOF!

Franklin Morales – See 1/8 of an inch above.

Jeff Clement – He should get 400+ ABs if he stays healthy.  Napoli has never reached 400 ABs in any season of his career.  Cust kayin’.

Casey Kotchman – He’s hitting third vs. righties so he’s on the right side of the blahtoon.  The toon side, if you will.

Gaby Sanchez – Hitting .364 through three games.  No rush to defrost Ted Williams’s frozen head just yet, but, well, I own Sanchez.

SELL

Carlos Gomez – Spoiler alert!  If his big game came any day other than Opening Day, you wouldn’t even need this reminder that he’s terrible.  Well, here’s your one reminder.  He’s terrible.

Travis Snider – I was randy on Travis.  No more.  Later, doode.  To drop a Mama’s Family-esque line on ya, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Rickie Weeks – I like Weeks and do think he can be very valuable if he stays healthy.  That “if” needs its own island to stretch out its legs.  If you can get anything for Rickie “To the DL for 6-8″ Weeks, I’d consider it.

Vernon Wells – Sweet Sassy Molassey!  Wells is hitting everything out of the park, but I don’t think it continues.  Trade him before the clock strikes crap.

Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff.  When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “My family and I got together with the Fantasy Baseball Keeper posts’ family and we rented a Cruise America RV.  Spent most of our days touring ice fishing spots in Montana and our nights were spent swapping wives.”  Alrighty then!  To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys.  I dislike the Sell guys.  Now I’m not saying to actually sell all the guys in the Sell section or to drop them.  Lots of times I’m simply saying to expect their current positive vibe to turn negative.  Also, if Alcides Escobar is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Berkman is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Berkman for Escobar.  Everything’s relative, Einstein.  Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):

BUY

Alcides Escobar – He stole 16 bases in 45 games this winter down in Venezuela.  (Ugueth Urbina did the same, but it was with a firearm.)  Brewers should bat Escobar 2nd in front of Braun and Fielder.  100+ Runs, 40 steals and a middling average aren’t out of the question.

Francisco Liriano – Liriano Dutch Oven’d your team last year.  You couldn’t even look at the pitching stats some days because of the stench he left.  Guess what, loyal Razzball reader?  That was last year.  Liriano looked tremendous in Winter Ball.  Continued that in Spring Training.  More –>Liriano sleeper.

Mat Latos – You ever just find yourself whistling for no apparent reason and you’re like, “Man, I’m off meth and I’m happy.  Go figure.”  That’s how I feel with Latos.  He makes me emoticon in my pants.

Cameron Maybin – Maybe he was too hyped last year and now people are sticking their toes in the water before jumping.  It’s cool and all, but I’m a certified lifeguard.  Jump, I’ll save you if you need it.

Colby Rasmus – Yes, this is the part of the program where I point out guys that you swore were ready for the majors last year then disappointed.  Remember that when you’re going crazy trying to get Jason Heyward this year.

Travis Snider – Okay, done with last year’s failed crop of overhyped prospects that will make good this year… Well, there is Matt LaPorta.  Eh, I’ll save him for next week.

Shaun Marcum – The matchups won’t always be pretty and he hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2008.  This is a tentative buy because I imagine he’s going to give you a a bit of an up and down roller coastery season.   You can mark him (hehe… what?) down for a low 4 ERA and around 7 Ks per 9 innings.

Felipe Paulino – I admittedly flipped a coin between Paulino and Bud Norris.  Went with Paulino because he’s just slightly more mature.  They are pretty similar guys.  High strikeouts, high walks.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and wait and see in mixed leagues.  Glass is half empty, he’s a righty Manny Parra. Glass is half full, he’s a righty de la Rosa.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve watched draft after draft where Fowler’s virtually ignored.  For shame.  He’ll give you Runs, Steals, a decent average and close to 10 homers.  He’s Feign Victorino.

Franklin Morales – What, you don’t like saves?  You’re crazy.  Huston Street just got injured again opening the newspaper to read about how he got injured last time.  Morales will be the closer for at least a month.  Then when Street is actually healthy, the Rockies will bring him back slowly (meaning:  he’ll only pitch in non-save chances) then he’ll regain the role.  Could be mid-May by then and Morales could have 12 saves.

Ryan Madson – See an 1/8 of an inch above.

Danys Baez – You can look an 1/8 of an inch above or you can skip that and just move 1/4 of an inch above.

Jeff Clement – A catcher with every day at-bats.  Awesome!  Clement’s never shown himself to be a decent major leaguer.  Less awesome!  You punt catcher and there’s nothing else out there.  Adequate!

Ian Desmond – Just writing his name makes my heart flutter.  I feel like Gérard Depardieu on the back of a moped.

SELL

Fausto Carmona – Obviously there was some kind of Faustian bargain made for his sudden reemergence.  That’s nice, Carmona sold his soul to pitch well in Spring Training.  Doesn’t he know Spring Training stats don’t count?  Dur.  This isn’t a sell as much as a don’t bother.  There’s so many pitchers out there, why are you risking this shizz on flippin’ Carmona? Let’s drop a pine tree from your rearview mirror and do a refresher course.  His most successful year came in 2007 when he had a 3.06 ERA.  That ERA should’ve been near 4 and he had 137 Ks in 215 innings.  Your drunk aunt that thinks you’re the mailman can get that many Ks in 215 innings.  Carmona is the new blech.

Jason Heyward – Sure, he’s mollywhopping with his pony sticks right now, but he’s like twelve years old.  Think about how long you waited for Justin Upton to show his tremendous promise.

John Maine – He seems like a good enough guy.  But right now he doesn’t look right.  I wouldn’t go near him with your team.

Lance Berkman – You don’t drop him, you don’t even trade him for ten cents on the dollar, you maybe trade him for ninety cents on the dollar.  Or you wait until everyone’s like, “Ooh, Berkman’s healthy again.  Jump up, jump up and get down!”  Then you trade him.