Fantasy Baseball Advice

At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy.  Something about the name Carl.  So innocuous.  “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?  Carl?  I’m gonna like him on Facebook.”  That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family.  Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much.  Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck.  That’s been his luck so far.  Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch.  That never helps.  It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist.  Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were.  Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky.  That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason.  To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy.  I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.

Brett Wallace – Sure, his ESPN Player Card looks like he had some bad work done by Dr. 90210 (you storing acorns in those cheeks, Brett?  Brett looks like he says, “Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”), but he’s hitting at a near-.600 clip over the last week.

Brandon Wood – He’s one of the top prospects in the game!  Low voice:  From 6 years ago.

David Cooper – With the demotion of Snider (don’t write), Cooper will fill-in as the Jays DH.  For the Triple-A Vegas Fake Boobs, Cooper slashed .395/.438/.617.  His BABIP was silly ridiculous, so the average there isn’t happening but his power is decent.  When you put ‘decent power’ into Google translator, it spits back ‘Above James Loney but below Justin Smoak.  Say Ike Davis.  No, you don’t have to literally say it.’  Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a must own — obviously.  I’d take a flyer on him in deeperish mixed leagues, depending on how bad you muffed your corner infidel slot.

Sergio Santos – This is probably still Mergio Salthorntos’ job, but Serge is a nose ahead.

Eduardo Sanchez – Similar shituation to the White Sox.  It’s not clearly Eduardo’s job.  Imagine, if you will, you’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land where Ozzie and La Russa make every decision for you.  You order a burger then a steak then a piece of chicken.  You get your car washed, decide halfway through that you need a shower and hop out of your car.  You go to the movies and leave halfway through the opening credits.  That’s a signpost up ahead:  your next stop:  the Twilight Zone!

Vicente Padilla – I’d go with Kuo first.  Speaking of which…

Hong-Chih Kuo – Hello, I wish to welcome everyone who was sent here from the ellipsis in Padilla’s blurb.  Make yourself comfortable.  Can I offer you some tea?

Darren Oliver – He sounds like a sitcom character.  Not a funny one.  The straight man.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight.  Feliz is a lock to be saving games in a week (please, God, let that be true), but I’d own Oliver in the mean’s while.

Wilson Ramos – Grey’s Prediction That Doesn’t Matter At All Of The Day:  Ramos is going to be on and off waivers all year then will be drafted next year around 140 overall as he appears on sleeper lists all across the interwebs.

Mike Aviles – Not a huge fan, but he’s on his way to 15/15 season and his average should come up.

Jeff Baker – Baker has been so hot.  Like an oven.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist, as someone coined him in the comments the other day, is hitting over his head, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride the hot schmotato.

Clint Barmes – He’s still available in my NL-Only league and I’m not exactly rushing to pick him up.  Never the hoo!  If you’re rocking someone two eggs short of an omelet, I’d stash Barmes.

Domonic Brown – Pick him up now, DL him for a few weeks, then trade him a day before he returns.  Or ride the Brown lightning.  Hmm, that sounds kinda weird.

Randy Wolf – Could someone please make a t-shirt with three pictures of Wolf howling at the moon?  That is all.

Scott Baker – Rudy likes Scott Baker.  This was brought to you by the Committee of Grey Endorsing Baker Without Really Endorsing Him.

Alex White – Just went over Alex White this morning.  Scroll on, scroller!

Brandon Beachy – Me telling you to grab Beachy seems so three Buy/Sell’s ago, but he’s still only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  The same Beachy that has 31 Ks in 29 1/3 IP, a 31:9 K:BB and a 1.09 WHIP.

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Hitting under .200 with 2 homers and 1 steal.  At this point, I’d prefer to own Gordon Shumway.  I think it’s fair to say we can move on from this schmohawk.

Aubrey Huff – Depends on the league whether you’re dropping him or trading him (as with most of these guys), but I warned you in the preseason of Huff’s Saberhagenish on/off years.  In fact, I’ll quote it for you cause that’s how I roll, “A big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.”  And that’s me quoting me and paraphrasing Dr. Dre!  Can we get Detox already?  I need a doctor.

Bobby Abreu – Getting some spring cleaning done here.  I think Abreu’s done cause he looks cooked.

Wade Davis – I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’m wondering in the dark recesses of my medulla oblongata if you can sell Davis for more ducats than he’s worth.  Obviously, I’m talking deep leagues here since he’s not even owned in all leagues.  He is pitching far above his head ratio-wise.  His K-rate is atrocious (4+) and he’s getting lucky with balls hit into play.  In AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t sell him for a white chocolate dipped fortune cookie, but I’d explore offers.

A Spanish woman, dressed in black, just pedaled past my house, chanting, “Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo… Oh shoot, I ripped my stockings!”  It was totally sad.  Kinda like when your best buddy, let’s call him Chase Utley, gets old man knee and the Phillies replace him with Luis Castillo.  Luis Castillo would be good for my pre-All-Star Game contest where him and Juan Pierre have a home run contest and the gopher ball-happy Rodrigo Lopez is pitching.  Just think of how few back’s we’d have to hear from Berman.  There’s nothing as far as fantasy goes with Castillo.  Even if objects appear closer in the side view, you still can’t see Castillo’s best days.  To give you an idea of how terrible he is, the Mets released him.  Long story short, he’s useless in any league where there are other starting 2Bs available.  This Castillo signing does spell further doom for Utley.  You really can’t draft him at this point.  Also, my giant ostrich head has been in the sand too long with Howard.  No Utley hurts him.  I’m dropping him eight spots in the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings to right behind A-Rod.  I would still draft him, but you can’t expect 115 RBIs or 95 runs at this point.  Well, you can, but people might start to worry about you.  Anyway, here’s some more news in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – Will miss 10 days or more with shoulder inflammation.  Looks like Jason LaRue’s voodoo doll is finally working.  This sounds like Cueto is going to miss at least a few weeks of the season.  Obviously, not a great sign, but before we take Cueto to the mattresses for getting injured we should tempurpedic our concern.  It’s a long season and he had a 5+ ERA last April and you still drafted him this year.  He gets better in the heat, just DL him once the Reds do.

Brian Wilson – Mild oblique strain.  Well, that’s vague.  Wilson says he’ll be ready for Opening Day.  If he can’t go, it’ll be Romo and his masked luchador, El Machine.

J.J. Putz – His back hurtz.  I’d grab David Hernandez for vulture saves.  He may not get them, but you don’t want any part of anyone else in the bullpen.  Namely, Juan Gutierrez.  By the buh-bye, there’s a closer report coming this afternoon.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Kendry Morales – As I told you last week after deciphering clues from the interwebs, he’s starting the year on the DL.  What’s that lovely horn I hear?  Oh, it’s a Trumbo.

Grady Sizemore – Set to test his knee on Tuesday.  Him and Utley should totally cruise for chicks together in Wal-Mart scooters.

Ryan Zimmerman – Someone who won’t be cruising for chicks is Zimmerman with a sore groin.  What a bummer, man.  He says he’ll be fine without many spring ABs.  I’m not too concerned, for now.  Zimmerman does seem like he’s going to have a steep decline in his early 30′s a’la Rolen.  Hopefully, he doesn’t adopt that Rolen-esque fast home run trot that is supposed to be uber-professionalism at its finest but actually comes off even more douchey to me.

Oliver Perez – Mets released him.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin walking seven straight hitters.

Brad Emaus – The Mets 2B audition – aka the beautiless pageant – is nearing its end.  With Castillo gone and Daniel Murphy being pegged as a “utility” guy, it looks like Rule V pickup Brad Emaus will win the job.  He’s got great plate discipline, which is great in OBP leagues, but he doesn’t have great power or speed.  Think 10/10 if he plays the full year.  There’s still a chance though that they give a lot of playing time to Luis Hernandez (no hit, all glove), Justin Turner (who was great in Northern Exposure), Murphy, or some other blech option.  For full disclosure, we picked him up as a bench guy in our NL-only; his upside is that he beats our incumbent MI, Skip Schumaker.

Starlin Castro – Rudy is high on Castro, saying crazy things like he could take a huge step forward.  Castro’s big spring has done nothing to dampen Rudy’s enthusiasm.

Jeff Baker – Another player Rudy’s going a bit caca-cuckoo over is Baker.  Right now, he’s still nothing but an NL-Only flyer, but Joyce DeWitt’s son is in danger of not even making the team.

Devin Mesoraco – Okay, so some of these updates are because we own these players in LABR, but you need to put shizz out in the universe.  That’s The Secret!  Mesoraco is hitting over .400 this spring, was drafted 15th overall in 2007 and he’s the catcher of the future in Cincy.  He’s worth looking at in dynasty leagues.  Dusty Baker added, “I like it when my catchers’ names sound like wrestlers.  Ramon Hernandez sounds impressive but no one wants to get in a steel cage with someone named Devin Mesoraco.”

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays manager, who 85% of you can’t name, said the Jose member of The Flying Molina Bros. will catch Morrow and Drabek.  When I said in the rankings, Arencibia reminds me of Napoli, I was hoping it wouldn’t be his lack of playing time too.  Looks like Scioscia-ism has crossed the Canadian border!

Pedro Alvarez – 19/1 K/BB rate so far this spring.  People seem pretty sure about drafting Alvarez above Reynolds.  I think Mini Donkey might still have some kick in him.  Cust kayin’.

Charlie Morton – Awarded the fifth starter spot in Pittsburgh.  There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.

Nelson Figueroa - Currently the 5th SP on the Astros but he has the talent to be a 6th SP, 7th SP, 8th SP or even higher.  If auction dollars had a face, the $1 would look like Nelson Figueroa and the $2 would be of some other pitcher laughing at the $1.

Jake Peavy – Will miss Opening Day.  Do they make emoticons with tears?  Oh, well, looks like Peavy’s back to usual shizz.  Phil Humber is slated to take his rotation slot.  Humber is from Nacogdoches (KNACK-uh-DOUGH-ches), Texas.  Appropriately, he is not from mackadocious.

Justin Upton – Should be fine, but his knee is a bit sore from tripping on grass.  Who is he, Tommy Chong?

Tim Lincecum missed yesterday’s start vs. the Padres (there goes that 14 K start) and gave way to the Giants big-time rookie pitching prospect, Madison Bumgarner.  Lincecum should be back by this weekend.  A detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.”  (Yeah, still haven’t figured out how to naturally link to something.  I feel like Buzz Bissinger.  Bleh!  What are these things you call links?  Bleh! Actually, that sounds more like The Count.)  So one in for Mad-Bum, and no harm done.  5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  I think he can supplant Joe Martinez in the rotation.  He sure as heckfire has a better name… Go with Jose at least, geez.  Bumgarner will have value in all leagues down the stretch if he has a rotation spot.  He’s risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, well worth a look in mixed leagues.  In keepers, pursue him aggressively.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.  I expect he’ll take the David Price route next year.  Start in the minors, then get the call in June.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Prior to getting removed from a save situation for Madson, Manuel said that Lidge will remain the Phils closer.  HA!!!  Sorry.  Lidge hasn’t been a closer in three months.  Are they freakin’ kidding me?  Lidge is pitching like he’s wearing contacts that bear Pujols’s face.  Please, someone tie Lidge to a bed and break his ankles to put him out of his misery.

Alex Gordon – He returns from his Triple-A stint.  A lot has been made of his trip to the minors.  (Because of the minors stint, he’ll be under contract through 2013.)  People are saying the Royals pulled a low move to delay free agency.  Um, and Gordon’s done something to stay in the majors?  At this rate, he may not be a major leaguer by 2013.  Though, February Grey still will probably find a way to talk him up for next year.

Pedro Martinez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Not great vs. the Nats, but I would’ve taken it over the roofie-ing I took from Carlos Torres.  Don’t worry, I’ll get to that.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  I swear, after three months of homer sobriety from Ibanez, I was a twitch away from pulling the trigger on him.  Now, he’s hot.  Someone was looking out for me.  They obviously didn’t care enough to warn me about Carlos Torres.  Fantasy baseball, because every day stress is not enough.

Carlos Torres – 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s.  I hate you, Carlos Torres.  I swore off rookie pitchers earlier this year because of a start by Hochevar vs. the A’s.  Why do the A’s hate me?  Someone, help!  I was roofied and I’m hemorrhaging from the A’s.

Julio Borbon – 2 HRs yesterday and a steal.  Someone’s been talking to Drew Stubbs.

Elvis Andrus – 2 steals yesterday.  If you need steals, maybe he’s running now, cause he hadn’t been.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday.  Hitting over .300 in the last seven games with 3 homers.

Evan Longoria – Has 5 homers in the last 8 games and is hitting near .500 in his last seven games.  H2H teams rostering Longoria tip their caps.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  If I didn’t see it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it, but after Robot Jones hit his homer, he elevated five inches off the ground to allow wheels to slide out from his cleats and he rolled around the bases.

Dustin Pedroia – This might be Scrappy Doo’s first appearance in a daily roundup this year.  Well, anyway, he hit two homers yesterday against the Orioles’ Double-A pitching.

Felix Pie – 0-for-3, and 2 for his last 13.  I think he’s back to being lame.

Carlos Beltran – Returned with a 1-for-4.  Now he has three weeks to hit 35 homers and steal 20 bases.  Or if he just outproduced Angel Pagan, that would be nice, too.

Cameron Maybin – You’re going to hear about every positive thing he does until next year.  Yesterday, he hit a homer.

Nate McLouth – Hit his 2nd homer since he returned.  This is a hunch, but I think he realizes he has three weeks to make his season’s stats look somewhat palatable.

Manny Parra – Left the game with neck spasms.  Manny, you don’t watch the ball off the bat.  That’s how you get a crick in your neck.

Mat Gamel – Was recalled.  But McGehee’s got the corner locked down like Marlo Stanfield.

Corey Hart – Is back from the DL.  He says he wants to steal bases.  I have no idea if he’s lying.  I couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4 with a HR in yesterday’s nightcap.  In the, uh, daycap he went 0-for-5.

Michael Brantley – He’s stealing bases.  You know you wanna.  Go ahead, pick him up.

Franklin Gutierrez – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  The Big FraGu’s having a better year than Carlos Beltran, Grady Sizemore and Josh Hamilton.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Murton – Called up by the Rockies.  Score this a victory for the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People.  But the NAAGP won’t rest until Murton gets playing time, so there will be a lot of late nights for them.

J.A. Happ – His strained oblique is still vaguely hurting and will miss another start.

Jeff Baker – The pride of Bad Kissingen, West Germany went 3-for-4 yesterday as he hits near .400 in the last week.

Jake Fox – Piniella hates him.  Bobby Scales?  Sam Fuld?  They sound like the bassist and drummer for the Cubs’ heavy metal band, Quite The Riot.

If you can’t find a high risk/high reward outfielder on your waivers right now, you’re just not trying very hard.  Sorta on topic, I feel like picking up the latest high risk/high reward hitter is like double dog daring your leaguemates.  You think picking up Snider is risky?  I just picked up Wladimir Balentien! Oh, yeah?  I’m grabbing Matt Diaz and Chase Headley!  *beads a sweat from random italicized voice*  Fine, I’ll grab Angel Pagan! As for Travis Snider, he’s still very young and raw like a nice piece of toro.  If you need pop, he’s worth a flier in all leagues to see if you can catch some lightning in a bottle, Thor.  Though he’s just as capable of striking out 30 times in the next month and batting .130 as he is of hitting 8 homers.  If your itchy for rookie nookie, go for it.  Just beware the rash.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Matt LaPorta – The MLP Package is on in Cleveland.  Now it’s up to LaPorta to make it watchable.

Drew Stubbs – Has great speed and BBQ.

Kyle Blanks – For power, you could do worse.  Fun fact about Kyle Blanks, every year for Halloween, he dresses as Michael Clarke Duncan and he wears no costume.

Julio Borbon – Great, terrific, wonderful.  All signs pointing to fantastic.  Could win Player of the Week.  Has a long way to go to being worthwhile for an extended period of time, but while he’s hot, grab him.

Carlos Gonzalez – We’re all gonna go blind if I keep flagellating Carlos Gonzalez.

Rajai Davis – SAGNOF!  I’m only mentioning him again, because he’s still only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues.  Even if 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned… Wait, does that means he’s 100% owned?  Hmm… Color me confused.

Bronson Arroyo – He’s had one bad start since the All-Star Break.  That is all.

Billy Wagner – Lukewarm buy here.  If you really need saves, okay.  But he needs to not only get dealt, but he needs to end up on a team where he’ll be getting saves.

Mark Ellis – Picking up Mark Ellis and an orangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goodall’s nipples hard, but Ellis has been hot and he has 2nd base eligibility, so there.

Jeff Baker – I almost went with the title, The Fabulous Baker Boy and Jeff Baker as the lead.  Jeff Baker?  Boy, perhaps.  Fabulous?  Seems to be overselling him.  Wow, this is already shaping up to be a major sell on this buy.  So what can we expect of Jeff Baker?  He has great eligibility!  How’s that for a buy?  He has good pop that never fully materialized in Colorado.  So now it’s going to materialize? Yeah, I know what you’re saying.  He hit 20+ homers in his last full year of Triple-A.  He also has ten steal speed over an entire season.  Right now, he’s the Cubs starting 2nd baseman.  So if you need some pop from your MI slot, Baker’s worth a look.

SELL

Aubrey Huff – I didn’t like him at all in the preseason.  Then when he was terrible, I looked at his 2nd half splits.  Splits, indeed.  But like Biff Tannen, make like a banana.   I’m done ever liking him.

Brett Anderson/Trevor Cahill -  Way over their innings.  Beane needs to either shut them down or trade them for seven first round picks.

David Price – Another guy that’s pushing the limits of what a young pitcher should throw.  Murmurs say Sonnanstine will be taking over Price’s rotation spot in September.  Murmurs also say, the guy on Megan Wants a Millionaire is a murderer, but I really want to see the rest of the season.  C’mon, VH1!  This could be the best TV ever.  He goes to open a wine bottle and you try to imagine what he’s thinking about holding a corkscrew.

Ryan Doumit – I preach patience with catchers relying on the Ron Popeil, “Set It and Forget It” method.  I’m going to make an exception for Doumit because he’s been terrible.  Even the Pirates have noticed his egregiousness and moved him down the order.  When the Pirates are moving guys down the order, it’s time to abandon ship.

Hiroki Kuroda – Regarding his concussion, he said through a translator, “The first two days I had a hard time sleeping and I even had a dream about getting hit.”  The translator was Nicole Kidman.  Weird!

Travis Hafner – At this point, the only advantage to owning Hafner would be to use his head to crack open walnuts.

Aroldis Chapman — A-rold! — defected yesterday.  I defect every morning after I eat my bran cereal. No, random italicized voice, defected.  As in, he gave the Cuban national team the old switcheroo.  He snuck out of a Rotterdam hotel where the team was staying this week.  The coach said he checked on him and saw him sleeping.  What he actually saw was a mannequin shifting in bed from a wire attached to the bedroom door that was strung over a closet door with a trophy attached.  For his escape, Aroldis wishes to thank Ferris Bueller.  So why do you care?  He’s the best lefty in the world and he can throw 100 MPH.  Keepers, clean your ears, cause there’s a new Strasburg in town.  Though no one’s sure what town that is.  Deep keepers should keep an eye out for when he’s added.  Probably a year away, but it depends on the team that signs him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexei Ramirez – Sticking with the Cuban theme, good news for Alexei as his finger’s X-rays revealed no fracture.  He should return soon.  Not soon enough in a league where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera.  Steal, son.  You’re fast.

Kevin Correia – He made me sob yesterday.  Big, mucousy running into my ‘stache tears.  Wasn’t pretty, kinda like Correia’s start yesterday.  Five innings and six earned runs.  Belch!  Even more disappointing is the Walks — 3 of them.  One walk to Wandy.  Correia!!!  Okay, Correia wasn’t terrific, obviously.  But he should’ve got out of the first inning without any damage done.  Maybe one run there.  The homer to Geoff Blum was unforgivable.  But let’s not forget — this was his worst start of the year after 16 of them.  Also, it tied for the most walks he had given up all year.  Hopefully he remembers he’s a usable 5th starter.  I pardon you, Correia.

Joey Votto – 4-for-6, 1 RBI, 15-for-38 since he’s returned.  Member last month when I sat behind you at your computer and kept buzzing you with an electrical current every time you wanted to trade him?  Yeah, I just got my electric bill.

Jeff Baker – Traded to the Cubs for Al Alburquerque.  Al Alburquerque?  Was he named during that game where you bounce the ball?  Hi, my name is Al.  I live in Albuquerque.  I like apples.  If Baker gets a full-time job, he’ll be worth a spot at MI for his pop.  He may get an extended look immediately for the injured Miles.  Though I’d take a wait and see approach, except in NL-Only leagues.

Mark Reynolds – Number 22 for Mini-Donkey.  Get on the donkey, donkey…Mini-donkey!

Doug Davis – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Has a 3.15 ERA and is 3-8.  Is there a Diamondback rule that they only score for Brandon Webb?  It’s like 2004 redux for Davis when he went 12-12 with a 3.39 ERA.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Last year when you owned Harang, it was like he put a sweaty glass down on your Reggie Jackson rookie card while he made a sex tape with your ex-wife.  This year he’s paying for your kids’ private school education.  Cha-ching!

Chad Qualls – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  Might still be dealing with forearm issues.  Or he’s dealing with being sucky in the suckhole.  Either way, it’s not good.

Rafael Soriano – Save yesterday.  I know no one cares about Rafael Soriano, but I’ve had him on one team all year so allow me to talk about him for un momento.  Doode is smoking with nitrous.  1.19 ERA, .88 WHIP, 49 Ks in 37 2/3 IP and 7 saves.  Are you kidding me?!  Grey hearts Soriano. (Somewhere Ryan Franklin says, “What’s a guy got to do to get some love ’round here?)

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks.  I have two problems with Happsterdam.  1) His home park and 2) He’s a rookie.  It worries me.  You do what you do.

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday.  Lately, he’s seemed more like the Branyan we’re used to as he goes one-for-four with a homer here and there.  Well, you shouldn’t have expected a .300+ average from him anyway.

CC Sabathia – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Bad year for ace pitchers.  Peavy, Webb, Hamels, CC, Johan… Maybe Cueto, Wandy, Edwin Jackson, and Greinke are the new breed.  (You like how I snuck the 30-year-old Wandy in there, huh?)

Mark Buehrle – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  3.09 ERA on the year.  I always end up with this guy on at least one team, but, alas, not this year.

Derrek Lee – 2 HRs, 7 RBIs. Your Buddy Lee was almost the title for today’s roundup.  But I decided against it cause Lee bores me.  Is he back?  I don’t think he ever went anywhere.  He just stopped stealing bases.  He can hit 4-6 homers/month and bat .300.  So you’re looking at a 75/25/85/.300 hitter.  Decent, but short of exciting.

Bobby Abreu – 2 HRs as he finally recovered from the 2005 Home Run Derby.  Abreu’s good for another 10 homers the rest of the way.  Don’t expect more.

Garrett Jones – HR yesterday.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  Yes, you can.  No?  How about yes?  Ah, I thought so.  Persuasion ain’t just a Jane Austen novel!

Mets – Turns out they were staying at the same hotel in Pittsburgh as a Furries convention.  It’s fitting because the Mets have been screwing the pooch.

Fernando Tatis – 3-for-4, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  Last night, his Mom must’ve been a praying Tatis.