Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief.  He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits.  In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit.  Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.”  Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time.  So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons.  Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery.  That’s a long time to eat Jell-O.  Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  This year Parker’s rebounded nicely.  His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot.  I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.  Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear.  Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes.  I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job.  I mean, a lot.  Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper.  You know what I’m saying?  Yeah, you do.  Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down.  At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already.  Bring back steroids!

Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Stupid Lincoln!  I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4.  When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk.  He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks.  That’s less than a half homer per week.  A half of a homer is a double.  So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second?  So useless.  I hate you, Neil Walker.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season?  Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.

Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.

Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils.  I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note.  His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton.  Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game!  Now where’s my straw for chewing?”

Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test.  Guess he forgot he already took one.

Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres.  He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.

Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week.  My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.

John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER.  My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks.  I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals.  He says he needs to get on base to steal bases.  Props to his baserunning coach.  Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis.  Next lesson:  After You Hit The Ball, Run To First.  Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive.  Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.”  Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.

Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.

Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save.  Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.

Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer.  EA is in the game.

Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend.  We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.

Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days.  Snap, crackle, crap.

Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute.  Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill.  “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

Jair Jurrjens has a xFIP of 3.64 and a K-rate of 5.23.  Sounds like you should brave the trade winds with Jar-Jar.  Or maybe I should say, “Wash that Jurrjens right outta your Jair!”  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns, I get it. You’re right, random italicized voice, lost my shizz there for a second.  Jurrjens’s K-rate is the lowest of his career and it wasn’t that good to begin with.  He did have one of these lucky years before (2009) when he left men on and had some luck with his BABIP, but he was K’ing a little over one more batter per nine innings then.  I can’t imagine Jurrjens keeps anywhere near the ERA he currently has (2.13) with his down peripherals, which was not a Kelsey Grammer movie.  So don’t make the same mistake as George Lucas and fall in love with Jar-Jar.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Charlie Blackmon – Is the vicious homers?  Nope.  Is the haircut?  Nope.  Is it the shoes?  Nope.  Is it the extra long shorts?  Nope.  Is it the short socks?  Nope.  It’s gotta be the steals!

Jordan Schafer – Sticking with the retro Nike feel, I’m mentioning Jordan.  He’s currently hitting, but, in the big picture, he’s just okay.  Jordan is His Fair-ness.

Justin Ruggiano – I wonder if Sam Fuld would pick up Ruggiano on his fantasy team.  On one hand, he knows what it’s like to be a hot schmotato and how fast they can go cold.  On the other hand, Ruggiano is stealing his playing time.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, Ruggiano was much more interesting in the minors leagues than Fuld.  (BTW, I think every baseball player should have to participate in a public fantasy league.  I’d love to see who would actually own themselves, what pitchers hitters would own and vice versa.  Jason Kubel is coming up to bat vs. Brandon Morrow.  You may not own either but after Morrow’s last start Kubel dropped him in his league and now Morrow beans him.  Intrigue!)

Travis Snider – Supposedly, he’s going to get recalled in a few weeks.  Rudy and I were talking over IM about how some guys are just such a tease.  Everyone rushes out to grab Snider every time he gets called up.  Do you forget why he was back on waivers to begin with?  He’s okay as a flyer, but I’m not going crazy with him until he actually shows something.  I’m turning over a new, more conservative leaf.  Now how about Dee Gordon?!

Alexi Casilla – Forget everything you know about Alexi Casilla…Okay, forget that you don’t know anything about Alexi Casilla.  He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is on pace for 25 steals. (As if you’re gonna keep him on your team all year!  Hahahahahaha….  Mid-haha I totally forgot what I was laughing at.)

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Two Twins middle infielders?  Um… Yay?  I think Nishioka will probably end up with more value than Casilla, but he might take a bit longer to get going.

Dustin Ackley – Just went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while trying to avoid eye contact in my gym’s locker room.

Jemile Weeks – Ackley is gonna have more buzz in fantasy leagues, but I imagine him and Weeks are pretty much the same thing this year.

Eduardo Nunez – If you had Jeter (did you draft him hoping he’d get you laid?) or need a quick one week fill-in, Nunez has speed and some slight power.

Jonathon Niese – For those with a short term memory — hey, who said that?! — I liked Niese in the preseason.  A 3 and a half ERA and solid K’s doesn’t seem to be that farfetched.

Tim Stauffer – This will sound rhetorical, but I’d take an answer.  How does a guy go unowned in so many leagues when he pitches his home games in a stadium where the center field fence has the infinity sign on it?

Andrew Miller – To continue from Stauffer’s blurb… Yet, if Miller pitches well vs. the Padres his ownership will skyrocket.  Miller who’s failed so many times in the major leagues and isn’t even guaranteed a rotation spot.

Jeff Baker – As long as the Cubs sit him vs righties, he’s only an add in deep, daily leagues where you can swap him in and out.

Dayan Viciedo – Kenny Williams said Viciedo is finally ready for the majors.  Ozzie said the same but put a hashtag on it.  He’s hit 10 homers in 62 games in the minors and his 3rd base eligibility makes him immediately ownable.  Though I would like to know where he’s going to play.  If he starts every day at 3rd base, I like him a lot, but he can’t play 3rd.  If he’s off the bench here and there in the outfield, then belch.  If the Sox bench Pierre and play Viciedo, then giddy up.

Luke Scott – Know how Miguel Olivo’s never happy hitting just one home run?  That goes doubly for Luke Scott.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

SELL

Michael Young – His counting stats don’t look terrible, but 3 home runs and 4 steals prorated over the whole year sounds Crapolanco-ish.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I’d sweeten a deal with Young and just grab an MI off waivers in leagues where that’s possible.

Josh Beckett – At some point, he’s going to look human again.  It may not be today…Well, it’s definitely not today because he’s not pitching.  It may not be tomorrow…Well, it won’t be tomorrow.  Not pitching then either.  It may not be until July, but at some point it’ll happen.  Don’t believe me, ask Ubaldo about his 1st half last year.

Joe Mauer – Welcome back, Joe!  Now trade him immediately.  Word out of Minnesota is Mauer will be sitting in a beach chair behind the plate to avoid crouching.  I just jumped out of a DeLorean and I have the big news from next year’s baseball preseason.  Bud Selig and Ed Wade switch toupees to raise money for lupus with a fundraising drive called, Raise the Wolf.  The 2nd biggest story:  after another down year in 2011 for Mauer, he will play primarily first base in 2012.  Then everyone will go crazy for a 12 homer hitting 1st baseman thinking he’ll be that much better if he doesn’t have to catch.  Well, that’s for another day (or year).  For this year, Mauer’s all name value.

Dustin Ackley was recalled (don’t ask why it’s recalled and not called up, baseball’s arcane at times).  Here’s what I said when he was about to get the call a little under a month ago, “Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 9 homers and 6 steals through 64 games (updated!).”  And that’s me quoting and updating me!  Because his home park ends in -co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — his power may take a bit of a hit.  His speed isn’t gazelle-like. (Gazellian?)  But, at middle infidel, you take the flyer to see what he can do.  It’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – One start away from gaining 3rd base eligibility.  Before the game, La Russa said, “I know I Mr. Bungled the closer situation for a few weeks earlier this year, so here’s a bone for fantasy owners.”  In other La Russa news, Razzball has an exclusive!  We’ve obtained a never before seen picture of Smurfette giving birth to Tony La Russa.

Allen Craig – Could miss up to 6 weeks while he’s mourning his small fracture in his kneecap n’ crunch.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks.  It’s always frustrating when a pitcher you want to believe in does well as far as earned runs go, but walks too many guys to get excited about.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, now has 6 RBIs in the last 4 games.  Is there a more useless stat?  I’m surprised the saber-community hasn’t become more diligent about finding a better stat… Though maybe they have, I’m not at the forefront of the saber-movement.  “Hey, why is it an Inverted W?  Why not just call it an M?”  That’s me opening for Rob Neyer in concert.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Jhoulys in the preseason — So Fresh, So Chacin, ha!  I crack myself up sometimes.  I have two regrets, wish I would’ve pushed him even harder on youse and I wish I owned him in every league.

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4 with his 5th steal in 5 games.  If you’re not giddy to grab him, we’ll never see eye to eye.  Go read Fantasy (insert a synonym for smart) dot com.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now you can’t blame me if you don’t own him.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.  2011 Projections:  13-6/3.65/1.30/180″  And that’s me quoting me!

Frank Francisco – Got the save yesterday, but Rauch was unavailable after pitching 2 innings on Tuesday.  I think Rauch or Francisco could get the next save.  Hello, wishy, meet my friend washy.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with his 13th home run.  Now has homers in back-to-back games and is hitting .337 on the year.  Glad to see Lind’s 2009 wasn’t hanging out with and getting influenced by Aaron Hill’s 2009.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, home run.  I’m not a huge fan of Yunel’s because of his lack of speed but he’s hitting .292 with 8 homers.  He’s kinda doing what you paid in your draft for Martin Prado to do.

Chad Billingsley – 4 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Only thing he could do worse is if he changed his name to Chazz.  (BTW, we need a writer for Razzball who goes by the name Chazz.  I don’t care about your writing style or references.  In your profile pic, I want to see an Izod shirt, a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and a tennis racket.  That’s all I care about.  And maybe some anecdotes that involve your mumsy and pawpaw.)  No one wants Bills on their team if they own him, and I understand it.  Would I drop him?  Well, it’s not like he’s that good when he’s good, right?  Actually, his post-All-Star Break ERA last year was 3.00 and he had a 2.79 in July.  His June ERA last year was 6.11.  It’s June Gloom, ya’ll.  Also, his xFIP is decent and his K-rate is nice.  I wouldn’t go out and trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers in some leagues and bench him if I had room.  I wouldn’t drop him in most leagues either, I’d just bench him.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was activated from the DL.  Nishioka, or Japanese Hazelnut as Rudy likes to call him because his last name slightly resembles the name for hazelnut gelato, should be grabbed in most mixed leagues.  Really, what else you got at MI?  Yeah, thought so.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-2 with a run.  For him, big game.  All kidding aside, what happened to this young brother?  Someone spray Windex on his bat or something.

Mike Morse – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  The Morse God of Fantasy!

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 11th home run to go along with his 6 steals.  I realize his average looks like Metamucil vomit, but I still find it hard to believe he isn’t owned everywhere.

Livan Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s a Latin 36 and pushing 250 lbs of pure blubber.  He probably can’t run a quarter mile.  His fastball is slower than some pitches you’d see from Jim Kaat at the Minnesota Twins Fantasy Camp.  Yet, his ERA is 3.77.  For me, this alone is reason enough to love baseball.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit his 12th home run, and is batting .310.  I’ll admit to underestimating his power.  Between dropping Anibal in one league after his first bad start and Gaby, the Florida Sanchii have confused me.

Ryan Madson – Won his third game, has 15 saves and ERA is 2.10.  One of our teams is doing great.  On that team, we have Madson, Venters and Storen as our relievers.  Three total draft flyers.  Really goes to the sentiment of SAGNOF.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5 and is cooling off in a big way.  Keep in mind I told you to sell him two weeks ago.  I will mention that again in two weeks if he stays cold.  I will not mention it if he starts hitting again.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 with a home run and two steals.  While Jeter rents Friday Nights Lights with Minka so he can praise her acting, Nunez is manning short.  Speaking of short, he won’t have value for long, but he can be a decent stopgap at MI.  He has mostly speed, but, as he showed, there’s a bit of power.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-5 with 2 home runs.  One for each oddly placed I in his name.  He now has 21 homers on the year.  Imagine if Te(i)x actually gets hot in the 2nd half.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3 with his third game in a row with a steal.  He also has multiple hit games in five straight and has raised his batting average almost 30 points this month.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Jeff Baker – Homered yesterday.  With the Purple Evolutionist out, we added Baker to a bunch of deeper league teams.  The Cubs are batting him third (vs. lefties).  Though he might not play vs. righties.

Josh Beckett – One hit shutout of the Rays with 6 Ks.  Only hit was an infield single.  Yeah, Beckett’s having a nice season.  I said he was a great buy…last year when he was worse than dog balls, but I was time traveling and I thought it was 2011.  Oh, well.  Can’t win them all.  Maybe I should do steroids, is that legal for fantasy baseball bloggers?

Andrew Miller – Will be promoted by the Sawx to start against the Padres next Monday.  Terry Francona said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Huge?  Sure, Francona.  And Marco Scutaro is really the lynchpin to your title hopes and you built the team squarely around the talents of Bobby Jenks.  Honestly, does my opinion of Miller matter for this matchup vs. the Padres?  I don’t think so.  If you really want to know, he’s been underachieving for years.  He’s been good this year in Pawtucket, but he’s been good in the minor leagues before.  I could see taking the flyer and then reevaluating after the Padres start, which is probably what the Sawx will be doing too.

Justin Morneau – To the DL.  The only way he’s hitting an upper decker this year is if he craps in the toilet tank.

At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy.  Something about the name Carl.  So innocuous.  “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?  Carl?  I’m gonna like him on Facebook.”  That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family.  Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much.  Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck.  That’s been his luck so far.  Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch.  That never helps.  It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist.  Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were.  Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky.  That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason.  To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy.  I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.

Brett Wallace – Sure, his ESPN Player Card looks like he had some bad work done by Dr. 90210 (you storing acorns in those cheeks, Brett?  Brett looks like he says, “Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”), but he’s hitting at a near-.600 clip over the last week.

Brandon Wood – He’s one of the top prospects in the game!  Low voice:  From 6 years ago.

David Cooper – With the demotion of Snider (don’t write), Cooper will fill-in as the Jays DH.  For the Triple-A Vegas Fake Boobs, Cooper slashed .395/.438/.617.  His BABIP was silly ridiculous, so the average there isn’t happening but his power is decent.  When you put ‘decent power’ into Google translator, it spits back ‘Above James Loney but below Justin Smoak.  Say Ike Davis.  No, you don’t have to literally say it.’  Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a must own — obviously.  I’d take a flyer on him in deeperish mixed leagues, depending on how bad you muffed your corner infidel slot.

Sergio Santos – This is probably still Mergio Salthorntos’ job, but Serge is a nose ahead.

Eduardo Sanchez – Similar shituation to the White Sox.  It’s not clearly Eduardo’s job.  Imagine, if you will, you’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land where Ozzie and La Russa make every decision for you.  You order a burger then a steak then a piece of chicken.  You get your car washed, decide halfway through that you need a shower and hop out of your car.  You go to the movies and leave halfway through the opening credits.  That’s a signpost up ahead:  your next stop:  the Twilight Zone!

Vicente Padilla – I’d go with Kuo first.  Speaking of which…

Hong-Chih Kuo – Hello, I wish to welcome everyone who was sent here from the ellipsis in Padilla’s blurb.  Make yourself comfortable.  Can I offer you some tea?

Darren Oliver – He sounds like a sitcom character.  Not a funny one.  The straight man.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight.  Feliz is a lock to be saving games in a week (please, God, let that be true), but I’d own Oliver in the mean’s while.

Wilson Ramos – Grey’s Prediction That Doesn’t Matter At All Of The Day:  Ramos is going to be on and off waivers all year then will be drafted next year around 140 overall as he appears on sleeper lists all across the interwebs.

Mike Aviles – Not a huge fan, but he’s on his way to 15/15 season and his average should come up.

Jeff Baker – Baker has been so hot.  Like an oven.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist, as someone coined him in the comments the other day, is hitting over his head, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride the hot schmotato.

Clint Barmes – He’s still available in my NL-Only league and I’m not exactly rushing to pick him up.  Never the hoo!  If you’re rocking someone two eggs short of an omelet, I’d stash Barmes.

Domonic Brown – Pick him up now, DL him for a few weeks, then trade him a day before he returns.  Or ride the Brown lightning.  Hmm, that sounds kinda weird.

Randy Wolf – Could someone please make a t-shirt with three pictures of Wolf howling at the moon?  That is all.

Scott Baker – Rudy likes Scott Baker.  This was brought to you by the Committee of Grey Endorsing Baker Without Really Endorsing Him.

Alex White – Just went over Alex White this morning.  Scroll on, scroller!

Brandon Beachy – Me telling you to grab Beachy seems so three Buy/Sell’s ago, but he’s still only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  The same Beachy that has 31 Ks in 29 1/3 IP, a 31:9 K:BB and a 1.09 WHIP.

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Hitting under .200 with 2 homers and 1 steal.  At this point, I’d prefer to own Gordon Shumway.  I think it’s fair to say we can move on from this schmohawk.

Aubrey Huff – Depends on the league whether you’re dropping him or trading him (as with most of these guys), but I warned you in the preseason of Huff’s Saberhagenish on/off years.  In fact, I’ll quote it for you cause that’s how I roll, “A big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.”  And that’s me quoting me and paraphrasing Dr. Dre!  Can we get Detox already?  I need a doctor.

Bobby Abreu – Getting some spring cleaning done here.  I think Abreu’s done cause he looks cooked.

Wade Davis – I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’m wondering in the dark recesses of my medulla oblongata if you can sell Davis for more ducats than he’s worth.  Obviously, I’m talking deep leagues here since he’s not even owned in all leagues.  He is pitching far above his head ratio-wise.  His K-rate is atrocious (4+) and he’s getting lucky with balls hit into play.  In AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t sell him for a white chocolate dipped fortune cookie, but I’d explore offers.