Fantasy Baseball Advice

The top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball are a shallow bowl of dung and even the catchers are ranked ahead of them for depth.  All the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  (Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to link to things a little more seamlessly).  Shortstops usually get the short end of the stick when I’m drafting.  If I don’t get a top guy from the first two rounds, I’ll probably just take a flyer on some late round player.  Honestly, I don’t even really want to mess with Tulo, Reyes and Ramirez.  So, to amend what I just said, I usually just take a late flyer on a shortstop.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I drafted a 1st or 2nd round shortstop, and I play in about ten leagues per year.  In leagues that play a middle infielder, then you might need two of these schmohawks.  Hopefully, you can grab two decent 2nd basemen and only need one of these guys.  As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Troy Tulowitzki – His projections are found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Jose Reyes – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Hanley Ramirez – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Elvis Andrus -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Asdrubal.  I call this tier, “Only four shortstops in and it’s your last chance for a decent one.  Yay.”  Maybe it’s Arlington, maybe it’s the lineup around him, but I still think he can hit 7 to 10 homers and be the new Reyes.  He’s still only 23 years old and he’s shown durability and speed.  All he needs is to find a little power stroke and we’re looking at a guy that is gonna shoot up a few rounds next year.  2012 Projections:  105/7/60/.285/40

5. Starlin Castro – Castro’s gonna be the Jeter of the Cubs.  Players on the Cubs are gonna come and go and Castro’s gonna be there, hitting .300, teen homers and steal 20-ish bases.  For a long time.  (Note #1:  I wrote the preceding then decided to use my Google machine to see if anyone’s made that comparison before.  Sure enough, yup.  Dozens of people.  There’s even a crappy Bleacher Report slideshow of Jeter and Castro that has five pictures total that are flip-flopped five times to drive up pageviews.)  (Note #2:  If you skipped the first note, let’s act like I invented the Castro/Jeter comparison.)  (Note #3:  There’s no note number three.)  I’m sure I’m the first person to think of the Jeter vs. Castro comparison.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without a spellchecker!  (Note #4:  Thanks for ignoring the first note.)  2012 Projections:  100/12/70/.310/20

6. Jimmy Rollins – You know when you show up at a party early and no one else is there and you’re stuck talking to people you don’t know?  That’s like drafting a player the year before he breaks out.  “So, how do you know the host of the party?  You met him at AA?  Cool.  You know, I actually have another party I have to get to.”  It’s equally bad showing up sober to a party late and everyone is drunk and acting a fool.  That’s like drafting an older player who finally becomes useless.  “So, you put flash frames of Masonic imagery in your home movies?  Interesting… I think I’m gonna head home.” And before you know it you’re cleaning up vomit off your shoes because of the random guy who couldn’t resist the Jager.  No one wants to be the first or last person at the party.  I get it.  You’re running the risk of being last on Rollins and having to clean up his puke, but I think a car load of girls is about to show up and the party has one more rally left in it.  2012 Projections:  80/14/55/.270/24

7. Asdrubal Cabrera – Let’s put what I have to say aside for one second.  Bill James says Asdrubal should go 16/15/.273.  He gives Rollins 16/25/.262, Castro 8/21/.312 and Andrus 4/39/.281.  Those are relatively the same with Rollins getting the edge because of steals and power.  Rollins is obviously the most likely to get those numbers or get injured.  Castro doesn’t have huge power, but he’s better in steals and average.  Andrus is way better in steals and slightly better in average.  So why is Asdrubal last?  He never hit more than 6 homers in any other professional season.  He just pulled a 25 homer, “Hey, look I’m Ben Zobrist!” season out of his back pocket.  All of those other shortstops have done all of those numbers before.  Andrus easily has speed, Rollins has done those numbers for multiple seasons and Castro is five years Asdrubal’s junior and he just went 10/22 and hits .300 like it’s his job (which it is), i.e., I’m not drafting Asdrubal with his current price tag.  2012 Projections:  80/14/70/.270/15

8. Derek Jeter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Bonifacio.  I call this tier, “Where’s all the freakin’ shortstops?”  What a mess this position is.  That’s it; only 7 shortstops?  For serious?  That’s ridiculous.  Fold the position and move everyone on the field thirty feet to their right.  Or count pitchers’ hitting for fantasy and forget about shortstops.  Last three years, Jeter’s homers have been 18, 10 and 6.  As we know from 3rd grade math problems, next year Jeter’s gonna hit a negative two homers.  Hey, Garrett Atkins, get out of Jeter’s earth skin?!  2012 Projections:  90/10/60/.275/15

9. Alexei Ramirez – I dislike this guy a shizzload.  His end of the year stats of 17-ish homers and 10-ish steals look all right, but to get there it’s, like, 3 homers and 1 and a half steals per month.  Who even steals half bags?  Fat and/or lazy guys, and Alexei isn’t fat the last time I checked.  Oh, and when you’re waiting for 3 homers and 1+ steal a month, it’s utterly yawnstipating.  2012 Projections:  75/17/80/.270/10

10. Erick Aybar – The best thing Aybar has going for him is Scioscia loves him like a fat kid loves cake.  When the best thing for you is when a Sciosciapath likes you, you’re in trouble.  He gave Jeff Mathis 2000 ABs!  2012 Projections:  80/6/50/.280/24

11. J.J. Hardy – You trusting J.J. Hardy as your shortstop?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, are you?  He wasn’t even drafted last year and he’s ranked 11th, and it’s not like he was this prospect that suddenly emerged and that’s why he wasn’t drafted.  He’s 29 years old and has played 7 years in the majors.  You think he’s going to repeat last year or do you think he’s gonna disappoint like his other years?  Oh, God, this position is terrible.  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.255

12. Emilio Bonifacio – A utility man who just had a career year isn’t my idea of a great draft pick.  Maybe I’m old fashioned!  Maybe when I curse I say drats!  Maybe I call my breeches knickerbockers!  Maybe I’m afraid of planes because I think they’re giant birds!  I don’t buy Bonifacio at all on the average.  That was bolstered by luck and a hitting streak where things were falling in for him…. Hmm, that’s sorta the same as luck.  I also don’t buy the power, even if it was only five homers last year.  The speed is real though, so if you can get him at a bargain and you need speed, go for it.  Remember, you’re drafting a guy that you will almost definitely want to drop two weeks into the season.  2012 Projections:  70/2/40/.260/30

13. Dee Gordon – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Alcides.  I call this tier, “Honestly, I don’t even think these guys are that great, but compared to what’s left after this, this is your last chance for exciting.”  If you don’t have a shortstop by the end of this tier, then you are punting shortstop and will end up with a waiver wire carousel of Cliff Pennington, Rafael Furcal and Jason Bartlett.  Otherwise known as Clafson Barcal, who only sounds like a character from The Wire.  Gordon is Juan Pierre at shortstop.  He’s so skinny if you put a sesame seed on his head he looks like a thumb tack.  I don’t think Gordon could hit a homer if they move the fences to standard Celebrity Softball regulation.  But he does have speed to burn, so there’s that.  2012 Projections:  80/0/30/.265/45

14. Ian Desmond – I feel like Desmond and Espinosa both get a bad rap.  Speaking of bad rap, imagine Nicki Minaj guest rapping on a Pitbull song.  Man, they are both terrible.  You’re not rhyming Kodak with Kodak, you are just repeating the same word!  Desmond was actually a bit lucky with his average last year and he strikes out a lot.  It’s not a great sign, but all the players this low have some drawbacks.  2012 Projections:  70/10/65/.250/22

15. Zack Cozart – I already went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while defriending anyone that ruined Boardwalk Empire’s finale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.245/20

16. Alcides Escobar – This is it.  No more upside at shortstop after this.  Unless you’re related to Everth Cabrera and you promised to draft him so he stops threatening to walk into traffic.  Alcides has the promise of 40 steal speed in those luscious gams of his.  Whether he ever wants to make good on that promise is up to him.  BTW, luscious is a totally normal adjective to describe another man’s legs.  Alcides looks like a poor man’s Aybar.  Or a Sawdust-On-The-Floor-bar.  2012 Projections:  75/5/50/.250/30

17. Jhonny Peralta – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “If you draft from here, you will rotate out your shortstop at least 5 times this year.”   I guess Peralta could be J.J. Hardy this year and bash 30 homers.  More than likely he’ll hit 17 homers and a .250 average.   I don’t buy the .299 average last year at all.  I think the God of Extra H’s came to him in April and bestowed on him his one wish — a pony that craps gold.  Then he got lucky and hit .299.  (You didn’t think he’d wish for a .299 average, did you?  I mean, wouldn’t he just wish for a .300 average?  C’mon, use your brain!)  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.250

18. Yunel Escobar – I never know what to make of Yunel.  One year he hits 11 homers and another year he hits 14 and another year he hits 10 homers.  Will he hit 11 this year?  Maybe 12?  Or even 13?  So much to think about!  /sarcasm  2012 Projections:  70/12/45/.280/3

19. Jason Bartlett – I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bartlett traded to a team that uses him as a backup.  Luckily, that wouldn’t change his fantasy value.  Because to change values, you need value — snap!  2012 Projections:  50/3/35/.255/20

20. Rafael Furcal -  Member when Furcal was one of the top shortstops in the game?  Yeah, I don’t either.  I have a bad memory.  Who are we talking about anyway?  Ryan Klesko?  I love his sideburns!  2012 Projections:  60/7/35/.245/12

After the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these standout:

Tyler Pastornicky – Since the Braves like to throw prospects to the fire (to nice success), I expect they’re going to give Pastornicky, who sounds like the clergyman that Carmela made out with, every chance to play.  In the minors, he’s shown decent power for a shortstop and 20-ish speed.  I wouldn’t expect much of an average.  He might be a very cheap Ian Desmond.  That sounded better in my head than it probably did in yours.  To read further on Tyler Pastornicky 2012 fantasy, click that link-a-ma-boob.  2012 Projections:  55/7/65/.250/17

Jed Lowrie – The fact that the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and this post both have Astros in the upside flyer section at the end of the post speaks volumes.  I share very little enthusiasm for Lowrie that others have.  Best case scenario, he hits 15 homers and steals 3 bases.  Over the course of the season, you’re looking at a guy that hits about 2 homers per month.  That gets boring by April 7th.  2012 Projections:  60/12/65/.260/3

Stephen Drew – I usually like to highlight guys at the bottom of this list to look at late, but we’re talking about shortstops here.  If you couldn’t tell from the dozen or so times I said there’s no good shortstops, here’s another indication.  For the first time in a while, Stephen Drew will not disappoint because no one is expecting anything from him.  The Royal We is not even sure if he’ll be able to play when the season rolls around.  Think about all the time we would’ve saved from drafting the two Drew boys if Mother Drew never met Father Drew.  Could someone travel back in time and make sure they never meet?  2012 Projections:  60/12/55/.270/5

In the last installment of the grading process, we have to look at the bad – those guys I, Albert Lang, was totally wrong about. As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players! Thanks for reading!

Joe Nathan – After doing some research and talking to some folks, I was pretty sure Nathan was healthy and undervalued. Well, that wasn’t the case. He stumbled out of the gates and has been bogged down by the suckitude of the rest of the Twins. His year would look better if the Twins were capable of doing anything, but 13 saves isn’t going to cut it. It’s the 31^st most at the position and less than Kevin Gregg, Javy Guerra, Frank Francisco and Matt Capps.

Madison Bumgarner– I don’t think I was more off on a player than Bumgarner. I had him as the 76^th best starting pitcher, while consensus had him around 37. I saw Bumgarner as an uninteresting 3.50 ERA pitcher with a WHIP around 1.25 and 130 Ks. I wasn’t totally off on the ERA (3.32) or WHIP (1.24), but man I didn’t think he’d pitch this many innings with this kind of K-rate. Bumgarner sits as the 30^th best SP in fantasy this season. Whoops!

Jair Jurrjens – Like Bumgarner, I was pretty far off on Jurrjens. I had Jurrjens as 99 among starting pitchers, consensus had him around 50. I had him pegged for a 3.90 ERA, 1.33 WHIP and 130 Ks. I was incredibly concerned about his durability. While I nailed his inability to rack up Ks for you (the Braves have shut him down and he has just 90 Ks), his ERA (2.96) and WHIP (1.22) more than make up for those shortcomings. In fact, Jurrjens is the 36^th best pitcher in fantasy this year.

Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t differ with consensus much on Sandoval, but enough to make it really matter. The “royal we” had Sandoval as the 12^th best 3b, I had him as 15. I said he was a .300 hitter (I was right there) but with moderate pop. His 23 HRs (while missing time with an injury) are the opposite of moderate. Sandoval is the 10^th best 3b this season.

Tim Hudson – I was way off on Tim Hudson. While he wasn’t loved in the community (39^th SP), I really hated on him (65^th SP). I pegged Hudson to finish with a 3.40 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, and 140 Ks. Well, Hudson is the 18^th best SP in 2011 with a 3.19 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 150 Ks. He’s beaten my projections pretty well. He keeps going out there and converting balls in play to outs. Congrats!

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Man, that was a bad call.

Brian Roberts – I don’t know which sleeper call was more laughable, Brian Roberts or Dice-K. Probably Dice-K, because when I wrote the Roberts section he was, supposedly, technically, healthy. God, why wouldn’t the Orioles trade him two years ago?

Logan Morrison – I thought Morrison would be an 80 run threat with a decent average and some moderate pop. Well, the pop has been anything other than moderate (23 HRs in 462 ABs), however he has scored just 54 runs and batted a disappointing .247. He’s gotten on base and the power is a great sign going forward, but he didn’t do what I expected this year.

Bobby Abreu – I had Abreu as a .265-.270 hitter with a .360 OBP, 90 runs, 18-20 HRs and 23-25 SBs. He hit .253 with just 54 runs, eight HRs, but has 21 SBs and a .353 OBP. I’d like to call this one a push, but it isn’t. I was wrong; Abreu is in full on decline now. What a great career, but the lights have clearly gone out.

James McDonald – It should come as no surprise that I love James McDonald. I had him down for an ERA in the 3.00s, a WHIP around 1.30 and 180 Ks. Well, he has 142 Ks, a 4.21 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. He has shown improvements, but that’s still a swing and a miss. That said, I did like him more than Carlos Carrasco, JA Happ, Mike Pelfrey, Randy Wells, Carl Pavano and Tim Stauffer. With the exception of Stauffer, I was dead on, making this just short of a clear push.

Brett Cecil – It just never came together for Brett Cecil the way I thought it could. I had him as the 62^nd best SP before the year, whereas he went largely unranked/undrafted by the masses. I saw an ERA somewhere between 3.85-4.15, 140 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.30-1.35 range. Well, the ERA (4.73) and WHIP (he’s at 1.33) are far from great. However, he never got the innings I thought he would and is sitting at just 87 Ks. I believe in him long-term, but he didn’t provide much value to teams in 2011.

Ike Davis – I personally blame the medical staff who work for the New York Metropolitans – but, then again, I know they haven’t been too successful lately. Moving forward, Mets players should have a Red Letter attached to their name.

Mike Aviles – I missed badly on Aviles. I ranked him as the 12^th best 2b and 9^th best SS. I believed he was capable of putting up a .290 average, 10-15 HRs and double digit steals. I must have been drunk when making that assessment.  Aviles is the 38^th best 2b, behind such standouts as Robert Andino, Brent Lilibridge and Aaron Miles. He fared a bit better against the shortstop pool, coming in at 30^th, although he is behind all glove, no-hit Brendan Ryan and Willie Bloomquist, who is all-nothing. He did have seven homers and 14 steals, but the .255 batting average and sporadic playing time made him worthless.

Jed Lowrie – It’s hard to say whether I was more incorrect about Lowrie or Aviles – it’s like comparing Bachman Turner Overdrive and Paul McCartney and Wings. I did couch my Lowrie prediction in a lot of qualifiers, but at the end of the day had him as a .274 hitter with 15 HRs and believed he was a likely top 25 player at the position. Sounds like a pretty flimsy projection. And yet, I still whiffed like Mark Reynolds does while batting/fielding. Lowrie, the 41^st ranked SS at the moment, is batting .252 and has tallied just six homers. He can’t stay healthy. I must repeat that to myself.

Daric Barton – Another horrible call. I truly believed Barton’s plate discipline would result in a cheap and easy 85 runs. I also saw him as similar to Gaby Sanchez from a few years ago, with double digit power + upside. It was clearly a deep league play, but I did advocate for Barton over James Loney. As for the tale of the tape: Barton has a .212 average, 27 runs and zero homers and has logged just 236 at bats. While Loney has sort of sucked, he’s been way better than that.

Aaron Hill – While I ranked him lower than where he was going in most drafts, I also thought Hill could bat .260 with 25 HRs and 70 runs/RBIs. The only thing that made his numbers approach my expectations was a trade to the desert. Hill currently sits at .246 with just eight homers. He does have 61 runs and 61 RBIs, so my 70/70 wasn’t too far off. But, yikes, 2009 was a long, long, long time ago.

Mitch Moreland – I thought Moreland would easily hit 20 HR and drive in 80 RBIs and that he could finish top 15 at 1b. Wow, was that wrong. Moreland has 16 HRs and never showed enough skills to get the PT required to reach 80 RBIs (he has just 51). He is not only outside the top 15 1bs, he isn’t even in the top 30.

Brandon Allen – Allen never got the playing time and he was really just a stab in the dark for me. Still, when he has gotten into games, he has done nothing. He has a .200 average and just six homers in 175 ABs.

Juan Miranda – The thought of Miranda having 20+ HR potential is laughable now. Fighting off Xavier Nady and Russell Branyan wasn’t even possible for the slugger who has sluggishly batted just .213 with seven homers in 174 ABs.

Ryan Hanigan, Josh Thole, A.J. Ellis – These guys never got the at bats to do anything. They were decent gambles, but hit just 11 HRs combined.

Mark Ellis, Sean Rodriguez, Eric Young Jr. – Ultimately they didn’t come close to anything resembling a sleeper. Thankfully, you couldn’t have spent much on them. Young did steal some bases, despite having a really hard time actually getting to first base – so there’s that!

Jose Lopez, David Freese – I thought both guys would be cheap enough to make any contributions worthwhile. Freese hasn’t played much because he has been hurt (typical), whereas Lopez hasn’t played much because he sucks (typical). Both have shown signs down the stretch, but were basically worthless throughout the year.

Mark Trumbo is done for the year with a stress fracture in his foot.  What an inauspicious end to his rookie season, if I’m using the word inauspicious correctly, or even spelling it right.  Year line was 65/29/87/.254/9.  Trumbo’s OBP was tizzerrible at .291, but his minor league rates suggest he can grow into someone that can take a walk here and there.  He’ll never be a .400 OBP guy.  The power and the light speed is for real.  His most impressive number for this year?  539.  As in the number at-bats Scioscia gave him.  Sure, he was a bit hogtied with Kendrys adding an S for “sidelined.”  In 2012 when Kendrys returns (or is the verb singular there?), we’ll see if Scioscia learned his lesson that every player doesn’t need to be a variation of a light-hitting middle infielder.   I have my doubts.  There’s talk Trumbo could see action at third base next year, but he fields about as well as Dalton Trumbo avoided commie accusations.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

Yovani Gallardo – Scratched from his last start so he’s ready for the postseason.  Um, I have fantasy championships on the line?  Hello, priorities.  On a real baseball note, I hope the Brewers go all the way in the playoffs.  That is who I’m rooting for.  Or is it whom?  Anyhoo!  (Anywhom?)  Not just because I want to see Selig’s toupee get all bent out of shape when he hands the World Series trophy to the owner that replaced him or because I picked them in the preseason.  I want the Sausage Race on a national stage.  The kielbasa has toiled in obscurity long enough.

Andrew McCutchen – After being hit in the groin during batting practice, he was scratched.  Hopefully by Mrs. Dread Pirate.

Kevin Youkilis – Sawx announced it’s doubtful that he plays in the O’s series.  According to the latest ESPN, The Magazine, Youkilis doesn’t need to play because Boston is the greatest sports city in the world and that gets them an automatic bye into the playoffs.  For every sport.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ESPN, The Magazine said Beckett is the biggest of the biggest big game pitchers in the majors and when a game is on the line he gets it done better than anyone.  Unless said game is against one of the worst teams in the majors.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with a homer after going 2-for-3 in his previous start.  When he gets hot, he tends to get very hot, so might be worth looking at him for the last couple of games.

James Shields – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On a related note, Yahoo doesn’t count a playoff game, but ESPN does.  I’d start to grab any Rays and Red Sox players you can in case there’s a one game playoff.  Kelly Shoppach?  Yes.  Lowrie?  Yes.  Salty, Scutaro, Brignac, Kotchman, Joyce… Even grab middle relievers for a possible vulture win.  Everyone.  This obviously goes for the Cardinals and the Braves too.  Matt Diaz, Alex Gonzalez, Freese, Jon Jay, Molina, etc.  Grab them now before your leaguemates do.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ends the year with a 3.47 ERA, 1.18 WHIP and 185 Ks.  Well, if this year was a step back, I’ll take it every day and twice on Muesday.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This season Mr. Fister took my broken wings, and taught me to fly, live and love so free.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a tight hamstring.  Figures, had been almost a week since his last injury.

Matt Wieters – Hit his 21st homer.  Where’s his just desserts?  Is he getting them?  Did they reopen Matt Wieters Facts dot com?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Gotta be embarrassing for all the baby mommas in Colorado that named their kid Ubaldo during the first half of last year.  “Because you were, uh, bald.  Um, oh.”  That’s the moms explaining their child’s name to them when they turn 13.  You know, when they’re prepping for their bar mitzvah.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners.  I love the Braves young pitchers.  That is all.

Alex Gonzalez – 1-for-3 as he returned to the lineup.  When he left, he was on fire with three homers in his last 6 games.

Angel Pagan – Done for the year.  There’s a conspiracy theory why his season is done that you can read about in Dan Brown’s latest novel, Angels & Pagans.  I believe the Illuminati is behind it.  BTW, if you Google Illuminati, you find Lady Gaga is a puppet for the Illuminati.  That made me laugh.  I think everyone should have one friend who is a conspiracy theorist.  Not a close friend, just someone you talk to once in a while.  The smarter the conspiracy theorist friend you have, the weirder the theories.  I recently talked to my friend who’s a conspiracy theorist and was told that Bin Laden is still alive, living in Virginia and working with the US government on the war with terror.  I wondered if Bin Laden likes Five Guys Burgers.  “This is delicious cow meat!”  That’s Bin Laden eating a burger in Washington, D.C.

Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 with a steal.  He should be starting for the final two games of the season and he has speed to burn, if that interests you.

Mike McCoy – 0-for-3 with 2 steals.  See what I said about Jarrod Dyson or 1/8th of an inch above.

Brian Wilson – Casilla got the save yesterday as Wilson was shut down for the year.  All beards in San Francisco will now be at half mast.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER and he was relieved by Hoey.  Dewey and Louie stayed in the bullpen.

Shaun Marcum – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Left his September 4th start with a 3.11 ERA and will end the season with a 3.54 ERA.  Yeah, I could’ve done without the last three weeks of starts.

Jack McKeon – The 80-year-old is retiring.  When the Marlins wouldn’t make their entire schedule day games to accommodate Carrows’ early bird specials, McKeon had no choice.  This opens up room for Ozzie Guillen, who was released yesterday by the White Sox.  At one point, it was rumored that Ozzie was being traded for Logan Morrison.  They could’ve just traded Twitter accounts.  I imagine the first day Ozzie is in South Beach he’s going to walk around muttering to himself, wondering why there are so many Jay Mariotti’s.

Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-4 with a homer and he became the first paisan born in Italy to play in the major leagues in 50 years.  That’s a one spicy prospect!

Dustin Ackley – Mariners scored 12 runs and Ackley didn’t play.  Holy sit!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Has tailed off quite a but after the ASB (.233, 5 steals), but his power numbers have stayed fairly consistent.  Definitely peaked in May but 4 homers in August isn’t too shabby.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games as he bats .368 through 38 ABs.  In related roundup news, Alex Liddi likes to call him Chris Parm.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now has 32 steals and is getting dangerously close to the point where he’s going to elicit questions next year.  “Hey, Grey, magnificent ‘stache.  Magnificent!  So what do you think of Ben Revere?  Obvious bargain, right?”  A guy with no power, around 30 steal speed is a dime a dozen in most mixed leagues.  Good waiver wire pickup is different than a good draft pick.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Similarly to Kennedy, he has some FIPping issues too.  We’ll look at in the offseason.  We’ll debate, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll scratch ourselves, we’ll scratch someone else thinking it’s ourselves.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Bad week to quit closing out games.

Troy Tulowitzki – Getting closer to getting back on the field after taking batting practice and participating in other baseball activities.  Ya know, like spitting and grabbing himself.

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Even if this start was in Coors, it was another solid year for Hodgepadres, and next year I’m definitely drafting only Padres pitchers on one team.  I gotta try it before the apocalypse.

Octavio Dotel – Got the save yesterday.  Motte came in for the ninth, messed around and gave up a triple, double, but it was not a good day.  La Russa lifted him with the bases empty and now who knows who’s the closer.  My guess is it’s still Motte, but we shall see.  Or not.  Or probably.

Jarrod Parker – Was officially called up yesterday.  I already went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting in line at the DMV to have them change my height from five-seven to five-eight.

Mariano Rivera – Everyone’s heard by now that he broke Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Surprised there wasn’t more made of this, but another record was broken yesterday.  Kerry Wood was deemed “done for the season” before the end of the season for a record 11 of 13 seasons.

Matt Angle – 3-for-8 with 2 steals in the doubleheader.  Far from an exciting name, but if you’re desperate for steals, he should get them over the next week-plus.  That’s your Angle.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and a homer.  Hasn’t been playing because of a bum shoulder.  Try some soap and getting rid of the shopping cart filled with junk.  He’s back now and, if his bat is hot, the Sawx will play him.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  I’ve been behind the scenes at Razzball HQ preparing the end of the season lists that will come in October and Soto wasn’t even in the top 20 catchers.  Though one big night may change that.  That was what they call a tease.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he dedicated the 2nd home run to his biggest fan.  Me.  At least that’s how I cut the interview together with my iMovie.

Omar Infante – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Nobody puts Infante in the corner.

Brad Hand – With the innings starting to creep up, the Marlins might shut him down.  Right now, the Marlins are talking to the Hand.

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”