Fantasy Baseball Advice

Tim Hudson is on track to make a rehab start.  If all goes well, and that if is ginormous, then he can return to the Braves for their failed chase for the Wild Card.  Recovering from Tommy John is usually the same no matter what, shorty.  Pitchers usually return to three-quarters of their former selves or they can become seven-fifths of their former selves, which is to say they can be better.  Though they’re not usually better when they are first reactivated.  They usually return slightly less than three-quarters.  If you’re half as confused by those fractions as I am writing them, let me break it down to you, nice and simple like Minnie Pearl.  Tim Hudson’s worth stashing on your DL for matchups, but the upside is merely usable in 12 team leagues.  Don’t expect miracles.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  He shows you some solid starts, then he shits your house.

Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-5, 2 HRs and 19 homers on the year.  The quietest 19 homers anyone has in the majors.  Oh, wait.  Jason Kubel also has 19 homers.  Meanwhile, some schmohawk who’s batting .219 for the Sox is ESPN’s lead story.

Carl Pavano – 7 IP, 0 ER in his debut for the Twins on Saturday.  Still not a huge fan of 4th or 5th fantasy starters from the AL, but Pavano should be slightly better on the Twins.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most leagues, but there might be a situation where it makes sense.

Brian Matusz – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners as he roofied you. Remember that when you read about Derek Holland’s great start in about three minutes.

Marco Scutaro – HR yesterday as he went 4-for-5. Has 10 homers and 8 steals and a .300 average.  Somewhere Polanco says, “Hey, that’s my season!”

Trent Oeltjen – 3-for-4 and a HR yesterday.  Sometimes it takes a few weeks for pitchers to get the scouting reports on guys.  Worth grabbing The Outback while pitchers try to figure him out.  Keep in mind he looks like he’s sitting vs. lefties.

Yusmeiro Petit/Joel Pineiro – 4 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners and 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks and the Win.  Guess there’s only room for one -eiro.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  For those that don’t own the Mini-Donkey.  He now has 8 homers in the last 10 games.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.

Aaron Cook – Will miss his next start because of turf toe, which would’ve been avoided if God gave us all Nerf toes.

Carlos Gonzalez – 7 for his last 15 as he started every game this weekend for the Rox.  I doubt they start him vs. lefties, but in deep leagues he’s worth a flier.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Solid start, just Johan outpitched him.  I just had a crazy idea, imagine Johan pitched his home games in a stadium as spacious as Petco… Oh, wait.

Eugenio Velez – 2-for-4, after hitting homers in back-to-back games on Friday on Saturday.  No idea how he hit those homers, I’m assuming 120 MPH winds were blowing out and they let Velez hit from 2nd base.  Either way, he’s batting .400 over the last seven games.  He’s really just steals, but while he’s hot he’s worth a flier.

David Weathers – Heads to the Brewers.  Now the Brewers have Tackleberry (Weathers), Guttenberg (Braun) and Hooks (Fielder).

Felipe Lopez – 1-for-3, batting .303 on the season with 6 homers and 6 steals.  Marco Scutaro just looked at those numbers and yawned.  Steal a base, Lopez!  Hit a homer!  Do something!

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday as I sat him because he was facing a lefty.  Sonavabench!

Matt Diaz – HR yesterday vs. a lefty and batting .350 on the year vs. lefties.  If you have the room, Diaz do what he do vs. lefties.

Derek Holland – Complete game shutout, 8 Ks.  Go back and look at Matusz’s line if you’ve forgotten.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, you have three games in Coors to hit a homer then we’re done-zo.

Jed Lowrie – Headed to the DL.  In other news, Julio Lugo’s batting .345 for the Cards.

Alexei Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Let’s put it this way, I’m not dropping Alexei (though I might in mid-September when anything goes), but Alexei has a long way to go before he falls into that category of guys I won’t draft on any team next year.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Honestly, even when I said everyone should draft him in February, I had no idea the Wandwagon could roll like this.

Scott Kazmir – What a fucker.

Rajai Davis – 2 steals yesterday.  If you need steals, SAGNOF!

Bobby Crosby – 2 HRs yesterday.  Elias Sports Bureau said these two homers by Bobby Crosby were the most by any player that you thought was no longer in the league.  Actually, they did not say that.  But overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau offices, “For the first time since last year, Ralph in Human Resources tried to fool Parking Enforcement with a homemade handicapped sign.”

With Wakefield headed to the DL with a bad back (can’t he throw his knuckleball while sitting down?), Clay Buchholz will step into the Sawx rotation.  In 99 innings of Triple-A, Buchholz had a line of 2.36/.98 and 89 Ks.  His walks were down this year in the minors, though he did walk 3 in his only major league start this year vs. the Blue Jays.  Buchholz should be owned in all leagues, 10 team or deeper.  If he pitches well vs. the Rangers (though I wouldn’t start him in all formats), he may become even better trade bait for your team.  I doubt Buchholz stays in the rotation the rest of the year and, even if he does, he had a 6.75 ERA last year.  I’d imagine this year you’re looking at around a 4 ERA.  Your ability to sell on Buchholz may close quicker than you can incorrectly spell his last name.  In keepers, I’d hold tight.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  A bit of housekeeping before we get into today’s roundup.  Razzball’s Fantasy football leagues are forming and we’ve unveiled our Fantasy Football Team Name Generator (with some additional categories that weren’t on the Fantasy Baseball Team Name Generator).  Okay, now for the roundup…

Roy Halladay – J.P. Ricciardi says the ace must be traded by July 28th or he won’t be moved.  As for why July 29th-31st wouldn’t work, Ricciardi cited airings of Top Chef Masters, then reruns of CSI: Miami and Bones.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu went FUBAR into the center field wall.  The Mariners are saying he’s day-to-day.  I have to assume he’s a-day-or-two-or-three-days.  The newspaper reporting this, The News Tribune, said when you saw the photo of The Big FraGu on the ground “you had to be absolutely freaking out.” Direct quote.  Hey, I’m no newspaper writer, but when did “absolutely freaking out” become AP style?  I blame Woodward and Bernstein.  That’s right, the guy who wrote “gloryholz” in his title is calling someone out for “absolutely freaking out.”  Deal with it!

Wladimir Balentien – HR yesterday filling in for the InJured FraGu.  If Balentien gets some time, then he’s worth a look in AL-Only leagues or leagues that require you to have one player with the name Wladimir.

Jack Hannahan – 2 HRs.  He’s doing much better since he was demoted from the job of Nats closer.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s done.  Also, Leyland’s saying he’s going to pull the plug on him to keep his innings down.

Braden Looper – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 K.  Good for Looper, but I feel bad for the guy who lugged all those cardboard Ks to the game.

John Lannan – Shutout vs. Guess who.  Hint the Padres were facing the Marlins.  Still nothing?  C’mon, the Metropolitans!

Oliver Perez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 BBs.  Perez is a pitching dynamo.  (Dynamo, as defined by Merriam-Webster’s, is a generator, especially one for producing direct current.  A dynamo is also rarely useful in modern days.)

Miguel Montero – HR yesterday as he bats .583 in the last 7 games and .380 in July.  He might be Pipp’ing Snyder.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the peasant Royals.  Belch.

Erick Aybar – 7-for-9 in the doubleheader.  Hitting .469 so far in July.  Johnny Olson, let’s see what’s behind schmohawk MI door number three… It’s Erick Aybar!  I picked him up in a 12 team league.  I suggest you do too.

Everth Cabrera – Speaking of MI schmohawks.  Steals aren’t worth this much to me.  I dropped him for the aforementioned Aybar.

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  Wait, I know that line!  It’s Clayton Kershaw, right?  Wow, great impersonation, Scherzer.

Brian McCann – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  Has a 33/10/46/.305/3 line on the year.  Member when you wanted to get rid of him because he was getting his eyes checked for two weeks?  Yeah, you.  Couldn’t be?  Then who?

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  He’s as hot as Erick Aybar (<–actually a compliment).

Sergio Mitre – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  If he gives that line every time out and gets the Win for the Yanks, they’ll be more than happy.  You should not be.

Joe Blanton – 7 IP, 1 ER.  If you told me in March, I’d not only own Blanton, but I’d be starting him at home and be happy about it, I would’ve called you a liar.  *phone rings*  Hello?  Yes, this is Grey… Who?  This is the Time Traveler’s Wife?  You told me in March I’d own Blanton?  Liar!

Jayson Werth – Hit his 21st home run yesterday to win the game in the… blah blah blah… You don’t care who wins, do you?  Werth’s on his way to a monster season.  As George Lucas tells his ILM peeps, put the emphasis on the monster.

Jimmy Rollins – HR yesterday, batting .375 in July.  I’m not going to tell you how many times I told you in June to buy Rollins.

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks.  Honestly, he should be owned and talked about more, but there’s only so many letters I can type per day.  (About 12,700 +/- 20)  Cecil has solid stuff and the Ks aren’t a fluke.  He gets the Rays next (pass!), but he should get the A’s and the O’s after that, assuming everything stays quid pro bono unum.  He’s a decent spot start for those two. (Hey, sometimes to get the good starts, you gotta look ahead.)

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-3, 0 Runs and 0 RBIs.  T-Minus one day until I drop him.  Better hide under your desk.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER. Daily Roundup Mad-Libs, And the  ________ rolls on.

Mark DeRosa – Hit his first and second homers as a Card.  The trade is finally paying off!  Wait, the Cards lost.

Homer Bailey – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  If there’s such a thing as a minor league fantasy baseball league that counts only minor league stats, I’d hold Bailey.  Everywhere else, belch.

Manny Ramirez – Left after being hit by a Homer Bailey pitch.  Good to see Bailey not happy with just pissing off his owners.  Manny is said to be day-to-day.

Andrew Bailey – Given up runs in his last two appearances and he’s suffering from a sore knee.  Save vultures activate… In the form of Michael Wuertz.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday, cause that’s what he do.

Bobby Jenks – 1 IP, 2 ER and now has given up earned runs in four of his last five outings.  I’d own Linebrink if you have room.  Something might be jenky with Bobby.

John Danks – Will miss a start with a blister issue.  He pointedly said it was a blister, not a cold sore.

Carlos Quentin returned to play yesterday after taking a two month sabbatical for a foot thingiemaboo-boo.  So he DH’d right? Nuh-uh.  Oh, Jim Thome? Nope, Ozzie Guillen in his infinitesimal wisdom DH’d Josh Fields in the nine hole.  It’s almost like Ozzie’s daring Quentin to stay healthy.  Why not give him a hot foot with an M-80?  So what can we expect from Quentin for the rest of the season?  Best case scenario, has him playing 5 games a week and hitting well (as he did in his rehab assignment).  Maybe 15 homers, good RBIs and a .270 average.  He’s not going to come without risk.  At any point, I’m expecting word that he’ll be out for the year.  How’s that for a ringing endorsement?  So through one game, Quentin’s 1-for-4 and healthy.  Now give us forty-five more games.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an sub-2.50 ERA at home.  No one tell him his home is a hitter’s park.

Frank Francisco – Headed to the DL with pneumonia (the P’s silent).  C.J. Wilson will take over again.  Is it me or has C.J. Wilson been the closer for more of the year than Frank-Frank?  Francisco is supposed to return this Sunday as long as he battles pneumonia better than Jim Backus.  You are still larger than the cactus…

Nelson Cruz – Didn’t play Monday because of his fractured finger.  The Rangers said he’d be able to get back in the lineup.  The Rangers lied.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this becomes a more serious issue than was originally let on, at least that’s what my thought bubble says.

Jonathan Papelbon – Complained of stomach pain and was vomiting.  Perhaps he saw a video of his own dancing.  If he misses any time, Saito should get vulture saves.  I’d expect Papelbon to be back by Wednesday at the latest.

John Smoltz – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Has alternated between good start and terrible start since he was activated.  I’d see if he continues that trend and pitches well next time out while he was parked on my bench.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-3 and batted ninth.  T-minus two days and counting until I cut him from my teams.  To paraphrase Meg Ryan talking to Goose, “Hit for me now or I will lose you forever.”

David Murphy – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  If you have the luxury of only playing him when he plays, he can be valuable.  Shoot, at this point he’s hitting better than Josh Hamilton.

Jason Schmidt – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners.  Finally, an NL West starter I can’t get behind.  He’s been out too long and his fastball was pretty bleh.  In an NL-Only league?  Sure.  Everywhere else?  You can do better/safer/less-Schmidty.

George Sherrill – Supposed to be traded from the Orioles.  I think Jim Johnson would step in if Sherrill moves onto a better place.  Baez may also enter the picture.  Hopefully Orioles fans don’t abandon the franchise if they lose Sherrill and Oscar Salazar in the same week.

Darin Erstad – Headed to the DL.  Hopefully you got him out of your weekly lineups about six years ago.

Vladimir Guerrero – Scioscia said, “Vlad would be limited to DH duties when he returns.”  I asked, “Why wasn’t he only DH’ing to begin with?”  Scioscia said, “The same reason I don’t play Wood.”  I said, “Oh.”

Ted Lilly – 4 IP, 7 ER.  A lefty vs. the Phillies shouldn’t have looked like any major league team vs. Sidney Ponson.  Lilly’s knee must still be bothering him.  He might end up on the DL.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 11 Ks.  Good to see the Braves call him back up from the minors. (I know why he was demoted; it’s called being facetious. And this is called exposition.)

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-3, Batting .500 since the All-Star break with two homers while alternating between the fifth and six hole.

David Hernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners.  Don’t pick him up.  But he’s thrown three decent– Don’t pick him up.

Nick Markakis – Now has two homers in his last four games.  Sparkakis!

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-4 while leading off.  He wasn’t originally supposed to start because he couldn’t get to the game in time, so I removed him from my lineups.  Then the game was delayed and he started.  Sonavabench!

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Impressive home start from a pitcher I highlighted in the 2nd half pitcher post.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 2 ER.  If you had the cojones to start Millwood at home vs. the Sawx, then you deserved the Win.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  HodgePadre worth owning in 12 team leagues and deeper.

Nick Blackburn – 5 IP, 7 ER, As I said after his last start, which was a complete game, “There’s so many pitchers each week that are potential spot starters, even in deep leagues, that I just don’t want any part of a guy that has 51 Ks in just over 116 innings.” And that’s me quoting me!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 2 HRs as the Twins and A’s combined for 8 home runs.  Did Oakland install a dehumidifier?

Jason Giambi – Hit the Disgraceful List as the A’s admitted that Giambi wasn’t the ballplayer they had the first time around.  They blamed his lack of backne.

Daric Barton – HR yesterday.  Pick him up in all AL-Only leagues and 12 team leagues and deeper if you need a corner man.  He may not do much more than he’s done so far in the major leagues (170 games – 78/13/56/.239/3), but he shouldn’t kill you on average and has decent power.  If he hits, he will probably keep the job even when Giambi returns.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-5, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs with his grand slam just clearing the outfield fence.  Now has 3 homers since the break.  Maybe he realized he needs to play well to be a trade target and get the eff out of Oaktown.  He should get to 20+ homers and a .300 average.  So when you’re going into the break with 8 homers (or Wright +3), there is some room for improvement.

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks.  Johnny Vander Meer’s family can now stop following around the Giants.

Right now, Jason Bartlett has a 45/8/39/.347/19 line.  At 29-years-old, he’s flying past his career numbers.  Before this season, his career high for homers was 5.  He’s already at 8.  So let’s say the talk of his new jack swing is true; he can hit for more power now.  He’s still not hitting more than 5 homers in the 2nd half (he hit 1 homer in June and July in 87 ABs).  Recently, Maddon has batted him 7th or 8th in the order.  So the runs won’t come easy unless he eats at Taco Bell.  He’s a career .286 hitter with a .398 BABIP right now, so the average will come down.  He’s never stolen more than 23 bases in a season, but let’s say he blows that away by ten.  So let’s be optimistic and say a 2nd half line of 30/5/35/.300/14.  I ran an ultraviolet light over my bedsheets and it read, “That sounds a lot like Clint Barmes’s 2nd half.”  Thanks for confirming my suspicions, bed!  So Bartlett is a Sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Whitesell – Speaking of -sells, but this one’s a Buy… Kinda.  Whitesell doesn’t have every day playing time right now, so grab him in NL-Only leagues, but everywhere else I’d hold tight.  So, I guess, that’s a Whitehold.

Ramon Troncoso – The only thing better than getting vulture saves for your birthday is getting vulture wins.  But I’d take some vulture saves on my half birthday (<–it’s tomorrow!).

Pedro Martinez – Already went over my thoughts on Pedro to the Phillies.  I said, “In his last 48 starts, he has a 4.74 ERA and that was in a pitchers’ park.  On the other hand, he has been solid for Ks even as his career winds down.  On the third hand, he gave up 19 homers in 109 innings last year.  Oy.  I would grab him in an NL-Only league to see if there’s a spark left from the midget era, but I’d hold off in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me saving you the trouble of searching the site yourself!

Justin Duchscherer – Expected back early August.  I’d stash him if I had a DL spot.

Garrett Jones – If you’re wondering about this guy, where ya been?  He’s now been mentioned in three straight Buy/Sells.

Jed Lowrie – Will return on Saturday.  In a weekly AL-Only league, I’ve already activated him.  In a mixed league, where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ll probably drop Lowrie because even in his Sons of Sam Horn-deemed huge year in 2008, he had 2 homers and one steal while batting .258 in two-hundred and sixty at-bats.  Pardon me while I yawn.

Marcus Thames – Has 3 homers in the last six games.  He can hit 7 more homers in the month of July before he becomes unusable in August, i.e., he’s streaky like Spike’s hair from Degrassi Junior High.  If Thames ever becomes a regular fantasy contributor, I have the title, “A Thames Runs Through It” burning a hole in my pocket.

Alex Gordon – Hey, it’s Grey’s favorite prospect that makes San Diego prospect, Nadir Bupkus, look valuable.  Boing! The best you could hope for from Gordon is a 5 to 7 homer 2nd half and 5 to 7 steals.  Those are optimistic when you consider he just had hip surgery.  Gordon’s worth grabbing if your corner spot is in dire straits, Mark Knopfler.

Edwin Encarnacion – To answer comment #76, “I’d go with Edwin over Alex Gordon.”

Mat Latos – The newest of the HodgePadres.  He was dissected in a Scouting the Unknown a few weeks ago.  I’d grab Latos in all leagues 12 or deeper.

Brandon Wood – Don’t blame Scioscia, where do you put a guy named Wood other than the bench?  It’s the power of the aptronym (<–Word of the Day!).  So, how long you think Scioscia extends Wood?  Hmm… Let’s rephrase.  How long until Wood’s demoted again?  Week?  Two?  I hope Wood’s up for good and getting regular at-bats, but I have my doubts.  He’s worth a flier but I wouldn’t invest too heavily.

SELL

Jay Bruce – Since I had no DL spot, I dropped him for Troncoso in a 15 team league.  He might return in 6 weeks.  Awesome!  He wasn’t hitting when his wrist was one piece.  I’d hold him in keepers and deep NL-Only leagues.

Dan Haren – The dog days of summer don’t do him justice.  Maybe he’s part-Albino and he’s scared of sun damage.  Whatever the case, the stats don’t lie.  Not since 2005 has he pitched well in the 2nd half.  And that was following a season of 46 innings in 2004, so my guess is he tires.  From 2006 through 2008, his 2nd half ERAs have been 4.91, 4.15 and 4.19, respectively.  Every way you look at it, he’s not the pitcher in the 2nd half as he has been in the 1st half.

Casey McGehee – McGehee has been slowed by patella tendinitis in his knee.  (I went to college with a Patella.  Sweet girl.)  McGehee’s 3 for his last 17 and has sat out three games in the last week.  As I said all along, McGehee wasn’t that great to begin with, if he’s hurting, there’s no reason to wait around.  It sure didn’ take McGehee long to go from a Buy to a Sell.  (BTW, the “T” that I left off of “didn” is being boxed up and shipped to Mat Latos.)

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.