Fantasy Baseball Advice

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?

As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits.  “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.”  Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.  A-Rod’s favorite hand?  Jacks over Queens.  If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror.  A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to make love to me.”  Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him.  Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face.  Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself.  Favorite part, “This is no bluff.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks.  Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”

Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd.  “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail.  Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit.  Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far.  It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs.  With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, whoop dee doo, Grey!  Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal.  Well, la di da!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs.  When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time.  When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time.  If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail.  Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!

Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s.  If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings.  Um, not so good.  He gets the Jays next time out.  That’s not so good either.  Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.

Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers.  It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back.  Truth.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day.  I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career.  He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less.  In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games.  He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20.  He has little to no speed.  Stephen also gave him some love recently.  He wrote it while popping a bubble.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.

Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Say uncle, Floyd.

Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game**  5 IP, 4 ER.  **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games.  I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint.  He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals.  He’s capable of 15 steals in a month.  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available.  May you stay, Eric Young.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal.  You know the drill.  It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals.  When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!

Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza.  Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer.  If you want, leave your password in the comments.  I’ll take it from there.

Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  Stairs can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.”  Fairly well, Stairs.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run.  But what about Ryan Ludwick?!

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293.  Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers.  Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario?  It’s not me.  It’s definitely not Mike Napoli.  Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer.  He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah!  Here.  Yesterday.  (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.)  Now use your finger and scroll down.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers.  I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.”  Fister, you make me punchy.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings.  Or he should’ve said that.  Tomato, tomahto.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average.  Napoli’s hitting .293.

Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby.  I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.

Stephen Drew to postpone all ballroom dancing classes for six to nine months with a fractured ankle.  His wife Nancy isn’t gonna be happy.  More time for mystery solving!  If you haven’t seen the video of Stephen Drew, I’d wait for it on the big screen in Faces of Death:  The Drew Edition, which will also feature J.D. throwing out his back, knee, shoulder, back again and ‘pulling up short.’  We probably won’t see Stephen again this year, so it’s fine to drop him.  In his place, Cody Ransom, Quad-A/futility infielder.  He has 25 homers in Triple-A this year, and 9 homers in about ten years of on again/off again major league service.  You can probably do better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wilson Betemit – Castaway Wilson got volleyed to the Tigers yesterday.  Betemit has never received any modicum of respect in his major league career, if I’m using the word modicum correctly.  For the longest time, the Royals would drop the boom with prospect after prospect and Betemit would be MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job — but now Betemit will take over 3rd base.  Brandon Inge must feel Blind Sided by this.  Maybe he should call Sandra Bullock or Big Mike to campaign for him.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?  If you’re struggling with your corner infidel in deep mixed leagues, Betemit could provide some pop and average.  Of course, don’t drop anyone too worthwhile for him.  Still no respect!

Casper Wells – This was what Leyland said when he sent Wells down, “It’s a crying shame.  He doesn’t deserve to go down.  This one hurts because the kid has done a hell of a job.”  Apparently, the only thing harder than giving up Casper is giving up tobacco.  If only there was a Casper Wells patch!

Duane Below – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He’s a pretty mediocre AL-Only option with a bleh K-rate in the minors.  Plus, Duane Below sounds like a What’s Happening episode where Raj and Rerun lost their friend’s hair pick.  Hey HEY….sob….hey.

Carlos Gomez – Broke his collar bone and will be out for a while.  Maybe Lastings Milledge can work “poppin’ collars like Carlos Gomez” into a song.

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I thought we had a deal that someone was going to sneak into Haren’s room and turn the calender back to June?

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  He looked better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Javy Guerra – Has six straight saves, an ERA of 2.18 and a perma-smile like the Joker.

Andre Ethier – Has 9 homers, zero steals and a .299 average.  Johnny Damon would be embarrassed by that line.

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in 26 games since he’s been called up.  He’s almost surely going to be overrated next year.  Damn you, half empty glass.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Next, he gets the Cubs, then the Astros twice.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.

Jason Vargas – 3 IP, 5 ER.  How very JV of him.  Two straight bad starts, two reasons he should no longer be on your team.

Adam Dunn – Out with knee problems.  Ironically, this year his fantasy owners were forced to take a knee.

John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Solid start in his return from the Disabled List.  Or as Ozzie calls it, the Puta List.

Brad Lidge – Due back from rehab on Friday.  I’d make sure he comes with return postage for when he gets hurt again.  He won’t be the closer immediately, but the Phils merry-go-round closerousel could pick up in August.

Antonio Bastardo – Charlie Manuel hinted that Bastardo could remain the closer.  I hope Madson enjoyed screwing Charlie Manuel’s daughter (I imagine she looks like Cletus from The Simpsons with boobs) because for some reason he’s in the dog house again.  Or maybe Manuel was saying Madson would be the closer, but calling him a bastardo.

Vance Worley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’d be cooler if his name was Van Swirley.  Last time Worley pitched well, I said he shouldn’t be pitching this well, but you should pick him up until he stops pitching this well.  Well, well, well…

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  The Cubs were mowed down by Philly — back again! — with a little east coast swing by the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, y’all!

Michael Martinez – 2-for-5 with 2 steals.  Probably won’t hit over .240 but he has some speed and is playing while Polanco receives an epidural.  Betcha Polanco wishes he chose natural childbirth.

Ryan Dempster – 3 IP, 6 ER as Dempster goes back to the dumpster.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 4 runs, a home run and two steals.  Encarnacion goes through stretches where he gets crazy hot.  Right now, hitting near .450 in the last week with three steals and a homer and 17 for his last 40.  He’s a hot schmotato, ya’ll.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a home run.  Really shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues at this point.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, and his 11th home run.  According to RCL updater, VinWins, Duffy’s Irish Pub in Washington, D.C. is matching beer prices to Jayson Werth’s average.  3 hits yesterday raised the price to $2.18.  For where I live (Los Angeles), a bar could match Ruth’s lifetime slugging percentage and be a good deal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Or as someone on Sportscenter probably said, Lonnie went gonnie.

Freddy Garcia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  When I see Garcia’s season ERA at 3.21, I get as incredulous as De Niro when Spider talks back to Pesci.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  Now has 13 steals on the year (and 13 errors and 13 strikeouts and 13 times he’s name dropped Jeter to try and get laid).

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Still recorded the save, but it’s worth noting he gave up a run.  And noted.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a season ERA of 1.98 as he went against Jeff Karstens (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K) and his 2.28 ERA.  To think we paid 20-something dollars for Gallardo in March… Cust frustrated.

Chase D’Arnaud – Now has 7 errors in 21 games played.  More like Chase D’Ball.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 14th and 15th home runs.  Member when I said in April Ellsbury and Gardner were the same player?  I kill myself sometimes.  Literally, I’m sticking my head in the oven.

Ricky Nolasco – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER vs. the Padres.  San Diego bats haven’t been used this much since Cinco de Mayo.  Not sure if candy came out of Nolasco.

Will Venable – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer as every hitter on the Padres got into the action.  San Diego’s offense yesterday was like Ralphie beating up Farkus.  Months of futility boiling up into an uncontrollable rage.  I just picture Jason Bartlett kicking and screaming, “Fickin’, shmikin…”

Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday.  *giggles like a schoolgirl*  Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday.  *giggles again*  It was his birthday!  Man, that is rich.  The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17.  Not someone important just to rub it in further.  Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps.  “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.”  So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider.  My love runs deep for Mr. Snider.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!”  And that’s me quoting me!  I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year.  I’d grab him in every league where you need power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run.  The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.

Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend.  Well, la di–No, actually that’s good.  Grab him if you need power.

Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.

Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain.  He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday).  On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories.  First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time.  The category has a committee leader:  Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.”  Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year.  Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room.  Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.”  Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them.  This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category.  Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”

Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week.  You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side?  Did he steal his toothpick?  “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter?  My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”

Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games.  All brays to Mini Donkey!

Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday.  I am Sparkakis!  Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade.  He’s on pace for a 15/15 season.  I give that a small yay.

Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games.  For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot.  If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards.  Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!  He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances.  Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.

Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).

Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile.  Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask.  I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K.  Having a better season than Zack Greinke.  Fantasy baseball:  helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.

Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9.  Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.

Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago.  If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…

Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade.  Someone’s enjoying their new environs.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer.  BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall.  Oh, no, CartGo.  Gasp!  Shudder.  Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh.  However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.

Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy.  He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.

Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year.  Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save.  Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now.  Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.”  If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.

Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.

Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far.  If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins.  Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch?  Doesn’t seem uber possible.  I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones.  He’s unstartable right now everywhere.

Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad.  His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”

Erik Bedard is headed to the DL.  The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall.  So, he has a sprained knee.  “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.”  That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it sickly, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters.  He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees.  That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale, so to speak.  Carrasco was always a regarded prospect and it looks like he’s finally putting it together.  I’ll buy it.  Masterson, I will also buy.  Tomlin, I do not buy.  Carmona’s crizzap even if he has potential closnarl.  That’s a scary-faced closer.  Valverde has mad closnarl.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-4 and his 5th home run.  He has a .266 average and about six years worth of hope wasted.  The one positive for Drew’s owners or wannabe owners is he tends to have a solid 2nd half.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His season ERA is 2.97, solid Ks and a 1.19 WHIP.  Yeah, that’s better than the fifth starter on your fantasy team.  Hodgepadre, shmodgepadre.  He should just be owned.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Now batting .175 with one home run.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Speaking of blisters, Rubby’s K:BB isn’t good at all, but his K-rate is nice.  To get less statistically abbreviated on you, I like him in very deep leagues, but not in any other ones for right now.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3 with his 9th steal in 40 games, and third steal in the last two games.  The concussed Span’s got the spins and could be out for a year or two if we’re to believe Morneau’s case example of being a Marblehead.  Whoa, burn!  In the mean’s while, Revere keeping his Somerville’d by lacing up his cleats and Salem from base to base.  Hey, you’re nobody until you’re Peabody.

Scott Baker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  ERA is 3.15, 1.19 WHIP and 101 Ks in 105 2/3 IP.  Props need to go out to Rudy on Baker.  Back in April, Rudy said, “Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!  Then I followed that up with a Buy article about Baker on April 22nd and again on April 29th.   It’s all there, search the site.

Alex Presley – 0-for-3 and a steal.  Not much to say here other than PICK HIM UP.  (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.)  Sorry, but I love seeing guys give fantasy value when they go oh-fer.  Shows me they’re really concerned for our fantasy teams’ well-being.

Eric Thames – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Hitting near .350 over the last week.  Could be a nice HBI (Hot Bat Injection) for those who need some power.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  [drooling] Brandon Morrow now has 91 Ks in 75 IP. [/drooling]

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  Yesterday, Tristan Cockcroft pointed out Ethier as a guy that is overrated.  I said that back in February.  (I know I said that too about Bautista.  Remember, I’m the one carrying the cross.)

Jayson Werth – Out with a bad hip.  Could be side-whined for a few days.

Ryan Franklin – Released by the Cardinals.  Take it one day at a time, Ryan.  Like your mom, Bonnie Franklin.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Geiger, let’s go!

Chris Carpenter - 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 132 pitches.  I wonder if La Russa will let Carpenter hammer the last nail in his coffin.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Easy matchup vs. the Giants but he still has some correcting to do with his 4.99 ERA.  I like him to get it down to around 4.00.

Josh Johnson – Saw Dr. Freeze and he found nothing but still shutdown Johnson for ten days.  A doctor’s gotta maintain his rep, I suppose.  “Don’t waste my time, Josh Johnson!  You’re grounded for 10 days.  Yes, that includes playing catch.  Yes, it’s fine to call your friend James Van Der Beek.  I don’t care if your friend Katie Holmes’ husband told you the pain is mental.”  Or if you prefer, “Tonight, a freeze is coming.”

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  Wasn’t an easy matchup, but I’m concerned Marcum isn’t fully healthy.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.63 ERA on the year.  February Grey told everyone to have Zimmermann or Beachy as their last starter.  February Grey, “Actually, I told everyone Zimmermann and Mike Minor, but then March Grey told everyone to switch it out with Beachy.  Carry on, June Grey, enjoy your last day!”

Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.85.  I’ve been deliberating whether to tell you Haren’s going to have a 2nd half slide.  I’ll let you know what verdict the jury brings back.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Walks too many, and he’s been getting lucky.  If you trust him, you’re gonna get roofied and that’s gonna hurt your naughty bits.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-3 with a slam and legs.  Has been getting benched because of his slump but this game might be the sign of an upcoming hot streak.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Antonio Bastardo – Recorded the save yesterday for the Phillies.  After the game, Charlie Manuel, wearing overalls and no shirt, said something but failed to remove the piece of hay from his mouth so no one’s sure what he said.

Jonny Venters – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I think the Braves are going to kill him from overuse then strap him to the roof of their station wagon as they head off to Wally World.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is having knee pain.  It’s a wonder he ever makes it out of bed.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with guess what?  Yup.

Jason Giambi – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  Having a much better season than Morneau.  Stab me in the eye.

Phil Hughes – Threw a solid start in rehab.  Why’s he pitching against a bunch of recovering drug addicts?  Inner voice, “It’s not that rehab!”  Um, right.  So I’m not a fan of Hughes for this year, told you to steer clear of him in the preseason, and don’t have high hopes for him when he returns.  With that said — yeah, I’m about to retract everything I just said — I’d stash him on my bench if I had room.

Clay Buchholz – As ESPN will tell you, with every Yankee mention, there needs to be a Red Sox mention.  Buchholz felt back pain on Tuesday and says he won’t return before the All-Star Game.  Too bad, so sad.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and 2 home runs.  Hayzeus Cristo, it took him long enough to get hot again.  Hang on for an eight homer month, assuming he stays healthy.

Jason Bay – 1-2 with 4 BBs, 3 Runs, and 2 SBs.  Since he’s not hitting any HRs, he’s reinventing himself as a leadoff hitter.  He better not want Crawford money – oh wait, the Mets are kind of paying him that already.

Angel Pagan – The oxymoron went 4-for-6 with 3 runs and 4 RBIs.  Dan Brown is writing a book as we speak called Angels & Pagans.  In the plot, the Catholic Church is involved in a conspiracy that is thwarted by a Latin outfielder and Mr. Met.