Fantasy Baseball Advice

Mike Pelfrey went from totally chic to totally geek in the matter of 4 starts.  Last night, he dropped a 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER bomb and now he’s staring at nickels.  Pardon the wavy lines as we jump in The Way Back Machine and see what I said in April, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  Nothing’s really changed other than he’s no longer leaving men on base, his homers have gone up (literally) and his lack of Ks are catching up to him.  Hmm… Maybe some stuff has changed.  He had a 1.98 ERA at Metco prior to last night, so that’s still a nice matchup start, but Pelfrey is no longer a must own.  At 109 IP on the year and only 67 Ks, he’s a notch below Jon Garland in K-rate.  I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I really want to believe this, but the Met doctors are a joke.  Did they go to that med school Steve Guttenberg went in Bad Medicine?

Shin-Soo Choo – Thumb-Soo Blue now might need surgery and could be out for the season.  Is this all a ploy for him to avoid his army service time?  We must have a commenter in Canada who could take him in.  Volunteers?

Mike Gonzalez – Won’t return until after the All-Star break.  As previously mentioned, Alfredo will continue to get saves now and when Mike G. first returns.  From there, I imagine names will go into Juan Samuel’s hat and he’ll pull one out.  Hey, New ERA’s now the closer! Um, that’s the tag.

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 and now has 2 homers in his last two starts.  Not starting every day, but I’d grab him now in AL-Only leagues and watch closely how his playing time shakes out for mixed leagues.  Hey, New ERA’s now starting at 1st base! Still the tag, Juan.

Chase Utley – Saying he won’t need the full 8 weeks of recovery time.  I believe Utley can return early.  Still, a hand issue that won’t have him on the field until late-August isn’t something you should go out of your way to acquire.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Braves.  It’s one thing to face Halladay, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for the Braves with Russia still occupying Georgia.

Cliff Lee – Supposedly, the Phillies were scouting The Adverb.  I wonder if the scout went to Vegas, got himself a hooker and some blow while pretending to scout Cliff Lee because HE WAS JUST ON THEIR TEAM!  Whoa, Cap’n Caps, easy.  SORRY.

Russell Branyan – Now has three homers since joining the Mariners.  Had 31 homers last year and has 13 now.  You do the math!

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Man, that WHIP is messy.  What a slob!  No wonder he goes by Filthy Sanchez.  According to me.  But we’ll pretend he goes by that on every site on the interwebs.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and batting .269.  Maybe he’s uncomfortable carrying around those extra 75 pounds.  Let’s get him and the Sandovals on Losing It With Jillian.  I’d love to see Sandoval’s family all try to lose weight together.  “Mama, did you put extra mayonnaise on my lard sandwich?”  Mama Sandoval looks guilty then, “No.”

Buster Posey - 2-for-4 with his third homer.  All he does is hit homers (once a week).

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve seen better starts, but let’s be clear about something.  Gorzelanny isn’t an ace.  He’s a number five fantasy starter.  He still has a 3.31 ERA on the year and is worth starting in favorable matchups.

Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member when I said to lose him in last week’s Buy/Sell?  Yup.

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 13th homer yesterday in the Diamondbacks’ 83rd game.  LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.

Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 2 steals while hitting leadoff.  Now has 15 homers and 16 steals on the year.  Yeah, Krispie’s been better than your other outfielders.  Yup, even that one.

Kosuke Fukudome – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Keep in mind his playing time is very iffy right now but he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.  This game might’ve be the start of something.  Either way, the choice is yours.  Doo, da, dippity.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Somehow the Cubs pulled out the win with Koyie Hill on the bench.

Alexei Ramirez – Now has two homers in two games while hitting over .400 in the last week.  Definitely worth owning though I’m not sure where his steals have been this year.  Did they have visa issues?

Carlos Quentin – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Frequent commenter, Steve, summed up the thoughts of current Quentin owners yesterday when he said, “Oh, Quentin, I am so glad I drafted you/dropped you/picked you up/dropped you again/picked you back up.”

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than 2 runs in a start in over a month.  Yeah, you should own him.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched in the 8th inning of 7-1 game.  I know what you’re thinking, “What’s Ozzie thinking?”  Good question.  Ozzie supposedly wants Jenks to get some action before being the closer again because he was away on bereavement leave.  And Ozzie wants to confuse fantasy owners.  That too.  I’d grab Thornton if he’s available.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit his first major league homer.  Worth monitoring in AL-Only leagues (as if you don’t have enough to do!), but his playing time has been sporadic.

Mark Teixeira – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  PABST (Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) getting a jump on the All-Star break so I guess this was a premature jacking.

Jayson Nix – 2 homers in yesterday’s game.  Jaymes Nix got drunk and called Laynce to ask him how come he can’t be more like Jayson.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Of course I sat Garza when he pitched well last week in Fenway and started him yesterday for this crizzap at home.  Of course, I did!  When I yell obscenities at telemarketers, I call them Garza.

Eric Patterson – 2 homers and now has 6 homers on the year.  Not quite as bonkers as it sounds… Okay, it’s a little bonkers, but he hit 14 homers in Triple-A one year and 12 homers in Triple-A last year.  For those desperate for anything at MI, you could probably do worse.

Matt LaPorta – LaPo hit another homer yesterday then was removed with a head bruise from his collision with Andrus.  After the bump on the head, LaPorta thought he was Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

Joey Votto – Hit 2 homers.  Yeah, but Omar Infante can play 4 positions.

Erik Bedard – Was due to pitch on Tuesday, but he’s dealing with a stiff shoulder.  We’re actually lucky this happened.  If Bedard came back while Ben Sheets was healthy, that would’ve caused a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.

Kendry Morales could miss the rest of the season after breaking his leg during the celebration of his walk-off grand slam.  Too bad the Wide World of Sports isn’t still on.  They could’ve covered the agony and the ecstasy all in one full swoop.  This injury reminds me of the time Justin Duchscherer heard The Hokey Pokey and in celebration put his right hip out.  And didn’t put his right hip back in for six to eight months later.  In place of Kendry, the Angels could call up Mark Trumbo.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s worth grabbing for his power potential.  In 47 games, he has 11 homers, but it’s also in the PCL, so there’s your grain of salt.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Second home run was a game winner but there was no need for pylons around yesterday’s pile-on.  The celebration was kept in check by Scioscia.  He said under no circumstances is anyone supposed to injury another teammate in a celebration unless that player is Mike Napoli.

Mike Napoli – Hey, I was just talking about you!  He played first base yesterday.  Could see Scioscia going with this arrangement because I always felt he looked down on Napoli’s defense like an impossible to please probation officer.

Grady Sizemore – Having knee surgery so now he’s eligible for your POS slot.  I’d cut him in leagues just because it might make it feel slightly better, but if you’re like a battered housewife (which is delicious with ranch dressing) who likes the abuse, then DL Sizemore, you might get a couple of weeks of him in September.  Maybe then he can defecate in your priceless, game-worn Ivan DeJesus hat.

Joey Votto – Misses his fifth game with neck stiffness.  This is a hunch, but I think Votto just needs a hug.

Josh Beckett – Won’t return on the first day he’s able because, well, he’s not able.  His mechanics are still off.  On a non-humorous observation tip, it doesn’t seem right that teams can just say someone’s injured when they’re clearly on the DL simply because they’re sucking.  Shouldn’t there be a league doctor who has to okay DL stints?

Jacoby Ellsbury – Was D’Ellsburied once again.  Was told to rest and drink lots of fluids.  Actually, I have no idea what he was told but I feel like doctors always say the same shizz.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hit 2 homers yesterday to bring his season total to 10.  T-minus 8 days until he becomes Washington’s 2nd favorite player.

Buster Posey – 6-for-8 since his call up.  Capable of a .300 average and 10+ homers.  He’s playing 1st base so that makes him more desirable than some other catchers because he’ll get more counting stats.  Plus, he has potential for a breakout.  When in doubt, go for upside.  I’d grab him (in the non-perverse way) in all leagues.

Max Scherzer – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 14 Ks.  Well, that’s one way to return.  Scherzer had a mechanics issue earlier in the year causing him to lose M’s on his PH’s.  A few weeks in the minors later and he looks cured.  He gets the peasant Royals next so he has a good chance of having another nice outing.  I don’t think he tears up the majors like he just did in the minors.  He suffers a bit from Kershawitis with short outings and deep counts.

Carlos Guillen – 1-for-5 with a homer.  Best case scenario is a 10/10 guy at 2nd base.  It’s a’ight.

Dontrelle Willis – Was designated for assignment.  His assignment is to “stop sucking.”  Whether he chooses to accept it is a whole another issue.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Figures the one game where he pitches semi-decent is against a team where no one would start him.  Nice, Justin Masterson:  The Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 2.89 ERA on the year.  Up until this start there were some easy matchups and a bunch of walks.  He goes to Metco next, which should be favorable but then he goes to Citizens Flank, where he could get assaulted by Philly hitters or fans.

Will Ohman – The child safety seal is off now that he gave up his first two runs of the year with back to back homers to Jose Bautista and Alex Gonzalez.  BTW, Jose Bautista leads the major leagues in homers.  Him and his stupid Hitler stache under his lip.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  The Blue Jays somehow lost Roy Halladay and got better.  Insert confused emoticon.

Derek Holland – Left the game with shoulder soreness.  I’d lose him in all but the deepest leagues.  And since we’re on Texas and their myriad of injuries…

Nelson Cruz – Headed to the DL.  So much upside out there in Arlington but can’t avoid injuries.  They have the eternal flame-outs.

Jake Peavy – Got the Win!  Gave up 5 runs in 5 and 1/3 innings.  Got hit hard!

Alex Rios – Another game, another homer and steal.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell as a Sell.  I stand by that.  I am standing too.  And wearing no pants.  Do you bet on the career year where he far exceeds expectations or do you trade him for someone who is a safer bet like, say, Adrian Gonzalez?

Matt Thornton – Got the save on Friday then Ozzie removed him from a save situation on Sunday.  Cause, really, what’s a closer shituation without some confusion?  Oh, want further wagon circling on your closerousel?  Jenks says he’s healthy enough to return.  Though who’s listening?

Jayson Nix – Hit a grand slam yesterday.  Nothing to see here unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ’strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s a warm feeling I can’t describe in the pit of my stomach.  Wait… I know what it is.  Schadenfreude and it feels so good!

Albert Pujols – 3 homers yesterday.  Guess he’s not done, though the only one who was manufacturing that crap was ESPN as they tried to sell pageviews.

Geovany Soto – Hit a homer just as his fantasy owners began to drop him.  Obviously, Soto and Masterson got together to come up with ways to make their fantasy owners cry.

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and 2 homers.  Now has one more homer than Prince Fielder.  And 17 extra open holes on his belt.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 as he made the June 1st milestone of .255.  Do I hear .275 for July 1st?  .280?  Be even better if he stole 15 bases this month.

Angel Pagan – Batting around .350 with 4 steals and 1 homer in the last week.  I actually picked him up in one league.  It’ll probably be a short layover on his way to the waiver wire, but there ya go.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and a steal as he also heats– Actually, the entire Mets team is hot for the first time since The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 2 ER for his 4th blown save.  This was the 2nd straight 2 earned run outing for Qualls.  At some point, he should be replaced as closer, and that point was probably about a month ago.

Roy Halladay – Threw a perfect game on Saturday.  After the game, Vice President Joe Biden called to congratulate him.  Afterwards, Halladay put Moyer on the phone so he could talk to his old high school friend.

Eric Young, Jr. was in the September call up post, but it turns out he’s a preemie by a week.  Young has so many steals in the minors he’s worth a pickup in every league.  How many steals, you ask.  Well, I was getting there if you give me a second.  In the last four years of the minors, he has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin hey, are you kidding me?  In my never-ending rotation of schmohawks (thanks Beltran!), I dropped Alcides Escobar for Young in one league and chucked Drew Stubbs for him in another.  Will Young play every day?  Seems doubtful.  He has been playing in the outfield for at least a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think he’ll see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johan Santana – Done for the season.  This, and his lackluster (for him) season, might actually help Johan come at a discount in 2010 drafts.  I wouldn’t reach for him because I don’t believe in drafting pitchers early, but I could see him falling into the 5th or 6th rounds of early drafts.  The reason why I specify early is because once Johan looks good in spring training, he’ll bump up a round or two.  Then if Johan looks terrible in March, you’ll want to trade him for Nick Markakis.  Oh, and your fly’s open.  Don’t ask me how I know.

Billy Wagner – Headed to the Sox before The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard got him.  He’ll back up Papelbon and, as a commenter pointed out yesterday, hopefully he turns out better than The Gagne Experiment™ in 2007.

Hank Blalock – Will be a bench player and will be asked to perform Cole Porter’s Anything Goes.  This is good news for Chris Davis.  Now for Davis to do something with this vote of confidence.

Freddy Sanchez – Headed to the DL.  Postdate this next comment 2011:  The Giants trade for Sanchez will cost them dearly.

Jake Peavy – Doode just can’t win.  On the next to last batter in his last minor league start, he was hit on the elbow by a comebacker.  Cue Kudrow, “I did not need to see that!”  Now because of elbow soreness, he might not be able to pitch this Saturday vs. the Yanks.

Joba Chamberlain – 4 IP, 7 ER.  He’s going again on regular rest this Sunday vs. the Orioles, so I can kinda understand holding him until then, but he’s really unstartable.  Then, on top of that, he’s been skipped here and there.  Okay, he’s not unstartable; he’s unownable.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  I’m calling a bogey on February Grey who said Posada was done.  He obviously was not done.  Being wrong at catcher is the position to be wrong at, but nevertheless still wrong.

Robinson Cano – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Not wrong here, because in the preseason I put him in the “Good value before we get to total Crapolanco” Tier.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 baserunners, 0 ER in Atlanta.  I’m guessing a lot of people were sonavabenched on this one.

Jimmy Rollins – 2 HRs yesterday.  Coming up after the break, J. Rolled The Dorf.

Brad Lidge – No outs recorded, 3 earned.  Lidge has blown nine games this year, an 0-6 record and a 7.33 ERA.  If anyone happens to run into Lidge, give him my regards.  And, by regards, I mean the middle finger.  (BTW, On one team of mine, I had Lidge, Frank², Capps and Bell all give up runs and blow three saves.  Bad week to quit sniffing glue.)

Ryan Doumit – Obviously just needed the additional push of me putting him in Friday’s Sell.  He now has 2 homers in his last three games.

Travis Snider – Hit another homer yesterday and now two in three games.  I have an idea, stop Kemping him and move him up the order.

Carlos Pena – 2 HRs.  Six homers in the last week and a half.  On August 13th, I asked how many homers does Pena have left in his bat?  I gave the over/under of 13.  That means he has an over/under of 7 left.

Carlos Zambrano – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I admire Big Z for returning from the DL with a mustache, but this start did not make ‘stached men proud.  No, sir.  Clay Zavada and I may need to have a word with him.

Josh Willingham – 4-for-4, 2 HRs, 5 Runs and 6 RBIs.  This is the total production of Jose Reyes’s 2009 season.

Zach Grienke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 15 Ks.  *speechless*

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is only .08 away from Greinke.  Cust kayin’.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Continued his post-All-Star break march of excellence.  He’ll fool someone next March who thinks he’s going to be good in April, May and June.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with his 8th homer.  He left the game in the ninth and is day-to-day.  It’s nice and all that he’s hitting .319, but 6 steals on the year is not buttering the biscuit.

Delmon Young – 4-for-5 yesterday.  Wait, Delmon Young actually had a good game yesterday?  Glory be!  Only 18 months after predicted.

Howie Kendrick – HR yesterday as he started only his third game in the last week.  In some ways, I kinda understand what Scioscia is doing with Kendrick’s playing time.  I mean, everyone on the Angels is slap-hitting .300 right now.  He could run out there Dick Schofield and he’d hit .300.

Laynce Nix/Jayson Nix – 3 HRs combined yesterday.  Their older brother, Jaymes Nix got drunk.

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.

If you drafted Manny this year, then you better make a new plan, Stan because Man-Ram is getting time off for bad behavior.  50 games to be exact.  The reason – he came up positive for human chorionic gonadotropin, or HCG, which can be used to boost testosterone levels.  Manny seems to be claiming his doctor prescribed it for erectile dysfunction but the drug is most often prescribed for…women’s fertility.  Huh?  And here we thought Alyssa Milano was the only person in the LA Dodger clubhouse taking those.  Maybe Manny got screwed by a bad boner doctor but our money is on Scott Boras.  He probably gave those pills to Manny, told him they were Flintstone vitamins, and Manny hallucinated Flintstone faces onto the vitamins.

So what are the fantasy implications besides crying if you own him and picking from the FA scraps?  Juan Pierre is going to get the lion’s share of playing time in the outfield.  With Hudson and Ethier hitting so well at the top and Torre always going back to Furcali as his leadoff hitter, the only question is whether he bats Pierre 8th or 9th (tonight it was the 9th).  This is a pretty good move if you’re a Pierre owner as he’d get bunted over by the pitcher if he hit 8th but will steal from the 9th slot (got one today).  As for whether this affects the production of O-Dog and Andre Ethier, time will tell.  You’d have to think that O-Dog’s runs and Ethier’s RBIs are going to down because of this.  Interestingly, Torre moved up Ethier to #3 and hit Loney #4.  Our guess would be that he goes back to his beloved lefty/righty/lefty/righty order and separates Ethier and Loney with either Martin or Kemp.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 1 Hit, 5 walks, 7 Ks.  His walks are up, his Ks are down, his homers are up.  None of this spells, “Yay.”  His BABIP is near his norms but his men left on base is higher than it’s been for the last couple of years.  His ERA is under 3 but it should be over 5.  Like Minnie Pearl, I’m going to give this to you plain and simple, he needs to cut down on his walks.  But it’s still early, Cain has time to correct his problems.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. 3.59 ERA on the year and five consecutive no decisions.  Why can’t I get a win?  Who have I wronged? Was it the old lady who yelled at me in the post office calling me Prince Charles?  Cause if it was her, I’m sorry.  She was up next.  I just told her you’re up, I wasn’t rushing her!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 6 ER, 4 Ks.  ‘nn settled down after being Kemp’d in the first.  Unfortunately, this takes some of the shine off of ‘nn so it’ll make it harder for you to flip him.

Joe Beimel – Vin Scully, “The Nats are without a closer so they’re trying out Beimel in the role.”  He said that as Beimel pitched the 8th in a four run game.  Of course he’s pitching the eighth!  It makes perfect sense.  I’m currently pulling my mustache hair out.

Joel Hanrahan – I think the old Nats closer becomes the new Nats closer, but remember the Nats have 3 saves on the season.

Kip Wells – One of the only closers who can come into an 11-7 game and ensure it’ll be a save opportunity.

Cla Meredith – Went to 4-0 with another vulture win yesterday.  He would be leading in Wins on all of my teams.  I hate Wins.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-5 with 4 Ks to lower his average to .255 as Chris B. Davis hit his 7th homer going 2-for-4 to raise his average to .211.  Anyone wanna bet who gets to .230 first?

Brad Ziegler – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Andrew Bailey threw a scoreless two-thirds of an inning.  Cha-cha-cha-changes…

Brandon McCarthy – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Rudy got sonavabenched on his Fantasy Razzball team.  Oh… Poor Rudy.  I’m still in 2nd.  Natch!

Jack Cust – HR, strikeout… Wait, no walk? How dare you!

Jeremy Sowers – Replacing Laffey in the Indians rotation.  Look away, baby, look away.

Casey Kotchman – First homer of the season yesterday as he bats .313 on the season.  Might be startin’ somethin’.  Then again, the Braves are facing a lefty tomorrow.  Okay, Saturday’ll be startin’ somethin’.

Kendry Morales – In my series of “yawnstipating 1st baseman who won’t get drafted but should” posts, I targeted Morales.  He just hit his 5th homer.  I am Prince Charles!

Hanley Ramirez – 2 HRs yesterday.  For the longest time the ‘lins were threatening to put some reins on Hanley’s running.  He’s sitting on 3 steals and 4 caught stealings.

Derrek Lee – Sat out 2nd straight game but said the injury was “no big deal.”  Oh.  Okay.  Then how about you play?

Bengie Molina – 2 HRs and 4 RBIs yesterday.  Brings his totals to 7 HRs and 27 RBIs.  The rest of the Giants have 9 HRs and 84 RBIs.  Step away from the buffet, Molina, and let Fred get some grub.

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-3 yesterday and has been terrible since he lit Razzball aflame with his 5 steal game.  Icarus Fowler?

Jered Weaver – A complete game win with 8 Ks and 3 baserunners.  A HR by Aaron Hill spoiled the shutout.  Won’t be surprised if he ends up with 15 Wins, a 3.50 ERA, and 175 Ks.  As long as big bro Jeff doesn’t drive up north to teach him how to flatten his slider.

Jose Molina – Headed to the DL, joining Posada.  Bring back Yogi!

Mariano Rivera – Kazaam!

Evan Longoria – 2 HRs with 10 on the year and 38 RBIs.  I wrote a whole post on why Longoria should be a 2nd rounder?  I think he ends up with more value than Wright this year and for the next 10 years.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER and is 5-0 on the year.  Maybe I should’ve drafted him in a league.  Back in my top 80 starters post, I wrote, “He’s not flashy with those Big City Ks. You probably won’t want to own him. But for the better part of two years, I’ve owned him off and on. He’s usually good for a few ‘worth-owning’ streaks a year.”  So far this year it’s obviously been one of those “worth-owning streaks.”

Armando Galarraga – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, this didn’t help convert me into a fan.

Ian Stewart – Hit a homer yesterday while playing 3rd.  Atkins is traded by the July deadline, you heard it here first.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 5th homer as he bats .328 on the season with 2 steals.  My preseason predictions were 55/23/65/.245/7.  From a catcher?  You kinda like that.

Brian Bannister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Still not buying in.

Jayson Nix – HR yesterday.  Why is the world conspiring against me?

Joakim Soria – Got the save, but gave up two hits, two walks and one run after giving up an unearned run his first time back.  I’d hold Juan Cruz for now if you have room.  And who doesn’t have room for Juan Cruz, he’s like a buck-twenty soaking wet.

Rick Ankiel – To the DL.  This boosts Rasmus’s value a bit (but he already had some value).

Rocco Baldelli – Nordberg returns from the DL.

Alex Rodriguez – Due back on Friday.  But don’t look here.  Look back at Manny.

Anibal Sanchez – Left game with shoulder discomfort.  Not good, home slice.  But neither are any of his stats.

Clete Thomas – I love managers that remove a top of the lineup hitter then just shove some other schmohawk in their place.  “Clete.  I like that name.  Like the things at the bottom of a baseball shoe.  You hit 3rd, Clete.”  If Spike Owen came out of retirement, he’d hit 4th.